A/n: It didn't occur to me earlier to put in a warning about eating disorders, but as one of my protagonists is anorexic there's going to be content throughout the story that might be triggering. Probably not the best thing to read if you're in recovery, basically, because Hope is not. Stay strong 3 Loki
Chapter 7
Hope sat by the fire she had built as Regulus slept a few feet away from her. Things had calmed down somewhat in the past couple of days since they had fought. Hope had apologized and she may or may not have cried in the process. Regulus had sat in silence and he didn't apologize for his part, but he also seemed to accept it.
Honestly, Hope didn't have any idea what had come over her. She almost never fought with people outside of her immediate family, and even then she would never dream of telling anyone that she thought their mother should have strangled them as a baby. That was just not the type of thing that Hope said out loud. Thought silently in her head when she was furious, for sure, but she was horrified that she had actually told someone that to their face. Her apology was nothing short of genuine.
Since then they had been awkwardly polite to each other. Hope had stopped trying to talk to Regulus unless necessary and left him alone and Regulus responded to her when she did need to talk to him. He had fixed her ankle when she broke it after a tree branch grabbed her and let her sit and rest afterwards, even though she could walk right away. They had even had sex again the other night and although it was a bit distant and awkward it meant that things couldn't be too bad. It was actually the most they had talked in days, albeit only because he was concerned about the fact that she didn't have any birth control with her and couldn't make the potion in the Forest. It didn't matter though. She was underweight and didn't get her period anymore, as she assured him.
She used to joke to herself that that was an added bonus of anorexia: she was thin enough for boys to be interested in having sex with her and malnourished enough to never get pregnant. Having sex in the Forest in the winter was pretty ideal as well, she had an excuse not to take off her clothes to avoid exposing her belly. Oh the pluses of being lost in the Forbidden Forest and having an eating disorder…
It did help, though, to be used to functioning on not enough food. It made it easier for her to keep pushing through the days when they didn't have much to eat. It had been a long time since she had even felt hungry, it just didn't register in her body anymore. She still gave Regulus more of the food they had but it was no longer really about not wanting to consume the calories, it was about survival. He needed the energy more than she did, she ran on the high of feeling lightheaded and thin.
Hope sighed and was about to put out the fire and go to bed herself when something caught her eye. Gasping, she stepped backwards in horror. Regulus hadn't been wrong, there was a manticore in the Forest and it was standing in front of her. Her heart pounded as it stepped right up to the outer bound of her shield and roared at her. Regulus jolted awake at the sound, wand out. They both stared, frozen in terror while the manticore continued to paw the ground and roar at them.
"Come here," Regulus said to Hope after several minutes passed. "Come here, come to bed. There's nothing it can do to us while we're here. Come here, just ignore it."
Hope whimpered and stayed frozen in fear. Ignore it? That giant man-eating beast that was right there staring at her? Not likely.
Regulus crawled towards her and grabbed her hand. "Come on, it's alright. We're fine."
He pulled Hope to bed and she went with him, still staring at the manticore. "We're going to die…" she whispered. "Die."
"No we're not. Just come to bed. Try to sleep." Regulus pulled her close to him. He seemed to genuinely want to comfort her. "Come here, it's alright."
Hope settled down slightly, still breathing quickly with fear flashing in her eyes, but she laid down with Regulus and curled up against him with her head on his chest. He didn't push her away and let her lie there until they both fell asleep. When they woke up the next morning he immediately extricated himself from her, but for now he let her be.
oOo
"How long does it take before they stop sending search parties because you're presumed dead? A week? Two? Do you think we're already dead?"
Hope had started talking again, back in a chatty mood now that Regulus was no longer openly hostile towards her. "Years," Regulus responded. "You have to be gone for years before you're presumed dead."
"Oh." Hope looked down at her hands, looking for signs of aging. "I guess we aren't old, we probably haven't been in here for years."
Regulus had to fight a smile at the absurdity of that. "It has definitely not been years."
Hope turned to him and grinned. "But it will be! We're forest people now. God, I need a shower. My hair is like, crunchy. Look, it's legitimately crunchy, it's the most disgusting thing ever, see?"
Regulus raised his eyebrows at her. "Why on Earth would I want to see 'the most disgusting thing ever'?"
Hope shrugged. "I don't know. Curiousity. Ugh. I wish I could take one last shower before we die out here. I need to bathe. Badly."
"I can tell."
"Hey, it's not like you're in any better shape! Been out here as long as I have."
Regulus looked down at himself. She wasn't wrong. His clothes were covered in dirt and bloodstains and had marks all over from the less than perfect patching jobs Hope did every time their clothes ripped. Truly, it was the most disgusting thing ever. To Hope's surprise, he started laughing.
Hope stared at him. She had never seen him so much as smile in a non-sarcastic way, let alone laugh. And here he was laughing, legitimate mirth written on his face. "What's so funny?"
Regulus gestured around. "This. Us. Everything. We've been in this forest for Merlin knows how long and we'll probably never find our way out and it's-we're actually forest people. I, Regulus Black, heir to the most well-known and respected pureblood wizarding family in Britain, am a forest person now. And I look...disgusting."
Hope smiled. It was a bit funny how absurd it was to see the snobby, stuck-up younger Black with mud and leaves in his hair and half-healed wounds on his face. Especially now that he was laughing with wild, almost manic eyes. He looked like an insane homeless person, certainly not a wealthy pureblood heir.
"I'm going to die looking like this. My mother will hate that."
"You think we're going to die too?"
Regulus shrugged. "Probably. If they haven't found us by now and we haven't found our way out. Yes, it is likely we will die out here."
Hope groaned. "Nooooo. You think we're dying too. All hope is lost."
"Well, you haven't died yet."
Hope stared at him again. He was grinning, actually grinning, at the lame pun he had just made. Hope laughed. "But we're dying. Hope is dying."
"You always were though, weren't you? You can't very well stop eating and expect to live."
"Well, it's not like I never eat anything ever. I eat enough to stay alive. Just, I mean, not really. I don't know. I haven't died yet. People live for quite some time half-starved. I probably won't actually die. And I mean...it's not so terrible to die."
"You complain about dying every single day. Multiple times. And now you want to tell me that you don't mind?"
"Well...yeah, it is silly isn't it? I can be suicidal all day and still be terrified to ride a broom in case I fall off and die. It's just...I don't know. I don't know why that is. I don't think it's the dying that scares me, it's the pain beforehand."
"So of course you go for starvation, the slowest and most painful death imaginable."
"I don't do it to die though. I know you think it's crazy, it is. And I know you don't get it. But, it's like the one thing that makes me special, makes me better than everything else. When I haven't eaten all day I can watch my friends shovel food down and feel superior because I have more control. I can look at people who aren't super thin and just know that I'm better than them. It makes me feel like I'm on top of the world. It's fucked up, I know, but I can't help it."
Regulus nodded. "No I get it. That is how I feel about being pureblood. It's exhilarating to feel like you are above everyone else."
"Do you think it's fucked up too?"
He paused for a minute and thought about how to respond. Of course he knew what he should say was that he did not, he thought that it was the way that things should be. He should be proud to know he was better than her. But he was in an uncharacteristically good mood and they were going to die anyway, so what was the point in pretending? "Yes. But I can't help it."
"I can't say I don't blame you," Hope said slowly. "For joining up with that crazy asshole who wants to kill me and everyone like me. Because I definitely do. That's horrible and you should feel bad. But I guess I see why it would appeal to you. It feels good to be in control."
"Precisely. It's terrifying how good it feels."
"Do you-do you hurt people?"
Regulus looked uncomfortable, but he responded. "Not really. I don't really do much, as I am still in school, other than try to get my classmates to support the Dark Lord. But. I have. I had to. It's sickening afterwards. Not really because I know that I am willing to do it, but to know that I enjoy it. Hurting something helpless."
Hope was starting to look terrified and Regulus shook his head. "It's not-I don't want to do it, even if it is...thrilling. I don't want to be like her. But it's do or die out there. I have no choice."
"You always have a choice," Hope said quietly.
"Yes, that's exactly what people say who have never been in a situation like mine. You like to fancy yourself all self-sacrificial, I suppose. That's useless too, there will just be someone to take your place. Might as well live to fight another day."
Hope shuddered. "You're a monster, you know?"
"I am very much aware."
"It's-I know this sounds absurd, but I'm not trying to judge. I have it in me too. But my parents raised me to be kind and empathetic and compassionate, so that's what I pretend to be. I don't know, I do what I have to do to and that's to be loving. But your parents raised you to be hateful so I guess it's no surprise. But just-that's awful."
"I really am aware. I hate it. I hate that part of myself. But trust me when I say that I have no other choice."
"Well, we're forest people now. You don't have to follow all that bullshit. I won't tell anyone."
"It doesn't work like that," Regulus replied. "I can't do that."
