It had been a long two weeks. Panda felt as though his brain was somewhere in the awkward middle of his thought process learning to go against anything he had ever learned. For years he had fantasized about his first kiss and how it would go. He had imagined the lips of a young, beautiful woman pressed to his own. He had found himself for long nights on end wondering if it would ever come as he scrolled through his multiple dating profiles on multiple dating sites to empty notifications, letting the thought cross his mind if something was wrong with him time and time again. He had lost sleep over those matches with fate pairing him with nothing but a profile image and some words on a screen. But things were different now. He had… something.
Panda tried multiple times even now to put what this was into words. Grizz's arm slid to his side and pulled him closer and he found himself blushing in a way that he had never thought he would feel. His heart pounded, his mind whirled, and his tongue went dry. He felt submissive. Grizz's eyes even from how close they sat in front of each other, their noses practically bumping into one another, had this child-like excitement like he was ready to pounce on Panda and was only just able to restrain his desires.
Grizz began giggling and let their lips meet for a brief pec before Panda turned his head and stared at the windows that had been draped shut. He found himself squirming closer to Grizz not to the desires that Grizz craved, but for the desire in him to feel another layer of protection. Their chests pressed together and judging by the way his neck was kissed Grizz must have felt his pounding heart.
Something. This was definitely something. Panda touched his paw to Grizz's own and buried his face in Grizz's shoulder to hide the fact that he was frowning from his brother. Still when the thought crossed his mind in just what Grizz had become to him the emotions that swirled inside of him refused to come to a satisfying answer. Right now he craved Grizz's touch both for the comfort to relieve his growing anxiety and the fact that he truly did want to feel Grizz's lips against his own.
"You sure Ice isn't gonna be home soon?" Panda asked and found himself glancing to the door. The living room was dark despite the fact that it was midday due to the fact that every drape was pulled shut.
"Mmmm," Grizz responded. His nose was buried so deeply into Panda's neck that he might not be surprised if the brown bear wasn't paying attention.
"C-C'mon Grizz, this is serious!" Panda snapped and pushed back on Grizz's body and held his brother at arm's length. The couch creaked when Grizz sat back, his eyes suddenly widening when Panda realized his breath was growing faster.
"Dude, he said he was getting stuff for dinner. I'm sure he'll be back in like an hour," Grizz extended his paw and touched Panda's cheek.
"He didn't say when?" Panda felt his voice go up a pitch. It was involuntary and certainly not what he wanted to come across as. He snatched Grizz's paw from his cheek and held it in both of his own. "D-Dude, that's kinda vital!"
"Chill out, Pan Pan," Grizz put on a smile that was very clear didn't reach his eyes. There was some sort of unspoken concern that made Panda's belly twist inside of him.
It had been a long two weeks indeed. Panda for the longest time had felt both a rush of excitement every time Grizz held his paw under the table or snuck a kiss just as Ice Bear left the bathroom during morning routines. It felt sneaky and deceptive in a sense, and every time it happened he became more and more aware that he was never the one to initiate anything. He wasn't just starting to become nervous around Grizz, but paranoid. His own bed was beginning to lose his own scent from the countless hours Grizz had spent cuddling him in the dead of the night when he would sneak in. The way Grizz would tug him closer by wrapping his arms around his body when their lips met was beginning to feel natural.
They hadn't decided on what to call this. Whatever this was, anyway. In fact they had barely discussed it. There seemed to be some sort of unspoken rule that Panda had not objected to thus far that as long as they were alone Grizz was allowed to cuddle him and let their lips meet. It had been five days since he had stopped asking permission for the former, and two for the ladder. Even now Grizz broke the awkward silence by letting a smile split on his face that just three weeks ago wouldn't have made Panda's heart skip the way it did. He got up on his knees and slunk forward in an almost threatening kind of manner.
"You shouldn't be nervous of him, you know," Grizz teased, and Panda found his smile actually forcing itself back onto his lips. He let Grizz touch his sides and then wrap around his back as somehow it ended up that Grizz was lying on top of him, the couch creaking under their combined weight. "Cause I just remembered that you squealed when I nibbled your neck last night."
"Y-You better not!" Panda cried out with a sudden giggle in his tone almost before Grizz licked his lips to somehow look the least bit like a hungry bear. Panda found himself grabbing Grizz to both try and hold him still in a hug and squirm whenever Grizz playfully licked at his neck and nibbled. Panda giggled, and felt a certain warmth expand in his chest like a balloon when he squeezed Grizz. In moments like this he could truly say he was enjoying himself. Where Grizz's actions prolonged enough for him to enjoy the touch of Grizz's warmth and take in his scent.
"Hehehehe," Panda found himself giggling as Grizz kissed the side of his nose and then his lips. He had let himself become submissive to Grizz's actions once more.
"You're so cute," Grizz said in a quiet, almost whimpering kind of tone.
TAP TAP TAP
"Gah!" Panda cried out and turned so suddenly that Grizz ended up falling from him and onto the floor. Grizz landed with a thud and Panda found himself staring at the ceiling frozen in sudden fear that gripped him from the stomach and seized his body all the way to his throat so he could no longer breathe. He sat up suddenly and clamped his paw over his heart. He was positive he had heard a noise.
"I'M OKAY!" Grizz lifted a hand and waved it, sitting up almost instantly. Grizz sat up and rubbed the side of his head. "Geeze, just tell me if it tickles too much next time."
"I heard something!" Panda hissed, extending his upper paw to Grizz's face and pushing it away before lifting a finger to his lips. He lowered his voice to a whisper. "On the window over there!"
"Dude, I did-"
TAP TAP TAP
Grizz frowned, and turned his head. It was the window right next to the television, and there was a flash of something in his eyes that looked like concern that made Panda feel it pound in his heart and bleed through his system. He pulled his legs to his chest and hugged them and stared at the drapes.
"W-What if it's Charlie or something?" Panda questioned and pulled at the fur on top of his head. "Dude he's gonna blab it to everybody he knows!"
"So just us and our bro?"
Grizz might have been trying to make a joke, but Panda pushed him by the shoulder and glared at him nonetheless. Their eyes met and Panda realized his were stinging, the fear beginning to truly get to him by now.
"I'm on it, Pan Pan," Grizz nodded and got to his feet. He touched Panda's shoulder, and for a moment there was an awkward pause where Panda involuntarily flinched at the touch. Grizz frowned, but turned away his face before Panda could see more of his expression.
Panda got up and backed away from the couch and felt reminded all too easily that he reeked of Grizz's scent. He had let Grizz get all over him. Grizz's fur was mixed with his own, his taste still on Panda's tongue, his saliva damp on Panda's neck from where he had been licked. He felt as though he were coated in evidence.
Grizz opened the drape slowly and looked around, both left and right and then even up before settling down. He turned to Panda, a relieved looking smile on his face.
"Just a bird, Bro!" He laughed.
"Y-You sure?" Panda asked and hesitantly stepped forward. Sure enough, there was a small robin sitting on the sill of the cave window pecking at the glass. Panda didn't smile, but he did sigh. Grizz gave him another look that was close to concern but also reassurance. He had grown to see that look a lot recently, now that he thought about it.
Panda stepped to the windowsill and gave it a look for himself. The bird flew away once it properly saw him and he too looked at the forest surrounding their home and bit the inside of his cheek. He saw nobody, but it didn't stop him from staring for at least a solid minute until Grizz's paw rested on his shoulder.
"Nobody saw us, bro," Grizz tried to smile, but it was clear when their eyes met that it had gotten to him as well.
"Okay," Panda nodded. The response sounded so generic and devoid of emotion that he felt his face grow warmer. He lifted his paw and closed the blinds, making positive that they were shut properly. Grizz touched his arm, and then hugged it, and then extended his neck to kiss Panda's cheek. Panda's muscles involuntarily seized up tightly.
"You wanna knock off the kissing stuff for a little?" Grizz asked. Panda hesitated very briefly, and then nodded. There was the slightest look in Grizz's eye that seemed as though he wished to say something but didn't. He released Panda's arm, holding onto his paw a second longer than the rest of him, and then broke the chain entirely.
"Oh oh oh, I know!" Grizz shouted suddenly. Panda couldn't help but wonder just how on earth the bear managed to snap his emotions back to happy in the blink of an eye. "I'll whip up some snacks and we can watch a movie or play some video games. I'll let you pick out anything you want, alright?"
"Grizz I-"
"No arguing! I'm gonna cheer you up!" Grizz tried his best to suddenly look assertive by crossing his arms and shaking his head. "Best bros make awesome snacks and get kissed when they make their lil bro feel better. Oh wait that's just me!"
Grizz pulled back his cheeks with his paws to reveal as much of his smile as possible. Panda struggled to do much more than feel his chest tighten. When he tried to smile, knowing it was what Grizz wanted from him, he thought it felt forced and painfully so. Grizz giggled and turned away. If he had any hesitations about his sudden one-eighty in attitude Panda couldn't read through it.
Once Grizz was in the kitchen and throwing open cupboards Panda let himself sigh. If Grizz wasn't going to let him get away with sulking by himself he might as well go for the option that would let him browse his phone. He moved to the television cabinet and opened it up and began scanning through the movies they owned. Most of what Grizz had were action movies, and their other brother had a strange fascination with documentaries and workout video tapes. Panda looked to his shelf, the middle one, and saw about two dozen movies which were either romantic comedies or romance based in general. He kept most of his anime either in his room or on the laptop largely because Grizz had a tendency to break his stuff due to clumsiness if he left it out too long.
Panda blindly pulled out a few romantic comedy movies and stared at the humans on the covers. He found himself glancing from the cover of one movie with a man being pulled along by a leash with a dog staring at a girl behind him. The movie was called "I stole a Dog to impress my neighbor."
A bit blunt, Panda thought.
He found himself looking to Grizz in the kitchen, who was now humming and swinging his hips back and forth as something sizzled from the stove top. He looked back to the DVD cover, and more in particular the girl on the front. He had always thought she looked beautiful, and often thought that the main character was justified for stealing a dog just to try and win her over. There were times in the climax of the movie when they kissed that Panda wondered what it would be like to kiss her. To kiss anybody, really.
"I want to be, a nacho man~" Grizz sung from the kitchen. He looked back to Panda and smiled. It wasn't just a glance, he knew Grizz was checking up on him. To make sure he wasn't moping or not doing as he was told to do. Grizz had done this before quite a bit. Try and make Panda distracted by anything other than what was making him nervous or sad. It usually never worked, but Grizz always tried.
He looked at another DVD, a more generic romantic comedy he bought only because he liked the actress. He could barely even remember the plot other than that it wasn't funny at all and had put him to sleep the only time he had watched it. But still, the couple looked happy on the front.
"Hey, Pan Pan, made my famous four cheese nacho bomb!" Grizz was walking back into the kitchen with two bowls, one filled to the brim with cheese and chips, the other with beef separated for Grizz. Panda stared at him, and then back to the dvd covers. "You wanna watch a movie? That's cool. What'd you pick?"
"I dunno," Panda shrugged, and bit the inside of his cheek. He opened his mouth, closed it, and opened it again. Suddenly a thought was pricking inside of his mind like a thorn that he needed to free. "Grizz, what are we doing?"
"Uhhhhhhhhhhhh," Grizz drew out the sound for a long time. He blinked and glanced to the food in his paws with his mouth slightly ajar. "Nacho bomb movie marathon?"
"No, not that!" Panda snapped and got to his feet. He clutched the dvd and showed the cover to Grizz, holding it out in front of him. "I mean, look at this!"
"Dude is that the actor from Action Buddies 2?" Grizz let a goofy smile split across his lips.
"Grizz!"
"G-Gah, sorry, sorry!" Grizz shook his head and set down the two bowls quickly before holding up his paws in a surrender stance. "Uh it's uh, one of your romance movies, right? Uh, they're kissing and hugging and… I-I dunno Pan Pan, you feeling okay?"
"No, just… I used to watch stuff like this all the time." Panda frowned and planted one of his paws over his face on the left side. "I thought this was what normal relationships were like. Y'know, cute and happy and with a lot of kissing and cuddling. Like the kinda stuff in anime that I… I mean other people… wrote fanfiction about. None of them ever have drapes closed or bears or two guys or… brothers…"
Grizz frowned. For a moment he extended his paw and then withdrew it. It was clear that his mind was rattling with what to say, but for the moment he was drawing a long blank.
"We're not… normal… Normal couples don't hide from everybody like this."
"Are we a couple?" Grizz suddenly asked. There was a trace of something in his tone that resembled hopefulness that Panda bit his tongue at. It was eagerness and excitement that Grizz was very badly trying to contain.
Panda brought the DVD to his chest. After a long silence he finally shrugged his shoulders and stared down to the ground between them. Grizz frowned and Panda closed his eyes momentarily.
"Kissing feels good," Panda mumbled just when he re-opened them.
"Totally," Grizz agreed and let on a smile. "Especially when you squirm and cuddle me back when you do it…. S-Sorry, that just popped in my head."
Panda giggled, much to Grizz's relief by the way he sighed and turned his head away in a bad attempt to hide it. There it was again, just a little spark of that reassurance that made everything not seem so weird.
"Do you think that this isn't just feeling good?" Panda asked, and met Grizz's eyes. "I mean… I've wanted a girlfriend my whole life. You make me feel like I want you to do stuff to me that I wanted to do to a girl and it's just… really weird?"
Panda touched both his cheeks, the DVD case now covering most of his face.
"It's all just really weird, Grizz. Hiding and kissing and you acting like my big brother still and me wanting to let you do all of it is just… I don't know," Panda grumbled and crossed his arms again. "I wanted to post stuff about my first relationship all over and brag about it but now I'm scared of anybody seeing. I was gonna tag them in everything and send cute messages back and forth and be like those annoying couples online! I hate those people, Grizz!"
"Dude I think you're flipping." Grizz opened his mouth and began to speak, but then closed it. He sighed and shrugged his shoulders before extending his paws and grabbing one of Panda's own. "Calm down, alright? I just wanna… I don't wanna freak you out, okay?"
Panda swallowed a lump in his throat and let Grizz squeeze his paw.
"I just like what we're doing," Grizz smiled. "I freaked out when I thought it was somebody at the window, too."
Panda didn't say anything and simply looked to the floor.
"I'm not what you wanted, am I? To kiss and do the stuff we do, I mean." Grizz asked and tilted his head.
"Grizz," Panda mumbled. He opened his mouth, and then closed it.
"I mean, I didn't think I wanted to date you or anything till a while ago… Didn't think about it much at all. I still can't believe you let me kiss you," Grizz giggled and swayed a bit back and forth. "Again and again and again and aga-"
"O-Okay, I get it," Panda giggled just when Grizz was starting to pull on his paw and hold it to the center of his chest. "But I ju-"
"And again," Grizz insisted.
"Griz-"
"And again!" Grizz said a little louder.
Panda felt a smile fight at his lips. Grizz had this gleeful almost puppydog look in his eyes. His teeth were glimmering even in the darkness of the room. He looked cute. He really did. Panda felt his heart thump in a way he truly didn't expect.
"If I kiss you will you stop saying it?" Panda asked.
Grizz nodded. Panda felt his cheeks flush but he giggled as well. Once again the spark came, and he felt like he was right. He kissed Grizz's cheek and then his lips, holding for a few seconds before parting. Grizz giggled halfway through it and grabbed Panda to hug him. Though the nerves inside Panda momentarily flickered he let his muscles loosen until he felt comfortable hugging Grizz back. Even when they parted their kiss they simply stood there.
"So do you think we're a couple, Pan Pan?" Grizz mumbled into Panda's neck. He squeezed Panda's sides and buried his muzzle deeper as if trying to muffle the words that already escaped. "I'd be totally stoked if you were my cute little boyfriend."
"I dunno," Panda shrugged. "B-Boyfriend sounds… Oh geeze… I like this right now, though? Does that count?"
Panda could feel the outline of a smile in his shoulder before Grizz parted.
"Yeah," Grizz nodded his head. "Totally."
