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Chapter 7: Under The Starry Night
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After leaving Toby's house, Emily spent an hour in her room, curled up on her bed with her hands clasped under the pillow and tears on her cheeks. Everything she'd spent the year before trying to forget or ignore crashed into her in a tidal wave. She felt lonely and tired. Like the demons of the past had clawed the last of her strength from her soul. The thoughts she couldn't hold at bay were accompanied by the regret and guilt she had deluded herself into believing wasn't there anymore. It's amazing what the mind could trick a person into thinking. The delusion was shattered now though. She couldn't deny her part in it all anymore. She couldn't let herself whitewash that night into a horrible nightmare with no basis in reality. It was a reality. Toby, Jenna, the explosion, Alison...it was all real. It was all so real.
She sat in the dark, closing her curtains to block out the street lamps, turning all the lights off in her room and tried to imagine what it would feel like to be in this environment forever. It made her panic. Her heart pounded in her chest. Thumping hard against her ribcage. Her breathing came in short bursts and her hands shook. Emily felt like the devil himself was sitting in the room, watching her and there was nothing she could do to hold him off. Pulling the chain on her lamp, she tried to even out her breathing. Inhale, exhale, steady, again and again. Block it all out. Focus on what is good. Lock the rest away. Pretend. Mask it all. Steady. In and out. Don't lose yourself. Don't give into the fear. Be strong. Be brave. Keep it together. Forget what happened. Forget the pain. Forget the hurt you helped cause. Forget. Forget. Forget. Pretend... She opened her eyes wide and stared at the wall.
The dark spaces in her room the small light didn't touch were shadowed even darker now. Pitch black. And quiet. Emily ran a hand through her hair, sitting up and grabbing for her phone on the nightstand. She slid it open and scanned through her contacts. She needed to get out of here. She needed to be surrounded by lights and noise, people and maybe drink a little. It was Friday and there was a party waiting for her. No one would accuse her of ruining their life or their step-brother's life there. It would be a place safe from all the thoughts and memories. Where music drowned out the words ringing in her head. Booze numbed the regret. And people filled the empty places. She pulled up Hanna's number and pressed the send button to call her. One ring. Two rings.
"Hey, Em," Hanna yelled over the music that was blasting in the background. She held the phone a little away from her ear. It was so loud, Emily couldn't make out any of the lyrics or even decipher a beat. "What's going on? Are you coming tonight? Ben's been...moody since you haven't called him."
She picked at the blue and cream colored material of her comforter and sighed. "I've had a lot on my mind. Thinking about things and I guess I lost track of time."
The music got softer and she could hear the voices get further away. "Em, you sound really upset... Did Toby do something to you? Ben's been talking about him touching you at the store and how uncomfortable you were. You can tell me if he made a move on you, you didn't want," Emily opened her mouth but Hanna didn't give her a chance to speak before continuing. "Because I will hunt him down if he did. The pervert has already peeked in our windows, if he did anything to you..."
"Hanna!" Emily exclaimed to stop her. Her friend couldn't be anymore wrong about why she was upset or about Toby, but it felt good to know that Hanna had her back. "Toby didn't do anything to me. He's...he's been really..." she stopped unsure of what she was going to say. Was she really going to tell Hanna that Toby's been a great guy to her? That he was tender and made her heart beat a little faster? Was she going to admit that the thought of kissing him hasn't just entered her mind, but nearly happened? That he couldn't have been the guy Ali said he was because he was... he just wasn't. Where exactly was she going with 'he's been really?' Biting at her bottom lip, she closed her eyes and tried to focus. "I'm not upset about Toby." Half truth. Almost honest. Ali would be proud.
Hanna didn't respond right away. Emily hated the break in conversation because it let the emotions she didn't want to deal with crawl back in. Pulling at the band aid on her palm, picking at the edge with her fingernail then pressing it back to cover her wound, she prayed Hanna would say something- anything. "Okay," her friend finally said. "Did you want me to come over? We could hang out and watch Mean Girls or something..."
Emily smiled, "That was Ali's favorite movie."
"Uh-huh," Hanna's smile could be heard through the phone line. "I think she wanted to be head of the plastics. What did she used to call herself?"
"HBIC," She recalled immediately. The two girls shared a moment remembering their murdered friend. For all her flaws, Ali could be great when it counted. Sighing, Emily pushed some hair behind her ear, "Actually I was kind of hoping you might come and get me. I don't really want to show up at the party by myself and I don't want to listen to Ben..."
"Be Ben," Hanna said with a roll of her eyes. Even through the phone, Emily knew she was rolling her eyes. "What is his problem lately? With his attitude you would think he was jealous of Toby or something stupid like that." The comment was said flippantly but Emily froze anyway. "I mean how idiotic. Like you would ever be interested in him." As Hanna talked, she looked up and tried to see through her curtains to Toby's house. Standing up, she moved them out of the way and searched for some sign he was still there. Maybe he was searching for her too. Maybe he was thinking about her... "Emily are you there?"
"Uh, yeah," she pulled herself away from the window and sat back on her bed. "Yeah, I'm here. So will you come get me?"
"No problem," her friend replied. "Let me find Spencer and get her car keys and then I'll come get you."
"Thanks," Emily rolled her lips together then apart with a small pop. "I'll see you soon."
Hanging up the phone, she tossed it on the bed and walked to her closet, turning on her fan light as she did. Pulling open the door, she tried to find something to wear. Change the clothes, change the mood... at least that's what she was going for anyway. She reached in, taking a black jean skirt out, holding it against her body. With a shrug, she threw it toward the bed and searched the closet for a shirt to match. Her fingertips paused on a black and white halter top. Deciding it would work for a quick outfit, she moved from her wall of clothes and quickly changed.
In the corner by her door was a full length mirror and she twisted in front of it. Her reflection looked fine. It looked like her. But she didn't feel like her. She felt like a fake. Stepping closer to the mirror, Emily stared into her own eyes. That's where the difference was. They weren't as naïve as before. There was the truth and fear closing in around the edges. Her house of cards was shaking, quaking under the lies. Under the the truth. Under her own desires to be...someone else. Someone who could stand in the sun and not shy away from the rays. Suddenly the girl that could blend in wasn't there. This shell was all that's left. When was the last time she was truly happy? When was the last time her smile didn't hold anything back? When was the last time she could relax at night? The answer to those questions, she didn't know. She couldn't remember. She has gotten so used to standing half inside her own mind. The walls around her are so thick now, she wasn't sure anyone could climb them and get to her.
And she did want someone to climb them, she realized. She wanted someone to find the person she used to be before the explosion, before the murder, before it all. Emily just didn't know what kind of person they would find if anyone did take the time to search for her. Would they like what they saw? Would her past mistakes color her in such a way no one could see her as anything but tainted? Would A scare them away? Would she have anything real left inside of her?
Closing her eyes, she rubbed them with the heels of her palms until stars formed. These thoughts were why she needed to get away from here. Once she was at the party, surrounded by her friends, her boyfriend, she would be better. She would let these stupid and miserable thoughts go. Emily slipped on a pair of tennis shoes and picked up her brush. She ran it through her hair, moving unconsciously toward the window again. Her eyes immediately fell on the house across the street and a couple down. The light in the garage was on, a shadowy-figure moved. Male. She just knew it was him. What was he doing? Was he picking up the pieces of their project, of them?
"Whatever it is. You can tell me. I'll understand."
Maybe he would. Maybe he would be the only one. Maybe Toby could see her. Find her. Like the person that was buried inside. But could she let him? To do that she would have to admit that she wasn't who everyone thought she was. She would have to be strong enough to stand on her own, she would have to be unafraid of what the world would think of her...and she didn't think she could do that. It was easier to continue the way she has been for so long now. And damn it, was it so wrong to want something in her life to be easy? Who cared if she had to lie to keep it that way? Who cared if Jenna's words would prove true, she would leave Toby in the dust after their project was over? She swallowed that painful thought down. Emily felt the tears build in the back of her throat. She did. She cared.
She cared that he thought she was different. She cared that she felt different with him. She cared that he looked at her, not through her or around her. And all of that meant nothing because she also cared about what others saw when they looked at her. She groaned.
The circle of musings was giving her a headache.
A red car pulled onto the street and Emily felt some tension leave her. Her escape was here. She ran down the stairs, calling to her mother as she went, "Mom, I'm going out with Hanna. I'll be back later."
"Alright honey," Pam responded from the study. "Have a good time. Call me if you need me to come get you or if you decide to stay over somewhere."
"I will," she closed the front door and jogged toward the car parked in her driveway. Out of the corner of her eye, she saw Toby's garage door slide up. She paused for just a second to see if she could catch a glimpse of him. Her heart stopped as he rolled his motorcycle out. She swallowed, climbing into the car. Hanna looked over at her while applying another coat of gloss to her lips. "Thanks for picking me up."
"No problem," Hanna placed her arm along the back of Emily's seat and backed up. "I was actually happy for the break. Sean has been less than kind tonight." She shook her head, shifting the car into drive. "He can be so hot and cold with me. Why do men have to be so freaking confusing?"
At that moment, Toby's motorcycle zoomed pass their car and Emily watched his rear light until it disappeared from her view. Sighing she shook her own head, "I don't know. I wish I did."
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His bike was freedom. There was a feeling of being alone and in charge of his life he couldn't describe to people who've never been on a motorcycle before. It was the wheels against the road. Air rushing against his body. The rumbling of the engine under him. He leaned into the wind, letting it beat at him. When he took the bike out of the garage and drove, all he wanted to do was go. Go away. Go somewhere else. Find peace. Find a place where he could think and where no one would find him. The town of Rosewood had very few places like that, so he didn't stay within the limits. He pushed them. Toeing the line between here and there and then blurring it. The lights got dimmer the further he went. The cars passed him less frequently. The yellow lines on the road became chipped and worn. Out here no one cared if the road crews fixed them. There were deep dips in the asphalt where water would gather during rain storms. The tree line became thicker. Suburban became rural. Populated became uninhabited.
In the distance were a set of railroad tracks. Abandon like the rest of this area. The grass had overgrown most of it, weeds and wildflowers, bushes and leaves. Toby eased his bike into a break in the brush. It was hard to see in the daylight and nearly impossible in the evening, unless one knew where to look. He gunned the engine kicking up dirt and debris as he went. The low hanging branches wiped against his helmet, beating his leather clad arms. He ducked down further, searching for the place he knew so well. In the middle of a small clearing was a cabin, long ago left to rot. He eased up on the gas the closer he got, finally bringing the bike to a stop next to the shack. He unhooked his saddle bag and climbed the steps up to the door.
Toby looked back at the way he came and thought about the day he found this place. It was the anniversary of his mother's death. The first anniversary. He was only fourteen at the time and he just didn't want to be anymore. He hopped on his bike, pedaling as fast as he could, trying to escape the noise in his head and the quiet of his dad. Until that day, he didn't really believe. He didn't really let himself think the words: My mom is dead. Not even when he stood at her grave site and they lowered her body into the ground. Toby couldn't remember most of that day and what he could was blurry and faded, like a picture bleached by the sun. What he could recall was the numbness he felt. It was like his body forgot to live.
He spent hours sitting in his room, listening to music, reading books, staying away from people. At school, he tried to blend in, to become one of the many, but because he didn't want to be around the other kids in class he became one of the few. It was the start of him being considered a freak. It was two months before he spoke to anyone other than the couple of people that approached him, but it was too late by that time, the damage had been done. The next four months he raged silently against everything and everyone.
His jaw was always set in a firm line. Teeth clamped together. Hands in fists. He punched the wall in his room until his knuckles were bloody and scraped up. He plotted how to kill Lee for daring to lay a hand on his mother. He yelled at his father, wanting nothing to do with him. If his dad had just left him with his mom, maybe she would still be there. Maybe he would have been able to stop Lee from coming back. Toby dreamed of hurting anyone and everyone. The anger bleed his energy dry but he held on to it for as long as he could, because it lit a fire in him. The fire didn't last and when it finally disappeared, all he had was the pain.
Begging came next. Begging God for a chance to do things over. Praying for something to change. Bargaining for just one day. That didn't last long either. Change was impossible. The final months of that year, he spent in a deep depression. He built walls around himself so thick that even the strongest person couldn't shake them. Nothing made him smile. Nothing made him laugh. Nothing touched him. He just turned himself invisible to everyone. The blinds in his room always stayed shut, letting in as little light as possible. The only time he was in the sun was when he had to be. He preferred the dark. As depressed as he was, though, he never cried. He never said his mother's name in conjunction with the word dead. Never...
Until the anniversary came. That day everything snapped back into focus. He couldn't look around him without noticing she wasn't there. His dad became silent, moving through the motions of living. And that's when Toby felt the first touches of acceptance. He knew he had to let go and he didn't want to. He didn't want to cry in the house with his dad. He didn't want to be there anymore. He hated it. He hated Rosewood. He wanted to get away and so he hopped on his bicycle and took off as fast as he could. He pedaled so hard and fast his legs felt like rubber, his lungs burned from the effort and from the tears crawling to get out. He didn't care where he ended up at that point.
It was truly a stroke of luck finding the path to the cabin. He could still see how it used to look in his mind's eye. The wood that was once a deep rich brown had faded with age, turning a sickly shade of gray. The panels on the side were warped, some coming off, leaving holes for animals to climb in. The steps were breaking and fragile. The windows were cracked, broken, jagged edges everywhere. There was one that didn't have a window at all. The roof, a rusted tin, was covered in leaves and dead branches. The door was falling out of the frame. The only part of the home that was intact was the brick and stone fireplace. With all the wrong, at fourteen- with the world pushing down on his shoulders, it looked like an oasis. And from that day forward it was.
No one knew about it. No one had ever been there. Not even Jenna during their relationship, when finding a place to hide was extremely important. He just couldn't bring her here. He didn't want to give up all his secrets or the one place it was okay to have them. Through the years, over the summers, he'd put work into making it a safer place. He boarded up the holes, got rid of the vermin and snakes. He fixed the steps. Covered the broken windows and even got a door with a lock. Toby used his dad's beat-up Ford truck to move the lumber and supplies, all the while his dad thought he was helping a friend. He even found a mattress on the side of the road to put on the floor- he has since made a platform for it. Everything he needed then and now. A roof. Four walls. A place to cry. A place without eyes or ears. A space to be himself. A space to be someone else.
He sighed and pulled the key from his back pocket. Unlocking the door, he tossed his saddle bag onto the bed and shut the door firmly behind him. He grabbed a book of matches from the bag and lit some candles he had placed around the room. The flickering light danced across the ceiling and walls. He flopped onto the make-shift bed, crossing his arms behind his head, watching the light show.
His mind wandered to that afternoon. To the moment that almost was. To her in his arms. What he wouldn't give to have her in them again. He wanted her to know him. Even the parts that he wasn't proud of and didn't like. He wanted to touch her soft skin and listen to her laugh as he brushed a ticklish spot. Toby wanted a lot of things and in this shack he let himself imagine them. He let himself give into the fantasy. He sat up on the bed and reached into his bag again, this time pulling out a pencil and his sketch book. Leaning his back against the wall, he opened the book to an empty page and started drawing. Her face, her eyes, her lips curled into a small smile, her hair falling behind her in waves of black silk. She came to life on the page. She entered his heart. She claimed her spot. He sighed, dropping the picture on the mattress. 'Yeah,' he thought. 'Keep dreaming, Toby.'
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Emily stood back and watched it all unfold with a red plastic cup in her hand. The beer had long ago turned lukewarm and she really had no desire to drink the rest, but with it in her hand, no one gave her another. The party was in full swing. Kids were in varying stages of 'they're going to regret that in the morning'...if they remembered that is. Some couples sat on the couches making out. Hands under shirts, caressing bodies. She shifted her gaze away, uncomfortable with the display. Did they have any decency? No, Emily, they were just enjoying themselves, maybe you should take notes... Looking down, she grimaced. She came here to let loose and pretend. Why wasn't she doing that? She brought the cup to her lips and choked the rest of the liquor down quickly. Her mouth twisted at the taste and she tossed used cup in the trash, getting another one from the guy at the tap.
She searched the crowd for Ben. He stood laughing with his friends. The floor was littered with empty cans and cups. Emily started walking toward him when she saw him start swaying and stopped. He looked over at her and she could see his eyes were slightly glazed. He waved her over, pushing from the wall he had started leaning against. Her stomach lurched but she forced herself to move. She took her place at his side and he wrapped his arm around her, pulling her in closer. His breath reeked of the beer he drank and the cigarettes he took from Jake, who smoked behind his parents back. Her nose wrinkled up. The combination didn't make her knees weak, it made her want to vomit. She swallowed it down roughly and plastered a smile on her face. The conversation between the jocks and their dates/one-night-stands went on all around her. She laughed when it seemed appropriate. Aww'ed and swooned, smiled up at Ben, leaned in and let him kiss her lips, while keeping hers tightly closed. She played the part she came to play.
Songs changed on the stereo. The teens got louder and drunker and Emily grew tired of it. She peeled her body from Ben's and walked toward the door. She pushed past the people that got in her way, needing air, needing the space she thought she didn't want earlier. As soon as she got out of the house and the night air hit her, she closed her eyes and relished the freedom. Emily jogged down the steps and headed away from the party.
The lake Jake's uncle lived on was beautiful with the moon dancing on the ripples. Pulling her shoes off, she strolled slowly along the edge. Her toes pressed into the moist earth. She sighed as she dug her feet into the soil. Swinging her shoes back and forth she climbed onto the dock that rose over the lake and sat at the far edge. Her legs hung over, the tips of her toes brushing the surface of the water and she tipped her head back. The silver moon and twinkling stars caught her attention. Emily connected the constellations in her head, finding Ursa Major and Ursa Minor. A smile, the first genuine one she's had since leaving Toby's, pulled her lips up, as she thought about how big the universe was and how her problems felt so small at that moment.
She closed her eyes, letting the peace wash over her. Her eyes snapped open when she sensed someone sit next to her, causing her to tense slightly. She turned her head to the person and relaxed. "Maya," she smiled, sitting up straighter. "I didn't know you were here."
"You seemed really busy earlier," her deep brown eyes bore into hers. "Is that your boyfriend?"
Nodding, Emily faced the lake again. "Yeah," she kicked her leg, sending water spraying up.
"You don't sound too happy about that," Maya scooted closer to the edge and hung her legs over the side as well. She was shorter than Emily so her feet stayed above the water line. "Is there a problem with your relationship?"
"I don't know," she shrugged, once again feeling tired. "I guess we are just too different. He wants something more than I'm ready to give." She sighed, listening to the yelling and music in the background for a moment. "Ben," she paused, unsure of what to say or why she was saying anything at all. Deciding to just stay quiet, she shrugged again.
"Is it because of that other guy," the shorter girl asked. "What was his name again, Tory?"
"Toby," Emily corrected immediately. She touched her palm where the bandage was starting to come off from her picking at it and the sweat. "He doesn't have anything to do with Ben or my relationship with Ben."
"You seemed pretty cozy with him," Emily turned to face Maya, whose left eyebrow was slightly arched. "I thought maybe you were interested in him."
"Why would you think that," she prayed her voice didn't give any of her panic away. "I just didn't want to leave him with all the building duties for our project." She licked her lips and kicked at the water again. "I don't feel anything like that for Toby," the lie tasted bitter in her mouth, but sounded believable to her ears. "He's just a guy that I got stuck with in Physics class."
"Hmm," her neighbor hummed. Her fingers brushed against Emily's, coming to rest on top of her hand. She looked down at the contact, her eyebrows coming together. Maya didn't say anything about their hands touching and Emily decided to follow suit. Maya's skin felt soft. Really soft compared to Toby's. Her fingers were smaller than Emily's own. The tension in her shoulders tightened and she rolled them to try and relieve it. Maya looked over, standing up and sat behind her. Her breath sailed across the back of Emily's neck as she shifted closer. "Shoulders hurt?"
"Just a little bit of tension," Emily responded, looking around her to make sure no one was watching them.
"Maybe I can help," Maya placed her hands on her shoulders, her thumbs against the base of her neck and began rubbing in hard circles. "My aunt is a massage therapist in New York. She used to teach me some of the basics. Can you lean your head forward a little?" Emily complied. "Wow, this is more than a little tension. You're knots have knots growing on them. Do you ever relax?"
A small laugh escaped her lips, "I think I've forgotten how." A moan followed her words, but she was enjoying the massage too much to be embarrassed by the sound. "Okay, that feels really good."
"I'm glad you like it," she jumped in surprise when Maya brushed her lips against her ear. Emily leaped up and crossed her arms over her stomach. Maya got up slower. "Did I do something wrong?"
"Look, Maya, I-"
"Emily!" Aria called to her from the end of the dock. "Spencer's ready to go and wanted to know if you needed a ride. Ben's passed out in one of the bedrooms, so, I don't think he's feelings will be an issue." Her friend turned to her neighbor and smiled. "You're Maya right? I'm Aria."
"Nice to meet you, Aria," Maya smiled at her. "If you don't want to go out of your way, I can drive Emily home. I haven't drank too much and we are neighbors, so I'll be going that way anyway."
Aria turned to face her and Emily nodded, "I'll talk to you guys later." Her friend nodded and left the two girls standing on the dock alone. Maya watched her and she stared back. Licking her lips, Emily sighed and answered the question she asked before Aria showed up. "Maya you didn't do anything wrong, it's just," she looked away, up at the sky, back at the lake and finally at the other girl again, "it's just I'm still with Ben and I have no idea..."
"Emily," Maya grinned at her. "It was just a massage. You don't need to get so bent out of shape about it." Her dark eyes shined at her. "Now how about we leave this party. It's getting really lame."
Emily nodded, grabbing her shoes in one hand and tucking her hair behind her ear with the other then she headed down the dock with the other girl. Walking toward Maya's car, Emily looked back up at the stars and saw one shoot across the sky. Closing her eyes, she made a silent wish, 'Let me find someone who will help me find my happiness again.'
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Toby sat on the steps of the cabin and looked up at the stars. A streak of light raced across the sky and he closed his eyes, making a wish like he did when he was a kid, 'Let me find someone who will help me find myself again.'
mel: I agree the chemistry between Toby and Emily is fantastic on the show. Love them so much. Thank you for the review. It means so much to me.
woow: LOL. Yeah they had a moment. I'm glad you liked the last chapter. Thank you for reviewing. =)
