This chapter is long, and heavy, and very angsty. Heavy trigger warning- anorexia, self-harm, depression, attemptedsuicide, suicidal thoughts, alcohol abuse, schizophrenia, panic disorder, and bipolar disorder.
"I was anorexic for almost two years. It was my junior year of high school, and that's when things got really bad. I perceived myself as a fat bitch, and that's what began the journey for me. I hid everything from these guys, starved myself, and just hated life. More importantly- it was the year of college applications, SATs, and more. The most important year of high school- and I was spiraling downward."
She takes a deep breath, and Riker squirms out from under my arm, to go wrap his arms around his twin, nuzzling into her neck and whispering into her ear. She nods slightly, and turns back to Austin. "I was so bad…I almost did start with self-harm, because there really was no outlet for me. We didn't have the band yet, and I had nowhere to turn. I was afraid to tell my brothers because I thought they'd agree with the guys at school- I was fat and a disgraceful sister."
My mind races- I still can't believe she thought that of us. We love her unconditionally- and she was definitely not fat. If anything, she already was underweight, and starving herself made it so much goddamn worse. I know that eating disorders are a problem in girls- but I never expected my sister to be one of them. She was always so perfect, and I'm so fucking glad we caught it in time, because otherwise- she very well could have died, and I don't know how we would've been able to live without her.
Riker leans in to kiss her neck lovingly, and I can't hold back a smile at the sight. We're all overly-affectionate, but the kiss is pure brother-sister loveliness. Incest is disgusting and wrong.
"So, anyway…" Rydel continues. "I was bullied a lot- they called me fat, stupid, idiotic- because I didn't understand a lot of what the teacher was saying. It wasn't because I was stupid- I have slight panic disorder- anxiety, basically, and it did interfere with my learning ability. The bullying was awful, and it left me suicidal for a long time. I probably would have killed myself- had it not been for Riker."
She smiles faintly, and squeezes his hand tighter, pressing herself back into Riker's chest. "I wanted to jump off a ledge…a roof, actually. That night was the worst of my life. But as I was about to- I thought of this idiot. He's not just my brother- he's my best friend- and I realized how heartbroken he'd be if I jumped. That, and he came onto the roof just in time to pull me back."
"After that, things started looking up. My brothers helped me to start eating again, and the thoughts of suicide began to fade. They didn't completely vanish- even today, I do wonder whether it's worth it. Food and I still aren't the best of friends, but I'm way better than I was, and I'm happier. If I ever do become anorexic again, these idiots know the signs- and I'm glad they do. They can catch me when I get too bad, so I won't end up like I almost did- dead."
She sighs. "The moral is…it can get better, Austin. You just need to give it time." And with that, she turns her body around, and hides her face in Riker's chest. He smiles sadly, and hugs her tightly, rubbing her back gently.
"She's fine," he mumbles- to Austin's shocked expression. "Just a bit emotional. Ratliff, you're up."
I sigh- my story isn't an easy one. I don't even like to talk about the place I was in- at that time. Rocky scoots close, wrapping an arm around my shoulders, and I give a sigh, leaning into his chest. "I'm bipolar and schizophrenic. And we didn't find that out until too goddamn late, because by then, I was so far down, that these guys had to rush me to the hospital, and I was put into a 72-hour psych hold. It was fucking hell, because they did all kinds of fucking evaluations and came up with shit results I never understood a word of, but that was my breaking point- this is the actual story."
Rocky's comfort is keeping me sane right now. He's able to calm me down like no one can- and the combination of him and a shitton of pills is what make me look like a normal sixteen year old. "When I was a freshman, I began to lash out at everyone for no reason. One minute- I was calm, the next- I was enraged. My mood swings were fucking crazy, and people looked at me like I belonged in a mental institution. I felt like I did…these guys were even getting irritated, and I just couldn't control it. I was depressed- like, really bad, like I looked up the most painful ways to kill myself because I wanted it to be agonizing and horrible."
"I just kept it all bottled up, and that was even worse, because it hurt so much- I lost all my friends because I became so hard to deal with, and I didn't think I'd ever felt more worthless in my life. It was horrible- to feel useless and worthless- like if I died, these guys would throw a fucking party, because they saw nothing in me." I can feel Rocky tense, and I lean further against him, as his arms tighten around my waist. "Freshman year went by- and I barely passed. I didn't think I was ever more ashamed of myself. But then…then came sophomore year."
My body gives an involuntary shudder at the mention of sophomore year. Rocky presses a kiss to my head, and I sigh heavily. Austin looks shocked, regretful, and sad- all in one. I wonder if he's prepared for this. "Schizophrenia is a disorder in which- you hear voices and see things that aren't there. The voices are purely negative and have the intent of killing you. It was no different for me. I began to hear the voices in the beginning of sophomore year- they told me to kill myself, to put it bluntly."
"They made me do things I regret- say things I can never take back- basically, they controlled my life, and I could do nothing but watch- as my life unraveled, and fell apart at the seams. I still remember the haunted look in Rocky's eyes, when I was forced to tell him I hated him. Broke my fucking heart, but it wasn't me in there. It started to get really bad, and I started cutting, slashing at my wrists like I was a piece of lunchmeat. The blood and pain felt good, and I just needed to control something. My breaking point- Rocky found me in my bathroom, with a loaded gun pressed to my forehead…" I swallow the lump in my throat, and press on. "It was fully loaded, and I would've fucking shot, if he hadn't bust the door open in time."
"That was when I was rushed to the hospital- diagnosed with bipolar disorder and schizophrenia- kept in isolation for seventy-two hours. It scarred these guys…it was just…the worst time of my life. It was actually less than six months ago…I was given medication to control both, that I need to take every morning and night- otherwise the voices come back. That's basically it. I'm fucked up." I finish with the conclusion- barely able to hold back tears.
"No, you're not, Ratliff. You're so strong for overcoming it…" Austin murmurs. I want to answer him, but I can't. Rocky sighs, pulling back, and coming around to pull me into his chest- face first. I bury my face in his chest, breathing heavily- trying to keep my tears in.
"You're okay- you're fine, you did great, bro," He whispers, kissing my head again.
"My turn," Riker mumbles. By the time it rolls around to my twin, I'm much calmer- enough to kiss his cheek gently, wrapping my arms around him and rubbing his back. Riker's still in recovery- so his story is the most recent.
"I've been self-harming since I was 15. It started off as something I needed- to get away from the pressure. By the time I was fifteen, Ratliff was in the process of breaking down…and Rocky…well, you'll learn that soon. But it just felt like the walls were closing in, and I needed something- anything- to relieve the pain. It was impossible to bear, and if cutting my skin open was the only way to cope, I did it. I'd cut before school, during lunch, after I got home, and just before bed. It became routine- I'd always wear long sleeves- I didn't eat much, and I became pale and withdrawn after not too long."
"It hurt, and I liked the way it did- that's how I can relate to you so well, Austin. I liked the pain- I kept craving more, like an addiction to drugs. I don't know how I was able to hide it for so long, but I kept my wrists covered, and became a pretty good actor- I even fooled Rydel, and that wasn't easy. She knows me more than any of them. But…soon, it became suicide."
He swallows hard, and I sigh, kissing his neck, and continuing to drawn comforting circles on his quivering back. He's so fucking strong, and I love him so much. He's been through a lot, and it's obvious just by looking at him.
"I would cut, and wonder if it would kill me. Sometimes…I cut deep on purpose- my desire was to bleed out- I hated myself so fucking much. Not gonna lie, I still do. I started on my thighs and hips, because my wrists were covered. I reopened old cuts, buried old scars- I wouldn't be satisfied until my arms were a bloody mess- I was scaring myself. This was almost senior year, and senior year…well, you could call it my breaking point. Two months ago…I cut so deep…I blacked out. Rydel found me, and I was rushed to the ER. I almost died of blood loss, and god…I narrowly avoided therapy. I made a promise to Rocky- he could check my arms three times a day- any new cuts would send me straight to therapy. That's why he asked if he could steal me, when you met him yesterday."
"It's not over, Austin," Riker mutters hollowly. "I'm still suicidal. I still want the blade more than anything. The only thing keeping me from it is my promise. Rocky is my brother, and I love him more than anything- my conscience will not let me break the promise I made. Sometimes I curse myself for it, because I need the blade so badly. Withdrawal hurts so badly, and sometimes I just wonder if this is worth it. But then, I go find one of these idiots, and they help me through it. Because we're family, and that's how we go about things- how we've always done it. We love each other unconditionally- and we're all there for each other- no matter how big our problems may be."
Riker lets out a deep breath, and I praise him silently, kissing his cheek and hugging him tightly. "You did so good, Rik. It's all over- relax."
Riker drops his head into the crook of my neck, and the soft whimpers he makes break my heart. "It's over, you did so good, calm down."
"And now, the floor is mine," Rocky mutters. Out of the corner of my eye, I can see Ratliff whispering something in his ear, to which he shakes his head and replies. Ratliff nods, and hugs him gently, keeping him calm.
"I jumped off a roof. I tried to kill myself, and obviously- it didn't work. It was my senior year, and I just couldn't take it anymore. I didn't want to live until graduation- no matter what people said. I just wanted to be done- I wanted peace, and I didn't realize the effect it would have on these guys. I didn't realize that it's probably my fault that they're so damn screwed up now- if I hadn't made that reckless decision, Riker may not have started cutting, and I could've figured out how to help Ratliff and Rydel- before they went too far."
"I was in a coma for two weeks- broke both my legs, one arm, all my ribs, even punctured a lung. It was really bad- that's what destroyed Riker. But I couldn't do it- I was a fucking coward. People were being dicks, our parents were putting way too much goddamn pressure on me, and all I could do at that point, was kill myself. I was fucking pissed that it didn't work- as soon as I woke up- my first thought was to try again, because I just wanted to die so goddamn badly."
"My friends convinced me to get drunk one night, a few weeks before I attempted suicide. It was fucking stupid, and I made some fucking horrid decisions- ones that cost me good friends- for the ones that only cared about getting shit-faced drunk. I regret that more than anything- I wish I hadn't made such horrible decisions, but my cutting was only getting worse, and I knew that I needed to stop soon. I took drinking as the substitute, and it wrecked me even more than the self-harm did. It's basically what pushed me over the edge."
Rocky takes a deep breath, and a wave of fear settles in my stomach. He's about to reveal something deep, and I don't know how mentally sane he is right now. Ratliff can tell as well- he shakes his head and presses a kiss to our oldest brother's forehead, looking him in the eye- trying to keep him calm. If Rocky panics, he will bolt. He'll run off somewhere, and we can't have that happen.
"We were driving- all of us were completely intoxicated. And…we crashed into someone. We hit someone head-on. It was a fucking miracle that no one died- they were injured, but no one died. I escaped with a minor concussion and a sprained wrist- which I felt was much too merciful. I needed to be punished for what I did. So- that's what pushed me over the edge- that's the main reason I attempted suicide. I almost killed someone- because I was too selfish and wrapped up in my own shit, to pull my head out of my fucking ass, and realize what I was doing."
"And not just those innocent people- I almost killed Riker- he started cutting because of me. I was such a fucking mess, and you have no fucking idea how much I regret my life. I won't end it- not by any means- but I know that I'm going to hell."
"It's alright, calm down. You can't panic- it's okay, shhh." I can hear Ratliff trying to calm him down, and I smile faintly, turning to Austin.
He has a haunted look in his eyes, and his face has paled dramatically. I'm not surprised- hearing all of that shit at once had to have an effect on him. He looks like he can't process his emotions, which is quite understandable.
"There's one more thing," I whisper hoarsely- the tears already creeping into my voice, as I lift my head from it's comfortable place on Ratliff's shoulder. "Our parents."
"Hush, I'll talk," Ratliff says gently. "You just told him your deepest and darkest secret, you need to stop worrying about things for a while. Lay your head back on my shoulder, and just relax. It's gonna be okay."
I sigh, burying my face back into his shoulder, and trying to swallow back a choked sob. It gets out anyway, and Ratliff's comfort only increases, as I try not to break down right then and there. I don't know if I'm strong enough for this.
"They walked out on us," Ratliff murmurs. "After Rocky's accident and my diagnosis, they ditched us- said we were too much to handle, and they were sorry. Rocky has custody of the three of us. We all have decided not to go to college- instead, we want to turn our band into a thing. Music is something we all love, and we want to be with each other- as close as possible- forever. We can't function without each other, so after I finish high school, we're going to see if we can get signed to a record label, and maybe release an EP. We don't know the details yet, and nothing's set in stone, but that's the tentative idea."
"This is a lot to take in- we know," Riker says. "But this is our story…and this is what we'll have to live with for the rest of our lives. We helped each other, and now it's time to help someone else. We can help you too, because we know how it feels to feel unwanted and worthless."
Thoughts? I'm not good with legalities- however, my legal guardian is my 21 year old brother- so I do have a bit of knowledge in that realm of things. I'm sorry for the pain this chapter was- their stories are not easy ones. I'd love to know what you thought- this chapter made me quite nervous to post.
-Neha
