Chapter Seven


Several hours later...

PEI groaned loudly, his forehead mashed into the table and one balled fist thumping the back of his head over and over, a motion of frustration not unlike a metronome. Things were not going well. Ontario had spent about three hours lecturing everyone about...Something. PEI hadn't been paying attention. It was well past noon and the catering staff had yet to arrive. And lastly, PEI had a throbbing headache. Then again, he couldn't exactly complain about it; this was one brought on by the screaming match that was currently raging not five feet from him, a screaming match he'd started.

PEI really, really hated that stupid fucking pipeline.

"-YEAH?! YEAH?! YOU WANNA GO, YOU FUCKIN' GRANOLA-MUNCHIN' BLEEDING-HEART LEFTY?!"

"DAMN STRAIGHT I WANNA GO YOU INBRED REDNECK! ALL YOU CARE ABOUT IS YOUR DIRTY OIL AND YOUR GODDAMN MONEY!"

"WHO THE HELL ARE YOU CALLING INBRED?! I'LL GIVE YOU INBRED, YOU BITCH!"

"I HATE GRANOLA!"

BC and Alberta leapt out of their respective seats and made an attempt to lunge at each other, presumably to have their little catfight on the table. Ontario and Saskatchewan immediately rose to stop it, the latter having been hovering behind his sister's chair since the discussion started for the express purpose of making sure things didn't turn violent. Ontario simply wrapped his arms around BC like he was giving her a hug from behind, digging the heels of his dress shoes in and relying on his strength to keep BC in place- no small task, if he was being honest. Saskatchewan, on the other hand, was in dire need of some assistance- Alberta was a fair bit stronger than him and the only reason she wasn't already out of his grasp and brawling with her sister was the simple fact that she had no desire to hurt her twin brother.

And the others REALLY weren't helping.

"FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT!"

"I hate you all so, so much..." he muttered.

Saskatchewan's grip on Alberta's shoulders finally failed, roughly at the same point that BC rammed an elbow into Ontario's ribcage. Alberta ripped her hat off and slammed it into her twin's chest as she leaped up on the table to meet her equally-enraged sister.

The doors flew open suddenly, causing everyone who wasn't in the middle of a flying tackle to freeze in their seat. Alberta and BC had barely landed a single blow apiece, the sudden interruption causing them both to topple sideways onto the table in a tangle of limbs and hair.

But the fighting had ceased, at least for the moment. Silence reigned in the room, governed by the shocked eyes of the man in the trim waiter's uniform who'd been sent up as a messenger.

PEI lifted his head.

"About time you showed up."


Five minutes later...

The young man lead the assembled provinces down the steps of the legislature to the outside of the building, where the sun was shining, the grass was green, and the smell of food filled the air. After so many hours arguing with each other, it was the picture of paradise, and they basked in the warmth of a glorious Canadian summer.

The picnic tables had been laid out in a long row in the shade, a long checkered cloth draped over the old timbers of the benches. Nearby were large metal pots on wheels, presided over by an attendant uniformed much like their guide. This was far from the most lavish lunch they'd ever had, but with the sun beaming down from above and the smell of the sea on the air, it was heavenly nonetheless.

Saskatchewan happily ditched his dress shirt, holding it in the crook of his arm and letting his tie flap about in the wind. He walked over to his twin, Alberta giving him a large smile as they went to go select a spot to drop their jackets.

The rest of the provinces were fragmenting off into their respective "groups"- the Maritimes and Newfoundland, the prairies and BC, and Ontario and Québec- it depended on who wanted to go where, really. The informal ordering had the upside of making the task of picking seats trivially easy.

As soon as everyone had claimed a spot near their informal "group", food became the top priority. A queue was formed, in no particular order, as the various provinces grabbed their plates and ambled by their options. The Maritimes doled themselves generous helpings of fish and PEI found a way to fit half the potato pot onto his plate; Québec and Ontario made a beeline for the pancakes and very patently ignored any and all strange looks about breakfast food for lunch.

The prairies pounced on the pot of perogies, and the three of them would surely decimate them by the end of lunch. That left BC poking at the leftovers, finally settling on something that looked vaguely like Chinese food before ambling back to the seat she'd taken between Manitoba and Nova Scotia.

The conversations were relaxed and chipper, amicable and friendly; the meeting and the politics happily forgotten as food and good company became the main priorities.

Some arguments had yet to be smoothed over- Alberta and BC still weren't making so much as eye contact, having put Manitoba and Saskatchewan between them-but that aside, it was going well for all involved.

Aside from PEI, that is.

Unlike the others, resigned to their easy languor and amicable talk, PEI was fidgeting nervously in his seat, shooting scared little glances at Alberta and Saskatchewan every so often. He wriggled out of his tie and stuffed it into the briefcase he'd discreetly brought along- real silk, a gift for his hundredth birthday from New Brunswick- and, when he was sure nobody was looking, ducked under the table and undid his shoelaces with a single tug. He took them off while he was at it, stuffing them in his briefcase and resurfacing.

PEI gulped.

Alberta and Saskatchewan (both several centuries his junior, it must be said) sported wicked grins, differing in their subtly and size. PEI's eyes darted to the plates in front of them- Alberta had polished off her perogies long since and next to the crumbs lay the remnants of the steak she's just devoured as well. Saskatchewan's plate was similarly empty with his napkin on it, which for the diminutive man was a signal of impending doom.

PEI grinned weakly. He was already done his potatoes and lobster and all the other things he'd sampled, and that meant his time was up.

Alberta and Saskatchewan got to their feat in unison, those nasty grins never once leaving their faces as the rest of the family took notice of what was going on.

PEI looked pleadingly around the table for someone, anyone, to come save him as the twins walked around the table to get to him. Ontario, Québec, Nova Scotia- they all smirked back at him and shook their heads as he looked at them for help that he knew full well wasn't going to come.

A pair of strong hands grabbed his shoulders and pulled him back out of his seat, knocking the small man to the grass. Saskatchewan caught his arms before his head could hit the ground and Alberta grabbed his ankles a half-second later, wrinkling her nose at PEI's stinky feet.

PEI yelped in surprise as the two towering prairies made a beeline for the fountain, still holding him between them. His heart sank as he saw it getting closer and closer, the other provinces following behind them, their grinning faces all he saw with a stolen backward glance.

The twins stopped a short ways from the fountain, and PEI groaned. "Not this again..."

They swung him back and forth, slowly, the height of the swing increasing to the count of one, two three...

And then he was flying through the air in a wide, lazy arc, a yelp of surprise trailing with him all the way into the fountain.

PEI hit the water with a resounding splash, breaking it and sinking into the icy pool for a second before struggling to the surface and shaking the water out of his eyes, treading water and rolling his eyes at his cackling siblings. He swam to the rim of the fountain and climbed out as Saskatchewan walked up with a towel and a massive smirk, handing it to his drenched host.

"You looked twice as dumb as I just did, I hope you're aware." PEI muttered at his younger brother from the depths of the towel, handing it over to the farmer who was currently towering over him so he could take off his coat.

Saskatchewan chuckled. "I'll bet I did, what with Onty and Québec doin' the throwing. But tradition's tradition." He patiently waited for PEI to wriggle out of the soaking dress shirt that was clinging uncomfortably to his body and handed him the towel.

"By the way, I made some arrangements with New Brunswick for you to have a change of clothes. Tradition's tradition but sitting in an air-conditioned room while you're soaking wet ain't no picnic, I'll attest to that."

PEI nodded gratefully, gathering up his soaking suit and dutifully stomping barefoot over the lawn to where New Brunswick was waiting. Some of their little traditions were incredibly stupid, in his rather damp opinion.


A/N:

Sweet baby Jesus I'm so sorry it took so long to get this out. I have some issues with my wrists and I wasn't able to write anything for the last three weeks. So I'm sorry about that. Hopefully the next chapter will be more timely.

-The tradition of dunking the host province in their legislature's fountain is purely fictional and is not based off of any real-world political practice, as funny as that would be.

Next time: The war over PEI's sofa reaches its epic conclusion!