Jim had lunch on the table; leftover turkey carved for sandwiches, rolls and all the side dishes. He looked tired. Seri mentally reached for him. "Not now kiddo. But I need to talk. Just not now."
"Are you ok?"
"I will be."
"Jim are you okay?"
"I will be Bones. It was a very interesting morning. Mama had to go to town, said to relax she would be back before 14:00."
It was already 13:00, Jo would be there soon. Len was excited but scared. What if Joce thought he was a murderer; she would definitely take Jo from him. What if this was his last day with his baby? "Stop doing that. You are ruining your life worrying about things that may never happen. Enjoy the now. The future will come and we will help you no matter what the outcome is."
"I know." They cleaned after which Seri excused herself to fix her hair and makeup. She knew those two needed some time together, even if it was to simply sit on the porch and enjoy a beer.
"Hey Jim, y'all want to grab a couple of beers? I'll meet you on the front porch." Jim grabbed the beers and headed out. The last time they were alone, Bones spent the entire time telling Jim he was a controlling asshole who should leave him the fuck alone. That was a mere twenty-four hours before. Now they were going to quietly sit on the front porch near one of the white columns and either say nothing, or work through this. Either way, by the end things would be better. Both men sat in silence watching the geese move across the yard. "I'm sorry kid. I didn't mean it. I'm an ass when I'm scared."
Jim looked at him. He loved his "big brother"; Leonard may have been the first person Jim ever truly loved. He knew Len hadn't meant it; he knew it as it was happening. The apology wasn't necessary for him, but he knew it was necessary for Len. "It's okay Bones. It really is."
"No kid it isn't. You don't have to do this. You could be home with your family. Instead you are here with my angry ass."
"I am with my family. And you aren't angry, you are scared, and lost." Len looked surprised. "You know I'm not just a child fucking his way through the student body?" The older man's eyebrow shot up. "You know I'm not, and don't try to change the subject. Please talk to me. Tell me what has you so scared. I have never seen you scared before yesterday. Space flight doesn't count. By the way I wouldn't go after Seri like that again. I doubt it would end well for you."
"Yeah, not one of my finer moments."
He took a deep breath as he looked at the floor. He couldn't look at Jim's face and get through it. He told him everything; how his father was dying in pain, his mom there every day with her husband, his father begging him to end it; begging his son to kill him. He made his son a murderer. "You aren't a murderer." Jim knelt in front of his brother and forced Bones to look him in the eye. "It was physician assisted suicide, not murder."
"I was his son, forget that assisted suicide is legal, it is unethical for me to treat him. It was damn sure unethical and illegal for me to kill him. He wins again and I will lose everything because of what I did. They'll take everything, my license, everything."
Jim stood and started to pace. "Who knows?"
Len looked at him. Where was he going with this? "You, me, Seri; but, I am telling mama tonight. I can't live not telling her. I know it is selfish, but I need to. Please don't tell me I shouldn't."
Jim pulled up a chair and sat directly in front of him. "Look at me." Len looked him directly in the eye, not flinching. "No one else; tell no one else. Tomorrow we'll see what Emory has to say."
"They have to know. Why else would they want me to come in? I turned everything off, then I went to the nurse and said I thought my dad had died."
"Had you turned it back on?" This is important." "I don't know."
"Think."
"I can't." Just then a hovercraft pulled up the drive.
"DADDY!" Joanna McCoy had barely waited for the hovercraft to stop when she jumped out and ran to her father. He ran to meet her, scooping her up just before she reached the steps. She had her arms around his neck, squeezing as hard as she could.
He buried his face in her hair, she smelled so good. He had his little girl, daddy's little girl. "Hi Turtle. I love you baby."
"I love you too daddy." He closed his eyes; he didn't want to cry; she would think he was sad. Seven-year-old little girls shouldn't understand what he was feeling. He never wanted to let her go.
Joce got out of the craft and headed toward the porch and Jim. She wanted the father and daughter reunion to last as long as possible. Jim met her at the bottom of the stairs. "Hi! I'm Jim Kirk." He extended hand which she took gladly.
"Jocelyn McCoy. Len has mentioned you. So I am sure you know I'm the bitch of an ex-wife."
Jim laughed, "He never said that. Other things yes, but not that." She laughed.
"Hi Joce." She turned towards her ex-husband, what she saw concerned her. He looked tired and his eyes were rimmed red. He gave her a kiss on the cheek which she returned.
"I would ask how you are Len; but, you'll only lie and tell me you are fine. So, let's just skip that. But, I am worried about you."
"You don't have to."
"Sure let me just snap my fingers. There now I don't care anymore." Len knew he wouldn't win this one. Why were all of the women in his life like this; strong willed. Oh, that's right, he always liked strong, intelligent women. Some days he needed to remind himself of that.
Jocelyn McCoy was almost a foot shorter than her ex, but she definitely made up for it with her attitude. Jim liked her. Many things can affect a marriage and Jim would never judge, it usually was the fault of both partners. But it was clear to him that Jocelyn still loved Len, not in love with him, but she definitely had some love for him. Len felt the same way about her. He didn't love her the way he loved Seri, but he still felt some love for her. Jim looked at all of them "I think I heard mama come home. I'll tell her and Seri you got here."
He headed in giving them some time. "Baby, why don't you go in with Mr. Kirk and get grandma. Your mom and I need to talk." She gave her daddy a kiss on the cheek as he put her down. She ran up the stairs after Jim, ponytail bouncing.
"Okay Joce let me have it. I don't take care of myself, I don't call enough, what is it?" They walked towards the pecan trees.
"Are you done? Good. My turn. What are you scared of darlin'?"
He stopped short. "What do you know? Who talked to you?"
She saw him start to panic. "Len, no one told me anything. I just know you." Her voice had become soft, caring, "You only get like this when you are scared. Just like when your dad died. You seemed angry for so long. It helped destroy us. I didn't understand what it was until after you were gone. I just don't want to see you go down that rabbit hole again."
"I'm not. I have people helping me. You met Jim, Seriana is inside."
She smiled; his face said it all. "You're in love. Good for you. You deserve it." She kissed him on the cheek. "You always did." Joce turned and walked back to the house. He would be okay. She felt it, he had strong people with him. Good for Len.
He watched her as she climbed the stairs. Did he deserve it? He doubted it, but was grateful none the less. He followed her back to the house. Jim, Seri, and Jo were waiting on the porch.
"I'll be back around seven to get her."
"Mooommmmm! Why can't I stay all night? I want to stay with Daddy."
Len walked over to his baby and stooped down in front of her, "Jo, I would love for you to stay; but, I have a lot of meetings at the hospital so, I won't have time for the next few days. Your mom and I wanted to make sure we saw each other today. But, after the meetings I promise your mom will bring you back here for a few days. Maybe we can all go riding then." With that Jo brightened up.
Joce had introduced herself to Seri. Seri liked her; she felt the love Joce had for her family. Len stood up. "I'll have her ready at seven." Joce headed out while Len took Jo's hand and headed to the stables.
Seri looked at Jim, "Should we help Mama?"
"I don't think so. She kicked me out of the kitchen right before I came to get you. She said something about us talking. That I was a stubborn pain in the ass who needs to reach out for help."
Seri laughed, "She really has you figured out. What do you want to talk about?" She could feel how nervous he was. "Jim, lets go for a walk."
They went the opposite way of Len and Jo, toward the cow pasture. The McCoy's had about fifty cows for milk. They walked in silence until they came to the split rail fence. "Jim, you can always talk to me. You know that."
"I do. You know you still haven't checked your PADD."
"I am aware. Stop the avoidance."
"Look who's talking."
"I'll deal with her after Jo leaves. Better?"
"Yes."
"What is bothering you?"
Jim looked at her, "What do you know about Tarsus IV?"
"What I studied in my childhood trauma class. I also know you were there."
"Oh, does Len know?"
"Yes. You talk during your nightmares."
"Have you been in my head during them?"
"No. But, if you want we can do that. I can guide your dream."
"Please not today."
"Okay. Baby, I would never do that to you without your permission."
"I know."
"Jim what do you want to tell me. It's just us here. You can tell me anything." He could feel her love for him.
"I can't stop the fear some days. I'll smell something; or, like today, I'll touch something, and I'm back there hiding, watching my little cousin die. She was only five and she thought I could fix anything. I couldn't." He looked at her not knowing if he could tell her. No one knew this, no one. If Bones thought he was a murderer because of his father; Jim was positive he was after Tarsus IV. Jim knew what it was to kill someone who had done nothing but trust him and love him.
"What was your cousin's name?" "Kallie."
"Jim would this be easier telepathically?"
"No! Sorry, no I need to say this, I need to say it. You know what Kodos did, the mass killings. Everyone heard about that and the escape of the group of children. What no one knows is he caught some of those children. He tortured them trying to find out where the others were. We could hear their screams. It went on for hours until he finally killed them. One day Kallie and I were trapped. Kodos' men were going to find us. She was so sick and weak." His breathing was ragged and he started to hyperventilate.
"Jim, I need you to sit down." After they sat on the ground she took his hand in hers and placed it on her chest. "Feel me breathe. Concentrate only on my breathing." He started to calm. "Do you want to continue, or would you rather wait?"
"I think I need to wait."
Leonard started to move; the nightmare played in his head. Jim got up and moved to his side of the bed. Seri went to take care of him, but Jim's look assured her that he had this. Jim knew everything that happened on Mylus; even more than Seri. Part of him wanted to destroy all of them. He was grateful he didn't have any red matter. If he did Mylus might not still exist. "I'm here Bones. You're safe.
No one can touch you." If anyone understood these nightmares it was James Kirk. "Kiddo, why don't you go get some sleep? I can't sleep anyway." She got up and made her way to her cabin. She needed rest, but doubted sleep would come. She knew Jim needed to do this.
"I'm sorry Bones. None of this was supposed to happen." How had all of this happened? It didn't matter. What mattered was them, the three of them; the family. "I'm here. I'm not going anywhere. Remember, brothers forever. We made that pact years ago." He wanted to fix the pain, take it away. Only he could truly understand what the doctor was going through. How do you get past allowing someone you love, someone you are responsible for, die? This wasn't turning off life support. This was active participation; to actively have killed to save the one you love. Killed them to stop the pain; killed part of yourself to release them.
Bones startled awake. He couldn't feel Seri but he knew he wasn't alone. "Lights 50%." Jim wasn't taking his eyes from Bones. "Hi kid." He rubbed his face.
Jim's expression was neutral, "Let me see your back."
If Jim had punched him in the gut it might have hurt less. "So you know." It was not a question.
"Yes."
"All of it?"
"The reports are quite detailed. Those two should be writers, not in security." He didn't tell Len he had also read the autopsy report; though, Len may have assumed he did.
"I'll hand in my resignation by morning."
"I won't accept it. I have the best damned CMO in the fleet. You can't think I would let him go without a fight?"
McCoy turned to look at him. There was a strained smile on the kid's face. "You may have to. CMO's need to be licensed."
"Why would you lose your license?"
"I broke my oath. 'First do no harm'. Tell me that what I did adhered to that. Tell me that Captain!" He was yelling by the end; something Jim was waiting for, something his friend needed. Len got up and headed for the bourbon.
Jim didn't move, "Could he have survived the next round of torture?"
The bourbon was poured. "Would they have taken anyone else, or would it definitely have been him?"
The bourbon was finished in one shot and another glass poured. "Answer me. These aren't rhetorical questions doctor."
"I don't know Captain." He finished the second glass.
"Don't you? Tell me, how many of you had they touched?"
Jim made his was over to Len and stood behind him; close enough to be felt, but not touching. "Just him, just Pavel."
"Was he in pain?"
"Yes."
"A lot?"
"Yes." The doctor's voice was a whisper.
"Could he have survived more torture?"
"No."
"Would he have done nothing but suffered and died in fear, with only his captors around him?"
"Yes. Jim please stop. I can't do this."
"No. You can. You are one of the strongest men I know. You can do this."
The glass fell to the floor as Jim grabbed Len before his legs gave out. "Please Jim, please." As he turned Len around he was careful not to touch his friend's lower back. He started to take off Len's blue shirt. Though he allowed Jim to do this, he stopped him when Jim went to remove the black undershirt. "Please don't. Just let it go. I'll be fine."
"No." The tone was more captain than friend. He was done requesting. The black shirt was removed along with the bandages around his torso. Jim took a deep breath when he saw the amount of damage, not just to the doctor's lower back, but also his abdomen. Jim knew it was bad, but clearly there were things missing from the reports. Maybe no one else knew. Maybe they thought it wasn't this bad. Len was a doctor; he could hide some of it.
"Jim. I'll be fine; just need a couple of days. The burns may take a little longer than the cuts, but I'll be fine."
Jim pulled out his comm, "Dr. Targan, please report to Dr. McCoy's cabin, we have a medical situation."
"Jim!"
"Bones, please sit down. It will be alright."
