Title: Hello, Goodbye
Author: ZombieJazz
Fandom: Law & Order: SVU
Disclaimer: I don't own them. Law and Order SVU and its characters belong to Dick Wolf. The characters of Jack (and his family) have been created and developed for the sake of this AU series.
Summary: A shadow from Olivia's past shows up on her doorstep and offers the opportunity for her to take a very different direction in her life. This story exists outside of the universe that my other stories are happening in.
Author's Notes: This AU series is for SVU fans and readers who want Olivia to have something that resembles a more normal life outside of work and a family of her own - hopefully somewhat realistically within the canon of SVU. Most of the chapters will ultimately take place outside of the work environment, so there aren't going to be too many references to cases from the show. But this story would generally be starting in about Season 13/14 of the show. Please let me know what you think and if you distribute elsewhere.
She glanced up as she saw Benji stir. They'd put some more pain medication into his IV after they got him into a ward bed after the CT scan and he'd been sleeping mostly soundly for a couple hours.
He'd been dead-to-the-world enough, that she'd gone and found a badly battered, 18-month-old Good Housekeeping magazine in a nearby waiting room and dragged it back to look at his bedside. It's content was ridiculous, but at least it was something to look at and to try to pass the time.
Jack's stomach had been growling so loudly and hungrily she'd eventually told him that he should go and see if the cafeteria was still open – or at least find a vending machine and grab a bag of chips or something. Just because Benji couldn't eat until after his surgery, didn't mean they had to starve themselves too. Realistically, she knew the kid was going to need his energy to get through the next couple days – if not the next couple weeks or months. It had taken some convincing but he'd eventually relented and left her to monitor his sleeping nephew. He'd been gone about 20 minutes at that point, though, so she was hoping that meant that he'd found the cafeteria open and was getting a meal into himself. Or maybe it'd been closed and he'd taken a wander outside the hospital to see what he could find. She knew there was a Dunkin' Donuts and a couple sandwich places and pizza shacks nearby that'd likely be operating around the clock. And, she figured getting a bit of fresh air and stretching his legs wouldn't hurt him either.
She put down her magazine and gave Benji a little smile and leaned forward a bit.
"Hey Benji, how you feeling?"
He blinked at her a couple times through the dim night-level lighting in the room. She had the little reading light on above his bed. He hadn't seemed to even notice it before – but maybe it was bothering him now. He seemed to glance around a bit.
"Jack will be back in a few minutes," she assured him. She didn't want to mention the food aspect of him being out of the room. She'd been sure to mention to Jack that he shouldn't bring the food back to the room and eat in front of Benji. She hoped he would've figured that out on his own – but he seemed like he was still in a bit of a state and was tired. Not to mention, kids that age just didn't think properly sometimes.
She hoped she wasn't lying too badly to the little boy right now, though. She'd already seen him have two other meltdowns so far that night. Getting him to drink the contrast solution for the CT had been a chore. Jack had basically given up with Benji's screaming and resigned to the fact that they were just going to be stuck in the hospital a couple days and Benji was going to have to endure two rounds of anesthesia and an MRI. She wasn't ready to give up so easily, though. So she'd taken over and urged the little boy on – a sip at the time between pouring tears and screaming protests. She was sure other people in the beds in the ER thought the boy was deathly ill or being tortured from the fit he was putting up. He'd calmed a bit after they managed to get all the fluid into him but the crying had started again when they had to wheel him to the radiology and imaging unit. All down all the hallways, he'd just wailed and then he flailed as they tried to get him onto the bed of the scanner.
"Ben, you need to lay still," Jack just kept telling him. "You're more grown-up then this. Stop being such a baby."
That had just made him cry harder and she'd again crouched down next to the bed and wiped at his tears.
"Benji," she told him softly. "Listen to me." He just sputtered more and more. She got some tissue from the techs in the room and blew at the snot in his nose while Jack just stood there behind her with his arms crossed, looking so lost about what to do or how to manage the situation at all.
"OK, Benji," she told him again, as he calmed at least into silent, though body shaking, sobs and rolling tears rather than all-out wailing. At that point she hoped that he'd been crying so much and his little boy had been through so much that night that he'd just sleep after they got the hell out of that room. "You want to get out of the hospital really quick, right?"
He'd just looked at her with his glassy, watery eyes.
"I know this is really scary and you're hurting. But you need to co-operate right now, OK? Then you're going to be able to go home sooner. So this nice lady …" she gestured to one of the waiting techs, "she's going to put some straps on you now – to help you lay really, really still like we wall talked about upstairs. And even then you're going to lay really, really still – as still as you can – and they are going to take some pictures of you with this machine. And you're going to do exactly what they tell you. You need to listen and co-operate so you can go home tomorrow, OK?"
He hadn't given her any sort of answer but he didn't fuss when the tech came over and strapped him with the soft restrains – keeping his legs, arms and head in place and hopefully still for the scan.
Olivia wiped at his little tears a little bit more. "OK Benji. Good boy. Now Jack is going to stand in that room just behind your head with the other ladies, OK? And I'm going to be just outside the door and in a few minutes we're going do go up to a room and to bed so you can get some sleep. And the doctor said you could have a couple ice chips when we get upstairs too. Would you like that?"
He gave a small nod – as much as he could with his restrained head.
She smoothed her fingers across his forehead. "OK. Good boy. So keep being brave for a few more minutes and then we're going to get to all those things."
She'd felt almost a sudden urge to give him a little kiss on the forehead as she got up from her crouch beside the scanner table. But she'd known that would be inappropriate – that it would likely upset Jack and it might've really upset and confused Benji. So she just rubbed her thumb down his temple and tear stained cheek again and gave him a small smile, before nodding at the tech and giving Jack a look before she stepped outside the CT room's door.
She would've preferred to stay in the booth too – but they were only allowing one of them to and there wasn't even any discussion. It was Jack that got to take up that space. It felt like the 10 minute scan took hours while she leaned against the wall outside the room with her arms crossed – hoping that it would go well and that Benji would co-operate and that the doctors would be able to get what they needed from the imaging so they wouldn't have to endure an MRI with the little boy.
"I need to pee," Benji told her, still squinting in the light and seeming slightly disoriented.
She nodded. She wasn't surprised he needed to pee. He hadn't requested a bathroom trip yet – and they'd had him ingest a litre of contrast and must've dripped about a litre more of fluid into the little boy at that point. That was a lot for a little bladder.
"OK," she told him. "I'll call the nurse."
She pushed the little call button on the side of his bed and waited as it made the beeping noise until a voice eventually came across the built-in intercom. "Can I help you?" the woman's voice said, sounding almost slightly annoyed. Though, it had been kind of clear that the night-staff wasn't that excited about ending up with a child on their ward – especially one that was still pre-op and who wasn't in a post-op sleep stupor.
"He needs to pee," Olivia said into the intercom.
There was a short pause and some rustling. "We've got him listed a mobile. Bathroom's at the back of the room."
Olivia rolled her eyes. "He's four – and has a broken arm and an IV in the other arm."
"Still going to be faster than us getting a bedpan over there," the nurse had said and the intercom had cut out.
She sighed and looked at the little boy. "The nurse is going to be a few minutes, Benj," she told him. "Do you think you can hold it until she comes or until Jack comes back?"
He shook his head at her. "I need to go," he told her and she was sure he was on the verge of tears again.
So she nodded. "OK," she agreed half-heartedly, "then let's get you up and to the bathroom."
He sat up and then didn't seem to know what to do with the IV taped and gauzed against his one hand while his other arm was strapped in a sling against his chest.
She patted down beyond the rails. "Scoot here to get out of the bed," she told him.
He made a movement to do that – but put his hand down on the bed and must've tugged the IV in some way because he winced and made a little sound.
She sighed again and stood from her chair. "Here," she told him and stuck out her hands, shoving them under his armpits and carefully maneuvering her arms around the IV line while also trying to make sure she had most of his weight fall onto that side of his body and not where the break was. She pulled him up off the bed and was almost surprised at just how light he actually was. She'd intended to put him on the ground to let him walk to the bathroom but he'd reached for her and his arm came up and around her neck in a tangle with the IV line.
"Ah, OK," she said – partially to herself and partially to him, while she attempted to untangle the line from around her neck without managing to rip it out of him – and to settled him on her hip.
She was used to dealing with kids – but this was different. She wasn't entirely sure what to make of any of it – or how she was supposed to act, what she was supposed to do, what would be crossing lines, what was only going to end up hurting Benji in the end, what Jack would frown upon, what would end up hurting her in the end too. She didn't want another Calvin situation on her hands. She didn't think she could go through that again. That had hurt her in a way she'd been unprepared for. She thought it had nearly broken her – actually, it had, until she'd realized she could be even more broken with Elliot's departure.
She managed to get the line sitting in a way that seemed more reasonable and clutched the little boy tightly against her while she reached for the IV machine and managed to get it rolling without him protesting that anything was tugging in a way that hurt. So she carried him over to the bathroom and managed to very awkwardly struggle to get the door open and the IV over the jam and into the little room for him – before setting him on the ground in front of the toilet.
"OK," she told him. "I'll wait outside."
He looked at her with pleading eyes.
"What's wrong Benj?"
"I don't know how," he told her.
She looked at him in his hospital gown and the sling and the IV and sighed.
"Just like you always do, sweetheart," she told him. What else was she supposed to say?
He shook his head at her. "I have to go," he whined.
"I think maybe we should wait for the nurse or for Jack to get back," she told him.
Seriously, she wasn't sure helping the kid in the bathroom was crossing some sort of line. She'd felt awkward enough dealing with some of that stuff with Calvin – telling him that he needed to bathe, apparently that was something 11-year-old boys needed to be instructed to do and didn't seem to self-initiate; washing and folding his underwear, and he definitely hadn't given up the ghost in the ass-wiping department. But she didn't need to school him on how to take a piss. Sure, Benji was a little boy – but still …
"I need to go 'Livia," he pleaded.
She sighed again. "OK," she said.
He was a little boy. He was asking for help. Fuck, he needed help. She'd probably need help the first time she needed to take a piss if she was outfitted in as much medical equipment as him at the moment – and she wasn't four. She wasn't doing anything wrong, she told herself. She sure as hell knew where the line was and wasn't in terms of wrong.
"OK, I'm going to hold up the gown for you," she told him, as she bent forward and lifted up the seat for him and then gathered the gown and held it above his shoulder – giving him the space to do his business and also some privacy.
He still had his briefs on though and he fumbled trying to get them down with his solo gauzed-up and IV-tied hand. "It hurts," he whimpered.
She nodded and wadded the gown in her one hand more and leaned forward with her free hand and stuck a thumb into the waistband at his one hip and pulled them down just enough to give him access.
He flailed again with his IV hand and rapped his slinged arm against his chest and made another little noise and glanced up at her.
She sighed. "OK, Benj, I think you're just going to need to sit down, OK? Otherwise you're going to have to wait for Jack to get back."
He shook his head. "Girls sit."
"Boys sit when they are in the hospital and have broken arms," she told him. She leaned forward and put the seat back down. "Sit," she told him seriously.
He glanced at her again but seemed to listen and sat his little butt on the toilet apparently just in time – because she heard the urine start to hit the water near instantly and continue for quite a while.
"Are you done?" she asked him after the sound stopped but he'd continued to sit there silently. She'd be examining the corner rather than him but glanced down at him now and he gave her a small nod. "OK," she told him. "Stand back up. Do you need toilet paper or something?" she asked. She didn't know what the protocol was for when boys took a piss sitting down versus standing – or if there was one? She supposed it didn't really make a difference – and he just shrugged at her anyways. So she just left it. She doubted if he ended up with a wet spot on his underwear that it would really add any greater discomfort to him than he was already in.
His underwear had fallen all the way to the floor with the sit-down maneuver, though, and she had to drop the gown and crouch down to get it for him and manage to pull it back up for him. She mustn't have done it properly or comfortably – because he'd done almost a little dance after she thought she'd managed to get it back into place for him.
"Are you OK?" she asked. He'd just nodded again. "Ah, OK, let's see if we can wash that hand a bit," she said and grabbed a paper towel and put some water and soap on it and wiped down the fingers still sticking out of the gauze they'd wrapped around the IV needle in an attempt to keep him from poking at it. He'd just let her – not saying a word – and watching her with big eyes.
"OK," she told him as she finished. "Back to bed."
He stuck up his free arm at her again, though, clearly demanding to be picked back up. She gave him a little nod and pushed the door open first, holding it with her foot and wiggling the IV machine over the little bump and out the door.
"OK, come here," she told him and put her hands down at his level and he took the couple steps forward before she scooped him back up and this time more easily managed to get him positioned on her hip for the walk back to the bed. He hadn't let go, though, as she tried to lean over and put him back on the elevated mattress.
"I want the ice," he told her, clinging to her neck.
She sighed. It was almost 2 a.m. – well after the midnight cut-off for him crunching on the few ice chips they'd been given for him in a cup when they'd gotten into the room.
"No more ice, Benj. You can't have anything more to eat right now."
"I'm hungry," he told her as she straightened back up to eliminate the strain on her neck as he decided if he was going to lie down or not.
"I know – but you can't eat right now. You'll get to eat after your surgery in the morning."
He tightened his grip on her more at the mention of the surgery again. Jack had tried to explain it to him earlier – as had the on-call surgeon. But even in simple terms – apparently it still sounded terrifying to the little boy.
"How about we hold the ice pack on your arm again?" she offered, laying her hand against the discarded cold pack on the table. It still felt cold to her.
He nodded against he shoulder.
"OK, let's lay down and get it on there then," she told him.
He shook his head. "I sit with you," he informed her.
"OK," she nodded – and moved to put him in the rocking visitor chair that Jack had vacated, but he again clung to her.
"NO! I sit with you," he told her again.
She looked at him and where he had his little face buried against her shoulder and was huffing hot little breaths against her neck. She knew she was already fucked. However this ended now – she was going to get hurt. She could feel it. But she wasn't going to leave this little boy alone through this. She wasn't going to leave Jack spinning about how to deal with any of it – looking so lost and scared himself.
She was an adult. She could suck it up – even if it meant she was already feeling the stirrings of attachment and the evitable pain she knew she was going to feel when the next 24 hours were over and she'd likely not get to see the two boys again for weeks or months … or ever.
"OK," she told him. "Here, hold this for me," she said, handing the cold pack to him and shoving it between them and against his slinged arm. It was definitely still cold – she could feel it against her chest.
She maneuvered the IV machine more and put it next to the rocking chair – claiming it for herself and Benji. Jack could have the hard chair she'd spent the last three hours sitting in when he got back. Or if he couldn't convince Ben to get back into bed – maybe he could lay down and get at least a bit of sleep. She could see the young man fading too and she knew he'd need his patience in the morning. She needed him to be there mentally and emotionally for the little boy in the hours leading up to surgery – she knew they were going to need it.
She managed to get seated and pulled Benji's legs across her lap – and then untangled the IV lines again so they weren't wrapped around either of them. Benji didn't seem to mind either of the movements and cuddled even more into her – making her heart ache a little bit more – and curled his head just under her chin. She re-adjusted the cold pack, moving it away from her shirt and skin and settling it on top of his slinged arm a bit more. She rocked the chair a little bit for him and rubbed down his little arm.
"Story," Benji said quietly.
She gave a little smile and looked down at him. She leaned over and grabbed the magazine off the arm of the other chair, where she'd left it.
"I've just got this magazine right now, Benj. It's not very good for a story – but let's see what we've got in here."
She glanced over at the bed – surrounded by curtains – on the other side of the room. Its occupant was an older man who's been in surgery earlier in the day apparently. Whatever they had pulsing through his system – he seemed to be out good. Or at least he was still snoring. He hadn't even seemed to stir on their bathroom adventure and she hoped her reading quietly to the little boy wouldn't disturb him either.
She paged through the magazine. "Ah, OK, let's read about decoding your pet's whacky behaviour. Sounds pretty fascinating, right?"
Benji had given a little nod.
She gave a small snort. "OK," she said and gave him a small smile. She thought he'd be asleep again soon anyways.
"How to help your shy pup feel comfortable," she read the ridiculous headline to him. "For fearful dogs …"
"Do you have a dog 'Livia?"
She looked at him again. "No, I don't Benji."
"There's a dog called Benji, too," he told her.
She gave him a small smile and rubbed his arm some more. "There is. Have you seen any of those movies?"
He gave another little nod.
"Those movies were on when I was a little girl too," she offered. "They're pretty good. Lots of adventures."
He gave another little nod. "He helps people."
She smiled. "He does. Have you seen any of the Lassie movies? He helps people too."
The little boy nodded some more. "We had a dog at the farm," Benji said.
"Oh yeah? What was his name?"
"London. But he Uncle Greg's and Jee-Peedg says London doesn't like the city and couldn't come live with us."
She put her chin on the top of his head and rubbed his back a bit more. "Jack is likely right. I don't think a farm dog would like the city very much."
"Why not?" Benji asked.
"Not enough room for him to run and play," she told him.
"But there is lots of places to skate and play," he told her.
She smiled. "There are. You like skateboarding, Benji?"
He nodded against her.
"You're very good."
"You can to lots of tricks when you're very good," he told her, "and then you can 360 and cavemen and lots."
"Mmm, it sounds like you have lots more to learn. It's a good thing that Jack is a good teacher."
He nodded some more.
"Will I still be allowed to skate after?" he asked quietly.
She rubbed his back a bit more and nodded her head against the top of his head. "Yea, Benji. You're likely going to have to take a bit of a break while your arm gets better – but then you can skate again. But I think you're going to have listen when Jack tells you that you're done for the day and not try to do tricks when you don't have your pads or helmet on. You wear them for a reason, sweetheart."
He nodded against her. "I sorry," he said softly and gave a little sniff.
She stroked her hand through his hair and made eye contact. "No sorries," she told him. "It's OK. We just need to get you fixed up. I don't think you'll be making this mistake again, though, will you?"
He gave her big eyes and shook his head.
She gave him a little smile. "Good boy," she told him and rubbed her thumb across his forehead.
How could this little boy's mother have left him? She didn't care she was young – 21 – and it was likely a stupid mistake by an immature, damaged, young woman. Now this beautiful little boy was going to struggle his whole life because of her selfish choice to do drugs at a party and to just keep taking them. It made her mad. Benji was another victim now – and it wasn't fair.
