Dear Fanfiction Writers,

I know it's hard to resist looks like mine when you think about me, but seriously, you might want to tone down on the fics. I'm flattered and all but I just don't bend that way. Sherlock? John? Anderson?! No way.

It's not that I'm against that sort of thing, to each their own is what I say! But some fics are terrifyingly graphic. Especially those Sherlock/Lestrade/John threesome things. I've had nightmares ever since that idiot Anderson sent me that email. Shudders.

As for Hooper and Donovan, I work with both women and would not compromise our respective professional relationships (but if we were to speak hypothetically, then: Hooper yes, Donovan no.)

And to address the pink elephant in the room, Mystrade will die unfulfilled! I mean all the fics are just so weird. What is wrong with you people?!

Additionally, there was a Mrs. Lestrade and she was a cheating, lying she-demon of a woman. She did not die of some terrible disease or a car accident and I do not have three sons I am sorrowfully mothering. I am NOT Jude Law.

Points if you got that reference.

Also, why is it you seem convinced I am not in touch with my emotions and I need some chick to pull them out of me. Gah, I can be emotional if I choose.

Yours Truly, Greg Lestrade.