7. Aftermath

Diane returned to work quickly, as George had feared she would insist on doing. And, just as everybody had assured Penny would be the case, Diane's return completely changed the atmosphere of the rehearsals. For one thing, she had nothing but praise for Penny's work. And so, as quickly as Penny's fears had surged, to the point of terror, now they subsided until she could hardly remember why she had been so worried. Recalling her panic, and recognizing that it had almost certainly been unfounded, gave her one more set of regrets to add to the ache she experienced every day.

Penny felt fortunate that the rehearsals were now intense; this helped her keep her mind off the disaster that was her personal life. Familiarizing herself with the costumes, sets, and props, working with the other players, and settling into the routine of the rehearsals provided a comforting distraction from the misery that enveloped her whenever she was alone. She threw herself into rehearsals with a vengeance. It helped that every day the work seemed to go better and better. With Diane, Penny once more felt confident of her interpretation. She and Diane seemed to be very much in tune with one another. And the onstage chemistry with DiCaprio seemed to be intact.

But offstage she avoided DiCaprio whenever she saw him coming. After a day and a half of this, though, he knocked on her door and entered. He looked at her uncertainly. "Penny, I think we have to talk."

Penny nodded. "Leo, there isn't really much to say. I made a terrible mistake. I don't really want to talk about it."

Leo looked morose. "I feel awful. I had no idea you were married. I would never….Anyway, if there's anything I can do, tell me. Maybe it would help for me to talk to your husband, to explain that it was a mistake all around."

Penny shook her head and sighed. "That would just make matters worse. I appreciate that you're sorry it happened. But it wasn't your fault. It was mine. I take full responsibility. The main thing, Leo, is that we have to keep our relationship in the show working the way it should. We can't let this interfere."

"You're something else," DiCaprio said. "I don't know that I could go on like you have been. I truly, truly hope I haven't done too much damage to your marriage."

Penny had no intention of talking more about the matter with him, so she just shook her head and thanked him. They continued to work together well, although they never did anything offstage. And Penny, out of an abundance of caution, tried to make sure that whenever they were together – running lines, rehearsing a scene – there was somebody else present.

Penny dreaded returning to the apartment building and running into her friends, her former friends. So she decided to remain in her dressing room long after rehearsals ended every evening, reading or working on her part, delaying the trip home until it was late enough that she would be sure not to see anyone there. On Tuesday evening, Audrey knocked and entered.

"Howdy, neighbor!" she said. "Wanna go to dinner? You seem to be on your own tonight. My Jordan's up in the Bay Area."

"Sure," Penny said, grateful for the diversion. They went to a small place a few blocks from the theater.

After twenty minutes Audrey looked at Penny. "Something wrong, Penny? You're usually so upbeat. You can tell me," she said, spreading herself around the table toward the other actor.

Penny figured it couldn't hurt to have a friend, and to confide in one. And she liked Audrey a lot. "My husband and I are separated."

"What?! You guys seemed so much in love." Penny remembered that Leonard had met Audrey when he picked her up after one of the rehearsals, and that she had gushed about him to her several times.

"We were. We are. But I did something really bad, and he couldn't take it. It was my fault." Penny was getting used to the mantra.

"What on earth?! What did you do?" Audrey asked, now curious.

"It's private, Audrey."

"Oh, OK. Well, geez, I sure hope you guys get back together. That's sad. And it has sure put a damper on your mood."

They went out to dinner together the next couple of days, too, as Jordan was still out of town. Once the two of them went out with Sarah, who played the third of Quentin's women. Sarah was older and quieter; her husband was a graphic designer who also traveled a lot on business. Penny knew the dinners were not random, and she understood that Audrey felt Penny needed some support. Which was true.

For, despite her attempts to focus on the play, Penny could feel herself getting more and more depressed as the week went on. She did sometimes run into Sheldon or Amy at the apartment, usually on the stairs. Sheldon glared at her, Amy looked confused; at best, they nodded perfunctorily to her and moved on. Penny tried to ask how Leonard was, but they would walk quickly away, down or upstairs. A couple of times she heard noises in the hallway and looked out her peephole, hoping it was Leonard, but it had been Howard once, Raj another time. She really wanted to see them, too, but she knew it would be just as awful as when she ran into Sheldon or Amy.

Every evening of that first week apart, Penny sent a variant of the first email to Leonard. Leonard replied to each, briefly and with his usual courtesy: he thanked her for sending it and asked if she were all right. She always replied not to mind about her, and asked how he was. He never answered.

At the end of the week, as the Friday afternoon rehearsal broke and they separated for the weekend, Audrey and Penny were walking backstage, headed to their respective and adjoining dressing rooms. Audrey looked at Penny with glint in her eye. "Pretty amazing, to be working with DiCaprio. What a gorgeous man. I'd sure let him park his shoes under my bed!"

"Audrey!" Penny said. "What about Jordan?"

"Hey, this is Leo we're talking about! Come on, especially with your part and all the scenes you do with him, don't tell me you've never even thought about it, just a little bit."

Penny's features crumbled as Audrey looked on in shock. Penny began to cry, as Audrey took her arm and pushed her quickly into Audrey's dressing room.

"Oh my God, Penny! I had no idea!" She thought a minute. "Wait. Is this why Leonard left you?"

Penny nodded, sobbing quietly on Audrey's couch.

"You told him?"

"Of course. I could never lie to him," Penny said, barely whispering.

Now Audrey was getting angry. "What did DiCaprio do to you? Did he give you that stupid "I know eyes" line? Every girl in Hollywood has heard that one. That son of a bitch! I thought he had some scruples. How could he do that, with a married woman?"

"No, no, he didn't know I was married. My ring was off, we were at rehearsal." Penny said, recovering a little. "We went out to dinner, I guess I drank too much. It was all my fault, Audrey, all. Don't blame Leo. I made the biggest mistake of my life, and now I'm paying for it."

Audrey was stunned. She thought a bit, then asked, "Do you still love Leonard?"

Penny looked at her, almost angry. "Of course! Audrey, he was the love of my life. He is the love of my life. I want to do anything I can to get him back. But so far, nothing is working. And so maybe it's over. All over. And to make things worse, all our friends are gone from my life." And she broke down again, sobbing on Audrey's couch.

"They're all taking his side?" Audrey asked, surprised.

"Of course!" she said through sobs. "His side is the right side. I'm taking his side. I'm the slut here. I'm the –"

Audrey interrupted, "Stop that! Penny, get ahold of yourself. So all your friends have deserted you?"

"Of course!" Penny repeated. "Wouldn't you?"

Audrey thought a moment. "No. You need some support. Are you still living in the same building as those friends of his?"

"Yes. And they won't even look at me. Every time I see them I feel so horrible, like such a whore."

"Baby, you're moving in with me. My roommate moved out two months ago and I didn't get another one; I don't need the money, not with this job. It's in Santa Monica, it's near the theater. We'll have fun. And I'll be with you."

Penny looked at Audrey thankfully. "Really? That would be wonderful. I don't think I could take much more of living in that apartment, anyway. It reminds me too much of Leonard."

Audrey smiled at Penny and got her purse. "Why don't we go get your stuff at your apartment, and bring it over to mine. I don't want you spending another night alone."

Again, Penny assented. And by the end of the evening, Penny was established in Audrey's second bedroom. It was a cozy place a few blocks from the ocean. Sometimes the location made Penny sad, thinking about that romantic dinner and night by the beach nearby, the evening they decided to try to start a family. It was just a month ago, but it seemed like an eternity, and in such a different state of her world. But Audrey was a wonderful and supportive friend, and watched over Penny like a hawk.


Penny could not have known, but might have imagined, that all her friends were desperately trying to find a way to improve the situation. Howard and Bernadette were the most involved, for Leonard was confiding often in the engineer. Sheldon wasn't really equipped to handle the emotional issues, and Raj simply broke down every time the topic came up. So Leonard had long talks with Howard, trying to work through his feelings. And Bernadette tried to feed Howard ideas, as she had some notion of how Penny felt.

"We have to get them to at least talk," Bernadette said. "They love each other, everybody knows that. There has to be a way to get past this."

"I don't know, Bernie. Leonard doesn't seem willing even to see Penny. He's so angry and hurt it's hard to see. It's almost like he's in physical pain. I'm not actually sure it's a good idea for him to see her. He says just thinking about her with somebody else makes him crazy."

"I guess I never would have pegged him as such a jealous guy," Bernadette said. "He seems so rational all the time. Not Sheldon rational, but normal-person rational."

"Come on, Bernie, how would you feel if I came home and said I'd just spent the night with Daisy Ridley?"

"I guess if I knew who that was, I'd be furious. More than furious. I'd throw you out in a heartbeat."

"QED. Leonard's too nice to throw Penny out, plus it was her apartment, so he left. But it's the same thing."

"Well, I think they need to try to talk it out. At least once."

"OK," Howard said. "I'll talk to Leonard. And if he's amenable, you can tell Penny."

That Sunday, the intermediaries having succeeded, Penny drove from Audrey's place to Leonard's new address in Pasadena. She was particularly nervous, for reasons she had no intention of telling him about. She parked and looked at the pleasant-looking apartment building, newer and a bit fancier than their old one.

Penny buzzed and went in, then knocked on the apartment door. Leonard answered, looking very serious. Penny started to try to hug him, but it was clear he would not hug back, so she stood there, arms useless at her sides. She walked in and looked around. It was a very nice apartment. There was a living room area off to the left with a couch, a coffee table, and two armchairs, with a sliding-glass door that opened to a small patio. There was a dining alcove off to the right, and she noted that the table and chairs were the same style as the one she had helped Leonard pick out for Apartment 4A. Leonard had decorated it simply but tastefully. She felt incredibly proud of him.

"Leonard, this place is beautiful. You did it yourself?"

"I spent some time looking through magazines until I found what I liked, then went to Ikea and some other places. I'm glad you like it. I kept thinking about you as I picked things out, whether you'd approve. I know that's silly."

Penny felt a tear developing, and cursed herself. She so wanted not to cry. She knew that crying would only make things more difficult. She cleared her throat. "It's not silly. It's…sweet. It makes me feel a little better. Like maybe you think about me sometimes."

Leonard looked at her strangely. "Penny, I think about you all the time. Without stop. When I should be working. When I should be sleeping."

Penny felt the tears multiply, and looked around for something to distract her, and him. "Maybe we could sit?"

"Oh, sorry, of course." And Leonard led them to the living room area. He took one armchair and gestured at her to take the other, facing him across the wooden coffee table. She couldn't help but notice that he didn't have her sit on the couch with him.

Penny knew it was up to her to begin. She had thought long and hard on this. "Leonard, I don't know what I can say that I haven't said in those emails. But I want to say it again. I did a terrible, terrible thing. I'm not even sure why. But it was the biggest mistake of my life. That's not an exaggeration. It was. Because my life is with you. It has been with you for ten years, and it is meant to be with you forever. Putting that in jeopardy is the last thing I ever wanted to do."

Leonard nodded, but said nothing.

"I know it will be incredibly hard for you to ever trust me again. But I hope you can keep something of an open mind. A willingness to try. I know how much I've hurt you. Believe me, I have been suffering for this ever since it happened. Not," she hastened to add, "anything like what you've been suffering, I'm sure. But I can't forgive myself. And if I can't forgive myself, why should you forgive me? So I'm not asking for forgiveness. All I'm asking is for you to give me a chance to prove that I'm not hopeless. That there is hope for me. For us. Please." She ended with more of a pleading tone than she had meant. He had to want it, too. She wanted him to want it, for his own sake.

Leonard sat, looking miserable, staring at the floor. It reminded her of when she had met him. Had she destroyed his self-confidence so completely? She caught her breath to think that she had not only hurt him so badly, but thrown him back into a morass of self-doubt. She had to say something.

"Leonard, I don't want you to think that this had anything to do with you. You're the most wonderful man I've ever known. Nobody can compete with you for brains – I don't care what Sheldon says – for sensitivity, for generosity, for kindness. I meant what I said, what I've said so many times: you're the love of my life, my soulmate. That will be true no matter what. No matter whether you take me back or not."

He looked up now, and the suffering in his eyes and on his face was so intense that Penny gasped. Finally, Leonard spoke. "Penny, you know how much I love you. How long I've loved you. I want nothing more than to be able to forget this, to move past it."

Penny smiled, "Me too, honey. Any way we can, any way you want."

He shook his head. "But I can't. Every time I think about you, every time I try to think about you and me together, my mind is overwhelmed with visions of you with another man. When you walked in and started to hug me, immediately my mind filled with thoughts of whether you hugged him, how you held him."

Penny felt her chest constrict, making it hard to breathe. This was worse than she had expected. She had imagined anger, even hatred. But this was pure pain. She heard it in his voice, saw it in his eyes. And his pain bored into her with such force that she didn't know if she could stand it.

Leonard saw how white she had become. "Do you need some water? Some wine?"

Penny nodded. "Water, please," she was able to whisper. "No wine. I'm not drinking any more. Not since…then."

Leonard got up and brought her a glass of water.

Penny took a deep breath. "Leonard, that's so terrible. I can't even imagine how hard it must be. Whatever I can do, I will. If you want me to answer questions, I will, if that will help. Anything. Anything, baby. Please."

Leonard shook his head again. "Penny, the feelings are too strong. My imagination runs wild, and it all feeds into my own feelings of insecurity in ways that aren't healthy. Like was he better than me, why was he better than me, why did you go to him?"

Penny started sobbing, "I'm so sorry, I'm sorry. I told myself I wouldn't cry but I can't help it. Don't say those things, baby, don't even think them. Nobody is better than you, you're the best ever, it has nothing to do with anything like that."

But he was still shaking his head. "And my mind is full of thoughts. Terrible thoughts. Thoughts that disgust me, that dishonor you. Thoughts I never want to think, thoughts that make me crazy."

"What thoughts, Leonard?" Penny asked. "Let me try to help, let me try to take some of the pain away."

Leonard looked at her, and the pain in his eyes just grew until she couldn't stand it. Finally he said, very quietly, "Thoughts like these, Penny. Did he make you come? How many times did he make you come? How many times did you make him come? Did you look into his eyes when you came? Did you say his name when you came? Did you go down on him? Did he go down on you? Did you sleep in his arms? Did you wake up in his arms? Did you think about me at any time during that night?"

Penny sat, paralyzed with shock and horror, then shuddered and practically screamed with shame and self-loathing, "Oh God, oh God, please Leonard, no. Don't even say those things. Never say those things. Oh, I hate myself so much. I'm a slut, I'm a whore. I deserve to die." And she slid off the armchair onto her knees, collapsing onto the coffee table that separated them, her body convulsed with pain and sobs.

Leonard sat uncomfortably, then slowly walked over to where Penny lay, crumpled, between the armchair and the coffee table. He knelt down and stroked her hair gently.

"Penny, I'm not telling you this to hurt you. And you shouldn't hate yourself. Never hate yourself. I love you; that should tell you something, right? You're a good person who made a mistake. What happened, happened. I'm telling you this to try to explain why I can't see you. Why we can't meet to talk about this. It doesn't help. You see what happens? Maybe my mind will clear. Maybe I'll figure it all out. I hope so. I want to be able to see you again. I want to be able to talk to you. But right now, I can't."

Penny looked up at him. Even now, even here, he was so gentle and caring. His eyes were filled with pain, but also with compassion for her. And she realized that he was right. Being together now was not an option. Perhaps it never would be again.