A/N: My apologies for making everyone wait for this chapter. As always, everyone has my love and my thanks for continuing to put up with this journey I'm taking you on. I hope you enjoy! (And yes, I'm still behind on replies, but they will come asap.)
Note: This chapter picks up a little bit after chapter 6 ended.
Where we left off:
"Then let's do that. Leave the boxes for another time."
Castle dips his head, drawing her mouth to meet his, thus sealing the bargain with one hell of a kiss. She's on her feet a moment later, using his pockets to tug him into his bedroom. After a quick sidestep to kick the toy against the trashcan, he tugs his bedroom door shut, pulling her against him firmly.
It's not talking, not exactly, but she'll make sure he has no complaints tonight.
"Where should we go for our honeymoon?"
His fingers trail over her bare back, drawing semi-abstract patterns and the occasional scribble that may actually be their initials and hearts. In her sleepy state, she's not quite sure. Maybe she should start taking vitamins or energy supplements. Something to help counteract the overwhelming exhaustion she feels after their more rigorous couplings.
"Mmm?" Forming actual words takes effort, but he seems to know what she means.
"Honeymoon, Beckett. A trip traditionally taken by newlyweds soon after joining in matrimony. Typically characterized by beaches that aren't seen for a few days and a luxury hotel room at the very least."
Rolling her eyes doesn't work quite as well when her eyelids won't stay up long enough to complete the action, but she gives it a shot anyway. "Yes, Castle, I am aware what a honeymoon is."
"Uh huh," he hums, drawing another nonsensical figure along her spine. "So where would you like to go?"
"Somewhere warm," springs off the tip of her tongue. "But I don't think I can go any time soon."
"Oh." His breath ruffles her hair. He's disappointed; she can tell just from that single puffed syllable.
"But hey," she adds, forcing her eyes open and dragging her tired body up to rest on her elbow. "I'll find out how much vacation time I have left, okay? Maybe they didn't use it all over the summer."
She'd never really bothered to ask how much of her leave was counted as disability and how much was paid vacation time, but she'll ask for him. For them. They deserve a honeymoon, quickie marriage or no. They deserve to be able to jet set off somewhere and live in their own little world for a while.
Her lips brush his cheek. "But if I only have a little left or if I can get a day or two in a row… maybe we can go to your place in the Hamptons? Minimize our travel time; maximize our time spent not seeing the beach?"
"We can go to the Hamptons anytime," he grumbles, palm flattening against the small of her back. "Don't you want to go somewhere we've never been?"
"You know, technically, I've never been there. But I'd like to."
His brow furrows slightly. "You would?"
"I would," she confirms, tapping her finger against his collarbone for emphasis. "You even invited me once," she adds.
"I did do that." His eyes widen.
"I was late saying yes…" This time her finger starts absently tracing their initials on his skin. RC first, KB a few seconds later, and finally a girlish KC she's not sure he even catches. "But I wanted to. And I was so angry with myself, and with you, because I was too late."
It's the first time she's told anyone other than Lanie what happened two summers ago. Strangely enough, it feels good telling him. Freeing. Like there's one less brick between them.
That's something she's trying to work on. Talking to him, telling him this stuff. Any stuff. Whatever it takes to head off the late night meltdowns and show him she's not always running scared.
Her hand slides down, pressing against his heart firmly.
"M'sorry I was too late. Think we can have a do over?" She kisses his chest, looking up from under her lashes. "If not as our honeymoon, as another trip?"
"I, yes, of course we can. Yes. But I thought… you had other plans back then."
She hides her wince in his chest. "I kind of…changed them indefinitely. And I started to tell you that, but-"
His breath hitches as the pieces finally fall into place. "But then Gi-"
"Yeah," she interrupts before he can finish the thought. "Then that."
"I'm sorry, Kate." His frown deepens at the thought of their missed opportunity, at what it could've been if she'd been more direct, instead of flat out telling him it'd never happen only to expect it to happen anyway.
"Me, too." Stretching up, she kisses him softly. "So maybe we can have our do over with what time I have left for the year, and then when we have more time to play with, we can plan something bigger? To go along with the actual wedding we promised everyone?"
His thumb smudges across her cheek. "I like that idea quite a bit, Mrs. Castle."
Now he's smiling so she is, too. The past is in the past, finally. Now they're moving ahead.
Their mouths collide again, nipping a bit more this time. "You know if you keep calling me that in private, one day you're going to slip up in public. Probably in front of Gates."
Castle's laugh is deep, cocky, and his hands steady her hips as she straddles him. Most of her earlier fatigue has fled for the time being, leaving her body singing for him again.
"And that," she hums, dipping to trace his Adam's apple with her tongue. "Would be just our luck."
His fingers curl around her thigh, stroking idly. She shivers, arching in to his hand, urging him to move it higher. Instead, he traces the same patterns and shapes he doodled on her back, content with gentle teases.
"You managed to tell Lanie in time. We got one in without being caught."
Her hips rock into his hand, seeking greater contact. Come on, Castle.
"Barely. If she and Espo were still talking, he would've screwed it all up." Her mouth slides across his neck. He arches under her, his groan vibrating through his skin and across her lips.
"Wife, no offense, but don't talk about Esposito or Gates while your mouth is there and the rest of you is doing that."
She giggles in response, smoothing her hand over his chest. As if talk of the people in their lives could dampen his libido.
"Then you, husband, don't mention Lanie while your hand is there."
The upturn of his lips lets her know he is absolutely up to no good, but she's going to love it anyway.
"Why don't we stop talking about other people altogether?" he suggests, curling his fingers just right.
A breathy gasp from her seems to be agreement enough for him.
From then on, the only words they utter are about each other and for each other's ears only. Well, each other and maybe her neighbors, the poor people. Thank God they're not at the loft tonight.
"Kate, where are you?"
Something about his tone penetrates the roaring in her ears. He sounds scared, worried. For her? Why is he worried about her?
Vaguely she remembers her phone ringing a few dozen times since leaving the precinct, but it's… most of it's a blur. Were all those calls him?
"Cassle?" Is that her voice?
"Beckett, I've been calling you for hours. Are you okay? You said you were heading home, but you're not home. Where are you?"
Home. She's… no, she's at her place. Not home. The loft's home now. Castle is home.
"Cassle, I'm…can you come?" She's not okay. They've been doing so well, she's been doing so well. She promised to check on her time off to get them something resembling a honeymoon. And now this case. This sniper.
"Where, Kate? Tell me where. I'll be right there."
"My place. M'at my place."
"I'm on my way, stay put."
She nods, despite the fact that he can't see her. A flash from outside has her backing deeper into the corner. Her hip bumps her gun. She must've dropped it when she realized her phone was ringing.
"Kate?"
"M'here. M'stayin'. M'stayin' with you," she promises, echoing his words from May. "M'staying."
Castle exhales. "Good, Kate, that's good. Just keep talking to me. Just keep talking. What happened?"
Dropping her head to her knee, she does her best to remember the last few hours. Her words come out in stilted, probably unrecognizable sentences. Castle's replies are soft, encouraging, even if they sound more like nonsense to her. They might actually be nonsense, but they help.
"I'm almost there, Kate, I'm almost there. Is your door locked?"
"Uh huh… chain, too, I think." She vaguely remembers the jingle of the chain as she stumbled inside.
Her husband hums soothingly in her ear. "I'll let you know when I'm at the door."
"Kay, okay." She presses the heel of her hand against her eye, trying to banish the panic. He's coming, he'll be here. "Thank you."
"Husband, Kate. It's all part of the job description."
Exhaling shakily, she whispers her thanks again. This isn't part of the job description. Not for a husband, not for a partner.
"You're safe, Beckett. You're safe," he assures, ignoring her gratitude.
Part of her wonders why he's panting. Is he running? Has he been running this whole time?
"I'm coming up the stairs now. Can you meet me?"
"Y-yeah, yeah I can." She almost sounds normal now, almost. "I'll come now."
She staggers to her feet, legs shaking with the effort. The short walk to the door feels like it takes forever, but she makes it, waiting until Castle's distinctive knock sounds to fumble with the door chain.
He reaches for her automatically, dragging her into him. Not that she protests at all. She sinks into his chest, barely recognizing the strangled sound that comes from her lips.
"You're okay, you're okay," he chants, relief infusing every syllable. "You're okay, honey, you're okay."
When he starts to step back, her fingers grip his shirt to keep him from pulling away. Her knees won't hold her if he goes, she knows that much.
"Notyet."
Castle nods, banding his arm around her tighter. He takes her weight without protest, lets her sag against him as his mouth slides against her temple and down her cheek.
"Beckett, you're bleeding."
He must be looking her over. She remembers the sting, but not exactly what caused it.
"I," she fumbles. "I think I cut my arm."
His large hand warms the back of her head. "We gotta clean it. You might need stitches."
"No hospitals, Castle. I can't… no hospitals. No hospitals, no doctors, please."
It's obviously not what he wants to hear, but he nods. "No hospitals. You know if you wanted to play doctor with me, Beckett, all you had to do was ask. My way would be a lot more fun and involve fewer actual injuries." His voice shakes a little with the feeble attempt at a joke.
God, she has to pull it together for him.
"We can play it your way next time, Castle," she croaks, pressing her face against him.
"Good. It's way, way, more fun. Plus, you'd make scrubs look so, so hot."
Somehow he always does this; he always manages to fortify her when she's unable to do it for herself. Her lips find his jaw and she's able to center herself with his scent.
"Bathroom, first aid kit's in the bathroom." With each deep breath she takes, her thoughts come clearer.
Castle nods, leading her away from her door steadily. He's being so careful with her. Lights go on as they walk, bathing her apartment in warmth she'd denied herself earlier.
"Kate," he breathes. "This place..."
He's right; it looks like something exploded in her living room. Everything's askew. Her normally orderly throw pillows are half on the floor. They're in good company with the lamp. She remembers knocking that over.
"Stay here, you're barefoot and there's glass everywhere. I'll clean this up quickly and then clean you up."
"No! No. Just… we'll walk slowly. It'll be fine. Don't go." She's dangerously close to begging, but the thought of being left in the middle of this chaos honestly terrifies her.
"Okay, okay, Kate. Okay. Then stand on my feet and I'll walk for both of us."
As if he isn't already walking for the both of them. Still, she steps up carefully, wrapping one arm around his neck. They're nearly nose to nose this way and she takes the opportunity to kiss him.
It's a little desperate – sloppy, wet – and her nails bite into his shirt collar, but he doesn't complain. He matches each kiss, each movement, every flick of her tongue and quiet groan. He was so worried for her; he needs this, too.
Somehow he manages to walk them both into her bedroom and kiss her at the same time. Her husband is nothing if not multitalented.
This time when he releases her, it's to lower her onto her bed. He takes a great deal more care than she might have; if it'd been left up to her, she probably would be in an undignified heap. Thankfully, she sways but she doesn't fall.
Castle's thumbs swipe her cheeks, wiping away the remnants of tears. "You're okay, honey."
It's the second time the term of endearment has spilled from his mouth. Surprisingly, she likes it.
"Yeah," she breathes, letting the last of the fight leave her. They're safe. Here in this room, together, they're safe. The blinds are closed; they're okay now.
Still, she flinches when he flicks the light on to inspect the wound on her arm. He doesn't comment, but he does cradle her hand, pressing the back of it against his chest so she can feel his heartbeat as he studies the damage.
"What's the diagnosis, Dr. Castle?"
"I'll clean it out and see, but think you're going to get by with just butterfly bandages."
His mouth touches her knuckles. "There's your local kissesthesia."
Oh he's a dork. Her sweet, good-hearted dork. She smiles for him, dipping forward to take another slow kiss from his lips. He pulls away all too soon, rubbing his nose against hers.
"I'll be right back, okay?"
"Kay," she agrees, keeping his hand until distance dictates letting go. "Under the sink, Castle."
Somehow he manages to stay where she can see him the entire time he's rifling through the first aid kit. Any other time and she might tease him about it, but he knows exactly what she needs tonight.
Him. She needs him.
He patches her up with efficient, practiced hands. She wonders how much of his experience comes from patching Alexis up and how much of it comes from patching himself up after one of the crazy "research" schemes his daughter has told her about over dinner lately.
"Probably a third was Alexis and the rest me," he answers her unspoken question with a quirk of his lips. "Maybe once or twice was Mother after a rehearsal or fellow diva incident."
She smiles. "You're good at it."
His head dips. "Thanks."
It's not exactly the playing doctor experience she would've liked to have with her husband, but maybe sometime soon they'll rectify that.
"Kate?" He secures the bandage around her wrist gently, pressing their palms together to steady the soft trembles running through her fingers.
"Yeah?"
"Let me take you home, please?"
"Castle, I'm fine," she protests softly. They don't need to see her like this at home.
"All the more reason to come home, then. I'll come back here tomorrow while you're at work and clean up. Let's just go home and get some sleep. If anyone's still up when we get there, I'll keep them occupied."
She won't sleep, she knows, but she's out of excuses to hide here and keep the others at bay. She doesn't want to keep him from home either.
"Okay. Take me home."
He helps her up, rubbing her back gingerly. "Taking you home."
She doesn't sleep, not really. Nightmares keep her up. Each time she wakes, Castle's there brushing her sweaty hair off her forehead and whispering comfort to her.
At one point, she wakes gripping his arm, hushed apologies for lying taking up the space between them. He asks what she's lying about, but the explanations die on her tongue as she drifts off again. It's the longest stretch of sleep she actually gets.
She knows he worries for her all night and most of the day, too. He keeps his distance at work; staying close by without being overbearing, only to claim his place by her side once the ordeal ends. Gates has given her a wide berth today, so she takes advantage of it to touch his hand.
"Come somewhere with me?"
He agrees without a second thought, jumping to his feet and gesturing for her to go ahead. To lead him wherever she needs him.
"Where are we going?" He only asks once, as they slide into her cruiser in tandem. When she says he'll see, he just nods, dropping his hand to brush her thigh as she drives.
She has no idea where he was expecting her to take him, but he looks honestly surprised when she finds a parking spot along the curb in front of a reasonably non-descript office building.
"I have an appointment with someone; I want you to come with me?" She hates how it sounds like a question.
His hand covers hers, the wedding ring he hasn't taken off – not even in the precinct – since she slid it onto his finger pressing against her knuckles. "Then let's go, Kate."
Their fingers stay loosely wrapped together on the way into the building. She knows he's curious, but his gaze remains steady. He doesn't look around, doesn't try to decide where they are based on a directory posted by the front desk, he just follows her. If he's surprised when she wraps her arms around his waist and leans into him once the elevator doors close, he doesn't show it.
Exhaustion has her head tucking under his chin and her eyes sliding shut. He's so steady, so wonderfully steady. She wants to stay right here, tucked against him. It's a short elevator ride; they don't have much time to cuddle like this, but this is nice for right now.
Castle rubs her back slowly, dipping his fingers under her jacket and shirt to press against her skin.
She pulls away when the elevator stops, pressing a kiss to his jaw. His hand reaches for hers, offering silent support for whatever she's about to show him.
The office door looms at the end of the hall, but she tugs him forward before she can lose her nerve. She's actually on time for her appointment this time; hopefully they won't wait long.
Dr. Burke's receptionist greets her with a pleasant smile. She likes this woman. She's friendly without being over the top, which is probably what this business needs.
"Kate Beckett. I have the um, 5:45 appointment."
"He's finishing up with his last appointment, but he'll be ready for you in a moment."
"Thanks."
Turning back to her husband, she finds him looking around thoughtfully.
"Beckett… is this your …" he trails off, looking around. "Is this your gynecologist?" he whispers, eyes wide. "Because I know we didn't really talk about things, but… were we not careful? Are you – why are you laughing?"
She thumbs his cheek. "No, no I'm not and this isn't my gynecologist, Castle. But it's very sweet of you to worry. This is a different appointment, though."
"Oh."
Pressing a kiss to his cheek, she hums. "Trust me, when that does happen, your ass will be beside me in the exam room."
He lights up at that, at the subtle confirmation that one day they will get there.
"My ass and I will be there with bells on."
"Your ass?" she hums, glancing down at his belt teasingly. "Or something else?"
"Oh you are dirty, Beckett. I mean I can be into that if you're into that. Are you into that?" His eyebrows wiggle.
Not for the first time, she's glad she tugged him into the corner of the room to wait. There's no reason someone else should hear this conversation.
"Might be festive."
Castle nods sagely. "Christmas is coming up."
She snickers, pressing her face into his shoulder. "It is, isn't it? Should that be your present to me?"
"Bells on my –"
"Kate?"
Saved by the doc. She shushes her husband quickly before nodding at Dr. Burke.
"Come on, Castle." Her fingers clench in his sleeve. "I want to introduce you."
Castle nods, all playfulness gone from his face. He knows what it's taken for her to bring him here. Even if he hasn't figured out exactly what kind of appointment this is (she'd be surprised if that's the case), he knows what it takes to open up like this.
"Hi," she greets Burke quietly.
"How are you doing today, Kate?"
"I'm," she pauses, looking at Castle. Poor man, he looks like he's holding his breath, awaiting her answer. She slides her hand down his sleeve, hoping to comfort him with the gesture, if not her words. "I'm better, getting there. But that's why I wanted to introduce you. Castle, this is Dr. Burke, my therapist. Dr. Burke, this is my husband, Richard Castle."
As soon as she steps out of Burke's office, Castle's on his feet. She knows he didn't love being told he had to wait outside, but after that session, she's almost glad he wasn't there. What was said in there shouldn't have been his introduction to her therapy.
"Hey." She fixes her hair quickly, hoping her last breakdown isn't as obvious as she thinks it is. Her mascara is long gone; most of her makeup's been scrubbed away for that matter. Even her voice is a little rough.
"Hey," he echoes. She watches him lift his hands, only to let them flop at his sides, before pressing herself against his chest. He sags in relief, wrapping his arms around her tightly enough to make her wonder who's holding up who.
"Are you okay?" They ask as one. She squeezes him.
"I asked you first, Castle."
He nods rapidly. "Yeah, yeah of course I am. Are you? No offense, but you looked better before you went in there."
"You flatter me," she drawls, trying to draw the panicked look from his face.
"No, no, that's not… what I meant."
She puts him out of his misery quickly. "I know. Come on, let me settle up with Angie and we can talk on the way home."
"Kay."
He's like a statue as he waits by the door, unmoving, protective, but she finds out from Angie that he paced the entire time she was in Burke's office. Oh, Castle.
"He's concerned," she explains quietly, unsure of why she's justifying their probably screwed up looking relationship to someone who's not her actual therapist or their family. "I kind of sprang the appointment on him."
"He's sweet."
She smiles softly. "Yeah he is."
He offers her his arm when she approaches. "Alexis said she's doing dinner tonight if you're hungry." In other words, if she's up to coming home before everyone else is in bed.
"Starving." Her cheek lands on the top of his shoulder as they wait for the elevator. "Do I have clothes?"
He hums thoughtfully, thumbing her knuckles. "You should. I did laundry the other day. Plus I picked up the dry cleaning before we got this case."
"Mhmm, good. We can go straight home, then." Even if she's not up to it, Castle shouldn't have to wall himself off from his daughter to be with her. Burke has encouraged her again to surround herself with family, to brace herself with them instead of against them, so that's what she'll do.
He smiles gratefully, gesturing for her to step onto the elevator once the car arrives.
"So… you asked where I went yesterday," she offers, speaking into his shoulder. "I was here. I've been seeing Dr. Burke. He's been trying to help me. The jumpiness, the nightmares… he says I have PTSD. I didn't want to admit it at first, but… yeah, I do."
She exhales with the admission. "And there's something else I need to tell you."
Castle's mouth touches her brow. "You remember, don't you?"
There's no recrimination, no anger, just genuine concern. He's probably suspected for a while, maybe even longer than they've been sleeping together, but he isn't holding it against her. Just like she can't hold it against him for asking her to step away from the case in September at the behest of Montgomery's "friend." (He doesn't know she knows, but it's what she gets for snooping through his office one sleepless night last week. As angry as she'd been, she'd wanted to go back to bed with him and stay pressed into his side more, and so she's let it go for now.)
"Yeah," she breathes, shutting her eyes. "I remember. And I just – I'm sorry I lied to you, Rick."
His lips slide across her forehead.
"Kate, did you marry me because you felt guilty for lying?"
Her eyes fly open. "What? No! No, I wouldn't… do that to you – I wouldn't be cruel like that."
"I know." He fixes her with a serious look. "I know why you did it."
He does?
"You married me to show me you knew and to show me you do, too."
O-oh. That's… not far off at all, actually. She nods in confirmation, not trusting her voice at all. She does know he loves her; she loves him, too.
Cupping the back of his neck, she pulls him closer. "I'm trying to be better, to climb out of her murder. To be more than that."
He kisses her carefully, tongue slipping out to trace every ridge and bump on her abused lower lip. "I know. I know you are. Thank you for letting me climb with you."
A short "ahem" startles them apart. How long have they been holding the elevator?
"Sorry, we're sorry."
Castle takes charge this time, pulling her into a corner of the lobby. Before she has a chance to tease him about how illicit it all feels, he's kissing her again, holding her face like she's something precious he worries he might break. She presses closer, holding his hips to steady herself.
"I love you, Kate." Her heart hiccups at the words. She's not on the grass, she's not dying. She's right there with him, as whole as they both can be under the circumstances.
"I love you, too," she breathes, lifting her hand to cup his cheek. A giddy smile blossoms on her lips. "I love you, too."
He laughs, his eyes watery at the admission. Oh, he might have known it, but there's just something about hearing it, isn't there?
Thumbing his ear, she kisses him again, a little harder this time. "Let's take our mini-honeymoon this weekend, okay?"
