Payson stood on Times Square, watching the neon lights and the people hurrying by. She wondered how many of them had control over their lives. How many were happy? Sad? In love? She tried to focus on anything else than the chaos of feelings inside her. After years of competitive gymnastics, of walking into full arenas with the expectations of her country on her shoulders, she had never been closer to an anxiety attack than now. How could he affect her like this? Why did he make her feel like this?

Wandering the city wasn't helping at all, so she slowly made her way back to Kelly and Austin's apartment. Kelly looked strangely at her, but didn't have time to start the questioning before Austin and Becca also came home.

"You can't guess what happened today," Becca said, literarily bouncing in to the living room. "Sasha Belof is going to be our new coach. He and Richard is going to work together the rest of the year and then Sasha is going to take over."

Feeling like passing out she had to sit down on the sofa. "Wow," was all she could say. How had this happened? When had it happened? Why did he change his mind? Thousands of questions, but none made their way past Payson's lips.

"Aren't you happy," Becca asked. "He's your old coach."

"Yeah," she said, nodding slowly. "I'm very happy Becca, he's a great coach."

"He said he really liked the start of my floor routine, he want us to continue working on it on Monday afternoon."

"Hey Becca, do you wanna help me in the kitchen? I'm starving, we need food," Austin said, looking between Kelly and Payson. It looked like they were reading each other's minds.

Kelly sat down next to Payson on the sofa, so close that their legs and shoulders touched. Payson wasn't sure how much Kelly knew, how much Austin had told her. But it seemed like she knew enough to understand that Payson didn't want to talk about it yet. So they sat side by side, in silence, until Becca came and told them the food was ready.

Payson and Becca shared the guest room in Kelly and Austin's apartment. It wasn't the best arrangement, but it worked. Payson was normally a very good sleeper. If there had been an Olympics in sleeping, she would have medaled, with ease. But that was before Sasha first turned her down, and then suddenly showed up again, just to turn her down again, and now he was back and suddenly he was on board the coaching train again. She just didn't know what to do about it. What did it mean? Was it short term? Who had talked with him? With a sigh she got up. It was Saturday and she was up at five. Practice didn't start until nine, so Becca would be sleeping for a while yet. She put on workout clothes and her running shoes and got outside. Running was one of the best way to clear her mind.

"Are you coming to the gym?" Becca asked as Payson made her way out of the shower. Her legs were wobbly and she could still feel the taste of blood in her mouth. She was far from as fit as she used to be.

"Do you want me to?" Payson asked, twisting her wet hair up in a towel-turban on her head.

"Don't you need to talk with the new coach? Even if you know him?"

Of course her sister had thought further than Payson herself had. "Yeah, of course," she said. "I'll come with you."

The gym was filled with more parents than usual. The gym didn't have any kind of parents contract, like The Rock had. They weren't required to spend any more time in the gym than they wanted, the only thing that actually was required by the parents, was to pay their bills and to take turns being chaperones at competitions and camps. But this morning, as the Keeler sisters got to the gym at ten to nine, the gym was full of parents. To Payson's relief it was basically a line of people, wanting to talk to Sasha.

"I'll talk with him when everything calms down," she said to Becca. "Call on me if you need help with the floor routine." She gave her sister a quick hug before making her way up the stairs. Finding a spot up top, in the back of the bleachers, she sat down, pulling her legs up to hug her knees. She couldn't figure out if she should be happy Sasha was here, annoyed at him, angry even? This was what she wanted, right? But he had turned her down, twice. What was he doing here now? Her head was spinning.

Even though Payson tried to focus on her sister, she couldn't stop her eyes from over and over finding to the only British person in the gym. Sasha was mostly walking around the gym, talking with the girls and the parents as he went. He stopped by Becca a couple of times. She couldn't see or hear what they were talking about, but Becca looked relaxed, happy even.

What she could hear, on the other hand, were the parents around her talking. She usually tried to ignore it, she mostly found it annoying, parents trying to be experts. But today they were talking about Sasha, so she couldn't completely ignore it.

"He was an amazing coach," one woman, two rows in front of Payson said to the women next to her. "His team basically won every medal in London 2012."

"The US won four golds, one silver and two bronzes, that's hardly every medal. And all girls weren't from his gym."

"Payson Keeler was his athlete, he coached her to four golds, that makes him one of the most successful coach in American history!"

"Talking about Payson Keeler, didn't he have an inappropriate relation ship with her? Do we really want a man like that around our kids?"

"Four golds Megan!" the first woman said. "You just need to keep your girls in check, I heard it was she who had a crush on him. He wasn't suspended or anything, in the end, so it was probably a misunderstanding."

How could one stupid kiss follow them for so long? Payson sighed. She was glad to hear that the most parents seemed happy though. And amongst the girls on the floor it looked very calm and everyone seemed happy. Hopefully it would stay calm and she could stay out of everything.

Turning her gaze over at her sister again she saw that Becca was trying to get her attention. She was also pointing, discretely, at Sasha. Looking at the time she realized it was only little over half an hour left of practice. With a deep sigh she rose and headed down. The women who had previously discussed her gymnastics career and crush looked mortified as they spotted her. It was kind of fun.

Sasha was standing on the steps outside the office. She waited until he had finished talking with a woman dressed in a very short skirt. Must have been very cold getting here, Payson though. He had spotted her, but didn't do anything else than sit down on the step. Counting to three she finally put one foot in front of the other and walked over to sit down next to him. She didn't know what she felt yet. It was so complicated. She was happy, relived, hurt, wounded, lonely. The emotions just went on and on, she was too scared to really listen to her feelings, it was easier to just push them back.

"Hi," she said.

"Hi," he said and they fell silent.

"You've been busy," she said, watching her hands in her lap.

"Everyone knows the monkey, isn't that the saying?"

"I didn't mean to force you out of retirement," she finally said. "We'll be okay anyway."

"You didn't force me," he said. "I'm sorry I didn't come right away... And I should have been at the funeral. I'm sorry Payson."

Biting her lip until the lump in her throat disappeared she took a few deep breaths. "You've nothing to apologize for. I'm glad you're here. We'll always be in debt to you... I already owe you..."

"You don't owe me anything Payson."

There were already a line of people who wanted to talk to Sasha, so Payson stood. Sasha did the same. The awkwardness grew again. "I should go, let the other people talk with you," she said.

He nodded. "See you on Monday?" he asked. "Becca said you were working on the floor routine."

"Yeah, I'll be here," she said. She turned to leave, but hesitated. "I'm really glad you're here," she said again. "I've missed you."

She left before Sasha had time to answer her. In the stairs on the way up to the bleachers, the phone started vibrating in her purse. It was a number she couldn't recognize, so she walked down again and stepped out in the lobby to answer.

"Hello, I'm calling for Payson Keller."

"This is her," she said.

"Oh good. My name is Timothy Jones, I showed you the apartment you put a bid on a few days ago."

"Of course, Mr Jones," Payson said, finally recognizing the voice. "How are you?"

"I'm calling because the owner of the apartment want a quick close. So she wants to offer you the apartment."

"Oh," Payson hadn't counted on it going so quickly. "When do you need a decision?"

"Monday morning," the man said.

They ended the call and Payson remained standing in the lobby. It was a nice apartment they had put a bid on, but suddenly it all felt so real. They had sold the house and was moving somewhere else. They weren't just visiting Kelly and Austin. They had left Boulder, for good.

"Pay, can I go with Hanna and Kate today? They invited me to a girls night at Kate's place," Becca suddenly said from the doorway to the gym.

Decision, decision, would it ever end? "Are their parents here? I probably should speak with them first..." yeah, that's what their mother would have done, she was pretty sure.

.:.

Monday morning came around quickly. Instead of following Becca to the gym at seven in the morning, Payson spent an extra half an hour in front of the mirror in the bathroom. She got dressed in a grey suit, red high heel and put her hair up in a tight bun. Instead of taking the subway to the gym, she headed two stations uptown. Mr Jones was waiting on the sidewalk as she arrived.

"Good morning," he said, holding out a cup of coffee for her. She gratefully accepted and returned the greeting. "Would you like to see the apartment again before signing the papers?" Mr Jones said, waving a thin folder in the hand he wasn't holding his own coffee in.

"If you don't mind," Payson said, feeling the excitement grow. She and Becca had been there just the day before, one of Mr. Jones assistants had let them in and showed them around. Payson had loved the apartment from the beginning, that's why she had put a bid on it, but she had wanted Becca to see and like the place before deciding. Becca had loved it, so Payson was now there to sign the lease.

Walking around the apartment once again Payson knew they were doing the right thing. She signed the papers, that her former agent MJ had helped her to look over, and suddenly she was alone in the apartment, keys in her hand.

The apartment had two bedrooms and bathrooms, a nice kitchen that connected to the living room through the dining area. It was a large apartment for being in the city. It also had a small balcony, which Payson already loved. She stepped out and looked around the neighborhood. The street was full of people, restaurants and coffee shops. This was good, as good as it could be right now.

Before making her way to the gym, she walked past a furniture store and bought two beds which would be delivered the same afternoon. She also bought blankets, duvets, pillows and linens. The rest could wait until she and Becca could go shopping together.

"Wow, I keep expecting to see the 17 years old version of you," Sasha said as Payson walked inside the lobby of the gym. She was still wearing the clothes from this morning.

"I had a meeting," she said, looking down at her clothes and suddenly wishing she had changed before going to the gym. "When do you want me and Becca to work on the floor routine?" she asked.

Sasha looked up and met her eyes instead of studying her clothes. "Now is fine, they just started apparatus training. I'm trying to learn everyone's routines," he said, shaking his head. "My brain needed a slight break so I was hiding out here," he smiled a little.

Learning twenty girls' routines, on four apparatuses, couldn't be easy. Payson had trouble remembering Becca's routines. It was one thing to learn routines one was performing yourself, just watching and remembering? Difficult.

"Richard said he would work with you when you arrived, I'll come by later," Sasha said, holding up the door for her. She could hear him take a deep breath and follow her inside. She briefly wondered if he regretted coming here. But she didn't have time to ask him, because as she entered the gym she was thrown into the focused air that always surrounded gymnasts doing apparatus training.

Becca was just starting her uneven bars routine and Payson waited by the doors, watching her sister. Just as for Payson at that age, uneven bars was her sister's best event. Not until Becca landed her dismount perfectly, Payson took her shoes of and walked over to her sister.

"How did it go with the apartment?" was the first thing Becca asked as she came over.

"I signed the papers," Payson said and dangled the keys in front of her.

"We should go shopping after training," Becca said, jumping up and down as she talked.

Payson agreed, but it wasn't the time to talk about it now, she could see both Richard and Sasha studying them from across the gym. "Well, let's go work on your floor routine," Payson said, trying to sound like a coach would.

At nine o'clock the same evening Payson was exhausted. They were sitting on the floor of the empty living room, eating take away thai food. They had gotten the beds, and the boxes that Payson had sent from the old house was transferred, with their suitcases, from Kelly and Austin's apartment. But there were no other things in the apartment. During the afternoon shopping, they had forgotten to buy cutlery. It was a good thing they both knew how to eat with the chopsticks that came with the food. They might have messed up the prioritization list when they ended up looking at things like pillows, bedspreads, art and other knickknack for the apartment, instead of actual furniture.

"I'm beat," Becca sighed. "I think I'll go to bed."

Payson nodded. "I'll do the same in a minute," she said.

As Becca disappeared into her room the silence surrounded Payson. She looked around the empty living room, trying not to compare it to the old house. Getting up she cleared away the empty food containers and took a water bottle from the fridge. Walking to her room she could suddenly hear soft sobs from Becca's room. She leaned against the wall, trying to steady herself. Becca must be feeling the same as Payson herself was feeling. This was real now. They weren't just visiting Kelly and Austin. They had sold their parents house and most of the stuff. Payson had thought she would feel kind of free after the move, like some of the responsibilities had been lifted from her shoulder. And with Becca looking so happy... She sighed and realized nothing had changed, not really. They were still the orphan girls, just in NYC rather than Boulder.

She knocked on Becca's door and slowly opened it. Becca was laying in her bed, cover all the way up to her head. Payson could only see the back of her sister's head, the blond hair spread over the pillow.

"How does the new bed feel?" Payson asked.

"Very nice," Becca said, voice almost steady. If Payson hadn't heard her sister cry just minutes earlier she wouldn't have noticed anything. She silently wondered how many times she had missed her sister crying because she hadn't heard the sobs. "I should go to sleep..." Becca said.

"Sure," Payson said. "Just wanted to remind you that we need to go out for breakfast tomorrow, so we need to leave earlier than usual."

"I've set the alarm on the phone," Becca said, still her back to the door. "Good night."

"Good night Becca," she said and carefully closed the door.

The ever present lump in her throat felt larger and larger as she went into her own room and closed the door behind her. It felt like the universe punched her in the gut and pulled away the rug under her feet at the same time. Of course it wouldn't be this easy, it was stupid of Payson to believe that.

.:.

The gloom feeling seemed to follow both Payson and Becca around the following week. They went furniture shopping after Becca's training, and even if they had fun at times, it lacked the giddy feeling the first day in the new apartment had been. Payson kept following Becca to the gym every second or third day. They were still working on the floor routine, but it came together nicely. The days she didn't spend in the gym, Payson spent walking around the city. The busy streets kept her mind from wandering. Every day she visited a new lunch restaurant and spend at least an hour at a new coffee shop, reading old course literature in preparation of going back to school.

The days dragged along, but somehow, it was already Thanksgiving. Payson had been trying not to think about the holidays coming up, it was just too depressing. As she walked inside the gym she once again pushed the thoughts away. She was on her way to the bleachers when she heard her name being called out. Turning around she saw Richard waving her into the office.

"Come in Payson," he said, holding the door open for her. She felt like she was being called into the principled office. As she spotted Sasha, Austin and the two other assistant coaches it felt almost suffocating. Looking through the glass wall she saw the girls and boys training hard, spotting each other on the apparatus as their coaches were all squeezed into the office.

"What's going on?" she asked, sitting down on the chair Richard held out for her.

"We're going through the gymnast's routine for the annual Thanksgiving meet," Richard started, but before he could continue Payson straightened up in the chair.

"Thanksgiving meet?" she asked. "This weekend?"

"Oh, nobody told you?" Richard asked. "I hope you're not going away for the holiday. It's the last chance for the gymnasts to have their routines judged before Junior Nationals in just under two weeks."

"Oh, that's a good opportunity," Payson said. Turned out it was a good thing they didn't have any plans at all for the coming weekend. "We'll be here."

"Fantastic, we just wanted to know if Becca's floor routine will be done for the meet."

"I... I'm not sure," Payson said, feeling silly for not knowing. They had worked on it for weeks, and the routine itself was finished, now Becca only needed to perfect it.

"I'll help them," Sasha said, speaking up for the first time. "I can stay behind after hours. I think Becca need that routine to be sure to go to Junior worlds."

"It's decided then!" Richard said, sounding happy.

Payson rose. "I'll get Becca over to the floor at once."

Her sister was over at the vault, Payson let her finish the last vault and then waved her over to the floor in the back of the gym. Becca came running over with her water bottle in her hand.

"Did you forget to tell me about the Thanksgiving meet?" she asked, suddenly feeling very much like their mother.

"Oh, I might have, sorry," Becca said with a shrug. "Do you think I can do my floor routine?"

Payson told her sister what the coaches had said and Becca seemed happy with the decision. They got working on the routine at once.

"This brings back memories," Sasha said as the music died out and Becca came to a stop on the floor. Around them the gym was quiet and empty. It certainly woke memories to life.

"So, what do you think?" Becca asked, coming running over to them. After a full day of training, she seemed to have buckets of energy left. Payson barely remembered the feeling herself. She watched Sasha and Becca going into the details of the floor routine, her mind wandering back in time. It was difficult to understand how it had already passed five years since she had been the one out on that floor. It was such a long time, but also, no time at all.

The three of them worked together in the empty gym for an hour before they could all see that Becca had run out of energy. Payson and Becca was heading over to Kelly and Austin for an early Thanksgiving dinner, so Becca headed over to the changing room to shower and change.

The silence quickly grew uncomfortable and Payson found herself walking in slow circles on the springy floor. She felt like doing some tricks, but she hadn't even done a handstand in the five years since the Olympics. She had quit cold turkey.

"Do you ever train?" Sasha asked as if reading her mind.

Payson shook her head. "I run some, and do different classes at gyms." She fell silent.

"Don't you miss it?"

She looked up at her former coach. She didn't really know how to act around him any more. Was she supposed to behave like before? Like when he was her coach? Or like they were now equals? Or she the gym-sister and he her sister's coach? Like he was the man she owed so much she would never be able to repay him?

When she hesitated he locked eyes with her. "I'm trying to be your friend Pay, I miss it."

His blue eyes looked honest. Did he miss The Rock and being the best gym in the country, or did he miss her? Without knowing the answer, she decided to be honest anyway.

"Sometimes I miss it, gymnastics. But mostly I miss simpler times. It was all about the Olympics. No decisions, no taking care of anyone but me. It was me and gymnastics. I can miss that." she confessed.

"Everyone miss simpler times Pay, it's part of growing up."

Payson nodded slowly, she guessed he was right. She looked away from him. To erase the picture of his blue eyes that was all she could see, she kicked of the floor and went up into handstand. It might not feel like before, but she could at least do it.

"You're not flexing your feet," Sasha said, and suddenly she could feel his hands on her ankles. The electricity between them were still there, just like she remembered. When their skin came in contact with each other her heart skipped a beat. He let go and she stood back up. His smile looked like it always had done and made her breath hitch.

She understood the awkwardness now. The difficulty to face him, not knowing how to treat him. It was so clear she felt stupid. She had always assumed her crush would disappear with time, she even thought it had. Now she knew better. It had been laying dormant, like an inactive virus. Because as she looked up at him. The man with the british accent, the blue eyes, the short blond hair and stubble on his face. She knew, she was still crushing on him. She was still in love with him.

A/N: Thank you all so much for all the reviews, you have no idea how much it means to me. I hope this chapter, at least somewhat, explains Payson's behavior. I believe that if you're feeling very strong negative feelings/emotions (sorrow, guilt) it makes it difficult to feel anything else. But now she's figured it out. It wont all be sunshine from now on, but it's moving in the right direction.

Tomorrow I'm going on a short vacation. My younger brother is graduating high school and I won't be back home until Sunday. I wont be able to post any chapters because I'm only bringing my iPad (haven't figured out how to post from my iPad). I'll be focusing on writing instead. Hopefully I'll have the next chapter up soon after I come home.