So for those of you who read both my stories, two updates in one day, I'm super proud of myself. This has been a really great experience writing this story. I loved all the feedback, the gushing praise, and the thoughtful constructive criticism. I received a lot of guesses as to what Elena was afraid of, and in a way, you're all right. I try to address that in the second paragraph. With Damon and Elena, it is never just one thing. There is a culmination of reasons for all that they do, but I wanted to really take this story full circle to the very beginning of the series. In doing that I chose one reason, not for why she pushed him away all those times, but for why it took her so long to admit that she had feelings for Damon. I hope that you all enjoy the conclusion to this story, and please leave any comments that you have in a review. I cherish every single one.
Equal parts joy and dread summarize my feelings as I complete the final steps towards the boardinghouse's door. I'm not in the dark anymore. I'm finally free to make my own choices knowing all the facts, but I'm reminded of the old adage ignorance is bliss. If only someone could whack me over the head with a shovel, so I lose some of my short term memory, because right now I'd rather be anywhere else.
I've dreaded this day for longer than I realized. Before I could even give voice or words to my fear, it was always there, from the very beginning. It wasn't the only one. There were others, too many to count. I had a thousand fears to rationalize pushing Damon away, fear of hurting Stefan, of taking a risk, of growing up, of Damon's unpredictability, of giving up on the idea of a normal life, and fear of facing myself for all that I am, faults and all. But these were all the reasons that I chose not to be in a relationship with Damon, they weren't why I couldn't tell him that I had feelings for him. There was only one reason for that.
I don't even need to knock, before the door swings open and an anxious looking Damon ushers me inside.
"You came back." Damon whispers. His words covered in fear and anxiety, desperately trying to read my carefully controlled face for clues on what I'm about to say.
"Didn't think you could get rid of me that easy did you?" I ask kiddingly, hoping to put off the inevitable. My attempt at a smile fails miserably, and I realize the elephant in the room isn't getting any smaller.
"You don't look happy," Damon observes, worried by my demeanor. "This isn't the part where you break up with me is it, because I don't think you're allowed to if we were never officially dating? Plus given your track record, coming here to break my heart would be way too predictable. " Damon tries to brush off his anxiety by making a pitiful attempt at a joke. His voice cracks as he begs, "So please, tell me something unpredictable."
"I didn't come here to break you," I admit honestly, not that my intentions matter much now. I take a deep breath to calm my nerves and I remind myself to be brave for him. Damon deserves the truth. That is the very least that I owe him.
"Among other things, I came here to tell you that I love you." I confess without a bit of regret. Damon's face lights up brighter than any star in the sky, and I struggle to remember what is left of my speech, but somehow the words come out.
"I wish it hadn't taken me so long to say the words I have felt every day for months. Now that they're out, I never want to stop saying them. Damon Salvatore, I love you so much, for a million reasons. I love you for being strong enough to make the decisions that others are too weak to. I love you for fighting so hard against your own hurt and your own tragedies to feel again, because you think the very act of loving me is worth the pain. I love you for challenging me and questioning me either because you want to save my life or because you want to make me better. I love you for seeing not just the best parts, but the worst parts of who I am and loving me anyway. But mostly, I love you for letting me see the beauty of your heart, because it is bigger and purer than any I've ever known before."
Such joy and love, I've never truly known until I look upon Damon's face. I finally realize what I meant when I told Stefan that I didn't know what love truly was. It wasn't that I didn't love Stefan. It was that in loving him, I only saw a piece of what love truly was. But in loving Damon, I saw what it meant to truly offer yourself to another person. Damon's eyes were filled with happy tears, and I don't know if I have ever felt so truly adored in my life.
"I don't know if anyone has ever told you this before, but you make the best speeches." Damon remarks gleefully.
"I've had a lot of practice lately." I respond, thinking back to the past few days of apologies and arguments and conversations. I want to join Damon in his celebrating and in his happiness, but the grim reminder of why else I came is nagging my inner thoughts. Damon sees the conflict in my eyes. He grows concerned and starts stroking my cheek in a sign of comfort.
"This is supposed to be the happy part, where we declare our love and kiss passionately, so why do you still look sad?" Damon asks, suddenly fearful again, and I hate myself for wiping that joyful look off his face.
"Because I know what I was so afraid of all this time." I confess to Damon's absolute terror. He can feel it, the shift in the air. He feels me slipping away, and he tries so hard to hold on tighter.
"What is it, because whatever it is, we can fix it? I can fix it," Damon swears desperately. "You said so yourself, we make each other better. I can be better for you." I quiet his pleas by placing my hand over his mouth, unable to take another word.
"No, Damon, this isn't because of something you did or didn't do. You never needed to be more than exactly who you are. This isn't about you, and it isn't about me," I assure him, hoping this will bring him some bit of comfort.
"Is it about Stefan then?" Damon asks confused and hurt by this new round of rejection. "Because if you're worried about hurting him, I think that ship has sailed. I know you want us all to get through this unscathed, but do you realize, right now you're killing me?"
"It's not about hurting Stefan." I promise softly. My words only seem to be confusing him further. Damon looks lost and bewildered by my actions, searching for some meaning, some explanation to help him understand.
"Then what, after everything that we have been through, after the remarkably painful journey that led us here, what else is holding you back?" Damon questions, begging with me to put him out of his misery.
"Caroline said that my fear was the nagging thought in my brain that wouldn't go away," I begin miserably. "It has been there from the very first moment that I met you right here on this spot. I tried to tell you once why we could never be together, and there is a part of me that is so grateful that you didn't listen." Damon snaps back quickly before I can continue.
"If the words it will always be Stefan are about to leave your mouth, could you please just find the nearest pointy wooden object and kill me now, because I can't bear to hear them again."
"No, it's not Stefan," I answer truthfully. "It hasn't been for a really long time. It's what I've been trying to tell you this whole time. I said once that I wouldn't come between you two and I meant it. Nothing is more important than the bond of family, and I love you too much to cost you your own." Realization dawns on his face, and for just a moment he appears too shocked for words.
"My relationship with Stefan has nothing to do with you and me." Damon claims angrily, after he recovers, resentful that his brother is still coming between us.
"It has everything to do with you and me," I bark back at him. "It always has. It was never just two people in this relationship. It was always the three of us. I saw it that first day when we met, by the look of rage in Stefan's eyes. Katherine's love tore you both apart and in the past year, it has been my greatest wish to fix what she had broken. I like to think that I have, that through loving me and trying to save me, you and Stefan found common ground for the first time since you were human. Destroying that tentative bond between you both is something that I can't live with. I knew. In the back of my head, I knew that admitting my feelings for you would lead us here to this moment, when I would have to let you go, and I was scared that the pain of it all would crush me."
Over a year of denial and the truth is finally out. I just wish it made me feel better. I wish that it didn't have to end this way. Damon isn't the type to see when there's no point in fighting anymore. He is someone who I picture going down fighting to the very last breath, and he loves just like he fights, tirelessly and unwaveringly.
"You don't have to let me go," Damon claims hopefully. "Stefan and I have survived so much together. He's hated me and I've hated him, but we always find our way back. We will again, and even if it takes a few decades of anger and resentment, I think it's worth it. I would choose you. I will always choose you." Those familiar words are like a dagger to my heart. I remember the way I felt when he first spoke them. I was too afraid of what they meant then, and I'm just sad about what they mean now.
"I know that," I admit despondently. "God, don't you think I know that? But I can't let you, not this time."
"How is this fair?" Damon asks still riled up and looking for any hole in my argument. "For almost a year, I watched you with my brother. I loved you from the outside looking in, all the while knowing that I could never have you. How is this any different? How could mine and Stefan's relationship not only survive but thrive in that time, when you say that it will be destroyed with the two of us being together?" Damon makes a rational and reasonable argument, but he too quickly forgets that he and Stefan are not the same.
"Do you honestly think that Stefan has the strength to do what you did?" I question him calmly. "It took everything in you to stand idly by and watch me be with him. I saw it, every look, every pained gaze, and it tore me up inside. I can only imagine what it was doing to you. Stefan isn't strong enough for that. He's not strong enough to watch us holding hands at the grill or making out in your room. Our love would tear him apart. Us being together would cost you your brother, and I think you knew that all along." Damon just stands there silently covered in guilt. Guilt he feels for loving me, for choosing me, and for hurting his brother.
"It doesn't have to be that way." I hear a voice ring out in the silence. Damon and I turn around to see Stefan staring back at us, clearly having heard our conversation.
"Stefan," I try to respond feebly.
"You really think I'm that weak?" Stefan asks, not even giving me a chance to make up some lame apology for all this.
"Not weak," I answer sincerely, "just human." Stefan smirks sadly at my reply.
"Ironic, since I'm not," Stefan states, "but you're right, I can't just watch you two be blissfully happy together. It would be too cruel after all that we shared, but I can't watch you two be miserable without each other either. I love you both too much for that."
Stefan outlines our problem in a nutshell. He's too honorable to knowingly let his own brother suffer because he can't accept us as a couple. But he's not strong enough to step aside and watch us be happy together, like Damon did so many times for him.
"What other choices do we have?" I ask hopelessly, not truly expecting a solution.
"I'm going to leave town for a while. I started packing once I overheard the first part of your conversation. I already texted everyone let them know that I'm going." My mouth flies open at Stefan's words. Whatever we shared together, however it ended, I didn't mean to chase him away.
"Stefan," I call out, begging him to listen, "I never wanted you to leave." He lets out a heavy sigh, trying to fight the pull that I still have over him.
"It's not forever," he promises. "Just until it hurts a little less or maybe until I fall in love again, whichever comes first." Damon interrupts the conversation for the first time to interject his opinion.
"Let's not be overdramatic with the bags and the tearful goodbyes. You're not leaving," Damon responds almost like a command. Stefan smiles a little in appreciation at his older brother's attempts to keep him home.
"I have to brother," Stefan claims sadly. "This time I really have to, because if I don't, I'm going to grow angry and resentful and I'm going to start hating you all over again. I don't want to feel that way. I don't want to hate my big brother for the rest of eternity. So I'm going to leave, possibly for a year or a decade, and when I get back, things are going to be different. We're going to stop pretending. No more acting like we hate each other or only tolerate each other. When I come home again, we're gonna give this brother thing a real shot. There may even be hugging involved," Stefan jokes, trying to lighten the moment.
"Stefan," is all Damon says, unsure what to do or how to act.
"Don't," Stefan begs, "don't come up with a witty comment or a sarcastic remark. I'm trying to do a decent thing, and not because I'm a martyr or because I want everyone to think I'm a good person, but because I finally realized that I got what I always wanted. When I first came to this town, I would've given anything for you to find your humanity again, for you to be my big brother again. If loving her is what it takes to bring back the man I used to know, then I can live with that. You lost yourself once, because you thought no one in the world truly loved you, but I did. I never stopped, not for one day, not for one second, not even when I hated you. Never forget brother that you are loved more fiercely than you know, and not just by me." Damon is left speechless by the outpouring of brotherly emotion, and he surprises Stefan and himself by grabbing his younger brother into a long overdue hug.
"We're out of practice. I thought we might be rusty," Damon offers as an excuse. "Stefan, I, I," Damon stutters trying to make the words come out.
"I know," Stefan says, letting Damon off the hook. "Me too."
"Never thought I'd be sad to see you go." Damon remarks truthfully.
"I never thought I'd be sad to leave you," Stefan echoes back. Stefan's gaze goes back and forth between me and Damon as he speaks. "Take care of her," Stefan asks of Damon. "Take care of each other and be safe."
"Where are you going to go?" I ask, unsure what Stefan even did before he met me.
"Travel, maybe a world trip, see some friends." Stefan answers. He picks up his bag and is about to leave before he hears a whoosh of air and a voice in the doorway.
"Got room for one more on your world adventure?" Caroline asks with a gentle smile on your face.
"What are you doing here?" Stefan's smile grows wider at his Caroline's sudden appearance.
"You didn't think I would just let you leave after your heartfelt text goodbye did you? Well you don't have to worry about missing me, because I am tagging along." Stefan is clearly stunned, but I can tell by the determination on Caroline's face that she has already made up her mind.
"What about your life here, Tyler your friends?" Stefan quickly lists all the rational sane reasons why a high school senior can't just pick up and go. Then again, when was Caroline ever rational?
"I broke up with Tyler about ten minutes ago," Caroline admits with a trace of sadness, but a lack of regret in her voice. "My friends will still be here when I get back, and I think it's about time I started really living my immortal life, and there is no one that I'd rather have at my side to show me the world than you." Caroline confesses with a genuine smile.
"I'd be honored." Stefan accepts and he grabs her bag and puts it in his car. We follow them both outside and prepare to say goodbye. Caroline and I hug half a dozen times, and swear that we will keep in touch almost every day. My turn finally comes to say goodbye to Stefan, and I have no words left, no words to tell him what he meant to me or how sorry I was for how things ended, so I just gave him one last goodbye hug.
"You think this is ever gonna be less hard?" Stefan whispers in my ear, before letting me go. I smile just a tiny hopeful smile and nod.
"I think given enough time, you and I could actually be friends."
"Maybe in a decade or so we'll give that a shot," Stefan suggests happily.
"I'll miss you," I confess.
"I'll miss you too," Stefan admits. He gets real close before whispering so softly, I'm sure he only wants me to hear. "Little bit advice, I'd wait at least three years before Damon turns you. Having bartenders ask for your I.D. for all eternity gets really old." Damon is far enough away, and Stefan speaks low enough, that I don't think he knows what his brother just said, or if he does, he shows no signs. Damon just looks quizzically at us both, not jealous or scared, just curious at what just transpired.
"What makes you think I would?" Stefan flashes a knowing smile.
"Call it a hunch. Plus I'd never forgive you for leaving me with a mopey older brother for all eternity."
"That would be too cruel." I remark, not dwelling on the consequences of what I've just agreed to, another problem for another day.
"Be happy." Stefan asks sincerely.
"You too," I reply with one last smile. Stefan's car disappears into the distance before either of us speak. There are no more obstacles, no more fights, no more reasons not be together. For the first time, since we've met, Damon and I can just be happy, at last.
"What happens now?" Damon asks, giving voice to my inner monologue.
"Now, I really need you to kiss me." I state joyfully, wrapping my arms around his neck.
"I thought I wasn't allowed to kiss you again." Damon teases me, unable to wipe the smirk off his face. I release a fake sigh of exasperation at Damon for being difficult, because a part of me secretly loves it.
"When will you learn to stop listening to the words that I say? I only mean like half of them." I admit half-jokingly.
I expect Damon to lean in, kiss me like he never has before, and never let me go, but instead he tells me softly, either as a statement or as a question, "No turning back now."
"No turning back, ever." I admit, and the last defensive wall that Damon puts up has been stripped away. I could worry what my friends will say. I could worry about our future. I could worry about Klaus still being alive, but right now having Damon hold me in his arms knowing that he's mine and I'm his is all that really matters. So I surrender completely to his kisses, his embrace, and his love, no longer afraid of what the future may bring.
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