Chapter 7

Author notes: I realize the speed is slow and the angst level is high in this…but there will in fact be a plot not related to Faith's destruction and grief eventually, and there will be changes in her behavior. Lol. Thought I might just assure you/people of that.

Stay low.
Soft, dark, and dreamless,
Far beneath my nightmares and loneliness.
I hate me,
For breathing without you.
I don't want to feel anymore for you.

Grieving for you,
I'm not grieving for you.
Nothing real love can't undo,
And though I may have lost my way,
All paths lead straight to you.

I long to be like you,
Lie cold in the ground like you.

"Like you," Evanescence

After Willow's phone call, Xander took a shower, shaved, ate, and prepared himself to spend some time with her, Kennedy, and Dawn- possibly Giles and some of the junior Slayers as well. Ever since they had settled the Slayers-in-training headquarters and a new Watcher's Council had been started up in Cleveland, things had been different; though really, ever since the fall of Sunnydale things had been different, if Xander thought about it. Though the new Slayers were associating with them and each other frequently, and were considered an extended family of sorts, it was distant family at best, far removed cousins or some other type of kin. It was impossible to know them all very well, or in much detail at all- it was hard enough just to remember their names. Willow, Dawn, Giles, and now Kennedy, they were Xander's real family now, even more so than his blood kin. He had a past with them, he knew and understood them, as none of the junior Slayers ever would.

He wanted that with Faith… he wanted that for Faith. For they had history too, and as bad as most of that had been, there had been good times too….times Xander couldn't forget, and didn't want to. He didn't know if Faith remembered or cared, or if they had meant anything to her at all. It was possible that they hadn't, for she had often seemed to be working hard to prove this was so… but then again, it was possible that they had meant everything to her, and it was simply her way to hide this.

Though not a word had been spoken to even hint at it from Xander's time with Faith, he was nearly entirely positive that his suspicions from before of Faith's interest in and feelings for Buffy when Buffy was alive had been right. Why else would Faith be so shattered by her death, when it had seemed to Xander and anyone else watching them work together that their relationship, odd and intense as it had been, was barely a friendship at all as one might traditionally think of friendship?

Even a year later, even after working together, training together, and seemingly having forgiven each other, Buffy's and Faith's relationship had been strange and difficult to define or describe. They had continued to behave competitively and edgily, rarely showing affection or easy approval or even enjoyment of the other's company on any obvious level. They didn't hate each other, didn't deliberately try to hurt or spite each other- often, anyway- but it had seemed apparent that the women were simply too different and headstrong to keep from often rubbing each other the wrong way, particularly in Buffy's case.

But all of Faith's grief, all of her guilt and rage and suffering…all of that couldn't' have come about simply because Buffy had been an ally, a sister Slayer, through regret or unresolved issues between them…could it? Xander doubted this… and this caused him to wonder as well whether Buffy had known, or what she might have thought or felt if she had. Was it possible that Buffy had known, that there had been something going on, whether acted upon or not, right under their noses?

Xander didn't know, and there was little point in speculating. Even had she been with him to ask, he couldn't have done so, for there was no way such a question could have gone over well. And now that he didn't' even know where Faith was or what her plans were, he couldn't find a way to get her to talk about it. It bothered him to consider this… for as he drove to Willow's house, it was becoming clear to Xander suddenly that Faith did not have a family, did not have the love and support of close friends that he and the others had. And she was so used to this, even resistant to it, that even if she were present, she would probably not allow him or anyone else to even attempt to be that for her.

But she needed it. Having been with her, seen her in the aftermath of it all, Xander knew she needed it. The problem was how he would provide it when she didn't' allow for it, without continually stalking her around the whole country… a feat that seemed impossible.

Xander spent several hours with Willow, Kennedy, and Dawn, who Willow had obtained guardianship of after Buffy's death, and responded vaguely to questions as to where he had been from Dawn and Kennedy. Dawn was willing to let it slide, but Kennedy was more persistent, and Willow eventually had to persuade her to back off. In two weeks the sharp grief of Willow and Dawn had become slightly dulled, giving way to mild numbness in Dawn and mournful aura to Xander that he hated witnessing almost as much as he had their more intense and initial emotions. Still, he stayed with them and tried not to worry about them more than was helpful- or about Faith.

This method worked reasonably well if he kept busy, not allowing his mind to wonder, but as the day turned to evening, Xander had to admit defeat. He needed to know what was going on with Faith, needed to know if he was okay…like it or not, by this point he was invested to the point of near obsession. He knew it was a long shot that he would even be able to find her, let alone do something that would help her, but he would have to try again if he wanted any peace of mind… he would have to take his chances.

He said his goodbyes to the women, promising to either see them or call them the next day, and set off, determined to cover all the areas Faith might be at, if she hadn't left town. There was a chance, however small, that she hadn't yet, and he decided to take it.

He tried the cemeteries first; after what he had witnessed between her and the vampire in the alley last night, he wouldn't be surprised if Faith would put herself in a situation like that again. When this yielded nothing but a vampire, which Xander succeeded in dusting after several minutes of struggling, he began to check alleys and back roads next, also coming up with nothing.

He tried the bars next, this time going so far as to ask females who seemed sober to check inside the bathrooms for someone of Faith's description. But again this didn't work, and Xander was afraid that Faith had indeed left town.

It occurred to him after the last bar he tried that maybe Faith had gone back to her motel room. Why she would go there made no sense really to Xander, but deciding to try, he drove there quickly, pulling into its parking lot.

He didn't find her right away. Initially he walked up to the room Faith had been renting and knocked on the door, calling her name and asking to be let in. Of course he wasn't; Xander hadn't expected a response from her even if she had been there, unless, of course, it was screams for him to leave punctuated with swear words and possibly the sounds of breaking glass. So when he knocked a few more times and earned no reply, he once again used his drivers license to break into the room. It looked exactly the same as he had left it when he stepped inside, scanning its interior- which was, of course, much cleaner than Faith had left it. A quick glance inside the bathroom only made it more clear to Xander that Fait had not been back inside the motel room since he had taken her out of it.

But still, even as he exited the room, shutting the door behind him, he felt an uneasy, restless prickling at the back of his neck, a need to keep looking. Where else Faith would be around the motel other than her room, Xander had no idea, but he went along with it, beginning to circle around the building, seeking out the area.

As he came around behind the building he saw them… they were on the far other end of the backside, just around the corner from the check-in area. There was a man and a woman, on the ground, obviously involved in some sort of sexual act. The man's back was turned towards Xander, so he couldn't see his face, but Xander could hear his panting, excited breaths even from the distance….he could see that he was straddling the woman, groping her roughly. As Xander stared, momentarily still with shock, he watched the man fondling the woman under her shirt, shoving it up to expose her breasts, then kissing her roughly, thrusting his tongue between her slackened, unresisting lips. Pausing for air, he pulled back slightly, reaching to unzip his fly…

Even from the distance Xander could tell from the unmoving woman's long dark hair and slim legs that she was Faith…and when the man pulled back from her face for a moment, he saw positively that he was right…and that Faith was barely conscious. Even if she had initiated this encounter, she certainly wasn't an active participant currently. And this man was pushing forward with it, this man was-

Rage shot through Xander so suddenly and strongly that every muscle tensed, rendered for a split second incapable of action. Had this happened with Faith before- had she let this happen to herself before? How many times- how many men had used her like this in the past few weeks? How many men had she LET use her like this? Did she even remember later, did she even realize it was wrong? Did she CARE- did she want on some level for this to happen?

All this flickered through his mind in a couple of seconds, too quickly to really look for any conclusions, but Xander was in no reflective state of mind. He ran, his eyes intent on the man straddling Faith, and slung an arm tightly around his throat, choking him, pulling him backwards off of her and onto the ground. As the man cried out, taken completely by surprise, Xander saw the plaque on his shirt naming him as Rob, the motel manager, and his fury rose even higher. Was this his way of obtaining late room payments? Or was he simply a freakin' pervert bastard with every guest he found stumbling around behind the building? The guy had a key to every motel room, he could use them whenever he wanted- what if he broke in every time he felt like it, for every attractive young woman he checked in? what if-

Xander didn't know if any of this was true, of course, and had no way of knowing so. But he knew that this Rob guy had been more than prepared to perform a sexual act with a woman who was quite clearly not in the state of mind to make such a decision. He knew the woman was Faith. And that was all he needed to know to smash his fist into Rob's face, not even feeling the pain it caused in his hand, and then to sock him in the stomach as well, causing him to double over, groaning, blood streaming over his lip.

"What the fuck?!" Rob the manager sputtered, his eyes wide, glinting with his shock, fear, and anger as he tried to pull away from Xander, tried to move away to defend himself. "What the hell- what'd you do that for, what-"

"What the hell are YOU doing THAT for?!" Xander yelled back, seizing Rob by his shoulder and shirt collar and pulling his face close as he shook him roughly, giving in to the anger still coursing through him without making much effort to control it. "Get the hell away from her, you pervert, you bastard- what the hell were you doing to her?!"

"I wasn't doing anything, she wanted it! She-" the man yelped, but Xander cut him off, his voice rising even further.

"She's drunk, she doesn't know what the hell she wants, you asshole! She can barely keep her eyes open, let alone look at you and agree to a mattress mambo- oh yeah, there is no mattress out here, just a concrete alley ground! What the hell were you thinking, do you even known her name? Did you even look at her, did you LOOK at her?!"

Another strong flash of anger shooting through his chest, Xander hit Rob again, this time squarely in the mouth. Rob yelped again, his eyes shimmering with pain and alarm, and this angered Xander too. He couldn't take getting hit by a guy his own size, even one as weak as Xander…but he DID get off on taking advantage of smaller women who were too drunk to resist or know better…of FAITH?

Xander ignored the tiny voice that told him that Faith would probably still have screwed this man if she were sober and conscious, that she would undoubtedly be furious later and pridestruck if she found out that he had defended her and her honor in such a way. Neither mattered- neither was what counted. He hit Rob again, and Rob yelled, trying to twist away from him.

"She wanted it! She was doing it, she-"

"She can't even tell you how many fingers are on one hand!" Xander snapped back, and he hit him again, aware that he was losing control, aware that his knuckles were bleeding…but only vaguely. His heart was pounding, adrenaline rushing to his head, and all he could think of was Faith, Faith lying there without speaking, without moving…

"Please, stop, please, I'm sorry," Rob was pleading, nearly crying, his words running together. "I'm sorry, I won't do it again, please stop…"

Xander had to force himself to stop his fist from descending again, force himself to slow his breathing, slow his thinking… and to keep his eyes turned away from Faith. If he looked back at her, he couldn't do this… and he had to do this, he had to let the guy go. But he didn't have to be nice about it.

"If you ever do anything like this again…if you ever come near her again," he said slowly, his voice low and heavy with intensity, "then you're not going to be able to try this on another woman again. I'll make sure of that."

Leaving that threat hanging over his head, he shoved Rob away from him, staring at him with narrowed eyes. Rob stumbled to his feet with a gasp, glancing at Faith furtively before taking off around the corner without another word, as if afraid Xander would chase him. Xander watched, taking deep breaths to calm himself, making sure he was gone, and then turned to regard Faith closely for the first time since he had seen her in the alley.

She still appeared to be unconscious, probably from the results of heavy drinking, once again, and Xander didn't even want to think about how she was getting the money to continually buy such vast quantities of alcohol, enough to affect a Slayer, and a Slayer with Faith's tolerance level, no less. As Xander came to kneel beside her, he didn't think that her unconscious state was the result of injuries; other than some scuffs and scrapes, she appeared physically okay. In order to fight down the anger he still felt heavily toward Rob, Xander deliberately made himself concentrate on his concern for Faith's repeated binge drinking.

Even as a Slayer, it couldn't be good for her, he knew. Even if her Slayer healing allowed for her kidney and liver to repair any damage she inflicted upon herself, she was still blacking out, which could lead to head injuries, concussions. And if she drank to the point of unconsciousness nearly every day, then that would leave her open to attack. Whether from human predators or vampires, or some other monster, it made no difference- in that kind of state, anyone could hurt or use Faith, even kill her. And even if she didn't drink until she blacked out, even if she remained conscious, her thinking and movements would still be impaired, she would still be in danger. Not to mention that the alcohol might even contribute to her making decisions to deliberately harm herself or expose herself to harm…

Faith couldn't continue to drink like she had been. But what could Xander do about it? Lock her in his room, tie her to his bed until she gave in? That wasn't such a bad thought really… stop it!

No, he obviously couldn't do that- like anything he did could keep an angry Slayer where she didn't want to be anyway. All he could do for the moment was continue to be there when she needed him, literally scraping her off the sidewalk and continuing to do whatever he had to so she would start to come around a little, maybe start to heal…and maybe start to trust him.

And maybe she did trust him, a little, even if she didn't want to admit it yet. Why else would she have not left town long ago…why else would she have showed up on his doorstep, even if she left again as soon as she was able? Maybe he was doing something right after all, even if it felt like everything he'd done for Faith so far had backfired… after all, she was still here.

Xander reached to pull Faith's shirt down first, almost as much for his own sake as for hers. As concerned as he was for her, and as angry as he was at Rob for what he had been trying to do, it still made him flush, his heartbeat quickening, to look at her unclad chest. He rubbed his hand up and down one arm, not wanting his fingers to be cold, and felt her pulse before taking Faith into his arms carefully. She stirred but did not awaken as he carried her around to his car, carefully arranging her in his backseat. He ignored the strong scent of stale cigarettes and alcohol that quickly filled his car as he came around to the driver's seat, and drove home in silence, trying to plan his next move. It wasn't' a question as to whether he would continue to help Faith, to look out for her as long as he could. The question was whether all of this was going to be more than he could do alone, more than he could really handle.

Should he have told Willow and the others about what had been going on, even if he asked them not to do anything about it yet? Was it selfish and arrogant of him to try to do this alone- was it going to bring more hurt to Faith in the end? Should he have enlisted their ears, if not their hands, in helping her?

But if he told them, no doubt they would be concerned… they would probably want to help in some way, at least some of them, even if Xander asked them not to be. And he felt instinctively that involvement from them at this point would cause Faith to become even more defensive, might drive her off for good. But there was so much going on with her. She needed food and clothes, a place to stay, to shower, someone to support and care about her.. and though Xander could give all that gladly, he didn't know if she would ever accept it. Adding in the binge drinking, the unabated grief, and the suicidal behaviors, and it was a whole new ballgame- one Xander was afraid could not be won on either side.

He knew what Faith didn't' need right now was space. But how could he insure she didn't' have that when she ran away every time he dragged her home with him?

And then there was the dreams… twice now Xander had witnessed her in deep distress, hysterical over nightmares in a way he had never seen her before, never thought possible in association with her. Though he had no idea what they consisted of or even if they were the same both times, their occurrence and her reaction to them twice in a row seemed too incredible to be coincidence. But what did that mean, and what could he possibly do to stop her from dreaming, anyway? Nothing, of course.

Too many questions, too few answers, all were creating the beginnings of a headache. As Xander pulled into his apartment's parking lot and lifted Faith into his arms again, he steeled himself to try with her…again.

Author notes again: This will be the last chapter for a while though it is by no means finished, I'm going to see relatives from December 26-31 or so. So hope this is a decent place to pause for a while. Merry Christmas!