A/N: Fate/Stay Night seems to happen on a February, if the numbers that show up at the end of each day is any indicator, but since that really doesn't have much to do with the story…

The Nasuverse at large will only be called upon on a highly selective basis, mainly because it's magic system is giving me a headache.

Warning: Caster Crack!

Written Pre-Ghost Story, Dresden-verse wise.

...

FATE/Holy Grail War of 2814

by Shadow Crystal Mage

Chapter 7: Princess Bride? Really?/ CREEPY PERVERT PRIEST!/"What is a tentacle monster?"/"Edward is hawt!"/Miyu Brings Home A Stranger/Shinji's Idea of Phone Sex/Benefits of Teamwork/The Return of Kirei!/Sexy Battle Onee-chan Rider!/You IDIOT!/Phallic imagery/GARcher/Most Ominous/Giant Robot/UNLIMITED BLADE WORKS! Archer Is Annoyed

Disclaimer: I own none of the characters in this story. If I did… well, this would all be canon. WARNING: MAY CAUSE HEAD EXPLOSION!

...

The following day…

"Should we really be doing this?" Illya sighed as they climbed the obscenely long flight of stairs leading up to Ryuudo Temple. "Isn't this the scene where we walk in like suckers, and then a cage falls down on us, and in the next scene we're suspended over a tank full of shrieking eels while the big villain laughs at us for being fools?"

"Princess Bride? Really?" Luvia said, gritting her teeth as she climbed.

"Trace, on!" Kuro cried as she skipped along, full of energy, having drained Miyu earlier that morning. Between one step and the next, she was wearing black. "I am the Dread Pirate Roberts! No woman can resist my charms! "

Miyu took a skipping step and punched Kuro in the face.

There was a small round of applause from Rin, Luvia and Illya. Saber valiantly kept herself from joining in.

Whoa! Lancer said, hovering around in spirit form. One punch!

"Eh? Into BDSM, are you Miyu-chan?" Kuro leered as her clothes went back to normal.

Miyu gave her a flat, if deeply blushing look and latched onto Illya's side, clutching her arm.

And once more, nothing stops the girl, Archer commented. She will make for a very disturbing serial rapist when she grows up.

"I wish mom and dad could have come with us," Shiro said as the climbed some more. "I'd have liked to have their advice."

"They said they were getting our fallback position ready," Illya said. "Though why would we need a fallback position? I mean, it's not like we're actually fighting. The four of us don't want to kill each other, except for Rin and Luvia, and they both want to do that anyway, Shinji's a spineless wuss, and this Master, or maybe Masters since they had two Servants, says they want to parlay. It's kinda hard to have a War when no one really wants to fight."

Rin snorted. "Do you really want to bet that Kirei–"

"CREEPY PERVERT PRIEST!" Illya cried in horror

"– will let things go at that? You can tell he has that whole 'guy that you just knew the first time you met him, to be the one pulling all the strings' vibe to him," Rin finished.

"Then we sic his tentacle monster at him!" Kuro declared.

Everyone blinked.

"Tentacle monster?" Saber said, as if sampling the words, not sure what they meant.

"Sure! If he's really a creepy pervert priest, then he MUST have a tentacle monster!" Kuro declared. "It's practically contractual!"

How the hell did this girl get so dirty? Archer mused.

What's a tentacle monster? Lancer asked, unsure what the phrase meant.

"What," Saber asked, frowning, "Is a tentacle monster?"

Kuro smiled widely. And before anyone could stop her, she explained it to Saber.

In.

Great.

And.

Excruciating.

Detail.

With.

Illustrations.

Saber twitched, wide-eyed, drool dripping from one side of her mouth. "What kind of devil-spawn child are you?" she declared, wiping the liquid away.

Shiro's nose gushed blood as he went cross-eyed.

Illya's nose gushed as she went cross-eyed.

Miyu's nose gushed as she thought what Illya would look like meeting one.

Rin and Luvia turned interesting shades of red.

"…!" went Lancer.

Archer screamed Lady Gaga songs as loudly as he could, spiritual hands over spiritual ears.

They'd reached the top of the stairs at some point of Kuro's recital. Assassin was twitching, the lower half of his body encased in ice. Caster Minoris was muttering about 'Vord', 'Bloodspeakers', 'sharks', and 'intestines getting pulled out through the mouth' with his fingers in his ears.

Between them stood a beautiful woman in mundane clothes with long blue hair, a braid behind one of her pointed ears. Her mouth hung open, and drool was starting to mix in with the blood dripping from her nose.

Finally, Luvia spoke. "Should we all decide to begin prosecuting this War in the classical homicidal fashion," she declared. "I put forth the motion we all agree to target Kuro first, who is obviously some twisted, evil Servant of an unspeakably evil Master of Darkness."

"Agreed," they all chorused.

"HEY!" Kuro cried.

Saber stepped forward, staring at the woman, noting the unusual ears. "I take it you are one of the Masters who has taken up residence here?" she said. "Was the invitation for negotiation from you?"

"Yes," the woman said. "And then again, not quite. I take it you are the Masters of the Servants who came here last night?"

"And one of the Servants," Assassin said, pointing at Saber.

The woman frowned. "You felt the need to publicly bring one of your Servants?"

"I will not leave my Master's side," Saber said staunchly.

Kuro was less kind. "She's clingy," she said in an aside. "We think it might be because she hasn't gotten laid in a long time."

"Kuro!" Luvia cried, swatting at the girl with a harisen. "Don't say such lewd things to respectable women!"

"Isn't that child abuse?" Assassin said, pointing.

"She doesn't count," Rin said.

The blue-haired Master ''hmm…'-ed in consideration. "I see. If you like, I could teach you some positions that might be helpful with that. Having more than one partner helps as well. I could give you a number you could call…"

"Please stop talking in front of my sisters!" Shiro pleaded as he futilely tried to block Illya, Miyu's and his own ears, all at the same time. From the bug-eyed looks on the two girl's faces, it wasn't working. Saber's ahoge was twitching like crazy as all the blood seemed to rush into the blonde's face.

A slow, evil smile began to spread along Kuro's face. "I think this alliance is going to go just fine…"

...

Iris suddenly looked up from where she was working.

"Dear?" Kiritsugu said, looking up from the gun he was putting together. "Is something wrong?"

"Suddenly…" Iris said slowly. "I feel like a kindred spirit has just awakened… honey, would you like a blowjob?"

"Now?-!"

...

"A Servant?" everyone exclaimed.

They sat or stood in the room the woman, Caster, had bought them to, where she'd been allowed to live in the Ryuudo temple. She sat primly, poised, a cup of tee next to her. There was one next to everyone else as well. They didn't drink. What were they, really stupid?

The woman nodded. "Yes. My Master, a most objectionable man named Happosai, who treated me with cruelty and abuse, and tried to force me to do unspeakably evil things–"

"Go on, paint this glitter on me and call me Edward!"

"DIE, FOUL INHUMAN MONSTROSITY!"

Everyone shuddered.

"– so as you can see, I had no choice but to kill him," Caster finished telling her story.

"That's horrible!" Rin said.

"You poor thing!" Luvia cried.

"You've been through so much!" Illya wailed.

"I am sad for you," Miyu said.

"Truly, your soul is noble and pure," Saber said.

"You did the right thing," Shiro agreed.

"Edward is hawt!" cried Kuro.

They all stared at her in horror.

She laughed. "KIDDING! But really, you should have seen the looks on your faces…!"

They all sighed relief.

"Then what happened?" Illya asked, leaning forward to listen to Caster.

"Then…" Caster sighed, putting a hand to her cheek. "He came… it was so romantic…"

"Stable boy, become my new Master so that I won't just dissolve away!"

"As you wish…"

"Squee!" Caster exclaimed, putting her hands to her cheek. There should have been hearts in the air. "Anyway, he brought me here and took care of me and tended me until I was all better. I fell in love with him and his kindness, and so decided to do all I could to see that we could be together. When I was well enough, to repay him, I…" she blushed demurely.

"You what? You what?" Illya pressed eagerly.

"I invited him to my bed and had wild, hot sex with him!" Caster declared.

"Ooh, details please!" Kuro requested, leaning forward.

"PLEASE NO!" Shiro cried, once more trying to block Illya, Miyu's and his own ears, all at the same time. It still wasn't working.

"Anyway, now we're preparing to get married!" Caster said.

Everyone but Kuro blinked. "Um, how long have you known him?" Rin asked hesitantly.

"Two weeks!" Caster said. "Best sex I've ever had!"

"Details please!" Kuro said.

"PLEASE NO!" Shiro cried.

The door to the room suddenly slid open. They all turned as a tall, imposing man entered.

"HONEY!" Caster cried, leaping to her feet and throwing herself at the man.

KISS! EVEN DIRTIER THAN KURO'S! SERIOUSLY, IT WAS ALREADY XXX, AND THEY STILL HAD THEIR CLOTHES ON!

Shiro, Rin and Luvia froze, staring and twitching. The blood drained from their faces.

Kuro frantically took notes, looking at Miyu, Illya and Shiro with an evil gleam in her eyes.

Eventually the kiss broke, and Caster laid her head on the man's chest, looking absolutely content.

Kuzuki Soichirou looked beyond Caster, eyes narrowing at the three high school students. His homeroom students. "Ah, Tohsaka. Edelfelt. Emiya. You were absent from school again today. This will not go well for you."

Rin twitched. "Someone hates us."

Somewhere, Shadow Crystal Mage sneezed.

...

It took a while for Kuzuki to leave. He kept glaring at the three who'd cut class, though he was otherwise very civil. Finally though, they got back on track.

"Okay, so you're actually the Servant Caster, you killed your master for being evil, and you're about to get married," Kuro said, ticking off each point on her fingers. She thrust her thumb over her shoulder. "How does that explain the Jim Butcher twins out there? You're a Servant, not a Master! You shouldn't be able to summon one at all! And how did you summon those two? They're not even real!"

Caster sniffed. "Oh, please. I come from an age when the magic of humans was equal to that of the gods themselves! I needed protection, so it was a relatively simple matter to use the system of this 'Holy Grail' to call my own Servant. The process wasn't as perfect as I could wish, but I was strained for time, since Soichirou would be coming home in an hour and I needed to be ready to make his dinner, so I put together a summoning. He's not really Harry Dresden. He's just the spirit of a Magus who can use fire magic, with a compatible sense of humor and beliefs, filled with false memories. The same is true of Caster Minoris."

"How'd that happen again?" Rin demanded. "Doesn't that mean there are technically two Casters?"

Caster gave her a look. "Witch from the Age of Gods, remember? I used a part of my existence as a basis for Caster Minoris. Technically, it was Assassin who called him. Two of my Master's command Seals are on me, one is on Assassin to bind Minoris."

"Why are you telling us this?" Saber interjected. "You are revealing valuable tactical data!"

Caster folded her hands, head bowed, looking serious. "I do not wish to be a part of this war. I only wish to be with Soichirou. So…I want to ask for terms for peace. I will not move against you, and you will not move against me. That is all I want."

There was silence. Then…

"Told you so. Pay up," Shiro said, holding out his hand.

Everyone groaned, but handed him their money.

And so ends another day in the Holy Grail Not-So-War.

...

In the darkness, the creature stalked.

Emiya…

Join me…

Come to my world…

Let me repay you…

Let me show you TRUE evil!

Do not fuck with 'Angra Mainyu'. No mere human made evil can compare to human evil itself.

For the first time in his existence, the being that was once Kotomine Kirei was content. It had become what it was meant to be…

...

It sucked, being a maid.

Upon coming back home with their victory, such as it was, everyone had been in the mood for an impromptu party. They'd been lacking a few things, so Luvia had sent Miyu to the grocery. Illya had volunteered to accompany her, but had gotten distracted when Kuro had asked Shiro to try out some things she'd made notes on. Violence had ensued. She'd had to leave by herself.

On the upside, Saber said the two trying to kill each other was good combat practice.

She was on her way back home, carrying the bag of groceries, as smooth faced as ever, when Magical Sapphire suddenly cried, "STOP!"

She stopped, frowning down at the Zelretch creation. "What is it, Sapphire?"

"There was an unconscious man in the alley we just passed!"

Miyu stared blankly. "So?"

"You're a Magical Girl, Miyu!" Sapphire cried. "You're supposed to help people! Aren't you in a club and everything?"

Miyu tilted her head, and turned back.

A blonde lay unconscious on the ground, limbs twitching slightly, one hand spasmodically clutching his heart.

Miyu stared.

She tried to pick him up. He was too heavy.

She stared some more.

"Compact full open. Expanding connection to alternate realities," Miyu said. "Kaleido Sapphire Liner Miyu, transformed. Sapphire, redirect power to boost physical strength and enable flight."

"Done, Miyu-chan!"

Miyu picked up the man and flew home.

She landed in the backyard of Luvia's mansion and let herself in. August, the butler, was in the kitchen, having his own dinner. Miyu didn't want to disturb him, since this wasn't a kitchen matter. She took the man to her room and laid him down comfortably on her bed after securing her Illya Dakimura in her closet.

She waited.

The man did not wake up.

"Sapphire, can you tell what's wrong?"

The staff did the equivalent of shaking its head. "No, sorry. Hey! Why don't you try the Caster Card! Maybe that'll let you use healing magic! After all, healing spells are a stock ability in the Magical Girl genre, after all."

Miyu considered this, deemed the logic sound, and pulled out the Caster Card, reflecting she'd never used it before. "Caster Card, Install."

There was a burst of light, and a costume shift. Miyu now stood in a very loli-stripperific version of what the Caster Card entity had worm, the long skirt slitted and open, revealing her legs, the cape long, and the headpieace and viel looking more like a hat, emphasizing her face instead of concealing it. Her belly button showed, and she wore a barely bandage-wide strip of cloth over her nipples. All the cloth seemed to have been gathered over her arms. Knowledge and power of the Caster Class filled her.

She blinked, staring down at the unconscious blonde. "This isn't a man…"

She was late getting back to the party…

...

The following day…

Ring!

"Hello, this is Emiya."

"Hey, Emiya. It seems you're absent again today. Are you sick or something?"

It's Shinji's voice, mixed with hidden laughter.

Wait, what the heck does that even mean?

"Shinji? Do you want something? I don't think there's anything to talk about. I'm sort of busy training."

This was a polite way of saying Saber, Archer, and Lancer were taking turns hitting him with wooden poles of varying lengths. They said it was 'training'. Archer was smiling too widely for that to be true.

"Don't be angry. I just called to tell you something."

"…Tell me something…?"

"Yeah. There's something I needed to tell you, but you never came to school. I don't want to wait any longer and I can't stand it, so I contacted you. …are you alone?"

…Shinji's tone is strange.

Shiro couldn't tell much from just his voice, but he sounded like he's really excited or pressured.

He could hear students in the background, so Shinji must still be at school.

It's past two. It must be break time right after the fifth period.

"Shinji, this isn't what they call phone sex, is it?"

"Hey! Be serious, Emiya! I need to tell you something important! I'll tell you something good, so come to school now!"

Shiro blinked.

Shinji was acting strange, and anyway, they were already talking. There was no need to go to school.

"No. I'm sorry, but I can't go to school. If you have some business with me, wait until next week. I'll go back to school after the weekend."

"…Huh? What are you being so selfish for? That's too late. I just told you I can't wait any longer…!" Shinji screamed at Shiro. He must be excited as Shiro could hear his heavy breathing even over the phone.

"Are you sure this isn't phone sex, Shinji?"

"…"

Shiro waited.

"…Huh. I guess you're thinking a bit. You're right, there's no way you'd come by yourself now. This call sounds too strange no matter how you take it. I guess even you found it strange." Attitude completely changing, Shinji laughs.

"Just spit it out, Shinji, I really can't do with more weird. I get enough of that from my little sister," Shiro said.

This seemed to have an effect on Shinji.

"Just go to the school, Emiya," Shinji growled. "If you run, you'll be here by sixth period. It's important. Its…" he seemed to struggle. "It's about Sakura!"

The line went dead.

Shiro stared at the phone.

"Well?" Kuro's sudden voice said from behind him, making him jump.

"Kuro? How long have you been there?" Shiro asked.

"Since the first time you mentioned phone sex," Kuro said. "You did get that number from Caster-san after all!"

Shiro reminded himself he shouldn't hit his sister.

That's what the other sister was for.

"I just need to run to school," Shiro said, grabbing his jacket and hurrying for the door.

Every other female body in the house blocked him. Rin held up the phone extension. "You can't be that stupid," she said. "It's obviously a trap."

"It's Shinji!" Shiro protested. "He doesn't want to fight. Besides, what harm could he do? It's not like he can bring his Servant to school."

Saber gave him a flat look. "Shiro," she said, "The only reason I don't follow you around school is because I cannot dematerialize. Shinji's Servant likely does not have that problem. And as Lancer regularly points out, this is supposed to be a War. Shinji is obviously setting you up to kill you."

"And," Luvia pointed out, "there is still the matter of the spell around the school. I'm more inclined to believe Caster's claim she hasn't left Ryuudo temple in days than Matou's story of not having anything to do with it."

"The guy's an asshole, Shiro-niisan!" Illya exclaimed.

They all glared at him.

Archer appeared at his side. "Word of advice?" he mock whispered. "Just give up. They're going to get their way no matter what, might as well not exhaust yourself."

The women all nodded in agreement.

Shiro sighed in defeat.

...

Shinji, standing on the roof of the school, laughed evilly as he saw Shiro running in the distance. He stepped back from the edge so as not to profile himself, kneeling down next to the sigil he'd wrought on the roof with Zouken Magic Chalk ©, waiting to activate it.

"Soon, I will be victorious," he gloated to himself.

Rider, standing over his shoulder, thought it was a good idea she'd changed her mind about telling Shinji she'd been seen.

Shiro crossed the threshold of the spell, and Shinji turned, activating the barrier, which would lead to a slow build up of energy that would melt the bodies of everyone in the school who wasn't him and (he sighed) Sakura, thus powering up his Servant and giving him the edge he needed to win this war, as well as getting rid of one of the competition!

Laughing, he skipped downstairs, ready to meet Shiro…

...

In the Archery club dojo, Kaleido Ruby stabbed her magic-charged blade-form of her staff down into the invisible sigil, disrupting the working.

"Let's see how you like this, asshole," she muttered to herself.

Invisible behind her, Berserker twitched. He hated magic…

Rin, who'd come behind the school along with everyone else when Archer had spotted where Shinji was, destroyed the sigil on the north outer wall.

Luvia destroyed the one on the southern wall.

Archer, having ditched Rin, whistled innocently, Traced Rule Breaker, and materialized long enough to stab it into the sigil in the middle of the athletic field.

In her class, Sakura smiled to herself, wondering how Shinji would react to her destroying all his magical sigils and leaving behind convincing fakes. No one was dissolving her classmates!

Laughter echoed in her head.

...

Shinji waited.

And waited.

And waited some more…

"Where is my bounded field?-!" he cried from where he was hiding in a stairwell.

At that moment, the fire alarm went off. Shinji stared in confusion. He hadn't activated the fire plan!

"Matou Shinji," a voice cried from a higher step. He whirled.

Rin smiled at him. It wasn't a nice smile. One arm was bare, showing the complicated pattern of the Tohsaka Family's Crest. "I've been waiting a long time to kill you, you bastard. DIE!"

A gem flew from her hand, glowing with magic. Shinji screamed like a girl.

The air rippled, and Rider appeared, pulling Shinji out of the way of the gem as it exploded. Shinji tumbled to the ground as Rider charged at Rin, her nail-like weapon streaking forward on its chain.

Clang!

Archer appeared as suddenly, a katana in hand, its presence darkly ominous. "Hello, sexy battle Onee-chan," he said easily. "Here for our rematch?"

Somewhere, Taiga sneezed.

Rin glared at her Servant. "Are you flirting with her?"

"A little," Archer said. "No need to be jealous Rin. She's spoken for. "

"Attack them!" Shinji cried. "Kill them!"

"You could," Archer said, and held up part of a fire-alarm's cover plate. "Or you could be making yourselves scarce."

Indeed, doors had been opening and footsteps thundering all this time.

Rin swore, and ran back up the stares, Rider and Archer disappearing at the last moment as Shinji finally bolted, losing himself in the crowd.

'Sexy battle Onee-chan'? Rider managed to get out when they'd gone spirit.

A gentleman always speaks of a lady's graces, Archer said.

She blushed, and ran away.

...

There was a scent in the air. It could feel it. A fragrance of power. The rose-blessed scent of darkness. The reek of nobility. It stalked, following the scent, moving straight towards Homurabara Gakuen…

...

The plan, when they'd hammered it out, had divided them right down the middle. Illya, Kuro and, surprisingly, Archer had thought it was brilliant. Rin, Luvia and Saber called it insane. Shiro and the other Servants had been too stunned at the idea to venture an opinion at the time.

The population of Homurabara stood in the athletic field, talking to each other and asking if this was a drill or if there really was a fire. Teachers were equally confused, and trying to maintain order. In the midst of it, Shinji tried to disappear.

Suddenly, from out of the sky a pink-clad figure descended, to the accompaniment of the score of 'Ride of the Valkyries'. The figure, a young girl with pale hair and wearing a pink domino mask, landed on top of the flagpole, and there was a suddenly flurry as lolicons the school over tried to take a camera photo of her panties. There was a sudden outcry as the cellphones refused to focus.

Sakura put her big book back into her bag and whistled innocently.

The figure pointed. "Students of Homurabara Gakuen, I am Magical Girl Kaleido Ruby, Defender of Fuyuki, and I need your help! Your school has been infiltrated by the forces of evil!"

There were gasps, but no one panicked. Japan was the only country in the world whose schools regularly had an 'infiltrated by the forces of evil' drill. It wasn't just a good idea, it was the law!

Kaleido Ruby continued. "Among you, there is one who has been possessed by the forces of evil, and has just recently tried to sacrifice the people of this school for the sake of collecting your energy."

There were gasps. More nerdy types pulled out their 'in case of infiltration by the forces of evil' checklist and began ticking of the points.

Shinji began to sweat, and started trying to sneak out.

"This person has been fully corrupted by the forces of evil, and is really no longer human!" Kaleido Ruby bellowed

More gasps.

"How could this be?"

"No, it can't be true, it just couldn't!"

"It's impossible, especially for a student of this school!"

"We don't believe you!"

"This is all a mistake!"

Kaleido Ruby pointed dramatically. "And this evil person is… MATOU SHINJI!"

Everyone turned.

"Oh, yeah, that explains it."

"Oh, they were talking about Captain Asshole?"

"Should have realized sooner."

"I knew there was a reason! No normal human could normally be that evil!"

"The vengeance of heaven is slow but sure! Have at thee, Matou Shinji!"

Shinji froze as he was called out, people moving away from him. He looked about in panic, fumbling for his Book of False Attendant.

"Get him!" the crowded roared.

Frantically, Shinji brandished the book. "Stay back! I'm warning you!"

"Oh shit, he's got a Death Note!"

"RUN!"

Students began to flee in panic as Illya bounded forward. Archer, Lancer, Saber, Kuro and Berserker were right behind her, all but the latter masked, charging right at Shinji.

"RIDER!" he cried.

On the roof of the school, part of a sigil was visible, glowing red.

Then there was a sonic boom that shook everything within three blocks, causing students to fall to the ground and the Servants and Magical Girls to stumble in their charge. Something streaked down from the sky, and there was a shockwave as it landed next to Shinji, somehow not affecting him despite everyone within thirty feet being thrown back by the force.

"Stop them!" a masked Rin cried.

"Too many people in the way!" Illya cried. "We'd hurt them!"

There was another earth-cracking thunderclap, and the streak was airborne again, sending out another shockwave that caused the Masters to lose their footing.

The sudden silence was deafening.

"Damn it!" Rin cried. "We almost had him!"

Lancer levered himself up, surveying all the people looking at him. "Clean up is going to be a bitch."

Saber leveled a glare at him. "That wasn't the plan. There's apparently a reason we did it this way. We don't have to… do anything."

Lancer snorted. "What else can–"

Archer whirled in horror, staring at Lancer, and rushed towards him as was as Servant-ly possible.

"-possibly go wrong–!"

Archer's hand clamped over Lancer's mouth, but it was too late.

A deep, beast-like roar echoed through the air.

Simultaneously, every cell phone, speaker and earphone in the schoolyard went nuts.

Archer glared at Lancer. "You IDIOT!"

...

It screamed, an ancient hunting call of its kind. Of the Invaders. Its voice traveled, going beyond the medium of mere vibrations transferred through gaseous molecules, reaching into the realm of the electromagnetic. In those hidden, the cry was heard.

There are people of them everywhere. Objectionable people, whose lives seem to revolve around specializing in petty cruelties, making the world immediately around them just a little bit worse. We're inclined to ignore them, or suffer their pettiness for one reason or another, even as they drag us down with them. And they never seem to receive their comeuppance, that slight redressing of balances that happens to all people when the bad karma on their soul becomes too great.

There's a reason for this.

They're not human. They are the Invaders. Their lives do revolve around petty evil. And one day, when the call comes, they reveal themselves.

In the area around Homurabara, that day was now.

Those who heard the cry in the form of an electromagnetic signal, had their eyes lose focus. The jerkass teacher who seemed to take delight in making students fail and suffer. The sneering jock who bullied everyone, yet seemed untouchable. The gang who loitered near a particular intersection. Others. Many others, in various guises.

They heard the call… and changed.

Screams erupted from the students as dark, inhumanly precise forms appeared in their midst from where fellow students and teachers had been, all wearing sunglasses and for some strange reason carrying briefcasses. Those were the lucky ones. Other found themselves standing next to dark forms from nightmare, with limbs made of cable, and tongues to match. Surprise and terror made them hesitate, easy prey.

"Yoh-katana Hinata! Shinmeiryu Zanmaken Ni-no-Tachi! In Celebration of Elegant Meido Swordswoman AngelGARd's First Kiss With Her Magus Albus Ojou-sama Strike!"

The Ominous Blade cut through the air, its attack passing through the helpless without harm to tear apart the dark creatures behind them.

Heroic Spirits do not hesitate. Neither are they easy prey.

"What are these things?" Lancer cried in surprise, defending himself from a dark monstrosity that set off too many alarm bells with Kuro's description of tentacle monsters still so fresh on his mind.

"Evil," Archer growled. "Destroy them indiscriminately." He raised his voice to be heard over the confusion. "If it's not Servant, Master or human, KILL IT!"

"How do you know this!" Rin demanded, throwing cheap quarts crystals around like candy as she used them to make small explosions, maiming, driving back or occasionally killing the things that attacked her. "You keep telling us you have amnesia!"

"Partial amnesia!" Archer cried. "Emphasis on partial! Destroy them now, before–"

There was another roar, and a gigantic black worm that looked quite phallic reared against the sky, its form surrounded by demonic shapes that became absorbed into it, its body noticeably growing disproportionately larger for the mass it absorbed. It was easily a hundred feet high and about four hundred feet long. Abruptly, the Invaders they were fighting paused, beginning to lift up into the air and join the worm.

"– that," Archer finished numbly. He face palmed. "Idiot me."

...

Zouken looked up from Penthouse as he heard multiple sonic booms from clear across town, followed by the roar. "Well, that can't be good…" he mused, pulling up his pants.

There was a click in one of the rooms upstairs, where no one should definitely be. Frowning, he went to investigate. Maybe it would be a good day, and someone had broken into the house. He could use a new body…

...

"Hells bells," Assassin said, staring out over the city from where he stood on top of the gate he was bound to. "Stars and stones!"

"Great Furies," Caster Minoris agreed. "Great crow-begotten Furies!"

"There's a giant black penis sticking out of the city!" Assassin exclaimed.

Caster Minoris paused. "I'm pretty sure it's some kind of giant worm-like creature," he ventured.

Assassin thought about this. "Yeah, I suppose that make sense too."

They looked at each other.

"Either way, it's probably a bad thing," Assassin said.

Caster stepped up to the gate and stared. "Suddenly, I wish my fiancé was here…" she said, her tone strange.

The two Second-grade Servants looked at each other again.

"Then again, your interpretation may have some merit…" Caster Minoris conceded.

...

"It is official," Kuro said, staring up at the giant worm creature. "We have crossed the Gojira Threshold."

Archer winced, and eyed what he could see of the bay warily, but no other kaiju rose up to ruin their day. Thank goodness for small favors.

"Out of curiosity, who wants to run?" Lancer asked.

Everyone in the yard raised their hands.

"So this is exactly as bad as I think it is?" he continued.

They all nodded.

Lancer gave this thought.

Archer coughed. "This might be slightly irrelevant, but if we manage to kill this thing, there's a good chance of us becoming more famous, thus increasing our power."

Lancer gave this some more thought. "No chance we could just run away?"

Saber gave him a level look.

The giant worm's skin suddenly erupted, all sort of vaguely gun-barrel-like postules sticking up and aimed at the school.

"SHIELDS UP, SHIELD UP!" Kuro cried.

Blasts of kinetic force rained down at a rate to make Persian bowmen proud.

"Practe Bigi Naru! Soei-Jutsu!"

Black threads suddenly erupted, streaking above the school at the speed of thought and weaving together to form an enormous pure-black shield, blocking the blasts as people screamed in surprise, then murmured in confusion at the sudden turn of events.

Everyone turned in surprise to look at the source of the threads.

A figure stood on top of the Archery Club dojo, wearing the standard girl's uniform of the school. She looked to be about 156 cm tall, with dimensions probably around B85/W56/H87. Her white hair blew dramatically in the wind, black wings erupting from her back, red eyes obscured by the black domino mask she wore, which rendered conclusively identifying her nearly impossible without a confession. A large brown book hovered over one hand, while her other hand was thrown outward, the black threads growing from her shadow wrapped around her forearm and extending forward to the shield. Even as they watched, the shadows began to cover her clothes, changing it into something like loli-goth wear in pure black.

"EH?" Illya cried, eyes bugging out. "A NEW MAGICAL GIRL HAS ARRIVED?-!"

"Hurry!" the girl cried. "I won't be able to hold up this shield much longer!"

Archer hefted his sword. "You heard the lady. Let's go!"

"We're really fighting? Are you nuts?" Lancer said, though from his tone and the way he was hefting his spear, he was just being contrary.

"We're Heroic Spirits," Archer said. "What part of 'heroic'don't you understand?"

Rin frowned. "That's sorta not what that means…"

Lancer snorted. "Fine. Let's do this. Though I will state for the record this is insane."

"Noted," Saber said, stepping up next to them and readying her invisible sword.

Berserker growled, the sound echoing in the bones.

Archer had to smile. "Cheer up. We have someone who specializes in insane."

"Oh good. That makes me feel so much better," Lancer said sarcastically.

"It should…"

Lancer glared at him. "Shouldn't you be too insane to think straight, much les talk?"

The armored head tilted, and the play of light, shadows and reflections made it smile. "You misapprehend the meaning of 'insane'…"

The Masters all hung back, though the girls had to keep a death grip on Shiro to accomplish this. "We'll wait for an opportune moment!" Luvia called to them.

Kuro pointed dramatically as she and Illya joined their ranks. "Fated Knights of Fuyuki City, ready for action!"

"Oh, we're knights now?" Lancer said.

Archer coughed. "Actually, I am. Knighted five times over. Once in Ibayamia, once in Markovia, once in Kaznia, once in Great Britain, and once by King Artur."

Saber gave him a flat look. "You don't say. When was this?"

"Like I'd really tell you."

"So that's two of us…" Saber said, still looking at Archer warily. He valiantly resisted the urge to whistle.

Trespasser, he'd forgotten how hot she was when she was worked up!

Lancer sighed. "Three."

Saber looked at Berserker. "Any chance you are too?"

The head tilted again, the shadows smiling once more.

"Of course he is," Lancer sighed.

"Any time now!" the mysterious girl said.

Archer pointed dramatically with his sword, causing much droolage among the women and making several boys insecure about their sexuality. "Fate Knights, attack!"

They charged.

"Wait, who made you leader?" Lancer cried.

...

Rider and Shinji landed in the back yard of the Matou house. As soon as Pegasus managed to set foot on the ground, Shinji fell off the creature's back, falling face-first on the ground.

Rider sighed, regretting the lack of manure.

Shinji pushed himself to his feet, growling as he rushed to the back door. He needed to leave, to hide, something! He'd been lucky they weren't followed, but that giant worm thing probably meant superheroes and more magical girls, and given how he'd been so publicly accused they'd hunt him down for sure! He needed to run!

He tore through the darkened confines of the house, dodging obstacles from memory as Rider followed more leisurely, feeling weak from her power expenditure. She checked the refrigerator. Sakura, bless her, had left several peeled orange wedges, humming with prana, with a cute little note reminding her to wash her hands before eating.

She did, carrying the bowl with her and popping oranges into her mouth as she sedately made her way up.

Shinji was rushing up the stairs, heading for his room, when he rounded the corner and screamed.

A pile of his grandfather's clothes lay in the middle of the hall, filled with twitching worms, many already dead and dying. The stench was horrible.

As Shinji began to comprehend what had happened, there was the sound of a footstep behind him, and he turned, only to be struck by the butt of sword, stunning him and sending him reeling to he ground.

The tall, pink-haired figure with large… tracts of land looked down on him with shining golden eyes, the black folds of her knight armor moved a bit stiffly, like leather, as she knelt down, the Book of Darkness in hand, tinged red from the glow of the shining crimson lines that traced patterns on the black metal plates of her armor.

"Download," Signum said, voice cold and empty, and Shinji contorted in agony as a Linker Core was ripped from him…

His Book of False Attendant caught fire and was a destroyed as the miniscule amounts of energy of the worms it was made of was drained as well…

Downstairs, Rider's head snapped up as her connection to the book was broken. Power filled her as she was properly linked to her True Master once more. She grinned…

Shinji began to scream in agony.

Rider considered this an appropriate soundtrack.

Movement behind her. She spun, catching the mallet in her chain, diverting it sideways, then with the speed that was her highest stat and the strength that was her second highest she sent her small attacker flying into the back yard with a kick, slamming into and through the wall next to the still-open door.

Her attacker stood up quickly, her dead-black dress with crimson traceries unmarred as she glared at Rider with hateful golden eyes filled with rage. Her hat was askew, the depictions of skulls on it pulling it slightly off.

Rider grinned, drew in her now-raging power, and used the still-open wound she had to once more summon her mount…

The kitchen exploded as she streaked into the air, leaving the still screaming Shinji behind.

Your true Master will need your wings soon…

"Archer…" she murmured. "Who are you…?"

...

Sakura jerked as a sudden rush of power, unconnected to the shield spell she was holding, left her, flying out somewhere else. "Kaze-neechan…?"

I… I think you just became reconnected to Rider…

Shock ran through Sakura, destabilizing her concentration, and causing the shield to weaken. The unrelenting kinetic force attacks of the worm began to break through…

Fortunately, she was covered.

"Trace on!" Kuro cried, manifesting her black bow, as large as Archer's own and near-identical. A sword malformed into a spiral appeared in her other hand. "Caladbolg II!"

"Trace on," Archer cried, also taking a shooting stance next to her. "Hrunting!"

The two sword arrows flew from their bows, the latter quickly breaking the sound barrier, engulfed in red light, creating a line of light in the air in the split second it took to pierce through the shadow wall and explode violently on the worm, Caladbolg flying through the hole it had made and exploding as well a moment later.

Illya took to the air, getting around the shield and swinging Ruby. "Maximal Schneiden!" she cried, the pure mass of magical energy launching forward in a cutting attack. A line explode against the worm's body, making it's upper body jerk, but the wound quickly began to close over with darkness, even as the wounds the two swords had caused began to close.

This, however, had caused the worm to cease its bombardment, it's mouth opening into a nightmare of serrated teeth as it roared in pain. It undulated forwards, it's head snapping down to consume the still-fleeing students, who hadn't been able to leave the school yet.

From on top of the flagpole Illya had abandoned, Berserker thrust out one hand, mind focused on his goal. Vengeance. Justice. Protect the innocent. Punish the guilty. "Noble Phantasm," he rasped. "Son of Fortune…"

The world warped before him as the worm was suddenly intercepted by a giant black robot, demonic black wing spreading as it grappled the worm, while Berserker bounded into the robot's cockpit. The robot's eyes began to glow as, now full under Berserker's control, it began to mutate, its form shifting to grow the same strange curves and spikes from Berserker's armor as dark navy blue traceries began to appear on it.

Rin, Luvia, Shiro, Kuro, Illya, Saber, Lancer and Sakura's mouths dropped open. "EEEHHHHHHHHHHH?-!-?-!-?-!-?-!-?-!-?-!-?-!-?-!-?-!-?-! WHAT THE HELL?-!-?-!-?-!-?-!-?-!-?-!-?-!-?-!-?-!-?-!"

Archer sighed in fond reminiscence. "Other heroes often ask…" he sang, "why is he always the top cat…! Damn his money."

The robot pushed the worm back, one arm drawing back to land a literally earthshaking punch into the beast, a punch augmented by the fist actually exploding from the knuckle bombs on it. The hand was ejected, the ruined appendage dissolving into nothing as it hit the ground, another one slotting into place.

The worm drew back, tensing its body, darting forward once more. The Berserker-mecha intercepted it again, but before it could attack, black blades erupt from the worm's upper body, spinning at cutting force. The blades tore into the mecha with shrieks of agonized metal, tearing off it's arms and seriously damaging it's torso. It's mouth opened wide, several mouth tipped tentacles erupting from it to begin savagely attacking the mecha. The mecha's back exploded as an escape pod was released, Berserker leaping out and spreading its cape to catch the air and flow back safely to the ground. The mecha shuddered and faded away as the hand had, leaving nothing behind. There was the smell of bleach in the air.

"Now what?" Lancer cried.

"Keep hammering at it!" Archer cried. "These things have red central control cores! If you destroy that, the whole thing dies!"

"Where would these cores be?" Saber asked.

"Anywhere."

"Well, that's not the least bit helpful," Lancer said.

The Worm's tentacles lashed down, only to meet a wall of black ribbons as Sakura tried to hold them back. Swords exploded as Archer and Kuro did their thing, taking down three of the heads as Illya's cutting attack took off two more. Saber managed to take down one head before the whole thing drew back in pain. The worm's blades drew back into its body, to be replaced by more blaster postules.

The air cracked in a sonic boom once more, knocking the worm back slightly with it's force as Rider flew by.

"Rider?" Lancer exclaimed, surprised. "What's she doing back?"

The streak of light that was Rider and her mount turned, abruptly hovering in the air. It was a pure white horse, with wide wings spread, a golden bridle binding it, held in Rider's hands.

"RIDER!" Sakura cried in fear.

Rider reached up, and took off her blindfold.

Stillness.

Above them, the worm began to turn to stone, it's lower body writhing wildly. The pertrification moved ever downwards.

"Is she on our side now?" Shiro asked, confused.

The worm stopped moving, completely turned to stone.

Everyone sighed. Rider put her blindfold back on.

The stone worm began to creak.

"OH, COME ON!" Kuro cried.

Archer growled. "It's not completely organic or living, so Cybele must not have as total an effect on it. We have to destroy it now, while it's still–"

"I am the core of my sword…"

Archer jerked, staring at Sakura, who still stood on the Archery Dojo. Her arms were spread to either side, the book hovering in front of her now, eyes slightly closed as she read from its pages.

"Strong is my body, and magic is my blood," she continued, "I wield over a thousand spells! Unknowing of despair, unyielding to surrender, I have withstood solitude in defiance of darkness! And yet these hands shall never cease learning…"

"Oh, you have got to be kidding me…" Arhcer moaned, putting his face in his hands.

Kuro blinked. "Is that…?"

"Yes, it is," Archer said. "Now you know how I feel."

"And thus, I create," Sakura cried, "my UNLIMITED BLADE WORKS!"

Cherry blossoms exploded from her, spreading outward in an expanding circle. The sky, once partly cloudy, changed to an endless blue. The sun stood at the horizon, and the cool breezes of dawn blew. Trees surrounded them, from which weapons hung like fruits, ringing like wind chimes as the struck each other, pushed by the breeze. The few remaining students stared at the sight, frantically scanning everything with their cellphones.

Sakura held out her hand, facing the twitching stone worm, which looked like it was trying to topple over. "Trace, on! Zankanken! Battleship Slicing Sword!"

A monstrous sword appeared from the air, its grip thicker around then the girl's body, forcing her to hold it by a seemingly decorative curl. The blade was easily ten meters wide and fifty long, yet she spun it easily, leaping to an inhuman height in one leap, rising above the worm and a surprised Rider.

"Trace, on!" Sakura cried again, and another sword appeared in her hand, a nodachi. "Shinmeiryu Zanmaken Ni-no-Tachi! In Celebration of Elegant Meido Swordswoman AngelGARd's First Kiss With Her Magus Albus Ojou-sama Strike!"

There was a thunderous crash and a storm of wind as power howled, gigantic sword descending, utterly destroying the stone worm, which began to dissolve away.

Sakura plummeted to Earth as she let both swords dissolve, the wings on her back slowing her down at the last moment as she landed before the staring group of Masters, Servants and Magical Girls.

"WHO THE HELL ARE YOU!-?-!-?-!-?-!-?-!-?-!-?-!" Kuro cried.

She smiled. "Just a passing through Magical Girl."

Archer gave her a flat look. "Jack Rakan would be proud."

...

- To be continued...

...

A/N: having a little crack with Caster. It's fun! I couldn't really go with her evil bitch characterization, now could I?

...

Omake: In The News

...

The door to the room slammed open and Kotaro came rushing in, panting. "NEGI!" he cried, pointing frantically back the way he came. "You have got to come see this!"

Asuna, Setsuna, Konoka, Negi and Chamo followed Kotaro, confused but rushing because of the urgency in his voice. He led them to the room he shared with Chizuru, Ayaka and his girlfriend. The former two were gone for club activities, but the room was packedwith Ala Alba, staring at a news report.

"For those of you just tuning in," the newscaster conveniently said, "Fuyuki City was rocked today by it's first monster attack in recent history. Though already known as containing the Magical Girls Kaleido Ruby and Kaleido Sapphire, as well as the mysterious 'Dark Ruby', its Homurabara Gakuen was today the scene of both an infiltration by the forces of evil and a giant monster attack! Matou Shinji, who his close friends describe as 'an asshole' was implicated by Kaleido Ruby as being either possessed by forces of evil, or being an imposter. Shortly after he was unmasked, the school was attacked by a highly Freudian Phallic monster."

The scene switched to what was apparently a cell phone video, showing a large, tubular creature. For some reason, the girls in the room began darting glances at Negi, who was completely entranced at the news article.

The video then cut to another one. The scenery had changed somehow, and the worm had turned to stone– again more sidelong looks at Negi– and a girl was the focus of the shot, clad in black loligoth and masked, obviously a Magical Girl.

"Trace, on! Zankanken! Battleship Slicing Sword!"

Everybody blinked.

"Please tell me that's not Rakan's daughter or something," Chisame moaned.

"She certainly jumps like Rakan-san," Negi noted.

"Trace, on!" the girl cried again, and another sword appeared in her hand, a nodachi. "Shinmeiryu Zanmaken Ni-no-Tachi! In Celebration of Elegant Meido Swordswoman AngelGARd's First Kiss With Her Magus Albus Ojou-sama Strike!""

Setsuna paled in purest horror. Somehow, she also managed to blush so as so make stoplights seem dull.

"What was that?-!-?-!" everyone else exclaimed.

Fortunately, the channel decided to run the clip again.

"Shinmeiryu Zanmaken Ni-no-Tachi! In Celebration of Elegant Meido Swordswoman AngelGARd's First Kiss With Her Magus Albus Ojou-sama Strike!""

Setsuna began to pull her blazer over her head as everyone slowly turned to look at her.

"Please kill me now…" she whimpered.

"Aw, Set-chan!" Konok cried, enfolding her best friend in a hug. She kissed her cheek to try and make her feel better.

Setsuna twitched, eyes rolling back and on the verge of fainting.

Negi and Konoka's phones both rang. Asuna fished it out of Konoka's pocket since she was busy and she and Negi answered.

"It's the headmaster," Negi said, holding the phone out to Setsuna. "He says congratulations for finally getting the nerve to go for it and wants to talk to you."

"It's Eishun-san," Asuna said, also holding the phone out. "He says congratulations, though he wondered how both the name and the technique got around, but says he can teach you the full, proper version once he's satisfied you'll do right by Konoka."

Setsuna's eyes rolled back completely and she fainted into Konoka's arms. She didn't seem to mind.

Asuna put the phone back to her ear. "She just fainted, Ferret-Lantern-san. Thanks for calling!"

"Master, I'm not sure that was such a good idea," Negi said, over the sound of Evangeline laughing herself sick coming from his phone…

...

END!

...

It's a really long chapter, so please review, okay? Please?

Until next time, this is Shadow, signing off.