Author: Frodo Baggins of Bag End (FBoBE/"Febobe")
Title: Joy From Ashes
Challenge: Crack Me Up
Rating: PG-13 (see Warnings).
Pairing/Characters: Frodo, Gandalf, Sam; brief appearances by Pippin, Merry, Legolas, Gimli; brief reference to Aragorn, surprise special character appearance in final chapter. Various OCs. Primarily a Frodo and Gandalf fic.
Warnings: Graphic medical detail. No sex, no slash, no profanity (unless you count one incidence of "bloody"). Movieverse. Also, I think this goes without saying for the Crack Me Up challenge, but - WAY AU. I mean WAY.
Summary: Following the Quest, a gravely injured Frodo is taken by Gandalf into the 21st century, where Frodo finds life-saving aid. . .and small pleasures unlooked-for.
Author's Notes: This fic, originally written for the Waymeet Crack Me Up Challenge, is dedicated to SurgicalSteel and Riddlemaster, without whom this story would not have come together. An extra-special thank-you goes to both lovely ladies for their openness to questions, tireless answers, and general good-natured encouragement of the author. In addition, a gold star goes to SurgicalSteel for her medical beta and snarky medical dialogue work, without which this fic would not be what it is. If you like those bits, hug her. (If you like the medicine, hug both these ladies. I don't know what I'd do without them.)

CHAPTER SIX

Abruptly Frodo woke.

Something felt different.

Something didn't feel right this time.

Almost at once he realised what it was, and frantically he pressed the little red button to ring for his nurse.

He needed a chamber-pot, and it could NOT wait.

Something else felt wrong, too. . .his stomach was cramping, and the room seemed hot. Too hot.

"What is it, Mr. Baggins?" The nurse came around the curtain to the foot of his bed, eyes dimming with concern as she caught sight of him. "Are you all right?"

Frodo shook his head. "Please, I - I - need to - relieve myself - "

"You have a catheter in; you're fine - "

"No. The other."

This she seemed to understand. "I'll get you a bedpan." He heard some movement as she left his range of sight - he felt too weak to turn his head to watch - and a moment later she returned with an uncomfortable-looking pan. "If you can roll onto your hip a little, I'll slide this beneath you."

To his relief, she moved to help him as he turned, then slipped the pan beneath his bottom and helped him sit on it securely. How humiliating this was! How he wished he could at least do this for himself - or, at worst, have Sam there to help him; Sam had nursed him through a terrible stomach flu once before, and had seen his master in compromising situations more than once.

He groaned as he felt hot semi-liquid substance rush out from his backside.

The nurse - Susan, he could see her name badge - returned with a thermometer and loosened his gown at the shoulder as they all did when checking his vitals. "Mr. Baggins, I'm going to get your temperature, all right? I know you're not feeling well right now, but I need to see whether we ought to call your doctor."

Vaguely Frodo nodded, allowing her to insert the probe between his arm and side. Another rush of semi-liquid. He felt humiliated to be using the chamber-vessel right there in front of a lady, but what alternative did he have?

It seemed to take a long time before the device beeped, and when it did, Susan looked concerned.

"Mr. Baggins, will you be all right for a moment while I go call your doctor?" Frodo nodded. "All right. I'll be right back to get you cleaned up."

That seemed to take even longer - not that Frodo minded; the urge to go was strong, and another attack came while she was away, though mercifully it seemed to have passed for the moment by the time she returned. Carefully she helped him roll off the pan, then began to clean him up with a gentle touch, using soft tissue and some kind of damp wipes that felt soft against Frodo's aching bottom. When at last she finished, she helped him return to his position on his back.

"Now you just tell me if you need the bedpan again, and I'll help you."

Frodo nodded faintly. "Is - is this usual? I haven't eaten anything to cause it - "

She shook her head. "It isn't unheard of, but it isn't supposed to happen. The doctor will be here soon to check you out, maybe order you some meds. Try to rest in the meantime."

Rest was not easy when the meantime included another attack of diarrhea. To Frodo's embarrassment, the nurse was still cleaning him up when a young woman walked up to the bed, a white coat over pale green trousers and smock. In a most matter-of-fact matter, she waited for the nurse to turn him back over, then pulled back his gown and began pressing lightly around the tubing going into him just below his collarbone.

"Does that hurt, Mr. Baggins?"

He shook his head. It felt strange, but not tender or painful.

"Are you having any pain anywhere?"

"My stomach."

"Show me."

Frodo gestured generally over his belly, and she placed one hand over the other, beginning to press gently over his tummy. When that didn't seem to cause him to do more than shift a little uncomfortably, she seemed pleased, nodding, and looked up at the nurse.

"Let's get a temp on him now, along with a portable chest to be on the safe side. I'll go ahead and write for acetaminophen suppositories, children's strength. Once the chest film's back, I'll write for his antibiotics. It's probably C. diff, but best to be sure."

Frodo listened, uncertain what they meant, feeling all the more nervous for it. The instructions given, the doctor bent over his bed and smiled gently. "Just take it easy, Mr. Baggins. We're going to see what's causing this and try to clear it up."

"Thank you."

"And in the meantime we're going to try and get you comfortable." She straightened, patting his uninjured hand lightly. "Try to rest. They'll be up to do your x-ray soon, and then you should be able to get some sleep again. Sorry to disturb you."

"It's all right." He watched as she went off in the direction the nurse had gone. A few minutes later, Susan returned, carrying something.

"Let's turn you back over for your Tylenol, Mr. Baggins." She helped him turn onto his side once more, and he felt her hands inserting something cool and solid but not painfully hard. Then she helped him turn back over and moved away; he could hear her washing her hands at the sink on the wall before she returned to his bedside. "Do you need anything else?"

"Please. . .it's too hot in here. . .is there anything you can do about that?"

"Let's see if this makes you feel a little better." She returned to the sink and cupboard, and he could hear water running. A few minutes later she came back with a cool, damp cloth, which she folded across his forehead. "Is that any help?"

"Oh, yes. . .thank you. Better." Closing his eyes, he sighed softly.

"Try to rest. I'll let you know when x-ray is here."

-to be continued soon-