6. Barely Legal Indian Boy
browniechadowes: Yes I know the politically correct phrase is "Native American" but for some reason, it just didn't have the same ring to it… and for a similarly selfish reason I find the word Indian just slightly sexier than Native American, so sue me. If Stephenie Meyer can have her wet dreams of under-agedness, so can I! *ends rant, panting and swearing she is not a Jacob fangirl*
Cafeteria:
Jessica: So what did Edward Cullen want yesterday? Couldn't be your virginity. You gave that up a long time ago, you maggot in my expired mashed potatoes.
Bella: I don't know. Me, me, me! He wanted me. Oh glorious day!
Jessica: You looked kind of mad. He probably asked you for a blow job, and only had five bucks on him at the time… you are the hose to my enema.
Bella: Did I? Mmmm yes, I was hot and bothered. Damn it to hell, Stephenie, I am completely infatuated/obsessed now, aren't I?
Stephenie:Yeeeeeeessssss…oh yeeeesssss. Wah hah, my little minion.
Jessica: That was weird. You're fucking weird. Die, weirdo, die. You are the infected toenail to my pedicure.
Bella: *Ignoring mutinous Jessica death glare* Weird.
La Push:
Mike: Will you ride my cock?
Bella: ?
Mike: *coughs* will you ride in my car?
Bella: *ignoring creepy face* Sure.
Mike: Watch the fire. Watch the colors *claps hands in toddler fashion*
Bella: It's blue. Is that supposed to fucking impress me? I am depressed. Manflesh Edward isn't showing up.
Bella's inner monologue: Okay, I am now going to tantalizingly describe Jacob Black. *clears throat* glossy black hair, beautiful skin, silky and russet, dark eyes, high cheekbones, very pretty face… wait, why didn't I describe Edward in that much detail… Uh oh, think I'm becoming a Jacob shipper.
Jacob: You're Isabella Swan.
Bella: God damn him, he used my full name. I now mark him as a friend, and he shall only ever be my friend, nothing more, not even if Edward left me, or if I were freezing to death and he heated me up to keep me from frostbite, or if I liked kissing his sultry underage lips…Hypothetically speaking, of course. Edward called me Bella, not Isabella, therefore I am destined to love him FOREVER… *screams* where's my lover love?
Lauren: *making first cameo bitch appearance* You know Bella, Jacob? Tramp, of course you know him. Jessica was right. She is a fucking slut. She is the cottage cheese consistency pus in my wound. Oh no, spending too much time around Jessica. You invited Edward. Whore.
Sam? (maybe Sam, maybe some other random Quileute): The Cullens don't come here… bum, bum, buuuuuuummmmmm *orchestra tremolo*
Scheming!Bella: Mwa ha, going to attempt to flirt. *strikes pose with ass in the air*What was that about the doctor's family? *bats eyes furiously, causing her eyes to well up with tears as she trips on a piece of driftwood*
Jacob: ? Going to ignore that weirdness. Is she epileptic? Probably should change subject before she hurts herself. You like scary stories?
Scheming!Bella: I love you.
Jacob: ?
Bella: *clears throat* I love them.
Jacob: Okay, so Stephenie makes this really drawn out *licks finger while thumbing through manuscript* and I honestly don't give a fuck. To summarize this bitch up, werewolves hate "the cold ones" aka vampires. Kapeesh? Good.
Stephenie: Way to mutilate the suspense, and that's another two pages killed by the summary factor. *pouting, and toying with her tazer*
Jacob: *rolls eyes* You don't need all of that shit. Not that suspenseful.
Bella: You're a good storyteller. Mmmm vampire, vampire. And there's no way that werewolves will at all be central to the plot at any time, so I'm just going to hyper focus on the fact that the guy I am in lover love with wants to eat me. That's hot.
Jacob: Is that your boyfriend? *staring at Mike, who was now making pouty sexy face at Bella while stroking his ass*
Bella: No, definitely not. And thanks! For telling me all of the secrets that you were supposed to keep hidden. Ahhh *twiddling fingers* the power of flirtiness against barely legal Indian boys. Mmmm, wonder how he is with a loofa… Arghh, bad thoughts!
