'Welcome once again, you fantastic audience, to the greatest show in the universe. Tonight I, Jack of Team Starburst-'
'STARBREAKER. IT'S STARBREAKER. IT'S YOUR OWN FREAKING TEAM; HOW CAN YOU POSSIBLY GET YOUR OWN FREAKING TEAM'S NAME WRONG-'
The disembodied voice was cut off by a sharp dagger thrown in his direction, and Jack continued as if nothing had happened.
'-Jack of Team Sawsbuck interview two very special boys!'
Behind where Nile and Kyouya were seated, a rainbow-pattered banner imprinted with two interlinked symbols that represent male unrolled out of nowhere.
'This really is a special show! Tonight we will have these two newly weds very first official interview!'
'What.' Kyouya glared while Nile began to groan, holding his head in his hands.
'So, come on! Tell us what it's like to be married! We're all dying to know!'
Kyouya sighed deeply. 'Listen here, you crazy tranny, the absolute only reason I agreed to appear again on this STUPID show is because you stole my Rock Leone and said you'd only give it back if I came here again. But I made absolutely NO PROMISE that I would play along!'
'Seconded. He has my blade too.'
'Well, that's just fantastic! No marital problems whatsoever! It's so nice to see you two so loved up!' Jack completely ignored their reaction.
Nile turned to Kyouya. 'Do you think he's stoned? I think he's stoned.'
'I think he's a fucking lunatic.'
'What's that Nile? Kyouya definitely knows how to rattle a headboard? Oh Kyouya, you absolute dog!'
'Y'know, I think he's just going to keep talking regardless of how we respond.' Nile folded his arms.
'YOU TWO ARE SO PERFECT FOR EACH OTHER THAT I CAN BARELY STAND IT NOW YOU WILL ACT LIKE A COUPLE OR GOD SO HELP YOU!'
And out of absolutely nowhere, fruity music started to play, more banners unrolled from the ceiling (this time various shades of pink and orange), and Jack jumped onto his chair and began to sing.
'THERE'S A PLACE WHERE THE CRAZY MOON MAKES THE MONKEYS SING AND THE BABOONS SWOON AND THE SULTRY SCENT OF THE LOTUS BLOOM WILL CARRY YOU AWAY~'
'What. What is happening. Seriously, what is happening.' Nile asked, completely perplexed, as Kyouya's jaw dropped as Damian suddenly appeared and started throwing pink confetti and oranges at both of them.
'IN YOUPENDIIIIIIIIIIIII~ WHERE THE PASSION FRUIT GROWS SWEET! AND IT'S SO DIVINE THAT YOU LOOSE YOUR MIND AS IT SWEEPS YOU OFF YOUR FEET~'
'GET THE FUCK OFF ME!' Kyouya yelled furiously at Damian, who had just attempted to shove him on top of Nile.
'IN YOUPENDIIIIIIIII~ WITHOUT A WORRY OR A CARE! IT JUST TAKES TWO TO MAKE IT TRUE YOUR HEEEEEEAAAAAARRRRTTTT WILL TAKE YOU THERE!'
With that Damian ran out of the room, the banners rolled back up and Jack sat down again, leaving the two boys completely speechless.
'…What even…' Kyouya shook his head, feeling a migraine coming on.
'…Let's both agree to never speak of it ever again.' Nile suggested.
'Right, let's play a game! Considering you two are just so loved up and all that, let's have ten questions each to see how well you know your lover! First is Nile! What is Kyouya's favourite TV show?'
'He doesn't watch TV.'
'Oh come on, don't be ridiculous. Everybody watches TV! Kyouya, tell him your favourite TV show.'
'I don't watch TV.'
'Fantastic! It's like a miracle born out of two odd hearts that just huddled together! Kyouya – describe Nile's ideal date.'
'FUCK. OFF.'
'Kyouya, may I remind you that I do have your Rock Leone hostage and it happens to be in a very special place.'
'…'
'…'
Nile's eyes suddenly widened. 'Oh God; he's shoved it up his ass, hasn't he?'
'WHAT-'
'ANSWER THE QUESTION, KYOUYA. WHAT IS NILE'S IDEAL DATE?'
'YOU – MY – BEYBLADE – WHAT –'
'ANSWER. THE QUESTION.'
'OH FU - …SOMEWHERE IN EGYPT?' Kyouya gasped. 'Some Egyptian crap…? Oh fuck, my poor Leone…'
'Nile, is he correct?'
'What if I give you twenty dollars? Will you let both us and our Blades go if I give you twenty dollars?' Nile asked.
'How dare you think I'd be bribed! If you're not going to take this seriously, there will be disturbing consequences for both of you. Now, tell me how you two first met. Was it love at first sight?'
'WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS? WHAT DID I DO TO YOU? I THOUGHT IT WAS TSUBASA YOU DIDN'T LIKE?' Kyouya cried.
'Kyouya calm down. The more you freak out, the happier he gets. Just pretend nothing's happening.'
'MY BLADE IS UP HIS ASS. I CAN'T UNSEE THAT NILE.'
'How romantic~ Nile fell into your arms, Kyouya, and you two knew you'd found your soul mate! As long as you had each other you swore you'd be eternally happy! And then you went home and fucked like rabbits.' He glanced at Nile.
'Or those tiny rodents you find in the Sahara; they look like they get around quite a bit too.'
'Jack, this is my final offer. Either let us go or I will be forced to use my ANCIENT EGYPTIAN LASER BEAMS ON YOU.'
Kyouya stared at Nile.
'Wait, what-'
'I'M WARNING YOU JACK, HAND OVER OUR BEYS AND LET US GO OR YOU ARE IN FOR A WORLD OF PAIN-'
'Oooh, go ahead. I mean – you're right, Nile, I've been a very bad boy. Go on - zap me! Zap me with your laser beams!'
'…Fuck, I forgot he's too kinky to threaten with pain. Well, guess it's down to this: EITHER LET US GO OR FACE THE CURSE OF THE MUMMY'S TOMB! TOMORROW MORNING YOU WILL WAKE UP AND YOUR HEAD WILL LEAVE THE PILLOW – BUT YOUR HAIR WILL STAY THERE!'
Jack's hands flew defensively to his precious scarlet locks.
'Y-you're bluffing!'
'Are you willing to take that risk?' Nile raised an eyebrow.
'Fine! Fine! Have your stupid Beyblades – you two are going to have hideous children anyway!'
AFTER SOME ROOTING AROUND IN A VERY DELICATE PLACE WHICH ACTUALLY CAUSED KYOUYA TATEGAMI TO CRY
'…Why are our Beys covered with a multi-coloured liquid?' Nile asked hesitantly.
'Oh, that's my just my jizz. It's the colour of the rainbow.'
'Of course it is.' Nile gritted his teeth and let his Bey fall to the ground with a clatter, whilst wiping his hands furiously in his trousers. 'Of fucking course it is.'
Iunno if I like it or not.
Next: Team Excalibur! And yes, Jack will annoy the shit out of Julian; I hate that cocky bastard.
Trublue, if you wanna leave your OC details on this fic go ahead.
Thank you to everyone who reviewed. For the next chapter, Jack will personally reply to them )3
