I have to admit it. I was a stalker. I knew every class he was in and where each classroom was located. Every single after school activity he participated in...a

member of S.A.D.D. the Pioneer Players (the drama club), and yearbook committee. Not to mention sports...track, basketball and baseball. I watched him and hid

from him. My crush was getting out of control.

I would look for him every time I was in the halls and prayed he wouldn't see me mooning after him.

I watched him date a different girl, what seemed like, every other week. Tanya, Lauren, Jessica, Lizzy, Rachel to name a few. The list goes on and on.

When I wasn't working, I would go to his games or meets and watch him. He was so graceful and so good at everything he did. I would have joined one of the clubs

he was in, but I had made the commitment to work, so that was out. Besides, I needed the money more at this point. I wanted to get a cell phone.

The only time I really got to see him and he saw me was when he would play the piano for the choir at concerts. He played the piano like a master. It would send

chills down my spine, listening to him play. And I loved watching his hands move over the keys, gliding, stroking...caressing. God! It was so sensual. I wanted his

hands on me.

It was during this time of hide and seek with my unrequited crush, that I started pulling away from Alice. I didn't want to go to her house and see him. I definitely

didn't want to spend a lot of time with Alice and Jasper...exploring their new love for each other. And quite frankly, Emmett and Rosalie scared me...they were too

perfect, beautiful and popular for the likes of me.

So I pulled away...or tried to, but Alice wouldn't let me go too far. We agreed that we would hang out on the days I didn't have to clean...Wednesdays and Saturdays.

Just the two of us. Doing whatever, girl stuff, talking, catching up, gossiping.

I lived for my Alice days!

I started spending lunch time in the library. That's how I met Karen. She was an enigma to me. She barely talked, but she could get her point across to you. She had

this goth/emo vibe about her. Her hair was white, with chunky electric blue streaks in it. It was razor cut, and dead straight and hung down to her shoulder blades.

She was really pretty, but she wore her makeup heavy. With so much eyeliner and mascara, her eyes almost looked like little black holes in her face. Her clothes

were all black with absolutely no colors. She also wore a black dog collar with silver studs, and matching cuffs, and silver rings on every finger and both of her

thumbs. Karen also had several piercings...one in her nose, eyebrow, 10 in her left ear, five in her right, her belly button and a couple that you couldn't see, which I

admit, intrigued me.

Although we were so physically different, Karen got me. She understood things that Alice never could. I think she had an abusive parent too. It doesn't have to be

physical abuse, it could be emotional too.

Karen is the one who introduced me to a different world...a different outlook...a different coping mechanism. Karen introduced me to a whole slew of different drugs.

Some would make me happy and hyper, make my heart race. Some caused me to be lethargic, some made me feel like nothing could touch me or bother me, and

some, the hallucinogenic, made me see crazy ass shit and scared me senseless. I tried everything at least once. Most of it I hated, but weed, well, it gave me a nice

buzz and blurred the edges. Everyone's insults just rolled off of me when I was smoking weed. Edward's harem faded away into insignificance when I was stoned. Life

was, not better, but at least more tolerable.

Through Karen I met Marcus. He was beautiful in his own way. His hair was a little long and pitch black. He had really pale skin, like me, like he never went into the

sun. His eyes were naturally brown, but he preferred wearing these red contacts, and he never left home without eyeliner on. He also, only wore black clothes, black

leather jacket and black army boots.

I really couldn't figure out what Marcus saw in me, but he seemed to like me. Enough to talk to me, laugh with me, hold my hand and hug me.

We spent a lot of time in the hall where all the shop classes were held, called "E" hall. We would spend lunch period with Karen, and another guy named Aro, sitting

on the floor, in the hall, picking apart our food, talking, and laughing. Marcus would usually have me sit in between his legs with his arms around me, and a lot of

times he would softly kiss me. His lips were so soft, and made my heart beat harder. When I was with him, I almost forgot about Edward. Almost.

But Marcus was a gentlemen, and never pushed me to do anything else. He seemed to enjoy kissing me almost as much I enjoyed him kissing me.

After a while I saw a pattern emerge, of when Marcus would most often kiss me. He was most attentive when Aro was around.

Aro was another goth/emo, and like Karen, didn't really talk to anyone. He just sat with us and listened to the rest of us talk and joke around. He definitely never

approached us either, Marcus, usually invited him to hang with us, and with a shrug he would.

After some soul-searching, and questioning of Marcus' motives I was quite certain. I knew what was going on and surprisingly I wasn't hurt by it. Marcus was in love

with Aro. Maybe it was because I still loved Edward, that I could see the yearning and desire in his eyes. I know I couldn't get Edward off my mind, even when Marcus

was kissing me. No matter what I did, no matter how high I got, Edward, was firmly embedded in my heart. My one true desire. And I could see that Marcus also had

a true desire, and it wasn't me.

Marcus and I really need to have a talk about this.

"Hey Marcus" I smiled at him as I took his hand. "Come with me please."

Marcus looked at me confused.

"Marcus, You know I like you? Right?" I asked.

"Uhmm, Yeah Bella, I like you too." he sounded uncomfortable. I knew I was right about this.

"Marcus, I have a feeling, that I'm missing something important. Physically, that you need." I sighed. This was hard! "It's not something that I will ever be able to do

for you. I just don't have all the right parts."

He looked dumbfounded, and color was seeping up his neck into his cheeks. "What are you trying to say, Bella?"

"Marcus, do you find me physically attractive? Or am I safe?"

I could see him struggling to answer my question without hurting me.

"Do you find Aro physically attractive?" I asked softly.

I felt his body stiffen and a look of panic spread over his face. I could see he was going to deny everything, so I gently placed my finger over his lips and shook my

head.

"Marcus, you don't have to answer me...just acknowledge it to yourself and then do whats right for you." I leaned into him and softly kissed his lips. "I gotta get to

class, see you later."

As I walked away, I hoped that Marcus would be able to admit what he wanted and act on it. I realized, too, that if Marcus did figure it out and got together with Aro,

I would be ridiculed. But this was more important. Besides whats one more insult thrown into the mix?

Little did I know.

Marcus and Aro came out, letting everyone who saw them see how much in love they were with each other.

I became the fat, ugly girl who made men gay. How stupid! Ignorant assholes. You're born gay! It's not a decision you make, it's who you are.

The ridicule and insults were worse than I thought, so I started hitting up Karen more often. I swear I don't know how I managed to get through that first marking

period of highschool. I was so stoned all the time.

But manage I did. But something had to give, this was too hard. I needed to get cleaned up. To focus and concentrate on the big picture. I needed to get away from

this shit town and these ass holes.

I decided I needed a better coping technique. I called Alice and asked her what she thought about yoga. She didn't know much.

"I want to take yoga classes, but the only time I have off is Wednesday and Fridays. Seeing as that is our day, I was wondering if you would like to take a yoga class

with me." I brought this up on the next Alice day. "Would you want to do this with me?"

Alice agreed and took care of enrolling us in a class on my available days.

At first it was really hard, but as our bodies became accustomed to the positions and movements, it got easier. I noticed that the last of the baby fat that I had been

carrying around on my small frame was burned off. My muscles were toning up and I looked fit. The only problem was that I was actually more curvy now then

before. Alice called it an hourglass figure...I thought I still came off as being fat.

Alice and her family went away over Christmas break. I wished that I could have gone with them, I longed to get away. I was avoiding Karen, trying to stay clean, so

I was alone over the holidays.

Once we came back from Christmas break all anyone could talk about was the spring formal. This glorious event was happening at the end of March, so was still

almost four months away.

Alice and I had a big project for English that we were working on. We had to get together more often, so that we could work on it. That's how I ended up at the Cullen

house on a Sunday. Of course, Edward, was there but wouldn't know that I was coming over, as I never visited on Sundays.

The look of shock on his face, when he opened the front door...was...heartbreaking. He didn't look happy to see me.

"Isabella? What are you doing here?" he asked.

"Alice and I have a project due that we have to work on." I stated and swept by him and went up the stairs to Alice's room.

I didn't give him a chance to say anything else to me. He hurt me with his attitude at the door.

Alice and I worked for a couple of hours and finished our work. When we went down to the kitchen to get a snack, Esme was pulling brownies out of the oven.

"Oh! Those smell so good! Esme, I haven't had homemade brownies in...forever." I moaned.

"Well, Help yourself! Oh! Edward, do you want a brownie? They just came out of the oven." Esme asked.

Edward had walked in and looked around at all of us. His eyes landed on me as I was reaching for a treat and caught my eye. Then his eyes slid down my body

then back up to my face. When he looked me in the eye again he had a smirk on his face.

I lost my appetite.

"You know what? I got to go!" I said in a rush, and quickly left the kitchen. I practically ran up the stairs to Alice's room to grab my stuff. I needed to get out of here.

As I came back down the stairs, Esme was waiting for me.

"What happened in there, Bella?" She asked.

I shrugged. "I changed my mind. I don't need all those calories. I'm fat enough as it is."

Esme's face looked sad, "Bella, honey, if you want a brownie, one won't hurt you. Besides you're not fat, don't let anyone tell you that. You are a lovely young lady."

I shrugged again and just said "I got to go. See you." And left.

As soon as I was outside and safe from prying eyes, I started crying and I slowly trudged home.