No Need For A Big and Beautiful Woman

By Galaxy1001D.

Tenchi Muyo and all related characters are © AIC/Geneon/Funamation. This story has been written solely for entertainment. The views expressed herein do not necessarily express the opinions of AIC/Geneon/Funamation, the author, or this website.

Chapter Seven: No Need for Insults

The sun shone down on Tenchi's father as he returned home from his business trip. After all that time away it would be good to get home and see what kind of mischief the girls had got themselves in this time. He wondered if Mihoshi and Kiyone had found a new apartment yet. He wondered if his son liked girls and had finally chosen one of the interstellar beauties to be his bride…

While walking along the stone path that led threw the mountains to the Masaki shrine he met Katsuhito along the way. "Hi, Dad!" Nobuyuki waved. "Did anything interesting happen when I was gone?"

"As a matter of fact it did," the old man smiled. "It seems you've got another pretty lady in your house."

"Another one?" Nobuyuki laughed. "How does he do it? Is Tenchi a Prince Charming or what? So tell me, what's the new girl like?"

"She's a feisty redhead, like Washu, and she's a rogue like Ryoko," Katsuhito replied, "but the most interesting thing about her is that Tenchi is head over heels about her."

Nobuyuki's eyes lit up. "Oh really?" he exclaimed. "That is interesting! I can't wait to take a look at the woman who's so hot that even Tenchi can't ignore her!"

"Now now," the old man chided. "Tenchi never ignored any of them. All of those beautiful girls at once were just too much to handle, that's all."

"I thought Tenchi liked boys!" Nobuyuki almost shouted. "Why else do you think I was so happy when I thought the Tenchi got Ryoko pregnant?"

"Tenchi is just a gentleman…" Katsuhito attempted to get a word in edgewise.

"Honestly, I'd just about given up hope of continuing the family line!" Nobuyuki continued. "I can't wait to get home and see the mother of my future grandchildren!"

Katsuhito just shook his head. "Try not to scare her off."

At the Masaki house, foreboding was in the air. Washu gazed sadly at Tenchi who had cut his hair, trimmed his nails, taken a bath, and was dressed sharply. He had an arm around Mary Sue as they both sat on the couch and made sickeningly sweet faces at each other.

During the 1950's, in the state of Nevada in the United States an archeologist and adventurer named Henry 'Indiana' Jones Jr. survived an atomic blast by hiding in a refrigerator. The next year, in Hawaii, a man from Milwaukee named Arthur Fonzarelli jumped over a pack of maneating sharks while wearing water skis. Washu feared that an event of equal significance was happening right before her eyes. Although she wished Tenchi and Mary Sue the greatest happiness, things just wouldn't be the same anymore.

Ryoko and Ayeka sat at the table, gazing sadly at Mary Sue and Tenchi. Their faces were so sullen that they appeared to be attending a funeral.

"This blows," Ryoko muttered to no one in particular.

"Yes," Ayeka listlessly agreed. "They certainly seem comfortable together, don't they?"

Mihoshi and Kiyone were also at the table, perpendicular to the princess and the pirate.

"Wow, who knew that after all this time, Tenchi would finally find a girl he really likes?" the bubbly Mihoshi.

"Who guessed that Washu wasn't joking when she bet me a hundred yen that Tenchi liked girls?" Kiyone groaned.

Suddenly the door slid open.

"I'm home…!" Nobuyuki called joyfully. "Now where is the lovely young woman who has won my son's heart?"

"Hi Dad!" Tenchi waved. "I'd like to introduce you to Mary Sue Starwalker!

"That's nice, Tenchi," he father nodded. "Hello, Miss Starwalker." He shook her hand. "Now, my boy, where's this special lady I've heard so much about?"

"What do you mean?" the boy asked.

"I heard there's a new girl from outer space and this time you're in love with her!" exclaimed his happy father, who glanced around hoping to spy an ethereal vision of loveliness. "So where is she? I can't wait to welcome her into our family!"

A bead of sweat appeared on Tenchi's forehead. "Uh, you just did. She's right here in front of you. You just met her."

"Really?" Nobuyuki asked. "Who?"

"Mary Sue Starwalker," Tenchi explained. "She's the girl I wanted you to meet. She sure is something, isn't she Dad?"

"Her?" gasped an incredulous Nobuyuki. "The fat one? Are you telling me out of all these women you've chosen the fat one?"

"Dad!" Tenchi protested in horror.

"Excuse me?" Mary Sue asked in a dangerous voice.

"Dad, what's the matter with you?" Tenchi scolded. "You've always told me I was too shy with women!"

Nobuyuki was still too stunned to control his tongue. "Yeah, but I always figured you'd choose someone… I don't know… thinner…"

"Dad, you're embarrassing me!" Tenchi growled. "You've got to watch what you say! She's going to be living with us, you know!"

"She is?" Nobuyuki blinked. "How come?"

"You've let all the other girls stay with us," his son pointed out.

"Yeah, but that's when they were all a bunch of hot and sexy girls," His father said heedlessly. "I'd never open my door to a fat girl."

"A fat girl!" Mary Sue shouted. "Thet's it! How long did you say there wuz a break in th' ion storm Miz Washu?"

"It should be safe for the next two hours," Washu replied, "but if you want to go anywhere I'd put as much distance between you and this sector as possible."

"Not a problem!" Mary Sue got up and stomped to the door. "Ef that's th' way he feels, then good-bye!"

"No wait!" Tenchi ran after her. "Mary Sue! Don't go! He didn't mean it!"

"Huh?" the girls made cooing noises as they looked questioningly at each other, then they rose to walk outside to witness the drama.

Outside, Mary Sue was striding down the dock to the egg shaped spacecraft that she arrived in. Tenchi was attempting to block her path and slow her down anyway he could.

"Please! Mary Sue! Don't leave me!!" the boy cried. "I apologize for my Dad! He didn't mean it! Honestly!"

"Ah'm sorry, Tenchi," Mary Sue marched resolutely towards her ship. "Mah deddy always tol' me thet you could always tell a skunk bah th' way it stinks. Th' apple don't fall very fur from th' tree an' a leopard don't change his spots…"

"Please! Don't go!" Tenchi implored. "I'm not my Dad! I would never even think such a thing! You've got to believe me!"

"Ah do believe yuh," she said sadly, "but it's only a matter a time afore yuh become lahk yore old man, Tenchi. Sorry son, but it just wuzn't tuh be."

"I'm not my Dad!" Tenchi whined. "Come on! You are always going on about your sister Betty Lou and what a tramp she is!"

"Are you callin' mah sister a tramp?" Mary Sue fixed her steely eyes on the boy.

"Wait a minute!" Tenchi protested. "You're the one who calls your sister a tramp not me!"

"Ah knew it," grumbled the buxom space girl. "Yuh are just lahk yer pappy. Don't nobody insult mah sister but me!"

Before Tenchi could react she punched his jaw and sent him tumbling into the water.

Mary Sue entered the cockpit of her spacecraft and closed the door. "No good Earthman's after mah body and his no good pappy sez ah'm too fat…" the door shut, rendering the rest of her words imperceptible as Tenchi climbed out of the water to prostrate himself on the dock.

"Mary Sue!" he shouted as the spaceship rose from the water and into the sky. "Come back! I love you! Come back!"

The spaceship soared into the distance and disappeared from sight.

"Bye bye!" Ayeka and Ryoko chorused as they smiled and waved handkerchiefs at the vanishing spaceship. "Don't come back for a long time…" they sang.

"Mary Sue! Mary Sue!" Tenchi collapsed on the dock and started crying. "Come back! Come baaack!"

Ryoko appeared next to him with an electronic hum. "There there, Tenchi!" she said as she put her arms around him. "It's going to be okay. Let Ryoko help you forget all about that girl and everything will be fine." The beautiful buccaneer tried to be sympathetic but her cheerful demeanor spoiled the effect somewhat.

Ryoko's cheerful attitude disappeared when Ayeka pushed her into the water. Tenchi was so far in his depression he seemed to be ignoring the world.

"Tenchi, darling," the first princess of Jurai cooed in his deaf ear. "It's going to be all right. You are young and handsome and there are plenty of women who would jump at the chance to be your girlfriend. In the meantime, if you need a shoulder to cry on, or just need someone to talk to, my door is open, day or night!" Like Ryoko, Princess Ayeka was too happy to make her words sound sincere.

"Hey, you witch!" A dripping wet Ryoko snarled at Ayeka's face. She would have pushed the impudent princess into the water but with Ayeka's arms around Tenchi, there was too much of a chance of the boy going in the drink too. "What are you doing with your arms around my Tenchi? He's depressed enough as it is without you getting in his face!"

"Lord Tenchi needs consoling," Ayeka insisted, "and he needs the companionship of a loved one. He doesn't need you to upset him any further."

"If Tenchi needs consoling I'm the one that will do it!" Ryoko declared as Tenchi ignored both of them and let the two women pull him back and forth like a mannequin.

As Kiyone, Mihoshi, Nobuyuki, Katsuhito, and Sasami stared at the unfolding spectacle, Washu started laughing.

"What's so funny, Washu?" Sasami asked the greatest genius in the universe.

"I just thought of something that Ryoko once said in one of her more melodramatic moments," Washu smiled mischievously. "She said that no force in the universe could conquer romantic love. I think we just found a force that can. It's called 'parents'!"

As Washu cackled wickedly, Katsuhito and Kiyone gave Nobuyuki disgusted and angry looks. Tenchi's father blushed and smiled sheepishly as he shuffled his feet and scratched the back of his neck.

After Mary Sue left Earth to return to the stars life returned to normal at the Masaki house. Well almost normal. Sasami's duties as the household cook were doubled due to the obsessions of two of the housemates.

"Kiyone, we've got to stop them from killing themselves!" A tearful Mihoshi pleaded.

"Maybe Tenchi can stop them," Kiyone suggested. "They'll listen to him, won't they? Where is Tenchi, anyway?"

"He's in his room playing country western CD's," Washu told her. "You know, the old school 'I've got a tear in my beer' stuff."

"Sasami!" Ayeka called from the dinner table. "Is the next course ready yet?"

"What's taking so long?" Ryoko complained from her seat next to the princess. "Bring on the grub!"

"Coming!" Sasami announced as she used her oven mitts to carry out a heavy pot of fried rice, chopped pork and beef. "Here you go!"

When she set the pot down on the table Ayeka and Ryoko filled their bowls and started shoveling the meal into their faces as fast as their chopsticks could move. Sasami picked up a large empty bowl next to the full one and took it back to the kitchen.

"Ayeka, Ryoko, you've got to stop this!" Mihoshi pleaded. "Think of your health!"

"I can't," Ayeka insisted. "I haven't gained near enough weight yet."

"This food is too healthy," Ryoko complained. "We need to eat something more fattening! Hey Sasami! Bring out the potato chips will ya?"

End