The day had come. The day where she'd lost Mike three years ago. Its a routine each year to visit his grave, its the one time she has enough courage to do so. Its his final resting place and every time she returns, she connects with the smallest piece of him she still has left.
Kneeling down by Mike's grave, she lays an assortment of flowers beside newly placed ones. Of course she wasn't the first to arrive, she'd been stalling this moment all afternoon. She thinks about Mike, remembering the love he constantly gave her. A memory sneaks into her thoughts, one that makes her smile and shy away. "God I miss you." She says in an almost whisper looking at his name engraved in stone before her. "You'd think after three years I'd get talking to a ghost down packed, but this isn't something I want to practice."
Her phone vibrates in the pocket of her jacket and she pulls it out to see that its Rick, but ignores the call. She can't talk to him just now, he'll hear the want to cry in her voice. "The only thing worse than being alone is being with someone who will never love you. I don't know what you'd think of this relationship I'm in now but..."
Michonne is taken out of her already unstable state, by tears and an urgent need to breath through a fit of hiccups and haggard breaths. An attempt to talk to Mike seams to be a failure. She looks around at the other graves, acutely wondering if any of their headstones were still visited by their loved ones... or even if they were still remember by anyone at all.
She didn't want that to happen to Mike.
She was clinging onto the past in fear that she would forget his face or his laugh. His warm embrace was now just a memory, replaced by the cold wind that lashed against her shaking form.
There were times in which she wanted to be under there with him. Looking towards an empty spot next to his grave made her heart race with fear and guilt.
"Stop it Michonne, he wouldn't want this... I shouldn't want this... just stop." She chanted towards herself, tracing the outline of his name. In everyone else's eyes, this name was just a marking on a piece of stone, but to her, that name was supposed to be her future, her love, and now, its an anchor weighting her down to the past.
"I don't know what the future holds but, I'll stop. I'll stop holding back. I promise you that... but for now... " Michonne pushed herself down and against the warn grass, in front of her past lover's grave.
"I just want to stay here like this... just a while longer."
Rick is working on new material while in the recording studio. He's under a large amount of strain because he has to pump out songs, enough for an entire album, seeing as he's striking while the iron's hot, as Abraham had put it. He writes from his heart but also cares about the quality of his music, like any real artist would. But he isn't in that unhappy place anymore, which is what he's known for; writing about pain.
Rick is smiling as he thinks of Michonne and knows she's the source of his happiness. Its this connection he has with her, like if they'd meet in a different universe they'd somehow still find their way to each other. The singer is startled by someone's TV blasting in the other room. He gets up with the intention of shutting the door, but hears Michonne's name mentioned by someone on the TV. As he walks into the hall, he's angered to see that there's footage of Michonne in such a private moment. He can't believe he's watching her walking through a cemetery in tears. He hears the entertainment reporter on screen speak, "actress Michonne keeps the tradition of visiting deceased boyfriend's grave. This marks the three year anniversary of rapper/activist Mike Da Makor's passing."
Michonne had a meeting with Andrea, at her friend's place of business. Andrea was successful in her own right as a pretty well off fashion designer. Andrea wonders why Michonne waited until this day to make alterations to this dress. Was it a way to distract herself from Mike? in any regard she was worried about her.
Michonne is standing on a small pedestal, as Andrea is making some alterations, taking the dress in at exact places along Michonne's figure for the right fit. The actress is miles away and in a cold mood towards the sole person she wanted to open up to.
"Are you okay?" Andrea questions, opening the line of communication.
"I'm fine." Michonne really just wants to pour her feelings out but denies herself the impulse.
"I have pins in your dress Meesh, you don't know where they are but I do."
"You're not gonna stick a pin in me just because you think I'm a wreck. I'm not."
"I don't know, my fingers are a little shaky today."
"There's nothing we need to talk about."
"I hate that you're shutting me out like this."
Michonne scratches her brow as a way to temper herself. She tries to remain stoic as Andrea speaks with compassion. "I miss him too. It was just our small group back then, all trying to make it together."
"I feel guilty..." Michonne says, as she unconsciously begins holding herself.
"Please don't say for still being alive."
"I've been really happy lately... I'm uncomfortable being this happy without him." She'd been happy with her career over the years, and with the things she devoted her life to, but she hadn't been happy like this since Mike, happy in the romantic sense. Its a little unnerving to her.
"Its time for you to move on. You can't save yourself for someone who isn't here anymore." Andrea states in a soft yet stern tone towards her friend.
"I know..." Michonne says sighing with this sinking feeling in her stomach. "I'm scared... scared of leaving him behind. Andrea, I still have pictures of him in my house... what am I supposed to do with them? Box him up and put him away?"
"You can do whatever you want. Closing the door on Mike isn't you shutting yourself off from his memory, just that part of your past. Someone really wise once told me that if you aren't scared you aren't living."
"Maybe I am tired of not living."
"You look like you really want a hug right now?" Andrea smiles tilting her head up at Michonne.
Michonne stiffly nods as Andrea surveys the actress' body language. "But the pins are still in your dress?"
"Yea..." Michonne nods again bursting out in shy laughter with her eyes teary.
Andrea wipes a tear from her own eyes as she approaches Michonne. "I told you I know where all the pins are." The blond laughs as she strategically hugs her best friend, who carefully hugs her back. "Thanks Drea."
"Its what I'm here for." The blonde carefully pulls back and looks at Michonne from head to toe, "I love you in this dress, you look like a sexy banana."
Michonne just laughs in response.
Michonne came down to Rick's studio, after avoiding his calls all day. She felt the need to do what she does best, drop in on him. She sees him before he can notice her, and he looks so unhappy, scribbling on the sheet of paper before him and rubbing at his forehead in a taxing display. She feels bad, maybe he needed her and she couldn't be there for him.
"Are you okay?" She asked him while approaching him slowly.
He just nods his head, unsure of how to open up to her. He wants to know that she's okay but he can't bring up Mike with no inkling to how she'd take it, and frankly he thought it wasn't his place. I mean who was he to her really?
She speaks with some casualness, aiming to give him some confidence on his music, assuming that's what was bothering him. She didn't think that he'd be this distressed about something to do with her. "I spent a night listening to your music once. It was beautiful but..."
"But what?"
"There was a lot of hurt there."
"There was... writing all that down was therapeutic for me. When I felt like I couldn't talk to anyone, it was a good outlet." He speaks about his music, but his tone is almost urging her to talk about an underlying issue.
"Your music helps people." She wanted to tell him it helped her but left those thoughts to herself. "It helps us all remember that we're still human and we all go through our ups and downs. You're still here Rick, and that's what matters."
"You're still here too." He wanted to tell her he knew her loss. He could see some of it still in her. He'd lost Lori but she was still alive, there was still the option of final words but with Michonne, she'd never get to hear them from Mike. She knew what he meant; who he meant. And could only appreciate the fact that he only said that one line, that he didn't pry about Mike.
"You're a good woman. I can tell there's something on your mind but instead you're more worried about me. There's so much that you do, that's for the benefit of others too."
"Not everything... this relationship isn't-"
"We're both benefiting from this." Rick's tone is a bit stronger than he intended it to be, but he wanted to make sure that he could get his message across. Both the spoken and unspoken one.
"Are we really? Because you could be moving on with someone, in an actual relationship right now. Instead of pretending to be in this lie with me."
"I'd rather be in this lie with you, than with somebody else."
The room is silent again as Rick looks down as if he's said something he shouldn't of. She could back out easily and he could do the same, especially with how speculative their relationship was to the media. Its gossip and chance sightings.
They both treat the situation as if they have no choice in the matter, when subconsciously they are choosing to sink deeper into the lie, together.
"No one's around Rick, you're not my leading man when its just the two of us."
Rick nods with an understanding but in his head, he's thinking. 'Maybe this is the way I want to act when we're alone.'
There eyes connect and they stare at each other for longer than two people who were just partners, would be able to stand. She wanted to tell him that this stopped being a lie for her, and he wanted to show her more than tell her, the same thing. But the timing is off, and love can't start in the memory of loss, so he lets her go. She gives him a subtle head nod with the parting word, "goodnight" and forces a smile to hide her sadness from the day. She leaves, he forces himself to let her walk out that door.
