Stop, or I'll shoot! The seventh leg is upon y'alls, and I hear this is better than being kicked in the face. So read it! Now. No, NOW.
"Previously on the Bootleg Smashy Amazing Race!" grinned Crazy Hand, floating around pompously. "Six teams left the Space Colony ARK, and travelled to New Pork City in the Nowhere Islands!"
"Marth and Fox got into trouble with locals!
Fox shot the cop.
"Dude!" cried Marth, shocked.
"Go, go, go!" screamed Fox to the driver.
"And Mario deviously tried to delay the other teams!"
"I really don't like this idea, Mario," commented Bowser, ripping out one of his own spikes.
"It'll work-a, dammit!" Mario retorted, throwing the spike at Roy and Ganondorf's taxi. "The cardboard-a cut out decoys to fool the frats-a worked!"
"Meanwhile, Jigglypuff continued her one-dimensional relationship with Ike!"
"Hey guys!" greeted Ike, hugging Jigglypuff.
"Oy vey..." moaned Mewtwo, irritated.
"Mario and Bowser consistently tried to one-up Marth and Fox!"
Mario and Bowser passed Marth and Fox.
"EEEEEEEEEEEEEYEAAAAAH!" screamed Bowser, flipping off Marth and Fox with both hands.
"But in the end, Mario's plans to delay other teams backfired!"
"Well, the whole blood loss thing is catchin' up with me..." grunted Bowser.
Bowser passed out and fell down the entire flight of stairs.
Mario cursed rapidly in Italian.
"Hey, Mario!" smiled Fox, running past Mario.
"'sup, dude?" asked Marth, running past Mario.
Mario burst into tears.
"And the frats took first place! Mewtwo and Jigglypuff managed to edge out Ike and Pit at the last second..."
"Let's find out," said Mewtwo. Mewtwo used his mind to kick Ike in the shins several times. Ike fell over on the ground, writhing in pain.
Mewtwo and Jigglypuff stepped onto the mat.
"Mewtwo and Jigglypuff, you're team number five!" said Crazy Hand.
"But Ike and Pit were given a reprieve – at a cost!"
"However, on the next leg of the race you will encounter a Speed Bump. A Speed Bump is an extra task only you will have to complete, while the other teams keep on racing. Good luck."
"Six teams remain, who will be eliminated next?"
The Teams! (with stereotype labels!)
Marth/Fox (Frats: Alcoholism and duuuuuuuude overuse?)
Mario/Bowser (Mario/Bowser)
Roy/Ganondorf (Schizos: Unfitting personality quirks a-go-go!)
Kirby/Ness (Druggie and Dealer: Personality u-turns at the blink of a syringe!)
Mewtwo/Jigglypuff (Pokemon: That one cool one and that one cute one!)
Ike/Pit (Boyfriends: they're both muscular Japanese-looking guys with colourful hair, so they're obviously gay together)
Crazy Hand floated around the Hall of Memories casually.
"This is the Hall of Memories, site of Lucas' final battle with Porky, and emotional battle with Claus!" said Crazy Hand. "And this climactic location was the sixth pit stop in a race around the world! Teams arrived here at the end of the last leg for a mandatory rest period, where they can eat, sleep, and mingle with the other teams!"
Crazy Hand looked back at the Absolutely Safe Capsule with Porky inside, and saw a variety of fresh graffiti on it, ranging from "Thanks for all the racing memories, TBSAR 08 – Kirby" to "I went here when Bowser was in the can, dude – Marth".
"Will Marth and Fox and Mario and Bowser continue their rivalry? Can Ike and Pit overcome their Speed Bump? And will anything in the previews actually happen?" wondered Crazy Hand.
"Marth and Fox, who were first to arrive at 8:55am, will depart at 8:55pm!" ended Crazy Hand.
Marth and Fox
1st to Depart, 8:55pm
"Okay dude, it's time to see where we're going next!" grinned Marth, staring at the camera.
"Golly gee Marth, I think you should look in that clue envelope!" grinned Fox creepily, staring at the camera.
"I bet it has a clue in it, dude!" grinned Marth, staring at the camera.
"Let's see!" grinned Fox, staring at the camera.
Marth opened the clue.
"Make your way to Peach's Castle in the Mushroom Kingdom!" read Marth.
"Teams must now make their way to the Mushroom Kingdom, and find Peach's Castle!" repeated Crazy Hand. "Once there, they must enter a painting that will take them to Bob-omb Battlefield, where they must find King Bob-omb, who will give them their next clue!"
Marth and Fox left the Hall of Memories, and hailed a cab.
"We're going to the airport, man," Fox told the cab driver.
"A-are you Fox McCloud?" asked the cab driver, scared.
"Yeah man, why?" replied Fox.
"I heard you kill cops!" whimpered the cab driver.
Fox rolled his eyes.
"I've got this one, dude," sighed Marth, impaling the cab driver's hand on the edge of the steering wheel. "Now drive,"
The cab driver whimpered and took Marth and Fox to the airport.
Fox
"Marth and I had been waiting a while to be team number one, man," revealed Fox in an interview. "And we're pretty sure we can beat the other teams, provided we don't come out the wrong end of another mega bunch,"
Marth and Fox
Currently in 1st Place
The frats arrived at the airport.
"Dude, aren't we only like one minute ahead of Mario and Bowser?" pondered Marth. "How did we do so much in one minute?"
Marth and Fox looked around and noticed that the airport was around the corner from the pit stop.
"My wallet hurts, man," replied Fox.
Marth checked the flights available.
"Okay dude, there's one through Isle Delfino, and there's one through Yoshi's Island," Marth told Fox.
"The quickest one, man," replied Fox. "We need to own these guys,"
Mario and Bowser
2nd to Depart, 8:56pm
"You have a coin-a for this leg of-a the race?!" asked Mario sceptically, holding up their small coin.
"Budget cut," coughed Crazy Hand quickly.
"At least we're headed to familiar turf," rationed Bowser, shaking his head.
Bowser
"Mario and I have a lot of ups and downs, but we seem to be the team who gets in the least trouble," voiced over Bowser. "Even though we've been through hell with each other, I can't remember ever being seriously in the back of the pack,"
Mario and Bowser
Currently in 2nd Place
Mario and Bowser walked out of the Hall of Memories idly.
"It's-a good thing we get-a to leave this big city!" cheered Mario.
"Why's that?" asked Bowser.
"Well, it's just-a...I get a bad vibe from this-a place!" revealed Mario.
"No, that's because the frats are still ahead of us," replied Bowser.
"Oh-a," said Mario.
...
...
"Get-a them!" cried Mario.
Roy and Ganondorf
3rd to Depart, 9:00pm
"Like, Roy and I are gonna get ahead by doing what we've always been doing!" cheered Ganondorf. "We've always run the race fairly under the radar, and apart from the second leg, we've been working mainly by ourselves!"
"Arr..." agreed Roy, rubbing his eyes.
"Whoa, like Roy! Looks like you didn't get much sleep last night!" gasped Ganondorf.
"Arr, I was up all night burrrrying me mp3 playarr..." sighed Roy wistfully.
"Yeah, like, sorry about that," said Ganondorf sheepishly.
"Yarr, tis a good thing I have an iPod!" grinned Roy.
Ganondorf's jaw dropped.
...
...
"Come back, we've been waiting here for you..." mumbled Roy, humming.
Ganondorf cried.
Kirby and Ness
4th to Depart, 9:06pm
"The first few legs of the race were really stressful for us, being back of the pack most of the time," explained Ness. "But thanks to drugs, we're now happy and doing good!"
"In fact, we've even managed to make friends with the other teams!" grinned Kirby.
"Look at us, we're growing!" cheered Ness.
Mario and Bowser
Currently in 2nd Place
"Okay, looks like we only need to run to the airport," noticed Bowser, checking a town map.
Roy and Ganondorf overheard Bowser, and began running after them.
"Damn-a!" cried Mario. "This is the problem-a with the top four teams-a only eleven minutes apart-a!"
Kirby and Ness
Currently in 4th Place
"What could we possibly do in the Mushroom Kingdom with only one coin?" wondered Ness insightfully.
"We're pretty good money-wise!" laughed Kirby, pulling out a wallet full of vast riches. "Curiosity over concern, my dear friend!"
Marth and Fox
Currently in 1st Place
"Okay dude, our flight through Isle Delfino leaves at 10pm!" said Marth, handing Fox a ticket.
"Ain't nothing gonna stop us, man!" grinned Fox confidently.
Mario and Bowser, Roy and Ganondorf, and Kirby and Ness all ran into the airport as a collective crowd.
"Damn, dude," lamented Marth.
"It's okay man, we don't have to worry about these chumps," said Fox loudly and pointedly.
The frats strutted smarmily towards their plane.
Kirby and Ness
Currently in 4th Place
"Friends, it would appear that the Isle Delfino connecting flight is no longer boarding," said Kirby, checking the flight board.
"Yeah, the only other good one is a Yoshi's Island flight," revealed Ness.
"Like, thanks for letting us know," said Ganondorf sadly, as Roy nodded in agreement.
Bowser opened his mouth to thank Kirby and Ness too, but Mario cut across him.
"Friends-a? Screw you guys-a, I haven't forgotten you stealing-a our leg win back in Johto-a!" fumed Mario.
Kirby and Ness chuckled heartily and walked away.
Mewtwo and Jigglypuff
5th to Depart, 9:22pm
"I think Mewtwo and I are both very strong-minded!" smiled Jigglypuff pointlessly.
"Yeah, but I'm more strong minded on account of the fact that I kill people on my own teams with my mind," hinted Mewtwo threateningly.
"Mewtwo, you silly!" smiled Jigglypuff. "Nobody on any of your teams has ever died!"
"Pichu's dead," remembered Mewtwo.
"That was suicide," said Jigglypuff.
"Falco's dead," remembered Mewtwo.
"That was a PSA!" smiled Jigglypuff.
"What about Ness, he's dead!" yelled Mewtwo.
"Isn't he with Kirby?" asked Jigglypuff.
"Not for long!" laughed Mewtwo maniacally, pushing a button on a sinister, mine-detonating-looking button.
Lucas' Lemonade Stand
Lucas exploded into a million pieces.
New Pork City Airport
"The only flight to the Mushroom Kingdom was like, through Yoshi's Island or whatever, and it's full," revealed Ganondorf sadly.
"We're never gonna quit, ain't nothing wrong with it, just actin' like we're-" began Roy, before Ganondorf hit him with his handbag.
"You know," said the ticket agent. "There are other airports...there's one in Fourside you could use, let me just get you a flight there..."
"Like, great!" cheered Ganondorf. "Hey, Kirby! Ness! Look at this!"
Kirby and Ness followed them, and the two teams booked tickets to Fourside.
"Not so fast-a!" laughed Mario, jumping out of Ness' suitcase with a groaning Bowser. "We're coming-a too! We won't be left-a behind!"
The doors of the airport flew open, and Mewtwo charged in with Jigglypuff playing ominous Vaudeville villain (!) music on an organ behind him.
"Ness!" stormed Mewtwo. "Why aren't you dead yet?"
"...Because I'm just a kid?" asked Ness nervously.
"I see..." mused Mewtwo. "Evidently, I shall have to kill you myself..."
Mewtwo drew a small blade from his trenchcoat and caressed it lovingly.
"Like, think we should wait for Ike and Pit?" asked Ganondorf.
Jigglypuff nodded fervently, but Mewtwo used his psychic powers to block the airport doors with the organ.
"So...Fourside it is!" said Bowser hastily. The four teams all made their way to the plane, Mewtwo still staring evilly at Ness.
Ike and Pit
Last to Depart, 9:23pm
"We have a coin for this leg of the race?!" read Pit, confused.
"It's not even the same currency we've been using the rest of the race!" said Ike angrily. "We've got to survive a tough leg, at the back of the pack with a Speed Bump coming up, surrounded by bombs,
with a homicidal psychic Pokemon wanting to kill both of us, drugged up losers, a whiny Italian and his turtle slave, a pirate, a dark wizard teenage girl stereotype, and dullard frat boys breathing down our necks, with only one freaking coin?!"
"We've still got the money we didn't use in past legs-" began Pit.
"All the adversity comes towards us! Nobody else has to deal with this much crap!" shouted Ike.
"We were always at the front of the pack before last leg-" began Pit.
"There better be a huge bunch of teams at the airport..." fumed Ike, leaving the Hall of Memories.
Ike and Pit walked around the corner to the airport, where they saw that the door was blocked by a huge organ.
"WHAT THE HELL?!" shouted Ike. "That doesn't even make sense!"
"You can take a train to Fourside," advised a local. "Not as fast as flying there, but there's a great airport in Fourside,"
"That sounds good, Ike," said Pit, thanking the local. "Let's go,"
"Stop being unreasonable, dammit!" smiled Ike, overjoyed, hugging the local violently.
Pit sighed.
Fourside Airport
Mewtwo and Jigglypuff
Currently in 2nd Place
Mewtwo and Jigglypuff got out of the plane first, and ran over to a flight attendant.
"Can we get a flight to the Mushroom Kingdom?" asked Jigglypuff.
"All flights to the Mushroom Kingdom are overbooked," replied the attendant.
"Damn!" yelled Mewtwo. "Why's it so hard to get to the Mushroom Kingdom?!"
"Because it's the home of Nintendo's biggest star?" asked the attendant cautiously.
Mewtwo's eye twitched.
"STAR THIS!" raged Mewtwo, throwing the attendant into the fiery depths of Mount Doom.
New Pork City
Ike and Pit
Currently in Last Place
"Taxi!" yelled Pit, hailing a cab. "Take us to the train station, we need to get to Fourside!"
"Well, how about I take you all the way to Fourside myself?" asked the cab driver. "Trains aren't very reliable around these parts!"
"Okay, cool," thanked Pit, getting in the cab.
"Who could have set that organ up?" wondered Ike.
"Are you still mad about that?" asked Pit. "Look, we just got an insanely lucky break! Try to cheer up!"
"No," pouted Ike.
"If we catch up, you'll see Jigglypuff again..." reminded Pit.
Ike grinned.
Fourside Airport
"You know Mario," smiled Kirby jovially. "I find you to be a dirty, lowbrow citizen who plays the game with utter disdain for other individuals you encounter,"
"I'll-a freaking kill you-a!" yelled Mario.
"Both of you, shut up!" said Ness and Bowser at the same time.
"Mario, Kirby's right, you are kind of a jerk," said Bowser, patting Mario on the back.
"Yeah, and why worry about each other when Ike and Pit are still so far behind," rationed Ness.
Mario's eyes widened.
"That's-a right!" realised Mario, cheering.
"I don't see them showing up in time," admitted Kirby.
Ike and Pit showed up, adorned in speeding tickets and Monopoly money.
"Well, if it isn't four of the five others!" cheered Pit.
"Jigsy baby!" cheered Ike, running over to Jigglypuff.
"Damn," lamented Bowser, turning to Mario. "Whole lead down the drain,"
"These-a guys are good racers-a, so we need-a them out," replied Mario.
The flight attendant Mewtwo and Jigglypuff had been working with noticed Mario.
"Oh my god!" squealed the attendant. "You're Mario!"
"Um-a..." began Mario hesitantly.
"I'm your biggest fan!" continued the attendant. "Anything you want, it's yours!"
"Yes-a, uh..." Mario hesitated, and looked around at Ike and Pit, deciding what would hurt them most. "...that puffball, that psychic thing, my turtle friend and I are trying to go back to Mushroom-a Kingdom, y'know, where I live-a? And that angel and his blue haired friend-a are stalking-a us!"
"Right away, sir!" grinned the attendant. "I'll get you four on a flight right away! Those two guys will never bother you again!"
"Great-a!" smiled Mario.
"If she's your biggest fan, doesn't she know that I'm the villain to your hero?" asked Bowser sceptically.
"Bowser-a, it's common knowledge that anyone-a who says they're something's-a biggest fan doesn't-a know crap about the subject-a!" laughed Mario.
"Wait, where are Roy and Ganondorf?" asked Ness.
Roy and Ganondorf
Currently in 2nd Place
"Arr, so we're definitely on standby?" confirmed Roy.
"Like, yeah!" replied Ganondorf, reading over the information they got again. "We're like, on standby for the next flight to the Mushroom Kingdom through Yoshi's Island!"
"Yarr, there's four more spots left on the flight..." realised Roy. He considered the competition. "I think we should let Kirby and Ness in on the deal we found, n'yarrgh,"
"I totally guess so," replied Ganondorf. "They've been cool lately. And like, how about the Pokemon? Mario and Bowser are jerks, and we need Ike and Pit far behind!"
"Arrgreed," nodded Roy.
Kirby and Ness
Currently in 3rd Place
"Thanks you guys!" smiled Kirby.
"Whaaarr did you come from?!" asked Roy, confused.
"Oh, we politely found you," replied Kirby.
"I'll let Mewtwo know!" grinned Ness, contacting Mewtwo with his mind.
Mewtwo and Jigglypuff
Currently in 4th Place
"Muhahaha, excellent," smiled Mewtwo evilly. "Ness is talking to me in my head, he has a better flight!"
"Cool!" laughed Jigglypuff. "Do you think he'll let Ike and Pit know?"
"Sure, why not," lied Mewtwo, leaving Mario and Bowser alone with Ike and Pit.
Mario and Bowser
Currently in 5th Place
"I'm sorry, my lord," the attendant told Mario, "But your Pokemon friends seem to hate you! Are you sure they're your friends?"
"Okay, this is enough!" panted Bowser, exasperated. "Just let Ike and Pit join our flight, Mario! They've had enough trouble last leg without you!"
"Fine-a..." sighed Mario.
"The only flight I can give you goes through Yoshi's Island!" said the attendant brightly.
"Um-a, we know," replied Mario.
"Good thing it's the first flight!" grinned Bowser.
"Um, no..." said the attendant. "It's the second one,"
Ike and Pit
Currently in Last Place
"So this is the fastest flight to Mushroom Kingdom, through Fourside?" checked Ike.
"No, sorry, it's the second flight," replied the ticket agent. "And it's full."
"But that means that..." began Pit, trailing off, horrified.
Ike buried his face in his hands.
"I just want to get out of here so much..." groaned Ike.
Suddenly, the channel changed. The reading channel. On your computer...shut up.
King Dedede Learns The True Meaning of Christmas, Part One
"Say, King Dedede!" greeted Diddy Kong enthusiastically. "What are youse gettings us for Christmases, mac?"
"The hell with you people!" fumed Dedede. "Here's some money, now go to the mall and pick you own goddamn crap!"
"That's not in the spirit of the season!" reprimanded Sonic jovially. "I think we should all sing a song about the joys of Christmas!"
"That's a great idea, Sonic," encouraged...um...I haven't used Snake in filler for a while, okay, Snake. "Let's do!"
King Dedede cried silent tears.
"Every single year, towards the end of month twelve,
Awesome toys and video games get made by sweatshop elves,
They get shipped off to little girls and boys,
By a fat dude with a stupid voice!"
King Dedede bashed his head against a wall while Diddy, Snake, and Sonic sang a merry Christmas tune.
Mario and Bowser
On 2nd Flight to Yoshi's Island
"All this crap for a connecting flight..." sighed Bowser, shaking his head.
"We just-a need to catch up once-a we get to the Kingdom!" rationed Mario.
Ike and Pit
On Last Flight to Yoshi's Island
"Okay, so the second flight's booked," said the ticket agent. "But the third flight leaves just fifteen minutes after it, because Yoshi's Island is such a tourist attraction!"
"That doesn't make sense and this all just got resolved rather quickly," said Pit. "But okay!"
"All teams are making their way to Mushroom Kingdom!" recapped Crazy Hand. "Marth and Fox are on the first flight that connected to Isle Delfino, and arrives at Peach's Castle at 5:30am! Roy and Ganondorf, Kirby and Ness, and Mewtwo and Jigglypuff are on the first flight through Yoshi's Island, arriving at Peach's Castle at 8am! Mario and Bowser are on the second Yoshi's Island flight, arriving at Peach's Castle at 10:30am, fifteen minutes before Ike and Pit should arrive with the last flight!"
5:30am
Peach's Castle
Marth and Fox
Currently in 1st Place
"Dude, I think we're ahead by a lot," noticed Marth. "We're really a threat to the others!"
"Yeah, which painting takes us to Bob-omb Battlefield, man?" inquired Fox.
Marth looked up at the painting of Bob-ombs in a battlefield.
"Let's use this one, bro!" decided Marth.
"How do we go in?" asked Fox.
Marth jumped in the painting.
"Oh," replied Fox, following suit.
Bob-omb Battlefield
"So, where do you think the king is, dude?" asked Marth.
"I think I played this game before, man," replied Fox. "He's at the top of the mountain!"
"No, I'm right here," replied King Bob-omb. "The mountain's in use,"
"Oh," replied Marth.
"Here's your clue," said King Bob-omb. "Good luck,"
"Make your way to Cool, Cool Mountain," read Marth. "Aw man, we have to go somewhere else? This place looks cool!"
"Teams must now make their way to Cool, Cool Mountain and find this cottage!" said Crazy Hand. "It is here where they will find their next clue! However, production have laid out fake directions that will lead the teams to Tall, Tall Mountain instead of Cool, Cool Mountain! Teams must overcome the directions to save time!"
8:00am
1st Yoshi's Island Flight
Arrived in Mushroom Kingdom
Mewtwo and Jigglypuff
Currently in 2nd Place
"Peach's Castle!" cheered Jigglypuff happily, running around in circles.
"Yes, and I finally killed Ness on the plane!" celebrated Mewtwo. "To avoid being seen, I turned out the lights before I stabbed him and ripped out his organs!"
"Everyone's a winner!" chuckled Jigglypuff.
Kirby and Ness
Currently in 3rd Place
"Ah, the fresh air is simply intoxicating!" smiled Kirby, sniffing a nearby flower.
"Do you think everyone's alright?" wondered Ness. "I heard somebody got stabbed on the plane in the dark!"
Luigi's dead body fell out of the plane.
"Good thing none of the racers died!" laughed Ness, enjoying how alive he was.
Roy and Ganondorf
Currently in 4th Place
"Arr, good thing we survived that one, eh?" asked Roy, checking himself for wounds.
"That was like, so scary!" whined Ganondorf. "But at least we didn't get hurt!"
"ARR NO!" cried Roy, discovering something.
"What is it, like?" asked Ganondorf fearfully.
Roy revealed a broken device in his pocket.
"Yarr, they destroyed me iPod under covaaarrr of darkness!" mourned Roy, crying.
Yoshi's Island Airport
Ike and Pit
Currently in Last Place
"Sorry, we can't let you on," said a Yoshi ticket agent.
"Oh, this is just typical!" raged Ike.
"This is getting kind of annoying," reasoned Pit. "We're booked all the way!"
"All the seats got bought out," replied the Yoshi. "The hero of the Mushroom Kingdom booked the plane privately!"
Ike took out his laptop and frantically checked .
"THAT NEVER HAPPENED!" screamed Ike. "This isn't fair!"
"Oh, cool, got some new reviews on my story," noticed Pit, taking Ike's laptop.
"I'll see what I can do, sirs," sighed the Yoshi.
Bob-omb Battlefield
Mewtwo and Jigglypuff
Currently in 2nd Place
"Hi, bomb!" smiled Jigglypuff. "Do you have a clue?"
"Don't mind my companion, she's disabled," said Mewtwo coolly.
"Really?" asked King Bob-omb. "You seem like the one with a mental disorder, she just seems peppy and fun!"
"DISORDER?!" raged Mewtwo. "I'm psychic! That is not a hindrance! I should destroy you!"
"Let's just head to Cool, Cool Mountain!" decided Jigglypuff, dragging Mewtwo away.
"NEVER!" screamed Mewtwo, throwing a load of bombs at the approaching Kirby and Ness with his mind. "DIE NESS DIE!"
Kirby and Ness
Currently in 3rd Place
"Why all the fighting?" Kirby asked a Bob-omb buddy. "You should be friends!"
"The black Bob-ombs are evil and twisted!" argued the Bob-omb buddy. "And between you and me –"
The Bob-omb buddy whispered in Kirby's ear, "They're minorities!"
"How intolerant!" reprimanded Kirby. "I think someone should go over there and think about what they've done!"
The Bob-omb buddy sadly walked away, but was hit by a levitating load of bombs and died horribly.
"Dammit!" raged Mewtwo.
"Here's your clue!" said King Bob-omb.
"Ah, Cool, Cool Mountain!" cheered Ness. "I feel alive with joy!"
Roy and Ganondorf
Currently in 4th Place
Ganondorf skipped along the battlefield merrily, followed by a morose Roy, who was dragging his dead iPod like it was his first born child.
"Like, clue me King!" cheered Ganondorf.
Roy burst into pirate tears, which are cooler than ninja tears by the way.
Mewtwo and Jigglypuff
Currently in 2nd Place
Mewtwo and Jigglypuff jumped back out of the painting, and surveyed the castle.
"Okay, so the frats are out in the lead somewhere, and those two teams are right behind us!" panicked Jigglypuff. "Where do we go?!"
"The powers of mental thinking are telling me that the signs indicate a path!" discovered Mewtwo. "Let's set up a trap for Ness!"
Mewtwo messed around with the first sign so that it pointed to a different door instead of pointing upstairs.
"I thought you wanted him dead?" asked Jigglypuff.
"Whatever, that door probably leads to some kind of trap," shrugged Mewtwo.
Cool, Cool Mountain
Marth and Fox
Currently in 1st Place
"Nice, here's Cool, Cool Mountain dude!" smiled Marth, checking the tourist map.
"Which cottage do we go into, man?" asked Fox.
"Think it's just the top one, dude," replied Marth.
Yoshi's Island Airport
Ike and Pit
Currently in Last Place
"Sorry sirs, but ticketing is closed," revealed the Yoshi agent.
"We were this close to catching up!" groaned Ike.
"I know, I know," said Pit sympathetically.
"I'm sorry," said the Yoshi.
10:30am
2nd Flight From Yoshi's Island Arrived
Mario and Bowser
Currently in 5th Place
"This-a is serious now!" yelled Mario, running to Peach's Castle as fast as possible with Bowser in tow. "No more-a mister nice guy-a!"
"When were you mis-" began Bowser, before Mario struck him again.
"No-a more jokes!" yelled Mario. "Time-a to run-a! Ike and Pit could be right-a behind us!"
Cool, Cool Mountain
Marth and Fox
Currently in 1st Place
Marth and Fox climbed up to the roof of the top cottage, and took a clue.
"Bro, look! All six clues are here!" celebrated Fox.
"Doesn't mean anything, dude!" said Marth warily. "There could be extras!"
"I know, but at least we're not last, man!" smiled Fox.
Marth nodded, and opened the clue. "Detour!"
"A Detour is a choice between two tasks, each with their own pros and cons!" said Crazy Hand. "In this Detour, teams must choose between Big and Little!"
"In Big, teams must enter the cottage through the chimney to get to the indoor slope! Once there, they must slide down the course on the back of this big penguin! There is only one penguin, so the task will be first come, first served! Once a team finishes the course, they will receive their next clue!"
"In Little, teams must hike down the mountain and find one of six little penguins! They must then bring the penguin back to its mother to receive their next clue! However, the mother will be asleep in an enclosure!"
"Sounds cool!" grinned Fox. Marth groaned in disdain.
"Aww man, look at this! Because penguins need to sleep or some crap, hours of operation for both: 8am to 7:30pm!" complained Marth.
"You're kidding, man!" grunted Fox, irritated.
Mewtwo and Jigglypuff
Currently in 2nd Place
Mewtwo and Jigglypuff walked back downstairs, Mewtwo looking furious.
"The signs were wrong!" shouted Mewtwo. "Cool, Cool Mountain's painting is downstairs!"
"Like, hi guys!" waved Ganondorf, waiting at the foot of the stairs with Roy, Kirby and Ness. "Thanks for the info!"
"Really was nice of you to fix the sign, too!" smiled Kirby, jerking his hea-body to the Cool, Cool Mountain painting. "Shall we go in?"
Marth and Fox
Currently in 1st Place
"Let's do Big, dude," decided Marth. "We better take a number if it's first come, first served,"
The frats looked at a board which had numbered tags from one to six on it. Fox pulled off the '1' tag.
"Good thing we're still in the lead, man!" grinned Fox.
Kirby and Ness
Currently in 2nd Place
Kirby and Ness jumped into the painting, followed by Roy and Ganondorf. Mewtwo and Jigglypuff stayed behind...
Bob-omb Battlefield
Mario and Bowser
Currently in 5th Place
"Here's King Bob-omb!" cried Bowser, taking the clue.
"Sorry-a, can't hear you-a!" grinned Mario sadistically, surrounded by Bob-omb slaves who were chanting "Mario forever! Mario forever!"
"What's that sign over there?" asked Bowser, pointing to a road sign looking thing with a race flag next to it.
"Can't be anything-a to do with us-a..." reasoned Mario.
Mewtwo and Jigglypuff
Currently in 4th Place
"Listen, Jigglypuff..." said Mewtwo shadily, pulling Jigglypuff aside from the painting. "I think we should take extra measures to ensure our survival..."
"What?" asked Jigglypuff, confused.
"I'm talking about the Fast Forward, you dunce!" raged Mewtwo, showing Jigglypuff the green pamphlet that came with the clue. "If we don't take it now, one of the two teams behind us will!"
"Like who?" asked Jigglypuff.
"Like Mario and Bowser!" replied Mewtwo.
"Haven't they done one?" asked Jigglypuff.
"FINE!" shouted Mewtwo. "Pit and-oops...Pit and...Marth! Pit and Marth will take it!"
"Those fiends!" cried Jigglypuff. "Okay, let's do it!"
"This is the third Fast Forward on the race!" reminded Crazy Hand. "A Fast Forward allows one team to skip all tasks and go directly to the pit stop! However, once a team uses a Fast Forward, that team can never use another one again for the rest of the race, so teams must decide when it's most advantageous to go for it!"
"In this Fast Forward, teams must go to the Hazy Maze Cave, and find the swimming dinosaur at the cave's bottom to receive their next clue! However, the path to the dinosaur is confusing, as only the hero of the Mushroom Kingdom or a psychic freak will know how to navigate the maze completely!"
"Pit and Marth are a big concern!" gasped Jigglypuff. "We better hurry!"
"This is almost too easy..." thought Mewtwo to himself.
Yoshi's Island Airport
Ike and Pit
Currently in Last Place
"Sorry sirs, but I insist, the ticket counter will not be open for a few more hours," said the Yoshi, looking guilty. "I apologise for the inconvenience,"
"Can we at least get the first flight as soon as ticket sales open?" asked Pit wearily.
"Not looking good," sighed Ike, burying his face in his hands.
We now return to King Dedede Learns The True Meaning of Christmas!
"Please...stop..." groaned King Dedede, his hands clasped over his ears.
"When the moon comes down,
Santa comes into town!
He's got presents for you and presents for me!
And if you invest shares in the workshop, you get 'em for free!" sang Diddy, Snake and Sonic.
"I swear, I'm really gonna do it!" threatened King Dedede, dangling his hammer over his own skull.
"So unclog your chimneys for him to get by,
Widen the gap so Santa doesn't die!
If he's dead, Christmas is gone,
And we won't be able to sing this merry song!"
"That's it!" grinned Dedede evilly. "Santa can't bring presents to children if he's dead!"
King Dedede ran off.
Mewtwo and Jigglypuff
Currently in 4th Place
Mewtwo and Jigglypuff snuck down into the basement, but to their dismay they found that –
"The Hazy Maze Cave's got hours of operation too?!" raged Mewtwo.
"Where are we gonna sleep?" moaned Jigglypuff. "I'm hungry! My idiot brother keeps putting his hand on my side of the caaaar! I miss my mommy!"
Mewtwo picked up a knife and stabbed Jigglypuff in the voicebox.
"We just have to hang on for a little while..." said Mewtwo testily.
Mario and Bowser
Currently in 5th Place
Mario and Bowser jumped through the Cool, Cool Mountain painting, and saw that most of the teams were still there.
"Awesome-a!" cheered Mario. "We've caught up-a!"
"Oh, that's great..." said Ganondorf, dismayed. "Like, good for you..."
"So are we all doing Big?" confirmed Bowser, reading the clue.
"That's right," agreed Kirby. "Hours of operation, though!"
Mario grinned evilly.
"No idea where the Pokemon went though, dude," said Marth.
"Oh, they were with us a second ago..." mused Ness.
"You dudes have to pull number tags by the way," said Fox.
"Oh, we forgot about that!" realised Ness.
"Yarr, us too," agreed Roy.
"Ness, I'll get ours!" smiled Kirby. "Don't you worry a bit!"
Kirby pulled the number '2' tag.
"Arr, first come first saaarved?" asked Roy, checking the clue.
Ganondorf nodded, and pulled the '3' tag.
"Damn, slow reactions!" cursed Bowser, pulling the '4' tag.
"So-a the lovers are behind-a again?" chuckled Mario.
"Didn't I tell you the Pokemon were behind us a second ago?" asked Ness.
Hazy Maze Cave
Mewtwo and Jigglypuff
Currently in 5th Place
"Okay, the maze is open!" cheered Jigglypuff merrily.
"Fine, let's get the Fast Forward already," grunted Mewtwo. "I'm sick of being near you,"
"Welcome to the Hazy Maze Cave!" greeted a Goomba.
"Thank you!" smiled Jigglypuff.
Mewtwo squashed the Goomba into oblivion, and used his corpse as food.
Mewtwo tore down the walls of the maze with his psychic abilities, and summoned the clue.
"Isn't this cheating?" asked Jigglypuff.
"No, all we had to do was retrieve the clue from the maze," replied Mewtwo.
...
...
"Oh," replied Jigglypuff.
"Having won the Fast Forward, Mewtwo and Jigglypuff may now make their way to Tiny-Huge Island, from the top floor of Peach's Castle!" said Crazy Hand. "The size-altering island is the pit stop for this leg of the race! The last team to check in may be eliminated!"
"Hurry!" raged Mewtwo. "We need to get as big a lead as possible on Marth and Pit!"
"Our sworn enemies!" cried Jigglypuff. "I just hope Ike and Fox can stop them!"
Mewtwo cackled to himself.
Cool, Cool Mountain
Marth and Fox
1st on Penguin Slide
"Dude, nice morning for a slide!" cheered Marth, patting Fox on the back.
"That's right man, we're first," remembered Fox, showing the '1' tag to the big penguin.
"Arr, I hope you guys be alright on those treacherous slopes," said Roy. "I myself struggle with a fearrr of speed and heights,"
"Like, it's true," agreed Ganondorf, nodding.
"Yarr, so how fast is the fastest penguin?" asked Roy uncertainly.
"Dudes, you're hoggin' our scene," said Marth flatly.
Roy and Ganondorf apologised and stepped out of the shot.
Marth and Fox slid down the slope on the back of the big penguin.
"Man, this is dangerous!" cried Fox over the wind as he slid down. "I sure hope we don't lose anythi-"
The camera fell down a cliff, followed by the boom mic.
Fox
"Man, the slide was so cool! It must have looked so cool!" cheered Fox enthusiastically in a voice-over. "I can't wait to watch it at home!"
Marth and Fox
Currently in 1st Place
Marth and Fox landed at the bottom of the slope, and dusted themselves off.
"Here's your replacement camera!" said the R.O.B. cameraman.
"That's your face, dude," replied Marth.
"And?" asked R.O.B.
Marth decided not to argue back.
Kirby and Ness
2nd on Penguin Slide
"Oh good, here's the penguin," smiled Kirby, as the penguin emerged from an elevator smoking a cigarette.
"Frank, would you put that thing out?" chastised the penguin. "I don't even get how you can physically do that!"
"I'm sorry Mike, I just-I just need it right now," said Frank the talking elevator, stubbing out his cigarette.
"So, your name's Mike," said Ness, kindly making conversation.
"So?" asked Mike rudely. "Yours is Ness, but you don't hear me complaining, ya freak,"
Ness looked hurt, and continued to look hurt throughout their whole sliding experience.
Marth and Fox
Currently in 1st Place
"You know dude, you'd think we'd have opened the clue by now," said Marth.
"Oh yeah, man I forgot," replied Fox. He opened the clue. "Take the owl to Whomp Fortress..."
"Now at the bottom of the mountain, teams must find two of these twelve tree owls and use them to fly to Whomp's Fortress!" said Crazy Hand. "Once there, teams will find their next clue!"
"Let's take off, dude," declared Marth punnily.
Kirby and Ness
Currently in 2nd Place
"Owls?" asked Kirby with polite incredulity. "Isn't it in the morning?"
"Insult my name, will you?" asked Ness under his breath. "Well Mike, how's about I come by after the race...to kill you..."
"What?" asked Kirby.
"Nothing," replied Ness.
"Yes, nothing..." muttered Ness. "That's what Mike'll see...after I kill him..."
Roy and Ganondorf
3rd on Penguin Slide
"Let's go and gather baby penguins, n'yarr..." hesitated Roy.
"Like, that ain't happening," replied Ganondorf sternly.
Mike returned inside Frank, and after sticking a nicotine patch on his door, he approached Roy and Ganondorf.
Roy wet himself.
"Like, ewww!" whimpered Ganondorf.
"What the hell, man?" asked Mike angrily.
"My...uh...arr...my feet had scurvy," lied Roy sheepishly.
Mike took a step backwards, disgusted.
"So did yours," finished Roy, checking the floor.
Peach's Castle
Ike and Pit
Currently in Last Place
"Sure is a good thing that convoluted off-screen piece of luck happened to us!" smiled Pit, breathing in fresh air.
"Yep, now to catch back up!" grinned Ike.
"Not over until we step on that mat!" replied Pit.
Cool, Cool Mountain
Roy and Ganondorf
Currently in 3rd Place
"Marrybe we could go slow for us novices?" asked Roy timidly.
Mike considered this.
"No," replied Mike.
"Please?" arred Roy.
"Bite me," replied Mike. "Besides, we're already halfway down the slide,"
"Woo!" cheered Ganondorf. "Isn't like, so much fun?"
Roy wet himself again.
"Arr, his back had sc-" began Roy, but Ganondorf slapped him.
Mario and Bowser
4th on Penguin Slide
"...and the pirate guy was a total freak!" Mike was telling Frank the elevator. "I swear, I'm still towelling myself off!"
"Wasn't that incident only ten seconds ago?" asked Frank.
"Yeah, and you're using me to dry yourself!" protested a towel.
"Oh, sorry about that Jason," apologised Mike. "Man, why is everything in this kingdom capable of speech?"
"Okay-a, we're ready!" grinned Mario expectantly.
Mike dropped Jason to the floor unceremoniously and shook Mario's hand.
"Anything for you, O Saviour!" gasped Mike, awestruck. "But why is th-that thing with you?!"
"Bowser's-a...uh...reformed-a!" lied Mario.
"Yeah..." said Bowser. "I'm so good I wanna kiss your freaking babies,"
Mike fainted, and Mario and Bowser proceeded to ride his unconscious body.
Roy and Ganondorf
Currently in 3rd Place
"Like, so the owl trees are here?" checked Ganondorf.
"Arr, correct..." said Roy, walking gingerly.
Mario and Bowser rode into the scene impressively.
"So-a, where do we get an owl?" asked Mario.
Bowser pointed to the tree.
Marth and Fox
Currently in 1st Place
Marth held onto his owl, and flew through the sky.
Fox kept shaking his owl's leg.
"Faster, man, faster!" ordered Fox. "Show me what you owls can do, bro!"
"Sir, I'd punch you if I had real hands," replied the owl indifferently.
Fox shut up.
Kirby and Ness
Currently in 2nd Place
"I wonder what happened to the two teams we left back there," pondered Ness, flying with his owl.
"Hmm, I hope they are alright..." mused Kirby, stroking his lower-face with a hand on his owl.
And now for the third part of:
King Dedede Learns the True Meaning of Christmas!
"So I hope you've been good,
Nixed all the rude,
You've stopped punching your mother,
And eating your baby brother..." sang Diddy, Snake, and Sonic.
King Dedede opened the door of his castle, and proudly presented Santa's dead body, which looked like it had died in a violent struggle.
"There you go, jolly freaks!" laughed King Dedede. "Santa's dead, now stop singing!"
"You've killed him?!" asked Diddy. "Mac, I'm shockeds!"
"NOOOOOO!" screamed Snake in a high-pitched voice.
"Let's sing him a eulogy!" decided Sonic.
"At fifty one minutes past eleven,
Santa was sent to heaven,
Our kingly friend killed him,
And ripped him limb from limb..." sang Diddy, Snake, and Sonic slowly and tenderly.
King Dedede used his hammer for suicide.
-The End!
Roy and Ganondorf
Currently in 3rd Place
"Take your time, sky ship!" commanded Roy, flying with his owl. "Tharr be no hurry!"
"Like, aren't you afraid of heights?" asked Ganondorf.
...
Roy wet himself.
"Thaarrt was because the gr-" began Roy.
"-ound had scurvy," said Roy and Ganondorf at the same time, sheepishly and irritably respectively.
"Yeah, like got it," sighed Ganondorf.
Mario and Bowser
Currently in 4th Place
"Wonder what's up ahead?" wondered Bowser.
...
"That's-a it?" asked Mario, looking at the camera. "We're done with our scene-a? Real good, real fu-"
Marth and Fox
Currently in 1st Place
"I wanna get rolling before the other teams get here, dude," bemoaned Marth.
"Me too, man," agreed Fox.
Mario and Bowser
Currently in 4th Place
"-ing good-a," finished Mario.
Bob-omb Battlefield
Ike and Pit
Currently in Last Place
"You have a clue for us, right?" asked Pit, walking up to King Bob-omb.
"You two have something a little different," replied King Bob-omb, handing over a clue.
"Speed Bump," read Ike.
"We didn't want to see this right now..." groaned Pit.
"Having been promised a Speed Bump at the end of the last leg, Ike and Pit must now complete an extra challenge no other team has to do!" said Crazy Hand. "In this Speed Bump, they must avoid the crossfire between the two bomb squads and plant a nuke beside this Chain Chomp! This could be an easy task, but the nuke will detonate twenty seconds after Ike and Pit plant it!"
"Crappola," said Ike.
"Wait, I've got a plan!" smiled Pit.
Pit whispered in Ike's ear.
"Got it," nodded Ike.
Ike threw Ragnell through the storm of bombs and bullets into Chain Chomp's eye, distracting all the bombs. Pit flew past them all and planted the nuke.
"Okay, done," said Pit.
"Here's the clue," grinned King Bob-omb, not realising how screwed he was.
"Make your way to Cool, Cool Mountain..." read Ike. "Hey, there's a Fast Forward here!"
"Naah, someone probably took it," realised Pit. "It was probably the frats, they probably want to stay ahead of Mario and Bowser or something,"
"At least Jigs won't betray us!" smiled Ike. "Isn't there a nuke here?"
Ike and Pit left.
Whomp Fortress
Marth and Fox
Currently in 1st Place
Marth and Fox jumped off their owls and ran to the clue box.
"More number tags, man!" cried Fox, pulling another '1'.
Marth took a clue. "Road Block!"
"A Road Block is a task only one person can perform!" said Crazy Hand. "In this Road Block, that person must jump off of the top of the fortress strapped to either; a Whomp, a Thwomp, a Goomba, a Shy Guy, a Toad, or a bag of dry meal! The number tags dictate what the team member will be strapped to, so teams can choose freely between tags this time! Once a team lands at the bottom of the fortress, they will receive their next clue!"
"You're doing it, man!" grinned Fox, handing Marth the tag.
"Number 1 is...this dude!" sighed Marth with relief, hi-fiving the Shy Guy.
Kirby and Ness
Currently in 2nd Place
"Road Block!" read Kirby.
"I'm up," said Ness. "I feel like I can do it!"
Ness' number 2 tag corresponded with the Thwomp.
"Oh, fiddlesticks," said Ness, kicking the ground.
"Good luck, mon frère!" grinned Kirby.
Mario and Bowser
Currently in 3rd Place
Mario jumped off of his owl, and dragged Bowser off of his ahead of Roy and Ganondorf.
"We're-a moving up!" cheered Mario, taking the third tag. "Road Block!"
"I'll take it," said Bowser. He checked the clue. "So I'm strapped to a Toad and the tags don't matter? Cool,"
Ness sighed.
Roy and Ganondorf
Currently in 4th Place
Ganondorf ran over to the clue box carrying Roy in a fireman's lift, and he took the '4' tag.
"I'll jump, like I need more of your whining..." said Ganondorf.
"Whoa, role reversal," muttered Ness to himself.
Ganondorf checked the clue.
"Like, tag 4 is the Goomba?" checked Ganondorf.
Ness groaned.
Marth, Ness, Bowser, Ganondorf
On Road Block
"No chance to die, Bowser old boy, no chance at all," Bowser muttered to himself, stapling Toad to his stomach.
"And this is safe, right dude?" asked Marth.
The Shy Guy nodded. "If you stay with me and I don't-"
The eyeholes in his mask glowed red.
"-let go and kill you you'll be fine!"
"I'm glad I'm not going first," commented Ness. "I'm strapped to a friggin' rock while you guys have light supporters,"
Fox, Kirby, Mario, Roy
Not on Road Block
"Come on, Marth!" yelled Fox from the bottom of the fortress.
"Arr, Marrrth be going!" noticed Roy.
The four non-Road Blockers watched as Marth and Shy Guy jumped.
"Why does that fellow have a knife?" asked Kirby.
Marth and Fox
Currently in 1st Place
Marth landed successfully on the ground, followed by the Shy Guy, and finally a large knife. The knife fell to the ground, missing Marth and landing on some small person.
"Very cool, man!" applauded Fox. "Now come on, let's go!"
Ness, Bowser, Ganondorf
On Road Block
"Looks like the frats are like, going for first again," realised Ganondorf. "Look at them run!"
Ganondorf waved at Marth and Fox, who were sprinting over to the clue box down below.
Marth and Fox
Currently in 1st Place
Marth opened the clue.
"Make your way to Tiny-Huge Island!" read Marth. "The pit stop for this leg of the race! The last team to check in here may be eliminated, dude!"
"Usual threat, man!" said Fox nervously. "Let's juice before the others finish!"
"Let's juice?" repeated Marth. "I'm not even sure about that one,"
Tiny-Huge Island
Mewtwo and Jigglypuff
Actually currently in 1st Place
"I hope we've managed to stay in!" fretted Jigglypuff nervously.
"Yes, I sure hope myself or you haven't lost anything!" said Mewtwo pointedly, laughing as he stepped on the mat.
"Welcome to Tiny-Huge Island!" greeted a Goomba.
"Whatever," replied Mewtwo, killing its family.
"Mewtwo and Jigglypuff, you are team number one!" awarded Crazy Hand proudly.
Jigglypuff let out a squeal of delight and hugged Mewtwo. Mewtwo poisoned her bottled water.
"And I have some good news for you!" smiled Crazy Hand. "For winning this seventh leg of the race, you've each won a lifetime subscription to Singles Weekly: the hippest magazines for those not involved with anyone they work closely with at all!"
"Perfect," grinned Mewtwo with a pointed stare at an oblivious Jigglypuff.
Ness
2nd to Jump
"How long does it take to get to the ground?" asked Ness nervously.
"Varies from guide to guide," replied the Swedish Thwomp...named...uh...Ikea.
"Oh, well that's helpful," said Ness flatly.
Ikea jumped off of the fortress, with Ness screaming after him.
"You can do it, Ness!" cried Kirby from the ground.
"This grass has scurvy!" called Roy.
"I'm-a Mario!" added Mario.
Ness hit the ground sharply, and Kirby went and got him a clue.
"Pit stop, my friend!" grinned Kirby cheerfully.
Bowser, Ganondorf
On Road Block
"You know what?" asked Bowser. "I'm going for it, and you should too! Screw waiting!"
"Like, you're supposed to go anyway," said Ganondorf.
"Nuts to that!" scoffed Bowser, jumping off the fortress.
"I don't, like I can't, I don't see how, ah well," stammered Ganondorf, following suit.
Kirby and Ness
Currently in 2nd Place
"Alright, let's get out of here to the pit stop!" declared Ness, cleaning off the bloodstains and Thwomp pieces embedded in his arm. "I think we pulled ahead of the frats!"
"It's about damn time!" fumed Kirby, drinking some scotch. "I thought we'd never end this freaking leg!"
"Oh, no!" gasped Ness. "I forgot to give you your drugs! You're a jerk again! Oh tragedy!"
Marth and Fox walked over, and handed Ness a syringe.
"Here you go, guy!" smiled Marth.
"Do frats say guy?" asked Fox.
Marth pondered this.
"Yes, I-yeah, I think they do," said Marth.
"Curious, bro," mused Fox.
The frats walked off, lost in thought.
"Thanks, opposing team!" smiled Ness brightly, as he stabbed Kirby with the syringe.
"EVERYWHERE I LOOK I SEE CRICKETS!" cried Kirby, his eyes bloodshot. "THEY WANT TO TAKE ME TO THEIR OVERLORD! I'M NOT READY, NESS! I'M NOT READY!"
Ness stabbed Kirby with the syringe again.
"Ah, how delightful," simpered Kirby, sniffing a petunia.
"Now, come on!" said Ness. "We need to beat the frats and prove that we can place high any time we want!"
Ness dragged Kirby past the frats and out a painting back into Peach's Castle.
Marth and Fox
Currently in 3rd Place
"Dude, are Kirby and Ness trying to beat us?" asked Fox.
"They can't be!" gasped Marth. "I gave them drugs, dude!"
"We'll crush 'em like the stupid little tweeked-out kids they are, man!" raged Fox, pounding his fist into his palm.
Ike and Pit
Currently in Last Place
"Okay, this must be Cool, Cool Mountain!" decided Pit, stepping through a painting.
"Can you tell us where we are?" Ike asked a passer-by.
"Um, you're in Tall, Tall Mountain," replied the passer-by.
"What?" asked Ike in disbelief. "We followed the signs! This is Cool, Cool Mountain!"
"Hey, does this mountain look cool, cool?" asked the passer-by heatedly.
"He does have a point," admitted Pit. "This mountain is pretty tall, tall,"
"Dammit!" cursed Ike. "Well, can you at least tell us how to get to Cool, Cool Mountain?"
"Um, jump off Tall, Tall Mountain," replied the passer-by. "See, you came in here through the castle's top floor. So to get anywhere on the ground floor, jump off the edge,"
"That makes absolutely no sense!" said Pit at the same time as Ike said "That makes perfect sense!"
Ike jumped, with Pit resignedly following.
Peach's Castle
The four lead teams all poured out of the door from Whomp's Fortress, and all ran towards the stairs.
Roy and Ganondorf
Currently in 3rd Place
"Follow Kirby and Ness, they've been like, tolerable this leg!" called Ganondorf.
"Yarr, but do they know wharr we're going?" asked Roy.
"We're all going upstairs, duh!" argued Ganondorf.
"But we arrrr upstairs," pointed out Roy, now that the four teams had made it into the circular, painting-filled room at the top of the staircase.
Kirby and Ness tore off in a different direction.
"I know where to go!" cried Ganondorf, dragging Roy in a different direction.
Marth and Fox
Currently in 4th Place
"Dude, this sucks!" grunted Marth. "We've been ridin' first since the leg began and now we're tied going to the pit stop!"
"I just hope someone's been left behind, man!" replied Fox, following Roy and Ganondorf.
Mario and Bowser
Currently in 5th Place
"Bowser-a, who are we following?" asked Mario. "Druggies or schizos?"
"Hey, watch the labelling!" protested Bowser. "That could offend!"
"I wish we had a label-a," lamented Mario.
"Follow Roy and Ganondorf!" decided Bowser on a whim.
"Seriously-a, we have Pokemon, frats, druggies, schizos, boyfriends, but what are we-a? Just Mario and Bowser-a? That's so tacky!" whined Mario.
Bowser rolled his eyes.
Roy and Ganondorf
Currently in 3rd Place
Roy and Ganondorf ran into a room, and checked the sign.
"Like, there's nothing here but a bunch of mirrors!" wailed Ganondorf.
"Yarr, sign says that this is the gateway to Snowman's Land," read Roy.
"Damn, we like, went the wrong way!" complained Ganondorf, turning and leaving the room.
Mario and Bowser
Currently in 5th Place
"Okay, we can be the...uh...the enemies?" asked Bowser. "How about it? That's our label! Can we go now!"
"Here's-a the frats!" cried Mario joyfully.
"Hi, the dudes we hate!" greeted Marth. "Listen brohams, Roy and Ganon led us the wrong way!"
"Damn!" cursed Bowser.
"Totally, man," replied Fox. "We gotta catch the – um, Mario, can I check the labels real quick?"
Mario pulled out a notepad with the six teams' stereotype labels written on them and handed it to Fox.
"We gotta catch the druggies!" said Fox, handing Mario back the pad.
Kirby and Ness
Currently in 2nd Place
"Ness, do you have a plan as to where Tiny-Huge Island is and how quickly we should get there?" asked Kirby innocently, the syringe still protruding from the side of his body.
"I do not have such a plan," replied Ness blankly, strolling along with Kirby.
Roy and Ganondorf
Currently in 5th Place
"Dammit, now like, everyone else has a head start on us!" complained Ganondorf.
"Arr, don't blame yourself!" chastised Roy. "Even though it be your fault!"
Ganondorf sighed, and walked into the door frame.
"Ow! Ow! Owwie!" whined Ganondorf, rubbing her...his...foot.
"What be it?" asked Roy, panicking.
"I walked into the door frame and totally busted my foot!" sobbed Ganondorf.
Roy checked Ganondorf's foot.
"It's not that bad," lied Roy.
Ganondorf had poisoned himself by getting asbestos from the castle stuck in an open wound from one of Roy's night terror attacks.
"It huuuurts!" moaned Ganondorf.
Kirby and Ness
Currently in 2nd Place
"Where is the Tiny-Huge Island painting anyway?" asked Ness, walking into Kirby. "Oops, sorry!"
Ness had knocked Kirby's drug syringe out.
Kirby's eyes became focused, and quickly narrowed to slits.
"HOW THE FORK AM I SUPPOSED TO KNOW?!" asked pre-drug Kirby. "What, do you think I'm some sort of (loud noise)ing map expert who knows where (distracting noise) is? I just want to (truck drove past)(phone rang)(music's too loud) your mother while you die because your (mom's saying dinner's ready)(fireworks)(you yourself are speaking and it's very distracting yet enthralling) exploded or some crap like that!"
Ness popped Kirby's syringe back in.
"I'm not sure, friend!" smiled Kirby.
Ness shed a single tear.
Roy and Ganondorf
Currently in 5th Place
"Arr, there be only one thing we can do," said Roy at once, looking grim.
"W-what?" asked Ganondorf.
"Arrrrrrmputate," replied Roy, taking out a coping saw and sawing Ganondorf's bad foot off.
"Won't this like, waste time?" asked Ganondorf through the pain.
Roy shrugged.
Cool, Cool Mountain
Ike and Pit
Completed Detour
Ike and Pit brought the baby penguin back to its mother with the greatest of ease.
"That sure was a great idea you had for us to complete that task quickly!" applauded Pit.
"Couldn't have done it without your extra ideas!" said Ike modestly.
"Okay, Whomp Fortress!" said Pit, reading the clue quickly.
"I know where that is, the entire Greil Kingdom went there on vacation!" smiled Ike.
"What a coincidence!" said Pit.
"All we have to do is take the owl!" said Ike, choosing an owl which resembled an owl on steroids.
Ike and Pit flew over to Whomp Fortress in record time.
Roy and Ganondorf
Currently in 5th Place
Roy's saw broke.
"Darrrn," lamented Roy.
"Like, now what'll we do?!" asked Ganondorf. "You've sawn half of my foot clean off!"
"We'll just have to make do!" said Roy. "Yarr, run!"
Ganondorf stood up gingerly, and limped at an extremely slow speed towards the door.
Whomp Fortress
Ike
On Road Block
Ike, strapped to a bag of dry meal, jumped off of the top of the fortress and landed neatly next to Pit.
"Who knew you had such good fast-falling skills!" grinned Pit.
"I didn't even know!" grinned Ike. "Let's go to Tiny-Huge Island!"
"We passed that on the way to Tall, Tall Mountain by mistake!" remembered Pit.
"Cool, so we know where we're going!" laughed Ike.
Ike and Pit hopped out of the painting.
Kirby and Ness
Currently in 2nd Place
"Okay, here's the painting!" smiled Kirby.
"After you," said Ness, biting his lip nervously.
Kirby and Ness hopped into the painting uncertainly.
"This is the right one!" smiled Ness, as he landed.
Ike and Pit
Currently in Last Place
"I hope we're not too late!" smiled Ike, climbing upstairs with Pit close behind.
Roy and Ganondorf
Currently in 5th Place
Roy supported Ganondorf, and slowly the pair made it out of the mirror room.
"Arr, we have a serious problem," admitted Roy.
"Like, you think?!" screamed Ganondorf incredulously, blood dripping from his half-foot. "My foot is like, shredded! Shredded wheat is shredded, this is freaking mutilated!"
"Arr, I just hope we've still got teams far behind us," arred Roy sadly.
Tiny-Huge Island
Kirby and Ness
Currently in 2nd Place
"There's Phil!" grinned Kirby triumphantly, running up a small hill.
"Crazy Hand," corrected Ness, beaming.
"Same thing," replied Kirby, stepping on the mat.
Ness rolled his eyes and followed.
"Kirby and Ness, you are team number two!" smiled Crazy Hand. "And correct Ness, my name is Crazy Hand!"
Kirby and Ness hi-fived.
"A good result for you two!" said Crazy Hand, impressed. "You overcame bunching by using proper navigation!"
"Yeah, and drugs!" grinned Ness.
"What?" asked Kirby and Crazy Hand together.
"I said yeah and then I just stopped talking altogether," said Ness in an unconvincing monotone.
Mario and Bowser
Currently in 3rd Place
"Did-a you see the frats-a?" asked Mario, desperately looking over his shoulder as he arrived.
"No, we're in the clear!" rejoiced Bowser, stepping on the mat.
"Mario and Bowser, you're team number three!" said Crazy Hand.
"Not bad-a," said Mario. "Have the frats-a arrived?"
"No..." said Crazy Hand.
"Then who are we-a behind?" asked Mario.
"Granted Kirby and Ness pulled ahead cause they went the right way, but Roy and Ganondorf busted up!" said Bowser.
"The Pokemon won the leg," replied Crazy Hand.
"Oh-a..." said Mario dejectedly.
"On the other hand, at least you didn't come second again!" grinned Crazy Hand.
Mario and Bowser partied.
Roy and Ganondorf
Currently in Last Place
"Did you just see like, two people run past us?" asked Ganondorf, on the verge of blacking out.
"No, why?" asked Roy, watching Ganondorf's suffering.
Marth and Fox
Currently in 4th Place
"Marth and Fox, you are team number four," said Crazy Hand grimly.
"Dude, lame," replied Marth. "We spent the whole leg in first until the very end!"
"There's always next time, man," said Fox threateningly.
Roy and Ganondorf
Currently in Last Place
"Like, this is the end!" despaired Ganondorf.
"Arr, I know!" agreed Roy. "The boyfriends werrrre hours behind!"
"No, I mean I'm going to die!" said Ganondorf.
"Yarr, stay positive!" reprimanded Roy. "We've got to stay in it to win it!"
"I'm like, not talking about the race!" whined Ganondorf.
"Yarr, wait!" said Roy. "Ike and Pit off the port bow! I have an idea!"
Roy ripped off Ganondorf's half-foot and performed a quick switch to give Ganondorf a peg-leg.
"What are you doing?!" screamed Ganondorf.
Roy threw Ganondorf's foot at Pit.
The foot hit an open wound and gave Pit HIV.
"Oh no!" cried Pit. "I have HIV!"
"I was clean!" said Ike at once.
"IKE!" screamed Jigglypuff, running out of Tiny-Huge Hotel. "You gave Pit HIV? How could you! I thought we were together! We are THROUGH, mister!"
Ike broke down crying.
"Like, why didn't you throw the peg-leg at him?" asked Ganondorf.
Roy stared at Ganondorf blankly.
"Never mind," sighed Ganondorf.
Roy and Ganondorf skipped merrily onto the pit stop.
"Roy and Ganondorf, you're..." began Crazy Hand, distracted by Ike, Pit, and Jigglypuff.
Dramatic pause.
Eyebrow pop.
Distinct lack of Crazy Hand's random Kiwi accent that has nothing to do with illegal voicebox surgery on Phil Keoghan.
"Come on!" raged Ganondorf.
"Arr, I demand placement!" agreed Roy.
"I want to quit reading!" said you.
"Must crack 10K!" said me. Said I. Shut up.
"...team number five," finished Crazy Hand.
"Yaaaay!" cheered Ganondorf.
"Why's he so happy?" asked Crazy Hand. "Fifth place at this stage is total crap!"
"Oh, I drugged the peg-leg," replied Roy.
Kirby and Ness sued Roy.
Ike and Pit
Currently in Last Place
A sobbing Ike and an AIDS'd Pit stepped onto the mat.
"Just get it over with," sighed Pit. "We really thought we'd move up from last,"
"Ike and Pit, you are the last team to arrive," said Crazy Hand. "And I'm sorry to tell you that you have been eliminated from the race,"
"Aw, well," said Pit.
"We overcame a lot of adversity on the show," sniffed Ike. "We ended up hours behind, got a Speed Bump, blew up a municipality, kidnapped a baby penguin, and I lost the love of my life, but at least we went out with a bang,"
"We've really proved that the gay community can really-" began Pit.
"We're not gay," said Ike.
...
"WHOAMFG!" said Pit.
Arrival Times?!
Mewtwo and Jigglypuff: 10:02am
Kirby and Ness: 12:24pm
Mario and Bowser: 12:35pm
Marth and Fox: 12:43pm
Roy and Ganondorf: 1:42pm
Ike and Pit: 1:44pm – ELIMINATED
"Next time on The Bootleg Smashy Amazing Race!" said Crazy Hand. "Teams go someplace!"
"Expect: more flight crap-ola!"
"Watch: Mario whine about everyone and everything!"
"Marvel as: People struggle on tasks!"
"Enjoy: Kirby and Ness discovering more advantages of drugs!
Please read, review, tell me who you want to win, who you want eliminated next, share your favourite moments, etc, etc, etc.
Oh, and get me a Coke. None of that Diet crap, the real stuff. Thanks.
