Notes: I think I can safely say this story has grown beyond my original intentions, and amazingly, that isn't a bad thing. At first I was aiming more for an angst fest with an occasional joke or two, but the jokes kinda overruled what little angst there was, and here we are. I blame the characters; I don't think Ichigo could be around a female for five minutes without SOMETHING hilarious happening. So you guys can stop staying this story has the elements of a crackfic. I think we were well past that point back when Yachiru unleashed the cheese grater, and definitely by the time Kon and Chizuru got together.
Ichigo and the Beanstalk
A Bleach Fairy Tale by
Nate Grey (XMAN0123-at-aol-dot-com)
Chapter 7: The Pied Piper of Karakura
Ichigo was not quite what some would consider a master of the obvious, but from time to time, he noticed things, especially if he felt he was being cheated somehow.
For example, he had noticed that while Yoruichi had always, ALWAYS been human (and nude) while he was forced to massage her feet, when Soifon did it, Yoruichi chose to remain a cat (again, nude, but then it was no big deal).
This was completely unfair for several reasons.
Soifon didn't have to worry about getting an erection, hiding an erection, thinking of sports and granny panties so she could kill an erection, or even having an erection in the same room as Yoruichi.
And if Ichigo seemed a bit preoccupied with erections, it was only because he was a guy, Yoruichi was... well, YORUICHI, and it was truly impossible to think of much else when massaging a nude Yoruichi's feet under those conditions.
In fact, Ichigo would be terribly interested to know that Soifon, despite not having to deal with erections, had some of the same thoughts about Yoruichi that HE did, only she was far better at concealing this behind a stern expression. Beyond that, it was not accurate to call Soifon a lesbian: she didn't like girls, she ONLY liked Yoruichi.
She was a Yoruichian.
In the interest of fairness, Ichigo had finally swallowed his pride and asked to sit in on one of the foot massages, supposedly so he could pick up some pointers. This was a lie, and they all knew it.
Ichigo would probably never reach the point where he was so in love with someone that he would be willing to massage their feet without some incentive.
Yoruichi was as clever as she was beautiful, and suspected that Ichigo knowing how to give a decent foot massage might very well be the one thing that got a girl to look past his mouth.
Soifon didn't care at all, so long as she was with Yoruichi.
Amazingly, Ichigo DID learn something, although not what he expected to. He assumed that Yoruichi had been a man in a former life, and that during that time, she'd banged Soifon's brains out, because Ichigo could think of nothing else that would inspire such complete devotion.
Ichigo had grumbled and complained when he'd had to massage Yoruichi's feet.
Soifon had massaged, oiled, and bathed Yoruichi's paws... even planted butterfly kisses on them after she was done!
After seeing that, Ichigo was perfectly willing to admit that he sucked at foot massages. He didn't even mind the smug look on Soifon's face... partially because he wasn't the one that had kissed a cat's feet, and he would ALWAYS remember that fondly.
Plus he knew where Urahara kept the security footage, and could easily have illegal copies of the massage playing all over Soul Society in a few days.
Rukia knew it was probably a bad idea from the start, but felt it was necessary to avoid further problems.
So she had dragged Nemu and Isane into Captain Ukitake's office, and slowly explained that she was NOT cheating on Ichigo, because they weren't together, and that she had two girlfriends, and so she wasn't cheating on her one boyfriend, which she never had in the first place.
Captain Ukitake had nodded, smiled, and congratulated them.
Rukia was almost out of the office when it happened.
"Of course, I'll need to see some proof of all this."
The next few minutes were some of the most humiliating in Rukia's life. she pretty much had to kiss both Nemu and Isane in front of him. And maybe she was imagining it, but she thought she saw a camera in his hand at one point.
Nemu had taken full advantage of this, and ended up doing most of the kissing. She tasted of cleanliness, which was not surprising.
Isane had been hesitant, but a good sport about it. Rukia found that she tasted like coffee, which of course Isane drank loads of to keep from falling asleep and having "daymares" (nightmares during the day).
Captain Ukitake had congratulated them again, and the nightmare was almost over.
Until.
"RUKIA!!!"
The door had burst open, and there was Renji, half dressed and panting.
Before Rukia could say anything, Renji had thrown himself at her feet, latching onto her ankles.
"I've always loved you, Rukia! Always!" he wailed. "I'll take you any way I can get you!"
And then came the kicker.
"Even if I have to share you with them! In the name of love, I'll make that sacrifice!"
Then he was back on his feet, draping his long arms around all three of the girls. "Lesbians need and deserve love! And I have enough love in my heart for all of you!"
Nemu immediately began poking at Renji's chest, presumably analyzing the properties of his enlarged heart.
Isane just stared at him in horror (she'd had nightmares about a killer pineapple soaked in blood, and Renji's head had the same profile).
Rukia was predictably furious. "You just want to sleep with all three of us!"
"But I'd do it for YOU!" Renji insisted. Which wouldn't have worked at all, even if he hadn't been staring at Nemu's chest.
"GET OUT!" Rukia shrieked.
"Maybe we should hear him out," Nemu said, pressing her ear to Renji's heart. "It would be an interesting study in-"
"Isane?" Rukia snapped.
Isane nodded, and both of them reached for their zanpakuto at once.
Renji was too fixated on Nemu's chest to notice, and a moment later, Captain Ukitake was admiring his brand new Renji snowman/ice sculpture.
"You know, Renji did bring up one important point," Isane said as the trio left the office.
"Lesbians?" Nemu asked.
"No, sleeping. With you two."
Rukia eyed Isane warily. "What about it?"
"It's really all I want to do." Isane paused, fully expecting angry responses.
Rukia blinked. "The way Renji meant it, or...?"
"The other way. The normal way. Where everyone's unconscious."
"So she's not our girlfriend anymore?" Nemu asked, looking slightly disappointed.
"Don't take it the wrong way," Isane said quickly. "I've always had nightmares, and sleeping with you two kept them away for a night. I also wouldn't be opposed to spending time with you outside of the closet. But I don't want you to get the wrong impression. I'm not really interested in a relationship, and-"
Rukia immediately threw her arms around Isane's neck in an eager hug. "THANK YOU!!!"
"Um, for what?" Isane asked slowly.
"You have NO idea how relieved I am! I went to bed single and woke up with two girlfriends. I thought I was going crazy!"
"Well, you still have a girlfriend..."
Rukia snorted loudly. "Nemu is EASY compared to being part of a lesbian threesome."
Isane grinned. "Then I think you'd better start spreading the word that you're a one woman girl, because it looks like you've got some offers."
Frowning, Rukia followed Isane's gaze... and found her office door absolutely covered in love notes, offers for one night stands, and even a marriage proposal... assuming that she and Nemu were willing to marry about half of the 11th Division in string bikinis.
"Rangiku!" Rukia howled. "This is her doing, I just know it! I bet she was the one that told Renji, too!"
"Does any of that really matter?" Nemu asked. "She brought us together, even if it was inadvertent. Did you forget? I can remind you..." Smiling slightly, she reached over and tickled Rukia's side, making her jump.
"Why don't I go through these for you, and write responses to the more, ah... tame ones?" Isane suggested, pulling some of the notes off of the door. "Some of these aren't TOO unreasonable, and you might change your mind later."
Nemu frowned and draped her arms around Rukia's waist. "Are you sure she can't be our girlfriend again? She seems like she'd be a really good one..."
Rukia shook her head. "No, she made her choice, Nemu-chan. We have to respect that."
"Then shouldn't we go back and tell Captain Ukitake? He still thinks we're all together. And how do you take back a kiss?"
"You don't, really. Which is all the more reason not to give them out lightly. They're usually fairly important."
Nemu considered that for a few seconds, before asking, "So wasn't it mean for you to kiss Isane if we were just going to break up with her later?"
"I didn't WANT to kiss her!" Rukia protested at once. "And SHE broke up with US!"
"You don't have to say it like I have the plague," Isane murmured, pouting a little.
"But... it... you... ARGH!" Rukia growled, pulling at her hair. "Just STOP! I didn't mmmmMMMPH!"
Isane blinked and looked up from the armful of love notes she had collected. "You didn't mmmmMMMPH? What's that supposed to..." She trailed off upon noticing that Nemu, in an attempt to calm down Rukia down, was kissing the shorter girl rather... thoroughly. And while it didn't seem to be working at first (as Rukia's wildly flapping arms seemed to indicate), Rukia's struggles slowly died down, and when Nemu finally broke the kiss, there was a dazed look on Rukia's face.
"You're always so excitable, Ruki-chan," Nemu said, patting her cheek. "But I'm glad you are, since it gives me an excuse to calm you down."
The whole scene struck Isane as odd, because from what she'd heard, so long as Rukia wasn't around Renji or Ichigo, she was perfectly calm. Apparently Nemu needed to be added to the list of people that constantly got Rukia excited (and not always in a good way).
Isane was pulled from her thoughts when Nemu said something truly odd.
"You'll still sleep with us, won't you, Isa-chan? Just because you're not our girlfriend doesn't mean we can't keep helping you with your nightmares."
Rukia said nothing, still being fairly dazed, and either she was now drooling, or Nemu was just a VERY enthusiastic kisser. This left Isane wondering if maybe she would've enjoyed the kiss in Ukitake's office better if she'd gotten it from Nemu instead. She quickly forced THAT line of thinking away.
"If it's alright with Rukia, I'd like that a lot, Nemu."
Rukia twitched slightly, possibly at recognizing her own name, but gave no other sign that she knew what they were talking about.
"I'm sure that was a yes," Nemu said happily.
Isane wasn't quite sure of that, but she figured it would be a while before Rukia was in any shape to argue with them.
Tatsuki didn't really believe in miracles. But having been Orihime's best friend for years, she firmly believed in dumb (or at least slightly non-intelligent) luck.
For example, there was the time when Orihime had tripped over her own feet at the grocery store, very nearly colliding with an old woman in front of her, but catching herself at the last second, only to find she'd stepped around the old woman just in time to become the millionth customer. Her prize was a lifetime supply of any one product. Orihime picked chocolate pudding. She'd eaten her way through three cases of the stuff (in one day) before Tatsuki found out, yelled at her, and told her to get rid of the rest. Orihime had reluctantly donated the rest to a local children's hospital, got her name printed in the paper, received a humanitarian award, and now had a whole wing in the hospital named after her. Plus the hospital sent her cards on holidays with pictures of plenty of children with pudding-stained lips. Instead of feeling good about this, Orihime only pouted and gave Tatsuki a hurt look whenever chocolate pudding was mentioned from then on.
Sadly, Tatsuki had a million stories like that about Orihime, none of which she particularly enjoyed sharing, because most of them made her friend seem... well, stupid. And since Orihime never seemed to realize when people were laughing at her instead of with her, it was easier to just not share them at all. Still, weird incidents like that seemed to happen to Orihime all the time.
So Tatsuki was not really shocked when something odd happened.
They'd been at yet another restaurant with a salad bar, and Tatsuki had made the mistake of going to the bathroom. That in itself wasn't a mistake. Leaving Orihime and Kouryou alone, and trusting that nothing would happen, THAT was the mistake.
By the time Tatsuki came back, reporters had surrounded the table and were sticking microphones in Orihime's face, while Kouryou was chopping up every food they stuck in front of him with his trusty butcher knife. Everyone was excited over the way his hand practically blurred when he cut something to pieces. Neither of them seemed to know how to handle the attention: Orihime was just plain confused, as she was so used to people trying to take Kouryou's knife away, and now people seemed to like that he had one. Kouryou was mostly ignoring the crowd, save for when a reporter got too pushy with Orihime, so his necktie "accidentally" got chopped up along with a ripe banana. No apology was offered, and no words were exchanged, but the reporters quickly realized that Kouryou was A Good Boy who did NOT tolerate people harassing his Mama.
Tatsuki had to kick several people out of the way before she could get back to her seat, and by then she was so annoyed that she just dragged Orihime and Kouryou out of the place, cursing under her breath the whole while. Orihime claimed that Tatsuki was being very rude, and Tatsuki was so frustrated that if she weren't worried about injuring her hand on Orihime's skull, she might very well have hit her.
Less than a day later, Tatsuki had to have her cell phone number changed, just so people would stop calling about her so-called lesbian life partner and their son the all purpose food slicer. She hoped the reporters would get the message.
They just started leaving interview offers on Orihime's windshield instead.
And since no power on the planet could convince Orihime to change her beloved car's VERY orange paint job from what Tatsuki teasingly called "Ichigo at Sunset," the car was terribly easy to find.
Also the "My Baby Eats Babies Like Yours for Breakfast!" bumper sticker that Orihime had dug up somewhere was quite unique in that NO ONE else had one. Or at least they wouldn't admit they did in public.
Captain Hitsugaya was having a bad day.
The worst part was, unquestionably, that Matsumoto had SOMEHOW talked some fool into taking over her duties for the day. Which, as she put it, "Means I'm ALL yours for the day, my darling captain!"
And then she had hugged him. For ten minutes.
Thankfully, between his usual duties, and a mysterious assignment that popped up later, Hitsugaya had more than enough to keep him occupied.
Of course, that didn't stop Matsumoto and her little boyfriend Hanataro from following him absolutely everywhere.
Despite SOME of the rumors floating around about Matsumoto, Hitsugaya had always thought of her as being rather clean: she rarely smelled of anything other than perfume, body lotion, or just a hint of sake, none of which were unwelcome scents, at least not coming from her.
And yet, amazingly, ironically, during the whole time that Matsumoto and Hanataro were with him, the ONLY thing that kept popping into Hitsugaya's head was how very, very DIRTY Matsumoto was.
Several times he caught her whispering things into Hanataro's ear, things which inevitably caused him to turn bright red, have severe nosebleeds, or faint right there on the spot.
Several MORE times he caught her licking Hanataro, usually in places that, while they weren't ODD places to lick someone, still were places NOT meant to be licked in public.
Frequently he had to separate them, because somehow they would go from holding hands to, seconds later, Matsumoto touching Hanataro inappropriately, in places DEFINITELY not meant to be touched in public.
Finally, Hitsugaya had taken Hanataro aside, and outright asked him if he thought that maybe Matsumoto was coming on a BIT strong. He assured Hantaro that there was no need to be embarrassed if she was taking advantage of him, and promised that they could find some way to handle the situation privately, without involving anyone else.
Hanataro had claimed he needed to think about it, and promptly returned to Matsumoto's side, where he whispered something in her ear (and most probably got his backside fondled in the process).
Hitsugaya had no idea where the breakdown in communication had occurred.
All he knew was that Matsumoto now thought that he was interested in entering into a threesome with them, and that he had the hardest time trying to stay at least ten feet away from her after that point.
At any rate, by the time Hitsugaya got around to investigating the mysterious happenings in the Rukongai, he was exhausted, irritable, and partially fondled himself.
He was completely unprepared for what he found in the 1st District.
It was a salad bar. In the middle of the road. Fully stocked, and with cute waitresses to help children and the elderly find what they needed.
That, however, was not what Hitsugaya found most alarming.
Several people, while waiting in line, briefly showed Hollow characteristics, such as white masks, or exaggerated body parts. Some people actually had seemingly permanent Hollow traits. Others... well, they actually WERE Hollows, from what he could see.
And yet all they really seemed set on eating was the tuna salad, which, apparently, was out of this world.
Hitsugaya turned to Matsumoto, just to make sure he wasn't the only one seeing this. But when he turned around to ask, she was gone.
She hadn't gone far. She'd gotten in line behind a Hollow that resembled an overgrown teddy bear, and was asking if they were allowed to go through line more than once.
"This is all rather odd, isn't it?" Hanataro asked between mouthfuls of strawberry shortcake.
Hitsugaya just gave up at that point, and asked Matsumoto if he could cut in line. She agreed... except he ended up having to pretend he was her child, so their meal would cost less. He didn't really mind too much, though.
The tuna salad WAS out of this world.
There were several choices that Hanakari Jinta regretted making in his life.
Constantly forgetting Ururu's birthday.
Constantly forgetting to hide Ururu's supply of ammo and weapons on the aforementioned forgotten birthdays.
Having turned down the health plan that Urahara offered, especially on those forgotten birthdays.
Asking Yuzu out while she was within five feet of Karin (and a blunt, dull object).
The latest choice that Jinta regretted had NOTHING to do with girls, for once.
And therein lay the problem.
When Urahara had suggested a little vacation, and jokingly said the theme was male bonding, Jinta had known he was kidding.
Rather typically, Tessai had not. Which had made for a very, VERY awkward vacation that each of them was forbidden to mention ever again. Personally, the first thing Jinta intended to do when they got back was find Ururu and hug her for at least an hour. He was NEVER leaving the shop without her, not after the things he'd seen.
Similarly, Urahara was desperately hoping that Yoruichi was around. If not, he would rudely invite himself into the Kurosaki home once again. He just needed to be around SOMETHING girly to feel... somewhat less violated.
Tessai was driving the van. Also humming, and looking quite pleased with himself.
Jinta and Urahara shot him dirty looks before shuddering and moving closer to their respective windows...
Ichigo could count the number of times that he'd been locked inside of a bathroom on one hand. Twice at school, twice at home, and once at Orihime's apartment (he was convinced that Tatsuki had talked Chad into locking him in with Orihime; everyone was disappointed when they emerged annoyed, embarrassed, and hickey-free).
This was the first time that Ichigo had ever barricaded himself inside of a bathroom, though. He feared it would not be the last, either.
"Put it ON!" shouted an excited voice that could only belong to Yachiru.
"Take it OFF!" Yoruichi insisted, following that with several wolf whistles and rapping her knuckles on the door.
Ichigo glared at the door, which shuddered ominously under the force. Yoruichi wasn't really trying... yet. He didn't want it to get to that point. The bathroom belonged to his sisters, and Yuzu, at least, had a fear of using it with the door open (Ichigo had tried pointing out that dead spirits could pass through doors, but this had not helped in the slightest). He doubted she'd be able to go with the door missing entirely.
Checking the mirror one last time, Ichigo muttered a curse under his breath and slowly unlocked the door.
It was immediately flung open, and all of the women crowded around to see: Yachiru, Suteneko, Hinamori, Ururu, Yoruichi, even Soifon (and if she had been drooling as much as the others were, or at all, Ichigo would've marched right back into the bathroom; some things were too scary even for him).
After a long moment, Suteneko broke the silence. "It's missing something," she decided.
Yachiru finally asked, "Where's the strawberries? Where's the kittens? Where's the PINK?"
"There isn't any," Ichigo growled.
"BOR-ING!"
Ichigo threw a roll of toilet paper at her.
Yachiru ducked, and the toilet paper bounced off of Ururu's head. She caught the roll, then used a little of it to wipe away some of the blood slowly trickling from her nose.
Ichigo seriously considered going back into the bathroom a second time.
"Aren't you going to model it for us, Ichigo?" Hinamori complained. "At least spin around a little!"
"You spin, then pretend I did it!" he snapped.
Yoruichi rolled her eyes. "You have to be the grumpiest stripper I've ever seen. I hope you don't expect a tip."
Soifon stared at him for several long seconds. Finally, she shook her head. "I don't understand the significance of the shoulder symbols, Kurosaki."
Ichigo sighed, but since she was the only one that hadn't outright insulted his new haori (courtesy of Ishida Threads), he decided to explain things to her. "Each symbol represents one of the masters I trained under to get where I am today," he said, passing his fingers over the designs on top of each shoulder.
"So the black cat wearing the hat..."
"Is me and Urahara," Yoruichi replied proudly.
"And the Hollow mask and skull side by side?"
"That's Other Ichi and Ken-chan!" Yachiru chimed in happily. She had been one of the few shinigami that was not absolutely terrified to learn of Ichigo's inner Hollow. Instead, she had begged to put makeup on him, and not surprisingly, the Hollow now refused to emerge so long as Ichigo was within twenty feet of Yachiru.
"But what about the full moon on the back?" Ururu asked softly, using that as a flimsy excuse to cop a feel.
Ichigo brushed her hand away from his butt absently. "Zangetsu."
"HEY!" Yachiru shouted. "We helped you train, too! Me and Suteneko and Ururu should get symbols, too! I want a huge strawberry, and a pink kitty eating it, right here!" She smacked him on the chest.
"None of you are masters," Ichigo replied, smirking. "But I will say thanks, anyway."
"I'd settle for you taking it off," Ururu murmured with a blush.
A week later, "Cooking with Kou-kun" was the most popular cooking show in the world. Nobody could say why, though. Only about half of the food was even remotely edible at the end, and no one was brave enough to take their chances with that portion, either.
There were many attempts to explain the show's appeal. Most people assumed it was Kou-kun's smiling, bouncy, busty mother. Others thought it was her supposed lesbian lover who was also a world karate champ. Still others believed that viewers were simply waiting for the episode when SOMETHING finally exploded, and coated Orihime in a dripping mess. But since Kou-kun rarely ventured far from cut-up hot dogs, this seemed sadly unlikely.
In the end, only shinigami were able to see the truth. Only they could see the peculiar, blue flashes of light every time Kou-kun chopped something up. Only they could sense the growing spiritual awareness spreading rapidly across the human world. Curiously, no one human gained any substantial power from this movement. Instead, nearly all of them seemed to gain low level powers: just enough to possibly spook a weak Hollow, or even drive it away if enough people were around.
Kou-kun was teaching the human world to defend itself. Why, no one could be certain. But as humans became more reliant on their own power, the shinigami presence in the world was sharply reduced. There were other, more needy realms that needed seeing to, such as the growing population in the Rukongai. Curiously, all of Kou-kun's "converts" (and their salad bars) were immediately welcomed into the more peaceful districts. Not even the Hollows were turned away (although some of them occasionally ventured into the rougher districts, just to let off steam).
General Yamamoto was curiously quiet about the sweeping changes. He was later found in his private quarters, watching his copy of Yoruichi's massage and pigging out on tuna salad from his own personal salad bar.
Ichigo, Yachiru, and Hinamori returned to Soul Society in a far more subdued manner than they'd first left it. They'd each received distinctly different orders shortly before their arrival.
Ichigo was to report immediately to the 11th Division, because it was apparently bad form for him to be wearing a captain's haori without actually doing anything captain-like. A formal ceremony recognizing his promotion was scheduled in the coming months.
Yachiru had to go directly to the 12th Division. General Yamamoto had taken certain steps to ensure that she never lost control of her power (or focused it) in such a way that was greatly damaging to the Seireitei. This turned out to be not such a bad thing: the old man had merely commissioned a stylish set of matching hairbands and collars (that served the same function as Zaraki's old eyepatch) for Yachiru and Suteneko to wear at all times. Yachiru had been so touched that she gave Yamamoto a loud, wet kiss on the top of his head... in hot pink lipstick. Consequently, she was forbidden from ever getting within ten feet of him, and her cosmetics were taken away, because even the brains in the 12th Division were stumped as to how to remove the liptstick stain from Yamamoto's head (although certain captains thought it made him seem far more approachable).
Hinamori was transferred into the 2nd Division to be Soifon's direct subordinate. No one was quite sure what this meant, save for Soifon herself. What was obvious, though, was that after one month, Hinamori was not the same person. If anything, she was another Soifon, except that she was able to "turn off" her serious side at will. Ichigo couldn't decide if Hinamori having multiple personalities was an improvement or not, but she did seem largely content now, so he didn't question it much.
"Rukia's got a giiiiiiiirlfriend!" Ichigo sang as he swaggered into Rukia's office, a wide grin stretched across his face.
Scowling, Rukia looked up from her desk, half-expecting to see Yachiru perched on Ichigo's shoulder, ready to sing along. Surprisingly, the girl was absent, and Rukia was secretly glad for it.
"You know, I didn't believe it when Yumichika first told me. I mean, it's Yumichika, what the hell would HE know about dating girls? But then when Renji told me, I knew it had to be true, because why the hell would Renji EVER give up on getting into your pan-" Ichigo broke off abruptly to duck the paperweight that Rukia threw at his head. "Hey! I'm pretty sure you can get punished for attacking a captain, Kuchiki!"
"Not when it's the 11th Division one, Kurosaki," she replied, smirking. "He's all about fighting, remember? If anything, I should be commended for keeping you on your toes." Rukia paused, allowing her gaze to linger on his new attire. "You look... good, Ichigo," she added in a more fond tone. "Like you should've been wearing that a long time ago."
"Except Captain Zaraki would've killed me for trying on his," he pointed out grimly, fingering the shoulder of his white haori. "Funny how that worked out, huh?"
Sighing, Rukia stood up, walked around her desk, and smacked him very lightly on the cheek. "Stop that." She let her hand linger as she smiled up at him. "You know I didn't mean it that way."
"Yeah, I know," Ichigo muttered, but even though his eyes were on her, he was more looking through her than anything else.
Suddenly inspired, Rukia slid her hand around to the back of his neck and tugged his head down toward hers. "I'm going to kiss you now, Ichigo," she teased, knowing he wasn't paying attention.
"Uh huh," he grunted, his expression remaining blank.
Ichigo was REALLY distracted, because Rukia was able to get so close that she was breathing on his mouth, and he STILL wasn't reacting.
So of course she grinned evilly and sank her teeth into his bottom lip.
It was only years of battle experience that kept Ichigo from yanking his head back and screaming, both of which probably would've resulted in his lip being torn clean off (although there would've been nothing clean about it, what with the blood and all). Instead, he shut his eyes tightly and did his best to keep from hitting Rukia, knowing any sudden impact to her body might result in more pain for him.
Once Rukia was sure that she had his full attention, she carefully withdrew her teeth, spotting a small amount of blood pooling on Ichigo's lip. In a surprisingly intimate gesture (especially considering what she'd just done), she leaned forward and gently ran her tongue along his lip, tasting blood and, surprisingly, caramel (although if Ichigo HAD stolen some of Yachiru's candy, it was no wonder the girl wasn't with him; that was one of the quickest ways to spark a Yachiru hissy fit). Rukia even made a return swipe with her tongue before stepping back, staring up into Ichigo's eyes. She could see anger, confusion, and possibly even a hint of desire, although maybe he was just squinting to keep tears of pain from springing up.
"What. The. HELL, Rukia!" he finally snapped, gingerly poking at his lip.
"Oh, can you see me now?" she asked. "If I catch you feeling sorry for yourself again, I'm going to give you a kiss that makes THAT one seem like a peck on the cheek."
Ichigo immediately took a few steps back and covered his mouth with a hand, glaring at her.
Rukia grinned, shaking her head, and flicking her tongue out to draw the blood stained on her lips into her mouth, which had the bonus effect of creeping him out even more.
"You're not going to swallow that, are you?!" he demanded.
"I hadn't really thought that far ahead," Rukia admitted with a sultry smile. "Why? Does it bother you? I thought every teenage boy wanted a little of himself inside of a cute girl..."
"Dammit, Rukia, spit it out!" Ichigo insisted, his eyes bulging a bit.
She tilted her head slightly, loving the way he was freaking out. "I don't know if I want to now. We've never been this close before, Ichigo..."
"Dammit, PLEASE!" Ichigo practically begged.
"Oh, fine, you big baby," Rukia sighed. She turned away and tapped a button on her desk. "Nemu-chan, could you come in here, please? I need a favor."
A moment later, the door opened, and Ichigo frowned as Nemu walked in. "Why do you need her to-"
Rukia waved him off, turning to Nemu. "I bit Ichigo, and he doesn't want me to swallow his blood. Could you help us out?"
"Of course, Ruki-chan," Nemu responded. And before Ichigo could think to stop her, Nemu planted her lips on Rukia's, and her tongue in Rukia's mouth.
Ichigo could only watch in horror (and somewhat disgusted awe) as his blood, and undoubtedly great quantities of Rukia's spit, were loudly suctioned into Nemu's mouth.
And THEN she swallowed.
Ichgio's mouth worked soundlessly. And here he'd thought he'd been doing something by simply teasing Rukia about having a girlfriend. He had definitely lost this round. Badly. Almost like he'd lost, and then lost AGAIN in some weird parody of overtime, just to show there was NO chance of his ever winning at all.
So why did a very small part of him (better known as Lil' Ichi) feel like celebrating?
"I will return after I have thoroughly analyzed Kurosaki's blood content," Nemu stated as she headed for the door. "He tastes like this will take some time."
"She can do that?" Ichigo asked weakly after Nemu had gone.
"Of course," Rukia answered. "You didn't think we did that just to make you feel small, did you?"
"Um, YEAH!"
"You should know I never do anything JUST to prove a point, Ichigo. Although, if I HAPPEN to prove that I am ALWAYS right in the process, well, I can't help THAT, can I?"
"I don't like you," he muttered.
"Then why did you let me bite you?"
"...shut up."
Laughing, Rukia started to walk past him, then stopped. "Oh, I didn't see the back earlier. Hold still." She grabbed his haori, stretching it out so she could see the whole thing.
"Just hurry up," Ichigo sighed.
Rukia's eyes were drawn to a small point on the full moon. It almost looked like a crater, and yet was somehow familiar to her. Curious, she passed her thumb over it, and allowed just a hint of her spiritual pressure to flow into the material on a whim.
Instantly, the cloth responded, and a ripple effect spread out from the crater, revealing it to be an eye. Pretty soon, the entire moon was revealed to be the giant, smiling face of Chappy the Rabbit. Just below it were two chibified, devil versions of Rukia and Uryu holding pitchforks, complete with tiny wings and horns. They were prancing atop the caption, "Captain Chappy Was Here!"
It took remarkable self control for Rukia not to burst into laughter. Instead, she cleared her throat and released the material. The full moon returned within the space of a second, as if the rest had never been there. Uryu was quite clever; the cloth probably only reacted to her unique spiritual pressure. She would definitely have to kiss him the next time she saw him: this was just TOO good.
"Ichigo," Rukia said softly as he turned to face her.
"Yeah?" he asked warily.
"I LOVE you," she replied with emphasis, her lips quivering. "SO much right now. Really. You will never, EVER know how much I do. So I'm telling you. Because I absolutely do. So you better leave before I decide to kiss you again."
Ichigo immediately sprang for the door, but he was not out of it in time to keep from hearing Rukia's uncontrollable howls of laughter. Sometimes, that girl was just SCARY...
Captain Komamura was in a reflective mood as he left the Shinigami Academy, and this was not unusual for him. He had always been a being of quiet, private reflection, and increasingly so in the past few years of his life.
There were several thoughts occupying his head currently, and most of them were at least indirectly connected to one former Captain Tousen. For his part, Captain Komamura had lost a great deal of sleep over the betrayal of his once close friend, although thanks largely to his intensely private nature, especially where his face was concerned, hardly anyone had even noticed.
Still, a little concern, or some sort of recognition, other than the suspicion and distrust he'd been getting, would've been appreciated. While he was not the type to seek comfort in others, even he had needs, and-
"HI, KOMA-KOMA!!!"
...and that was most definitely not one of them.
Captain Komamura sighed and came to a reluctant stop as Yachiru suddenly came flying over a nearby wall, only to land neatly on his shoulder. Any other time, he might have at least tried to shake her off, but that would mean acknowledging her presence in the first place, which would only prove both tiresome and foolish.
Although she WAS apparently happy to see him, and that, at least, was a somewhat welcome change.
Maybe.
"You're sad today," Yachiru said suddenly, her tone surprisingly perceptive. She reached over and patted his head covering with startling gentleness, for her. "Want to talk about it?"
"I'd rather not, Lieutenant," he replied firmly.
"Oh, okay." Yachiru beamed at him and whipped something out of her pocket. "I got this really cool set of stickers from the nice Uno lady!"
Captain Komamura stared at the small, incredibly shiny sheet of stickers being shoved into his face. No doubt Captain Unohana (and indeed, any other captain who didn't wish to be hounded by Yachiru for too long when she was bored) had come across yet another rather effective distraction for the pink-haired menace.
One day, in one of his more lucid moments, he was going to remind himself to marry that woman, if for no other reason than to keep Yachiru away from him.
It was in that moment that something amazing happened.
"I've got lots," Yachiru said, apparently not noticing that he didn't really care. "Want to share them?"
"No," was his quick reply, obviously.
Except that it came out sounding suspiciously more like, "Please."
Exactly like it, in fact. Because five minutes later, half of Yachiru's sticker sheet was empty, Yachiru was getting a free ride back to her Division, and Captain Komamura's head covering was now covered in a countless amount of very shiny stickers: smiley faces, shooting stars, and of course the obligatory lions, tigers, and bears.
It was over far too quickly.
Then Yachiru was waving and yelling, "BYE, KOMA-KOMA! I LOVE YOU!!!"
This, of course, drew several stares.
But Captain Komamura decided he didn't care. Someone had noticed him. And now, thanks to the stickers, everyone would. Not because he was under suspicion, but because his head covering was so incredibly, awesomely shiny. And that was okay with him.
It was even more okay when, feeling nothing could go wrong that day, he walked right into the 4th Division, and asked Captain Unohana if she'd like to have some tea with him.
She said yes, of course. And why wouldn't she?
He was awesomely, incredibly shiny.
And chicks definitely dug the shiny.
Not long after that, there was an incident involving several Divisions.
Apparently, Captain Kurotsuchi had found Kuchiki Rukia in a compromising position with what he assumed was one of the back-up clones of his lieutenant, Kurotsuchi Nemu.
At first, Captain Kurotsuchi was furious.
Then, however, Rukia offered to pay him monthly fees to rent said "clone" from him.
After some consideration, Captain Kurotsuchi agreed, knowing that 1) the Kuchiki family was filthy rich, 2) there had to be others who would be interested in renting Nemu clones, and 3) the rent could be used to fund his research privately, which meant no more getting approval for every major project he worked on. Also, it didn't hurt his ego that everyone in the Seireitei was praising Nemu as either a godsend or a true work of scientific genius (although he was a bit miffed that no one ever thought to actually praise him directly).
Pretty soon every Division had at least one Nemu clone, if for no other reason than the captain and lieutenant could slack off while she did all of the paperwork. Supposedly even General Yamamoto had one feeding him grapes from his salad bar, but that was only a rumor (mostly she just slowly ate bananas while he watched and giggled).
Ichigo was no stranger to the odd but largely peaceful area that composed his mindscape. The unsettling feeling he'd once gotten from standing on sideways buildings was gone now, and it was a good thing, too: if merely standing on them had still made him queasy, there was no way he ever would've learned to fight on them.
Thankfully, frequent meetings and sparring sessions with both Zangetsu and Ichigo's inner Hollow had made existing in that place second nature to him, although the two occupants still managed to surprise him. Zangetsu liked to abruptly change the environment to keep Ichigo on his toes, while the Hollow would drastically alter his fighting style in the middle of a battle, forcing Ichigo to either adapt quickly or learn slowly (and painfully).
Any damage Ichigo suffered in his mind always transferred over to his body in the real world, but considering how often he got challenged, no one was ever surprised to find him bandaged from head to toe overnight. Rukia, Yachiru, and Captain Unohana had even come up with a rather silly game known as Ichigo Bingo: whichever of them bandaged him up the most times in a month had the other two do their paperwork for a week. Really, it was pointless, since Yachiru always got someone else to do her paperwork, Captain Unohana won every single time, and even the Kuchikis didn't have enough money to bribe the 4th Division officers to drag Ichigo all the way to Rukia's office every time he got injured. But Rukia was too proud to give up, and Yachiru didn't mind always coming in second since Captain Unohana was nice enough to provide consolation prizes, usually consisting of candy, stickers, or random plushies.
The one constant about the mindscape was that only three people had ever been able to appear in it. So it was quite a shock for Ichigo to enter it unexpectedly one night, only to find his inner Hollow comparing battle tactics with Zaraki Kenpachi. That in itself was absurb, since the Hollow had only ever subscribed to the classic "hack and slash" method, which consisted largely of wailing away at something until it stopped moving, or at least ceased to be interesting as a bleeding mass of pulp. Zaraki, at least, was slightly more inventive in his approach, in that he restrained his own strength to draw battles out, and stopped attacking once death or defeat was a certainty for his foe (although that was mostly because either outcome bored him).
For several moments, Ichigo could only stand there frozen. He knew very well that Zaraki was, well, technically deader than dead, and so what he was seeing now could only be, at at worst, a ghost of a ghost, or a mere representation of the former captain in his own mind.
Naturally, Ichigo was fairly startled when the ghost finally noticed him, walked over, and calmly punched him dead in the face.
"You coward," Zaraki growled as Ichigo scrambled back to his feet. "To think I was proud to have you in my Division once. If I was still alive, I'd beat you until my hands were numb. How dare you show your face here, when all you've ever done is half-ass it in a fight?"
By that point, Ichigo was very reasonably offended. His first fight against Zaraki, he'd held absolutely nothing back. To be accused of such hurt slightly more than that punch in the face had. "What the hell are you talking about?! I gave my all every time we fought! That's why you're DEAD now, Captain!"
"Then what the hell is that?" Zaraki demanded, jabbing a finger at the Hollow. "A drunken mistake with a camera? All this time I thought you were something special. But how could you be so stupid, so cowardly as to lock away over half of your true fighting potential?"
The Hollow made a show of smirking, breathing on his fingernails, and buffing them on his clothes. Behaving like a total ass, in other words. But it was his preferred hobby, after all.
"So what are you saying?" Ichigo asked mildly. "That I should just... let him take control?"
Zaraki scowled and cuffed him on the side of the head. "You idiot! Instead of wasting your power fighting against each other, you should be working together. Weren't you the same preachy kid that once thought I'd never beat you because I hadn't learned my zanpakuto's name? How are you any better, when you know you've got all this talent and are too afraid to use it? You disgust me, and you should disgust yourself."
"Trust me, he does," the Hollow chimed in, smiling as Ichigo glared at him.
"Until you're ready to become a real captain, I don't want you anywhere near my sword," Zaraki stated with a sneer as he started to fade away. "Give it to Yachiru if you're too chicken to fight with your all. Even when she's acting like a total nutjob, she'd never shame me this way."
Normally, an insult like that would've sent Ichigo into a rant at least five minutes long. But all he could manage was a rather genuine scowl, which was far different from the default one that was usually plastered on his face. Zaraki had never hesitated to point out the flaws of his officers, but this was the only time when Ichigo had felt his former captain was truly disappointed in him.
"Sucks to be you," the Hollow commented, staring at the spot where Zaraki had been standing a moment ago. "I bet your whole face will swell up tomorrow."
"I guess you agree with him," Ichigo said quietly.
The Hollow snorted loudly. "Hell no! I say you give me full control and be done with it. I'd make way better use of this body. If it wasn't for that little pink menace and her makeup, I would've done it already. You just got lucky she likes you so much, that's all. Can't imagine why, though. You suck." With that, he started to walk away.
"Hey, wait," Ichigo called after him.
"Not in the mood to kick your ass today," the Hollow replied, waving over his shoulder.
"...but what if he's right?"
The Hollow stopped. "About what?"
"What if either of us will never be as strong as we could be together?"
"Fat chance of THAT happening. You're too chicken, and I've got way too much pride to lower myself to-"
"What if we made a deal?"
There was a long pause.
"Alright, partner," the Hollow said as he turned around, a wicked grin spreading across his face. "Let's talk terms..."
Without warning, a wave of amazingly powerful spiritual pressure rolled over all of Soul Society that night. It was completely unlike anything that any shinigami had ever felt before, and yet, it was slightly familiar to a select few.
Tucked snugly in her bed next door to the source of the wave, between Suteneko and a giant pink teddy bear, Yachiru threw a sock full of candy at the wall. "Keep it down, Ichi-kun!" she grumbled. "People are trying to sleep!"
Over in the 12th Division, Isane woke up screaming, "NO, ICHIGO! DON'T EAT ME!!!"
Rukia shot up beside her, followed a few seconds later by a still half-asleep Nemu.
Isane shot them a guilty look. "Sorry..." she murmured.
"Oh, there is NO way you're not telling us about THAT nightmare," Rukia said firmly, folding her arms over her chest. "Spill!"
Nemu muttered something that might have been agreement and laid her head on Rukia's shoulder. She was snoring lightly within seconds.
"Well... Ichigo was an evil, giant marshmallow," Isane began hesitantly. "With yellow gummy bears for eyes! And he was chasing me-"
"Did he have hair?" Rukia asked.
"Huh? Oh... no, I don't think so. But he had claws!"
"And he was trying to eat you?"
Isane shivered slightly. "Well, his mouth was wide open, and he was laughing so cruelly. I didn't think to ask him. I just ran..."
"Would you like some warm milk?" Rukia offered. "Maybe some sliced fruit?"
Isane quickly shook her head. "The last thing I want is to eat something." She scooted closer to Rukia and clung to her free arm. "Let's just go back to bed, please. I'd like to try and forget about this."
Rukia said nothing, knowing how unlikely that was. She was probably the only person in the bed that realized Isane's nightmare was all too real, brought on by that unsettling wave of spiritual pressure that was both like Ichigo's, and yet nothing like it.
It worried her. More than that, it scared her.
"You idiot," Rukia murmured, closing her eyes. "If you're hurt again, I'll kill you..."
Several minutes after that, things were quiet in the 11th Division. In Ichigo's quarters, there was no movement as a young man stared into a full-length mirror, taking in the changes in his appearance. He was not pleased, nor dissatisfied by what he saw.
"We have a deal," he whispered softly.
"For the first time, we agree, partner," came the silky, gleeful voice from the Hollow mask attached awkwardly to the far right side of his head, covering his ear and cheek. Occasionally it would tug hard on his hair, not because it needed to, but just because it could, as if to remind him that it wasn't going anywhere.
"Stupid," Ichigo said, more to himself than the lingering presence he was slowly growing used to. "I couldn't trust you to watch my back, so I gave you part of one of my sides instead."
"You just keep the pink midget away from me or the deal's off," the Hollow hissed, both inside his head and directly into his ear, resulting in a creepy echo.
"I know, I know. You just keep your ass stuck to my head, and tell me if you hear anything that I can't hear because of you, otherwise we're both dead."
End of Chapter 7.
Next Chapter: Beauty and the Quincy
In which Yuzu's sunny disposition severely challenges Quincy codes, the 11th Division holds ranking battles, the Gotei 13 gets an overhaul in the form of several simultaneous promotions, and Kon learns (the hard way) not to make light of Chizuru's preferred variation of HLA: Hardcore Lesbian Activities (yes, I'm going there, so avert your eyes now).
Endnotes:
To be fair, Tessai PROBABLY is not gay. On the other hand, he's one of two male characters in Bleach that I would NOT be at all shocked to later discover was into guys all along. Although I would rather get into a fight with Tessai, if only because he wouldn't be ranting about his pretty face the whole time.
I'm sure Renji does love Rukia on some level. Really, is there any other sane reason to willingly get into a fight with Byakuya? But the line would no doubt be longer if Rukia was a package deal with Nemu, or any other Bleach female, for that matter.
Cooking shows really only have three purposes, in my opinion. 1) To show you a meal you'll either never be able to make, or wouldn't want to make on your own time. 2) To make you hungry. 3) To sell stuff. The really silly part is that Bleach could do all of that simply by putting Orihime in a kitchen while the credits roll. You might not be hungry for food at the end, but you'd be drooling either way.
Salad bars used to be a really big deal where I'm from. But I come from a big family that eats out two to four times a week, so that's expected. If you don't know the power of a salad bar: for a low price, you could eat as much as you wanted of stuff that was arguably good for you. The only risk was the occasional unsupervised kid with good reach and poor depth perception (and most times the only mess they made was on the floor in clear view).
I've noticed a pattern with the captains' haori (the white coats!). Usually, the more distinguished captains, or the ones more associated with being calm and collected, have haoris with sleeves. So it makes more sense for Ichigo to have a sleeveless haori (especially since Zaraki had one, and both would be fighting a lot, so sleeves would get in the way). Also, even with the "sleeveless" design, the haori ends right at the shoulder tip, so it's more like a VERY short sleeved coat, and there's plenty of room for Ichigo's shoulder designs (they're on TOP of the shoulder, not on the sides, since the haori ends right before that point). The full moon on the back encompasses the usual Division symbol inside the Gotei 13 rhombus (although those two vanish when "Captain Chappy" is visible). In case you couldn't tell, this is Uryu's way of stating that both he and Rukia were also responsible for Ichigo's training (Rukia being his first teacher, and Uryu his first rival).
Keep in mind, this story assumes that Ichigo has had no formal training to suppress his inner Hollow.
Okay, the Ichigo/Rukia moment was meant to throw you a bit. It came way out of left field for me as I was writing, but afterwards I couldn't bring myself to change it. It DOES seem like something Rukia might do, at least after she and Ichigo had been friends for a few more years. She had to get back at him for tossing her off the top of the execution ground like a sack of potatoes, for one thing. On second thought, I would never handle potatoes so roughly, and definitely wouldn't throw them at an injured person. Unless, you know, I didn't like them, and wasn't in the mood for baked potatoes anytime soon.
You know what, I have no defense for the little scene with Komamura, except to say, "You wanted crackfic, you got it." Bam.
I dunno if there's a certain way the inner Hollow usually addresses Ichigo, and I really only had the dubbed anime to go by. In this sense, "partner" is a bit more literal, since they actually ARE working together.
This chapter title inspired by "The Pied Piper of Hamlin," which is about an elaborate kidnapping plot. Of course, at the time, we just assumed he took the kids to Chuck E. Cheese or something, but when you don't bring them back home again, that's wrong, boys and girls, and is in fact punishable by prison time.
Also, a shout out to all my fellow Yoruichians. I admit she's not the ONLY thing I find hot, but until Orihime and Rangiku show up on my doorstep drunk and half-naked, I doubt I'll be swayed much.
