(A/N) Okay, at this point I somehow made the command decision that ALL Decepticon comm chatter has to be weird and ridiculous. So if you like, there's plenty more to come: if not, prepare to be aggravated beyond mortal comprehension. I don't know why Bob lets me get away with it.

Surface:

"Comm ping is getting farther away," Blackout muttered. "While you sit here nattering at me."

"Where?" Optimus asked.

"Don't know. It's not a bloody targeting vector, it's a comm ping. Only does relative distance for time lag," he explained, impatiently.

"Find out where they are."

"Excuse me?"

Optimus sighed. "Please. Contact them. If you would. If it's not too much trouble." Behind Blackout, Bumblebee rolled his eyes for Optimus. Stupid Decepticon. Just do the job, already.

"Fine. But keep him away from me." He gestured menacingly at Ratchet. Ratchet raised his arms in surrender. Whatever it was, the 'con had a thing against him. Not that he really minded, but it did damage his professional pride. And those injuries had to hurt. "Barricade?" He over-pronounced, so that the Autobots could tell he being legitimate.

The voice came through clearly. Blackout could tell the other bot was on subvoc. Why? Oh well, the Intel bot knew what he was doing. Most of the time. And better safe than sorry. "On. What's your status?"

"Well, we're just finishing cocktails and the floor show is about to begin…." What did Barricade slaggin' think his status was? He was surrounded by three hostiles. Barricade should be glad he was even online. He caught the alarmed look on the Autobots' faces. "No," he said to them, "That's not some weird sinister code. Primus, you mechs take yourselves so damn seriously."

Concern crept into Barricade's voice. "Be careful, Blackout. The Autobots have not yet evolved our highly sophisticated sense of humor. Hate to see you offlined because they don't understand a joke."

"You know we can hear everything you say," Ratchet snapped.

"Proving my point. Greetings to all above-dwellers," he said mockingly. "And how are we this fine…whatever the hell time it is? Kind of hard to tell down here, being pitch-slaggin' black and all."

"Can it," Ratchet said. Optimus cut him off. "Barricade, we really need to know your status and location."

"No one's killed anyone else, yet. Though these humans are sorely tempting me to acts of xenocide."

"Told you they were annoying," Blackout said. "Should have seen the little tizzies they threw in Qatar."

"Barricade," Optimus said, warningly, "Do not harm the humans." Beside him, Bumblebee bobbed his head earnestly in agreement.

"Oh, you are no fun at all. But I can fantasize, can't I?" Blackout could hear the joking tone, but it seemed like the Autobots couldn't.

"How's the Whining One?" the copter asked. Ratchet mouthed 'who is the whining one?' at Prime. Bumblebee gestured wings with his arms. Oh. Starscream.

"About how you'd expect. Didn't help that the stupid Autobot tried to pull some sort of power/ego down on him."

Blackout winced. "And you said everyone's still alive, right?"

"Yeah. Not for lack of trying. If Whiney-jets wasn't blind, not sure we'd be so lucky." A pause. "Did I just say lucky?"

"And the loser?"

A groan. "He's…bouncy."

"Why aren't you debouncing him?"

"Ah, because I have been selected to be pack animal to two humans, aforementioned, annoying, and one pack of highly explosive Neptunium. My day is awesome."

"What about Ironhide." Optimus cut in. They'd mentioned Prowl already.

"He exists. Still. Scattering sunshine in his wake, as always."

Blackout snorted.

"Do you mechs do this all the time? Don't you ever have an actual businesslike conversation?" Ratchet was upset. How the hell did they run a war if their comm. was filled with ridiculous chatter like this?

"Blackout, did I hear that aright? Are we getting a comm-chatter lecture from the pacifist?"

"It has been a weird day," Blackout admitted.

"Your turn."

Optimus shifted impatiently.

"Real quick, because the 'bots are giving me the nasty optic: The yellow idiot's first plan nearly got me offlined. Think we caused a cave in."

"Should have known that was your enormous aft that caused all that."

"Yeah, it was even more fun on topside. I just hope they don't let him make any more plans. The medic keeps trying to sneak up on me with his freaky tools, and el Primo here keeps telling me what crap my plans are, without coming up with anything else. So. Here we STILL are." Oh, it felt good to get that out of his system.

Optimus stood merely staring at Blackout with complete disbelief at the conversation he was having. Ratchet pinged his sub voc. 'It's a wonder they ever managed to fight a war isn't it, never mind fraggin' start one.'

'Now Ratchet, I am sure that they don't always procrastinate this much.' If they did there was hope for the Autobots yet, despite being outnumbered two to one on Earth by Decepticons. He heard Ratchet huff out loud at his comment. His thoughts got cut off by Barricade's flippant reply to Blackout's rantings.

"One: you're still not repaired? Stop being such a shorted glitch. And two: what's your plan?"

"One: I'm not a glitch—have you seen these things he uses? Size of your damn head. Try to cut me open like a tuna can. No way. Two: trying to nav by your comm ping. If we can overlay those maps to your location maybe we can find, or blow, you an exit."

'Does he even know what a medic is?' Ratchet pinged Optimus again, bemusement belying his tone. Bumblebee butted in, 'Are you kidding he's a 'con! They think everyone is against them, including their own. He's so paranoid that he probably locks his recharge berth every night, just in case one of the others wants to get friendly.' Ratchet smirked at this comment, Optimus managed to keep a straight face. 'Bumblebee, views like that don't help our situation.' He rebuked him mildly. Bumblebee looked at him with mock defiance. 'Don't see you arguing the point.' Ratchet cuffed the yellow Autobot across the shoulder for his flippancy; he whined and rubbed it frowning at the medic who didn't even flinch from his glare. They continued to listen in on the conversation at a loss as to how to intervene.

"One: good to know it's just you being a chickenshit baby glitchling and not some idiot warrior code 'must tolerate pain' thing that's standing between you and repairs, and two: not a half-bad plan."

'Hey the 'con actually came up with a plan! I may offline in shock.' Bumblebee was being deliberately cocky as he listened to the mechs chatter inanely to themselves. 'Bumblebee!' Optimus shook his head gently. Bumblebee ducked his head, hiding his grin as Ratchet interrupted. 'At least Barricade is seeing his petulant attitude towards me for what it is.' He mused smugly. Optimus gestured towards them both, slightly frustrated and bemused at the situation. Ratchet shrugged. 'What someone had to tell the 'con the truth. Better it come from them, than us.'

"One: smile when you say that, and two: great. Where the frag are you?"

"One: I always smile when I think of you in pain, and two: did you hear an explosion about fifty kliks ago? That was McScreamy blasting through a wall. With Prowl aiming."

"One: Stop flirting with me—you know how shy I am, and two: hope you got optical scans of that. I want a copy."

'I heard that explosion; it's about 30 meters over that ridge behind us.' Bumblebee gestured in the direction. He glanced at Ratchet questioningly. 'Are they actually flirting with each other?' Ratchet shrugged now smirking at the 'bot's innocent, confused question. 'Who knows Bee? They are 'cons after all, the thrill of actual battle and war may just not be quite enough for them.' He replied sarcastically. Optimus clearly amused himself, reprimanded them both. 'You two are not helping.'

'Looks like they're getting all cozy without our help Optimus.' Ratchet grinned as Bumblebee sniggered, ducking behind his back to hide his amusement from the distracted Blackout. Optimus sighed and brought his hand up to his face. Shaking his head into his palm. He glanced up as Blackout finished the conversation.

'Good thing we're not, if Blackout's reluctance to get repaired is anything to go by, he might start shrieking like a sparkling if we had to help them get all cozy as well.' It took all of Bumblebee's effort's not to burst out laughing as Optimus joked, his expression perfectly dead pan. Ratchet was all but trembling with barely controlled laughter. Blackout looked up at the Autobots. Bumblebee pointed, signaling he'd heard the explosion. "Got your vector," he said into the comm.

"Fantabulous. You get us out of here and I'll give you full audio and visual. Barricade out."

Blackout turned and found all three 'bots looking at him, Optimus was perfectly stoic as usual; the other two had weird expressions on their faces. Bumblebee was trying and failing to look far too serious.

"What, what the frag are you all staring at?"