Jude woke slowly, everything in her protesting for a moment, begging to return to sleep. Her limbs felt like lead, but eventually the dryness in her mouth and the pounding in her head won out, and she rolled over in bed, opening her eyes slowly. Her eyelids felt stuck together at first, from sleep and from all of her crying the night before. She rubbed her eyes and sat up, reaching for the water bottle she kept on her bedside table. She drank the rest of the tepid water greedily, then grabbed her phone. There were texts from Tommy, and her heart squeezed as she read them. "i just want to say that i know how hard it all can be, the fame, and i want you to know that im so proud of you" "we both need to try and move on and let go but ill always be here for you if you need me" "but you don't need me" "hang in there girl"

She wiped a few tears from her cheeks and texted "thank you so much tommy. for everything"

Jude felt a twinge of embarrassment at how much of a mess she must have sounded on the phone with Tommy, how much of a mess she had been. But it was worth it to know that he still cared for her, still believed in her. His strained, "I love you too," was painful to remember, but not nearly so painful as the memory had been of the look on his face as he told her that she wasn't the Jude he knew. She read and re-read his words on her phone screen. He was proud of her. He believed in her.

She set the phone aside and lay back on the bed and thought about what he'd said on the phone, about trying to cut out the drama to focus on the music. An image of Lucas came to her mind, unbidden, of him smiling at her through the glass of the booth. The day they met had been her first day in the studio after moving to London. She had been so nervous, doubting her ability to write, to sing, to produce, to make it on her own. The first thing Lucas had said to her after introducing himself was, "So, you're the new kid, then. I'm the old new kid." She must have looked confused, because he had laughed. "I just started here a couple of months ago myself. It can be overwhelming." He'd corrected himself then, saying, "Oh, I suppose not for you, you're, uh, famous and everything, you've got a platinum album and all that, after all." She'd laughed and said that overwhelming was a good word for it, platinum album aside, and he'd smiled. "Well, you don't have anything to worry about. You've obviously got the talent. And this," he'd held up his binder with her lead sheets in it, "is brilliant stuff." She had wondered briefly if he was just sucking up to her, something that was not at all uncommon once you got a certain amount of fame, but something about him made her believe he was genuine. He walked into the studio looking utterly comfortable, like he knew it was where he belonged, and somehow his demeanor put her at ease.

More than she had since she'd arrived in London, working with Lucas had made her feel calmer and more confident. In other situations, too, since then, Lucas had been like a calm in the center of a storm. There had been parties, concerts, places where she'd felt overwhelmed and out of balance, and being with Lucas usually made her feel more grounded. With his sincerity, his wit, his devotion to the music, he was unlike anyone else she'd ever met. It wasn't like what she felt for Tommy, didn't have the intensity. There wasn't the same passion, the same need. Tommy could turn her inside out with one look. Working with him, being with him, he made her feel like she could do anything. After nearly a year and a half, there was still a Tommy-shaped hole in her heart, and maybe there always would be. Maybe nothing would ever again make her feel the way she felt when Tommy kissed her.

But maybe that was okay. Maybe there was something to be said for feeling calm, for being grounded and confident and safe. Maybe Lucas's ability to get her out of her own head, to stop her spiraling out of control, was exactly what she needed.

She thought of the hurt in his eyes, the completely out of character way he'd yelled at her, and felt a deep pang of guilt. Tommy's voice rang in her head again. Try to cut out the drama and get back to the heart of why you're doing this. She also thought of something Dan had said to her, after that night in the club as she'd cried on Sadie's couch. You don't have to do it all alone, Jude. Being independent doesn't mean having no support system.

After taking a couple of aspirin, she called Lucas. He took a while to answer, and her heart clenched, worrying she'd screwed up so badly he wasn't even taking her calls. Finally, though, he did pick up. "Hey, Jude," he said with a sigh.

The first thing she said was "I'm so sorry, Lucas."

He sighed again. "No. I'm sorry. Yesterday was…"

"Yeah," she said softly. "Can I come over? We should talk."

"Sure. Yeah, I'd like that, actually."

.

She knocked on the door to Lucas's loft half an hour later. When he opened the door he was smiling, but his expression transformed into one of concern when he saw her. As he stepped aside and she walked in, he asked, "Rough night last night?"

"Is it that obvious?" she asked, raising her eyebrows. "Do I look that bad?"

"No," he answered quickly. "No, you look lovely."

She laughed. "Liar."

He smiled. "Coffee?"

"Yeah, that would be great, thanks." As he grabbed a mug and poured her coffee, she sat down at the little kitchen table he'd finally bought a few months ago.

He handed her the coffee and sat down across from her. "Seriously, are you alright?"

"Yeah." She nodded. "I, uh, went out with Neil."

"Ah, so you'll be needing the whole pot, then," Lucas joked.

Jude smiled. "Probably. But it actually wasn't too bad. I mean, pretty much everything about yesterday was… bad, for a lot of reasons, but I do remember the whole night. And at least I woke up in my own bed, so, that's something," she tried to make a joke, but Lucas looked sad.

"Alone in your own bed?" he asked with a frown, and she sighed. "I'm sorry," he said quickly. "I shouldn't have said that. Anyway, I suppose that's none of my business."

"I went home alone, yes," she answered. "And, no, it's okay. I'm the one who should be sorry."

He shook his head. "The things I said, all of that was out of line, and I'm sorry. Especially to… to shout at you, and to do it in public. That was unforgivable. I've checked all the gossip sites, and there doesn't seem to have been any damage, but still. I knew better, and I'm so sorry."

"You weren't wrong, though," she said softly. "What you said about me… self-destructing. You weren't wrong."

"Are you okay?" he asked, looking concerned.

She but her lip for a moment, then said, "I'm… a mess, I don't know. Tour was… it was great, but it was also like this… other world. Everything about it is so intense, in a lot of ways. It's hard to remember you have a life outside of it."

"You avoided my calls," he said quietly. She sighed, and he continued, "I tried to tell myself you were busy, but it was more than that, wasn't it?"

"I was busy," she said, then sighed again, looking down her coffee. "But yeah. I guess I was also avoiding you." She looked back up at him, and her heart twisted when she saw his hurt expression. "I don't even know why. I guess I was trying to… throw myself into this world, the tour."

"So you cut out the dead weight." It was something she'd said to him the day before, and she winced. He didn't look angry, just sad.

"I shouldn't have said that."

"If that's how you honestly feel, if you think I'm holding you back, somehow, then–"

"You're not holding me back. But you do keep me grounded, sometimes, and maybe I've been resisting that. I came to London to… be my own person, I guess. To spread my wings or something. There's a reason I did that alone." She thought, briefly, of Tommy promising to be her normal, her anchor, and she swallowed hard. "But I think I've been all wrong about what that means."

"I'm not sure I understand," he admitted.

"I've been acting like the only way to be independent and have the career I want is to not let anybody in. But you were right that my life has been kind of out of control lately. The tour, the partying, the dr–"

"Stop," Lucas said suddenly, sounding irritated for the first time. Jude looked up in surprise. "You keep trying to paint me as something that I'm not. I'm not trying to tell you to quit drinking or settle down or any of this shit, Jude, that's not me. I'm not Neil, but I am still fucking fun, yeah? I don't know where you got this idea that I've ever been trying to keep you out of the partying. I just don't want to play games anymore. That is all I have ever asked from you. I don't need you to change, I just need to know where I stand."

"No, I need to change," she said quickly. "I never thought you were trying to change me." She sighed and looked down at the mug in her hands. "I know I hurt you. I know I've probably been hurting you for a long time. But that's one of the things I want to change. I don't even think I really know why I've been resisting making this commitment." She stared at her coffee for a second longer before looking up at Lucas again. "Being with you is like… playing music." He looked surprised, and Jude continued. "Not like performing, not like the high. Not like recording either, really. But like when I'm playing by myself, just me and my guitar. And everything just kind of… falls away, and I'm just me. Without all of the pressure and the craziness, you know? That's sort of how I feel when I'm with you."

Lucas still looked surprised, his eyebrows raised, staring at her in something like astonishment. After a moment he spoke softly. "Like playing music?" Jude nodded, and he laughed. "I reckon that's nicest thing anyone has ever said about me."

She smiled. "Well, it's true." Her smile fell and she looked back down. "At least it used to be true. I haven't felt like that in a long time. Not your fault," she added quickly, looking back up at him, "totally my fault, but still. Everyone always wants something from me, and I get to the point where I start feeling like I'm wearing a mask all the time and I don't know what's the real me. Sometimes it's really easy to feel like that with the fame and having this public persona, and it's happened before. But for the past year I've let it get really bad. I feel like I've lost touch with the reasons I'm doing this in the first place. So I guess the bottom line is that I need to make a change. And I want to do that with you." She hesitated, then said, "If you can forgive me, I guess."

Lucas smiled. "You're easy to forgive. Come here." He stood up, and Jude did too. He pulled her into a hug, and she hugged him back tightly. She pulled back after a moment, far enough to look at him, and he put a hand on the side of her face, leaning down to kiss her softly.

When she broke the kiss, she looked him in the eyes and said, "So, uh… would you maybe want to be my boyfriend, or something?"

He laughed. "That is exactly what I want, girlfriend or something."

"Don't make fun of me!" she protested, but she was laughing.

He leaned in and kissed her again before pulling back and saying, "For what it's worth, I admire you." Jude looked surprised, and Lucas smiled. "I just mean that I can see how intense this last year and a half has been for you, since you came to London. The fact that you handle the pressure as well as you do… It's not that you need to change, you just… need to take care of yourself, yeah? Let other people take care of you sometimes, maybe. But you don't need to change, Jude. Because I love who you are, alright?"

Jude's eyes widened a little at the word "love," but she smiled, putting a hand on his cheek. "Thank you, Lucas," she said softly before wrapping her arms around his neck and standing up on her toes to kiss him again.


me: It'll be a week

me, a month later: Ha, oops

This is why I never start posting a story before I'm finished, y'all.