Thank you again for the kind words and encouragement! Please keep them coming…that is what keeps me writing and motivated to finish this one.
Bleary eyed, Tony rolled off the couch and stumbled toward Pepper's bedroom. The baby wailed impatiently, and Pepper rolled over, said, "I'm coming, I'm here." He watched her fumble with the switch on the lamp, but instead of turning it on, she knocked it off the nightstand, and it toppled over and crashed to the floor. "Shit!"
The baby wailed louder, oblivious to the plight of the two adults who had never - in all their professional lives of jet-setting, late meetings and mischief - been this tired.
"You need help?" Tony mumbled.
"You don't have the necessary equipment," she retorted irritably.
He stepped in the room and felt along the wall for the bathroom door, sneaking his hand around the frame and finding the light switch.
It was too bright, and his eyes slammed shut.
"Thanks," Pepper said, swinging her feet over the side of the bed, and picking up Max from the crib that was now in her room. After two nights of sprinting back and forth from her room to the baby's nursery, one jaunt that ended in an unfortunate collision between Tony and Pepper, Tony had suggested in a way that wasn't a suggestion but more a command, "Why don't I just move the crib to your room."
"Damn," Pepper swore softly.
"What?" he asked.
"It hurts, Tony. Contrary to popular opinion, breastfeeding is neither a bonding experience nor pleasant in any regard, I frankly don't give a shit if it shrinks my uterus. It fucking hurts."
"Sorry," he offered, scratching his beard.
She looked at him as though she wanted to do something that would cause extreme physical pain. "You want water?" This had been their routine for the last several days; she'd chew him out about breastfeeding, lack of sleep, the slow healing from the delivery, and he'd get her a glass of water and settle down to watch their son nurse with innocent greed. After a few minutes, Pepper would rest her head against the headboard, then smile dreamily at the baby, as if the previous ten minutes hadn't happened. If Tony wasn't so tired, he'd probably be scared and worried about the mood swings.
"Yes," she answered through gritted teeth.
"Be right back," he mumbled, stumbling over the lamp, "Shit," he muttered, trying to disengage his foot from the shade. "I just stepped on the lamp."
"I don't care," she said, opening her eyes, the transformation already beginning.
Upon his return, he found Pepper on her side, the baby asleep on his side facing her. "He wasn't really hungry," she told him.
"Here's your water," he said, setting it on a coaster on the nightstand. He watched Pepper pat Max's back, the intervals slowing as her eyes closed. Walking to the other side of the bed, he eased down onto the comforter. Pepper's eyes flew open, she didn't smile but she didn't ask what he was doing, either. Tomorrow, he was flying home to Malibu, and he didn't know how to leave either one of them behind. Pepper had been generous with Max, letting him watch as she breastfed, not complaining when Tony eased the baby from her, both realizing his time was limited.
It was a sore subject, one that Tony had not let go without a monumental fight between the two of them. That was yesterday. The memory of it still left him with a feeling of despair deep inside, reaching all the way down to his core. Max had been slumbering contentedly against Tony's chest as he reclined on the couch watching SportsCenter. Pepper had just gotten out of the shower and the sight of the two men in her life curled together on her couch brought tears to her eyes. "Hey," she had whispered.
"Hey. He was out like a light within two minutes. I think he actually likes the arc reactor. The humming is very calming. Not the same as your…pillows…but it works," he smirked.
"Well that's good. My pillows need a break," she joked. "And after tomorrow they aren't going to get much of one."
The realization was like a gut shot. Tony flinched, not wanting to cope with the fact that he was leaving them behind. Tomorrow. They had carefully tiptoed around the subject until now, but there was no longer any room to run and hide.
"About that. Pepper...you should both just come home. With me. I mean, really, what the hell are we doing?"
Exasperated already, she looked at Tony, hands planted firmly on her hips. "We have gone over this before. THIS is my home now. His home. We LIVE here Tony. Not in Malibu. I have a job and responsibilities, and…"
"And, and and…who cares?! I want my son and I want you. You both belong in Malibu with me," he stated as though it were a fact she should have come to terms with long before.
Had he not been holding Max Pepper surely would have thrown something at him. At his big, fat, obstinate head. "I don't belong anywhere but with my son, Tony. You don't own me. I am not some possession that you simply misplaced."
"Your son? He's our son, Pepper. Let's not forget that I had a hand in him being here. Well, not a hand as much as my…"
"Tony!"
"Anyway…I want to be with him every bit as much as you do. And I know you are not a possession, I wasn't implying that. But wouldn't it be so much easier if we were all together?"
"Easier for whom, Tony? For you? Of course! Life is generally easy when you get exactly what you want all the time. But you gave up that right all those months ago when you used me and then told me it was a mistake. I finally found my backbone where you were concerned and I scrounged what little bit of dignity that I still had and I left. I created a new life for myself and for our son. I am sorry if that doesn't make things easy on you. But my primary concern is no longer you. It is him," she said pointedly, gesturing to the sleeping baby. Her monologue infuriated him. Dear God, he had to go and fall in love with the one woman in the world who was every bit as stubborn and bull-headed as he was.
"So we're back to that are we? I told you I fucked up. You think I don't know that? I live with it every day. I miss you. I love you. All I want is you back in my life. And now we have Max. I don't want to spend eternity missing and loving both of you from afar. Jesus, Pepper. Why does this have to be so hard?"
"Because it is. That's life. When you have to actually stop and deal with the repercussions of your choices like every other adult, Tony, it sucks. Welcome to the club," she softened at the end. She was dealing with the repercussions of that night every bit as much as he was. She was just as lonely and the nagging feeling deep in the pit of her stomach told her that it would likely always be there. This man would always be there.
Groaning in frustration he shifted, trying not to wake the baby. "So, what now? We make our son pay for my mistakes? So then all three of us suffer? That's a great plan. Come on, Pep. You grew up without a family. We both did. Sort of. Mom was great – loving, warm, fun, exactly what a mother should be. And Dad was…Dad. But I lost them. I was a teenager, yes, but I was still a kid. We have both had to deal with growing up without parents. And now you want to do the same thing to our son? You want to put him through that?"
While he had a point, she knew he was using her hormonal state and raw emotions to play her. "It's not the same thing, and you know it. He HAS two parents who clearly love him. I know that you love him Tony. I can see that. And you have no idea what that does to me. How it makes me feel. I know you want to be with him all of the time. But that is not the reality. Our reality. Like many, many other kids out there, his parents don't live together. He will adjust. It will be his normal, what he knows. We will have to travel. He will have to travel. But we can make this work Tony. He will be fine." With that she gently eased the baby from him and walked into the nursery effectively ending the conversation.
As the memory finally whispered away, his feelings still raw and vulnerable, Tony pulled the top sheet over Max's body lying on the bed between them, not wanting him to be cold. He quickly then pushed it back where it had been, because he didn't want the baby to get tangled up in the sheet during the night and suffocate. This parenting shit was already a million times harder than he thought it would be.
He looked around. Dirty clothes were piled in the corner, diapers overflowed out of the trashcan, and he really needed to pack his things. Duty called, and he knew he should help Pepper straighten up the place; but he just couldn't bring himself to move from his family.
"Goodnight," he whispered, shutting his eyes to sleep. He would eventually have to leave them, but he would be damned if he was going to do it one second sooner than he had to.
