Chapter 7: Nothing's Like Before

I'm a lazy bum; there's no denying it now. Sleeping all the time will do that anyone because you start getting used to not being active. The only thing I did was handle hygienic stuff every now and then, and Leon would give me something to eat…

Wow.

Doing nothing sucked, but there's a reason behind it. Promise.

Ever had one of those days where you take a serious fall, but you don't feel it until the next day…?

Remember my fall—my push—down the stairs?

Yeah. I felt everything the very next day. I literally woke up with a locked jaw and crying my eyes out because the pain was so bad. Leon even had the doc come over and drug me up…

I didn't feel as bad as I did the day after Hayner tried to beat me into oblivion, but I did still feel pretty terrible now. The principal told me that I'd have to make up all my missed work in summer school if I wanted to call myself a junior next year, though. I guess I should've been more upset about it when he gave me the bad news, but I knew I'd have nothing better to do.

Want to know something else?

It's crazy; I… I keep having these weird dreams—all about Sora. Well, they're more like nightmares. He's always trapped behind these huge doors and everyone keeps saying, "Leave him! We have to close it for good!" And in the nightmare… I… I close the door; I seal him inside—and I even have the nerve to lock it.

And even though he calls out to me—even though he's begging me to come rescue him—I ignore him… but then, I always wait until everyone leaves and I reopen it.

I always come back to go save him, wondering why I sealed him inside in the first place, only to find that he's died from being locked in for so long…

Then this man in a black cloak appears and tells me it's all my fault because I left Sora in there for three-hundred and fifty-eight days… but in the nightmare it only feels like I left him for literally two minutes. The scream Sora makes when he's knocking on the other side is enough to break even a murderers heart—and that's saying something…

I knew this nightmare had everything to do with the last time I'd seen my little brother, the way my dad… I mean, the way Cloud yanked him away. I just didn't want to sleep anymore; I was afraid of dreaming. It was terrifying to know that even if I didn't want to do what I did to Sora in that dream as I was doing it, I still kept doing it—I still kept shutting the door in his face like I was the villain…

But Cloud was the villain here, not me.

I'd never do anything to hurt Sora, ever—or Ven, or even Denzel, for that matter. My siblings meant everything to me and I…

I just don't know what I'm doing anymore.

Sighing, I rolled on my right side, gazing at the plain window that welcomed the light through the clear pane. Reevaluating my life felt frustrating, like maybe I wasn't meant to actually have one…

"Knock-knock," I heard Axel say from the doorway. He had a hint of mischief in his voice, and I found myself grinning as I rolled over. He offered me a quick wave in greeting, one that made me give a dreary one back.

Axel was… fun to be around. I'd been hiding out in my room for about a week and a half since the Sora incident, and he's been visiting every day. Even the one time he couldn't make it, he called me to make sure I was okay.

I don't think he'd ever admit it if I asked, but I'm pretty sure we were becoming close friends. Leon thought it was a nice change of pace for me, even if he didn't like Axel too much. I think he was keener on the idea of me actually having a friend more than anything else.

Humoring him I asked, "Who's there?"

"The greatest pyro in existence."

I arched my brow, yawning for a moment. "You mean John Orr?"

Axel blinked, surprised by my answer. He actually shrugged and gestured with his head to validate my statement. "The second greatest then."

I smirked, eyes lidded while I snuggled into my pillow. Why is it that short naps make me feel recharged and long naps make me feel like I've been sleeping for centuries and I'm stuck in some exhausting time warp? "Paul Keller?" I finally suggested, rubbing the side of my face. Wake up, damn it. Wake up…

"…You know I deserve to be on that list, Roxas," he stated, coming to sit beside me. He was frowning like a kid who'd been denied candy.

I grunted. "I'll need proof before I can fit you into that category."

Axel spread his arms from where he sat, gesturing with himself. "I'm right here. Isn't my proof of existence enough?"

I made a 'psh' sound. "No way. Any statement like that requires documentation." I thought it over before adding, "And maybe a trip to a psychiatric ward."

"You're a rude piece of work in the morning," he stated, crossing his arms. "What crawled up your ass and died, hm?"

Without missing a beat, I said, "A dog."

"Ooh, that must've been why Vanitas went missing earlier," Axel mused. "Poor little thing." He made a 'tsk' noise, rubbing his chin as he hunched over. "Never stood a chance. The stench alone down there probably killed him dead."

"That, and maybe surviving in an orifice would be impossible unless the occupant were a sexually transmitted disease," I reminded him.

He chuckled, agreeing. "Well then Larxene's probably got plenty of those occupants from Marluxia. I used to call her 'itchy bitchy' after she told me how her first checkup went…"

I couldn't stop myself from laughing, my imagination taking over.

"You two have the weirdest friendship I've ever seen," Leon spoke up from the doorway. "It's certainly questionable."

Axel gave him a half-assed salute with his index and middle finger. "What up, Leon?"

"The sky," he said in a monotone voice, causing us both to smirk at him. "Didn't I tell you just to check up on him while I was gone, not actually bother him?"

"Wait a minute, you—" I slowly sat up. It's Saturday. "You left? Where'd you go?" It worried me to know that he'd been gone while I was asleep, kind of like a child knowing their parents were going to be out late and they'd have to be tucked in by someone else. Leon brought out the strangest vibes in me, but I think I was suffering from daddy issues so I wasn't that surprised to feel this way.

Sensing my discomfort, Leon offered me a calming gaze, immediately making me feel the same. "I have this thing called a J-O-B," he stated, and I heard a slight tease in his tone. It was enough to earn a smirk from Axel. "I just took some time off once I knew you were coming to live with me." I must've looked guilty because he was quick to add, "You're not burdening me, Roxas. I just want to make sure I can give you proper attention while you're here, and I've enjoyed getting to know you—regardless of Cloud."

It was crazy; everything he did was to benefit me. It was like he put his entire life on hold just to make sure I was okay… What's crazier is that he never asked for anything in return, nothing

I still felt guilty. Who wouldn't? "Where do you work?"

Leon grunted, pacing over to us. "If I told you, I'd have to kill you."

Axel pointed an accusing finger at him. "I knew it! You're a hit man!"

I laughed when Leon playfully smacked him upside the head. "I own a motorcycle company. Nothing fancy."

Axel rubbed the sensitive spot, smirking. "There's only one motorcycle company around here and that's Fenrir."

I tilted my head. "Fenrir…?" The name sounded familiar. "My dad—I mean, Cloud has one of those motorcycles." I ignored the taken aback look Leon had given me after hearing me call Cloud by his first name, saying, "He said they're the most durable in the state."

Axel eyed Leon with suspicion. "…Are you secretly rich?"

"I'm secretly content," was the reply from the wiser. He leaned down to get a view of my face, nodding to himself as he inspected my jaw. "The bruising's nearly gone." He grimaced at the sight of the scratches on my arm… They were from Sora…. Focusing back on my face, he asked, "Does it hurt like before?"

"Nah," I said. "I'm good."

He straightened up, giving me an approving glance before he gazed at Axel. After crossing his arms, he said, "I won't even ask if you're staying for dinner." It was the afternoon, right after lunch, but we both knew that Axel always stayed over for dinner. His parents used to call worried sick, but now they're used to it. They did order him to eat at their place at least four days a week, though. But I think he liked hanging around here more. He's an only child and that can get pretty lonely…

Axel was grinning at Leon like a Cheshire cat. "Aw Leon, you get me." He extended his right hand, palm up. "Now let's talk about getting me a house key. I'd like one in black—no red—no wait! I've got it!" He was talking with his hands, motioning them like he was stopping traffic. "Put flames on it!"

Leon rolled his eyes, ducking his head to hide his small grin. Axel brought out the best in anyone; he could make anyone smile by being himself in a sort of sarcastic, teasing way… it was a trait I wish I had.

Before I had the opportunity to ask Leon about Sora, he said, "I talked to your mother today…"

My insides felt like they were being twisted by invisible hands. "…How is she?" How's Sora…?

Leon was giving me a guarded stare. "She's trying as hard as she can, Roxas. I need you to understand. She wanted me to let you know that…"

I slowly nodded. "Yeah… I get it." As Leon turned to leave, I asked, "She won't leave him… will she?" I just got this eerie feeling that my mom might choose Cloud over her own children… He was her world, after all. I just hoped my feeling was wrong.

"Tifa's a strong woman," was all he said before he gently ruffled my hair. It was commonplace for us; something I'd grown to appreciate and I offered him a small smile as he left.

"Your mom's cool," Axel stated, bringing me out of my thoughts. "She wouldn't do something like that." His expression was critical now, almost like he was in pain. "Have you gotten the chance to speak to him?" He was referring to Sora.

It was my turn to look upset. "No, and…" I lifted my hands, only to drop them in defeat. "Axel, I had another dream about him." I shook my head, wishing the nightmare would vanish. "The same one—it always seems so real… I don't know how to make it stop." Groaning, I rubbed the sides of my temples, bringing my knees to my chest. "It's like I'm afraid to go to sleep now…"

"That explains why Leon wanted me to check on you…" He blew out a huff of air, glancing up at the ceiling in deep thought. "I think it just means that you miss your brother," he replied seriously. "Like waiting to see him isn't good enough, and a whole metaphor of symbolic shit that I don't want you thinking about too much right now."

I frowned when I heard this, but not at the statement, more so the meaning behind it. Realization was a strange feeling, and I blinked. "I'm… I'm worrying you."

"Don't give me that guilt trip," he warned, smirking. "We're friends. I'm gonna worry…" He flicked my forehead. "Besides, you've got some serious issues that might make you cry and I can't handle tears. It's not my thing; ask Xion. I never know what to do when she cries, and these days she cries all the time."

"…Can I ask you something serious?"

"I'm pretty sure everything out of your mouth has been serious since the day I met you—even your sarcasm—but sure. Go for it."

"What happens at the end of three-hundred and fifty-eight days?" I asked him. The number had been in my dream, but I also remembered Xion saying that's how long I had under her command because of what happened to her eyes. "Does that mean that Xion's giving up on me or something?" Did it mean I didn't have to follow her orders anymore?

Axel chuckled, but it sounded sad. "You caught on…" He sighed, scratching his chin. "It means a change is going to happen, something I'm not ready for… something no one is…"

"Axel, that doesn't make any—"

"Hey," a quiet voice spoke up from the doorway.

Axel whistled. "Ooh, the trio has arrived." He gestured for Hayner, Pence and Olette to enter. "Well, come on in. Let's finish this quickly."

I probably looked about as confused as I felt. "What's going—?"

"Xion explained everything after I…" Hayner said. The three of them were standing self-consciously near the entrance, unsure of if they were welcome. "We just really wanted to check on you…"

Olette had each of her fingertips pressed together. "We're sorry for not believing you before, Roxas."

Pence nodded. "I didn't think things would get this bad…"

I frowned at the comment. You and me both, Pence…"Why'd you wait this long?" I asked curiously. Axel burst into laughter and Hayner gave him an aggravated glare.

When Axel noticed, he said, "Hey, don't look at me, Blondie. It's your fault."

Again, I felt out of the loop. "What's his fault?"

"Leon almost attacked him the first time he tried to visit," Axel stated.

"…Seriously?"

Axel scoffed when he heard Hayner groan. "You were asleep, though." He poked my forehead. "You missed all the juicy threats Leon was giving him downstairs that day."

I couldn't stop myself from grinning like an idiot. Good ole Leon… He really did seem to have my best interest at heart.

After a while, my expression became serious and I glanced at Hayner. "You… you pushed me down the stairs." Everything Dr. Ansem said was true; I could've broken something and God forbid I was permanently damaged like…

Xion…

My statement to Hayner wasn't an accusation, more like a declaration, and he looked so mortified that it made me feel sorry for him.

"I know," was the remorseful reply. "And I'm sorry. I…" He combed his hand through his head. "Roxas, I can't take that moment back."

"Nope," I said. "You can't." Neither could I that night at the Fair's house… Because of that, I understood where he was coming from.

I sighed, shaking my head. "I just want things to go back to being the way they used to be. I can't blame you entirely for what you did, especially since the source you were influenced by was the same person that…" Xion gave me a headache just thinking about her. "It's going to take us all a while to get comfortable with each other again, but can we start over?"

Hayner looked uncertain of himself, or maybe of the situation. I guess he heard the feeling radiating from my voice, too. I wasn't sure if we could bounce back, almost like I wasn't sure about Xion and I trying to become true friends again. "I… okay," he finally said.

Olette smiled at me when I glanced her way. "I'd like that," she said softly.

Beside her, Pence nodded. "Me, too."

"Guys?" It felt lame apologizing, but it still had to be said. "…I'm sorry for ditching you. I was stupid..."

"Very." Hayner gave me a dismissive wave. "But I understand why you did it, though…"

"Either way, I'm sorry…" I murmured.

There wasn't much else to talk about because playing catch up seemed kind of uncomfortable at the moment. I didn't know what to say. It felt kind of scary to look them each in the eyes and realize that we didn't have anything in common anymore—that I didn't really know them.

I don't even know who I am…

I felt lonely.

"So," Olette finally spoke up. "I… I guess we'll see you at school tomorrow—or whenever you decide to come back?"

"Yeah…" Slowly, I nodded. "Yeah. See you then..."

Hayner had almost stepped forward to say goodbye, probably remembering our favorite hand gesture, but he quickly took a step back, retreating for the exit. "See you." Olette and Pence exited too, waving as they left. Their aura didn't leave until about a minute later, and Axel finally released some tension by huffing and scratching his head.

Well… that was… cringe worthy.

It took Axel a moment before he blurted out, "That was fucking awkward." I noticed that in times like this, he'd swear. It always broke a lot of pressure, and we'd fall back into our sarcastic style of conversation.

"Really awkward," I agreed.

"Like someone died awkward," he mused.

"Shoot yourself in the face awkward," I added, nodding.

He made a noise of agreement, pretending to accomplish the action. Once I pretended to shoot him in the chest, he clutched his heart and plopped down on the bed. His green eyes peered towards the window, and his brow quickly arched. "Oh wow," he commented. As he stood and went to my window, he peered through the blinds.

"What's wrong?"

He whistled. "Get ready for awkwardness round two, because Xion and Aerith just pulled up."

"What?!" I tried to scurry out bed, only to fall and land on my side.

Axel chuckled while I sat up on the floor and frowned at him. "I hate to tell you the obvious here, but Xion can't see what you look like—as cruel and insensitive as that sounds." He really was a say it like you mean it kind of guy. Sometimes that didn't translate well if you didn't know him, but I could tell he didn't mean anything by the comment. Besides, Xion was his best friend.

I face palmed. "I'm an idiot."

"Yep," he agreed. I lowered my hand to see that he was giving me a serious stare. "Please tell me you're not crushing on the girl that sees you as the reason for why she went blind." I liked his choice of words. They made me feel like less of an evildoer.

Pausing, I blinked, and he crossed his arms, waiting for a reply. "…You're not crushing on the girl that sees you as the reason for why she went blind."

Axel groaned out a quick, "Smartass." He closed his eyes, rubbing his temples. "Roxas, this isn't good."

"I'm not crushing on her," I retorted. I could hear Aerith downstairs greeting Leon at this point, and I was getting anxious to see Xion.

Axel opened his eyes, giving me a disbelieving look. "I already know no good can come of this." He was murmuring to himself, like he was preparing for a storm.

"Axel—"

"You're going to get your heart broken by default because of her eyes, Roxas," he stated. He looked thoughtful, saddened even.

I huffed. "Axel, I… I'm not into her like that." How could I be? She hated me.

"Wow…" Axel whistled, placing his right knuckles on his hip. "You wanna know what's worse? I don't even think you realize you're crushing on her."

"I'm not crushing on Xion, alright?!" I asked loudly, clearly frustrated. "So just drop it!"

The smirk he was giving me was a calculating one. "…Okay." He glanced towards the entrance of my room. "Oh hey, Mrs. G.! How goes life?!"

Crap! I whirled around, standing to my feet. How long has she been standing there?!

Aerith cleared her throat from the doorway, giving me a look of discomfort. "It's been a bit of a struggle honestly," she greeted. Her eyes remained focused on mine. "Roxas, Xion wants you downstairs."

"Another task?" I asked, hurrying by. Don't ask me why I was running. I'm not even sure myself.

"Something like that," she stated, following after me at a slower pace.

Downstairs, I could hear Leon and Marlene arguing about whether or not unicorns and dragons were real. I'd just made it down the last step when I saw Marlene pouting up at my favorite person with her arms crossed. He was mimicking her expression, but his seemed more amused than anything else. I think it was impossible for him to get really upset with anyone except my dad—Cloud. I meant to say Cloud... Even though Leon's natural face was slightly annoyed looking all the time, I figured he probably just suffered from resting bitch face.

It's pretty common.

Xion was sitting on the couch in the living room, frowning. She looked glum, but I wasn't surprised, considering… That's the only part of her face that I could really see. She had on her jacket today and the hood was covering her head. Her boots reached her knees and she was tapping her right foot impatiently while she clutched her foldable walking cane in her hands.

Axel told me that sometimes, he'd literally watch Xion burst into tears and ask him why she'd been permanently hurt instead of me…

I told him to tell her what my mom always told me: Sometimes bad things happen to good people, and there's nothing you can do about it except find a way to turn it into a positive.

Ironically enough, I found a positive in Xion's blindness. It took Xion losing her sight for me to see how much I valued her as friend—and how much I valued seeing those blue eyes every day.

I think it was because they were a Mako blue, just like her dad's were…

I had to stop myself from tearing up at the thought of him. He was such a good man.

Xion's eyes were the last physical thing that belonged to him, besides my dad's sword….

"Dragons I can go for," Leon told the three-year, causing me to glance over at them. "But unicorns not so much." The large flat screen behind them was blasting Elsa's theme song in the movie Frozen, and I was afraid my ears might start to bleed. Don't get me wrong, I liked it the first time I'd heard it, but now… Look, Marlene played this movie every time she wanted to watch TV, and because of the repetitiveness, I hoped that I wasn't as routine as her when I was three. I couldn't imagine my mom and Cloud having to put up with that.

Marlene shook her head, making her bangs swing with the action. "But dey'a pwettie." Three-year-old rationality wins every time… Sometimes I imagined myself probing her brain for a day, seeing how the world worked from her perspective.

Marlene was a cutie whenever she talked.

Leon chuckled, nodding. "Okay, you win. They're real because they're pretty."

She beamed at him, whispering, "Yes!" to herself as she patted his legs, urging him to stop blocking her line of vision. She then grabbed the remote, and although she couldn't read, she'd memorized which button made the Blu-Ray rewind scenes. When Elsa began to sing again, Axel, Xion and I groaned, causing both adults to laugh.

It was adorable to see Leon observe the way Marlene sat too close to the screen—and I found myself smiling when he quietly scooped her up by her tiny torso and scooted her back a few feet. It reminded me of my siblings, and how I'd always have to do that with the twins when they did the same thing.

"Is Roxas here yet?" Xion asked. I hadn't seen her since the hospital incident. Axel told me she'd been getting help from her tutor for her… situation. I didn't want to ask about it in detail just yet. It's her business.

I took some steps towards her, saying, "Yeah. I'm here…" As I sat down beside her on the couch, I made sure to sit on farthest end away from her as possible. She liked her space when it came to me; I accepted that. "What do you need?"

"Vanitas is missing," she stated. "I need you to find him."

Axel and I chuckled, remembering the jokes he made earlier. "You want me to find a dog that constantly bites me whenever I come over to your house?" Not gonna happen.

She turned her head towards me, lifting her index finger. Her head remind down, though, as she said, "Need I remind you—" She pointed at her own face. "About this?"

Oh, here we go again…

I flinched, the memory of it causing me to quickly cover my ears in a sudden panic. It pissed me off to be reminded so much, like there was no escape, but it also made me a bit paranoid… See, the sound of it happening—the slicing sound in particular—gave me chills. It just wouldn't go away.

It was so gross to think about!

God I hate that sound… it's making me feel all itchy.

"You're scratching," Axel stated. His brow was arched. "You okay there?"

I stood, nodding. "Let's go find the mutt."

"He's a rare breed," Xion clarified, her frowning worsening. "Not a mutt."

I rolled my eyes. "Whatever you say, Xion."

Axel followed after me when I headed towards the door. "I'll help."

"Wait…" Xion didn't seem to like what she was hearing, so she stood, nearly tripping over the coffee table in the process. Leon had caught her before she fell, and she huffed when she aimed her finger straight ahead. I think it was meant to be directed at Axel and me, but she missed. "I'd like to come, too." I sensed some jealousy, but I wasn't dumb enough to call her out on it, or her poorly aimed finger pointing.


Being outside felt weird, especially since the further down the street the three of us walked, the more the neighbors had something to say about me.

"Why is she walking with him?" I heard someone speak. They sounded loud, like they wanted us to hear. "He's the reason she's blind!"

"Foolish if you ask me," someone said.

It was Axel who turned to them. "Well, no one asked you, so shove it." He took Xion's arm, leading her away as the women gasped, while I trailed behind. It sucked being the town's number one source of gossip, and I'm not just talking about Xion's eyes. They were talking about my family, too. That hurt even worse.

"I heard that boy's father is Cloud Strife," another person said.

My walk began to slow, and my hands curled into fists. So what?

"Weren't they best friends?!" another neighbor asked in horror. "Goodness, I'd be so ashamed if one of my children did something like that. Clearly that boy's got no respect."

"And poor Tifa! I heard Roxas put such a strain on her and Cloud's relationship because of that."

"Well, I heard they don't sleep in the same bed anymore—that Cloud refuses to even touch her."

"You'll never believe what I heard."

"What?"

"Cloud dragged Sora out of the hospital and—oh see! Roxas still has the marks on his arms to prove it! What a messed up family…"

"Roxas used to be such a sweetheart."

"What a shame. He's nothing but trouble now."

Someone made a 'tsk' noise. "It just goes to show that there's one in every family. Too bad it had to be Roxas."

"I don't understand why they're forcing Xion to be around him, though. That seems unfair on her end. Poor dear."

"I'd never want to be around the boy who did that me," someone said. "The idea is just disgusting!"

"I know! What was Aerith thinking?! How could she let her daughter roam around with such a troublesome boy?"

Closing my eyes, I sighed. I didn't really feel up to searching for a dog anymore, or even stepping foot back outside again, not when everyone knew my business. I felt like I was famous for being infamous—like the entire town was judging me before they even knew me.

It didn't feel fair…

"Fair…?" I asked myself in a murmur. When I opened my eyes, I saw that Axel and Xion had already walked a good bit ahead and I decided to travel the opposite direction.

Without thinking, I ran.

I didn't know where I was going, or what I was looking for, but I ran for what felt like hours. By the time I stopped, all I saw was forest.

The thunder began to roar and I peered up. It reminded me of a time when…


The hospital room was quiet as my dad and I entered. I was barely the age that twins were now, but I was just tall enough to peer over my mother's arms from where she lay to get a good glimpse of the two beings she was holding. "Roxas," my mom told me. "This is Ventus." She moved her left arm slightly, letting me know which one she meant.

I'll be perfectly honest here and say that to me, at the time—since I had no knowledge of where babies came from and where they were pushed from during delivery—I thought they were from outer space. Seriously, their heads made them look like little aliens—at the time. By day three, they were good to go.

I got excited. "Ventus? Like after Grandpa Ventus?!" I missed him… At least he died in his sleep.

She nodded, and I could tell her labor had been a hard one. She looked exhausted, and all the more appreciative when my dad took Ventus from her. "And this little guy," she said, cradling the tiny baby in her arms. Her brows furrowed. "I'm not quite sure what we should call him yet."

I didn't know if she was talking to me, or my dad. Her eyes seemed entranced on the unnamed twin.

She had this big book of baby names sitting on the nearby counter that she'd been looking at for seven months straight, and when my dad noticed it, he gently placed Ventus back in my mom's arm. As he guided me to the large brown chair beside the bed, we seated ourselves—with me in his lap—trying to pick something out.

I didn't know that we had all drifted to sleep until I heard the sound of thunder. It was roaring, screaming at everyone to let us know it should be feared and awed.

Scooting out of my dad's lap, I hopped onto the floor and crept over to the window, gazing up at the amazing shades of grey. The flashes of blue and yellow were enough to make me jump, and I backed into a strong pair of legs. They weren't my dads…

I hadn't noticed he'd entered the room, but I was thankful that he picked me up and we watched the weather together. It was something we always did. Over his shoulder, I saw that Xion was now occupying my favorite spot on my dad's lap, sleeping soundly with him while Aerith was taking one of the twins from my mom's arm.

That was when the idea hit me. "We can name him after something like that," I suggested, pointing out the window. "Like dad, so that it matches?"

He was giving me an appreciative grin. "Something similar to Cloud…?" I could feel his energy radiating off the walls, my sleepiness forgotten. "How about Raine?"

I giggled, shaking my head. "No-no! That sounds like a girl's name!"

"I guess Sky is out of the option then," he said, sounding amused.

I frowned, crossing my arms while we met gazes. "I guess so…"

"But that's a unisex name," he countered.

"Unisex?"

"That means for a girl and boy," he explained. "In Japanese, Sky sounds much better."

I tilted my head, wrapping my arms around his neck when the thunder began to frighten me, and I quickly shut my eyes.

"I've got you, Roxas." That was all the reassurance I needed to open my eyes, seeing his confident smile.

"What's it called in Japanese?" I finally asked. He had tried time and time again to practice Japanese with me, but the words never really stuck. I didn't really enjoy talking in other languages, which was a shame because now I appreciated how different it could make a person seem.

"I'll give you a hint, little man," he said, kissing my temple. I startled when the thunder roared again, feeling him rub my back soothingly with his free hand. "It starts with an 'S'."

I touched my chin in deep thought, thinking of the name.

It was a perfect name, sentimental to me then, and especially now, because he and I picked it out together…

Sora…


I smiled up at the sky, stuffing my hands in my pockets. "Starts with an 'S'... Right, Zack?" It felt as if the thunder had echoed in reply.

Eventually, my feet carried me to the cemetery and I saw my grandfather's grave not far from there. However, despite wanting to go near it to pay my respects (like always whenever I came here), I decided to pace towards a grave that I hadn't been to in a while—the grave that I was most afraid to visit.

"Hey there," I whispered, waving at the marble stone. "Been a while…" I knelt in front of the grave, scratching a speck of dirt off the side. "I know I'm probably the last person you wanted here, but I think it's time we had a chat…" The rain began to fall, but it was light sprinkles—calming me somehow, reminding me of him—and I sat down in front of the slab.

Really, I… I just talked.

I spoke until I had nothing left to say.

I told Mr. Fair about what happened—about how Xion was—about how I was… I just wanted him to know that I messed up… but also that I was sorry, for everything.

"He knows that," Xion said softly behind me. Had she been standing there the whole time?

She actually giggled, even if it was quiet. "Just enough to hear about how sorry you are, Roxas…"

I slowly turned to see her and Axel standing a few feet away, and noticed that the rain had stopped. Axel was holding the mutt—I mean, Vanitas in his hands, while Xion was holding his upper left arm for support. She was using her right to hold her walking stick, with was folded in her hands. I wanted to ask why she didn't have it unfolded, but again, I decided against it. "I see you found the demon."

Xion nodded. "No thanks to you."

"None needed."

Axel looked unsure of my emotional state, and as he gave me a look, he mouthed, 'You okay?'

I nodded, giving him a smile. 'I'm fine, Ax.'

'Don't lie to me.'

'Promise.'

He sighed, eventually giving me a long stare before he said, "Okay."

"Okay what?" Xion asked.

"Nothing," we both lied.

I noticed that Xion had reached forward. It was a clumsy movement, and I was already on my feet to catch her hand when she began reaching ahead. I guided us back down on the wet grass and watched as she sat on her knees. Axel did the same, but he didn't come sit beside us. I think he was trying to give us some space and let us talk. Either that or he was plotting how to go about killing the mutt in his hands, which was biting his hand.

"I haven't been here in so long," she stated, and I had forgotten how quiet her tone was. It was timid, but not in the sense that she felt overwhelmed by anything—more like soft, with a bit of a calming vibe. "I forgot the color mom picked out for him…" She reached forward, hesitant in her movements. It took her a while to actually find the tombstone, considering… but I didn't want to place her hand there myself. It would ruin her moment. Besides, I kind of felt like she needed to do it herself, like she'd feel slightly better if she did…

I'd been right, because I saw a little bit of resolve in her expression after that. It's funny; even though I never got to see her eyes anymore, I could still tell what she was thinking—and how she was feeling—by staring at her lips…

Does that make me weird?

"What color is it, Roxas?" It sounded almost as if she were begging me.

"It's a dark grey," I told her, my voice awkward and low. "Made of marble, with jasper surrounding each scribed letter…" I wanted to be as descriptive as possible, especially so she wouldn't forget again.

"You know," she spoke up. "Sometimes, I can still remember what he smelled like—the sound of his laugh…"

"The way he'd reprimand us whenever we'd play struggle in my living room," I added.

"Yeah…" She smiled, brushing her hair behind her ear. "Remember the squats he and your dad made us do after we broke the vase?"

I chuckled. "Uh, Xion?"

"Hm?"

"That wasn't a vase."

Her lips parted. "R-really?"

"Yeah, remember? It was actually my Grandpa Ventus' urn," I explained, blushing out of embarrassment. "I think my dad was only mad because his ashes got mixed in with the dirt from the vacuum cleaner."

She burst into a fit of laughter, and I appreciated the sound. "Oh, that's right! He lectured us about that for an hour!"

"And then he made us pick out all the large pieces of dirt…" We both cringed at the thought, but there were still smiles lingering on our faces.

All too quickly, Xion became moody again, and my friend from years past had gone. "Why are you here, Roxas?"

"My feet carried me here," I answered. I felt the tension in the area, and Vanitas began barking at me when he sensed it, too. "I didn't mean anything by it, Xion—"

"I don't want you to come here again," she said. Her words seemed final.

At first, I wanted to ask, "Who gave you the right to tell me…?"

…But then again, Xion, Aerith and Marlene, had the only right to tell me that I couldn't be here. "You know… he was my godfather," I reminded her, brows furrowing. "If it were the other way around, you'd want to see Cloud every now and then, too. He's your godfather."

She didn't comment any further, so I said, "Okay."

"Okay what?" she asked.

"I won't…" It hurt to know that I wasn't allowed to be here and I touched the right side of my temples, feeling a migraine forming. "I won't come here anymore."

"Good," was her quiet reply.

I frowned at her, and before I could say something vicious in reply, Axel waved, getting my attention. He mouthed, 'You won't win.'

He was right.

Instead of replying with malice, I asked, "What did Cloud say to you at the hospital?" She had come back in tears after their talk, right before he dragged Sora away.

Her lips began to quiver and there was a strain in her voice. "Y-you…" Her face hardened, but she kept her head turned towards the tombstone, her fingers sliding over the arch to smear the droplets that had collected. Just when I thought she'd tell me what he told her, she asked, "You call your dad 'Cloud' now?"

Annoyed, I said, "That's not what I asked you."

"You're right," she stated. "But that is what I asked you."

I narrowed my eyes at her. "Why are you so—?"

"If you have to ask, then you're clueless, Roxas," she bit out.

Our referee, Axel was on his feet in an instant, coming over to gently pull Xion up with his left hand while he balanced Vanitas in his right. "Come on." As she rose, he murmured, "And you two were doing so well…" He glanced down at me, waiting for me to stand. With a discomfiting sigh, I rose and got to my feet.

"Xion—"

"I don't want to hear it," she commanded, and I shut my mouth.

The neighborhood was right. She shouldn't have to be around me all the time… She shouldn't even have to talk to me, but she did.

"Okay," I whispered, walking away.


By the time we arrived back at my—I mean, Leon's house. Marlene was yet again belting out lyrics to the same musical she'd been watching before. Axel led Xion away towards the living room and I waited at the door, leaning against it.

Xion pissed me off.

Every time she commanded me to do something I just wanted to smack her or tell her where I could shove my foot… but then, I kept trying to put myself in her shoes. I kept trying to see it from her eyes—ironically enough…

And then I'd understand that I couldn't see anything from her perspective. All I'd gotten the opportunity to see now was darkness—total, black abyss from her side.

I slowly slid down to the floor, pulling my knees to my chest so that I could hug my legs. It was tough deciding what was worse, being Xion or being myself. These days I wish I'd been the blind one, so I didn't have to see those judging looks everyone was giving me.

Or maybe deaf so I didn't have to hear the gossip.

The doorbell rang, but I refused to answer it, burying my face in my knees.

When it rang again, I groaned and rose, swinging it open to shout at the idiot who dared to bother me while I was sulking…

"Hayner?"

"Can we talk?" he asked. "Really talk this time?"

I shut the door behind me as I stepped outside, and we stood on the porch. "Are… Are you alright?"

"No," he said quickly, rubbing the back of his neck. "I don't feel right about anything, especially the way I handled things in your room earlier." He was talking with his hands, something he did when he was nervous. Classic Hayner. "I want things to be the way they used to be, too—I really do, Roxas."

He looked tortured just by looking at me. "And if I'd have known that Xion was lying I wouldn't have—"

"If I were you in that situation, I would've done the same thing," I admitted. "So let's just not speak of it again, 'Kay? I really just want to forget about that day." And suddenly, I understood Xion's perspective—why she wanted to talk to me as if nothing happened sometimes, but then snap out of it and say something harsh the next.

She couldn't forget it.

Seifer and I had rendered her unable to.

As I heard Marlene singing again, I whispered, "God, she'll never let it go." I didn't know which of the Fair sisters I had directed that statement.

Hayner touched my left shoulder, and I peered over to see him giving me a small grin. "My little sis has been belting out that song for weeks," he stated, causing us both to chuckle lightly.

When our laughter subsided, he asked, "…Roxas?"

"Yeah?"

"You up for skateboarding to the usual spot?" I didn't know where Olette and Pence were, but I was glad that Hayner and I were getting some much-needed one on one time. Even though the air around us was a little awkward, we were still trying to revert things to be the way they once were. Even though we knew we couldn't go back to being exactly the way they'd been, we were going to try to get our friendship back to being close to perfect.

And because of this, I couldn't stop myself from grinning as we casually walked down the porch steps, mischief in our eyes. "All my things are still at Cloud's house, except my clothes." I'd been lucky enough to have them delivered via Moody Daddy Express.

Hayner gave me a shrug. "I've got three boards at my house, one green, one red and one blue. You can borrow any one of them… except the red one."

As I stuffed my hands in my pockets, I asked, "Why not the red one?"

He rolled his eyes, suddenly looking elsewhere while he scratched the back of his head. "You gave me that one, remember?"

I did…?

…Oh yeah! I did!

It had been a birthday present.

He kept it…? After all this time…? "Okay, then we can race down the hill later!" We used to race past shops all the time, especially during the summer.

He laughed at my childish outburst, but I was just happy to do something familiar—other than sulking the day away.

"Roxas!" Leon called from the porch. "Where are you to going?!"

I turned around so fast that I thought I'd get whiplash. "Leon!" I groaned, feeling like he was an embarrassing parent. "I'm just heading to Hayner's house, geez!" Don't embarrass me! Don't embarrass me! For the love of all things holy, don't—!

"Make sure you call me when you get there!" he shouted, crossing his arms. There was a smug grin on his face, one that informed me that maybe he liked the 'mortify your kid parenting style' a little too much.

With wide eyes, I waved at him yelling, "I got it, Leon!" I was quick to pick up my pace, urging Hayner to do the same.

"And don't forget to—!"

I whirled around, shouting, "I said I got it, dad!" Almost in the same breath, I slapped my hand over my mouth. "I mean…!" I winced, swearing under my breath. "I got it, Leon!" I felt so confused right now. My brain had said Leon the second time I called out, but my mouth said dad.

I think this was either just me missing Cloud or trying my best to replace him.

All assumptions aside, the word freaked me out at this point.

Face palming—and not wanting to look Leon in the eye—I turned around, trudging past Hayner, who was trying his best to contain his chuckle. "Never speak of this," I warned.

"…It's okay, you know?" he asked as we walked. This time, I tried my best to ignore the neighbor's pointless gossip, and I was thankful that even though Hayner heard what was being said, he overlooked it, too. "I call my godfather dad, and my real one doesn't mind."

"But Leon's not my…" Zack had been my godfather, and I never called him dad. The idea never occurred to me. I just felt like he was one of those cool uncles who popped into town every now and then, but with frequent, daily visits…

"I'm confused," I murmured.

"Why not try talking to your real dad about it?"

"It's not that simple, Hayner. A lot more's happened since the you punched me in the face." I paused at my own words, shaking my head. That didn't sound normal. Nothing about my life sounded normal anymore.

"Tell me everything."

I scoffed. "Where to start?"

"At the bad beginning, I guess," he answered. "I want to know every detail."

And as we paced, I told him all that I knew of the situation, every bit of angst that I'd brought upon myself. By the time I finished explaining, I knew that there was only one person I wanted to see now—one kid in need of seeing me, too…

Of my three little brothers, it would be him that Cloud had snatched away from me like that…

It just had to be you…

"Sora…" I knew that I'd give anything to see him—anything—and that Axel had been right.

Waiting wasn't good enough anymore.

...

A/N: I'm really happy about all the views this has gotten and the favs and alerts! Thanks so much guys! Also, expect this fic to be a monthly update, unless I get another opportunity to write a new chapter. If you'd like, you're welcome to leave a review, or hit the fav or alert button! All types make my day!

Also, I'm really interested in reading a good angst fic in the KH section if anyone has any recommendations. I don't care about the pairing, genders, or if there isn't a pairing at all. I'd just like to read a good, lengthy one without having to search for one. You can even recommend your own if you want! It just takes time for me to sort through the summaries on this site and find one that piques my interest. I find myself severely lacking in time this year—almost as if I'm chasing it to be quite honest. Don't know where the hell this year's gone.

-AJ