A/N: Once again, please review. Thank you!

7.

Jasper POV

Never in all my years had I ever wished more to be human… to be warm and soft… than when Ray needed it from me most… Not just wanted, needed. I hadn't known what to expect when she'd gone into the bathroom, but I'd felt so much despair it didn't seem she or I or both of us were big enough to contain it. And then… nothing. And I knew she'd given up.

It pissed me the hell off. Even though I understood the why's and wherefore's, I couldn't just let her kill herself. Truth be told, there were easier ways. I'd been around long enough to know how creative humans could get with that sort of thing and I made a note to keep her away from sharp objects, rope, anything.

But holding her, listening to her cry, had almost done me in. Even though there were warning bells in my head telling me not to touch her, not to get too close. I'd always been scared of my bloodlust and my lack of control, but for some reason, Araya's scent, while nice, had never said "meal" to me.

Feeling her despair nearly broke me all over again and it felt as though a tiny chisel and hammer were working away at the walls I'd built up around my heart since Alice left.

In that moment, if only for just an hour, I wanted to be human and warm and real for her, so that I could comfort her like she deserved to be comforted. I held her for a long while after she fell asleep, I enjoyed that time… listening to her breathe, watching her tiny hand curled around a part of my shirt she'd fisted. But then she'd started to shiver and I knew I'd have to cover her up and get her warm.

The rest of the night was full of nothing but bitter thoughts, loneliness, and a growing discomfort in the fact that that tiny little human had somehow woven her way into my life, just like she wove herself into every place we stopped, and I wasn't sure I'd ever be able to get her out.

That notion sat so unsteadily with me that I couldn't bring myself to speak for several days. I was just too wrapped up in my own shit, I barely registered Araya's moods, but she didn't seem to mind the quiet. She barely looked at me, which only served to blacken my mood more.

I wasn't, however, leaving her unsupervised anymore. Whenever she needed a bath, I was never far away, not that I'd made her aware of my prowling. I'd have been in pieces and set ablaze faster than I could count to one if she knew how much of her I'd seen. When I'd pulled her from the bath, I hadn't registered anything of her body, but by the third day, I knew every curve her body had, every scar; I'd memorized one of the obvious reasons their laws required them to keep their torsos covered: a clan tattoo of writings and glyphs spreading down her spin before spreading in a horizontal line at her hips. Her thighs had the same sort of tattoos running on the insides, and there were several individual glyphs tattooed over her right and left bottom ribs. It was almost sadistic, putting a child through that much pain. And she'd kill me outright if she knew that I'd seen.

It wasn't until the seventh day that I finally opened my mouth. "Ray, I need to hunt."

She was lying in a patch of grass she'd "helped along", her nimble fingers curling through the air. The action would've been completely inane except that as her fingers curled, so did the grass, bending and swaying with her motions. I doubt she even noticed, all she did was nod.

I sighed. This would probably hurt. "Ray, I'm not leaving you alone… I need you to come with me to hunt." She made no sign she'd heard me. "Ray? Did you hear what I said? I'm not leaving you alone." I paused. "I haven't left you alone for several days. I've been hovering… the entire time." Still nothing. "You want to tell me about the tattoos?" I thought for sure I'd be alight with that one, but she yawned and rolled over onto her stomach. "Ray, please." I sighed.

She huffed and stood up and for the first time, I noticed her eyes. She really had given up. There was no spark, no fire… just… emptiness. And I'd been too busy running myself in circles to notice it. I stood and sniffed, instantly picking up the scent of mountain lion nearby. My eyes jerked to the ridge above us to find the large cat leering at us, but it could smell me, it knew I was the predator. I grabbed Ray and leapt deftly into one of the larger trees surrounding us, placing her lightly on a thick bough. She simply sat down with her back to the trunk, her eyes sliding closed, and I stepped back off the branch to stalk my prey.

The optimistic part of me thought that maybe if she saw a flicker of life in something, maybe her spark would come back. Stupidest. Notion. Ever. When I returned to the base of the tree a half hour later, she was hanging upside-down from the branch I'd left her on, her eyes closed, her arms dangling straight down. There wasn't anything to indicate she was doing more than entertaining herself until she just dropped. She fucking dropped herself off the damn branch! I caught her deftly and her eyes sprung open in surprise.

"This is gonna get old quick, you keep this up." I snarled, plopping her on the ground. She simply sat down at the base of the tree and I felt myself sigh. Ray was rubbing off on me. "I'm not gonna keep doing this, Sweetheart. You need to fucking deal. I know that's harsh and I know it sucks, but there's gotta come a point where you snap out of it." She just stared at her feet. "Dammit, Ray! I thought you didn't want to die!" I half-yelled, but it was enough to make her jump a little.

"I don't." she hissed through gritted teeth.

"Then why the hell are you pulling this shit? One of these days, I'm not gonna be here to catch you or yank your scrawny ass out of the tub."

She just shook her head wearily and sank to her knees. "I just want to go home." She sniffed. "I'm tired of this. I want it done."

I sat down next to her and tentatively put my arm around her shoulder, hugging her to me. "I know the feeling better than you can ever imagine." I murmured into her hair. "But that doesn't mean you just give up."

She snorted a laugh and shrugged me off. "Right."

"What? Of course I'm right." I replied defensively.

"Jasper, do you hear yourself? You're so broken you don't know where half your pieces are anymore." She glowered at me.

I blinked furiously, processing what she'd just said. "What are you talking about?"

"The Seer." She sneered the word and I suppressed a growl. "Alice, right? She was yours." I didn't answer. "And they have her now and she left you… so what? You're gonna lecture me with the whole keep on keepin' on while you muddle your way through the rest of your existence?"

"We're not talking about me." I snarled.

"It's all about you. It's all connected to you. Your mate sends the Volturi after my people and you what? Volunteer to be my personal protector. You don't think I know why you did that? You're hoping you get close enough to maybe get her back, persuade her, or maybe she'll fall right back in love with you. I'm not completely dense."

FFFFFUUUUUCCCCCKKKKK.

I didn't know what to say to that. Honestly, what was there say? She was right. That's why I'd volunteered, that's why I worked so hard to control my bloodlust, stay on her good side, keep her safe, keep us moving…

But I hadn't thought about getting Alice back for weeks. I'd thought about her, sure, but I hadn't thought about getting her back. Somehow, Ray had managed to wheedle herself into the dark recesses that only Alice had ever before reached, and now Ray was the only one there.

There was a dryness to my throat I couldn't blame on the thirst, which only served to unnerve me. "That's… how it started, yes." I whispered, but she was no longer paying attention to me. Her eyes had slid closed again and she'd leaned her head back against the tree.

"I want to go home, Jasper." She murmured. "I think I need to see it all for myself."

"Demetri will expect—" I started to protest, but she cut me off.

"Screw Demetri!" there was that fire. I knew it was still there. "I need to see my home… what they did to it." She sighed. "I need to see if any of the glyphs are still there." She huffed. "Maybe I can learn something… something more than just the kicking… maybe something that'll help me survive."

I stared at her, appraising the set of her jaw, the resolve etched from the furrow of her brow to the pout of her lips. I probably wouldn't win if I argued. I knew that.

"If you don't want to go, I understand. It's a risk for you as well." She said. "I can go myself."

Well, didn't that just let me off the hook. Too fucking bad I actually cared if she lived or died.

"We'll go." I whispered hoarsely. "Just… let's wait until the morning."

She gave a small smile, though her eyes were still closed. "Hoping I'll get scared enough to back out?"

"Sort of."

She shook her head and began plucking at her tunic, trying to get some air across her chest. I hadn't even noticed the temperature or the fact that sweat was beading on her forehead.

"Ray, the clothes Esme packed for you are probably cooler than that tunic."

"Probably."

I cocked an eyebrow at her. "Then why don't you wear them? You've been wearing those same clothes for weeks now."

She pulled a face but still didn't open her eyes. "It's not like I don't wash them. They get washed every time I have a water source."

"But Esme packed you a bunch of clothes… so that you wouldn't have to wash them every day." I countered.

Her eyes opened and immediately found something to watch off in the distance. "They were her clothes."

What the shit?

"Pardon?"

"Your mate's. They were hers." Oh fuck me sideways.

"So?"

She heaved a sigh and her eyes rolled skyward. Sometimes she really was frustrating when she did that. "So I saw the look on your face when Esme made me put them on. Isn't it just easier if I wear my own things?"

Oh for the love of all that's warm and squishy. Seriously.

"So you've been washing your ratty old tunic and skirt every day for weeks so that I don't have to see you in Alice's clothes?" her eyes dropped to her lap. "Ray, that's…" I had to think a minute. "Kinda sweet, but not necessary." Her eyes rolled at that. "It's not. I'm fine. The clothes weren't getting worn. Better you wear them than they collect dust and get eaten by moths."

She was watching me carefully out of the corner of her eye. It amazed me that she rarely if ever looked me full in the face, but she seemed to learn more about me from watching me at the current angle. It was weird.

"You're sure?" she finally asked. I nodded. "Fine." And then her eyes were closed again, her head against the tree trunk.

"You hungry?" her head shook from side-to-side.

We lapsed into silence until nightfall. I'd used the time to get a handle on Araya's emotions, and while giving up no longer seemed to be an option to her, I felt myself sinking into a dark place right along with her… I wasn't sure what to say anymore.

I rarely spoke at home, and even then, it had always been easiest to speak to Alice. Since… well, let's just say I wasn't verbose. My word count with Araya totaled more than in the past four years. That alone was a feat in and of itself… but what was there to say?

I know where you're coming from?

It's OK to be scared?

I'd said those things. I couldn't guarantee she'd heard them, but I'd said them.

And aside from the overwhelming darkness, the loneliness, the survivor's guilt, the general guilt, the fear, there were feelings I really wish I wasn't privy to. Feelings only a teenage girl could feel at a time like this… well… a teenage girl and the empath sitting next to her.

Embarassment. At what?

Lust. For who?

Friendship. That one's definitely not about me. She's made that one clear.

And then suddenly her cheeks flamed and she stood and stormed off toward the river we'd chosen to camp near for the night. It caught me off-guard, but I suddenly understood why as I realized my hand had been outstretched, reaching as though to wrap around her shoulders. I let her go, so long as she was in my sight. I hadn't meant to intrude on her feelings and I certainly hadn't meant to lose myself in them.

No, that certainly had not been my intention.

Even so, I couldn't help but smile a little. Araya… Hard-hearted little Ray, the one I'd christened "Mouth of the South" during a brief stop in Texas (apparently the men took the swear words back to the clan too), the one who made no bones about the fact that she'd "roast me like Felix" if I looked at her wrong, the one who wrinkled her nose every time I had to hunt (remembering her original threat if I didn't keep myself fed), the one who'd let her curiosity get the better of her for only a moment that day in the sunshine… Araya actually thought kindly of me on occasion.

I didn't know what to do with that.

I was fairly certain she'd roast me if I even mentioned it, so that was out.

I mean… Fuck my existence, what the hell could I say to that, even if she wouldn't roast me?

"Sorry, you're not my type." Right. Blood type. I just knew somewhere in the deep recesses of her mind, that dark little amendment would've followed that statement.

"I know how you feel." Aside from being completely generic as well as humiliating, considering my powers, who the hell wants to hear that, even if the speaker ISN'T an empath?

Before I could go much further in my thoughts, she was back, walking briskly toward me, but she stopped ten feet away, as though that was a safe enough distance.

"I'm going to bed." The tone startled me… Like I'd offended her. Well… I wasn't on fire yet…

I nodded and made to stand, but she immediately burrowed down and I was left sitting there like a moron. Apparently I wasn't welcome tonight.

I tried to tell myself she just needed time, that everything was hitting her at once and she was more vulnerable and emotional, but that didn't take the sting out. Even if we weren't friends, there were times… quiet moments between us… where it was almost as if we were.

I sighed, focusing in on her heartbeat. She was only about ten feet underground. Her pulse was rapid and erratic, even muffled I couldn't miss it, and then I was suddenly all-too-aware of why I wasn't welcome tonight. Even through ten feet of dirt, there was no mistaking the sobs.

I listened for hours, cringing occasionally as she sobbed and sometimes yelled and screamed. Apparently she didn't have as good a handle as I gave her credit for, but at least she wasn't shutting down anymore. Part of me wished I could help… that she'd let me hold her again… and the unbidden thoughts that followed that one were quickly squashed with a firm No.

But for some reason, I didn't like that answer anymore.

It didn't sit well with me. I mean, come the hell on… a human? What was this? Some sappy romance novel? I certainly wasn't Edward… I couldn't handle a human as carefully as was required and still keep my bloodlust under control.

But then I remembered holding her, stroking her hair, smiling at how easily and perfectly her head fit into the crook of my neck. The bloodlust wasn't a problem and I felt my brow furrow as I wondered why. Araya smelled… amazing…like honey and clover with a woodsy undertone… cedar. Honey, clover, and cedar. Under normal circumstances, that scent would've sent the fire in my throat into an uproar, but not with Araya. For some reason, the scent seemed to calm me… almost as though the thirst were already quenched and there was no need for blood.

I had relished the feel of her forehead pressed against my neck, the way she fit so easily into my arms, the warmth of her skin… I shook myself out of those thoughts. No.

I still didn't like the sound of that answer.

She didn't want to die. And I'd be damned if I'd put her in harm's way.

And I was broken.

But I don't have to be.

No!

The lust was just a fleeting thought on her part. I'm a Goddamn fucking vampire. I know I'm good looking, it's how we draw in the prey. She was a young, inexperienced girl with her life probably constantly flashing before her eyes and it probably looked a little bleak and lonely.

It didn't have anything to do with me. Ray was staring down the barrel of a gun and lamenting never being in love. I was just the only male around to lament about.

I didn't like how that sounded either. It really kinda hurt.