The next couple of weeks were weird. I was locked in a room alone, strapped down to a bed apart from meal times and shower times. I was isolated from everyone else, I wasn't given a chance to explain myself. I didn't particularly want one. I knew no one would believe me. I didn't get any visits from anyone. The girls did try to visit me, but I don't think they were allowed in, I knew they were there because I could here them talking. And laughing. They were always so loud. There were times I started to believe I really did destroy the office myself, but then I hear the girls and I know they were there, but it's pretty scary when you start to doubt your own sanity.
Weeks went by until I was allowed back into the ward. I decided to keep pretending to get better and then they'd let me go. I didn't refrain from talking to people, when I had meetings with my doctor I just pretended to tell him how I was feeling when I was I'm more emotional pain than I was letting on. I was hurting but there was only one thing that took away the pain, cutting, I couldn't even scratch at my old cuts in here because they check my arms, legs and stomach everyday.
I was sitting in the TV room when I felt a tap on my shoulder, it was Nancy.
'Sky, you have a visitor, she's waiting in your room for you.' I knew it must be Rani, so I put on a smile and prepared to act 'well' for her. I went to my room. And sat on my bed, was Rani. She looked so out of place. But of course, she's not insane.
'Sky!' she stood up opening her arms.
'Rani!' I ran to her for a hug. Admittley it was nice having human contact that wasnt someone trying to restrain me or some crazy person stroking my head. We pulled apart. The first thing that came to my mind was my brother.
'Have you heard anything about Luke?' I asked sitting down on the chair in my room. I picked at my trimmed nails.
'Yes, I have, that's why I'm here.'
'Well?'
'He's a lot better, I've seen him a few times since I last saw you, the Doctor's saying mine and Clyde's visits are helping him a lot. He's started speaking to us more normally, he's asked about you a lot.' she smiled at me.
'Really? What did he say? You didn't tell him I'm in here did you?'
'He already knew, they told him a few weeks ago.'
'Oh, well, do you know when he can go home? I can't go back to that home Rani, I can't!' I panicked.
'Sky, don't worry, they're going to keep him in for a little bit longer, 2 weeks they said.' I smiled. 'But, he needs someone to be home with him at all times, so Clyde is going to stay at yours for a bit.'
'Why? I'll be home, we don't need Clyde living in our house.'
'Sky, your 13, you can't look after him alone, plus you might not be-' she stopped.
'Might not be what?'
'Sorry I-'
'Might not be what, Rani? Might not be well enough? Rani, I'm so much better now. I'll be fine.' she looked down at my hands.
'Sky...' I looked down. I had dug so deep into my nail beds that I'd started bleeding. 'You will get better Sky, and Luke will be okay.' she started to leave.
'No, don't go Rani, I'm fine.' she was gone, I shouted down the hall. 'I'M BETTER NOW!' I began to scream it. Nancy ran to me, guided me into my room and onto my bed. I lay there, frozen with fear, fear that I would always be like this and I'd never be able to see my brother again.
I woke up the next morning with Nancy tapping my shoulder again. She said I had a meeting with my doctor, she took me to his office. I sat in the, now tidy, office on the couch opposite his desk. We talked for ages, I told him yesterday was just a stupid slip up because of the stress, and I just need to avoid stress from now on. He agreed. He told me I could leave in 3 weeks, if I stayed calm, behaved and took all my pills when I was supposed to. I agreed. So I'd be home in 3 weeks. 1 week after Luke. He might be able to visit me. I'll see him. I was overcome with joy. And then I heard the laughter again. I ignored it, waited til I got back to my room, lay down on my bed and pushed it away. It lasted a good 20 minutes. Maybe if I learn to deal with it like this then it would go away.
So over the next few weeks, I behaved, ignored the laughter, stayed calm, took all my pills, went to all my dance classes. And the day finally came, I had a calender in my room and it said "LAST DAY" in big bold writing, I think Nancy wrote it for me. Luke hadn't visited me, and I hadn't heard anything about him. I had packed my things in a backpack and sat on my bed. I looked around. I definitley wouldn't miss it here. Olivia came in and sat on her bed.
'It was nice to share a room with you, I hope you get out of here soon too.' I said to here.
'Oh I doubt I will, but thanks.'
'Why do you doubt it? The world can be an awful place but there are some good days.' maybe I should listen to my own advice.
'I don't want to leave, I have nowhere to go, my family are gone, I don't have friends, no one.'
'You can go to a care home you know, to be honest they're not that bad, compared to this place.' Nancy came in.
'Time to go, petal.'
'Good luck.' I said to Olivia.
So I followed Nancy to the doors of the ward. I could see Lily on through the glass. She smiled at me, I smiled back.
'I'm sorry to put you through that.' I said.
'Don't be sorry, sweet heart.' she kissed my head. 'Now, I'm going to take you back to the home to get your things, then I need to take you home and you can fill out some paperwork with your brother for me.
'So he's better now?' she nodded as we got into the car. I was too excited to see Luke to listen to anything Lily was saying in the car. When we got to the car home I ran in and got all my stuff as fast as I could and ran back down the the office where Lily was getting the paperwork stuff, I rushed her and finally we got back into the car. The journey home felt so long but we got there. It was so nice to see the house lit up, rather than dim with its own grief for the loss of Sarah Jane, it was like the house was happy to see me. I ran right up to the door and knocked as loud as I could. Rani answered the door though, she hugged me took my bags and welcomed Lily in.
'He's in his room, but Sky, be calm okay.' I didn't really get what she meant, but I ran upstairs and to his room. I brought myself to an abrupt stop. I took a breath.
'Luke?' I said from outside his room.
'Sky?' he responded, I burst in to his room, he was standing by his bookcase. We ran to each other and he picked me up and swung me round. He pulled me towards him and we hugged for a good few minutes. 'I'm sorry.' he said tearfully.
'No, I'm sorry.' we pulled apart and sat on his bed. 'I don't want to talk about what happened to either of us.'
'Neither do I, but we have to really. Not right this second okay?' he looked at me in that 'I'll always protect you" way that I've missed so much.
'Okay.' and for the first time since before mum died, I actually felt okay.
I continued taking my pills, I went to therapy every week, me and Luke talked whenever one of us was having a bad day. Things actually got better, I'd be lying if I said I hadn't hurt myself since, but I've definitely gotten better, and one day everything will be better. It can always get better.
In loving memory of Elizabeth Sladen.
