Chapter 7

Amy had been home from the hospital a week and I'd been looking after her during the day while Lee was at work. Mostly, we watched telly in her room, and made fun of ugly people on chat shows. She was frustrated and worried and hated bed rest with a passion. I tried to make her laugh as often as I could, but I was a little rusty in the merry making department.

It had also been a week or so since I'd slept with Brendan and to say it was still in my thoughts would be an understatement. I tried to stay focused on Amy but my mind would drift to that night with Brendan, his body over mine, the warmth of it, and the thing that would really set me off was that fucking stare of his. If I drifted off too long Amy would ask what was wrong in this concerned hesitant voice. She still worried about my state of mind. Sometimes she would assume I was thinking about the kids and say softly that she thought of them too, then a guilt would weave its way into my belly. How could I be thinking about Brendan after all that has happened? The minute I set foot back in Hollyoaks I was more consumed with the loss of them then I had been since it happened. They ran through my head almost constantly, but then I get a bit of Brady dick in me and suddenly they're pushed to the background? It didn't make sense and it felt disrespectful in a way that made me queasy. It never mattered where I moved to or how far I went their ghosts followed me, haunted my dreams. Their faces loomed in every corner of my mind. My life changed when I became their dad, they were my life and I found after they were gone they still were. There was a comfort in that, as odd as that might sound. I felt sometimes like they still existed in a way and that my failure to move on from them wasn't something to be pitied or talked away in therapy but something worth doing.

I'm not saying I didn't do things to forget from time to time, things no man should blame on his children. I had tried to fuck the pain away more times than I could count and that wasn't the worst of it, but it never killed the pain for long. I never felt guilty over one night stands or taking fistfuls of pills or getting drunk off my ass because the relief was always so fleeting. But I found that Brendan and having been with him took up too much of my head space. I could've found relief in the fact that these thoughts of us together brought me no joy, but it didn't.

I didn't regret what we did together in a traditional sense. I didn't feel ashamed of what had happened. It just felt wrong in a way, like I had violated the flow of time. I had on a whim just thrown out everything that had happened between him and I. I set my mind to a different time, and threw myself down this rabbit hole, deep down into this emotional pit I hadn't dealt with or thought of in years. Before I slept with him I couldn't even imagine being consumed with him again, I couldn't imagine being consumed with anything other than loss. But as wrong as it felt, as misguided, as disrespectful...there was this nagging part of me that wanted more. It was the worst kind of want, like picking at a scab or scratching at a persistent itch.

And the worst part was and always had been that I knew the man he was didn't deserve my obsession. He always took all of what I gave him, drank it in, savored the victory in my falling for him and then promptly spit me out. Our love if that's what it was, was never any kind of blessing just an unstoppable force, like getting hit by a train...multiple times. I suppose a rational person might wonder how someone who wasn't a complete moron could have stayed so long obsessed with a partner that was so awful. And I'd be forced to admit that my bitterness tended cloud over any of his redeeming qualities. He had done things and no matter what I did I couldn't get around knowing he'd done them out of a place of caring. He was shit at expressing himself. He was shit at dealing with his emotions. He was shit at even just carrying on a conversation with me. He had broken my heart and my trust over and over again but I knew with everything in me that if he had to choose between saving my life or his own, he'd save mine rather than his without hesitation. That perception refused to leave me even now, even after all these years. And it was hard to get over feelings as deep as we had, even if there were ugly things that went along with feelings that big. I never lost sight of what feelings so strong could compel you to do to each other or even to bystanders. When he bashed a mans skull in out of love for me I never considered the act a valentine. I knew it was sick, but I also knew he thought he was protecting me.

I knew Brendan was dangerous. I knew all these things about him but it wasn't fear necessarily that repelled me. It felt more like a weariness that kept me from returning his calls. I didn't care if he hit me, he could grind me into dust and I'm not certain it would wound me the way it had years ago. Part of me might welcome the abuse now. But I just didn't feel like loving him or anyone else anymore. It bothered me to feel the heat, and the intensity of what we did together coursing through my veins. It may not have been love but it was something uncomfortably akin to it.

One night after dinner Lee started complaining about bills and Amy being out of work making things more difficult. I'm almost pretty sure my actions that followed were for purely altruistic reasons. Lee and Amy needed help, I would be staying there for a few more months, it made sense to get a job at night to help out. It made total sense to go to my old employer and ask for a temp job. It would be a sure thing for good money. I told myself all these things as I made my way to Chez Chez.

I reached the top of the stairs and the place was dead.

"Hi! Private party tonight, place is closed." a cheery voice called to me from behind the bar. He looked to be a student, perky, and a total twink. He had to have been Brendan's hire he was too much his type not to be. I briefly wondered if Brendan had fucked him yet.

"I'm here to see Brendan."

"Oh well, he's locked in the office...he doesn't want to see anyone..."

"I don't care" I said dismissively as I headed towards the closed office door.

"But...he doesn't want to be disturbed...I'm not supposed to..." his voice getting higher the closer I got to the door. I waved him off and knocked anyway.

Brendan was shouting an angry "What?" before he even opened the door. He was wild eyed and pissed, coming out to ruin whoever who had dared to knocks day...until he saw me. His eyes softened a bit but to be honest not a lot. He stared at me for a few seconds as the twink was chattering on about not being able to stop me and how sorry he was.

"Michael go back to work" Brendan sighed flicking his fingers towards the bar. The barman did as he was told and left us in peace.

"Oh, Michael is it? Let me guess all his friends call him Mikey but you call him Michael...and after hours..." I jabbed at him.

"What, you jealous Steven?" he interrupted with a hint of amusement, as he ushered me into the office. It wasn't that I was jealous exactly. Maybe a little, but mostly I was amused at the pattern I thought I'd spotted. And for a few moments I allowed myself to think I was just one of many skinny young barmen Brendan had taken to bed. It helped me steel myself against him pretending I didn't mean anything to him more than this new lad or any other.

"Whatever...look...I need a favor." I was being unnecessarily short with him. There was no reason for me to be, I was asking him for a favor after all. I should have thoughtfully asked if he could help me out for the sake of Amy and her dear baby; he was a sucker for babies, but I felt like I had to be hard with him now. There had to be a wall between us or he'd take advantage. I could remember a time when I wasn't that way with him, I remembered when we first started up and I was like his little kitten, following him around and looking up to him. It was the briefest period in our relationship, the very first weeks before we ever even kissed when I thought he was cool and put together and the attention he showed me flattered me into an odd submissive state. He was like a cool older brother, and I guess I fancied him even then, though I didn't quite know it yet.

"A favor...fascinating...go on..." his pissy sarcasm shown in the way he spit the word "favor" back at me. I couldn't tell if this was general Brendan bad mood or if I had pissed him off. My not calling him back might have done the trick but then again it could have had nothing at all to do with me. One never knew with Brendan.

"I need a job...short term at night. It's to help out Amy"

"You want your old job back?" he asked puzzled.

"Or whatever would pay alright...you know in a short period of time"

"What do you mean..Steven?" he knew what I was implying, but he asked anyway with his eyebrows arched and lips curled.

"Well...I just mean if you needed help in some of your 'side businesses'...I wouldn't mind...helping out."

"You want to deal drugs...you?"

"Wha...its not like I've never done it before..."

"Oh, you did a spot of drug dealing after juvey, did ye?"

"yeah...what...you want references or something, its not brain surgery...and I didn't ask to deal exactly... if you needed something delivered...I don't know I was just saying..."

"I thought you were above such activity Steven?"

"I was...but funny thing about not having anything to live for... it lowers you standards." It was a mood killer but it was true. I wanted a bit of money to give to Amy, I wasn't picky about how I got it and I didn't give a shit about the consequences.

"You know Warren is still part owner, right? I mean partner in 'side projects' as well..." Brendan said blatantly trying to dissuade me.

"Would've thought you'd gotten rid of him by now"

"Well...financial stuff, and he's well connected...it just worked out this way...plus things are bit more dangerous on that side of things now..."

"So what, I can carry a gun or whatever."

"No." His jaw tensed and his eyes got cold. It was an order, short and direct like you would give to your dog to keep it from pissing on the rug.

"...because I shot Warren? It wasn't a bad shot considering I was new...I mean I hit him." It was no use but I protested anyway. I wanted him to know I wasn't useless, and I could take care of myself but the look in his eye didn't change.

"That's not why...I'm not putting a gun in your hands...end of." He looked past me quiet for awhile. He looked stricken by the mention of a gun and it confused me. I couldn't work out why it would upset him until it dawned on me that the last time I had a gun I put it to my head and pulled the trigger. Not that I had forgotten the event itself, I just had misjudged the weight of it and the affect it had had on Brendan. I assumed time had dulled the impact of the event, but watching him jitter and look away from me proved otherwise.

"Bren...that won't happen again. I wouldn't in front of you like that." I tried to reassure. I almost reached out to touch his hand but I couldn't bring myself to go that far. I should have felt bad at how much he had been affected by what happened but I couldn't muster any sympathy for him.

"in front of me" he repeated with a humorless laugh.

"You know what I mean...and nothing happened anyways...I'm still here" I strained to sound overly upbeat as I smiled and enthusiastically pointed at myself to illustrate my point. I was trying to make light of it but he wasn't amused. Its not that I thought it was something to laugh about or that it wasn't serious because it was. I wanted to die that night and if the gun hadn't been a cheap piece of shit I would be. Brendan knew it and so did I. The topic made us both uncomfortable and we shifted around until he changed the subject.

"That's not the only reason...anyway...I didn't think you were fond of Warren. Why wouldya want to work near him?"

"You say he didn't do it, maybe he didn't do it..." Brendan had planted a lot of doubts in my head about what I thought happened the night of the fire, but I still wasn't completely convinced. I knew for sure though that avoiding Warren and hating him for what happened wasn't going to get me answers. I could hate him forever, but if he didn't do it, what was the point? And if there was maybe something to learn, I was more likely to learn it if I got closer to him.

"You can work the bar again, alright..." Brendan finally consented

" Do you even have a spot available?"

"Can you start tonight?"

"Yeah...I guess."

"Good" he responded. He leaned his head out the door and called the twink barman into the office. He was putting on a show for me as he elaborately sacked the kid in front of me. Ending his show by lightly pushing the dumbfounded kid out the door with a "See ya around, Mikey." He then turned his attentions back to me and stated blankly "A spot just opened up."

I'd been on the receiving end of Brendan's showy dismissals before. Its mean and embarrassing and I should have felt bad for the twink but something in me was turned on by what Brendan had done. Not that I wanted to feel that way, I just did. He'd made this big point to sack a kid I thought he might be fucking to give me my job back and it was immature and weird but I ate it up. I tried not to show any approval, only nodding like I was going over a business proposal despite that I'd already said yes. He saw through me, he knew he had impressed me.

He locked the office door and I knew what that meant. Part of me ached for it, part of me dreaded even the thought of it. He stood quiet at the door looking back at me, assessing me as everyone did these days for a multitude of reasons. I returned his gaze letting my eyes settle on his neck. I randomly wondered how long my hand marks had stayed around his throat after our sex romp last week. I wondered if he had had to explain the red marks to Lynsey or Cheryl and what he would have told them. I almost chuckled thinking of Brendan possibly wearing a scarf for a day or so to cover of up the lingering marks of rough sex with his ex. I was sat on a sofa, a different one from the one that had been there 3 years ago. The whole office was rearranged, still a tiny squatty hole but someone, I suspect Cheryl had spruced it up a bit. I was so busy admiring the décor that I hadn't noticed Brendan was now standing over me. I almost jumped when my eyes met with his intense stare, it wasn't harsh or angry just purposeful. He wasn't smiling, though he never smiled much, not sincerely anyway. He'd smile to intimidate people, or he'd put on this big laugh when he was being a dick but I'd only seen him sincerely smile from pure happiness maybe a handful of times. He was standing directly in front of me, he nudged his knee between my legs prompting me to open them. I was falling under the spell of his over confidence same as I used to years ago. I remembered back then thinking he had some sort of Jedi mind trick for getting me out of my pants. I looked up at him and we held each others gaze as he knelt down in front of me between my legs. He ran his hands up and down my thighs in this rough kneading motion before grabbing at my crotch through my pants. I let out a sigh then somewhat inexplicably shook my head "no". He stopped diddling me but left his hand resting there until I said the actual word "no" aloud.

"Maybe we should just work together...and maybe not do this..." I said haltingly. I had let my hand flop down to rest on my knee. He didn't say anything at first just took his hand away from my cock. He stayed on his knees and then let his forehead rest against my hand. He muttered "ok" low into my hand as he kissed the palm, and then he whispered "ok" again before kissing my wrist. He only lingered a moment longer before he bolted to his feet like a shot and turned away from me. I couldn't tell if he was angry, or embarrassed or both or neither.

X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X

"No, Ste...that is like the worst idea...I mean just the worst..." Amy was a combination of confused and livid the next morning when I told her of my "new" job.

"Stop being a drama queen...it's just a job. I'll serve drinks, get paid then come back here"

"Oh and Brendan had nothing to do with this job idea, ya?" She scrunched her face up at me.

"Only...that I knew he'd give me a job right away...and I wanted to help out around here. What good would going through a long application process have helped...right?"

"Right...and you couldn't have went to Tony? Or even Jack knows you well enough to have helped out but no your first choice was Brendan of all people?" It was uncanny how on the nose she could be. Sometimes I worried she could read my thoughts.

"Ames, I told him it was just a work thing, nothing more." I could barely look her in the eye. I could say whatever but we both knew she was right. I didn't just go there for an easy job. I didn't even know myself what I wanted from Brendan but it was something. I didn't even want to think about it. I just wanted to be there.

"Ste, you know what your resolve is like around him. Seeing him every night..."

"Its not like it was. I'm different. You see that don't you?" I hated that she acted like I was the weak willed boy who cried on her shoulder back then. That wasn't me, what was happening wasn't like that. I wanted badly to tell her how I felt about him now, why I was doing what I was doing but I couldn't. I was drawing a blank.

"Of course I do...but you seeking him out for a job...it just seems like maybe some things haven't changed." She was almost pleading with me. I understood her concern. She thought I was fragile and that he would send me over the edge. I wasn't under his magical spell, he hadn't asked me to do anything or pushed me to do anything.

"Look it's just work...thats it...I'm not going to sleep with him again."

"When you say again?" She knew, she didn't need to ask but she did anyway. And just like back in the day my face confirmed her suspicions further. She opened her mouth like she was about to gasp but no sound came out.

"Ok no, we're not talking about this anymore". I was getting up and leaving the room, and the one good thing about fighting with a bed ridden woman...she can't follow you.

"Ste! Come on...I just don't want you to get hurt. I think your using him to hide from what you're really back here for." she called after me.

"What does that even mean?" I was losing my patience with her.

"You know what I mean. You can't live in the past anymore Ste. It's going to kill you. You have to make peace with Leah and Lucas being gone...you have to. And you know why your going after him. You know its so you don't have to say goodbye properly...so you have something else to distract from that"

"You don't know how I'm feeling. You don't know whats best for me." she had properly pissed me off now. She wasn't the authority on grief. And yes, she was right a good amount of the time when it came to me and sometimes Brendan...but I wasn't who I was in ways she couldn't begin to understand.

"You didn't even go to their funeral." She stated quietly adding "Have you been to their graves since you've been back?" She looked at me with her knowing sorrowful eyes and I wanted to tear out of there, leave her on her own because I couldn't stand to hear anymore.

"You know what Ames, why don't shut up, huh? Don't tell me how to grieve for my fucking kids...I don't..." I couldn't even finish the sentence before I slammed my hand down on a bedside table.

"FINE" she shouted over me before adding more quietly "...fine, do what you want but he's not your family Ste. I'm looking out for you because I love you, because we're family. He will never be good for you, he'll never be family to you, it's not in him."