Time.
In Godric's arms I discover that time is a weird thing. Time for vampires isn't measured in seconds or minutes or hours or days or weeks or months or years. Time is measured in the little things. Time is measured in silence, in the number of breaths that fall across my face, in how long it takes for Godric to pull away. Time is measured in distance. And I expect there to be a wide distance between us when he pulls away, like there always is, but instead I'm very, very, very much happily surprised.
His arms fall loosely around me but he's still so close to me, almost closer than he's ever been. His face has a gentleness that I've never seen before, like he's relaxed for the first time. His smile is out in the open like there are no more locks and I feel so happy because maybe they got unlocked because of me. I try to keep my hands on his middle but my hands feel like they've over-stayed their welcome so reluctantly they drop.
"Shall we continue the walk?" he asks as we pull apart but, for some reason that's so amazing, it's not a complete pull away. I don't know what's keeping us together, because my hands are at my sides and his hands are at his, but maybe it's our eyes that have become locked in the middle. Out of no where I realize that I've been staring so deeply into them like I'm a little fish caught in his big puddle, "Amie?"
I blush brightly and pull my eyes apart finally-which takes a lot of effort. I look back at the pond water and I peak over the railing and that's when I see the railing itself. The railing is really thick, thick enough to walk on and just the thought sounds so cool I'm hooked! I nod my head quickly and look back at him, "Wait! Give me your hand!"
I shout this as I start to push myself up with my left arm but he slows me down with his question, "What are you doing, Amie?"
"Wait!" I exclaim as I take his extended hand and use it to propel me upward onto the railing but in fact I didn't need his help! I didn't even use it! I used my left arm and I felt like a gymnist and it was so cool that I just got up with one move and now I'm standing on the railing like it's nothing. I laugh softly and look at Godric looking up at me with my hand in his and I grin, "I always wanted to do this."
"You have?" he has a tiny little smirk on his face like he did when he was teasing me and it makes me blush all over the place.
I shake my head honestly as my fingers entangle with his, "Not always but still."
He lets out a little chuckle like wind-chimes in a breeze and I giggle with him as we begin to walk, "Does this mean you won't lie to me any longer?"
I nod my head sheepishly as I lift up my left arm to feel the breeze go through me and the dress, "I'm going to make you happy and I know lying makes you sad."
"So I may ask you any question and you will give me an honest answer, always?" the sound of his voice makes me turn my head to look at him. It sounds soft and scared and a little hollow and frightened by the possibility.
"Forever," I say as I try to meet his eyes but he wont let me. He's looking ahead so instead I make the promise with my thumb and his and I rub my thumb against his as I repeat, "Forever."
"Where did you learn to shoot so well?" Godric asks me but I'm a little too caught off-gaurd to answer. Did he really want to know that of all things? I open my mouth to ask that but instead I'm eyes get caught on something else. From my position the water looks like glass or still jello with little things living inside and the grass and the leaves and the flowers and the fishes, it's like I can HEAR them talking. don't really focus on his question. Instead I focus on one foot going in front of the other as I walk along the railing of the bridge we are on and I focus on his hand keeping me balanced although we both know being a vampire makes us very very balanced
I'm so focused on the talking and the way he holds my hand to keep me balanced when in fact we both know that being a vampire makes me very, very balanced anyway that I answer absent-mindedly, "My grandpa was in the army for his whole life so when I was little he taught me. It started with darts and then as I got older bows and arrows and when I turned fourteen he got my mom's permission to take me to the shooting range. He taught me self-defense stuff too and he tried to teach me how to fight but my dad wouldn't let him. He said he didn't want me to be a bully or anything so self-defense was as far as I went."
I start to wobble a little but only because I pay too much attention to the fishes in the water and when I start to catch myself I realize that it feels so much more fun to be between falling into the pond or falling into Godric's arms. I glance over at him and see he has his eyes ahead at the sky, before I used to wonder what was so special about it but with my new sight I see the beauty of all that far away stuff. Godric asks, "What else did he teach you?"
"He taught me how to cook! But my mom never let me try because she said I might burn down the kitchen," I stand on my tippy-toes to see if it makes a difference but it doesn't make much of one, I'm still as comfortable as I would be if I were standing still. "He said he was going to teach me how to dance the waltz but that never happened."
"Because of your sudden departure?" He glances up at me in a way that makes me feel so speacial like he's really listening to me, like he's trying to understand me, and in fact I know he is.
But the turn of the questions is making me sad all over again because I think of my grandpa and how he used to take care of me like Godric does and how he would like Godric but I don't know if he liked vampires or not. I shake my head and look down at the wood I stand on top of, "No...because he died. It was in his sleep and it was peaceful so it wasn't that bad. It in January...it's coming up. We were supposed to go away on vacation for the anniversary to his favorite place. He had a house in California and we used to go every winter for vacation and we were going to go again...we were going to keep up the tradition. I forgot about that."
"Did you..love him?" the way Godric says love reminds me of how he says lover, like he's hardly ever used the word before and he's embarresed to use it. It makes my tummy get all wobbly and it makes me forget that I was crying and it makes me feel bad...like I shouldn't be this nervous when I'm thinking about my grandpa and I'm really, really so sad.
I can't nod my head because my head is filled with how I walked into his room after New Year's with the breakfast said I couldn't make on the tray's he used to bring to me. I was whistling his favorite song, I Only Have Eyes For You by the Flamingos, as I kicked open the door gently with my foot and I couldn't help but to be so excited because it was the first time I had ever cooked by myself. But when I opened the door I saw him sleeping there and I knew he was gone. Everytime I would come through the door he would always wake up, always look up at me, so when I saw him sleeping there the tray slipped through my fingers and I started to cry for help and my dad and my mom ran to me and saw him there and they knew too. I whisper softly, "I love him so much."
I try not to cry anymore but I can't help it because I realize I haven't thought about him since my birthday and I haven't gotten over it, not even a little bit, "What was it that you loved so much?"
"My dad said that when he was in the army he did really, really bad things to people. My dad said he killed over 100 Hundred people and he never felt bad. My dad said he was mean and he was a bully and he used to do horrible things to everyone and no one liked him because he was so mean...but he was so nice to me. He loved me so much and he took care of me so much and he always made me feel important and cared for and he always wanted me around and he always let me know that I was safe and...," my voice catches and I swallow hard on the pain inside my throat and I wipe my eyes quickly, trying to slap away the ugly red because I don't want to think about it.
"And?" Godric's voice is a whisper that dives into my saddness and makes me feel happier again.
But still, he's still gone and if I could I'd keep this part from Godric I would but I promised I'd be honest and leaving even a little part out isn't honesty, "And I think the part that made me love him the most was the fact that he changed."
Change, sometimes I forget about that. He did change. He died when happy. He told me it was the happiest night of his life. He did say that. I look to Godric and can't help but to burst out laughing from his expression. I cover my mouth and try to stop myself but his face is so confused and he looks awkward like he has no idea what to do and it makes me laugh so much because I always love to laugh after I cry and this is a really good reason to laugh. His brows furrow as he looks up at me and he asks, "Why do you laugh, Amie?"
I shake my head quickly as I look at him, trying not to laugh because I know he's really confused and worried about me, "It's you and it's me and I'm sorry. I bet people don't cry in front of you often."
His face turns all red like someone poured in a blush into his cheeks. He turns his face away and tries to drop his hand but I hold onto it tight as he answer, "No. They do not."
I grin softly and drop down onto the bridge and turn around in front of him. It feels so weird to go from being so tall above everything and to no drop down to where I was before but I enjoy it because my drop accidentally made me closer to him. I keep a hold of his hand tightly so that he doesn't let go, something that I know he might want to, and I smile, "They should. You're good to talk to."
"I am?" his brows are furrowed as he looks down at me like he thinks I'm lying but in fact I'm telling the truth. Without his questioning and without his talking and comforting I wouldn't feel as emotionally free as I do now.
I nod as I turn around, "You are."
"Wait," it's my turn to be confused. I wait paused between turning forward and turning backward with my eyes stuck on him, waiting for the next command. Instead of a command though, I get a really blush-inspiring question, "Would you still be interested in learning the Waltz?"
My face opens wide, my mouth, my eyes, even my nostril's, as I exclaim," Yes! Please!"
He laughs his little laugh that sounds old and hardly used but I'm way too excited to be embarresed by my reaction. In his vampire quickness he lifts up my right hand and drags it because it's made out of noodle at our shoulder length as he shifts the positioning of our hold. His left hand comes around my waist and holds me up tightly and firmly as if he's never ever going to let go and all I can do is weakly lift up my left arm to his shoulder. He has his little teasing smile as he whispers, "Close your eyes, Amie, and for this instance allow yourself to release the hold you have created over your body and its needs. Once you have freed yourself you will find it very easy to follow my actions like a puppet to the hand controlling it. Before you are aware of it, you will find that you are dancing."
I follow his instructions as soon as the last word comes out of his mouth. I close my eyes tightly and try to clear my mind but really all I can focus on is Godric moving me this way and that and my body tripping over his feet and I'm thinking about how it would be no different with my Grandpa teaching me because I'm a very bad dancer and a very slow learner. But maybe...I grin to myself and before he can ask why I hop up onto the top of his feet and let him move me around. I know that it's cheating but being on his feet makes us so close I can feel the words he doesn't say dance along my lips and maybe he can feel the words I don't say fall across his. I love you is what I want to say. Thank you so much I want to say too but I feel like saying one before the other would cancel the second thing out. Like he'll think I'm saying I love him because I'm so thankful or he'll think I'm pretending to be thankful because I love him. But I don't want to think about that. Maybe if I say thank you now though, he'll know I mean it when I say I love you later.
I begin to open my mouth to say I don't feel like I can follow his actions but before I do he steps back and my feet fall off of his and suddenly I feel a pull that makes me move forward. My legs take action quickly and then my torso and then my chest and every part of me and it's so weird. It feels like...like there's invisible ribbon that someone tied around our wrists and our waists and our ankles that doesn't allow us to be too far apart. It's like he's a magnet and I'm a group of nails or metal pins or something that follows around like a puppy dog trying to jump into the air. It's so subtle and so discreet but it moves me to my core and keeps me attached to him so much to the point that I'm dancing, really dancing! and I wonder if this is why I always know where he is even when he surprises me. Is this the connection he was talking about, is this the pull that keeps our emotions connected?
"You are a natural," he comments and I can hear the smile on his face before I open my eyes to see it. I look down at us and see that it's true, I'm dancing the waltz at a skill even to Godric's and from what I see we look great!
"I have a good partner," I reply absent-mindedly but when I look up I see his face is flushed again as if I said something silly like he is the most handsome man I've ever seen in the world and I've seen a lot of boys.
"I beg to differ," is all that manages to come out of his mouth and the way his mouth moves to get these words out is so adorable that before I can react my body leans up to kiss him but thankful he has suddenly spun us around in a way that gets me back into my right state of mind. He asks now, "Amie, I have been meaning to bring up a subject that you may find of great annoyance."
"But Godric, I don't think anything you say is...annoying," I say as he lets go of me and guides me into a little spin that makes my dress fly up and look like a whirl pool of sparkles!
"It is concerning your educa-"
"Godric!" I groan as I return to his hold. My education? "But I'm a vampire now Godric! Doesn't that mean I don't have to be educated anymore?"
"On the contrary, Amie, it is the exact opposite. You must learn even more now than you were ever expected to because of your extraordinary capacity to retain information. You might find it difficult to fathom but trust me, an educated vampire is far more respected than one that is ignorant,"he explains with so much amusement like I'm a little child that's refusing to go to bed.
"But Godric, I bet no othe vampire has to further their education," I continue to protest, making my actions sluggish and slow while his are still on point.
"Most vampires have been turned at an age in which the schooling of their time has been complete. Most vampires have actually been turned when there was no establishment of teaching but I do promise they all have continued their learning at one point or another. Isabel attends a college once every Century while Stan has the habit of becoming fixated on various activities and spending years understanding every detail that pertains to the subject he has become interested in. He is most interested in fighting techniques, every decade he dedicates to a new one. I even forced Eric to pursue an interest in some form of schooling after 500 years and he decided upon business as well as other subjects. It all becomes very easy once you find one that fills you with a passion and yurning for fufillment," he must have known my resistance would fall with just one word, that's why he decided to drown me in the way his voice gets so lively and excited so that I wont protest a second longer.
But there was something terrifying in his explanation. He said the name Eric again and for some reason that name scares me a whole lot in a way that I don't understand. I look up at Godric and feel my eyes start to get blurry but I can't understand why just yet but maybe it's because I'm afraid to ask the question as soon as the words leave my mouth, "Who's Eric?"
"Eric is my first child, Eric is my other progeny."
Other progeny? Now I know why I'm so afraid. Other progeny, 500 years old, "How old is he?"
"He is one thousand years of age."
One thousand. That means he's been with Godric one thousand years longer than I have. That means that he's the favorite. That means no matter how much I can convince Godric to love me he will always love this Godric so much more. That means that he will always choose him above me and that he will always care for him more and that means that he's better than me because he must be tall and he's one thousand years strong and he must be able to take care of Godric better than I can or ever will and that means...I don't know but suddenly I feel so sad like I'll never ever be able to live up to him, "Where is he?"
"He is currently a Sheriff in the state of Louisiana where he and his own progeny Pam run a business by the name of Fangtasia."
"He runs a business?" I ask and for some reason my voice starts to crack and before I know it I start crying and I dig my face into Godric's chest and I wrap my arms around him so that he doesn't escape and run to Eric because he must be more fun and even more smart because he has his own business and he's responsible enough to have his own child and I'm not good enough to do anything, "You love him more than me don't you?!"
"Amie! Stop this at once! There is no excuse for your behavior and there is no justification for your reasoning and I will not give that ridiculous notion and more acknowledgement. Release me at once," his voice is so harsh and angry and that makes me cry more because I've upset him and I can't let go now!
"How can I make you love me when he's so much better?!" I cry and the more I cry the more ridiculous I feel because this Eric has had over one thousand years to make Godric love him and so he deserves his love and all the reasoning makes me cry because I'm so foolish and stupid.
Something happens and Godric seems to slump down and deflate and that scares me so much because what if he's hurt! I pull back to look up at him and I see his face is still and weak and he looks so hurt when he asks, "With all that we have discussed in our with one another, with all that I have given you? Do you really believe you must convince me to care for you?"
He looks so sad and he looks so hurt and I can feel inside my chest that he's mad at himself and it's such a painful feeling and I feel so stupid for making him feel that way and I have to explain it to him! I wrap my arms around his neck and hug him tight and I shake my head quickly, "No! Godric! The problem is that I can't believe it! A-And I feel like I don't deserve it and I can't believe that someone like you, someone so good and so nice and so sweet and so wonderful and so powerful and so grand and so handsome and so," his arms go around me, "everything under-the-sun, can even think twice about someone like me and I just want you to love me like I love you so and I'm scared that you've already given all of your love to someone else!"
For some reason I'm still crying although I feel a million times better having all the crazy emotions I've been feeling out in the air and explained. Before, for those five seconds before I went coo-coo, I felt like a crazy ball of psycho but now I feel real...like I'm not possessed by some emotion demon that wants me to go nuts all over the place. And having his arms around me makes me feel even more like a real person and not like a crazy nut job. There's the measurable silence again that feels like infinity building up to say something but I don't want him to speak. I want to stay quiet forever in this little moment but he does speak, "I fear that you may never understand the depth of my devotion until you yourself have your first child. There is no such thing as caring more or less, those are simply illusions of the limited human mind. My blood is in you, Amie, and that is all. No matter how far you go or where you run I will always...care for you as strongly as I do in this moment. And just how strong that is you will never know."
His words are reassuring but he was going to say love and he asked me to be his lover and there has been nothing yet and all of that raises a question in me that hurts so bad it has to come out. I don't pull my face away from the embrace but timidly I peak my eyes upward and ask the question in the tiniest voice I have, "Godric...do you love me..really love me? As in...more than a child...and more than a progeny?"
Before my last word is completed he pulls away and angrily snaps, "I grow tired of this discussion and will have no more of it. When you have rid your mind of its incessant compulsion to disregard important matters for childlike notions you may find me in my study. Until then there is a library and I suggest you make good use of it."
And then he disappears with his fastness off the bridge and the door shuts behind him so loud like he meant to slam it on purpose but I'm not sad. I'm furious. I'm so angry by his reaction because and his stupid face and his stupid niceness and his stupid comforting and his stupid teasing and his stupid mixing up of everything and his stupid need to run away and stupid Eric that is one thousand years better than me and everything else that is so stupid and infuriating I can't understand. I want to yell and scream at Godric but I know I can't do that so instead I decide to get back in a secret way that will give me satisfaction and him only a little displeasure.
I jump into the pond water with a big splash that hits all the windows and I dive down real deep and cover myself with all the wet mud from deep down bellow and get as dirty as I can because the water and the mud just flies away like it's too afraid to get on me but I tell it that it's okay, I want to be dirty, and then it starts to listen and everything gets on me and my beautiful dress. I jump out of the water and land on the bridge and when I know I'm all dirty and wet I stomp off the bridge in slow human pace and stomp all around the house until I find the library he mentioned. I'm happy because the floor and where ever there is carpet is all diry and messy and gross and even I look messy and gross and I look at the big room filled with a large table to sit at and all the books that lines the walls on shelves I think I can get him more upset by reading it all before he can make me.
But half way through the books I realize something awful. I'm not going to be mad at Godric forever. And when we do make up I'll want to read the books he wants me to and better yet I'll want us to read together. And even if he doesn't love me like I love him and even if he never loves me at all...I'll still want him to read to me sometimes. I'll still want him to explain things I already understand. I can't have that closeness if I've read all the books in the library. I can't have anything if beaten him to it.
So I shut Brave New World and I leave it on the table next to the sloppy pile of books I've gone through and I decide that I should wash up so I don't mess up my bed...but then...I'm still terribly upset with him because he doesn't love me and he said When you have rid your mind of its incessant compulsion to disregard important matters for childlike notions you may find me in my study and I haven't rid the idea that love is the most important matter...I might as well make a mess of one more thing but I'm not sure if I want to make a mess of the bathroom or my bedroom...maybe I won't touch those but I'll sleep on the coffee table like I used to when I was a kid! That used to do the trick with my parents, maybe that will work for him too!
I run to the livingroom and curl up on the coffee table even though my bed time is still a few hours away. In my experience the longer on the table, the more effective it is. So I wait on the table with my arms around myself and slowly fall asleep.
