* Bioware owns all characters :'(
*Um...I wanted to concentrate on the blasted wonderful elf, but nope. This chapter just kind of got away from me. Next chapter I promise...all the elf your heart desires. :D
"So you came by yourself?" Anders' hushed voice came out with a hint of jealousy. Startling her from the images that were flashing through her head. One particular one she liked involved the elf, her, and a rope that bound her wrists to his bed. The elf was running his hands over her ample mounds of flesh that responded by showing him hardened nipples. He chuckled, the deep rumble on his chest making Hawke smile. Yet another time she'd made him laugh. The elf opened his mouth coming closer to her...teasing her as he made to enclose his mouth over her breast. Instead, he licked his index finger looking up at Hawke. Her response making his hunger for her rise. He ran it slowly over her nipple. Only to follow by exhaling softly to let her enjoy the difference between cold and hot. The whimper she made drove him completely mad. With a groan he finally decided to stop teasing her…opening his mouth to enclose her nipple…he was just over it… about to close… Her head was about to explode with the anticipation…she was about to feel his tongue on her…
"He could have killed you Hawke!"
Hawke groaned as the image she was trying to hold on to slipped away from her. "I'm alive aren't I Anders?"
"Did you enjoy your talk with the handsome elf?" Anders spat the words.
"Hey! Say it, don't spray it!" Hawke laughed whole-heartedly as Anders looked both infuriated and royally confused.
"What is going on with you?" He demanded, grabbing her shoulder, twisting her around so she could face him. He realized he might be hurting her, but it didn't matter: something was off. She hadn't been herself since this morning. Since she'd told him they were playing a game. He chose to brush it off at the Hanged Man, because if he did, then he could happily participate in the game. But now, now that she'd decided to flirt with someone else…now it was time to be worried. "Why are you like this?"
"Like what?"
"A common whore, Hawke!" The hurt in Hawke's face was enough to shatter his heart to a million pieces, but he knew it was the truth. Before today, she hadn't even glimpsed in the direction of a single man. Today she had begged for his touch only to follow that act by flirting with an elf! Hawke pulled roughly away from him and took a few steps away from him. What have I done? Anders thought. She has every right to turn away now and never speak to me. But she was Hawke. The new Hawke, and that Hawke would never just walk away. Before today, she would have stormed off. She would have seethed in anger only to return the following day and pretend nothing had occurred. She avoided feelings as much as she could. But no! Not today. Not anymore.
"Walk with me Anders." Hawke turned around walking slowly, waiting for Anders to catch up to her. When she heard the soft footfalls that could only be Anders', she began her story.
"Now, I may not be as fluid with words like you or Varric, but if you listen then you'll understand." Hawke took a deep breath both to steady her nerves and to let Anders know that this was too hard to repeat.
"Today marks the day my brother Carver fell to a blighted ogre. He was a fool…always thought he could handle more than what he actually could." Hawke broke off laughing like a madwoman. Those kinds that you find are walking down the street talking to themselves. Anders wanted to intervene but knew if he did, Hawke would probably stop. "I remember there was this girl he was madly in love with. She was rare cause she had these purple eyes. Ha! Purple eyes! Bethany kept telling him that she'd made a deal with a desire demon only to change her eye color…" Hawke stopped not able to control her laughter. "Turns out….that…..she…had.." Anders didn't know why but he laughed along with her. Who would make a deal for an eye color change? And why would this be funny?
"Anyways…. Carver went up to her because he thought he could handle her…you know what she said to him?" Anders shook his head too afraid to speak for fear that she might stop. "She told him that her eyes were far too precious to land on him. That's when I realized the only thing she ever looked at was the sky. So Carver, being the idiot he was, said: Well I think I'm prettier than the sky and she went bonkers! She pushed him, making him fall down, and his hand went through this pole that had been broken and was sticking out of the ground. Bethany did her best to heal him but a scar remained. At night, I would see him kissing his own hand…" The laughter began again. "The scar was now the girl with the purple eyes. If he couldn't kiss the girl, he'd kiss his hand." She walked on silent for a while. The difference between her laughing fit and her seriousness now, was light and day.
"It wasn't a funny story was it Anders?" Anders wanted to shake his head to signal that it wasn't, but decided not to. The smile that lingered on her lips let him know that she already knew his answer. "That's how its been Anders. All of the memories that I have of him are so intense. The emotions that arise in me now seem to be multiplied by a thousand. I can't control myself Anders. The tears flow when no one is around. I lost him Anders. I lost my little brother. My mother still looks at me with these eyes…these eyes that hold accusation." Anders wanted to comfort her to envelop her in his arms…to provide a safe haven. The moisture in her eyes pushed this thought away however. The last time Isabela had tried to hug Hawke when she was crying resulted in a brand new scar for the Rivaini. "So what if I embraced them?" Hawke asked simply.
"Your emotions Hawke?" Anders asked confused.
"Yep. Those things. What if I actually showed them?"
"Like you showed them this morning?" Anders asked. His heart threatening to fly out of his chest, never to return again.
"Right…about that. I'm sorry I …"
"No Hawke. Not today. How about you give your emotions a break? It appears they've worked harder today than they have in a while." The statement was filled with both truthfulness and immense kindness.
Anders had a way with words, no doubt. He was giving her time to decide what it meant, and she was thankful for it. Anders walked Hawke to her uncle's house, wished her a good night, and walked back to his clinic. He didn't want to linger on his own emotions at the moment. If Hawke was bringing her emotions into the equation, then he could take his out (at least for today). He didn't want to feel the sadness that crept into him whenever Hawke left. Today, Hawke had certainly been different. From her story, he had understood that beneath her facade a lonely and scared girl resided. He'd never understood why she didn't want a man in her life, but now it all made sense. Those things as she had called them were foreign to her, because she wanted them to be foreign. So, she'd finally evolved...finally decided to embrace them. Now all that worried Anders was...where did he fit in her emotions? And where did that blasted elf fit?
You're just a game. Justice's voice override any emotions that Anders had at the moment. He slumped down on a cot, in his clinic, defeated.
I'm more than that. Anders rocked himself to sleep with his newly found lullaby.
