I would like to first shout out to all the support of everyone who has been reading and sending me more and more encouragement. You guys have no idea how great it feels to know everyone can relate to what your feeling and to know that people appreciate what you have to say. I'd like to say thanks for all your continued support and thanks for tollerating me this long lol. This chapter is a very deep one to me because lately I have been having issues with my father and I just needed an outlet to let this out. What I mention about my parents divorce is true and all I have to say is I am perfeclty fine and over it, though you'll see perhaps others aren't. I hope people can relate and sympathize with what I have to say, but I am in no way looking for pity. I guess I'll just have to wait and see what people say. I suppose writing this story, certain songs seems to pop into my mind and I must say, this chapter screams the song ' Crash and Burn' by Savage Garden. A truly great song that is very dear to me and a group that is simply spectatular. If you wanna know what I mean, get the song and play it while reading this chapter. You'll see. Well, I have been ranting long enough and no one came to hear me talk. You came to read! So on with the story! Thanks once more and on with the show! Luv ya!

I don't own Sailor Moon.

Remember When It Rained

By: Rini

Chapter 7: Crash and Burn

It funny how life twists and turns and never stays the same for too long. One moment you're sitting in a room filled with sunlight and fresh flowers, but in the next, it's winter and all the flowers have died. The roads that lie at our feet never go straight, for if they did; life wouldn't be as whole and complete. It's in those bends and unexpected changes that we find the completeness we long for.

I was simply outside in the rain, and the next thing I know I'm being held and kissed by a man I've dreamt about for years. It seems in one second, life was simple and quiet. I was just a girl no one saw who lived in the shadows of other's expectations. Now I'm bathed in golden light for the entire world to touch and see. It's a shock to my system. I feel like I'm flying, but I know strong arms are protecting me.

Like they are right now.

Darien smiled and tugged on my arm to take me inside. He wrapped one arm around my waist and pulled me close to him. I rested my head for a moment on his chest. I could hear his heart beating, steady and constant, never going too fast. I put my hand and placed it over my heart. Both of our hearts were moving at the same time together, in the same pace.

Darien was walking towards our stairs. I wasn't sure if he was going to take me to my room or go into my brothers. He was never in my room and, in that instant, I was too afraid to take him up there. My room was my sacred sanctuary that no one crossed into, whether it was Darien or not. I wasn't ready to give that piece of me away yet.

I let go of his hand and his head shot back at me. I tried my best to smile, but my body was too cold and wet and I felt my teeth chatter softly. So, without a word, I walked into the bathroom and got 2 white fuzzy towels. I walked over to Darien and handed him one, but he managed to wrap it tightly around my petite form and kiss my nose. He took the last one and laid it loosely over his shoulders.

We still had not spoken a word with each other since we got in the house. He got 2 mugs out of the cabinent and proceeded to boil water over the stove. I watched as he moved from place to place. It was so fluid and easy. It seemed that he lived in this house with us all along, like there was never a time when he was never there. It was like he was with me in our own little house.

Home.

So that's what it feels like to be home.

I held the towel tighter to me as I felt a suddenly chill run down my back. This was all wrong. What would I ever say to him? Oh Darien, I've dreamed of kissing you for so long. I've dreamed of nothing but you and now I finally have you to myself. How pathetic was I? There was no way I could tell him the depth of my emotions for him.

Suddenly, I felt my naïve fears take over me. I had never been with a guy before, let alone long enough to ever do anything with him. The kiss with Darien, although sweet and innocent, was the only real kiss I had ever had. I was never one to run off with guys and somehow it was all coming back to haunt me.

I felt like a weak little child in that moment. Self doubt and worry overtook my mind and the need to run to my room to be alone was overwhelming. How could I face him like this? He had many girlfriends, all of which had boyfriends before him. They had experience, where I had none.

It was too hard watching him move around the kitchen. I walked into the living room and sat down by the window on a chair, large enough for one but made for a couple. I looked outside and noticed the rain never faltered, seemed a little stronger now. It made me shiver even more.

" Still cold? I can sit and keep you warm," a soft voice said.

I turned and saw Darien with two cups of warm dark liquid, which I assumed to be hot chocolate from my secret stash. I rested my head on top of my knees and let the towel hang loosely over my back and shoulders.

" I'm fine," I replied.

Darien placed the two mugs on the coffee table," You really like the rain."

" It's cleansing."

" What do you mean?"

" It's like tears raining down from heaven. They touch you and you can't help but feel free of all strings. The ties that bind you to your pain and sorrow. It's like your walking on water."

" Is that why you were out there? To be free?"

I sighed," I'm never going to be free."

Darien frowned," What would ever make you say that?"

I lifted my head and looked out the window," The rain falls on the glass of the window. It can't help moving down, it has no choice. It's how gravity works. It can't decide if it wants to stay there, but it can decide how it falls. It can turn and twist any which way and fall as fast as it wants. But there's one thing it can't do, one truth it can't escape. It can't choose where it wants to end up, it just gets there."

Darien sat thoughtful for a moment," Is that how you feel? You feel you're going into something you don't want?"

I leaned back in the chair," I think I've always been pulled in a new direction. One shift change to the next. What's worse is, I feel like I'm on the outside looking in, like I'm watching myself move but unable to stop me."

" Why are you moving then if you're not happy?"

I stared back at Darien, I felt my eyes already glisten with unshed tears, "Because it's not me moving. It's everyone else pushing me."

" Why would they push you?"

I started to laugh softly," Now you said like a psychiatrist. Should I sit on the couch?"

Darien forced a small smile," I'm just trying to find out what the real you is like. It seems I've missed quite a bit."

" You haven't even cracked the surface," I said looking away, perhaps a little to quickly.

" Then why are you so afraid to tell me? Why do you insist on keeping everything in?" he asked breathlessly, "I think by now I would have gone crazy."

" That's the difference between me and you. You don't have to worry about the things I do. You don't need to cope with what I have to. I cope with things the best way I know how. It's my pain, my problems. No one else's. I have to deal with things on my own because in the end, I am alone."

" Is that what you really think? That you're really alone?"

" A lot of the time I do. When I'm with some of my friends, I feel like I'm free, but it doesn't last long. Somehow the shadow just comes right back and I'm left in the dark again. Then my family," I laughed," With the exception of Chris sometimes, I feel like I'm even more alone then ever before."

Darien was silent for a moment, only the splattering of the rain on the glass the only sound.

" Is it about your mother?"

That one question was like a knife in the chest. I almost expected to look down and see my chest covered in the dark sticky liquid. I closed my eyes, a sharp intake of breath, and let a stray tear fall down.

" You never talk about her since it all happened," Darien began slowly," You're Dad talks about it sometimes when it happens to sneak in. Your brother never says her name unless he's making fun of their family. You just never seem to say a thing. You stay quiet and your eyes get darker, like your not seeing us anymore. Why don't you even say her name? Don't you miss her?"

" No," I said rather rudely and quickly," I don't miss her and I never will."

" How can you be so sure?"

I stood up, rage and pain evident in my eyes as in my voice," Could you forgive her for what she did? You know what happened as much as I do. You know the story. How can you ever forgive a person like that? How could anyone ever look into those eyes and still feel the same?"

I stood there, raw and exposed. I felt the tears trickle down.

Rule #1: Never let them see you cry.

Rule #2: Never let them inside.

Darien stood up quickly and held me tightly. I leaned against his chest and felt the angry sobs rise in my throat. There was no point holding back anymore. It was rising to the surface, like a pot of boiling water, overflowing past the rim.

Darien held my tightly around my waist and raised an unsteady hand to stroke through my hair. He pulled me towards the chair I was sitting at previously. He sat down and clutched me tightly to his chest; my tears dampening his already soaked shirt.

He whispered soft things in my ear, but I couldn't hear them through the sobs that racked my body. This was it. No turning back. He was already submersed in my world, drowning in the dark shadowy waters. I only prayed he could swim.

My body finally stopped crying, shedding more tears than I thought possible.

" You don't have to say anymore. You've already been through a rough time. Like you said, it seems I hardly know you. I would hate for you to feel any worse," Darien whispered into the darkness that was slowly creeping into the room.

I pushed him away at arm's length. I stared down at the ground for a moment. I felt my resolve harden. If he really wanted to know me, then he'd have to hear me out, from start to finish. If he wanted to be a part of my world, then he had to have all of it. I wasn't going to settle for just letting him see the good things and not knowing the bad. If he was being serious, he'd see everything. The Good. The Bad. The Ugly.

I looked up at his face and noticed that even in the dark, his eyes were still as bright as ever. They were like two pools of stars that refused to be covered up simply by the dark. I tried my best to smile and let my arms drop.

" You asked," I started a little unsteady," to know the real me. You want to know the real Serena? Then you'll have to sit and hear it all, from good to bad to worse. I can't just let someone in if all they want is some pretty little girl who just smiles and goes on living."

I studied his face that I knew perfectly even closer. I was waiting for him to mouth that it wasn't worth it and walk out the door and never come back. I half expected it actually. But, I suppose people continue to surprise me because he grabbed my hands and smiled.

" Nothing would make me happier than to sit here and know more about you," Darien said with an even broader smile.

I took a deep breath," Then we'll do this the right way. My way."

Darien chuckled and let my hands go. I couldn't help but smirk at his reaction. It was already late in the evening and the storm clouds covered all possible light from outside. So, I walked around the room and lit the multitude of candles I insisted my father buy. Soon, candles of every size and color around the room were lit and bathing everything in a hazy glow.

Darien laid down on the couch and stretched out, draping a blanket over his legs and rested his head on his arm. I was sitting on the easy chair by the window again and discarded the towel in exchange for a dark blue blanket I loved to cuddle with. I wanted this as comfortable and familiar as possible so I would be ready for whatever he asked me.

" So what do you want to know?" I asked.

" I want to know why you don't talk about your mom. I want to know how you feel about it, about everything that happened," Darien said slowly, as though trying to find the right words.

I took a deep breath and leaned back, watching the flame of a candle on the coffee table in-between dance to and fro.

" It's been about 2 years since I've seen her, even longer since I've talked to her. I guess there's just this sense in people, maybe just kids in a marriage, that just knows when everything is unraveling. It's kinda like a deep feeling in your heart that just snaps, like a thread, and you just see that the end is already there. I suppose I knew it long before my father did, even before the whole mess began.

She moved out at the end of the summer. It was such a surreal thing watching her just pack up everything she had. It was like I was trying to deny what I knew already just for one moment so I could believe everything was going to work out. She stood there in front of me, tears spilling down her cheeks, ready to go. She only moved about 10 minutes away to live with her sister, but it might as well have been miles away. That's how I knew."

" Knew what?"

" That this was the last time I could ever call her my mom again and that we would all still be a family."

" But you still saw her then."

" She came every day for hours on end and we would go out like nothing ever happened. The only difference was that she left late at night to go home to bed. She was everything a mother was, except she wasn't there at the end of the day. Everything was still the same, but there was this underlining feeling. It was like walking on eggshells. As long as you didn't mention it, everything was going to be alright."

" It didn't last like that did it? That familiar feeling didn't stay."

" It all came apart very slowly, but it took up speed as it went. It was like we were all on train tracks, heading in one direction at a steady speed, but then it just got faster and faster until the train fell apart and hit that wall dead on. All you could do was sit and watch as the end came closer and closer.

It was subtle at first. She came less and less. There were fewer calls until there were none at all. She would take me out for fewer and fewer hours. She'd come a couple times a week and disappear at night so you couldn't reach her. Fights with her family started until they started insulting Chris and me. Things just went from bad to worse. They'd get a lot worse first though.

Soon, I wasn't allowed to talk to their side of the family. Not that I would want to after what they said about me. I only ever helped them and loved them, yet that doesn't add up to anything once you start choosing sides. I knew I would never lead a stable life with my mother, besides the fact that I loved my father too much to leave him behind. I knew I'd have a better life here, with the people who cared about me whether it was convienent or not.

Skeletons came out of the closet. Secrets buried for decades came out. No one was left untouched, untarnished. I couldn't look at anyone without seeing the sins they carried. It was like everything you ever trusted about people was shattered. It was hard, but you had to look past all that to see the real person behind it all. The truth is that no body is perfect, we all make mistakes. It was unfair of them to drag out everyone else's imperfections without including your own.

Then we found out what I guess I knew all along, which would explain why I really wasn't surprised. My mom had a boyfriend, two in fact. She was with one, but that didn't pan out and she had another. One who we all knew. So that only added fuel to the fire.

A year later and the mess was still there. My parents had gone to court more times then I dared to count. Things were still far from settled. It had to have been at least 6 months since I had talked to her. I would look at her and not even recognize the person she had become. She was always made up and looked gorgeous. Now she looked dull and lifeless. Her blonde hair was no longer shiny and neat. Her clothes were no longer sexy and pressed. Her face looked aged and bent, a far cry from the young woman she was. She was a whole new person, which didn't include being a mother to two children.

Then the end came, only without the usual fireworks they had come accustomed to. I sat in the courtroom reception room just outside with my brother, tired of being dragged to court dates and just waiting for it to be over already. So, just as subtle as it started, it ended.

My dad was going to get money from his accident that my mom swore she wouldn't touch. But, greed begets greed. In exchange for sighing all rights to my brother and myself away for life, she would get all the money. She took it without a second thought. Just like that, she threw us away for a check."

" You weren't that surprised, were you?"

" Not entirely. I already knew she wasn't the same person from before, so why would she act like she was. I figured she was never going to give us the time of day after this any way. Still, it hurt to be just tossed a side like that. At least I know I have a price tag on my head," I said bitterly.

" Don't you ever think about her? I mean, don't you wonder what it would be like to have her here with you to take you out some where?"

" Not really. I don't think of her unless someone brings her up, even then I don't. I guess I've grown used to the fact of her not being here. I like being the only girl in the house, although it brings on more unneeded stress then necessary. I have accepted that she isn't here to help me do my hair, to pick out clothes in stores. I've accepted that she will never see me get married and that she will never be a part of my children's lives. I've accepted it and it doesn't bother me in the least."

" But?"

" But what does bother me is that my dad can't seem to let it go. I'm sure you've seen how he brings her up all the time and talks about how bad she was, yet I can't help but think that she couldn't have been that bad if you loved her for over 20 years. Apparently, it wasn't always so horrible.

Still, I think he can never let it go. He left too much unsaid; too much said in anger that will hang over his head forever. I think he regrets how things turned out and then imprints those anger and frustrations on Chris and myself, more or less on me since I'm a girl. I think he imprints her problems she caused on me and blames me for more things than he realizes."

" He does seem to center on you anymore, that much I noticed."

" He's always pushing me, pushing to the point where I don't think I can stand anymore. I feel he puts the weight of the world on my shoulders and expects me to just keep going. He expects me to be this genius that I'm clearly not. He wants me to be more. More intelligent. More athletic. More outgoing. It's like what I am isn't enough."

" You do realize he loves you very much, don't you?"

" I know he does, and I try to tell myself he does. Yet, it's hard to know when he pushes so hard. Sometimes I wonder if I just excelled at everything and became what he wanted of me if he would really be happy or criticize it more and say I'm still not good enough. Sometimes I just think if I could just be what he wanted for even one moment if he would let me go and live my life the way I want to live it.

I feel like I'm stretched beyond repair. I don't feel like me any more. I don't feel like the carefree Serena I used to be. I feel like I've aged a hundred years. It's like I don't even recognize myself in the mirror anymore."

" Why haven't you ever told him that he's pushing you too hard?"

" I've tried, but it only produces a huge scene and a huge fight which leads me to hang my head and do it anyway. Even if I fight tooth and nail, I can never win. That's just how it seems to be. I'm stuck in a dead end with walls built around it. Do you have any idea what it feels like to be stuck in a constant prison? Any clue as to how it feels to be like a caged bird, only allowed to see life through bars?"

I leaned back and sighed. It was hard to admit all this, but the weight lifting up was almost unreal. I didn't know what it felt like anymore to not carry a burden around. I had no idea just letting go could be so liberating.

" Some times I dream about escaping, just spreading my wings and flying out of the cage. But then I remember, that however bad it gets here, other people have it infinitely worse. Things could always be worse, but they aren't. I just have to grin and bare it for a little longer. Then I really will be free. No more bars. No more cages. Just clear blue skies and star filled nights. That is what keeps me going. The chance at freedom."

I smiled at that thought. I leaned my head back and closed my eyes, letting the word slip past my lips once more. Freedom. It was what I wanted more than anything in this world. It was what I strove to achieve. It was my deepest wish, a wish hidden behind years of anger, pain, and resentment.

" I know my life doesn't seem so horrible. I'm spoiled to the point where I get anything I want. I have everything any person in the right mind could ever want or need. Yet I laugh sometimes because my dad, even Chris, can't name one correct thing about me. They don't know what I like. They don't know whom I hang out with. They don't know how I act, what I think, and they sure as hell can't describe me to other people. It's ironic how the person who tries to push me the most saying he knows what's best for me and he doesn't even know me."

I laughed and turned to face Darien, who had a concerned look on his face," Yet you can't name one thing about me either. Which leads me to my own question. Why do you care so much now? Was it because I got all dressed up for you or did you actually take a genuine liking to me?"

Darien

I sat up and slid my legs out from under the blanket and arched them up, my back still resting against the back of the couch.

" I don't know what it was that made me come back. Maybe it was the desire to know more about this elusive girl I've seen for 3 years. Maybe it was an underlying thing to know why this girl, the only girl, had never thrown herself at me. Maybe I'll never truly know, but I do know one thing. I know what made me think about you nonstop to the point where I needed to go to you and hold you in my arms."

Serena held her head to the side and looked confused, although anticipating, to know the reason.

I laughed," It was oddly enough the day I caught you singing in the kitchen."

Serena's eyes went wide and she turned her head, trying to hide the creeping blush staining her cheeks.

" I stood out on your porch just thinking it was another ordinary day, but then it all changed completely. I stood there on your porch watching you sing. Your voice was like an angel, unlike anything I had ever heard before. You moved around with a grace I would never have given you credit for. You sang with more passion than I thought you possible of. You were singing out to someone, hoping it would carry your message to him.

I guess I was amazed at first. I was totally mystified that you had that in you. I was just amazed, breathless even. I had never seen you so free and uninhibited before. You looked like you were truly happy, like nothing in the world could ever bring you down. You were free if even for that one moment, and it brought a smile to my face.

But my smile faded. I knew you were singing to someone. For whatever reason, it bothered me more than anything in this world to know that someone else was getting this attention, this great gift that was your voice. It was like this anger just started to grow inside of me and I felt like no one else should ever have your attention except for myself. I grew jealous, but for seemingly no reason.

But it was tonight that really clinched it. I saw deep inside of you that no one else ever saw. I believe for one moment, out in the rain, I saw the real Serena. The Serena you keep closely guarded away from other people, but bare and exposed before me. It was like waking up from the most perfect dream I had ever had, but realized it was never really a dream. That you were really here, and you were really standing in the rain with me. "

I pat the spot right next to me and motioned for Serena to come over. She slowly stood up and convulsively gripped the blanket tighter around her. I couldn't help but smile at the small scared gesture. She took very slow, cautious steps towards the couch and stood there, her eyes hooded as she kept her head to the side.

I stood up and tipped her chin up in front of me. Her so blue eyes soaked in all the fire from the candles and sparked with a fire that was in her eyes all along. I slid the blanket off her shoulders and let it fall down to the floor in a small rustle. I pulled her closer into my arms and gently kissed her lips.

" You don't have to hide anymore. I'll be there with you from now on. You never have to be alone again. You're like a light that's fallen into my dark closed world. You never have to be afraid anymore. I'll be there to catch you. Always."

She slowly rested her head against my shoulder and I was content to just holding her. I felt her relax more and more against me until I noticed her slow breathing against my stomach and chest. It must have been late and she had had such a long tiring day.

I laid her down on the couch and wrapped her up in her blanket that I pushed to the floor. I laid down next to her and covered us both in the blanket I had been using earlier and wrapped my arms around her small waist and pulled her close to my chest, her back towards me. I rest my head above hers and took a deep breath as I savored the scent of her hair mixed with rain and her own unique scent.

" How do you really know if I'm everything you think I am?" she said so softly I could barely hear her.

" Well, isn't that what love is? Taking a chance."

" How do you know if you love me?"

" I guess you'll just have to find out."

She giggled gently and soon her breathing slowed and she was fast asleep. I brushed a few stray strands of hair away from her face and couldn't believe such a sweet, innocent person could hold so much in her heart. It must have been unbearable. But she didn't need to worry anymore. She would have me. I would be there for her from now on.

We would never have to be alone again.

I held her closer and thought of a song. My silent vow to her.

Let me be the one you call

If you jump I'll break your fall

Lift you up and fly away with you into the night

If you need to fall apart

I can mend a broken heart

If you need to crash then crash and burn

" Your not alone," I finished out loud as I drifted off to sleep, with a wounded angel in my arms.