DISCLAIMER: I own zilch.
Sorry for the wait, but this is a long chapter so I hope that makes up for it. =]
Pam chewed her lip hard. The algebra equations were confusing and difficult but studying was
better then concentrating on the fact that she was pregnant. She bit her lip viciously and worked on the first problem on the test. But she couldn't stop her mind from wandering and every time it wandered, it wandered to babies. She was really scared. There was so much she didn't know about babies – there was no way she could raise one. But what if no one adopted her baby? What if her baby wasn't healthy? All through maths, Pam's head was filled with 'what if's...'
"That maths practice test was killer." Alexa groaned as she and Pam walked down the hallway to the cafeteria. "I was stuck after two multiple choice. Like this will so go down well with my parents." She rolled her eyes. "So, what did you think of it?" She turned to Pam.
"I don't know. It was hard, I guess. I just...can't stop thinking about my doctor appointment. It's this afternoon."
"Yeah, I know. I'm so sorry I can't be there."
"It's okay. Really, I think I'd feel better if I went on my own."
"Where does your mom think you are?"
"At an extra art class."
"You think that'll work? Doctor appointments can go on for a long time." Pam shrugged.
"You think anything in my life is working? I wish none of this had ever happened. Maybe I'm not pregnant. Maybe it's a flesh eating virus – oh, man, that would be such a relief-"
"Pam." Alexa said softly.
"I know. I know. I'm pregnant." They walked into the cafeteria and began to fill their trays with salad and some sort of mystery meat.
"Can I give you some advice?"
"Anything."
"I think you have to deal with this now. It's obvious you are," Alexa lowered her voice. "Pregnant. And you need to face that fact and move on to how you're going to deal with this situation. For starters, I think you should tell your parents." They sat at an empty table.
"I know I have to tell them sooner or later but it's so awful. I keep seeing their faces, disappointed in me. I just don't know how this happened. I don't know what to do or how to tell them."
"Just sit down with them after dinner and tell them, no beating around the bush." Alexa said firmly.
"Um. No."
"Okay, so talk to a school counselor or Dr. Howell or someone. They could call your parents in and tell them."
"Yeah, right. My parents would freak and I do not want that happening in front of other people."
"Well. You have to figure something out and soon."
"I know." She blinked back a few tears, fear flooding her body all the way to her fingertips.
Pam walked into the doctor's office that afternoon with her legs shaking. She signed in at the desk and turned around. She was greeted by at least 9 children and their frazzled looking mothers. A few toddlers were sprawled on the floor with crayons, one baby was screeching, it's small face so red it was almost purple and a couple of kids were running around the chairs shrieking and laughing. She gulped. There were no chairs left so she sat down in one of the little, wooden kids chairs feeling tiny. She shot a nervous smile at the little girl who grinned up at her, missing two teeth. She reminded herself to breathe in and out. She was afraid she might forget. One by one the waiting room emptied until finally she could move to a regular chair. The moment she sat down the woman with the crying baby handed the baby to her and left to go the bathroom. Pam swallowed hard and held the baby in the crook of her arm. She rocked it back and forth gently, feeling self conscious and awkward. It's cries had died down to whimpers but it's face was still crumpled and red, it's little body hot in her arms. It was so vulnerable. Innocent. Fragile. One wrong move and...she didn't want to think about it anymore. The mother came back and Pam gratefully handed the child back. Her arms felt empty without it.
That night at night Mrs. Beesly made spaghetti. The smell made Pam feel sick but all she could do was sit there and poke at her food, letting the waves of nausea sweep over her.
"Are you okay, honey?" Mrs. Beesly asked worriedly. "You've barely touched your food." Pam pushed a meatball to the side of her plate, fear overwhelming her. This was the perfect opening to tell her parents...
"I...I'm fine, Mom. Just a little tired."
"I've been meaning to talk to you about that." Her mother raised her eyebrows. "You don't get enough sleep these days. And you're so pale..."
"I'm really fine, Mom." Pam tried not to sound annoyed. "I'm just tired."
"Well, I'm just..."
"Leave it, Margaret." Mr. Beesly gave his wife a look and continued eating.
"Actually, Mom, Dad...there's something we have to talk about. And it's...it's really..." How do you tell your parents you're pregnant? Pam took a deep breath and put down her fork. She picked it up and put it down again. She cleared her throat.
"I...I...well, I mean, I..."
"Honey?" Mrs. Beesly sounded confused. Pam felt her hands shake and her throat began to close up.
"I...I got into art school." She blurted out. She clapped a hand to her mouth. She hadn't meant to tell them that! She couldn't go to art school!
"Oh, honey, that's wonderful!" Mrs. Beesly rose and hurried to hug Pam. She squirmed under her mother's embrace, feeling her neck heat up.
"Oh, I, uh...well, I haven't actually decided if I want to you know, go through with it." She hastily tried to backtrack.
"No, Pammy, this is great!" Mr. Beesly beamed at her proudly from his chair. "I'm so proud of you!"
"We both are." Mrs. Beesly chimed in.
"But I don't know if I really want to pursue...a...a career in art." She lied desperately. "What I mean is, art is more of a hobby. A leisure activity." How could she explain? She couldn't possibly go to art school...not now.
"What are you talking about? This is a fantastic opportunity for you. And it will give you a chance to find out if you do want to have an artistic career." Mr. Beesly said convincingly.
"And if not, it's just a bit of fun." Her mother added.
"Guys...I...don't know. I'll think about it." She stared down at her almost full plate and pushed a forkful of spaghetti side to side. She deliberately kept her eyes down but she could still feel her parents exchange a 'Look' over her head.
Jim lay in bed that night on his side, staring out his window and looking to the round, buttery moon. He was lost. He had no idea what he was supposed to say or do or feel or act. He didn't know who he was or how he got into this mess. How? How could this have happened? He was a good student. He was a nice person. He was responsible. Or...he thought he was.
The next day was cold and still – autumn was fading and silver winter was creeping in. Pam and Jim, and the rest of their class were working on their math test in silence. Most of the students were bundled up in extra sweaters and scarves – Mark had insisted on wearing gloves and ended up cutting the fingers off so he could still write. Pam pointed out it was excessive but he seemed content. Still, even with the heater on full blast, Jim noticed Pam was still shaking. Guilt swept through him. It was his own fault that Pam was forced to suffer through this cold; it was his fault Pam was pregnant and forced to hide it from everyone.
The test seemed to drag on forever for Pam. She realized she wasn't putting in the same amount of effort she usually did, especially in maths, her worst subject. But the cold weather, and the awful symptoms of pregnancy were making Pam feel drowsy and sore. She stared hard at the equation before her. The letters slowly joined the numbers and danced on the page in front of her. She felt panic rising in her chest. What was happening? Maybe she should just rest her eyes for a moment. Just until her head stopped spinning...just until...
"Miss Beesly?" Her maths teacher, Mrs. Hubbard tapped Pam on the shoulder. "Miss Beesly. Wake up!" Pam opened her eyes, and shook her head.
"Yes, Mrs. Hubbard?" She felt disorientated but she tried to act calm.
"You fell asleep, are you feeling alright?" She asked, looking concerned.
"Oh! Oh, yes, I'm fine, thank you. I'm sorry, I just...I'm a little tired." She felt her cheeks grow warm and the eyes of her classmates burning into her.
"Alright." Replied Mrs. Hubbard, doubtfully. "But I'm sorry to say your time is up – you need to hand in your test." Pam lowered her head, mortified. She closed her eyes in disbelief and took a deep breath before handing her teacher her test. It was only half done and most of her answers were guessed and only partly finished. How could she let herself fall asleep during a test? She suppressed a groan.
"Are you sure your okay, dear?" She felt Mrs. Hubbard's worried hand on her shoulder. "Perhaps you should go to the nurse." She scanned the room until her eyes landed on Jim who was staring at Pam with worried eyes.
"Ah, Mr Halpert, would you mind escorting Miss Beesly to the nurse?" Jim jumped up and did as she asked. He led Pam out of the classroom gently, guiding her by her arm. She concentrated on the floor, trying to ignore the staring faces. She took seven steps into the nurse's office and fainted.
Pam opened her eyes slowly. Jim was beside her, taking her hand with a worried expression. She glanced around the room, sick bay, empty aside from her and Jim.
"Thank God you woke up. I was about to call the nurse again," he said, relieved. "How do you feel?" Pam blinked and sat up slowly.
"Fine." She muttered. "A little dizzy, maybe." She wished people would stop asking her if she was alright. She knew she was being irrational but she was sick of it.
"Do you want to me to call the nurse?" He asked.
"No, I'm fine." She snapped. "I just...I hate this. All of this."
"Pam, I think you need a few days of school." He began gently, putting a cold cloth on her forehead. "You're under a lot of pressure and-"
"Jim, I don't have time for a vacation!" That rubber band feeling tightened around her chest. "I have school and...and...I just don't have time!" She exploded. She wanted to slap the baffled look off his face.
"God, you're so ignorant sometimes! Leave! Just leave!" She cried. He lowered his eyes. Silence filled the room.
"Oh, Jim. I am so sorry." She cooled down as quickly as she had flared up. Long awaited tears poured down her cheeks. Jim lingered at the door awkwardly. He watched her as she sat alone on the bed crying into the emptiness that choked the room. A deeper sadness invaded him. It wasn't caused by her words but the sympathy he felt for her. He casually walked back and sat down across from her.
"It's okay, Pam." He took both her hands in his.
"No, it's not. Nothings okay." She took short breaths.
"Yes. It is." He said clearly and firmly. "I understand that this whole thing is difficult and we're going to have to go through a lot. But I'm the one who put you in this situation and I love you. It's going to take more then a few rants to get rid of me." He joked lightly. She smiled faintly, a bit of laughter escaping her lips. There was silence for a moment.
"I think I failed my maths test." She whispered.
"Oh." He winced. "What...uh, happened?"
"I just couldn't concentrate." She said, sniffling. "Between deciding about art school, homework, and...and everything I just couldn't concentrate. It was too much."
"Pam...don't you think it's time we told somebody?" He suggested cautiously.
"We – we told Mark. And Alexa."
"I mean adults."
"No. Not yet." She said quickly, looking away. Jim frowned.
"Okay. But I think we should tell somebody soon." She nodded once, quickly.
"It's just all so hard. I feel terrible all the time. Our parents are going to be furious and-"
"It will all work out." he interrupted to assure her.
"What if we are forbidden to see each other after our parents find out?" Her eyes grew wide with fear.
"I would never let that happen." He said fiercely.
"I love you." She said tearily leaning her head on his shoulder.
"I love you too." He let his head rest on hers. She yawned sleepily. He pulled back carefully, holding her at arm's length.
"How long has it been since you slept?" He asked suspiciously.
"A couple of nights?" She lied. She hadn't slept properly since she'd found out about the pregnancy. Jim sighed and gently pushed her down.
"I think you should take a nap. I'll wake you up when school is over."
"B-but I have to study for the English essay 4th period! And I have a science test on Thursday."
"You have to sleep." He said firmly. "It's not healthy."
"Fine." She surrendered. Crying had made her sleepy and despite her schoolwork, a little sleep was welcomed. She slipped under the covers of the sick bay bed, and with one last teary smile at Jim, shut her eyes and fell asleep as soon as her head hit the pillow.
Yay, long chapter! I have to say, I feel happy with this chapter. It was harder to write but I feel pretty good about it, getting some of those feelings out into the plot. Hope you enjoyed and reviews are always welcome. Thanks for reading! =]
