I felt like I should reveal exactly what happened that night to clarify what they remembered, it's not needed to enjoy the story, it's a little heavier than the rest of the story and it's not actually needed to understand the story, but i wanted to write it anyway, but if you wanna know, it's here. Boom. Rated M for good reason...
I own no snk :(
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Levi story
The world was moving in slow motion, he was walking, but every step was taken in slow motion, every movement heavy…. She was gone, she was gone it was his fault, she was never coming back. She was gone, that smile was gone, her smell that drifted from her skin, the warmth of her in his arms, her eyes, her feistiness that he adored, it was all gone. Her family had blamed him, they told him how happy she was to be working with him, they smiled at him, their smile was kind and accepting, their smiles held the promise of something he'd never known; family. The fact that he managed to hold it together when he told them that she'd died on that mission was amazing.
They hit him and he took it. They insulted him and he took it, had they spit on him he would've taken it. For losing her, for not bringing her home, he deserved it all. When he told them her body was lost on the way they hit him harder, insulted him more deeply, and spit at him, and he took it. He deserved it all.
He should have never let her kiss him. She caught him off guard. He had been helping her groom her horse when she suddenly reached out and kissed him, he asked her why, but she merely told him the truth; she liked him. It made him laugh a bit, she was honest and simple. He liked that, so he let her hang around, he followed him everywhere, like a shadow, she followed him and took note of his actions, trying so hard to be like him, but he thought she was fine as herself, he told her that too. He should't have told her that, she followed him to his bedroom that same night and from then on, he painstakingly slowly opened his heart to her, they had plans, to get married, plans for a family, plans to stay together. He'd broken them all single handedly now.
There was a chime of doorbells as he finally made it to the bar he was walking to. Someone said something to him, he didn't know what it was, he didn't care.
He took a seat at the bar before calling over a bartender, "Give 2 glasses, make sure they're full until I say otherwise or until I'm dead." He said gravely. The bartender simply nodded before pouring him a drink. Levi knocked it back in the blink of an eye relieved to finally feel a little warmth.
Hanji story
"Hanji, are you sure you want to try and capture another titan?"
"Yes, I have to, it seems like these titans are behaving a bit differently than the ones from before and I can't risk testing on Eren too much." Hanji said gravely as she adjusted her glasses on her face.
Erwin gave her a long hard look before nodding, "It might prove useful, but you might have to go with a very small team, can you handle that?" Though his words were simple they both knew what he was really asking if she was prepared for the high chance of dying on this mission.
"Yes sir!" She saluted, she had to do this, people dying around her, the loss of her titans, she needed to help out and she knew her best place wasn't necessarily the front lines. She knew that she needed to do this and also that if she went with a small team, it was very unlikely that she'd come back. but what choice did she have now? He gave her a slow nod of understanding, his eyes a bit sad as he dismissed her.
She left the room with a somber feeling. Her life was titans and science, always. There was a lot she hadn't done; never been kissed, never had a boyfriend, never had alcohol, never lived in the outside world, there was a ton more but she figured it was better not to think about it. It wasn't like she could accomplish them today anyways.
Her steps were heavy as she walked down the hall. If this was going to be her last day, she wasn't going to spend all night thinking about it. At least one of those things she's never done could be accomplished.
Escape the Bar
The chiming of the bells to the door of the bar pulled Levi's attention from his second drink as his eyes landed on the last person he wanted to see right now. Hanji wasn't bad, they worked well together, helped each other out now and then, almost like friends, but not quite, but she was too damn excitable, he usually didn't think much of it, but the last thing he wanted now is to have to deal with that energy. He just wanted to drown out the sorrows. He was ready to tell her to piss off when she sat next to him, but when she sat, she didn't say a word to him, she just ordered a bevy of drinks, and pushed a few his way. He looked at her a moment before excepting one, then two. The next thing he knew they were both fucked up.
"Why are you drinking?" She asked somberly, hung over the table.
"I want to." he replied bluntly. She smirked a sly smirk before holding up a drink and knocking back in response before she sighed. "It's hot." She said taking off the top few buttons of her shirt.
He watched her as she did. Her hands were not the hands of Petra, not as smooth or small, but the action instantly took him back to memories of Petra undoing the buttons of her shirt with a little grin in the dim lighting of his office. His hand found it's way on top of hers, keeping her from undoing her buttons. Instantly reminded him that the day before she died, she'd come to his room, but he'd turned her away saying he was too tired, if only he'd known.
"Don't do that here." He slurred. but she pouted, "You're fucking wasted, I'll take you back to your room." He offered. If it was Petra right now he would have done the same.
She shrugged and got up from her barstool, slamming down a large wad of money as she did, saying that she paid for his too. He wasn't sure why she did that, but he didn't argue.
Getting her out of the bar was easy, but once they both got to the streets, they could barely stand up, they drifted all over the sidewalk, a few times he almost fell in the street and she'd a lost fallen in the alleyway, but she laughed the whole way. He hadn't cracked a smile yet.
By the time he got her to her room it was the middle of the night, his head was spinning and he had to get away from her. He wanted to go drink more, Petra was still on his mind, he needed to forget that she was gone, he was in too much shock and Hanji wouldn't shut up about something or another and he was starting to get angry.
"I'm gonna die." She was saying as she finally entered her room and flopped back on her bed with a doofy smile. She started taking her clothes off again, undoing the buttons, "Tomorrow I might really die Levi." She hummed turning her head away for a minute. And his eyes went wide, to his drunken eyes, in the dim glow of the candle near her bed, right a that angle, she looked a lot like Petra. For a moment, he was so drunk, he thought it might have been, he thought that this was Petra telling him that tomorrow she might die, if that was it, all he had to do was convince her to stay behind right?
"Don't die." he murmured walking towards her bed, His eyes stung, Petra, she couldn't die, she couldn't leave him again, she had to stay!
"Can't help it I've got a major mission, if I don't -" She turned to face Levi and saw his eyes were glistening, "What's wrong?" She asked, her own worries dropping at the sight of the mighty Levi misty eyed. Was it because she said she was dying tomorrow? She hadn't thought it would bother him enough to cry, but the second she sat up, his face was stoic again, perhaps she'd imagined the tears?
"Levi," she mumbled suddenly. "I might die tomorrow, so thanks for drinking with me, that's one thing off of my list of things I didn't want to die without doing." she smirked, but his eyes were unamused, dead.
"What else was there?" He asked bluntly, he could only wonder if Petra died with regrets as he asked.
"Well." She started turning her head away, and Levi's gut jumped as she fell into the same angle that made her look like Petra if he squinted enough, "I didn't want to die.. a virgin." She said hesitantly.
"I can help you with that." he breathed and she turned to face him again eyes wide with shock. Did he like her? They worked often together and really well together, but she never once thought that someone might have thought of her as a woman, everyone usually mistook her for a man or treated her like one. The thought of someone liking her warmed her heart, but it cooled t the second she turned to see him and he roughly grabbed her head and turned it away, "Just don't look at me." he warned.
"Right." She replied softly ignoring the pain of his fingers digging in her scalp . This was meant to be no feelings attached, he was just doing a dead girl a favor, this was not an act of love, it was a desperate grasp at one night of warmth before she went cold forever, she never could have guessed that Levi was also in it for the same reasons. Both of them only wanted to feel a warmth that they thought they might not ever get to feel again, a kind of warmth that you couldn't feel alone, the warmth of someone else's body heat.
She didn't look at him, just like he'd asked, she even closed her eyes as she felt his weight on the bed and his hands come down on her shirt buttons. The ripping of fabric shot through the air as he roughly tore it from her body and she jumped suddenly nervous, "Levi I-!" she started to look at him, but he reached out and kept her head turned away from him.
"Is this what you want?" he asked in a rough voice, his mouth right on her ear. She shuddered, she had no idea he could sound like that, she didn't know this was what a man was like. "I'll guide you through it, but I won't be gentle." he warned huskily. Her mouth was dry, she just nodded slowly once. If it was her last night, she wasn't going to back out now. She heard the sound of fabric ripping before she felt him tie something over her eyes.
"What are you-?" She asked but he'd roughly covered here mouth with his hand. He didn't care right now, he wanted to feel warmth, he wanted his nights with Petra back, Hanji's eyes staring up at him would've been too much, seeing eyes that weren't Petra's was wrong, but he felt so dead, so cold.
Hanji wasn't Petra, she was good enough though, she was warm. If he closed his eyes, it was almost like being with Petra again one last time.
Hanji could barely keep her head straight, she was getting dizzy. His hands traced her body roughly drifting over her chest, down her stomach, before settling on her belt. She could feel him desperately undoing it and she lifted her hips to make it easier and he wasted no time stripping her bare. She could hear him shifting moving fast as he lifted from the bed for a moment, but then he was back, he was over her and she was feeling a nervous pit in her stomach. She was using him, this was wrong, she couldn't just use him like this because she was going to die! But then his lips came down on her neck rough, his tongue dragging down her skin, lower and lower until her thoughts were so scrambled she couldn't feel bad anymore. His hands were everywhere touching everything rough, demanding, but it felt good and she knew this wasn't his first time. She heard a moan, and it shocked her own ears as she realized it was her. She was getting anxious, this was what she'd asked for, but she was scared, her hands were by her side, she had no clue what to do with them, what to do at all, but wow was he making her feel good.
He shifted again, she could hear his belt and her heart raced, as she realized what was about to happen, she hear herself asking him to hurry up with a want in her voice that she didn't know was possible. She felt the rough skin of his hands on her thighs as he nudged them apart. There was a moment where there was no sound, she held her breath in anticipation. That was the golden moment, it was only a moment, but she was ready, she wanted this so badly now, she would've cried if he made her wait longer, but then in one motion one more thing was crossed off her list of things she'd wanted to do before she died. It hurt more than she thought it would, but she'd felt worse pain, this pain was oddly pleasant. Then he moved and "Shit" She heard him grunt, she was thinking exactly what he'd said, ohhh shit.
It took him a moment to position himself, but when he started, she knew he meant what he said about not being gentle, he really want for it, and she could barely keep up, she was melting, she had to have been, she barely felt like she existed as he practically slammed her into the bed over and over. She was sure she was floating as he pulled her up from the bed and held her flush to him, not breaking their breakneck pace. By some miracle she'd managed to deftly lift her arms and wrap them around him. "O-oh my-!" She cried, throwing her head back in euphoria, she didn't know it was possible to feel this good, she wasn't sure how much more of this she could take.
He was mumbling something now, his lips against her shoulder she could feel them moving saying something, but she wasn't sure what. His lips came to her ear, his chin on her shoulder as he pulled her closer and then she heard it, "-etra" he murmured. She wanted to ask what the hell he was saying, but her mouth couldn't form words her jaw felt slack as he kept her pressed close, moans were all she could manage as a strange pressure built between them. He was not giving her a chance to catch her breath, think or even move in anyway that he didn't command, but she get something drip on her shoulder. Tears?
"Petra." he groaned in her ear, his voice cracked, but at that same moment, he slammed hard into her and her eyes went wide, the world went white, she nearly screamed but he held his hand over her mouth before he rolled away from her at the last moment. She fell back on the bed panting, but the name he called, was Petra's. Her head was buzzing from the sex and alcohol, but that still rose above it all. Had he and Petra been together? Why would he sleep with her if Petra was the one he loved? Her thoughts drifted lazily through her mind, she couldn't hold onto them, she was feeling so tired, but he was already up and getting dressed.
"This… If I live, this never happened, Levi." She panted gravely, and he nodded once as he buttoned up his shirt. The booze was making her a bit sick, so was the thought of doing something that betrayed Petra, she kinda liked Petra, but then she remembered she'd heard something happened to Petra earlier in the day. What was it again? Her eyes went wide as her hazy mind produced an answer. Petra had died today.
"Never." He replied coldly, leaning down to get the belt from the bed, but Hanji grabbed him by his shirt. She wanted to apologize, she hadn't known what happened, she was so sorry, her wants weren't the problem here, he was suffering and she could now see it in his red eyes. She opened her mouth to say this, but words didn't come out, her lunch did.
Levi looked down at Hanji who was panting now, and down at his shirt that was covered in whatever slopped she had eaten. He felt ill. Petra had died, he'd just had a one night stand with a spaz, and that spaz puked on him, he was officially traumatized, he knew he had to be, but even the stench of vomit couldn't fully pull him out of his slump. He shoved her back, and she landed in the sheets, unconscious, he found himself rolling her on her side in case she puked again and he left the room still drunk as hell and not really sure if he remembered where his room was, but he started walking anyways.
The next morning he woke up with a headache, and a vague memory of Hanji and a bar and her puking on him and then asking him to forget it happened. He looked down to find the evidence on his shirt and he sighed. He was definitely going to do all he could to forget that happened.
It took him longer to get ready that morning, despite the fact that he'd forgone much of his fairly extensive cleaning routine and just taken a shower and changed his clothes before walking to go meet Erwin in the hallway.
On the way he happened to pass Hanji who was coming from her room with a heavy look on her face. She nodded briefly at him and he did the same.
"About last night, I'm sorry." she said as he'd started to walk away, but he merely turned to her, slightly irritated that she'd brought up her barf in the hallway.
"What are you talking about? Last night never happened, remember?" He said sternly. She looked a bit shocked, but nodded.
Hanji looked at the serious look on his face, the deep bags under his puffy eyes and knew that even though he was acting all tough, he was still deeply hurt inside, though he'd never say it. If acting like last night never happened was what he needed to move forward and deal with the reality that Petra was gone, she wouldn't take that from him. After all, she'd used him, and he'd used her. She merely nodded before turning and walking down the hall to go on a mission she'd calculated she had a 2.7% chance of surviving, her last thought as she walked into the briefing room being that she hoped her fellow Survey Corp leader would be okay even if she wasn't there to help him out now and then.
I really hate writing super sexy scenes, they make me cringe as I write it, but I tried man.. I tried… It's a part of the story after all, but I don't know if I did it justice.
