Of course, now he shows his face. Stood silently, Brendan leant against the door frame, arms and legs crossed with his head hanging forward. After what felt like an hour, Brendan spoke up.
"I, Er... I thought you would have gone by now, Steven"
"He thought he'd stay, have a wee natter, didn't you Ste?" Joel butted in.
I was now put in a place of pressure. I had Brendan staring right at me, expression unreadable, and Joel ... Well, if looks could kill. Looking back at Joel, still struggling with his ribs, I glanced at Brendan, eyes fixed in his and sternly said,
"You get used to it after about the third time"
Before inviting myself into Brendan's cooped up office, brushing past the hurt looking man.
When Brendan re-entered the office, closing the door behind him, we stood in silence awkwardly for about 5 minutes, until one of us decided to speak up.
"How long we're you standing there?" I asked, afraid to hear his answer.
"Long enough" he replied, unable to make eye contact.
A few more seconds of silence passed before he took his turn to converse.
"Is ... That what you really think?"
"Thought!" I snapped back at him.
"Thought ... Yeah"
That look. He gets me every time with that same look, and every time it ends in the same place, his bed. But not this time! I fed up of being his puppet, but no, it's time I cut the strings.
"Don't look at me like that!"
"Like what, Steven?"
"Like I'm in the wrong! Hurt did it? Knowing I've moved on? Knowing my life doesn't evolve around you? Get over yourself!"
"Yeah ..."
"Don't deny it, I can see it in y ... What?"
Did he just ... Did he admit wanting me back?
"It hurts, Steven. You with your new business, acting like nothing ever happened, when I'm sat up dwelling in the past."
Speechless, I stuttered "W well I'm sorry, Brendan, but it's time I had my life back, and you get yours ..."
As I headed for the door, Brendan's huge build blocked my way, hand lingering on my chest. Still facing the door, I closed my eyes, allowing myself to embrace it, before pulling away.
"Let me explain Steven ..."
"Oh god, here we go again! What am I supposed to do ey? Jump in your pants? Gonna promise me crap until I pin my hopes up on ya, and then let me down? It's getting ridiculous Brendan, get sorted!"
Making another attempt to leave, he slammed the door closed again and screamed,
"You just don't get it do you?"
"Get what Brendan!" I screeched back, hearing my voice crack.
"I don't ... I don't love you ..." His voice became inviting, but his posture turned violent. He seemed to notice how much that hurt me, and continued,
"What we had was special, you said it yourself! But you ... ya deserve better than me ... It is, was special for all the wrong reasons!"
Fingering the bridge of his nose, he took a deep breath in, showing his struggle to open up. In order to spur him on, get to the very core of him, I asked attempting to look as straightforward as possible,
" ... So you never loved me?"
And between sighs he continued "I never said that, Ste of course I did! You ... You do something to me, make me feel strange feelings I didn't even feel for Eileen. I've tried so hard to change, so hard to stop them, but they just won't piss off! Every time I see you, my stomach knots, it's like I'm a teen all over again and it's not getting any better! I wish I could put us behind me, but I can't! I physically can't! I'm IN love with you Ste, deep in it and stuck. I'm sorry that is inconvenient for you, but it's the truth and I can't help it ..."
As he finished, his voice became breathless, as if he tried to let it all out in one go. Unable to look at him during the whole break out I took a glance, and noticed tears streaming down his cheeks, and he was chewing on his thumb nail out I discomfort. He slowly started to pace around the office, before sliding down a wall and placing his head into his quivering hands, taking half of the notice board with him.
How am I supposed to respond to that? Walking away would be too heartless, the mans in bits. Mentally telling myself not to fall for his tricks again, I decided to join him, and in attempt to comfort him I placed my arm on his shoulder.
"Do you know how rare real love is? How unique it is to really love someone? Liking them, that's one thing, but to love them is ... It's different. You would put your whole life on hold to protect them, to make sure they are ok, do practically anything for them but not care if you get anything in return. And it's like a stake to the heart when you find someone you think you can trust. Who sees the real you, knows you like the back of their hand because you know that even the slightest thing can hurt them. They make you weak. They make you fear yourself. 'Should I have said that? Did they take that the wrong way?' it's pathetic how much of a light weight you become. And that's what scared me the most. You not only weakened me, but you became my weakness. At first yeah I admit, you were just another twink to fuck about with. Another Macca, another Vinnie, but then you became something and that then my whole world can crashing down above me, because for all my rivals it was two birds in one stone. If they threatened you, but didn't hurt you, you would get pissed off with me for putting you there, if they hurt you, they'd hurt me."
He then looked up at me, brushed his hand over my chin and continued "I couldn't let that happen, either of them."
Removing his hand, he shot up and composed his self. Tilting his head to the side he headed for the door, only to be beat there by Cheryl.
"Brendan did you get my messages?" she said happily, before turning to me, as I sat their cradling my knees. She looked back at Brendan only to notice his tear stained shirt and blood shot eyes, and within seconds her expression opposed. "What's happened? Are you ok Bren?"
Neither of us replied, and before she could demand a reply Brendan left. Standing up, I wiped my nose with my sleeve and told Cheryl
"Life's a bitch, that's all you need to know." and followed Brendan out the door.
