Finding Our Way Back (To Us)
Wow guys, great reviews. Next chapter I'll respond to the most interesting ones individually but right now I just want to get this chapter up. Oh – and I'm glad that you guys like the name Emma. It's a little guilty pleasure for me – It's my own name after all. Hee hee. Well, I hope you like this chapter.
You Gotta' Be Someone You Love
"Mommy, why are you crying?"
Brooke wiped a lone tear from her right eye as she stirred the marinara into the spaghetti and passed the bowl over to Emma at the counter.
Though Emma looked and acted almost identical to Brooke in all aspects, Brooke could see Lucas in the things Emma did everyday. Even at 4 1/5, Emma was extremely sensitive, and caring. She was perspective – picked up on many details of emotion, and though outgoing, she could be very introverted and quiet.
"Nothing sweetie, I just had a long day."
"H-How, what do you mean? We never – I mean, not since…" A look of comprehension dawned over Lucas' face, clouding up his sharp blue eyes. He lowered his scratchy voice. "You – you didn't have the abortion?"
"No Luke," she said quietly. "I didn't have the abortion."
Somehow she was outside Starbucks now – clinging onto Emma's hand as she quickly made her way across the busy intersection. The last minute was lost in her mind now – she could remember a rush of anxiety, a cry from her daughter as Brooke ushered her out of the Starbucks, leaving Lucas behind, confused.
She expected him to follow them. Grab Brooke and make her demand to explain what happened – make a demand to be in his daughter's own life. But as they crossed the street, and made their way down the long cross-town block, Brooke's breaths became evener. She had made the right choice – Lucas hadn't been ready to be a father in college – and he wasn't ready now either.
"Mommy, who was that man?"
She was asking about him again. It was probably the 5th time today. "Who was that man mommy? Did you know him? I like him. Can he come live with us?"
Brooke slowly tuned her daughter out. Managed to calm her down, get her into pajamas, and settle her down in front of Beauty and the Beast, where all remembrance of Lucas was immediately forgotten in favor of Belle and her songs.
Brooke quietly made her way to the terrace and stepped out. At 8:00, the sun was starting to set on the beautiful June evening. Emma would be out of school in a few weeks, and then they would have the summer ahead of them. They would go to the Vineyard again, spend days lounging on the beach in the July sun. And then there would be those awkward days when Brooke's parents showed up – after all it was their own house, and Brooke was forced to spend a week or so with them.
Emma didn't call Brooke's parents Grandma and Grandpa. In fact – she didn't call them anything at all. Didn't talk to them much – actually more like didn't acknowledge their existence. Just contented herself with running through the sand, splashing through the waves, while Brooke spent hours in awkward conversations with her parents about where her life was going.
And then it would be back to the city – back to the sweaty sluggish month of August, where Emma would enroll in day camp and Brooke would be back at work. Back behind a desk – back to her life.
She leaned against the terrace railing, and looked out over the trees of central park. Brooke would admit it – she had money. When Emma was born, Brooke had to make a decision – be happy herself, or have her daughter be happy. Of course they could both be happy, but not all the time. And Emma came before Brooke every time.
She could have taken a risk. Took exciting jobs that paid little but which you learned so much from. Instead, she took the straightforward path, the one that would get her money. Money to keep Emma happy.
Of course, money wasn't everything. But Brooke liked to think that after years of working her way up the career ladder, all her work wouldn't be for nothing.
Thinking about it now, se was ashamed at the way she let herself become successful. She did things to make it to the top that at one point would disgust her. And all the times she let it happen, four in all, she cried herself to sleep that night, hoping that having sex with the decider wasn't the only real talent she had. She liked to think that she was hired because she had potential in that field, not reassurance that she would spread her legs whenever he asked her to.
But she had made it – scrambled to the top. And now she was stuck in a well paying job that she loved, but one that never made her truly happy.
She let out a small shuddering sigh, and lowered herself onto a balcony chair, reaching into her pocket for her phone.
The phone was ringing. Peyton felt Jake nudge her, and she groaned and rolled over to answer it, while glancing at the clock. It was 3am.
A familiar voice came on the other end. "Hey stranger."
Peyton sat up in bed, wide awake now. "Brooke, is that you?"
"yeah it is," came back her voice, sounding far away. "sorry to wake you up. What time is it in Paris? Like 3?"
"Yeah, but it's fine," responded Peyton, stifling a yawn. She stood up, shuffled into her slipped and made her way out the bedroom door into the dark hallway. "How are you? How's Emma?"
Peyton could feel Brooke smiling on the other end. "We're great. How Jake and Jenny and Liam?"
"They're all great," said Peyton with a smile, passing by the nursery and peeking in to see 6 month old Liam, sound asleep. She moved into the living room and settled herself in a comfy armchair. "So, what's wrong?"
"How did you know something was wrong?" said Brooke, a little defensively.
"Well, we haven't talked in like a couple of months. I mean, we've both been really busy, I figured something must be wrong if you're calling me randomly at 3 am."
There was a pause on the other end. "I saw Lucas today."
"You saw Lucas today," repeated Peyton. "Were you with Emma?"
"Yeah, he saw her too. He knows Peyton."
Peyton sighed. "Well I don't know what to tell you Brooke. You know that I was never supportive of your whole, "Lucas never has to find out," speech. I'm kind-of relieved he knows."
"Peyton…"
"No, Brooke, really. Come on. It's not fair to have his baby and then not even tell him he has a daughter for 6 years. He missed out on 6 years of her life."
Brooke sounded angry now. "I couldn't tell him Peyton! He had so much going for him."
"That doesn't change the fact that Emma is his daughter."
There was a silence. And then, "I made the right choice. He didn't even come after us today."
Peyton softened her voice. "Brooke…can you blame him? That's some big news for anyone to find out in a day. He's probably confused and upset." She let the last two words slide quietly out of her mouth: "And scared."
