Disclaimer: I do not own Glee or any of the characters unfortunately.
Thankyou all for the reviews and alerts! I received lots of opinions on whether Rachel should run or stay so I tried to incorporate all of them to satisfy all of you! Hopefully I did a good job.
A review also asked why Rachel is still hung up over Quinn despite it being three years and in response to this: all will be revealed in the next chapter!
It's a bit slow, but a crucial chapter, please bear with me and enjoy!
When I Deserve You
Chapter Seven
"Quinn?" Rachel barely whispered yet it was loud enough that it travelled to the blondes ears.
The blonde began to turn and Rachel didn't think she was ready. She couldn't be ready. Three years was not enough preparation time.
The blonde was now face to face with Rachel and the colour drained from her face leaving it a pasty white colour.
"Yes," the blonde answered, "I'm back."
The door behind her was still ajar, she could run or she could face what had been haunting her dreams every night for the past three years.
Rachel held Quinn's gaze for half a second before tearing it away and looking determinedly at the floor. She couldn't do this. Not here. Not now. She thought she was ready, but she couldn't have been more wrong.
The talking and background noises around her morphed into a distortion of sound and the floor began to spin. Her head felt lighter and lighter. She was holding her breath but couldn't seem to find a way to take in air. She tried to breathe but nothing happened. Her throat was dry, slowly constricting, becoming tighter and tighter.
Panic took over the diva. She needed air and she needed it now.
The distortion of noise became more muffled yet seemed very close. Footsteps could be distinguished amongst the buzzing in Rachel's ears and suddenly she felt claustrophobic.
She needed to breathe.
She needed to get out of there.
Rachel whipped her head up but was met with Quinn at a very close proximity reaching her hand out to hold the diva's shoulder.
"Rachel? Breathe okay Rachel. Goddamn it, breathe!"
As soon as Quinn's hand came into contact with Rachel's shoulder she felt a burning sensation almost as if somebody had pierced her body with fire. The next thing Rachel knew was a similar burning feeling accompanying her other shoulder.
Quinn's skin was so close.
The flaming sensation was from Quinn's grip. It felt familiar yet so foreign at the same time.
Rachel's eyes were filled with tears from panic; from worry and from lack of air. Quinn's grip tightened and as it did so Rachel's grip on reality also became more apparent. Rachel turned her head and through a blur of tears she noticed that the door was still open. She had never felt more enclosed and vulnerable in all her life.
The first thought that popped into her head? Run.
The brunette bolted for the door and the blonde quickly followed hurrying an apology to the waiter who was trying to give her the drink she'd ordered.
The slowly growing crowds of people lining the streets of New York made it impossible for Quinn to follow Rachel's direction. She squinted into the distance as far as she could but nothing but bobbing heads of passersby greeted her gaze.
Quinn sighed and decided to go back into the cafe, have a very strong coffee and text Puck to warn him about Rachel's potential breakdown. She stood on the balls of her feet one last time craning her neck as far as was physically possible before giving up and turning to the door.
The blonde turned, her front foot inside the door and then something caught her eye. Rachel. A grin crept upon Quinn's face but she had to suppress it as the brunette made eye contact. There against the wall of The Winter Café was Rachel Berry doubled over, hands on her knee's obviously trying to take in oxygen like she never had done before.
It was a first for Quinn, and surprisingly enough for Rachel, to find the brunette uncomfortable in a social situation causing her to almost pass out with panic.
The blonde moved closer taking careful tentative steps as not to startle the diva any more than she already had done and to make sure their eye contact was kept.
The closer Quinn got the harder Rachel held her gaze. She didn't know what she was looking for. Maybe for some confirmation that this was all real. Or maybe it was deeper than that. Maybe Rachel was already looking for the answers she'd yearned for a little over three years.
Rachel tore her chocolate discs away from honey coated ones when she noticed that Quinn was now standing next to her and in the seemingly complicated process of kneeling down.
"It's not hard to kneel down Quinn," Rachel said sarcastically frowning at the harshness of how she spoke.
Quinn blushed and stopped the process so she instead stood over the brunette's body.
"I didn't want to make you feel uncomfortable, sorry," Quinn muttered.
Rachel felt immediately guilty. A part of her still cared so much about the blonde but another part couldn't give a care in the world.
The scariest part though was the fact that Quinn was now a stranger to Rachel yet she still found herself head over heels in love with her.
"That's considerate of you," Rachel blurted out with only a hint of sarcasm coating her voice.
Quinn didn't answer. She didn't know what to say, what to do or how to act. In her head it was all planned out, it had been planned out since what felt like forever, but now that she was faced with everything she'd left behind suddenly she wasn't so sure.
Shifting from the balls of her feet to her heels, backwards and forwards, backwards and forwards Rachel final lost patience.
"Do you want something Quinn because recovering a near death experience is not something I or anyone for that matter take lightly and with you rocking backwards and forwards expectantly is making me feel nervous and paranoid," the brunette paused and when the blonde continued to move from ball to heel without talking, she carried on, "Look I don't know why you're here or what you're expecting from me but you've wasted a journey and an awful lot of time."
Quinn mused for a second and bit her lip concentrating hard on what she was about to say hoping that it didn't sound too corny.
"I'm here for you but I'm not expecting you to talk to me. I live just two blocks away and needed lunch so it's not a wasted journey and on top of that, time is irrelevant."
Rachel scoffed at the last part and Quinn's brow furrowed.
"Time seemed pretty relevant when you disappeared off of the face of the planet for three solid years, or is that different?" Rachel asked lifting her body from the floor, pulling her shoulders back and looking Quinn squarely in the face.
Quinn was taken aback by the diva's outburst but she should have expected it. Her mouth opened and closed but nothing came out. She was about to defend herself and explain that it obviously was different but she remembered why she had come back. She had come back to make amends and hopefully more than that, however that more than definitely wasn't going to happen if Quinn declared that they weren't equals when they most definitely were.
"No, you're right, it's not different," Quinn replied honestly.
Rachel's confused eyes searched the blonde's rather empty looking ones trying to find a trace of deception, but couldn't find one.
Whilst the pair stared at each other, completely ignoring the citizens of New York pushing past them Rachel found herself searching Quinn's eyes much more thoroughly but every time she did was greeted with the same answer. Nothing. The lustre of Quinn's eyes had vanished. They were empty. The various contrasts of honey pigments were still there but they didn't shimmer and glow like they used to. Rachel hadn't seen Quinn smile yet but if she had she'd notice that her eyes didn't match it anymore. They were yearning. They needed filling. But by what? Quinn knew, of course she did, but Rachel was still yet to find out.
Rachel shivered and Goosebumps appeared on her arms coating her skin in delicate bobbles with her hair standing on end.
Quinn wanted to reach out and touch her. Warm her with her own hands. But that was so beyond out of the question the thought shouldn't have even entered Quinn's head.
"Come inside," Quinn said crossing her fingers behind her back.
"I'm fine out here thanks," Rachel replied refusing to meet Quinn's gaze as she shivered again.
"Okay, I'll see you around."
And with that Quinn turned around and began walking away. The walk felt familiar to Quinn, not that she walked away from Rachel last time, but from all of the other good things she'd walked away from in her life, such as Beth, her friends and her Dad.
Rachel watched Quinn walk away and it felt like an invisible string had been attached from Rachel's heart to Quinn whilst they were having their conversation because Rachel felt an urge to follow her, go with her and call her back even.
"Quinn," Rachel shouted.
The blonde stopped in her tracks and she finally uncrossed her fingers. She always knew Rachel had been a sucker for reverse psychology. She walked back to the blushing brunette and waited for her to continue.
"I lied. I'm cold, freezing actually and with my three upcoming Broadway auditions getting a cold or throat infection is completely out of the question so I'll go in," Rachel motioned to the Café that they were standing outside of.
Quinn tried to suppress a smile but it broke through so she directed her gaze at the floor. She didn't want Rachel to think she was laughing at her after all.
"Come on then," Quinn said as she nodded her head to the window.
She held the door open for the brunette of whom reluctantly thanked the blonde.
As they stood in the queue once more looking in every direction but each other, Rachel spoke again.
"Just to remind you I'm only in here because of my Broadway auditions and the fact that I'm very low on caffeine today. We are also paying separately."
Quinn just nodded still not looking at the brunette just in case she could suss out that Quinn knew the real reason why she was in there: because Puck had stood her up.
The girls sat down at a table right next to the window. Little did Quinn know but Rachel had picked the table deliberately so that if conversation ran low, which it inevitably would, she could pretend that she was looking at something interesting out the window.
Quinn sipped her coffee looking over the rim of her mug admiring every fascinating feature that she could rake up with her eyes. Rachel's prominent cheek bones, her glistening brown eyes and the perfect way in which her hair still looked as if so much care had been put into it, yet she doubt it actually had.
Rachel noticed that she was being watched but didn't put a stop to the blonde's behaviour. She felt almost comfortable again. Comfortable with the fact that the blonde was looking at her like she missed her, it made her feel less stupid because she had sure as hell missed Quinn.
Another five minutes passed in silence in which Rachel pretended to find the pigeon sitting on the bin outside interesting before anticipation finally took over.
"One of us is going to have to talk sooner or later," Rachel scoffed still looking at the pigeon.
"Why would we have to do that? You're only in here because your career in Broadway is important," Quinn replied hiding her smirk behind her coffee mug.
Rachel blushed. She'd never been good with keeping up pretences but she didn't have to admit that to Quinn.
"Yes that is very true but while we are both here we might as well talk and clear the air, it might take some time seeing you have three years of explaining to do," Rachel replied, annoyance lacing her voice.
"Okay, well you ask whatever you want and I'll tell you exactly what you want to know," Quinn smiled putting her empty mug on the table before bringing her hands together fiddling with her silver bracelet.
"Or you could just tell me why you fucked off," Rachel blinked, "and the quicker we can get this over with."
"But you said I had three years of explaining to do, if you want a blow by blow account of what happened and how I felt each day then one, we could be here for a very long time, and two the conversation would be over within twenty seconds because I can't even remember what I had for breakfast, if any, the day I left," Quinn finished defiantly.
Rachel huffed and sank lower into her chair slowly drawing her gaze away from the pigeon to meet Quinn's eyes.
"Okay cut the crap Quinn, what makes you think you can disappear for three years, not call, write or anything and then come back and act like everything's okay?" Rachel near but shouted.
Quinn didn't flinch. She didn't yell. She didn't show any signs of emotions and that unnerved Rachel.
"I don't think its okay for me to come back and do anything. If you want to yell at me, berate me, hit me, throw things at me or never talk to me again then you have the right to do that. I won't stop you. If the roles were reversed I'd be the first to do it to you," the blonde said matter-of-factly.
Rachel just stared and she could feel the warmth of tears ebbing nearer and nearer to the surface. But she couldn't show weakness. Not now. Not to Quinn. So she reverted back to looking out the window only to find that the pigeon she had been previously staring at had gone.
"How can you be so calm?" Rachel questioned.
Honestly, Quinn didn't know but when she started to think about it, the answer was obvious.
"Because I've been planning this day for a little over three years. I'd never know what to expect but I always knew it was coming."
This caught Rachel's attention and her head whipped around.
Quinn had been thinking about her every day for three years. Had she always known she was going to come back? Had she always known that there was a chance Rachel could have moved on? These were just two of the questions that were floating in Rachel's head begging to be answered.
"Every night for three years and stare at the ceiling above me wondering if you'd changed, if you'd dyed your hair, if you were on Broadway, if you were with any of the Glee members and a lot of other things. I'd think about them all until I fell asleep; then I'd dream about them," Quinn finished realising how cliché she'd just sounded.
If she'd thought about her every night, why didn't she just call or write or something, Rachel wondered.
It was as if Quinn had read her thoughts because the next thing she said seemed to answer Rachel's question.
"If I'd have written or called or got in contact with you me going in the first place would have been pointless."
"You sent one flimsy letter! Is that supposed to make up for three years of lost time?" Rachel shouted and a couple of people in the café turned and frowned in the girls direction.
"The same letter that you fall asleep with clutched to your chest every night?" Quinn deadpanned.
Rachel stopped in her tracks.
How the hell did she know? She had only just seen Quinn for the first time in three years, unless, no, Puck would have said, wouldn't he?
As Rachel sat silently Quinn realised exactly what she had just done and her heart faltered.
"You've seen Puck," Rachel stated.
"Not in so many words," Quinn replied fiddling with her mug handling refusing to meet the diva's glare.
"How many, Quinn?"
The emphasis on her name told the blonde that Rachel was slowly becoming more and more agitated.
"Enough," the blond replied.
"How many is enough?"
"I" Quinn started and then stopped but a prompting cough from the diva made the blonde realise that she had no time to dawdle on this matter.
"I saw him briefly the other day because I didn't want to scare you right out of the blue. I didn't expect to meet him, it just, well, it just kind of happened. Sorry."
Quinn expected Rachel to explode with anger but she didn't. Instead a coy smile played on the brunettes lips.
She still cares about me, Rachel thought to herself. Suddenly Rachel realise that Quinn had noticed her smile so she quickly wiped it from her face.
The atmosphere was tense and Quinn was still half expecting that the brunettes acting skills were still in play but after a long silence Quinn's mind was put at rest.
"That was considerate of you," Rachel at last responded.
Quinn sighed with relief.
Neither girl knew quite what was happening and the surreal situation that was playing out in front of them confused them both as suddenly general conversation took over and it was as if nothing had ever happened.
As if no one had ever parted.
"Kurt and Blaine are getting married," Rachel smiled the familiar excitement back in her voice.
"Yeah I heard," Quinn replied also smiling.
Rachel stopped. There it was again. How did Quinn know something was about to happen before she'd even mentioned it? Puck wouldn't remember information like that so it must be…and before she could stop herself she was off on a rant again.
"You've seen Kurt as well haven't you?" Rachel asked bewildered crossing her fingers in her lap hopiong that it wasn't true.
Quinn shifted in her seat and didn't answer.
"Oh my God you have, urgh, I'm so stupid thinking that I would be the first person on your mind when you came back," Rachel said throwing her head back in exasperation.
"It wasn't like that. I ran into him and I asked if he knew where Puck was and he said that you were living together, that's all," Quinn defended.
"So who else have you seen then? Have you met up with Santana and Brittany in the last three years? Did you ring up Finn for a general chat? Anything else I should know about?" Rachel cried tears escaping her eyes.
"I'm always the last one to know, and there was me thinking you went away so you could come back knowing who you are, knowing what you want and who you want. I thought you wanted me and I was so stupid to wait for three years thinking that I wanted you."
Quinn's heart dropped.
"I couldn't have been more wrong," Rachel said as she looked to the door planning her route to leave.
"Look, I didn't plan on seeing any of them I promise. I wanted to see. If you would just give me a chance to explain I'll tell you. I want to let you in Rachel, not just into the last three years but my life in general. I'm not asking you to understand if you don't and I'm not going to beg for forgiveness for going if you don't want to give it, but I am not going to sit here and beat myself up about something that I felt I needed to do," Quinn finished blushing slightly at her outburst.
"Well I'm not going to forgive you and I don't understand so you got both of those right," the brunette paused as she contemplated her words fiddling with the handle of her mug, "I don't want you to beat yourself up Quinn I just wish I could understand and that's something I feel I never will," Rachel said her tone softened somewhat slightly.
Quinn swallowed and just watched the diva jump out of her chair and walk away, this time though, Quinn didn't follow.
So Rachel has stormed out and Quinn is left reeling. Reviews/opinions/criticisms would be great!
I'm really grateful for everything that I get and I'm glad you are all on this journey with me!
Next Chapter: Will Kurt and Puck both get an earful from a fuming and lovestruck diva? And will puck be able to coax it out of Rachel of why she still wants Quinn?
