Author note: Oh MY this chapter took me a long time to write - I was stuck for a really long time and had so much trouble making it feel right. This is the last part of Jumin's section. I thiiink I'll either be writing Seven or V next (I have some thoughts for both of them, but we'll see). Thanks to kurow91, Aldara-Nerita, and TheNobody1 for their reviews! Hearing from people makes me feel so encouraged.
When you got back to the apartment, things were tense. Jumin didn't know what to do, how to feel, or how to interact with you in this situation. Urges to keep you under lock and key and throw away all the medication he had in his house were pulsing at the forefront of his mind, but he knew that would only fix the symptom of your problems, not the cause. And if the cause wasn't fixed, he worried that, without your coping mechanisms, you would turn to more drastic measures.
"If you're having trouble sleeping, I'll give you one of these. No more. And I'm keeping them locked up so only I can get them." You sighed. Of course he would react like this.
"I just want to go back to bed." Jumin stared back at you but nodded quietly.
"Wait," he said. "You should change." You glanced down at yourself and remembered that you were clothed, not in your pajamas, but in a hospital gown.
"I'm too tired to move."
"I don't want you sleeping in that," he replied, his voice firm and insistent. "But you don't have to do anything - I'll change you." Jumin walked towards your shared room, and you stumbled in your exhaustion, collapsing against the wall and trying not to slide to the floor. He returned, carrying a soft, white nightgown. "Lift your arms, princess." He smiled at you, but it was brittle. You did as he asked and he softly traced his fingers up your body, lifting the cheap fabric over your head and dropping it on the ground. His gaze was throbbing. There was so much, radiating from him and piercing into you - arousal, pain, fear, love. You often wondered how it was possible that people saw Jumin as cold and robotic. That man was like you - a hurricane inside. He placed his hands, warm to your skin, on your waist, and pulled you close, tracing his fingers delicately up down your bare back, occasionally pausing to twirl a strand of your hair. You were so numb, then, that even the familiar pangs of desire and the heat you usually felt when you brushed his skin and heard his breathing shallow, were gone. The entire incident, and the guilt you felt as a result, had drained you. You felt like a shell. Everything inside you was emptied out - hollow and cavernous, including every ounce of physical strength. You had little resistance to stand, but he was supporting you, clutching your body to his even as you felt your legs go weak. He hummed softly as he ghosted his fingers along your lower back, trailing across the waistband of your underwear. He glanced down at with a question in his eyes, but no expectation. You shook your head, and he smiled at you, and gently pressed his lips to your forehead. The way the his mouth curved on your skin almost made you feel good enough to tug at your own frown - almost, but not quite. Jumin looped one hand around your waist, and the other around your knees, pulling you into his arms so that he could walk, when you couldn't gain the strength to do so yourself.
He carried you to the bed you shared, and you nestled your head into his chest, burying your face in his shirt. Jumin was normally so... put together. But now, there were circles under his eyes. His clothes were wrinkled. The scent of his cologne had almost faded away, but you could still smell a hint on his clothes. The familiarity, and the realization that your husband was in this condition because of your actions made you shiver with remorse. Jumin looked at you anxiously after gently placing you on the bed, and lifted your arms so he could slip on the nightgown. The fabric was soft, and you let out a breath you didn't know you were holding as you sunk into the mattress, curling your legs against your chest. As your husband silently left the room, sensing your desire for alone time, you faced the wall, trying to quell your racing thoughts and the burn in your throat. You did not have to look at your palms to know that you had drawn blood, squeezing them tightly to try to reduce some of the pain you were feeling. It had not worked.
You lay there, second after second, and every breath felt laborious - almost painful. Even with the medicine pumped out of your system, everything felt slightly slower - more laggy than usual, like you were moving through molasses. The minutes seemed endless. A mewing sound echoed from the kitchen, and you rolled over, glancing around for Elizabeth. Jumin had left your door open, and he was standing next to the stove, palms pressed to the counter as he leaned over, lost in thought. His magnificent silhouette cast a shadow while Elizabeth the 3rd ran around his legs, pressing her head against them. He bent down to pet her, softly running his hands across her fur, but even that didn't seem to soothe the tension which was visible in every muscle of his slender frame. As if he sensed your eyes on him, Jumin turned around to meet your gaze. The look on his face sent a sharp pain of regret through your stomach - the usual, incredibly focused, intense love was there, but it had an added layer of fear: one you had not seen since before the RFA Party. He walked into the room, and a familiar, firm hand grasped your shoulder. Jumin had sat on the bed beside you, and his breathing sounded strangely deliberate. His eyes were raking across you as though he was worried you would disappear if you weren't examined thoroughly enough.
"I made tea… for your throat." You glanced over at the bedside table and saw a mug which was one of many presents he had given you for your birthday. It would have been out of character for Jumin before he met you, not extravagant, but deeply personal - and was a testament to the way your relationship had grown. A blurry picture of Elizabeth (one he had taken) was on the side, with the caption, "I think you're purrfect."
"Thanks," you said, smiling meekly. You took the warm cup from his loving hand, and sipped it, feeling a twinge of humor. It was weak - basically hot water. It was unsurprising that Jumin didn't know how to make his own tea - that was usually your job, the personal chef's, or (regrettably) sometimes Jaehee's - but endlessly endearing. Even though the tea leaves hadn't added much in flavor, the warm water did somewhat calm the the ragged feeling, and you sighed, relaxing back into the bed. Jumin crawled beside you, burying his head in your hair and inhaling the scent of your shampoo, wrapping his arms around your waist to pull you closer.
"Don't leave me," he murmured. You felt your breath hitch as a sob caught in your throat, and you rolled over to face him.
"You would be better off without me."
"No!" Every muscle in his body was suddenly rigid. "No. Why would you say that? Princess, I need you. Life, before, was so lonely. I was unable to understand others and unable to be understood. Completely isolated. I can't go back to living like that."
"I'm not good enough for you… That's what my parents told me." You squeezed your eyes shut, bracing for his reaction.
"They are wrong. You should ignore them," he said steadily. His tone was cool, but you could feel the upset, manifesting as tremors in his hands, threatening to overwhelm him. You could almost hear his teeth grinding.
"It's my family. How can I?" You sincerely doubted that you would ever be able to heal these wounds - years of insults and putdowns at the hands of your family had had set thought patterns that felt impossible to break. An entire childhood spent hating yourself was a burden you would always shoulder. It wasn't that family was intrinsically important to you - but they were the people you had known the longest. It was impossible to escape their influence. Once you found yourself falling down those holes, it became too much to bear. And that's why you had to turn to prescriptions to help yourself so often.
"You don't need them. I'm your family now. The RFA is. Even C&R - our employees love you. Don't the people who love you for who you are mean so much more? This is a group of people who cherish you. Who value you. Especially me." The only they thought highly of you - any of them, was because they didn't know you.
"It's not just my family... tonight proves everything I've been thinking. More trouble than I'm worth. You saw a side of me that I don't like very much. I'm so ashamed... I never wanted you to know that I was so screwed up. If, after tonight, you decide you don't want to be with me anymore, I don't blame you.
"MC, when I was at my darkest - when my threads were tangled so tightly that I couldn't breathe, and I felt afraid to even let you leave my apartment, you stayed there for me, through everything. You didn't let the fact that I was struggling change your feelings for me. Why would I do that to you?"
"It's different."
"You saw a side of me... one which is dark, and not very attractive. It was something I had never shown anyone, but you didn't turn away from me. Your unhappiness isn't a character flaw, MC. I would never stop loving you because you were hurting."
"I made you worry. I... hurt you. I'm sorry." Tears pricked at the corners of your eyes, and Jumin exhaled deeply. His response was so... warm. So empathetic. The kinder he was to you, the worse you felt for hurting him.
"You shouldn't be sorry because of me."
"What?"
"You should be sorry for yourself. Since the first day I told you I loved you, I have had one request of you - always think of yourself first."
"I can't do that. I don't matter... I'm just... worthless. "
"No. You are not worthless." He sighed, looking away. You could see the gears turning in his mind, and your heart ached for putting him in this position. "How can I make you believe it?" He asked, almost as an afterthought.
"Do you? Believe it?" You knew his answer, but he could tell you that he loved you a million times, and you suspected that there would always be a part of you which had trouble believing it.
"MC, I'm one of the wealthiest men in this country, but I would give up every cent for you. You are worth more than anything, to me."
"I can't imagine why." He sighed.
"Don't insult my taste."
"What do you mean?"
"When you insult yourself, it's rude to me."
"I don't mean it like that."
"But it is like that. You're insulting my woman. My wife. My most loved person. Do you really believe I have such low standards? Is that what you think of me?" You shook your head, and he squeezed you a little tighter. "Then you need to think more highly of yourself. You're the one I love, and if you respect me, that means something about you as well. Don't be so unconfident." He shifted your hair out of the way and gently brushed his lips against your neck.
"I love you too," you said, warmth chipping at the ice that you had frozen around your heart as you saw the corners of his lips tug and a slight flush grace his cheeks. You didn't realize, until then, how much you'd been holding back from him. How much of yourself you had locked away. But Jumin, he was so… himself, no matter who you were, and loving you was a part of him now. Hearing him speak, you realized that your own flaws would never take away his passion or his dedication. Jumin was steadfast in his identity, and commitment was the fabric of it. No matter how imperfect you felt, that would never go away. Even if you couldn't trust yourself to be worthy, you could trust him to adore you and fight for you, every single step of the way. That wasn't enough to fix you. It wasn't enough to alleviate your mental health struggles or your trust issues. It was, however, enough to let you open up to him. At least for now.
"Then take care of yourself. Just… think about it this way. Imagine how you would feel if Elizabeth 3rd did something like that. Wouldn't it upset you?" You frowned, trying to find his angle.
"Confused. She's a brilliant cat, but I didn't realize she could open pill bottles now." He took a minute to chuckle, and the sound reminded you of a crackling fire. It's warmth wanted to pull you in.
"Not what I meant. Elizabeth 3rd is special to me and to you. It would hurt you to see her suffer. If you care about me, you wouldn't want that for her. So you certainly shouldn't do it to yourself."
"Okay," you mumbled.
"What's that, princess? I can't hear you."
"Okay," you said, voice a little louder. "It will be hard, but I'll do my best to take better care of myself. But these urges… My problems… they can't be solved by a lot of love and some logic. I wish it could. I'm just… broken."
"You aren't. You are hurting, but you aren't broken. And even if you were, I would spend every moment of my life piecing you back together. So tell me, dearest. What can I do?" You could hear a hint of frustration in his voice. Jumin was a problem solver, but unfortunately, even his brilliant mind probably couldn't work through the deep shame inside of you.
"… I don't know." He sighed deeply.
"I'll get you doctors - the best around. Therapy, if you need it. If you're scared, we can go together. I will hold your hand through every session and pull you close when you cry. I can help you. Please, let me." You nuzzled your head into his chest and then looked up at him. He gently pressed his lips to yours. When he pulled away, his gaze was magnetic and desperate. The ownership in his eyes told you that he would throw himself over a cliff for a chance to save you. "Be careful with my heart, MC. It is yours entirely. Please don't shatter it."
Author note: Thanks for reading! Please leave a review if you liked what you read or have any thoughts! I also would love to know if you have any ideas about where you would like the story to go next - who do you want to read?
