"How's it going, J.J.?" asked Arleen, as J.J. emerged into the living room and collapsed into a chair.
He sighed heavily. "I'm beginning to think it's a miracle we were ever conceived, Leenie."
"With the way Mom's always all over Dad, I think it's a miracle we weren't conceived years ago," retorted Arleen.
"Don't get me wrong – I love Dad," said J.J. "But I'm not sure why Mom fawns over him with that kind of obsessive passion. And I need to figure it out, and fast."
"Hey, sonny boy, if I saw the shrink and said, 'Give me ten minutes and a whoopie cushion and you'll see why I call it the Big J,' you think that would be a good opening chat-up line?" asked Joker, entering the room.
"I think she mostly finds stuff like that cute, I guess?" said Arleen, as J.J. rolled his eyes.
"Dad, for the last time, charm at first!" he snapped.
"That is charming!" retorted Joker. "Jokes are always charming! Geez, I must be a pretty crap father to you if I ain't even taught you that!"
"You have, Dad, but you've also taught me that sometimes women need to be handled carefully," replied J.J.
"Well, that's true," agreed Joker, nodding. "They ain't got a sense of humor, for the most part. My daughter always excepted, of course," he said, smiling at Arleen.
"So rather than just going in, jokes blazing, why don't you try a little finesse?" asked J.J.
"Like what?" asked Joker.
J.J. shrugged. "Like the kinda crap you see in romantic comedies – compliments, flowers, chocolates, that kinda stuff. Trust me, no woman can resist a handsome guy who can pull off sincere. That's what the dames like."
"Because they got no sense of humor," agreed Joker, nodding. "Worth a try, I suppose."
"Dad, what do you think attracts women to you?" asked Arleen.
Joker snorted. "Dumb question, honey. Just look at me! I got it all! Looks, brains, great sense of humor – I'm like the ideal guy in all those personal ads!"
"And have you ever actually had women romantically interested in you before?" asked Arleen.
Joker thought for a moment. "Well, not explicitly," he replied. "But sometimes you catch these looks of longing in the hostages eyes, and you almost feel bad for having to cut them out and send them to their families with a note about them being blinder than Batsy now. Good gag, though, so you don't really. Oh, and I did once have a criminal rival called The Sparrow who seemed unusually keen to have me work under her, if you get what I'm saying. But she was a dominatrix sex maniac type, so she probably felt that way about a lotta guys. God, I really hope I never meet her again – the last thing I'd wanna be stuck with for the rest of my life is some nymphomaniac blonde."
Arleen and J.J. shared a look. "What?" asked Joker, noticing it.
"Nothing," said J.J., hastily. "So…if we get you back to Arkham, what are you gonna say to Mom?"
"That I came back to see her," said Joker. "Because I couldn't get her out of my mind. I couldn't concentrate on plans and schemes for the Bat because I couldn't stop thinking about her."
"There you go – that's great!" exclaimed J.J. "See, you can do this! He can do this, Leenie," he said, smiling at his sister. "And you were worried!"
"How's the time machine coming along, Uncle Jervis?" asked Arleen, as Tetch entered the room.
"Slowly," sighed Tetch. "I shall need much, much more tea, but fortunately it's always teatime in Wonderland. I must say, this would all be so much easier if I was in Wonderland – I could just murder time again," he muttered, storming off into the kitchen.
"Boy, he used to be a lot crazier," commented J.J.
"Would anybody like some tea?" asked Crane, emerging from his room. "I was going to make myself a cup…"
"Your boyfriend's already got it covered," interrupted Joker, nodding toward the kitchen. "It's kinda cute how you can sense each other's needs and stuff – I guess that's what happens when you're in a relationship for a long time. Certainly true for me and Batsy!" he chuckled.
"Jervis is not my boyfriend," growled Crane.
"Kiddies, can you tell Johnny if he has the courage to come outta the closet in the future?" asked Joker.
"Shut up!" snapped Crane, sitting down next to Arleen. "I must say, my dear, you don't look at all like your father, and I mean that as a compliment," he said. "Your mother must be stunning."
"Yeah, she is!" chuckled Joker. "And I get to bang her in the future!"
"Mom's really pretty," agreed Arleen. "But I don't resemble her much except for the eyes, I don't think. My hair's naturally blonde, like hers, but…I don't feel much like a blonde, so I dye it."
"The whole look is utterly gorgeous – the beauty of darkness," said Crane.
"Yeah, that's Goth," agreed Arleen. "Me and my friend Damian are part of that subculture – we dress this way to express our inner darkness and pain and turmoil."
"Goodness, I wish that had been allowed in my day," sighed Crane. "I was taught to bottle all of that up inside, and look where it's got me today."
"Yeah, you're used to bottling things up inside," agreed Joker, nodding. "Your inner darkness and pain and turmoil…your sexuality…"
"For the last time, I'm not gay!" snapped Crane.
"Anyway, what are you and this Damian so depressed about?" asked Joker, ignoring him. "Can't speak for him, but surely my daughter has gotta be fairly happy and carefree?"
"Well, that's kinda the problem, Dad," agreed Arleen, slowly. "Geez, it feels weird talking to you about this, since you are my Dad, but you're not yet…I just feel this pressure as the Joker's daughter to be constantly happy and cheerful, like you, only…that's not how I feel most of the time. And I don't wanna have to hide away my darkness and pretend to be something I'm not."
"Well, who's forcing you to?" he asked. "Not me, I hope – I ain't a believer in hiding or repressing anything!" he chuckled.
"Clearly," agreed J.J.
"Not you," said Arleen. "But I do…worry about disappointing you. And other people expect the Joker's daughter to act a certain way…"
"To hell with other people," interrupted Joker. "If I've taught you one thing as a father, I hope I've taught you that! Never listen to anybody else's voice but your own. Even if you got a lotta 'em chattering away in your head like I do!" he chuckled, rapping on his skull. "Anyway, I think you're worrying over nothing. I'm a hard guy to disappoint. Otherwise I would have given up on Batsy years ago."
He shrugged. "Still, you seem like a smart kid. I'm sure you'll grow outta this inner darkness and turmoil stuff. Unlike some losers here who are stuck with it for life."
"Teatime!" said Tetch, cheerfully, as he entered the room just as Crane raised a fist to punch Joker. "I have scones and crumpets and cake, not the kind that makes you grow to unusual size like poor Alice, which I think is very fortunate for all of us. We've had quite enough unusual occurrences today with time travel and visitors from the future and breakouts from Arkham."
"That last one ain't unusual," retorted Joker. "We call it a Monday."
"Good one, Dad," chuckled J.J.
Arleen picked up her teacup, and then suddenly dropped it, crying out in pain. "What is it, my dear?" asked Crane. "Did you burn yourself?"
"No," she whispered. "It's…inside me…ah!" she cried, doubling over suddenly.
"Boy, you weren't kidding about that inner pain," commented Joker, as J.J. rushed over to his sister.
"Leenie, what is it?" he murmured. And then he too cried out in pain as he felt a searing, burning sensation inside, running from his heart and shooting through his whole body.
"Oh no," murmured Tetch. "Oh no, no, no! It's happening, isn't it? You're starting to be erased!"
"Yeah, not for the first time either," whispered J.J. "But we can still…fix this!" he hissed through gritted teeth. He and his sister clung on to each other until the pain subsided – it lasted almost twice as long as the last attack, and hurt a lot more.
"You have to hurry," said Tetch. "Get the Joker back to Arkham now. Getting him and your mother together is the only way to fix the future and prevent these attacks from happening. I'll work on the time machine while you're gone, but your first priority is your parents."
"Ok, let's go," said J.J., straightening up carefully and then helping his sister to her feet. "Dad, you've seen how serious the situation is. Please don't let us down."
"Goodness, yes, it's no joke," said Crane.
"No, it's an emergency," agreed Tetch. "And you know what this means, don't you?"
Everyone just looked at him. "It's the gravest of all situations," murmured Tetch. "And it calls for the gravest of all measures. I'm cancelling teatime," he said, standing up and heading back to work.
