Disclaimer: these characters are not mine – they belong to JK Rowling
AN: Here it is, the final chapter (Epilogue) for this story. I hope you all enjoy! Thank you all again for the lovely reviews! it's been fun writing this travesty! There's not nearly enough use of the term "Roast Beef Curtains" in Harry Potter, so I took it upon myself to remedy that...lol
~~Epilogue~~
"So how are we going to do this? I have no way to even find Harry at this point, and Order Headquarters is long since gone, not that I could have just shown up on their doorstep anyway with them believing I am a traitor…" She asked massaging away the headache that was forming at her temples.
"I believe we need to think bigger." He said contemplatively.
"What do you mean?" she asked
"Have you heard the expression 'shoot first, ask questions later?' I believe that is what would happen should we return to our prospective sides as it stands. I think we need to go public under a neutral medium first in order for them to fully grasp the situation." He said.
"By neutral medium, are you referring to the Daily Prophet?!" Hermione squeaked in surprise.
"Exactly." He said grinning evilly.
Hermione's stomach did a little flip flop at the thought of Harry and Ron reading about her involvement with Voldemort in the newspaper.
"Are you sure there isn't a better way?" she asked.
"None that I can think of. The rumors have already been flying anyway, but this will allow us to set the record straight on all counts. Once the story is out there, we should attempt contact. I'm sure your people will be more open minded once they understand the full implications of the potion, however my Death Eaters will require more convincing..." He said with an evil smile. Hermione had the feeling he would enjoy "convincing" them.
"So what do you suggest?" she sighed.
"I think I know just the person we need." He said with a smirk.
~~{0}~~
"Did it have to be her?" Hermione whined for the umpteenth time.
"Yes. Miss Skeeter has served me well in the past."
"I bet she has." Hermione grumbled under her breath
"I heard that." Tom said in a warning tone.
"I meant you to." Hermione crossing her arms over her chest.
"Just what are you implying?" He asked her, returning her glare.
"Oh, I don't know…Mister 'fucking and dating are two very different things'." Hermione snapped.
He smirked at her knowingly, "You're jealous."
"Of that cow? Hardly." Hermione sniffed. And feigned interest in her fingernails.
"Yes you are, you think I slept with her, and you're jealous." He prodded.
"Well, didn't you? That is what you meant, wasn't it?" Hermione said incredulously.
"Actually, I haven't." He said crossing his arms and waiting for her response.
"You…haven't?" Hermione repeated feeling a bit of relief wash over her. Not that she would admit it.
"No. She tried, I won't deny that, but I passed her off to Dolohov instead." He explained.
Hermione looked at him skeptically, "And why would you do a thing like that?" she pushed.
She watched as he tried to bite back a smirk unsuccessfully, "She had far too much practice." He said cryptically.
"What does that even mean?" Hermione asked exasperatedly
"It would have been like tossing a wand into the Great Hall. Thank you, but no." He laughed.
Hermione burst out laughing. This was too good.
"Fine. I'll do the stupid interview." Hermione finally conceded.
"Good." Tom smirked back at her.
~~{0}~~
"Miss Granger, we find ourselves here once again, sitting down to discuss your famous conquests." Rita Skeeter said haughtily while her quick quotes quill flew at rapid speed hovering beside her.
"I beg your pardon?" Hermione snapped, "I hardly think that is relevant considering that none of that garbage you previously printed about me was even remotely true."
"Oh no? That Bulgarian bon bon, Viktor Krum, seems to disagree." Rita retorted.
Hermione pinched the bridge of her nose in irritation. She would not kill this woman. She would not...
"Miss Skeeter, can we please focus on what we are here to accomplish today?" Hermione said smoothly changing the subject.
"Ah yes, your new found love with He Who Must Not Be Named…" Rita said bitterly.
"Do you have a problem with my relationship, Miss Skeeter?" Hermione asked in a bored tone, "Because it seems to me that you are just jealous." Hermione said smirking at the witch in front of her.
"Jealous? How preposterous! Why in Merlin's name would I be jealous of a little girl?" Rita snapped
"Oh, I don't know, maybe because he rejected your advances?" Hermione said feeling a slow smile spread across her face at the look of shock on the other woman's face.
"Oh yes, he told me about that. I believe the words he used was something like, 'tossing a wand into the Great Hall.'" Hermione said.
"I'm sure I don't know what that is supposed to even mean." Rita sniffed.
"Oh sure you do, you know, that you're loose, sloppy, that you have roast beef curtains…shall I continue?" Hermione smirked crossing her arms over her chest.
The look on Rita's face was murderous now, "How dare you, you filthy little mudblood!" Rita shrieked at her
"I would watch your tongue, if I were you, you would want to upset my fiancé." Hermione said as Tom strolled into the room looking as sexy as ever. The witch paled and stuttered.
"Of…of course. Shall we continue with the interview then?" Rita said icily.
"Of course." Hermione said giving her best fake smile.
"So how did the two of you meet? In regards to your relationship, of course." Rita asked stiffly.
"Well, as you know, we, that is, Harry, Ron and I, had been fighting Voldemort for some time. We were moving from place to place, trying to find a way to stop him when we were captured by snatchers in the Forest of Dean." Hermione began to explain.
"And what exactly were you and Misters Potter and Weasley doing during that time?" Rita asked
"I'm not going to answer that." Hermione said flatly.
"Very well. After you were captured by Snatchers, what happened then?"
"We were taken to Malfoy Manor to be interrogated by his Death eaters, only Harry and Ron Managed to escape with Dobby." Hermione continued.
"And who is Dobby? Another past flame of yours perhaps?" Rita asked with a raised eyebrow.
Hermione gritted her teeth, "Dobby is a house elf." Hermione deadpanned.
"Far be it for me to judge." Rita said mockingly.
Hermione scoffed, and then continued her tale, "As I was saying, They escaped, but couldn't get to me, so I was left behind."
Rita clicked her tongue in mock sympathy, "It must've hurt a great deal when your former lover left you behind."
Hermione said through clenched teeth, "For the millionth time, Harry and I were never involved. Friends only, Purely platonic. Like brother and sister."
"If you say so. Shall we continue?"
"After being tortured by Bellatrix, I was taken to the cellar to await the Dark Lord. After some time, Wormtail came to retrieve me for him, and took me up to a room to shower." Hermione explained.
Rita blanched, "Shower, why on earth would he want you to shower before questioning you?"
"I don't know, why don't you ask him? Maybe he found my odor offensive after two weeks on the run without one, who knows! It's beside the point." Hermione sighed.
"Okay, so after you showered, what happened?"
"Wormtail brought me into his audience chamber. He insulted and threatened me of course, and then asked Wormtail to bring us two glasses of whiskey."
"And why would he do that?" Rita asked.
"According to him, he just wanted a drink himself and was just messing with me." Hermione shrugged.
"I see, how…charming." Rita replied.
"Not exactly the word I would use, but in any case, when Wormtail returned with a tray of drinks, of which there were three, Voldemort took two glasses and asked Wormtail to leave us. I was given a glass, and he took one for himself. I of course wasn't about to drink anything handed to me by the Dark Lord, so I just sat there waiting for him to finally torture or kill me."
"Understandable." Rita interjected.
"Well, Voldemort took a sip of his whiskey, and that is when things became odd. He stared at me for quite some time, which, I have to say was particularly unnerving. Then the next thing I knew, he was reciting lines from Romeo and Juliet to me. It's a play about two doomed lovers written by the muggle author, Shakespeare."
"Fascinating. And what did you do?" Rita asked, actually interested to hear Hermione's response.
"Naturally, I tried to flee." Hermione said as if it the answer were obvious.
"I see. What did he do then?" Rita asked
"Well, he continued to pursue me, and when he finally managed to catch me, he…kissed me." Hermione said awkwardly.
"And you did not return his attentions?" Rita asked disbelievingly.
"Of course not! He had killed my best friend's parents, as well as countless other people, and would have only been to happy to see me die as well. To say that I was Gobsmacked was an understatement."
"But you still returned his kiss?" Rita asked narrowing her eyes at Hermione.
Hermione squirmed uncomfortably in her seat, "Well, yes, I had a minor lapse in judgement for only a moment, but I can hardly be blamed for that. I was under a lot of stress." Hermione shot back
"Can't you?" Rita asked raising an eyebrow in question
"It all happened so quickly, and I was confused. Before I knew what was happeneing, I realized something was different. He broke the kiss, and my mouth fell open in shock. One minute he looked like a bald, noseless-"
"I'm sitting right here you know." Tom interjected narrowing his eyes at her.
"Right, well, I'm just being honest." Hermione shrugged, "Besides, you look much better now anyway."
He smirked.
"As I was saying, his appearance had suddenly changed. It occurred to me that he had to have ingested some kind of love potion, but I was baffled as to how or why it could have altered his appearance as it had. A few moments later, Bellatrix walked in on us…er…" Hermione trailed off
"She had her tongue down my throat and was attempting to remove my clothes." Tom interjected with a smirk.
Hermione sighed, "Don't print that."
Rita smirked evilly, "Please continue, Miss Granger."
"Bellatrix disarmed him thinking he was an intruder, possibly an Order member making a poor attempt at rescuing me using ill-timed Polyjuice potion. You see, he was still wearing his robes, and he had his wand, though he looked completely different."
"The robes you hadn't managed to remove, you mean." Rita interjected with a smirk.
"Obviously. Bellatrix was about to curse us, and I knew the only way I could apparate was to take him with me, since the wards around Malfoy Manor would allow him to come and go but not myself. He and Bella were arguing, but I didn't wait for her curse to hit it's mark, and I grabbed hold of his arm and got us out of there." Hermione explained.
"I see, and where did you go? Without a wand no less?"
"I brought us to my parent's cottage in the South of France. It was a muggle area, and I knew no one would think to look for us there."
"And were you not at all concerned about what would happen when and if the potion wore off?" Rita asked, her curiosity piqued.
"Of course I did! I took a small measure of comfort knowing that he too was without a wand, although truthfully, he did still threaten to kill me the muggle way once the potion wore off."
"I didn't actually do it." He interrupted again, shrugging off her comment dismissively
Hermione scoffed.
"So the two of you, bitter enemies, were trapped together in a muggle cottage without your wands. What happened next?" Rita asked making it sound as if this were a particularly bad smut novel.
"Oh, the usual I suppose. He insulted me, I insulted him, He accused me of trying to poison him, I threw a salt shaker at his head after he insulted my cooking…" Hermione trailed off.
Rita's eyes widened at Hermione's cavalier attitude about insulting the Dark Lord. One did not simply insult the Dark Lord.
"Eventually, we realized in order to figure out what to do that we needed to make a temporary truce. We discussed what the potion could have been, both of us in agreement that it was definitely a love potion of some sort. Then, we contacted Professor Snape." Hermione explained.
"Severus Snape." Rita confirmed.
"Yes, how many Professor Snape's do you know?" Hermione rolled her eyes, "Anyway, we mailed him a letter through the muggle post so as to not risk getting anyone's attention. We left him a phone number, and a week later he had made contact."
"You're skipping over the best part." Tom interrupted once again, a knowing smirk on his lips.
"And what part would that be? The part where you offered your services to unburden me from my virginity?" Hermione raised an eyebrow
Rita choked as she took a sip of her water.
"So your relationship had progressed during this time, I take it?" Rita clarified.
"Yes, if by progress you mean that I decided I didn't want to die a virgin, and agreed to let him shag me. He did have a very convincing argument." Hermione said matter of fact.
"And was it then that you realized you were in love with him?" Rita prodded
Hermione scoffed, "As if."
Tom just raised an eyebrow at her from his seat in the corner.
"So when was it, would you say that you fell in love?" Rita rephrased the question.
"Well, it's complicated. We found out after speaking with Professor Snape, that the potion he had accidentally imbibed was the Amortentia. You see, Wormtail had apparently been planning to slip it to Bellatrix after years of unrequited love, and Voldemort had inadvertantly picked up the wrong glass that night. Snape also confirmed that the Amortentia had an interesting side effect. It seems that when someone ingests the potion, and shares a kiss with their true intended as determined by fate, the power of true love's kiss would reverse any dark curses upon the drinker. In Voldemort's case, it restored both his body and his soul. In addition, even if two people who are intended have not yet fallen in love, the potion would still work the same. Should someone imbibe the potion and kiss someone who is not their intended, they would die in a matter of weeks. Professor Snape couldn't be sure what would happen, since we had only ever been mortal enemies." Hermione explained.
"Riveting! How was it you came to fall in love?" Rita asked really wanting to know herself.
"Honestly, I'm not sure exactly when it happened. Maybe it was his quick wit, or his shy glances. It certainly wasn't his charm." Hermione said smirking at Tom.
"Nor was it your impeccable fashion sense, or your cooking." Tom retorted.
"Feeling like we had to do something rather than sitting around to see if Voldemort would die, we decided to travel to Italy using muggle transportation to do some research in the magical library there." Hermione continued
"Muggle Transportation?" Rita asked
"Yes, a Muggle airplane, which I can say Voldemort was not a fan of until he discovered the mile high club." Hermione said offhand
"And that would be?" Rita asked in confusion.
"Shagging in an tiny airplane bathroom at 10,000 feet." Hermione smirked.
"Oh." Rita flushed looking over at Tom who was grinning devilishly at Hermione.
"We discovered at the library an additional clause to the Amortentia. If two people are intended and have shared in true love's kiss, the potions immediate effects would wear off in a matter of hours rather than a matter of weeks, as it had for us. Additionally, it stated that if those two people chose to remain apart, they would both die of a broken heart."
"That really should be more than just a foot note in the text, it is a rather signigficiant detail, wouldn't you agree?" Tom piped in.
"And so based on your research, you both came to the logical conclusion that you were in fact intended for each other, and you now faced the decision of dying apart or choosing to live together." Rita reiterated.
"Yes. We both had no desire to die, so it seemed like a no brainer. However, telling our respective peers of this new development seemed a bit tricky." Hermione answered.
"Which is why you came to me." Rita said flatly.
"Precisely. We wanted to get the story out there, as it really happened. There had been rumors, which we wanted to put to rest." Hermione explained.
"Such as the one where you had been a spy for Voldemort since your frst year at Hogwarts and returned to his side to help him finally take down Harry Potter?" Rita asked with a cruel smirk.
"That is utter nonsense. I am quite certain that I have proved my loyalties time and again to the light." Hermione snapped.
"Of course you have." Rita simpered disbelievingly, "And where do your loyalties lie now, Miss Granger?"
Hermione's breath caught in her throat. She hadn't been anticipating the question, and truthfully, she still wasn't sure she knew how to answer it. She loved Tom now, and killing him was no longer an option. But, she also loved Harry, like family, and knew she couldn't turn her back on him either.
"My loyalties are where they have always been." She said calmly, seeing Tom raise his eyebrow at her from the corner.
"So are you saying you side with Mister Potter?" Rita asked incredulously, shooting a nervous glance at the Dark Lord.
"No, I am saying I side with love and what is right. I cannot support my fiancé if he insists on attempting to kill my best friend, however, I cannot support my best friend if he insists on attempting to kill my fiancé, which ultimately would kill me as well." Hermione said folding her hands in her lap.
It was Tom who spoke up then, "And what of the prophecy? What do you suppose we do about that?"
Hermione shrugged, "I don't know why anyone with half a brain cell would ever take anything Sybil Trelawney said seriously." She deadpanned, "Divination is a load of crap."
"So are you suggesting that both the Dark Lord and Mister Potter bury the hatchet, as it were?" Rita asked in confusion.
"No, of course not. I am not so foolish to think that could ever happen, I mean, Voldemort did kill Harry's parents. I doubt something like that could ever be forgiven." Hermione said.
"So what do you suggest?"
"I suggest that both sides learn to live and let live. Forgiveness need not apply." Hermione said simply.
~~{0}~~
"Harry, did you see the prophet this morning?" Ron asked with wide eyes, looking as if he were about to be sick on his shoes.
"I did." Harry said, offering nothing more, a muscle twitching in his jaw.
"How could she, I mean with Voldemort!" Ron shouted.
"As much as I hate this situation, it doesn't sound as if Hermione had much of a choice." Harry spat.
"She didn't have to shag him though." Ron said swallowing back the bile.
"We need to know if we can still trust her. After everything, I owe her at least the chance to hear it from her own mouth." Harry said bitterly.
Ron nodded, and stood up. Harry had sent an untraceable letter to her asking her to meet him at Godric's Hallow. He needed to know he hadn't lost her.
"Let's go, Mate" Ron said holding out the portkey they would use to transport them there.
After an uncomfortable few minutes of flying through the air, they landed in Godric's Hallow. Hermione was already there, alone as instructed, waiting for them in the cemetery.
Hermione looked at her feet as they approached, afraid to see the accusation in their eyes. Over the years, she had risked her life for them time and again. She desperately hoped that they could see that she never meant for any of this to happen.
"So you didn't bring him with you then." Harry said shortly, anger lacing his tone.
"Of course not, Harry. I threated to curse him if he followed me." Hermione told him, "Look, Harry, I never intended for any of this to happen. There was something much bigger at work here, and all we can do is play the hand that we are dealt." Hermione said softly, her eyes pleading with him to understand.
"What do you expect me to do, Hermione? He killed my parents! He tried many times to kill me! He killed Dumbledore-"
"Technically, Snape did that." Hermione corrected, and quickly shut her mouth when he glared at her.
"Same thing, Snape was his puppet." Harry spat.
"I know he did all of those terrible things, Harry. I am not asking you to forgive him, or even forget. I could never ask that of you. I just don't want you to hate me because of this." Hermione said wiping away the tear the slipped down her cheek.
Harry sighed and rubbed his hand over his face, "Hermione, I could never hate you." He said tiredly.
Hermione let out a relieved breath, "His horcruxes are gone. The potion made him mortal again." She told him, and Ron's eyes widened.
"So that means we can kill him?" he said as he nudged Harry.
"It means that he can die, yes, however if you kill him, you kill me too." Hermione said looking at them sadly.
Ron's mouth dropped open, and Harry reached out to grab her hand in his.
"I would never do that to you, Hermione. As much as I hate him, I'll stay out of his way if he agrees to stay out of mine. If he comes after me again, I will defend myself, Hermione, even if that means killing him." Harry said seriously.
"That's all that I could ask for, Harry." Hermione said quietly, "I think I have found a way to void the prophecy." She told him.
"How?" Harry asked curiously.
"An unbreakable vow." Hermione answered.
"What do you mean?" Ron asked
"If you and Voldemort make an unbreakable vow to never try to harm each other again, it should work. The price for breaking the unbreakable vow is death, so should one of you break it, the prophecy would be fulfilled by the vow you made regardless. Should you leave each other in peace, you will both live, and the prophecy would be irrelevant." Hermione explained,
"I suppose an unbreakable vow is the only way I could trust him to keep his word." Harry said mulling the idea over in his mind.
"I'll talk to him." Hermione promised.
With that, she pulled them both into a hug and then apparated away.
~~{0}~~
"You want me to what?!" he roared.
"It's the only way he would agree to it." She soothed rubbing his shoulders
"Hermione…" he began
"Please? Can't you just do this one thing for me?" Hermione pleaded.
"One thing? Hermione, I've done lots of things for you." He scoffed.
"Name one." She challenged placing her hands on her hips.
"I haven't killed Mrs. Robilard." He said, as if he was doing her a great service.
Hermione snorted, "Oh Please, you haven't killed her because everytime she drops by she brings you pie and gushes over how handsome you are. You're hardly doing that for my benefit."
"Okay, fine. I asked you to marry me, didn't I?"
"So what are you saying, that you don't wish to be married to me, and that you only asked me to shut me up?" She asked incredulously.
"Well, I admit, being married will have its benefits when I take over as Minister of Magic, but mostly, I was just tired of listening to you whine about it." He said shrugging.
Hermione huffed indignantly and threw the book she had been holding at his head.
"Why are you always throwing things at me?" he asked
"Why are you are you always such a git?" she answered
Tom sighed.
"Fine. If I make the stupid vow with Potter will that make you happy?" he asked in a resigned tone.
Hermione beamed, "Yes. Have you figured out what you are going to do about the Death Eaters?" she asked
"Already done." He answered.
"What did you do?" she asked quizzically
"After Snape returned my wand, I spent the entire night thoroughly convincing them of my true identity." He grinned evilly.
"Let me guess, the cruciatus?" Hermione sighed.
"The signature of a man's crucio is as unique as his fingerprint. I'm sure none of them will ever forget how mine feels ever again." Tom chuckled.
"Okay, so just because they believe you are in fact the Dark Lord doesn't mean that they will leave Potter and the Order alone." Hermione offered.
"It does if they don't want to be under my wand again." He retorted.
"Point taken."
"So when do I have to do this then?" He sighed.
"As soon as possible I think would be best." She suggested.
~~{0}~~
Two days later, Voldemort stood toe to toe with Harry Potter, both glaring daggers at the other.
"Right so, hold hands." Hermione ordered.
Both sets of eyes turned to her and glared.
"I don't want him touching me." Harry spat
"Well than I highly advise that you avoid reading Broken Innocence." Voldemort scoffed.
"What is that supposed to mean?" Harry asked incredulously
"Google it." Voldemort said biting back a smirk.
Harry looked over at Hermione, who was just shaking her head as if to say, 'don't do it.' Harry sighed and he reached out his hand and gritted his teeth, "Let's just get this over with."
Voldemort clasped his hand and wrinkled his nose in disgust.
"Harry, why don't you go first" Hermione offered.
"Why doesn't he go first?" Harry challeneged.
Voldemort growled in frustration, "Fine Potter, I'll go first for Merlin's sake. I, Voldemort, also known as Tom Riddle, The Dark Lord, You Know who, and He who must not be named, vow to cause no harm to you, Harry Potter."
A silvery thread left the tip of Voldemort's wand and wrapped around their joined hands.
"Now your turn Harry" Hermione prompted.
"Harry gritted his teeth and a muscle in his jaw twitched, "I Harry Potter, also known as the boy who lived, and the chosen one, agree to not seek vengeance against Voldemort for killing my parents and generally just being extremely unpleasant."
"I'm quite certain that last part was unnecessary." Voldemort glared at Harry.
Harry just sneered.
The thread left the tip of Harry's wand and wove around their joined hands, completing the vow.
"There, now if one of you breaks this vow, you'll die." Hermione said with a smile on her face. Both Harry and Voldemort looked at her as if she had lost her mind.
"Well now that that's done, I'm leaving. Later, Hermione." Harry spat
"Broken Innocence, Harry…Go look it up." Voldemort called after him chuckling.
"Tom, that was mean. You best hope that vow you just made to not cause harm to Harry didn't include psychological harm…" Hermione laughed and smacked him on the arm.
"You're ruining all my fun." He frowned at her.
"By the way, I never asked you what you did to punish Bellatrix and Wormtail since this whole mess was their fault." Hermione asked.
"Well, after thinking things over I felt that the punishment needed to fit the crime. Wormtail, unknowingly brought you into my life, so I could hardly punish him for that. However, Bellatrix was the reason we had to go into hiding, so I did punish her in a way most fitting." He said cryptically.
"What did you do?" she asked curiously.
"I had the ministry dissolve her marriage to Rodolphus, and I commanded her to remarry a husband of my choosing."
"Oh? And who may I ask was unlucky enough to be saddled with that crazy bitch?" Hermione asked chuckling.
"Wormtail." He said with a grin.
"And they say you are heartless." Hermione wrapped her arms around his neck and kissed her fiancé.
He smiled against her lips, "If I am without a heart, it is because I gave it to you."
~~Fin~~
