A/N:

As always a million thank you's to everyone who's favourited and followed and most of all to our awesome reviewers it's so lovely to know we're producing work that you like reading too!

We love how you're all discussing the plot and what might happen – and we like that you're interested in the Brendan/Warren dynamic :D Just for clarities sake – they're not brothers, Warren's sister was Brendan's first girlfriend.

As some of you have spotted we're having fun using direct quotes and cannon moments from the show – and this chapter has a lot – we even have a quote within a quote!

Chapter Warning:

This chapters very dark (and so purposefully limited in smut) it's angsty and has adult themes. It's also rather long.

There's reference to child abuse – we appreciate how cannon told this seriously and sensitively and wish to emulate that.

Chapter 7 – Ste Hay

"Still hungwee," Lucas moans, and slithers back into my right side. Yeah it's like slithering, his body is so tiny these days.

I stare at the quarter of the sandwich I saved for myself. Not eaten for days, me. Not since that Amy shared her chips with me, but don't really need to eat do I? And these guys, well they're eight aren't they? I pass it him and he stares at me wide with this look I've not seen, and it's kinda like bitter like selfishness. Good, he needs to learn how to be selfish – they both do.

It's gone in a flash that sandwich. My stomach cains.

Leah's shivering under my left arm, and I stand up to grab her jacket, dress her in it. Her lips are proper blue. Not sure how long we can keep staying here, not sure where else to go though, Tony's away, you know after being caught naked on the farm after being conned by that bit of skirt. Amy wanted to help but her family's a little fucked up too at the moment – her Dad's girlfriends been sleeping with her sister or something. We tried living with Rhys but his pitbull, Jackie, kept snarling at Leah and I don't reckon he's trained it that well. So finally we went to see Darren, you know that bloke I met on army camp those years back, but he said he was too busy helping his Dad with a dog or something – not sure which breed. Anyway don't need none of them. And this is close enough to the shops so that when I go on the rob I don't have to leave Leah and Lucas for too long. And at least it's got a roof, a dripping one true, but we've got a dry enough place here. And that fire I set up out of old newspaper is still burning.

Really need to work out how to wash their clothes soon, it's been about three weeks now right and I'm OK me, but these kids can't live like this.

"So the last person to tell me what innocent is spelt like has to sing the national anthem," I say, I have to kinda be their teacher now don't I? Cant take em to school cos that's where they'll get em and I think I'd be proper dumb if I'd missed out school.

They both start at the same time but Leah messes up that double N, which is good cos she's the one that likes singing.

"That the queens song?"

I nod and she smiles, starting. She really loves singing and she's got a beautiful voice, in another life I reckon she'd go to that X factor, you know when she's old enough and get dead famous. And be happy.

She's like nearly at the end but I hear something moving over by the other end of the warehouse, it sounds a little bigger than a rat. I stick my finger on my lips and she shuts up, it's another game I invented – they get these silly drawings I do on scrap if they shut up first. It moves into the light, the thing that's not a rat, and I can't see it that clearly but it's a man, a big hulky like six foot bloke. I give myself three seconds to be scared, you know like I saw in Lost that one time, before I turn it into another game.

"Sleeping tigers!" I say and Leah and Lucas kinda hide between me and the brick wall, really quiet and really still – like a sleeping tiger.

I grab for the grey woollen blanket, wrapping it around both of them and pull it over my head, I made some eye holes so I can see.

I pull a scary tiger face and they do it too, thinking this game might be fun.

"Who's there?" It's an Irish accent, it seems proper familiar.

Leah's trembling next to me, I fluff her hair tryna pretend this is all alright, that we're safe now. And whatever happens we are safer than we would be back there.

"Come out, come out wherever you are." Someone sings and I definitely remember that voice, it's that Housten bloke - one of the ones who drugged me.

I bite on my bottom lip to stop the panic.

"There's someone over there boss," He says, and then I hear the unmistakeable drag of metal over concrete, I see a piping come closer. "Shall I brain em?"

"No wait that's more than one person." The boss answers and I know that voice now, I know it's him.

But he can't see me like this – I said I was gonna be fine without him didn't I? And if he takes me back to his house I'll get that feeling again you know like falling fast off a cliff and that'll be more dangerous than trying my luck against his brute. I flick my knife open in my pocket.

The blanket is pulled away from us and I stand up to fight.

"Steven," Brady breathes like it's an impulse.

I run at Housten with the knife in my hand, I'm not sure if I can take him, he's a pretty big bloke and not eating means I'm pretty weak but protecting my little bro and sis, keeping 'em safe - there's nothing without that right?

"Daniel, step back," Brady issues the command and Housten bares his teeth clearly up for a fight but does as he's told – another one of Brady's pets then.

So I turn the knife on him, on Brendan Brady. I'm proper in the mood for a good fight.

"Put the knife down," he says and his voice is dead calm like he's not scared of the knife. But I guess he's had a load of anger at him - life like his. Housten's by his side eager to go but Brendan's keeping him back. "You're not gonna stab me Steven."

And then it drops to the floor, the knife right, I didn't really let it go it's more like my body just does what he tells it. And then I can't see owt anymore, and I'm pretty sure I just fell down too.

***K&M***

The next few hours are just flashes of colour. I can't see a lot, but what I do seems really vivid – there's a lot of him - of Brady, and of them - Leah and Lucas. There's one moment they look proper scared and I try to reach out for them but it's like someone's filled my arms with led or something – I can't move. But then it's OK cos Brady's giving them a hug, like a proper hug, one under each arm, and they're smiling then, and Leah even laughs.

He lifts me up then, gives me those old promises about it being OK, and that he's got me - I used to proper believe it when he said things like that. After the car journey. He carries me to his bed again, and tucks me beneath the covers.

The next time I see the twins, they got these teddies, Leah has this white bear wearing a tiara and she looks real happy. She kisses me on the head and tells me she's gonna go have fun. I don't have the strength to open my eyes properly but it's alright innit? Cos we're safe now. So I sleep.

Brady's sitting on the bed next to me when I come to – that intense look in his eyes like he had the last time I woke up here – like he's been watching me or sommit.

"Hey," he breathes deep.

"Where are the kids?"

"Watching a movie with fish and chips, they're OK, a little shaken up, but that's - to be expected… I guess?" He says like he's proper confused. "How long were you guys out there Steven?"

He says and I get it in me to be angry, why the fuck should I tell him anything? But then he's looking at me like he's worried, proper worried, and like he cares or something. And I don't have the energy to fight him so I tell the truth, well something like the truth anyway, not the exact truth cos it's not his problem is it?

"I'm not sure, not more than a week, or two…"

He breathes like he's sucking in air.

"Why didn't you tell me?"

"What would you have done?!" I say, laughing silently – there's nothing no-one could have done. "Anyway, we're over right?!"

I said it to try to remind him it's not his problem. But he looks proper sad for a moment.

"I'm never gonna stop wanting to protect you Steven, you hear me?"

And I almost say I'm not his to protect, almost, but then his finger is trailing over my cheek in that way he does, that way he does and no-one else ever has, like I'm good and pure and like…like he loves me.

But I can't deal with this right now, he makes me feel so confused. Like I can't see straight when I'm with him, but I can't see nothing when I'm not. Like I don't know whether to hit him or kiss him.

And I barely have enough energy to think.

So I say, "Tired, me."

And he nods, "OK I'll go check on the twins, let you get some sleep."

And then he's turning his back on me and I'm gonna be alone again and I can't, I can't take it – I can't.

I cry. Not just for now and the shelter that didn't work and Leah and Lucas. But for the tears I would have cried when Terry first made me do it, if I hadn't been so numb; and the tears I would have cried when I first told my Mam, if I hadn't felt so stupid and selfish; and the tears I would have cried when I was with that bloke with the knife – if I hadn't been so scared. I cry them all, and I think I will possibly cry for the rest of my life and I honestly don't know how to stop. But he's over with me, he lies down next to me, and pulls me to him, lets me burry my head into his shirt, and strokes my back and I feel…

I feel safe.

"I'm never gonna stop protecting you, Steven, I promise."

***K&M***

I caught sleep in his arms. And I slept like I haven't slept in ages, and I guess I haven't not properly.

I had proper good dreams of when things used to be OK. Dreamed mostly of that holiday, you know when I was 13 and the twins were 4, and Mam was off the booze. We went to the beach all the time and we built sandcastles and we ate ice cream, a helluva lot of icecream – Lucas used to be a proper podgy little kid! And every night me and mam used to read them Three Little Pigs, and they smiled every day.

That was the time Terry was out of our lives. Mam promised he wouldn't come back but then he did and made me start the job.

It was real good that holiday. It's odd cos I get this feeling like I'm back there. And when I wake up I don't proper know where I am for a moment.

It's Brady's scent that gets me first. I feel memories of I dunno like long warm hugs and everything's OK for a minute. Until I remember why I'm here. I run down the stairs and Brady's sat at the kitchen table.

"Where are the twins?"

"Asleep in the room there," he smiles at me.

I look in the room he's pointed at and there's two small beds with my two small kids. Leah's bed is all pink and her headboard all fluffy, and Lucas' duvet has cars on it. There's this nightlight of a sea that goes round and round and their both smiling in sleep. It looks like they have proper normal lives. I know they've not, and I know this won't last – Brady's only being nice, cos I fainted innit? But I let myself think that for once they can be the prince and princess they are.

"Spark out after three little pigs," he tells me.

"Leah's favourite that."

"Yeah – she said. They're good kids," he says and it sounds a little like he's congratulating me, like he's proud of me or something.

I look at him then, it's funny cos I didn't know he wore glasses even after all the time we spent together. And he looks kinda cute in them – these proper black big rimmed things. He's reading a newspaper, you know a proper newspaper and I'm not sure I actually know anyone who does that. He looks like he could take care of us.

"Come sit down, there's pizza in the oven." He tells me, and I forgot for a moment how starving I was. "Coffee?"

"Got anything stronger?"

And he sighs cos he hates it when I drink don't he? Refused to put out once just cos he knew I'd been drinking. But then he breathes deeply as his eyes look all over me, and it's like he knows, cos he gets me a glass for the whiskey.

"Just this once," he tells me.

He gets the pizza out and it's pepperoni, and there's this smile on his face - one that he's like trying to hide – like he remembers this pizza's my favourite.

***K&M***

I eat the entire pizza and two big tubs of Ben and Jerry's. I feel dead greedy but he just kept telling me to eat, and I'm proper full now.

"So run away?" He asks eventually.

I nod and shrug, cos that's obvious innit?

"You're gonna have to give me a bit more to go on here Steven," he sighs like I'm stressin' him out, "Are you in trouble?"

But I don't wanna tell him too much do I? He don't need to know all that. So I just say, "Only if they find us."

And he closes his eyes, his head dipping for a bit as he takes off his glasses and rubs his nose.

"OK," he says eventually. "Well you're safe here. All of you's. My sister took the boys to Dublin for a week, left this morning, so you can stay, you know as long as you like."

And he looks like he means it and like he don't want nothing in return. And I feel proper dumb then cos all I can say is, "thanks."

***K&M***

We moved to the lounge, he put on the telly – Jeremy Kyle. Which is dead cool of him cos he hates it but knows I like it.

The conversations been easy, proper normal and then it's not cos he bought up footie and I mentioned I'd missed the big game, and now he's just looking at me like I'm gonna talk to him and I have to don' I? Not because of tonight and how he's been with the telly and the pizza and the whiskey. Or because I owe him for looking after Leah and Lucas and reading to them, and giving Leah that toy. But because I wanna tell him, cos the things he knows just feel better don't they? Because he changes everything and makes it OK again.

"They couldn't stay," I say thinking of Leah and Lucas, and my voice and my hands are kinda shaking cos I've not proper thought about this before – just really spent this last month doing what I had to to keep 'em safe like.

I pick up the whiskey glass and hold it out to him and he fills it, but rolls his eyes.

I talk some more then. "They said they wanted to have them, Leah and Lucas, they said they were gonna use them too, the way they use me. To get those same kicks. But they're 8, Brady. Eight years old, they're too young. They're too fucking young."

His entire face goes proper white, like ghost white and now his hands are shaking.

"Steven, are you - are you talking about sex?"

But it's not sex is it, not proper sex. Cos sex is what I had with him… past tense? I'm not sure. Sex is exciting and fun, and you feel good after and kinda powerful and - liked. So what those people do isn't sex is it? Sex don't make you feel dirty and like there's something in you that's always going to be disgusting and revolting. It don't make you feel like you deserve to be used.

"It's not sex…" I tell him, and he seems to know what I mean, his eyes are proper dark now. "I said they could do whatever they want to me y'know instead. I mean not a lot more they could do to me now, I've even had the knife innit? But dunno guess they think I'm too old now I can ask for it or sommit."

"You never should have said that, Steven." He speaks like he's angry, that he thinks I'm weak.

But this thing I do - this job I do that's not sex - I'm not weak for doing it am I? Not for the reasons I do it.

"Ah you proper don't get it do you? What it's like to be one of us, we had the landlords knocking and the baliffs knocking and the dealers knocking and they all needed money and we didn't have none so had to innit? It was their suggestion, Mum said. It was the only way."

"Steven, listen to me, that is never the only way." His words are quiet and come through his gritted teeth so they sound like hard.

"Maybe in your world, I was 14 anyway right, so it's not like I was proper young. It felt good at first, you know like I was doing something for the family, being the man Dad said I had to be before he left."

I do this job for my family, me. I do it to make things better and easier and keep 'em all safe and happy. I'd always do anything for that. I look at Brady in his sharp suit, in his proper massive house, in his good life – he's never gonna get that is he?

"See it's all different in your world, you're the guys with the power, you won't get it."

"You lie in bed at night listening to the footsteps, working out who it is?" He asks really quietly, I nod.

"And when you hear your door close your room's suddenly smaller, like your walls are closing in?"

Yeah, I guess he must have read this in a newspaper or sommit.

"And when it's happening you think about school, do maths, recite French, anything to stop you from thinking what's actually happening?"

Yeah, it's proper odd these things he's saying – like he knows, I forgot that way he looked at me on our first night.

"And you think at least if it's me it's not them, least I can keep them safe."

Yeah. My skin feels all cold and clammy all of a sudden.

"And when it's over they pat you on the head, tell you you've been a good boy and you lie all night thinking about it, feeling dirty like you're never gonna be clean again?"

Yeah.

"I was 8 too." He says dead quiet now, and it's like silence is an object – I'm not sure I can see past it. "I was 8, he was my father, my biological father."

Jesus it happened to him? To Brendan Brady?

"Every night, and I thought at least if he's doing it to me it means he's not doing it to my sister. Cos you see he said there was no other way either."

But he's so strong, he's so powerful, I guess you can never see beneath the surface.

"But there is always another way Steven!" He says and although his eyes are dark and he looks small, he still looks strong, like he can protect me. "It went on till I was 15, almost 16, old enough and big enough to fight back you would have thought. But it's never that easy is it?"

I'm not sure I can say anything. And I feel guilty for not knowing, cos of all the things we've done together. All the perfect sex we've had. I always thought he knew about me.

"How did I not know?"

"Because I'm rich and I have a good house and my children have a good school and a good life, and your problems are shelter and food and clothing and I have a simple solution to those. Because it's easier to think that it's not happening and it wouldn't happen to people you know than it has and it does. Because you are a good man, Steven Hay."

He says and he makes me feel like I could be.

"And most importantly," he breathes sadly, his eyes stare at the floor. "Because I never wanted a single soul to ever know again."

He looks so alone, like not the man I know. Like he's weak and vulnerable. Like this is a part he's hiding and he wants to hide. And that's what this is all about - the big house, and sharp suits and flash cars and fancy lifestyle, like they're shields. Cos here the monsters don't get him here, until I arrive, like this, and bring the darkness back. And that's what I've done tonight and that's why he's looking as small as he is.

But his eyes are finding me now, he's looking at me and it's like he likes it. Cos he don't really smile, but his eyes aren't quite as dark.

And he told me didn't he? He told me so he wanted me to know, and he looks like he's happy he told me – like there's closure there. I notice that our fingers are playing on the couch, his fingertips gently trailing over my own, and I sit closer to him, moving our hands together. And as my hand properly finds his I think maybe I'm not so alone anymore. Maybe neither of us are.

"I used to think I was Superman when I was a kid." He breathes, "I used to think that anything was possible. I used to run around with a cape on imagining I was saving the world."

He's kinda distant, talkin' but not really directing it at me. More like he's extracting a memory.

"Then I realised that no-one was coming to save me. But then…." he trails off.

He shakes 'is head like he's removing the thought and turns to talk to me again.

"Something happened a while back and I thought it was over. I thought that was the end of it. But it can mould you as a person and shape your entire life unless you…"

He's gone again, you can tell in his eyes – he just sort of fades out and there's memories that take him away from me.

"Unless you do something. But it was too late for me. So I've become this monster. I'm a terrible dad, I can't give my boys what they deserve…. the truth's never exactly been my strong point. I've done a lot of bad things I can never tell you about….things that if you knew….but I don't tell you cos I wanna protect you and that's the way it's always been. Since that first night."

"Brady, stop" I place my hand on 'is, trying to get him back here with me. "That bit about not bein' a good dad – it aint true. You are a proper good dad. They just wanna spend more time with you."

"Do you not think I want to? I do try, Steven, But then memories take over. You know there was this one afternoon, Declan was playing football with his mates and he scored this crackin' goal, and I wanted to cheer so loud. He looked at me like he wanted me to cheer. But it just reminded me. Memories - they work the way to the front of my brain," he says tapping his finger on 'is forehead. "And sometimes it's all I can think about. I damage everything around me so that's why I can't do relationships – I can't, I can't love, Steven."

He says that but even when he does he pulls me into his arm and these touches, well they feel like love don't they? They feel like they're closer to love than I've ever been.

So I say, "you proper don't know how good you are," and that makes him smile at least.

***K&M***

We sit together, with his arm around me, and I fit in his side. We're silent but not awkward, just like comfortable. The world seems to get a little brighter, not just cos it's almost morning. I hear soft snoring and realise he's fallen asleep. So I go take a shower, and find some more of his clothes that fit – walk around in a pair of boxers and a grey V, which kinda swamp me but feel good. When I go back into the lounge, he's awake and his heads in his arms, like he's hiding again. He don't notice me. I walk slowly up behind him and cup his shoulders, massage the tension cos there's so much. He breathes my name like I make him happy.

"Let's go to bed," I say. "To sleep."

"I don't sleep."

"What do you mean you don't sleep?!"

"I can't, never have been able to when, you know when I've talked about it."

But that's not exactly true is it, cos he fell asleep on the sofa when I was here. So I say, "I don't care right, you're coming to bed with me."

I walk away slowly and he's smiling at me, like he's amused or sommit. So I turn back to wink at him and tease, "even if you just sit and watch me, cos you like that don' you?"

***K&M***

He wears these stripey trousers in bed, and nothing on his top. He climbs in next to me, and I get real close, thread my fingers through that chest hair cos I like that. And he lets me – like he likes it too.

"Steven," he says like he's worried, his chin rested on the top of my head, "Where do the twins think they are? Do they kno-"

"No, no I couldn't y'know like I couldn't let em know. Picked 'em up from school and said we were going on an adventure. They only asked for Mam once, when it was really cold in the shelter so I think they're OK." No, I know they're proper not. "I don't know what to do."

"It's OK we'll work it out together," he promises me, places a kiss against my head.

There's silence for a little bit then I speak again.

"You know I was thinking, it's different for us innit, cos it's your Dad and you couldn't control it, but for me right I had, I have a choice."

He breathes like he can't believe I said that and his voice comes like proper disbelieving, "you chose to end up here? you chose to be homeless, to give up your college, to be scared out of your mind?"

And I can feel his words like punch at the pain - at my failure. I turn on my side, cos I don't want him to see my cry. But he wraps his arm around me and pulls me back into his chest – and there's rest here.

"No Steven you didn't choose this," he whispers like he understands why I do it, like I'm not weak. "And you're worth so much more than this…"

I swallow at the lump that's formed in my throat but I can't quite move it. He presses a kiss to my back and he's always helped me breathe.

"No more tears tonight," he says, "you're gonna sleep now."

He leans over and presses a kiss against my lips, and I feel like I'm coming back to safety and protection. Like his kiss is what will make things good. So I turn around, trail my hand through his hair and make the kiss longer. I move my leg to wrap around his hip, but he shifts away, like awkwardly, forces me back.

"Steven," he resists.

I move my hand to him, to the waist band of his trousers - why can't he see I need him?

"No!" He insists, trapping my wrist. "Look we'll talk about it in the morning," he says, "when we can see straight and it's not about what happened in the past but what could…" He stops his words like he don't proper wanna say that. He licks at his lips like he's searching for the words. "When it's about us."

And there's something in the way he says that word – like it means more than when I've heard it before.

"Us?"

He smiles like that question makes him happy.

"Yes us, you and me, and…" he takes my hand in his own, and I get that feeling like it's more than just a touch. "And this," it's like he thinks it is too. "Go to sleep now."

And he kisses me one last time, and leaves our hands against the pillow, and we sleep together. Just sleep together. And it's like it's important – like it means more than sex, even our magical sex. It's like it's our safety.

I'm under his protection.