Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer owns all things Twilight.
CHAPTER SEVEN
I stood on the porch looking into the darkness where Edward disappeared. It was actually over between us. I waited for the gut-wrenching grief to overwhelm me, but it never came. I suppose deep down I knew that it was truly over between us when he first left me. I grieved for him then. I thought my world; my life was over then. Even when he came back, I never trusted him fully. I couldn't spend one night without him for fear that he wouldn't come back. I was paralyzed with fears of abandonment. I didn't like that I needed him so much. I didn't like how weak that made me. He spent those nights reassuring me that he'd stay with me as long as I needed him. But, what if he decided that I didn't need him anymore? He showed me today that he was incapable of keeping his promises and that it was easy for him to lie to me repeatedly. Where there is no trust, there can be no real lasting love. We had something beautiful. It was the kind of love people write poetry about, sing songs about. But it was never meant to last. We really were Romeo and Juliet. Our love was so passionate and all-consuming that it burned until there was nothing left. Instead of ending in tragedy, we simply drifted apart.
Edward's parting words disturbed me. 'He's going to hurt you.' He seemed so sure that Jacob would hurt me and that I'd come running back to him. Little did he know that if things didn't work out with Jake that I had no intention of going back to Edward. That ship had already sailed. I loved Edward, and I always would. But, we could never be together again. We just didn't belong together, no matter how hard we tried to fit. I knew full well that Jacob had the potential to hurt me. You always hurt the one you love, right? It was inevitable. But I knew in my heart that Jacob was worth that risk. I knew whatever challenges or obstacles we faced, we would face them together. I trusted Jake. I was sad that Edward was so upset. I already missed the closeness that we shared. But this wasn't like the last time he left when he arbitrarily decided to abscond with my future. This time, I knew that my future, the one I chose, was waiting for me inside.
I walked inside to find Renee and Phil cuddled up on the couch watching TV. Jacob was nowhere in sight. Renee approached me with a concerned look on her face. "Bella, honey, what was that all about? Why were you screaming? Is everything alright?"
"Yeah, Mom, everything's alright. I broke up with Edward. It was pretty tense for a moment, but I think I said everything that needed to be said." I didn't feel like going into the specifics even though I knew Renee was chomping at the bit to hear more. I looked around the room again and searched the darkened kitchen for any signs of Jacob. Renee followed my gaze and said, "Jacob's in your room. We were eating dinner and he just got up and said that he wasn't hungry anymore. He said he'd like to lie down for a bit. He didn't look too well, now that I think about it."
Jacob wasn't hungry? He really must be upset. Possibly more than I was. Edward's sudden appearance clearly had an effect on him. After everything I had put him through I couldn't blame him for thinking the worst of me. He probably thinks I'm trying to figure out how to break it off with him and run away with Edward. I had to earn his trust. Renee interrupted my train of thought when she said, "Bella, honey are you okay?"
"Yes, Mom, I just really need to talk to Jacob right now."
"Okay, sweetie, I'll leave some blankets and pillows on the couch for Jacob since I assume he's going to be staying with us, right?" She smiled knowingly.
"Yes, he'll be staying. Thank you."
"Of course, Bella. He seems like a really sweet boy. Not as intense as Edward, but I don't doubt that he's just as devoted to you. He really is head over heels in love with you."
Phil chimed in, "Yeah kiddo. He seems really cool. Definitely more personable than that Ed…"
Renee cut him off with one look. Phil shrugged and protested, "What did I say?"
Renee turned her attention back to me and whispered, "Just ignore him. Go, talk to Jacob. Phil and I are going to be going to bed soon. There's plenty of food in the fridge for you. We'll talk in the morning?"
I responded as though in a daze, "Sure, sure. Goodnight." Jacob was 'head over heels' in love with me? I knew that, but a part of me wanted to dance for joy at hearing it said out loud.
I walked down the hall to my room. I didn't know what was waiting for me behind my bedroom door, but I decided to find out quickly and get it over with. Jacob was sitting at the edge of the bed with his head down, resting in his hands. His shoulders were slumped and he didn't look up when he heard me enter. It broke my heart to see him defeated, especially when I knew he didn't have to be.
"Jake…," I began, but he interrupted me.
"Bella, don't." He finally looked into my eyes and the pain I saw in his was excruciating. He continued with anguish in his voice, "I don't think I can handle your explanation right now. I get it. I fell for it again. I'm leaving…so…that's it then." He stood up and headed for the door. I blocked him by pressing my body up against it. He attempted to get to the doorknob by reaching around me. When I blocked him again he simply gave up and sat back down on the bed.
Since he was my captive audience, I started to explain. "Jake, I know you're upset right now, but you have no reason to be. Edward is gone. It's over between us. I was nothing but honest with you today. My future is with you. Jacob, I love you." I walked slowly towards him. I reached out and caressed his cheek. His big brown eyes met mine. I tried to convey the honesty and sincerity I felt. I tried to convince him of the truth of my words. He was quiet for a moment, but then understanding flashed through his eyes. I knew he believed me and that we would get through this.
"Bells, I'm sorry I doubted you. It's just that I've been in this position before when Edward shows up and everything we had, or could have had, all goes to hell. Today was the best day of my life. When Edward showed up, I just assumed…well I assumed the worst. I'm sorry." He wrapped his arms around my waist and pulled me into the V formed by his legs. Because of his height, his head rested against my breasts. His head, his face had never been that close to this part of my body. I tensed at first because of the new contact, but then relaxed into it. I loved him so much that I didn't care where he was touching me as long as I could hold him close and comfort him like he did for me all those months ago. I clung to him and ran my fingers through his hair.
"Bella, I'm in love with you. You make me so happy, just being with you. I just feel that because I love you so much that it also means you can hurt me more than anyone else. I don't want to be hurt."
I wrapped my arms around his neck and pulled him closer. "Jacob, I'm sorry for hurting you. We're in this together now. We don't have to be afraid anymore."
Jake tilted his head up and looked into my eyes. I felt his large, warm hands grip my hips. His eyes were filled with love and lust and it made my legs weak. Jacob seemed to notice the effect he had on me and guided me so that I was sitting on his lap. With one hand now wrapped around my waist for support he reached the other hand to my face. Our eyes locked. The sexual tension in the air was palpable. This would be our first kiss without any external boundaries. There was no Edward. There would be no guilt associated with this kiss. Jacob leaned in and our lips met. I felt a spark rush straight to my heart at the touch. I wondered if he felt the same thing. His warm, soft lips molded to mine. We kissed sweetly and tenderly until I needed some air. I looked into Jacob's eyes and saw that there was nothing but love for me. He loved me with all my flaws and he didn't want to change me.
His lips crashed into mine again, but this time it was driven by fire, passion, and a sense of urgency. It was as if this was a fleeting moment we might never recapture, and we wanted to have a lifetime's worth of memories. His hand that had previously supported my back moved up to the back of my head where he fisted my hair and pulled me closer to him. He ignited the lust in me and I responded by positioning myself so that I was now straddling his lap. A soft groan escaped his lips when I did that and his tongue licked my bottom lip asking for entrance. Our tongues danced back and forth and I couldn't get enough of his sweet taste. He leaned back onto the bed pulling me down on top of him.
In this new position I could feel Jacob's large arousal through the swim trunks he was still wearing. Jake's hands rubbed circles along my back setting my skin on fire. One hand travelled past my waist and hip and cupped my bottom. He squeezed firmly and positioned my center over his so that he could grind against me. A part of me wanted to touch and devour every part of him right there. But another part of me felt we were going too fast. I wanted to slow things down a bit. Wow, did I really just think that? Since when was I the cautious one when it came to love or sex? I knew I didn't want to go at a snail's pace, but I didn't know if I wanted to go at a wolf's pace either. Which animal did I want to be like? Why am I thinking about animals right now? I just wanted to enjoy this aspect of our relationship before we went too far too soon.
As if he could read my mind, Jacob broke our kiss. His breath was ragged and I could feel his heart pounding. I was speechless and all Jacob could manage was, "Wow!" He had a wonderfully blissful smirk on his face. We started giggling uncontrollably. The friction from our laughing bodies only helped to illustrate the need to separate until wecould cool down a bit. I rolled off of Jake and lay next to him on my side. He was flat on his back staring at the ceiling with a dumb grin on his face. His legs were hanging over the side of the bed with his feet resting on the floor. He wrapped one arm around my shoulders and the other wrapped around my waist. I rested one hand on his sculpted stomach.
Jacob finally spoke, "Bells, you're killing me here. Do you even realize how hot you are? I don't think you know what you do to me." I thought of his hard member pressing into my center just moments ago and replied, "I think I have an idea." He chuckled and squeezed my body tighter to his.
"Look, Bells, I just want you to know that I love you and there's not a moment that goes by when I don't…want you…physically. I'm not rushing towards anything here. I think I've proven that I'm a pretty patient guy. So, you set the pace here, okay? Just know that I'm ready, for anything, whenever you are." He kissed me on my forehead letting me know without question that I was both safe and loved.
Being with Jacob felt so liberating. Edward had taught me what it felt like to be in love. But, Jacob had shown me what it was to feel like a woman in love. He respected me, trusted me. He knew me better than I knew myself. And, he wanted me. His eyes always held equal parts love and desire for me. The fact that he wanted me physically just as much as I wanted him made me feel normal. I didn't feel like the horny teenager who needs to know where her boundaries are. I didn't have to worry about my advances being rejected. Jacob wasn't holding back 'for my own good.' He was holding back because he adored and respected me. He wanted what we did to be my choice. I felt loved, sexy, and desired. I had never felt more alive.
We were both inexperienced with the physical expressions of love. We'd be going through it together, at our own pace. Jacob wouldn't hurt me. I didn't have to worry about him losing control, unless of course I wanted him to! That idea was so exciting that my cheeks flushed and my pulse raced. I knew Jacob would notice. I buried my face into his shoulder to hide my embarrassment. Jacob kissed the top of my head and I felt his lips spread into a wide smile. "Why are you blushing Bells? Thinking about me again?" I slapped him playfully on his firm stomach. His arrogance could be annoying and yet charming at the same time. "Jake you're incorrigible."
"I can't help it honey. Knowing that you love me brings that out in me." We were silent for a moment. We were lost in the warmth of our bodies when Jacob said, "Now, where were we? Right, you were about to give me a detailed play by play description of that dream you had about us in bed together."
I leaned away from him so that I could look at him better. Wide-eyed with embarrassment I said, "I most certainly was NOT! I only mentioned that dream in passing. I…I didn't have any intention of giving you any of the seedy details."
"Seedy, huh? Come on Bells…start from the beginning. What were you wearing, or not wearing as the case may be?"
I let out an exasperated sigh and said, "Oh Jake!"
To which he immediately replied, "Yeah, that's it. Now we're talking. Then what happened?"
I grabbed a pillow from the head of the bed and smacked him in the face. He responded in mock misery, "What? You're the one with the dirty mind here. I was just trying to open the lines of communication between us. Excuse me for caring."
"You were trying to 'open the lines of communication?' Jake, you've been watching too much Dr. Phil."
"Well, it does seem to be my dad's favorite show." He flashed his beautiful smile at me and we both started laughing. It was so refreshing to be happy about simple mundane things. I sat up looking at Jacob's large form lying sideways on my small bed. He was so beautiful. He was the happy Jacob who first healed my broken heart, and I loved him. I was staring, but Jacob just returned my gaze, smiling contentedly. After a few minutes of silence, Jacob sheepishly remarked, "Hey Bells, I'm kind of hungry. Let's get something to eat."
I smiled. "I thought you would be. We haven't eaten in hours. Come on, Renee said there was plenty of food in the fridge."
We walked out of my bedroom hand in hand. Renee and Phil hadn't moved from the position where I last left them. Renee smiled warmly at us. She came up to me and said, "We'll be going to bed soon so you two can spend some time alone. Feel free to stay up and watch some movies…or… whatever." God, I was so embarrassed. My mom was totally trying to be my wing-man and give me alone time with my boyfriend. I wonder how Charlie would handle the same situation. Ah, yes, the shotgun, right. On the other hand, it is Jacob so…no, if he knew the kind of thoughts I had about Jacob then the shotgun would definitely be displayed prominently at the Swan residence.
Jacob just smiled and laughed it off and proceeded to raid the fridge. I ended up heating some grilled chicken and veggies. I found the left over pizza from last night's botched slumber party and gave it to Jacob as an appetizer to tide him over until dinner was ready. We ate at the kitchen table. We laughed and talked about Jacob's various adventures on his cross-country ride. When I mentioned Billy we both froze and dropped our forks on our plates. We stared at each other wide-eyed.
"Oh shit!" Jacob whispered. He hadn't called Billy and had just given his father another full day of not knowing where his son was or even if he was alive. I tossed my cell phone at him and said, "Here, call him NOW! Honestly, Jacob, how could you forget?"
"Bells, obviously I wasn't thinking. I was a little preoccupied. He'll understand." He got up from the table and walked out the front door to speak to his father in private. I cleared the table and washed our dishes. As I was putting the plates away Renee walked into the kitchen. I turned to her;she had and expectant grin on her face.
"Well?"
I looked at her confusedly, "Well, what?"
"Honey, you just had the two boys you're in love with show up, unannounced, on the very same day. When I saw you all on the front porch it looked like a scene from a movie. So, come on, spill it. What made you decide? And, is that Jacob's bike out front? Did he ride it all the way out here? How long is he staying? Are you leaving with him?" She was rambling now. She was acting like a child with an unlimited supply of questions.
"Mom, relax! I think you know why I chose Jacob. He makes me happy. Besides, I think you knew I was going to choose him before I did." I looked at her as if daring her to disagree. She replied,
"Well, I did know that that's where your heart would take you. But, I knew that you needed to come to that decision on your own. There was no point in me telling you the obvious when you weren't ready to see it. Just ask Jacob about how well that works."
I replied, "Yeah, well, after our talk last night I realized just how important Jake was to me. We can be partners, equals. And I love him so much. He makes me feel safe and loved without feeling like I'm being guarded all the time. I can be free with him. I guess I knew all along that he was the one."
Renee's smile was huge when she said, "Baby, I'm so happy for you. You've changed so much since the last time I saw you. You've always been a smart girl. But, now I think you're stronger. You know what you want and you're not afraid to go out and get it no matter the cost. That's really brave honey. I know how much you love Edward, but I think you made the right choice for you."
"Thanks mom, for everything."
"Of course, Bella. Now tell me, where did Jake go?"
"Oh, just outside to call his father. Apparently he didn't bother to let him know he was coming out to visit me." She didn't need to know the sordid details about Jacob running away because I was going to marry a vampire. Renee was thoughtful before she spoke again. "Well, that doesn't seem too responsible of him."
"I know, but under the circumstances, I understand. He's a really responsible person in general. He's helped take care of his father for years and he has a huge leadership role in his tribe. We all make mistakes. Don't let this one act cloud the way you see him, please."
"Of course I won't Bella. I was just wondering about how responsible the two of you will be together."
I was mortified. She was not talking about sex, was she? I mean, I was almost 19 years old. Surely she didn't expect me to talk about my sex life, or lack thereof? Renee saw the look of embarrassment on my face. She put an arm around my shoulder in a reassuring, motherly gesture. "Bella, I just want you to be safe. I know he's younger than you, but he doesn't look it, and he sure as hell doesn't act like it. You're dealing with a full-fledged man out there."
Oh. My. God. Please just let me die right now.
"Honey, don't be embarrassed. We're all adults here. I just want you to be clear about how fast or slow you want things to go…"
"MOM! God, we just became a couple TODAY! What's with the sex talk? Didn't we already have this when I was ten?"
"I know, but Jacob's your best friend. And you're in love with each other. I'm just saying that things could move a lot faster than you might anticipate considering you already have a strong foundation. It doesn't hurt to be prepared. I don't need to be a grandmother before my time. Now, when you go to buy the condoms…"
And of course, Jacob walked into the room right at that exact moment. I wanted to disappear into the wall. My face turned beet red and Renee in an act of mercy finally stopped talking. Jacob had the stupidest grin on his face, but otherwise acted oblivious to the scene in front of him. I knew he had heard everything she said but he played dumb and asked, "Hey, did I miss anything?"
Before I could answer, Renee said, "No, Jacob, not at all. I was just telling Bella goodnight." She leaned over and kissed me on the cheek. She patted Jacob on the arm and said, "Jake, please make yourself at home. Bella will make up the couch for you. I hope you two will be responsible for locking up after yourselves, right? See you in the morning." She winked at me before turning around and walking towards her bedroom.
I was speechless. Jacob simply walked up to me and wrapped me in his warm arms. I relaxed into his strong embrace. He chuckled into my hair and said, "So, your mom thinks I'm a full-fledged man, huh? What do you think about that?" He was doing this on purpose. He just wanted to make me blush more than I already was. I replied angrily, "Jacob Black, you shut up! I've just been embarrassed completely by my mother in front of my boyfriend. I don't need you starting in on me now too!" He simply replied in a seductive whisper, "Yes, ma'am! Anything you say. Boyfriend, huh? I could get used to that." And then he smiled at me and all my anger melted away.
I decided that we were both in desperate need of a shower. I wanted to wash off the salt and lotion from my body and to wash away the negative events of the day. I offered to shower first. (Jacob suggested I make it a cold one.) When I got out Jacob took his turn. I rummaged through my clothes and found a cute cotton pajama set Renee had bought me. I put on the pink tank top and red shorts. I decided to forego the bra opting for ultimate comfort. When Jacob walked out of the bathroom wearing nothing but his old sweatpants, I figured he had the same idea.
We stayed up all night talking on the couch. Jacob laid across the couch holding my body to his. My back was pressed firmly to his chest and our legs were intertwined. We talked about everything. He told me how he patched things up with Billy. He said that Billy wasn't really angry, just happy that he was safe. When I asked him what Billy thought of us, he said he didn't really say much. I was glad that Jacob wasn't trying to gloss over the fact that Billy and the pack might not be as excited about our relationship as we were. After breaking Jacob's heart, I wasn't exactly their favorite person right now. Jacob assured me that once they saw that we were officially together they would all come around. To be honest, I was so happy with Jacob that I couldn't be bothered to win anyone over. He was confident that they would come around and that was good enough for me. I loved Jacob and he loved me. Everyone else would just have to fall in line.
We were locked in each other's arms throughout the night. We would fall in and out of sleep but we fought the exhaustion. It became clear that neither of us wanted this day to end. We talked about our childhoods, our mothers, our fathers. We talked about when we knew we were in love and we talked a lot about our future. I had never felt so comfortable, so loved, or more at peace in my life. Jacob had become the man of my dreams. Being in his arms was heaven on earth.
The sun came up and we were still talking and holding each other despite our drowsiness. I decided to take a bathroom break to freshen up. I dislodged myself from Jacob's arms after I noticed that he dozed off. I walked quietly to the bathroom and went through my morning routine. When I looked at my reflection I saw that I was practically glowing. Being in love really suited me. I left the bathroom to find Jacob in the exact position as the one I had left him in. He was beautiful when he slept. All his cares and worries melted away and he was my handsome Jacob. I just stood there staring at his gorgeous face, his chiseled chest and muscular abs. His perfection was covered only by his low-slung sweatpants. I decided that I needed to make breakfast now to take my mind off of his…perfect…body. If I kept ogling him like this I might just attack him. Calm down, Bella.
I walked into the kitchen to see what we had in the fridge. I pulled out a dozen eggs, some milk, juice, onions and peppers. I figured omelets would be a good start. I placed the pots and pans on the stove top and jumped in surprise as two warm hands slipped around my waist and rested on my hips. Jacob breathed down into my ear and said, "Good morning, beautiful. I didn't mean to startle you." He kissed me on my neck and his lips moved down to my shoulder. His hands moved up my shirt and rested on my bare stomach. His tongue licked slowly and seductively up my neck while he pulled my backside against his now hard member. He whispered, "Mmm, Bella, have I ever told you how good you smell?" He didn't wait for my reply, not that I could have formulated words at that point. "Because, you taste even better."
I nearly came undone. I turned around so I was facing him. Jacob wasn't smiling anymore. Instead, he was staring at my lips with a hungry look in his eyes that made moisture pool between my legs. I noticed his gaze drop to my breasts and pert nipples poking through my thin tank top. His eyes returned to mine with a renewed fire. All I wanted was to feel his lips on mine and my body pressed tightly against his. It always surprised me how he seemed to read my mind because he hungrily crushed his lips to mine. His lips were trying to devour me and I was more than willing to let him. He pulled me tighter to him while pushing me up against the kitchen counter. Before I knew what was happening his strong hands gripped my bottom and squeezed. I moaned into his mouth. He took that as a sign of encouragement and lifted me easily up so that I was now sitting on the counter top. This new angle made it easier to touch him and kiss him everywhere I wanted to; his neck, his perfect chest, his soft luscious lips. My hands found their way into his silky hair. His tongue danced with mine in a tantalizing ballet. I sucked on and gently bit his lower lip eliciting a sexy groan from him. I wrapped my legs around his waist because as close as we were, I couldn't get close enough. Jacob's right hand traveled slowly up my body. His warm hand caressed my outer thigh and squeezed tightly. It then moved up my hip to my waist. Finally his fingers teased their way up to my breast. His large hand cupped my breast while his thumb stroked my now erect nipple. I moaned into his mouth at the new sensation when I heard,
"Good morning kids…whoa, what the hell?"
Damn you Phil!
