Chapter 7

Civilities

Summary:

The men learn to get along.


Roxas woke up somewhat hung-over. His alarm blared from somewhere. Half his body slid out of bed as he stretched down and found his phone… in his pants… which he was no longer wearing.

He tried to think back on what happened, and it made him groan. There was something about a bathroom and being saved from it. And he was sure he had made a total fool of himself in front of Axel. Just great.

Somehow he got himself out of bed and into the shower. Standing under the hot spray felt nice. He let the spray seep into his hair and wash out all the stench of last night. He lost track of time but eventually dried off as much as possible, wrapped a towel around himself, and ventured back out towards his room.

He nearly made it too, but then Axel popped his head out of his room, "Looks like you found the right door this time."

Roxas slammed his door shut behind himself and ignored the laughter.

Other than Roxas trying to live down that embarrassment, things went pretty all right. Axel didn't harp on about it too much and they went about their normal activities.

Roxas felt like it was actually possible to be friends, and not just keep a detached acquaintanceship going with Axel. Having his noise-cancelling headphones worked a treat when he put on music, podcasts, or a movie. It was easy to forget that Axel even existed and he could work in peace, on course projects or fun side projects - like priming and painting the model Axel had given him.

They spent marginally more time together, usually huddled up in front of Axel's computer, fiddling with 3D programs.

Axel used them for modelling his aircrafts but had also made a rudimentary human frame, which he had used for the statue that now stood with defiant pride on Roxas' desk, in a half-painted state. Axel showed Roxas the basics, and then the more fiddly bits of getting the very fine details modelled.

They started rewatching episodes of Twilight World to get poses and outfits right. Roxas had a huge blast going down memory lane and actually being able to share it with someone.

He found that they detested most of the same characters, and equally loved others, though sometimes for vastly different reasons. But Roxas was okay with that.

Axel flippantly let fly once, "You know I got her autograph once."

"Who's?"

"Mertle Grivansky's."

"What? Seriously?"

"Yeah."

"Can I see?"

"Ah, I lost it a while ago, while I was moving around," Axel brushed aside.

Roxas' mouth hung open. He couldn't believe it. "Aww man, that's such a shame. Bet you were devastated. I know I'd be."

Axel stretched out on the sofa. "It's just stuff. I could track the whole cast down at a convention if I really wanted to."

"You could, but it'd be hard. They haven't done the convention circuit in a long time." Roxas couldn't hide the disappointment in his voice. "How'd you get her autograph anyway? We were both way too young to ever meet them anywhere." He leaned in towards Axel, "I practically had to beg my dad to take me to a convention where Sarah Rothum was gonna show up - but then she cancelled for some reason."

Axel shrugged. "I just wrote her a letter saying how much I loved her and the show, and one day I got a reply with a signed autograph."

"Woah! Holy shit! That seriously worked?"

"Yup," he grinned.

Roxas felt completely bummed out and flopped back against the backrest. "Man, can't believe you lost it. What a human tragedy."

Axel brushed it off with a chuckle. "I've had years to come to terms with my loss."

"Lucky you. I feel like I'm about to start the grieving process. Grivansky was like… ," he stopped to ponder and find an accurate word.

"An angel."

"Yeah. I love my mom, but she was like the mom I would have traded my own one in for."

Axel laughed a little at that. "Yeah, well." He shrugged and focused back on the TV.

Roxas hadn't known Axel on a personal level for very long, but he thought he could tell when there was a shift in mood. "Is everything all right, Axel?"

"Yeah."

"You sure? It's like you get moody over certain things."

"No I don't."

"Mm, you kinda do. Like when we talk about parents. Not that you ever talk much about yours," Roxas tried carefully.

Axel sat in pensive silence for a while. He was quiet for so long that Roxas thought that had truly been the end of their conversation.

"This show was important to me because it took me away from all the shit going on in my life," Axel spoke in a monotone, not looking at anything but the TV. "My folks hated each other's guts. They never admitted to it until they got divorced. But they never needed to say it. I could just tell in everything they did. Twilight World was my time-out from listening to their shit."

"I'm sorry to hear that," were the only pathetic and inadequate words he could get out.

Axel shrugged. "Nothing to be done about it. I tried to fix things. When I got good grades they fought less - but eventually even that wasn't good enough."

"That's rough," Roxas mumbled.

"Doesn't matter. I'm bushed. Think I'm gonna go sleep. Night."

"Night, Axel." He watched Axel get up and walk away.


Axel slumped down on his bed. Why had he said that shit? Why had he thought about it? He stared at the ugly carpet for a while, before getting off the bed and sitting on the ground. He pulled out a shoebox from underneath the bed and dug through it until - at the very bottom - he pulled out the autographed photo he had ripped up and then later glued back together.

Madraxis had been one of his favorites. She was wise and benevolent. She was everything Axel thought a mother should be. He had liked to pretend that he lived in that other world. That he could go on adventures with Layla, who was by far Axel's most favorite character. She had spunk and an awesome outspoken nature. She was fun, and Axel had always wistfully devoured all the character interactions as they whizzed about space engaging in space diplomacy - which Axel, as a young kid, had never really understood the nuances of. And when that boring stuff inevitably failed he reveled in the more all-in-guns-blazing approach that Layla jumped on, even if she was later reprimanded by Madraxis.

That show was Axel's highlight of his childhood. More so than all the accolades he received for being a good student.

As Axel had told Roxas, he really had written a letter to the actress who played Madraxis. He had been fully aware that the show had ended a long time ago, but he had still wanted to vocalize how important the show and characters had been to him.

He had never expected to hear anything back, nor did he ever really remember what exactly he wrote in the letter, or how he found the gumption to track down the proper address and actually post the letter - but he remembered the day he had received mail, and how befuddled his father had been over the fact that his eight-year-old son had been the recipient of any kind of mail.

It had been this autographed portrait, with a message scrawled on it for Axel to never give up. That picture had meant the world to him and he had kept it safe for years as it had been his most prized possession.

And then life had changed. He got a little smarter and less naive. He saw the ugly side of life. The message scrawled on the autograph burned him, because it wasn't how life was. He had learned that there was no point in trying ones best.

The pang of that realization still stung Axel's chest, even to this day. It's why the picture was stuck somewhere he could never see it, unless he went looking for it.

He had felt betrayed by his spiritually adopted mother, Madraxis. Because he had tried his best for so long. He hadn't given up. He had attempted to live up to the principals she embodied in the show. But his parents had just gotten worse. So one day in a fit of rage he had begun to burn the picture and it's positive message.

As he looked at it now he remembered the anger and upset which had swept through him at that time. The middle was charred and warped. He had changed his mind though, just as the photograph was catching light, put it out and tore it up instead. But he had never been able to bring himself to throw it out. Because - despite everything - he had managed to get this signed photo, through determination. And that had meant something to Axel. He couldn't please others, but he could get things done for himself if he set his mind to it.

Axel slid it back into the bottom of his box of old memorabilia. Looking at it always hurt somehow. Maybe he should have thrown it out.


Roxas had been left feeling quite sad for Axel. He couldn't imagine having his parents hate each other, and what that must have been like to grow up with. So he wanted to do something nice for him, and poured a lot of hours into making a 3D model of Madraxis. It was though learning the program, even with Axel's earlier instructions. Some of the details didn't look as sharp as he would like, but he figured if he could get most of the basic elements in Axel could fix up the things he couldn't deal with.

He set aside an hour each day, usually when Axel was at work or screwing Larxene.

One evening he got it as close to complete as he thought he could. He leaned back in his chair and admired his handiwork on the monitor, grinning like a fool.

Roxas had caught the hint of the sound opening and closing about an hour ago and his name, so he knew Axel was back. He was quite eager to show him. Maybe putting in the finer details wouldn't take too long and Axel could get the model printed off tomorrow.

He pulled his headphones off to gauge if Axel had brought Larxene over. All seemed quiet. He copied the file onto a USB and rushed out of his room, gave an abrupt knock on Axel's door and pushed inside.

"Axel I wanna show - you… someth…"

"Wanna join?" Axel licked his lips.

Roxas retreated from the room, and pulled the door shut tight behind himself. His heart was in his throat, he felt cold and clammy with embarrassment. "Dude," he shouted. "Lock your fucking door next time," he slammed his fist against the wood for good measure.

"Can't, in case you try to break it down again," came the amused shout back.

Roxas grumbled and groaned, leaving Axel's door behind and seeking safety in his own room. But it didn't help. He felt mortified. The image of naked bodies on top of each other - of Axel's mouth sliding off a dick - had that seriously been another guy? Yeah, totally had been. He felt it burning into his mind.

Roxas rested elbows on desk and cradled his head. Axel's smirk flashed before his eyes. Dumb asshole should know to lock his door. Roxas had seen Axel completely naked before but… this was different. This had been too much. Too intimate. Too personal. He had been… sixty-nining… a guy. He supposed that explained the quiet. But fuck! Roxas couldn't unsee it either. Fuck Axel was hot.

He swallowed that thought down and focused on the program and model he had still open on his screen.

Since when did Axel have sex with guys? It had only ever been Larxene for as long as Roxas had been here. Had something happened? Did they break up? Axel hadn't seemed upset or off lately.

Whimpers and groans sounded from next door. Roxas supposed they had moved on to some other activity, so he slid his headphones back on and played some music.

He wished he could drown out the mental images as easily as the sound though.


Roxas stayed in his room for that night and made sure to avoid seeing Axel the following day. On the second day however there was no avoiding each other, mainly because Axel was knocking on Roxas' door until he opened up.

"Hey," Axel threw out casually.

"Sup?" Roxas followed suit.

Axel leaned against the doorframe with his arm. He smelt nice, Roxas noticed with regret.

"You avoiding me on purpose?"

"Yeah."

Eyebrow raised, "Why?"

"You know why," Roxas grumbled.

"No, I really don't. I'm the one who should be embarrassed, not you."

"Are you?"

"Nah. It's no biggie, so chill, yeah?"

Roxas frowned at the floor. "If you say so."

"I do, now look me in the eyes, c'mon."

He dragged eyes onto Axel, and felt his face heat up. All he could think of was Axel being naked - sucking off guys. He supposed avoiding his roommate was stupid. It's not like it had been helping him to not think about what he had seen.

Axel looked very amused at Roxas' reluctant gaze. "Was it really so traumatizing?"

Roxas decided not to answer that. "You ever think you've got a sex addiction problem?"

"No problem to me," he grinned.

Roxas rolled his eyes and decided to move on. "I wanted to show you something." He patted Axel on the arm and retreated back into his room, towards his desk, and showed Axel what he had made.

"Ah, Madraxis. Nice job, Rox."

"I just need you to work on the clasps and other little details."

"No worries. Shouldn't take too long, and then we'll have another figure to add to the collection." He touched the now almost finished painted model on Roxas' desk. "You painted her really nice."

"Thanks. Just need to put a final coat on."

"Cool. You got a real knack for this. Having to paint all the fine details would drive me crazy," Axel observed while carefully eyeing the figure. "I've got no patience when it comes to being meticulous."

Roxas felt a little bit proud. He had spent a lot of time and attention on the trims and minute details. "Thanks," he mumbled. "You're selling yourself short though. I suck and have no patience for modelling all those small bits. But you seem to really enjoy that."

Axel made a thoughtful sound in the back of his throat. "Well maybe you have a point there."

Roxas was met with a contented smile, which squeezed his chest somewhat. He needed to change the subject "Um… Axel."

"Yeah?"

"Is everything okay?"

Axel gave him a confused look. "Of course. You're the one being weird, not me. I'm here to check on you." Finger pressed against Roxas' temple.

"I just… feel awkward - and I've been busy," he excused. "But you sure you're okay?"

"Yeah. Why wouldn't I be?" He stepped back and sat on the edge of Roxas' bed.

Roxas swiveled around in his chair and faced Axel. "I mean between you and Larxene - since… well you know."

"Yeah, everything's fine."

"You guys didn't break up?"

"Break up?" Axel's brow furrowed as he struggled to comprehend. But then in slow motion his eyes widened and a smile flourished. He began laughing so hard that tears squeezed out. "Oh God no. You think -," he laughed harder. "You thought we were a couple?"

Roxas fought down the urge to swear at Axel. He dislikes being made to feel foolish, and Axel's mirth brought up way too much crap for him. But he tried to keep his cool, and gave a disgruntled, "Ah, well yeah," in response.

Axel squeaked with hysterical laughter. He fell over backwards and thumped fists on the mattress.

Roxas frowned. "I don't see how it's so funny. It's only been you and her since I've been here - and it's been like two months. What else am I s'pposed to think?" Roxas crossed his arms and glared.

"Oh no, don't get grumpy." Axel sat back up and wiped at his eyes, calming down somewhat. "It's just… if you knew, you'd see the funny side too."

"How 'bout you enlighten me then?"

"We've been friends for forever. She's like… well not my sister, 'cause that would be hell gross. But you get it, right?"

"Maybe," Roxas muttered. "Friends with benefits?"

"Yeah, exactly. Same with Demyx, who was around the other night. You probably didn't see much of him," Axel sniggered.

"You sure you don't have a problem? Have you ever gone to see someone for it?"

"It's not getting in the way of my life. It enhances it," Axel winked.

"Could you go a week without sex or jerking off. I hear you in the bathroom, you know."

"Oh, you like to listen do you?"

"I never fucking said that, did I? And anyway, kind of hard not to hear you."

"But does it turn you on?" Axel shifted a little towards Roxas.

Roxas' heart thumped. "No."

"Shame. If I had a roommate to fuck I wouldn't have to ask my friends around so much."

Was that why - Roxas had to stop the thought right there and moved on before the blush he was feeling creeping up, could manifest itself. "Demyx… I kind of remember a Demyx from school?"

"Yeah. We go way back. Same as Larx."

"Oh. So they're your two fuck-buddies?"

"Yup."

"Why hasn't Demyx been around more until now then?"

"You're taking a great big interest in my sex life. What's with that?" Green eyes scanned Roxas carefully from top to bottom.

"Just making conversation," he shrugged off.

Axel hummed. "Fair enough then. He was seeing someone, but they broke up, so it's back to being friends-with-benefits for him and me." Axel leaned back on Roxas' bed, propping himself up on elbows.

"You guys just have sex? Nothing else?"

"What else is there to have?"

"A…" Roxas felt uncomfortable. He didn't want to get into this… with anyone - ever. But… maybe Axel had some sort of hidden secret that could be useful to him. "… Well, a relationship."

Axel started laughing again. "Not with those two there's not. They're just friends."

Just friends. Roxas still didn't get how it was possible. "Have they ever wanted a relationship with you?"

"No, they haven't."

"Oh. You sure?"

Axel sat up again and burned a stare into Roxas. "This interview feels like it's more about you than me. Is everything okay with you?"

"Yeah, of course," Roxas brushed off.

"Nothing to do with that chick who's not kissing you? What was her name? Piku… Stiku… No wait, I think it was… Riku? Yeah that sounds about right."

Roxas felt mortified. "What? How -"

"Aww, you don't remember when I tucked you in on your birthday?"

"No, I remember that but…"

"Well you were crying about not getting any kisses. Was kinda cute and pathetic all at once," Axel sniggered.

Shit, he thought. Had he been blabbing? Roxas' heart raced a little.

"So what's with that anyway?" Axel pushed when Roxas remained silent.

"Ah… nothing."

"C'mon, man. I've been opening up to you about all kinds of shit."

Roxas crossed his arms and gave an aloof response of, "That's your fault. I never asked you to tell me anything."

"Yeah, but we're gonna be friends, right? So you should tell me something."

Roxas' body buzzed, and his saliva felt stuck in his throat a little. Friends. That had been the dream for so long. Did Roxas still want that? A small part of him whispered, yes. "Mm… well Riku's got a boyfriend. - Sora - and we're all friends. We started sleeping together -"

"Woah, who? You and that Riku? Even though she's got a boyfriend? Sounds like a right bitch to me."

"No, no. Riku's a guy for one, and the three of us started sleeping together."

Axel's eyes shot wide open. "Guy? The three of you?"

Roxas knew he was going red. He stared at his floor and swiveled on his chair a little. "Yeah," he muttered.

Axel began laughing again. It was giving Roxas all sorts of terrible traumatic flashbacks. He tensed and grew disgruntled.

"Holy shit, Rox. Seriously? You and threesomes?"

"What?" he snarled and shot eyes upwards.

"You just became the coolest person I know."

Despite the compliment it was like a punch to the gut, and disorientated him somewhat. "Really?"

"Hell yeah! Was it just once or a regular thing?"

Roxas felt somewhat inflated and began speaking tentatively, "Pretty regular, before we came here."

Axel just looked more impressed if that was at all possible. "You're a complete veteran. Never would have picked you as the polyamorous type."

The slight cheer Roxas had felt vanished. "Well that's kinda the problem."

"Oh?"

"I'm not that type. I like Riku, not Sora. Not like that anyway. Sora's a great friend but -." Roxas pouted at the floor.

"Sora's in your place, huh?"

"Yeah," he said meekly. Roxas still hated himself for feeling that way.

"Rough. That's why I don't get involved."

"Have you ever had a threesome?"

"Yeah. Only once though. Was pretty fucking hot."

"Was it with Larxene and Demyx?"

"Oh no. Larx isn't into blonde guys. Though I think that's just an excuse. If the three of us ever had sex together -" Axel shuddered a little. "It would actually be weird."

"Why?"

"Well Larx and Dem think about each other quite differently. And I don't think they'd be good together. Dem's a bit of a princess. He takes a while to get going and needs a lot of attention. Larxene though," Axel chuckled. "Hard and fast. I don't think they'd be compatible."

"How come you don't feel anything for them?"

Axel shrugged. " 'Cause I'm a complete dick, remember?"

"Yeah, but they're your best friends, right?"

Axel shrugged. "So?"

"So shouldn't you care for them?"

"I do care - in my own way."

It made Roxas sigh. "You're no help."

"Hey, hey! Don't be like that. You haven't been very clear on what you actually want help with. You wanna win Riku over? Do I need to get a gang together to take care of Sora for you?" Axel grinned with mischief.

"No. Sora's my best friend."

"Then what?"

Roxas groaned. "I don't know. I wish I didn't care so much. I wish things went back to how they were when we first all hung out and started fooling around."

"That's what looking for people - and relationships - do to ya, Rox. That's why I stay right out of it."

"How do you manage to stay out of it thought?" he pressed, almost with desperation.

Axel shrugged. "A general dislike of all people and not giving a shit about others?"

"How can you have friends if you don't care for them?"

"I like being around people I get along with. That's what friends are. But relationships… that's like… I don't even know what that feels like. Have you ever been in a relationship?"

"Not any super serious ones."

"What makes a friendship different from a relationship then?" was the fairly sincere sounding question.

Roxas thought about that for a while. "Maybe it's that… you want to be with the person you're in a relationship with. You think about them a lot - want to please them - don't want to see them upset. When they're upset it upsets you a lot too. Stuff like that I guess."

"Yeah, can't say I've ever had that happen to me."

"Even with Larxene and Demyx? They've been your friends for a long time."

"Yeah, even with them. I don't get why you can't get your head around it. I just don't feel that way about them."

"You're so strange."

"I'd like to think unique, yeah?" Axel grinned.

Roxas couldn't find it in himself to reciprocate Axel's good cheer. This stuff weighed too heavily on him. "What's wrong with me then? Why am I so fucking hung up about the guy that it's messing up my friendships?"

Axel leaned forward, smile dropping. "How long have you known him for?"

Roxas didn't have to think very hard. "A year and a half or so."

"Maybe that's why then. I've known Demyx and Larxene forever. I know how gross they are, and all their secrets. That shit makes people super unappealing."

"But that's what brings people closer together - that understanding and being able to put up with each others shit. That's what makes you like one another more. And maybe Riku would like me more if we had been friends for longer. 'Cause he and Sora have been friends since they were little."

Axel seemed a bit surprised. "Really? They've known each other for forever and can still stand each other?"

"Yeah. They love each other."

"Well can't say that's ever been my experience. The less I know someone the hotter they are. Once I get more information it just becomes unexciting."

"So you could only ever love someone if they remained an enigma to you?"

Axel shrugged. "Honestly couldn't tell you that."

Roxas frowned. It was a very unhelpful and unsatisfying conversation.

"All this stuff about relationships and love… wanting to spend all your time with that special someone - thinking about them - is that how you feel about Riku?"

It jolted Roxas a little. He had to really think about it. "I… don't think I do. But I wanna be special to him. Is that love?"

Axel gave a noncommittal raise of his shoulder. "Maybe a selfish love?"

Roxas pouted. "Maybe that's me then. Selfish and egotistical."

"Just like me then, hey." Axel's smile was kind.

It made Roxas feel marginally better. "Yeah. I guess we can be selfish assholes together."

"Awesome!"

Roxas tried for a lighthearted laugh, but it got stuck in his throat. He instead sighed and swiveled back to face his desk.

"Cheer up, man. It's not the end of the world."

"I know it's not. I just wish I could turn it off, though. But there's no switch. All I can do is avoid them and hope my feelings go away."

"Sounds like a good plan. C'mon, let's browse for some references and you watch me finish adding smaller details to your model, so you can do it yourself next time." Roxas received a pat on his back.

It made him smile. The conversation hadn't helped much, but Roxas liked not being alone with his thoughts. He hummed in agreement to Axel's plan and made room so Axel could see his screen a little better.