Elizabeth sighed, rolled over and hooked her legs over the edge of her bed. Beckett had prescribed her rest, but it wasn't something she was finding it easy to come by. The constant headache at the base of her skull wasn't helping either and she rubbed at her neck for a while before standing up to stretch.
For the length of time that she had been home it had been the same every day.
Get out of bed, shower, food and then back to her room to sit and read and rest.
Atlantis felt out of her control and though she trusted Rodney implicitly, she couldn't help but feel left out of the loop when it came to matters concerning her city.
Rodney had been doing so well, she wondered if she would be wanted back in command.
Staring at the crumpled sheets on her bed and yawning, she jumped when Atlantis's alarm started to scream overhead.
She didn't think twice about grabbing her radio and placing it snugly into her ear.
She did however think twice about contacting Rodney.
She was supposed to be resting after all.
After a minute of listening to the wailing alarm she finally found her voice and activated the comms. "What's going on Rodney?"
"Elizabeth, Doctor Beckett said to rest." The curt response came.
"I would, but that alarm is rather distracting," she said as she left her room and walked down the corridors towards the gate room. "Just tell me what's going on." She stated.
"Markham's team are coming in hot," he said over the radio, "Lt Ash is injured."
Elizabeth paused for a moment and waited a beat, "Is Ash okay?" She could feel her hands shaking as she tapped the radio, "Rodney?"
"They're coming through now," he said and there were the sounds of the gate disengaging, movement, shouting, and Carson was being called.
"Rodney?"
"Ash is okay," he said breathing a sigh of relief, "The teams through safe and sound. You can relax now."
He signed off and Elizabeth leant against the wall for a second to organise her thoughts. She had feared the worst as soon as she heard Ash was injured. She figured that it was going to take a while before she could find solid composure again. Her heart was thumping in her chest so hard, that when she rounded the corner she didn't hear the sounds of oncoming traffic.
She ploughed straight in Major Sheppard's chest.
He recoiled backwards, let out a cough and sagged against the wall. Elizabeth noticed he was dressed in red scrubs, barefoot and trailing an IV pole behind him.
"What are you doing?" she asked grabbing him by the arm.
He looked a truly pathetic sight. His hair was even more dishevelled than usual, a task in itself, and he looked half asleep still. Carson was going to skin him alive.
He closed his eyes and hugged the wall before answering, "I heard one of my Lt's was injured, I thought I could help." He wheezed.
"Barefoot and connected to an I.V?" she asked smiling.
He opened his eyes and gave her an accusatory look, "What are you doing? Aren't you supposed to be resting in your quarters?"
"I heard the alarm," she said clasping and unclasping her hands, "And I was up."
"Well so was I," he said grumpily.
"Infirmary, before Carson catches you," she said steering him down the corridor.
He nodded and began to turn and Elizabeth placed a hand on his arm as he walked very slowly down the corridor, "I didn't hurt you did I?" she asked indicating to his chest.
"Oh that," he said, "No you haven't broken me."
She was about to say something else when she heard the sounds of commotion behind her. Carson and a medical team were steering a gurney down the corridor towards them. Lt Ash was sitting upright and gripping his ankle.
The gurney passed them but Carson stopped dead and let out an exasperated sigh, "What are you two doing?"
Elizabeth and John both looked guiltily at one another and then back to Carson, who had now progressed to hands on hips mode.
"Going for a stroll?" offered John.
Carson shook his head and started to herd John back towards the infirmary, "Why cant you be a nice co-operative patient," he muttered under his breath.
On arriving at the infirmary John was instructed to get into bed and stay in bed and Elizabeth was given similar orders.
As she was tucking him into bed she noticed that he was staring at her. "What?"
"Since coming back, are you….i mean…do you feel any different?" he asked.
"Why do you ask?"
"I was just concerned….. about you?" he said looking at the foot of the bed.
"Me?" she asked, suspecting he was displacing his feelings onto her.
"Yeah..uh you," he said now reaching for a glass of water and taking long sips.
"I have an appointment to talk to Doctor Heightmeyer tomorrow," she said running a hand through her hair. She remembered she had not long got out of bed and was suddenly feeling self conscious. "You know if you want to talk about Lt Blake…if its bothering you,"
She noticed the change in his eyes immediately and he glanced down at his hands before saying, "Who said its bothering me?"
"Well no doubt you feel responsible," said Elizabeth perching on the edge of the bed, "You're not."
John licked his lips, "I'm fine," he said, "Fine."
"Are you sure?" asked Elizabeth reaching for the empty glass he was holding in his hands.
"I'm not feeling too well," he said suddenly and lay back on the bed to emphasise the point, "All that walking around must have tired me out." They locked eyes and she nodded in understanding.
She knew what he was doing. John admitting that he felt ill was a lie. John Sheppard never admitted to any kind of weakness let alone an injury. If he had a knife in his heart he would say it was a scratch. Just like if he was emotionally off keel inside he would say he was 'good' or 'fine'.
She decided to leave him for the time being, knowing that he was never really forthcoming with any kind of personal insight. What she did know of him, she knew purely by instinct or by what was put in his file. If he was going to talk, it would be on his terms.
------------------------
Three weeks. Three weeks of hell. Three weeks of sitting around with nothing but the thoughts in his head. Three weeks of seeing Blakes face every time someone was bought into the infirmary. Three weeks of Carson and his needle happy hands. Three weeks and nothing was going to stop him from leaving the infirmary today.
Not even the stabbing pain at the base of his skull.
Not even that.
"So no strenuous activities, you're still healing. The bruises may have gone down…."
John turned his thoughts back to his freedom and what he would do with. His plan consisted of going down to the shooting range and firing off a few rounds before getting a proper meal.
"And you won't be cleared for duty until you go and see Doctor Heightmeyer,"
That's was most definitely not in his plans today.
He had practically convinced himself that Blake dying was not his fault.
It was a consequence of the military lifestyle.
An acceptable loss.
No that wasn't his voice, that's something military administration would say.
Either way, for any soldier, dying in the field was the best outcome.
Except, Blake had been murdered and not killed preventing a grenade from killing his team mates or jumping in front of a bullet to save a child. He had been slaughtered for Kolya's amusement in revenge for John's previous actions.
No, seeing Heightmeyer was a waste of time.
See he was fine.
"And you'll have to come back for regular blood works over the next few days," said Carson finishing finally.
John nodded and jumped off the bed a little too enthusiastically. He felt the slight jar to his bruised ribs and expertly managed to hide the grimace with a smile, "Thanks Doc,"
"Remember, take it slow and talk to Kate."
John nodded and headed for the door.
Freedom.
--------------------------
Leaving the infirmary felt like leaving behind the stabilizers on a bike.
John was glad when he got down to the shooting range that he was the only one there.
John pulled his berretta from his holster and inspected the gun.
It wasn't his.
His had been taken by the lake. This one felt unfamiliar, the butt didn't have the recognizable scrapes nor the character of the old one and the trigger felt hard. It wasn't moulded like the other and his finger felt foreign to it.
He spent time inspecting the chamber before loading a fresh cartridge and disengaging safety.
He walked over to the line and pointed at the silhouette at the other end of the room.
He imagined it was Kolya.
He fired one shot off and smiled when it hit the centre of the target.
TWO
That one was for Elizabeth.
THREE
That's one was for Blake.
FOUR
Ah fuck it, that one was for Blake too.
FIVE.
That one was for this whole sorry situation.
He continued to fire until the bullets had all been expelled and he ejected the empty, allowing it to clatter to the floor noisily. He regretted it straight away as the sound made him wince and his headache spike.
"Major Sheppard?"
John knew his private moment alone with the target couldn't last forever and he turned deliberately slowly, "Sergeant Bates," he said bending to pick up the cartridge, "I was kinda hoping to fly solo today."
"I've been waiting to talk to you," said Bates taking a step forward out of the dark.
John nodded and reloaded his handgun, "Cant this wait?"
"This report is already overdue."
"Well what do you want to know?" asked John taking up position again and firing off a shot.
"Exactly what happened from your capture to your release," said Bates jumping as John fired off another shot.
John turned to him, raised an eyebrow and then turned back to the target, "Didn't Elizabeth give you her side?" he asked as he fired again.
"I need your side."
John pulled the trigger, "My side." He repeated.
"Sir, could you stop that for a minute?"
John swung around, gun still up and then realising his error immediately pointed it down, "You came down here, remember?"
"Kolya captured you when the Jumper was downed ….right?" John noticed that Bates had had a file in his hands and now he was pulling up a chair at the table where they assembled their weapons. He drew out a pen from a mysterious pocket.
Probably his ass thought John.
Bates held the pen poised.
John sighed, "We were hit by a heavy duty weapon. I didn't see where it was, or what it was. Felt it though," he said moving the gun around in his hands, "I put us down in the lake – the only area of open space-" he said before Bates could complain about his choice of landsite, "And when we got out Koyla was waiting."
Bates nodded and continued to write, "And then?"
"We were taken to a base. It was underground."
"It's location?"
"Unknown. I was unconscious on the way in and out." He closed his eyes and took in a deep breath as another spark of pain shot down his neck, "We were separated. I was taken to a room and beaten, I don't know for how long, but I woke up in a cell with Elizabeth at some point. A few days later."
Standing and having this conversation was taking it all out of him and he took another deep breathe, "We were taken outside. I didn't see where we were. It was raining. Blake was tied up." He swallowed hard and turned back towards the target for a brief minute.
"Major Sheppard?"
John turned back to him, "They wanted to know about Earth. The Genii are thinking of relocating rather than fighting the war with the Wraith. I wouldn't talk so they killed Lt Blake. Is that it?"
"How did they kill Blake?"
"What the hell kind of question is that?" asked John beginning to feel hot, "Do you want to know specifically how many pints of blood he lost as well? They cut his damn throat." He said feeling his body tense. He didn't want to talk about this anymore. Too many people had died under his command and this one was near pushing him over the edge.
Bates nodded and seemed to regret his question. He finished writing and then looked up, "Doctor Beckett says you were drugged. What do you remember after Blake's death?"
John tried to recall the events afterwards, but still he was looking at nothingness.
"I don't remember," he stated.
"Are you sure?"
"What do you mean, am I sure Sergeant? If I could remember don't you think I would tell you."
"I'm not sure. If you or Doctor Weir have been compromised in any way-"
John shook his head, "No, no look. Kolya let us go. That's it. He wanted us to remember the look on Blake's face when he died. Nothing more. That was his plan all along. If it hadn't of been Blake it would have been Elizabeth."
That thought made him feel physically sick as he realised it could have gone that way. Would he have made the same decision?
"Sir?"
"Bates leave it at that!" he shouted and as his voice echoed he realised that was not the only sound he had heard. He realised that as he had bought his hands up in exasperation he had put pressure on the trigger and had fired off a shot. The bullet thankfully didn't ricochet and headed in a safe direction but it was enough for Bates to start scribbling something down in his file.
"That was an acci………Bates don't put that in the file," he said dejectedly.
"I'm sorry Sir, but it will be my suggestion to Doctor Beckett that he confine you and Doctor Weir to your rooms until we are sure you didn't tell Kolya anything you shouldn't." He stood and started for the door.
John dropped his gun onto the table and bought his hands up to rub at his face, "You do that," he said wearily.
He pulled on the wire until the target was within reach and inspected it.
One shot had hit dead centre.
The others had missed.
He was definitely off his game.
----------------------
John walked to the commissary all the while feeling hot with rage. Bates was on a one man crusade to wind him up.
He grabbed a tray at the counter and loaded it up without looking. For all he knew he could have been eating the napkins.
When he sat down he saw Teyla, Aiden and Rodney were all sat on the table opposite him and Rodney gave him a little wave.
On noticing that John wasn't moving they all picked up their trays and moved to sit next to him.
"Good to see you out of the infirmary," said Aiden.
"Yes, are you supposed to be out?" asked Rodney taking a bite out of a bread roll.
John looked down at his tomato soup and grimaced, "Yeah. I was let out this morning."
"You look much better," said Teyla trying to catch his eye.
The three of them watched him as he stared down at the soup.
"If you don't want it, I'll eat it," said Rodney already reaching for John's spoon. His hand was promptly slapped away and John snapped his head up.
"It's fine," he said looking at the red liquid and picked up his spoon to take a sip. Again he just stared at it. It reminded him too much of blood. The thought of eating it made his stomach churn and finally he pushed it towards Rodney and reached for his sandwich.
"Maybe I don't want it now," said Rodney.
"Just eat it," said Aiden noticing the look of frustration on his superiors face.
Teyla too seemed to tense beside him, sensing that something was array, "Are you sure you are okay?" she asked.
"Question of the month," said John through a mouthful of turkey sandwich, "It takes more than Kolya to bring me down."
"How long before you can resume your stick practice?" asked Teyla having a sip of her Athosian tea.
John shrugged, "Beckett says not for at least another month, but I'll be healed up before then."
"If Doctor Beckett says a month then-"
"He's just covering his behind," said John notice the confusion flash across Teyla's face.
"I have some stuff in my lab I need you to touch," said Rodney wiping his mouth with a serviette.
Aiden sniggered and covered his mouth, "Sorry?"
"Childish," said Rodney scowling.
"Great," said John putting the sandwich down on the plate. He wasn't that hungry, but he knew if he didn't finish it then they would report him to Carson. He took another bite to ensure his continued freedom from the infirmary.
Rodney looked at his watch and jumped up, "We're late," he said putting everything back onto his tray.
"For?" asked John having a sip of water.
"You don't know?" asked Rodney, "Mx5647"
"Holed up in bed remember?" said John.
"We're going off-world Sir," said Aiden standing up, "With SGA three."
"SGA?"
"Stargate Atlantis team three," elaborated Aiden.
"You mean Hunters team," said John, "Don't fix what ain't broke."
"We had better go. Enjoy your meal," said Teyla and she scurried off with Aiden. Before Rodney could walk away John called him back over and got up to join him.
"What?" asked Rodney still chewing.
John sighed and then rolled his eyes before reaching down and pulling out Rodney's handgun.
"What are you doing?" asked Rodney as John checked the barrel and the cartridge and then turned his attention to Rodney vest.
He handed the gun back to him and sat down again in front of his sandwich.
"Did I miss something?" asked Rodney.
John looked away and then back up to meet Rodney's gaze, "I was just checking your gear. I don't want anything to…I wanted to make sure everything was safe and-" he stopped and took a bite of his sandwich before he could say anything else stupid.
Rodney understood and nodded, also very embarrassed, "Oh thanks, safe…yeah,"
John smiled, "Be careful out there."
Rodney gave him a mock salute, which John nearly shot him himself for, and then he hurried off to the gateroom.
----------------
John practically ran out to the balcony after his meal. It hadn't settled well and he leant against the railing and put his forehead down on it.
He felt so dislocated from everything and everyone. He had just rejected a bowl of soup on the basis it resembled blood. He had previously been careless with his firearm. And now he was leaning against a railing and hyperventilating. Perhaps seeing Kate Heightmeyer wasn't such a bad idea, considering he was obviously losing his mind.
It had all been triggered by Kolya. He swore if he found that rat bastard again he would show absolutely no compassion. To hell with their points system.
"You bastard," he seethed and rubbed at his neck.
"Should I be offended?"
John lifted his head from the railing and stared forward as Elizabeth came to join him. She stayed just far enough away so they weren't touching.
"I'm going to find Kolya," he said finding his calm, "And I'm going to kill him."
Elizabeth was at a loss for words. "Beckett let you go then?" she asked changing the subject.
He nodded, "Yeah,"
"I talked to Kate again today. You should really think about going to see her."
"No thanks," he said turning to face her. She noticed the bags under his eyes.
"She's really helped me. Talking has put things into perspective." She said trying to instil a little hope in John. At the moment he seemed utterly depressed.
"Can of worms," he said simply.
"You don't have to talk about anything you don't want to," she said feeling dumb for saying the obvious.
"In my case that's nothing. So I'll save her the bother."
"Without talking to her, you cant go back on duty."
"I'm the commanding Officer. I cant just go off duty forever." He said breathing in the crisp air. It was making his stomach settle. "Beckett will give at some point."
"But I wont," she said. "Bates has offered to take over for the duration," she said crossing her arms.
"Oh I bet he has," he said sighing. "Fine, I'll talk to the shrink. But in my own time."
Elizabeth nodded.
"You fancy watching a movie tonight or something?" he asked looking out to the horizon. He wondered what the Athosian's were up to on the mainland. Perhaps he could go over there for a few days.
Elizabeth didn't answer. She seemed to be thinking.
John turned and placed his arm playfully around her shoulder. He didn't miss the tense of her muscles and the way she took a step backwards. He furrowed his brow and cocked his head, "Why do you always do that?" he asked.
Elizabeth leant against the railing, "What?" she asked playing dumb.
"Flinch away from me like that?" he said taking a step closer to her, "You know, I can touch you and people don't assume we're having sex." He said frankly.
Elizabeth was almost taken aback at his tone, "We should always be seen to be having a purely professional relationship," she said.
John couldn't believe his ears and he turned away from her, "I just wanted to watch a movie with my friend," he said rubbing at his neck.
"Headache?" she asked and he flinched away.
"Yeah," he closed his eyes and rubbed, "Been getting a lot of them lately."
Elizabeth nodded, "Same here."
"Look, I'm sorry," said John looking up at her, "I'm just in a bad mood. Bates got me all wound up and irritable."
"Its okay," said Elizabeth, "Why don't you go and get some rest?"
He swallowed thickly, "Yeah I might do that."
TBC
Only a few more chapters before you find out what's really going on. Then some!
