Due to the nature of this fic, I will be editing sexual interactions out from now on. If you want that, you'll have to go to my Ao3 account. Thank you for all the follows and comments! I love hearing from you! :)
Bucky waltzed into the living room where the HYDRA tech had been deposited. He looked at the sleeping bodies around him. It was unnerving how easy it was to take down the Avengers. Hill, Barton, Romanov, Rogers, Stark, Banner… Earth's mightiest heroes− and they fell to swift arrows from a higher vantage point. From Bucky's research, he'd learned much about the Avengers when he was googling Steve. They'd saved New York. They had become the poster men and women for the United States…the world, and here they were, asleep on the floor as Bucky stepped over Barton, careful not to accidentally step atop him. Bucky had no ill-will toward any of them. He knew they were uncertain of him, possibly even hated him for what he'd done to Peggy Carter, but he held no hatred for them. They were simply just in the way. They were in HYDRA's way. Bucky would do anything to further HYDRA's cause, even if it meant using real arrows next time. 'But what about Steve?'
He walked over to one of the computers, focusing his mind on the mission and less on the blonde that was sleeping, sprawled out on the floor. Luckily the computer was already on thanks to Stark. Bucky gently moved Stark out of the way; carefully moving his slumped-over body against Hill's so Bucky could slide into the chair. Metal and flesh hands worked quickly, bringing up the mainframe and locating the Asset Program, code name Winter Soldier. Bucky hovered over the folder. He wanted to click it. He wanted to open it and see who he'd been and what he was before HYDRA, but something cold ran up his spine and he whimpered at the thought. He had been nothing before HYDRA. He owed HYDRA everything. They'd given him true purpose, true identity. It didn't matter who he'd been before HYDRA. HYDRA was everything now.
So he removed the data, watching as the files slowly ate away at themselves until there was nothing left but an empty folder. The Winter Soldier was no more. It was oddly freeing, knowing whatever Bucky was before HYDRA was gone. He had no reason to doubt HYDRA ever again. He had no temptation or desire to think back on days before he was saved by their cause. He was free from the shackles of self-doubt and wonder.
He stood up, pulling Stark back into the chair and setting him up, slumping him over the keyboard. Bucky pulled the tranq out of his shoulder. He went to each sleeping body, pulling the darts out. He paused above Steve, kneeling down and tracing Steve's cheekbone with his flesh index finger. Steve was gorgeous. The way he'd moved his lips atop Bucky's cock had been gorgeous. Bucky traced the man's red lips lightly, staring with dull, removed eyes. Steve would never love this Bucky the way he'd loved the real one. He'd always see a murderer first, a criminal or a weak, misguided HYDRA agent. Steve would never accept Bucky. The only acceptance Bucky had was HYDRA. 'So would I kill Steve?'
Bucky stood up, fingering the tranq arrows in his hand as he looked about the room again. This had been his mission. This was furthering HYDRA. He'd succeeded. He needed to report back to Rumlow, or any of his new supervisors. He wasn't sure who they were yet, but he'd know in due time…if necessary. Bucky understood the order of HYDRA. He was told the information he needed to get a mission done. He wasn't bogged with frivolous information. It's what made him so efficient. Steve was starting to bog him down, but it was a feeling that Bucky didn't honestly mind. He enjoyed it. He relished in it. Steve's attention, his touch, his voice…it was the most Bucky had ever gotten to experience with another human outside of killing them. Bucky would by lying if he said he enjoyed how HYDRA kept him, but he understood. Cryofreeze was necessary to preserve him and his skills. HYDRA needed him, so they took the utmost care in making sure Bucky wouldn't age or die, but he'd been out for far too long now. Would HYDRA let him have somewhat of a life after this was all over? They couldn't freeze him anymore. He'd age and die. How would they keep him now?
Bucky walked to the stairs, ready to report back to HYDRA and set the stage. He had to make this betrayal against Steve believable.
No, this wasn't betrayal. Bucky was loyal to HYDRA. He'd done everything as requested. The betrayal was Bucky to HYDRA for admitting he loved Steve Rogers. For admitting that he couldn't kill him.
He couldn't. He loved him too much. But what if the order was given?
Bucky had roughly an hour or two before Steve would burn through the tranquilizer. Calmly, Bucky flipped open his phone, dialing the one number that was in the contacts. It rang a few times before someone finally answered, sounding gruff and in pain.
'Hello?' Rumlow answered.
"I've removed the Winter Soldier data from the computers. Is there a team that can extract the tech?" Bucky asked smoothly, looking outside from the corner against the window. He watched a jogger run on by.
'I can have a group there in fifteen minutes.'
"Hurry. I don't know how long Rogers will be down. His metabolism is similar to mine."
'We're aware. So the Asset program's been removed. Entirely?' Rumlow's voice was tight and uncertain.
"Entirely. I didn't look at it." Bucky knew what Rumlow was really after. Of course Rumlow would be curious if Bucky had looked. Logically, anyone who'd been dislocated from their true self would want to know who they'd been once. Bucky disagreed. This made everything simpler. He wasn't who he was before and he never would be. Whoever that man was, he was dead, buried and gone. Bucky served a higher purpose now.
'Excellent! Good job! I'm being released from the hospital in a week. I'll call you and we'll rendezvous, okay?'
Bucky couldn't deny the flutter in his stomach at the appraisal from Rumlow. He allowed a small, hint of a smile to play at the smooth corners of his mouth. He was doing good. He was good for HYDRA. "Yessir," Bucky responded, his voice lighter than it had been. The Avengers had been a distraction. Steve had been a distraction. It was easier when Bucky was dealing with HYDRA agents. He genuinely liked Rumlow. But he liked Steve too… He liked the distraction Steve provided. He liked the validation he felt when Steve looked at him…well…had looked at him. Bucky had set everything back when he slit Peggy's throat.
There was a click, signaling that Rumlow hung up. Bucky looked at the phone momentarily, wondering if it was customary to just…end a conversation like that. It didn't entirely seem right, but Rumlow had voiced approval and Bucky was happy, so it wasn't like he'd done something wrong. It must be normal, besides, HYDRA agents had to get here quickly, otherwise Steve would be awake and that would complicate things.
Bucky sat on the bed, the pads of his fingers roaming the dips and ruffles of the bed's sheets. He'd just been here; just an hour ago, engaged in some form of activity with Steve that had felt so good. Was it normal? Was this supposed to happen like this? Steve had mentioned love-making. Bucky thought love was all emotional. What else was there?
Bucky rolled from the bed, going over to his bag that he kept hidden in the closet. He pulled out the tablet, pushing the internet icon with his finger and typing in "love-making."
Images of men, women, hearts, and stupid little cartoons came up. Bucky scrolled, reading the links. "17 Sex Positions Your Man Will Love," "Making Love vs Sex." The list went on and on, but Bucky clicked the latter.
The article discussed sex, the act of penal penetration into the vagina (a body part Bucky was more than sure he didn't have). It talked about the difference between "fucking" and "love-making." Love-making was slow, sensual and patient where fucking was hot, dirty, frantic and desperate. Both were seen as completely okay and both were said to make couples happy and switching it up was fine. But Bucky didn't have a vagina… So was he unable to make love to Steve?
He went back to Google once more, typing in male love-making. Articles popped up and a few images of men kissing men. Bucky smiled, relief flooding his features as he'd come to the conclusion what he felt for Steve was perfectly okay. But was HYDRA okay with it? He bit his lip, clicking one of the articles called, "GAYSIA, How To Make Love To A Man." Bucky's mouth dropped as the images were accompanied by text that explained how men showed their affections for other men. Anal penetration. Zones… ears, necks, toes, shoulders, don't use baby oil or it'll break condoms, stick to water based lubricants… the information went on and on, but it wasn't overwhelming. It was relieving. Bucky could do this. He wanted to do this. He wanted to show Steve that he knew what he was doing. He'd just have to get Steve to…let him. He'd have to make Steve forget he killed Peggy Carter and just let go like he'd done that fateful hour ago.
A car door slammed. Bucky jumped, instantly exiting the page and shoving the tablet into the bag as if it had been a hot coal. He shoved the bag back into the dark corner of the closet and looked out the window. They were men all dressed in black. Bucky wasn't sure if it was HYDRA or CIA. He went down the stairs. Immediately, one of the men said, "Hail HYDRA." Bucky's shoulders relaxed. It was casual, like he was simply saying hello to Bucky, but it was all the information Bucky needed.
He watched from the staircase as the men took the technology, piling it up into the back of a black van. None of them spoke to Bucky. Most of them seemed slightly unnerved by him, minus the one who'd spoke. They talked in hushed whispers, careful not to wake any of the Avengers. Their handling of Stark wasn't so easy. They'd shoved him off the chair, watching as he stirred, but the drugs in his body were too heavy and he simply went back to sleep.
After everything was packed up, and the men were gone, Bucky hurried back upstairs. He sat on his chair, watching the door. He wondered how much time he had left before Steve woke up. Steve would be angry and confused. Bucky would have to figure out how to make himself look less conspicuous. He stood up, looking at his metal arm before punching himself several times and taking one of the empty tranqs and stabbing it into his arm before returning it to with the rest of the empty tranqs. He paused, realizing he had no proper way to dispose of them. He'd been an idiot for taking them out of the Avengers but…he'd found it sympathetic to remove them. He rolled his eyes at himself. HYDRA wouldn't fall because of a stupid mistake like that. He shoved them into his bag in the closet. He would not be the reason HYDRA failed this mission all because he had sympathy…
He made his way back to the stairs where he slumped on the landing, one leg haphazardly sliding down and the other hooked into the white railing. He dropped his head back, closing his eyes, praying Steve would buy this staging.
Steve stirred; his leg throbbed for a moment as he moved to get on his knees. He looked down, seeing a small hole in his sweatpants. He looked around the room, eyes going wide as saucers as he frantically checked the pulses and bodies of his companions. They were all breathing. They were all asleep. He groaned, feeling the murky haze on his brain slowly ebb away. He jumped, realizing the room that had been filled with HYDRA tech was now empty. "Oh shit!" he said aloud. He shook Stark, gingerly at first and then with more ferocity. "Stark! Stark!"
"Pepper," Tony groaned. "Give me five more minutes. I'll let you handcuff me to the bed tonight."
Steve laughed, cocking a brow as he watched Tony fall back asleep. He'd be more worried if that response hadn't been the one to come out. He rolled his eyes, moving over to Natasha. "Natasha! Natasha! Wake up."
Her brow furrowed, green eyes blinking open. "W-what happened?" she asked groggily. "Jesus, my head."
"Someone stole the tech," Steve answered.
Natasha's head snapped around, looking at every corner and wall of the room. "Where's Bucky?"
Together, they both moved toward the parlor, Steve gasping when he saw Bucky, bleeding and passed out at the top of the stairs. "Bucky!" He ran up the stairs, pulling Bucky into his lap.
"Steve…" Natasha said hesitantly. "What if he had something to do with this?"
Steve whipped his head to face Natasha, lingering a few steps below him. "Then why's he on the floor?"Truthfully, Steve wasn't sure. Bucky could have everything to do with this, and he could have nothing to do with it at all. Steve didn't know. Steve didn't care. Bucky was bleeding and unresponsive to his gentle shakes of his shoulders and that terrified Steve to the core. If he'd failed Bucky again… If Bucky was going to slip from his fingers once more… Steve couldn't live with himself.
"Hey," Steve cooed, running his fingers through Bucky's hair. "Hey Buck, wake up, wake up Bucky."
Bucky's brow furrowed. He opened his mouth, groaning as pain seemed to latch into his jaw. "The fuck?" he grumbled.
Natasha turned around, going back down to most likely wake up the others.
Bucky's steel-blue eyes fluttered open, instantly locking with Steve's. His eyes rounded and he grabbed at Steve's white v-neck shirt, fisting into the fabric. "Steve! Steve I tried. I tried to stop it!"
"Shhh, shh, it's okay," Steve said, petting Bucky, holding him a bit closer. "You're face is all cut up."
Bucky gingerly pressed flesh fingers to his lip, wincing as the sting reverberated his lips. "I'm so sorry," he said. "I tried to stop it."
"What happened?" Steve asked. This wasn't a time to notice how desperate Bucky's fingers clung to Steve's shirt. This wasn't a time to notice how beautiful and desperate those frantic eyes looked. This certainly wasn't a time to wonder how badly it would hurt if Steve pressed his lips against Bucky's cracked and bleeding ones… It wasn't a good time for any of this, but Steve was letting the thoughts run through his head as if a dam had burst up there. He continued to intertwine his fingers in Bucky's hair, massaging the scalp soothingly.
Bucky relaxed into Steve, his grip going slack around the stretched out fabric of Steve's shirt. "I dunno. I was just…kind of preparing myself…to see the files. I just needed a second to let it all sink in. I was on my way down when I heard the window break. You went down and it was like a ghost was there. You all went down one by one. I…" His voice wavered. He took in a deep breath. "I froze up here. I don't know why. I was just…scared. I thought they were gonna take me again."
Steve winced. He swallowed hard, pulling Bucky closer to him so Bucky was cradled against his neck. He rocked the man back and forth gently. Of course Bucky had been scared. HYDRA was the reason Bucky was like this now… HYDRA was the reason Bucky killed Peggy. He was suffering, two minds trapped in one and it was all HYDRA's damn fault. Steve felt his fingers shake as anger coursed into his veins, heating up his body. He hated them. He wanted them all dead; every last one of them. They all deserved to die for what they did to Bucky.
It amazed Steve how fast he could put Peggy down as an accident when he'd been there. He'd seen how calm Bucky was. He saw the disconnected look in Bucky's eyes. Yet here he was, cursing HYDRA and making excuses for Bucky. He didn't forgive Bucky. Bucky had, on his own volition, elected to end Peggy's life. But he understood without HYDRA, Bucky would have never done such a thing. They all had a part to play, Steve included. They were all the reason Peggy Carter was dead.
"Steve?" Bucky asked, reaching up and cupping Steve's face. "Are you angry with me?" Steve shivered at the vulnerability in Bucky's voice. Those round, stormy-blue eyes were begging, pleading Steve to look back at him, to comfort him or tell him everything was going to be okay, and Steve… Steve was just sitting there, battling the demons and voices in his head as he tried to understand why Bucky had become this.
"I'm not angry with you, Bucky," Steve said, pushing a kiss into Bucky's palm. He felt his heart squeeze as Bucky's face lit up with the tiniest of smiles. This Bucky was nothing like the old one. He was small (when actually he was much larger than Bucky had been in WWII), insecure and desperate. The old Bucky had been large, with a huge personality that commanded a room, sure of himself and sturdy. Steve had clutched to him every night, not the other way around. Bucky was clutching to Steve like Steve had clutched to Bucky all those years ago. He'd never be the old Bucky. Steve didn't know if he loved this new Bucky, but he understood him. And that's as far as he wanted to think about it. "How'd you get your face beat in?"
Bucky let out an airy laugh, wincing as his lip protested, the small healing wound breaking open again, glistening with a line of fresh blood. "I don't think they thought I'd be here. They came in and I was gonna attack them, but one guy shot me in the arm with something." He pointed to the small, circular wound in his forearm. "I didn't go down instantly, so he ran up the stairs and punched me till I blacked out."
Steve nodded, chewing the story and swallowing it down. Natasha doubted Bucky's loyalty. They all doubted Bucky's loyalty at this point. Bucky had no evidence to support the contrary and Steve understood that, but this… If this had been HYDRA, of course Bucky would have been frantic. Of course he'd have been afraid. It all made sense to Steve. Bucky didn't do this. Bucky would never do such a thing. Bucky had more reasons to hate HYDRA over Steve. "Let's go clean your face up, k?" Steve offered softly, scooting out from under Bucky and pulling him up with both hands. He wrapped an arm around Bucky, holding him steady with another hand against his abdomen.
Together, they went into the bathroom. Bucky leaned against the sink, watching Steve with a hazy gaze. It was heavy, like he was swimming in alcohol, but Steve was pretty sure Bucky couldn't get drunk, just like Steve couldn't get drunk. "You doin' okay, pal?" Steve asked as he opened up a first aid kit.
Bucky nodded. "I'm okay."
Steve moved to stand in front of Bucky, taking a washcloth and reaching around Bucky to quickly wet it before bringing it against Bucky's face softly. Bucky winced a few times, but made no indication that he was truly in pain. Steve moved to pull away to get the Neosporin when he felt his sweatpants tug. Bucky had laced his fingers into the waist band without Steve even noticing. Steve smiled awkwardly, breathing out. "Bucky…"
Bucky's hands instantly shot away. He looked away, his lashes downcast, hiding those stormy eyes. "M'sorry," he mumbled.
Steve cleared his throat, taking a long inhale through his nose. He was going to say something. He was going to offer some kind of vague response but that all crumbled when Bucky's voice penetrated into the silence, shattering it like a rubber mallet smashing against a glass window.
"Do you hate me, Steve?"
Steve sighed. They'd talked about this earlier. It hadn't even been twenty-four hours since that question was asked and Bucky was bringing it up again, which only meant that Bucky didn't trust Steve to be honest. Steve leaned back against the wall, dropping the wet cloth to the floor. He'd pick it up later.
"Do you think I hate you?" Steve asked, taking a different route than he had previously.
Bucky's jaw twitched as he looked to be in thought. "I think you do."
"Why?" Steve felt the lump in his throat. He wanted to wrap his arms around Bucky. He wanted to kiss the side of his face and tangle his fingers into the brown mop atop Buckys' head. But Peggy… They hadn't even laid her to rest and here Steve was talking to her killer. Making excuses for her killer and pretending something else was the cause when Steve knew better. Bucky killed Peggy. Bucky. There'd been no mission. There'd been no reason.
Bucky licked at his lip, his tongue played with the cut down the middle of his bottom lip. Steve sucked his lips in, trying his best to ignore the twitch of his dick as he watched Bucky's pink, slick tongue play at the wound. "Cause I killed your girlfriend."
"She wasn't my girlfriend," Steve interjected.
"Who was she?" Bucky asked softly, his voice raw. "She meant a lot to you. Don't lie to me cause I can see it."
Steve nodded, slowly accepting that this conversation had to happen. He didn't want it, but Bucky did. Perhaps Bucky was remorseful. Perhaps he regretted his actions. "She was…we all had…" Steve fought for words but no entry into it seemed appropriate or entirely honest. "I loved her."
Bucky winced, his brow twitching as pain washed over his face. He swallowed hard, pushing his lips together tightly. The act must have caused pain because his eyes started to water.
"But I loved you too," Steve continued. "I loved both of you and you knew that."
"You mean James Barnes knew that," Bucky shot back.
"Bucky," Steve said, flailing his arms in exasperation for a moment. "You are James Barnes. You were with me back in the war. You met Peggy at a bar in England with me. We'd been together for years but it wasn't accepted. We were roommates but we were lovers and then you were always pushing to make face and have us go out on dates with dames we didn't give a shit about and then Peggy…"
"You gave a shit about her." It wasn't a question. It was a blank matter-of-fact statement. It was as blank as Bucky's face and Steve was almost terrified of how recoiled Bucky had gone into his own head.
Steve winced. He didn't want to give the answer, but he knew it would only make things worse if he danced around the question. "Yes. Very much so."
"And Ja- I mean, did I know that?"
"You did," Steve stated.
Bucky nodded− his face still blank. He wasn't looking at Steve. He'd found a corner of the bathroom and he'd decided it to be the most interesting corner of them all. Steve didn't mind. It almost made this easier. If Bucky looked at him, it would all come tumbling out and Bucky didn't need that right now. Steve had to be the bigger person. He had to be the stronger one.
"So we were together, but you were…with her too?" Bucky asked.
"Not technically, Well…yeah. It was a complicated time…"
"Why?" Bucky asked meekly. "Cause of the war?"
"That. The times. Guys like us didn't get to be together. If the army knew we were inverts they'd do a lot more than just kick us out."
"Inverts? Gay?" Bucky asked, tilting his head to the side. He still didn't look up at Steve.
"Yeah. Gay." Steve leaned against the wall, pressing his hands over his butt so his palms balanced his weight as he bounced off the wall lightly, anxious for this conversation to find an end.
"So what was gonna happen to me? If you loved her and we weren't allowed to be together…what was gonna happen to me?"
The question wasn't unwarranted, but it still sliced through Steve like a rusted knife. It dug guilt deep into the shadows of his stomach, coiling around his spine and yanking. He cleared his throat, trying to remember the sensation was just all in his mind. "Bucky…"
"Please answer me, Steve. This'll help decide a lot of things for me."
Steve furrowed his brow. "Like what?"
Bucky finally looked up. The rims around his eyes were red and his steel-blues were glossy as tears threatened to fall. He looked paler, younger, but older all the same. He looked frighteningly like he did during the war, but there was a horror in those eyes, one that hadn't been there before the train accident. Was that all it was now? Just an accident? Was Steve surmising Bucky's entire post-war life to the unfortunate tragedy of a single accident? It was wrong. It didn't sit right. Nothing about this sat right. "I love you," Bucky said, interjecting into Steve's thoughts. "But I'll keep my distance from you. I owe Peggy that."
Steve's heart froze. He stilled, no longer bouncing himself softly off the wall. He stared, slack jaw and slightly horrified by the words that were coming from Bucky's mouth. Peggy had been killed yesterday and Steve was already starting to find excuses to pull Bucky against him. He was already trying to find the words that said, "No, Bucky, stay with me forever…" Bucky didn't owe Peggy anything and yet… it was the one, last thing Bucky had that he could sacrifice to show how sorry he was for killing Peggy. Bucky wasn't a monster. He was confused, broken and mangled. Steve needed to be there for him. He had to do something. He had to bring Bucky back from this. It wasn't his fault…
But Steve didn't say anything. He stood there, his mouth still hanging open, watching Bucky's face fill with more and more hurt till he was practically drowning. Steve could save him. All he had to do was say or do something. Steve could end this.
But he didn't. He…couldn't. Peggy was dead. Bucky was alive and Peggy was dead. So instead, he finally answered Bucky's question, saying the words that he so desperately wished he wouldn't say. "I was gonna break up with you and marry her."
Bucky allowed thick tears to fall from his eyes. Two giant tearstains splayed against the cotton of his shirt. "Okay," he said, his voice cracking. "Okay."
"Bucky…" Steve said, reaching out, but Bucky swatted his hand away.
"It's okay, Steve. Really. I killed your girlfriend. I get it. Why would you wanna be with someone like me when you could'a had someone like her?" Bucky slipped out of the bathroom. His feet were silent as a ghost. Steve had no idea where he'd gone.
Steve grabbed the sink, gasping and choking for air as the realization finally started to sink in. Bucky had left him… Bucky had−ended it with him. They were over. All that history, all that love… it was over. It was gone. Steve felt his stomach lurch and twist inside. He was going to be sick.
He dropped to the floor, resting on his knees as he kicked the bathroom door closed. He wretched into the toilet; tasting the acidic yogurt and bitter coffee from breakfast. He hadn't eaten anything since. It was disgusting. He officially hated yogurt. He hated himself. He'd already hated himself. Everything that was happening was because of Steve and he couldn't stop it from happening. It needed to happen. Bucky was his friend, he'd always be his friend, but that's all they'd be now. Steve couldn't reach out and touch him, he couldn't kiss him, he couldn't hold him… He'd just gotten Bucky back and now he'd lost him again. He wretched again, heaving into the toilet. His eyes burned with tears as his body convulsed under the strain. He coughed, spitting out the remnants of whatever bile was floating around in his stomach. He felt empty. He was empty. Bucky was everything and now Bucky was walking away because Bucky recognized that he'd done something wrong and this was the only way to atone for it, and Steve understood that. Steve understood and accepted that and now Steve was letting it happen when he could easily say something to the contrary but he was letting it happen because it needed to happen even if he didn't want it to happen!
He sat back, one knee up so he could lazily balance his wrist over it as he slammed his head back against the wall. This was all his fault. He could do something. He could change this. He didn't need to let Bucky go. He could get up, walk down the hall and find Bucky. He could kiss the brunette and hold him and say how sorry he was, but he just…sat there. He just sat there.
Bucky felt like his body was being poked by a million tiny pins and needles. He walked down the stairs, knowing exactly what he was about to get himself into. HYDRA had succeeded. They'd removed the tech, deleted the Winter Soldier files and now Bucky was going down to the Avengers, a group of people who couldn't trust him. He'd left Steve in the bathroom, but he'd heard the sounds as Steve gagged and threw up. He wondered why Steve reacted so…animatedly. Steve didn't love him right? Steve would have picked Peggy. Why was Steve reacting like this? Bucky was the one who should be over that toilet. He was the one who should be doubled over and allowing tears to fall, but he wasn't. He was keeping everything inside. He had to give Steve up. He had to give Steve up for the sake of this mission or if the order was given to kill Steve, Bucky wouldn't be able to do it. This was necessary. It had to be done.
He hated himself. He just wanted to go back into that bathroom and curl into Steve. He wanted to cry and say that it had all been a mistake and that he was sorry, so sorry, and all he wanted was Steve's kiss and his gentle, soothing voice. But Bucky kept walking, crossing the foyer and looking into the parlor.
Bucky saw the Avengers, all huddled there. Natasha was on the couch, lounging with her legs propped up on Clint. Tony was standing, pacing throughout the room. Sam was sitting atop the coffee table. Bruce was in the armchair and Hill was sitting on the piano bench. They all looked over at Bucky. No one smiled. No one waved. They just stared at him.
"Heard you took a beating," Tony said. "HYDRA?"
Bucky nodded. He stopped in the wide entryway, leaning his metal arm against the molding of the archway.
"Did you see any of their faces?" Tony asked, pausing his pacing.
"Yes," Bucky answered.
"What'd they look like?" Natasha asked. She was twirling one of her red locks of hair around a finger.
Bucky sniffed, using the distraction of his running nose as a way to think up what to create here. He'd have to lie. He couldn't give them the description of any real HYDRA agents. They'd find the person and kill them. The cab driver… "White, maybe Italian or Greek. Large beaked nose with thick, black eyebrows. Stood about six foot."
Natasha's eyes narrowed, but she said nothing.
"Well that narrows it down," Bruce began. "DC is full of Italian and Greek descent. It's DC. It's full of everything."
"But mostly shit," Tony said, scratching at the back of his head. "Sorry, saw a joke, tried to run with it. It was bad wasn't it?" He walked behind the piano, reaching over Hill and running his fingers down the keys. The noise bothered Bucky, but not as much as the numb feeling that was growing inside him. Steve was still upstairs. He wanted to see him. He wanted to take back everything he'd just said but he couldn't. Steve clearly didn't want Bucky anymore. Steve wanted Peggy and Bucky killed Peggy.
Steve would never be Bucky's. He'd always be Peggy's…always be James Barnes'. Theirs. Not his. No matter how much he wished Steve would be his, Bucky was just a HYDRA agent, charged with the task of spying on the Avengers, Steve included. He'd have to put Steve down one day… He'd have to face it. He couldn't keep pretending it would never happen. He'd be faced with the ultimate choice… HYDRA or Steve.
"Okay, so here's my thoughts," Tony said as the keys to the piano rang softly from his molestation of them. "HYDRA clearly wanted their stuff. They got their stuff. What would be your next move if you just got your stuff back…"
"I'd…use my stuff," Bruce replied as he cocked a brow.
Tony pointed at Bruce, wagging his finger enthusiastically. "That's my man. Look at him. Isn't he beautiful?"
Bruce rolled his eyes.
"So they're gonna do what then?" Sam asked. "Make a new Asset?"
Tony shrugged. "Dunno. But they're going to need to set up a new spot with all that tech, and that tech is going to need some serious energy use."
"You're going to monitor energy grids aren't you?" Natasha asked.
Tony spun around, now waggling his finger at Natasha. "Bingo! She's a beaut ain't she?"
"Then we're going to get it back?" another voice asked. Bucky spun around, looking at Steve. His face was pale and he looked like a guy suffering from pneumonia. Funny…Bucky had never seen anyone with pneumonia before. Why would he know what it would look like on Steve?
"Yep," Tony said, popping the "p" syllable. "I don't like it when people take my stuff that I've taken from them. It just keeps the circle going and I hate that. Plus, they hit me with a tranq dart. That shit's low."
Bucky silently huffed under his breath, sucking his lips in and trying to look like he wasn't the reason there was a tiny hole in Stark's shoulder. He looked over to Steve. What was he thinking right now? Was he just as lost and numb as Bucky? Was he upset? Sad? Did Bucky make him sad? Why did the idea of Steve being affected by Bucky give him so much…joy? Since Bucky could remember, he'd always been a follower. He'd always answered to someone else and allowed the shots to be called for him. He'd called this shot. He got to see its aftermath. It was upsetting and uncomfortable, but he was in control. He couldn't describe the euphoric joy that gave him. He'd made a decision of his own. He hated it, but it was his and he'd made it. It was confusing, to be both happy and sad at the same time. Bucky wanted nothing more than to press his face into Steve's shoulder and let the man wrap his arm around him, but he'd made this decision. If he was going to get back into Steve's good graces, if he was to complete his mission for HYDRA, Steve needed to trust him. This was the only way Bucky saw it could work. He'd give Steve up for HYDRA…and for Steve himself.
"I'm going to set up shop upstairs. Banner?" Tony snapped his fingers a few times, swaying his hips. He looked oddly thrilled for a guy who was just slumped over on the floor due to a tranquilizer. "I could use some help."
Bruce stood up, nodding and sighing heavily. "You'd be lost without me."
"Damn right!" Tony proudly announced. The two went up the stairs.
Sam scoffed. "We should tell the CIA what happened. They may want you to get the tech back," Sam said evenly, looking directly at Steve.
Steve nodded, his gaze firmly planted on anything that wasn't Bucky. Bucky hated being so close and yet so far away. He could reach his arm out and touch Steve's arm, but it was like Steve was in another dimension and Bucky was trapped in the illusion of immediate proximity. "I'll give Sharon a call." Steve pulled out his phone, walking into the foyer.
Bucky bit his lip, wincing as he opened the wound again. He'd have to remember it was there next time.
"Why'd they leave you?" Clint asked. Bucky was so taken aback by the question that he physically stepped back, hovering more in the foyer than the parlor. He could hear Steve whispering on the phone, but his focus was on Clint. The question was so simple, yet he had all eyes on him, watching for any moment of weakness or hint of a lie.
Bucky shrugged.
"HYDRA invested a lot of money and time into you," Natasha said. "You'd think they'd want to protect their "asset." The word was cold and bitter. Bucky wanted to roll his eyes, but he just met her gaze evenly, shrugging once more.
"Maybe I'm not needed anymore," he replied.
Sam laughed. "Dude, no offense, but that's scarier than you coming at me on the highway."
"Do you think they're going to start up another Asset, really?" Hill asked, looking to Natasha.
"Why would they create a new one when they have a perfectly good one already," Natasha responded, never taking her eyes off Bucky.
Bucky furrowed his brow, clenching and relaxing his jaw. She was on to him. She was clearly, so evidently on to him. Sam seemed willing to accept Bucky because of his loyalty to Steve, but Natasha was smarter. Being a spy was her specialty. She knew all the tricks and Bucky didn't know how to be better than that. So he tried his best to play dumb and pray it worked. He needed the protection of Steve if he was to shake Natasha off him. "I've been out of cyro too long. I'm useless to them."
Clint laughed, dropping his head back to stare at the ceiling. "Weird reason to not utilize a perfectly good assassin."
Bucky remained still. Natasha was planting the seed of doubt even into Clint. This was bad. He needed to do something. He had to shake this but he saw no way out. He was standing here; his biggest mistake was having stayed when HYDRA supposedly attacked them, but if he'd left, that would jeopardize the mission! He needed to figure something out.
"Sharon's going to tell her supervisor. Said they'd be in touch. Said they probably do want us to infiltrate if we can," Steve said, coming to Bucky's rescue without even knowing it. Bucky's shoulders relaxed. He watched as everyone's focus turned to Steve. Good.
"How long will it take for Stark and Banner?" Sam asked.
Steve shrugged. "It depends on when HYDRA activates the tech."
"Alright. Who wants pizza?" Sam asked, standing up. "I'm starving and sitting around worrying is only making it worse. I'm thinking nasty, greasy pizza with a lot of meat."
"I'm in," Clint said, picking Natasha's legs up so he could stand and dropping them back down to the couch. "I'll go order with you."
Bucky shifted. He was turning to make his way upstairs when Natasha said, "Hey Bucky, could you ask Steve to draw the guy you saw? It may help us find the tech."
Bucky's shoulders tensed. He nodded slowly, looking up with tense eyes as he met Steve's face. Steve's eyes were dull, like something inside him had died and the rest of his body was just trying to catch up and move on with it.
"I'll get a sketch pad," Steve said softly, moving toward the stairs in record timing. Bucky looked back to Natasha, watching her cat-like eyes as she most likely came up with a thousand different scenarios to take Bucky down. She needed to die. She had to be eliminated. Bucky needed to end her before she ended him.
Midnight had rolled around faster than Bucky thought it would. He'd spent the rest of the night describing the taxi cab driver in the utmost detail, watching Steve sketch and telling him to erase or change things when it didn't look right. Bucky was surprised at how accurate the drawing looked by the time they were finished. Neither of them had touched the pizza that Sam and Clint ordered, but Steve had gulped down at least fifteen bottles of water. Bucky was surprised he wasn't b-lining for the bathroom every two seconds.
Nothing was going the way Bucky needed it to. He'd forced himself to put distance between himself and Steve so he could kill Steve in the event he needed to, or betray him and hand him over to the Asset program. That's why they'd stolen the tech back right? Bucky wished he could call Rumlow and ask. It would be a relief to see Steve as an Asset. Maybe they'd even let Bucky be his handler. He'd know better than anyone else how to coach him through the memory wipes and the training. He could even train Steve. They couldn't freeze Bucky, but he could give so much more to HYDRA yet.
Tony ran down the stairs, jumping the last few steps. He looked over Steve's shoulder at the drawing as Steve was putting finishing touches on it with shading. "That our HYDRA guy?"
"Yeah," Steve answered, not looking up from the drawing. "Bucky got a pretty good look at him before he passed out."
Bucky's heart squeezed. He hated how his body reacted when Steve said his name.
"Great. I'll have Jarvis look through some databases and see if we can find him."
"Is that possible?" Bucky asked. "It's just a picture."
Tony waved his hand dismissively. "Jarvis can do it. We'll find this guy."
Bucky had made another mistake. He should have made someone up. If Jarvis was able to find this guy, then Jarvis would find out he was a taxi driver. If he found out he was a taxi driver…they'd know Bucky had been lying and if they knew that… No. No this wasn't happening. Bucky had to kill Tony. Bucky had to kill Natasha and Tony. It was the only way. He had to burry this.
"We're going to turn in for the night," Natasha said as she and Clint entered the room again. "Night all."
Tony watched them leave, holding the drawing Steve had handed him. "They're not dating are they?"
"Never asked," Steve said bluntly. "It's none of my business anyway."
"Well," Tony began, sitting down heavily next to Steve on the couch. Bucky watched as their shoulders bumped into each other's before Tony scooted back, settling in. "We all know you two are dating…"
Steve let out a humorless laugh. "It's none of your business though."
Tony nodded, admitting defeat. "Alright, I see when I'm not wanted. I'm turning in. I'll give this to Jarvis and see what we have in the morning."
"Thanks, Stark," Steve said, giving him an approving nod.
The room grew oddly cold at that moment, like Tony had been the only warmth and now it was gone, leaving Bucky to squirm as he sat on the floor, being forced to confront the man who he loved yet couldn't be with. What did you even say after you ended a relationship with someone? Did you talk to them still? Were you allowed? Where was Bucky going to sleep tonight? He didn't think it'd be possible to sleep in Steve's room. He didn't want to. He needed to get away from Steve. This was only killing him more than it was helping him. He'd so badly wanted to be intimate with Steve. He'd so badly wanted to make love with him. Bucky was compromised. He was going to fail HYDRA. He had to force himself to stop caring. He would kill for a memory wipe right now… If he wasn't so wrapped up about Steve he could have made someone up instead of the taxi driver. He could have lied better and staged the scenes better. He could have done so much more efficiently, but his mind was constantly on Steve and his work was failing from it!
"I'm getting pretty tired too," Steve said, shattering Bucky's thoughts. "We'll find that guy though. Don't worry about it." Steve's brow was furrowed. He sported a look between confusion and pain. Bucky wasn't sure which was more accurate.
"I know. I trust you," Bucky responded. "Did you hear Natasha? From earlier?"
Steve sat back, running his hands over his tired face. "About what?"
"About why HYDRA would just leave me?"
Steve held Bucky's gaze for a long moment. "I did."
"Do you think they're gonna leave me alone?"
Steve let out a long sigh, stretching his arms and shoulders. "Dunno, Buck."
Bucky swallowed back the lump in his throat. He hated how distant Steve was. He hated the cold shoulder act. "Natasha doesn't trust me."
Steve laughed. It was hollow and sharp. "No shit. None of them do."
Bucky nodded, accepting the bitter words. He stood from the floor, unsure of where he was trying to go. He couldn't go upstairs. That was Steve's room. "Are there any blankets down here?"
Steve stood up; his eyes had still lost their shine. His face was pale and the discolored bags under his eyes aged him a bit, but Bucky couldn't deny how badly he wanted to wrap his arms around the other and just apologize. He needed to give this time. It was too soon to tell if this was helping or hurting the mission. He could always reevaluate later.
"Yeah. I'll grab you some."
Bucky felt his heart stumble as he swallowed hard. Steve also decided it was best if Bucky stayed down here. Steve wasn't fighting this. They were officially no more. They were back to where Bucky started. He thought that if he truly embraced James Barnes that this would be easy. How wrong had he been? He'd jeopardized the mission, he'd waivered in his loyalty to HYDRA and he'd learned to fall in love. Everything went wrong the day he decided he was going to embrace the relationship Barnes and Rogers had. Everything was still going wrong.
Steve came back, plopping a pillow and a few blankets down for Bucky. "Do you need me to make you a bed?" he asked.
Bucky's lips parted as his eyes rounded, exposing their vulnerability. Despite the storm inside Bucky, despite the anger and confusion, Steve was still offering his aid. He didn't hate Bucky. He perhaps accepted their situation better than Bucky was.
Steve's cheeks reddened as he cleared his throat, stepping back. "Or not. I was just asking…" His voice tapered off softly. "Night, Bucky." He spun on his heel, crossing into the foyer to go up the stairs.
Bucky stood there, staring at the staircase. Everything would have been easier if Bucky just hadn't decided to fall in love. Everything would have been so much easier if Bucky just didn't care, like he used to. He missed Pierce. He missed Rumlow. He missed the simplicity of being handed missions and the cold of cryo. He missed the fluids being pumped into him and the nervous scientists. He missed HYDRA. He missed feeling like his heart was in one piece. He missed how his body felt before it was ravaged with guilt and desire.
He missed Steve.
Bucky woke to the sounds of someone brewing coffee in the kitchen. He stretched on the couch, feeling his toes dig into the plush arm of the sofa. He tossed the blanket off, sitting up and stretching out his back. Someone sneezed. It sounded female. He hadn't been able to get to his phone last night. Natasha had of course made sure he kept busy and around everyone. She was good. She needed to die.
Bucky stood up, scratching at the back of his head as he walked into the kitchen, more out of curiosity than the need to be in there. It wasn't as if anyone in this room was his friend anyway. He didn't have friends. He had Steve…but even that was gone.
Natasha was pouring creamer into her cup of coffee. "Good morning, Bucky," she stated. Bucky noticed how she didn't look away from what she was doing. She was doing exactly what Bucky would do in her situation. She was pretending to not be alert, when in fact she was more alert than most were aware.
"Morning," Bucky answered, going over to the mugs. Natasha slipped into the breakfast nook, looking at the morning paper.
"You and Steve have a fight?" she asked.
Bucky's lips parted as he furrowed his brow. "What?"
"You're on the couch. That means you two fought. Right?"
Bucky blinked a few times. How could she be so frank at a time like this when they both knew what the other was up to? "Yeah. We had a fight." He decided to go along with it.
Natasha scrunched up her face, a look of sympathy, Bucky supposed. "I'm sorry. I hope it all works out."
"Me too," Bucky answered, honestly. He did hope it worked out. Whatever it was.
"Do you?" she asked.
Finally, her fangs were barred. Bucky was spooning sugar into his coffee when the question was finally dropped. He allowed a small, half-smile to grace his lips as his back was toward Natasha. Patiently, he finished up his coffee, turning around and leaning on the counter. "Do I what?" he asked.
Natasha furrowed her brow. "I care a great deal about Steve," she began. She was in a light pink robe, no makeup and her hair was still in curlers, but she looked quite menacing. Bucky gave her credit. It took a lot for him to be intimidated. HYDRA always made sure he was programmed to have no fear. "You've turned Steve's world upside down. You're everything to him. If you break his heart, I'll break yours."
Bucky's brow shot up, a look of small astonishment playing at his face. He was slightly curious why she hadn't mentioned the HYDRA incident the day prior. She knew he was involved, didn't she? "We're working through it," he responded.
Natasha flipped the page of her newspaper, rattling it loudly. "I won't watch you break him."
"Can we stop this?" Bucky blurted. "Why don't you drop your act now."
"Excuse me?" Her brows rose further up her hairline and her mouth dropped slightly.
"I know you don't trust me. I know you think I'm responsible for yesterday−"
"Are you?" she interrupted.
Bucky's chest heaved as he fought the urge to scream at her. He set his coffee mug down, walking over to the breakfast nook and placing his fists against the table. "I love Steve. I fucking really love him and I'm terrified of it. So all of you sitting there watching my every move only makes it harder to deal with. I don't remember who I was. I don't know who I am. All I know is I love Steve more than anything and I've got thousands of thoughts in my head that I'm not used to and I don't know where to even begin so just…don't push me."
Natasha's mouth was formed into the perfect "o," as she leaned sideways, looking at the entry to the kitchen. "Morning, Steve," she said.
Bucky closed his eyes, trying his hardest to not break down. She did this on purpose. She set this up. She pushed him because she knew he'd break and that pissed Bucky off more than anything. She was dangerous. He couldn't for the life of him figure out what she did or did not know and that made her even a bigger threat. She was planning the part of the concerned friend and she was playing it frighteningly too well for Bucky to handle. He turned around, seeing Steve's round, hopeful eyes. Bucky could practically hear his own heart breaking as he saw the emotions that cascaded from Steve's eyes, spreading like wildfire all over his body, brightening his skin and breathing life into his cheeks. Bucky hated himself. He couldn't do this. He couldn't finish this mission. He loved Steve too much. He was going to betray HYDRA if this kept up. He didn't have the strength to fight this.
He brushed by Steve, running for the door. He didn't care if he was in sweats and a long-sleeved undershirt with his metal hand exposed. He didn't care that he crossed the threshold with no shoes on. He needed to get away. He needed to put space between him and Steve. He needed Rumlow. He needed to see Rumlow. Rumlow would figure out what to do.
Bucky was asked several times which room he was supposed to be in before the hospital staff got it in their heads that he wasn't a patient. One doctor asked he put scrub booties on his feet for health purposes. It was going fine till the doctor saw his metal hand. He asked if it was a prosthetic, Bucky made it make jerky, unrefined motions to show settle the doctor's excitement. Killing a doctor for simply being passionate about science and medicine didn't sit well with Bucky. He was surprised. Killing anyone to further a mission never used to bother him. The idea bothered him now.
After he finally managed to get away from the doctor, Bucky practically ran to Rumlow's room. The man was sitting up in his bed. The scaring on his face and body was heavy. He barely looked like he did before, but Bucky knew those big, round brown eyes.
"The fuck you doing here?" Rumlow asked.
"Mission report," Bucky responded. "I…I think I've failed."
Rumlow growled, but he sat up straighter and nodded softly. "Wanna tell me why?"
Bucky closed the door to the room before coming to stand at the foot of the bed. He placed his fingers against the footrest. Rumlow's gaze went to the fingers, before snapping back up to Bucky's face.
"I staged yesterday to make it look as if I were a victim as well. The Black Widow is suspicious. I lied and said a man beat my face and she'd asked for his description. I gave her a taxi cab driver's face."
Rumlow cleared his throat. "So?"
"They know HYDRA took the tech. They think if they find this guy, they can get it back. Stark is also searching for energy usage around the city to find it."
"So they're gonna find a taxi cab driver. Let them," Rumlow answered, shrugging.
"They barely trust me as it is because of Peggy."
Rumlow laughed. "You're a piece of work, Barnes."
Bucky's eyes rounded as his gaze snapped to Rumlow's face. "Barnes?"
Rumlow seemed to falter for a moment. "Y-you're portraying Barnes. Whaddya want me to call you? Asset? Winter Soldier?"
Bucky's shoulders fell. "Bucky."
Rumlow laughed again. It was deep and throaty. "They've got you under their spell, don't they?" He cocked his head to the side. "You know your place, Asset. HYDRA is the only way the world will get the peace it deserves."
Bucky swallowed hard. "I just want a name."
"You don't get one!" Rumlow shouted. He instantly composed himself, raising his hands up in front of him. "Sorry, that was mean. I didn't mean it."
Bucky ground his teeth against each other, his brow furrowed as he allowed the anguish to fill his lungs, making him feel like he was full of lead. He didn't deserve a name. He wasn't a person. Being with Steve had upset everything. It had destroyed his view of himself. It destroyed his relationship with HYDRA. It made everything…more painful. He'd been content being a machine that operated for HYDRA and HYDRA alone, but now Bucky didn't want to go back, not really. He thought this would fix everything, but it was only making him realize how much he wanted Steve in his life− forever.
"Look Bucky," Rumlow sighed. "You've fucked up. It's okay. This is your first espionage mission. Things happen. You find that taxi driver and you kill him. If Black Widow gets more suspicious, you take her out. Don't make it look like an accident. Make sure no one sees you do it, or they have to die too. Simple right? Back to your roots!"
Bucky nodded, trying to calm down. "What about Steve?"
Rumlow scoffed. "What about him?"
"I think he'd be a good candidate for the Asset Program."
Rumlow was silent for a minute, his eyes flicking from side to side as he scaled Bucky's face. "You like him?"
Bucky couldn't hide the shame he felt. He clutched his stomach, biting his lip and breaking the wound once more.
"Jesus, Bucky…" Rumlow exclaimed, slamming his head back against the pillow. "How close have you gotten?"
Bucky shrugged. "Stark said we were dating."
Rumlow's eyes rounded. "Rogers is gay?"
"It's online," Bucky stated. "I ran some searches on his relationship with Barnes. A lot of people speculated they were romantically involved."
Rumlow nodded, seeming to take it all in. "Wait, you said "were dating?"
"I ended it with him. It was compromising the mission. I've been making mistakes."
"Good to know you haven't gone rogue," Rumlow stated bitterly. "Okay, this could work to our advantage. You just gotta keep your head in the game. Can you do that, Bucky?"
Bucky ran his tongue along the inside of his lips, pushing against the skin to expand it. "I dunno," he answered honestly. "I've got all these thoughts and…feeling I didn't have and−"
"Bucky…" Rumlow cut in. "I'm not a damn therapist. You gotta block them out. You gotta use this to your advantage! You get Steve to trust you− you have free range of the Avengers. We just need a bit more time."
Bucky's eyes were downcast. This wasn't what he was expecting. He felt foolish at this point, like a child being reprimanded. He'd sought Rumlow out for comfort and found none. Steve was the only thing that gave him any kind of comfort and it was ruining his mission. However, despite Rumlow's harsh words, they were gentle. He wasn't unkind. He was just…blunt.
"Then when you don't need time? What then?" Bucky asked.
"Then you take them out. One by one. Just like I said before. Start with Natasha. Report back, and wait for further instruction on who to take out next."
"And Steve?" Bucky asked. He felt the ice seep into his stomach. "He'll make a great Asset. I swear."
Rumlow inhaled a deep breath of air. "I've gotta ask the higher ups. I'll put in the recommendation."
"Piece's mission was to find out if he was a good candidate or not," Bucky countered. "I'm recommending him!"
"You're trying to save him," Rumlow answered gently. "Bucky…would he still care about you if he knew you were with HYDRA? You saw what he did to SHIELD and HYDRA. He fought you. He would have killed you."
"He wouldn't−"
"Yes, Bucky! He would!" Rumlow interjected, his voice rising. He wasn't shouting, but he was firm. "If he didn't think you were his dead lover, he'd have killed you in a second! You have to remember that they hate HYDRA. They want to see us fail! They're afraid of what we can do."
Bucky nodded, swallowing the lump in his throat.
"Steve only cares cause he thinks your Barnes. If he found out the truth, trust me, you'd be dead in a second."
"You're insinuating I wouldn't kill him first," Bucky stated, voice tight and cold. "Do you think I'd let him kill me?"
Rumlow laughed. "There's my boy. You still got it. Report to me weekly about your status with Steve. I'll put in the recommendation for the Program. You take out Romanov and wait for further instructions. Good?"
Bucky nodded, feeling a bit better. Rumlow was harsh and sharp around the edges, but he was honest. Bucky could trust that honesty better than he could trust Steve. Rumlow was right; if Steve knew the truth about Bucky he'd kill him. Bucky just needed someone else to say it so he could believe it.
Steve stood in the archway to the kitchen, still reeling from the words Bucky just spoke. He felt his heart slamming in his chest as it tried to lurch at Bucky, to be held in his hands and cared for. He saw Bucky's eyes go frantic, like a cornered dog ready to bite. Natasha sat at the table, a small, proud smile on her face. She'd let Bucky into a trap! Steve would be pissed if he wasn't so shocked at the words Bucky uttered. Bucky was scared. He didn't know who he was and he had intense feelings for Steve and that was terrifying. Steve understood that. He respected it. Bucky was terrified and didn't understand the world around him. Steve didn't want to admit it, but everything was falling into place. He understood why Bucky had killed Peggy. He understood why Bucky was trying to push him away. He understood it all. Bucky wasn't just scared of HYDRA, he was scared of himself, of Steve, of every person that walked by him. He was even afraid to look in a mirror.
Bucky ran past Steve, running toward the door. "Bucky!" Steve called out, turning and chasing after him.
"Steve, wait!" Natasha said, standing up from the breakfast nook. "Let him go!"
Steve rounded on her. "What?"
"He'll come back," she said. "He just needs time."
"Why'd you do that, Nat?" Steve asked, watching through the parlor window as Bucky took off down the street; barefoot. "What the fuck is your deal?" He charged back into the kitchen, his brow furrowed and teeth barred.
"Steve!"
"Oh what? I'm not allowed to get pissed off? I'm not allowed to say "fuck?" You just have to get involved with everything!"
"Would you let me explain?!"
"You don't need to! I get it! You don't trust him! You think he's going to kill us in our sleep or something! But he hasn't! Has he, Nat? Is anyone dead?"
"The tranqs that were used were Hawkeye's," Natasha stated, ignoring Steve's outburst.
Steve faltered. "W-what?"
Natasha calmly put her coffee mug under the faucet, rinsing it out and then dumping Bucky's wasted coffee. "Last night, Clint counted his arrows, he was missing 7 darts, Steve."
"So? That doesn't prove anything."
"We were hit by a bow and arrow. We have bruising the size of a silver dollar. Even you do, right?"
Steve nodded slowly. He'd examined the bruise before he went to bed, out of sheer curiosity.
"Bucky doesn't have any bruising, Steve," Natasha said evenly. Her voice was gentle, like she was being cautious not to drop a bomb or wake a child. "Bucky didn't get hit from the force of a bow. I think his was self-inflicted."
"You don't know that," Steve defended. "Let me talk to him." Steve was seeing red. How dare she accuse Bucky of this? Bucky would never stand by and allow HYDRA to succeed! He hated them more than anyone else! He had every right to hate them more after what they'd done to him!
"Cap," Tony said from behind, slipping into the archway and into the kitchen. "She's right."
Steve's ears were ringing and he wasn't sure if he was going to pass out or vomit again.
"Jarvis found the identity of the supposed HYDRA agent. He's a taxi cab driver. We can't rule out that he's not HYDRA, but…taxi cab driver."
"Why would Bucky lie?" Steve asked, pressing up against the archway. "He loves me, you know that!" he said, pointing at Natasha. "Why would he say that and…do this?" Steve hated this. He wouldn't stand here and listen to his friends gang up on him about Bucky. He knew Bucky. He knew him better than they did. Bucky would never betray Steve.
'He isn't your Bucky…'
Steve closed his eyes, breathing heavily through his nose. "We're not having this discussion anymore," he stated.
Tony nodded, shrugging. "Fine by me. I'll go with Barton to find the cab driver. We're gonna have a little chat with him. Banner's gonna stay and watch the energy grids." He poured himself a cup of coffee, meandering over to the refrigerator and getting out some berries.
"I'm just saying be careful, Steve," Natasha said. "He may love you, but he may be hiding something."
"Stop. I said we were done," Steve stated, putting up a hand to end this. He turned from the kitchen, moving past the dining room and back into the parlor.
He was halfway up the stairs when Sam was rounding the corner, waving. "Morning," Sam sang out. "Going for a jog. Wanna join?"
"You've missed a lot," Steve answered. "Can we talk?"
Sam's face fell as he sported a more serious demeanor. "Sure thing."
They walked into Sam's room. Sam motioned for Steve to have a seat on the bed while he leaned against the wall.
"What do you think about Bucky?"
Sam's brows shot up. "What?"
"Just tell me. How do you read him?"
Sam crossed his arms, resting one foot against the back of the door. "I think the dude's got a lot of issues." Steve huffed through his nose, his brow furrowing as he shook his head from side to side. "But…" Sam said softer. "I think he cares a lot about you. He's just not in the best headspace."
"That's an understatement," Steve joked, but neither of them laughed.
"What's this about?" Sam asked.
"Nat's accusing Bucky of setting us up yesterday. She also made him run out of the house after she pulled one of her mind-tricks on him."
Sam's mouth dropped open. "She did what?"
"Got him to say very personal things and then he split," Steve answered matter-of-fact. This was too much. Bucky said he loved Steve. He had no idea Steve had been standing behind him so it couldn't have been a lie. All the things Bucky has said or done in the past since he'd come back, it wasn't all a lie, was it? No… No it couldn't be. Bucky was running from HYDRA. Bucky was in love with Steve. He hadn't done this.
"So…" Sam drawled. "I think Bucky doesn't know who he is. I think he needs you, more than he's probably aware. I don't forgive him for murdering a woman in cold blood, but I think she pulled a memory out of him and that's how he responded to it. I think you just need to be careful with him. He's…dangerous, but not intentionally."
Steve smiled. Sam was an excellent judge of character and Steve considered him his best friend since Bucky… It was a relief to hear the words from Sam's mouth. "What do you think I should do?"
"Watch him. Help him. If Nat's right, you'll find out eventually. He'll either come clean or he'll try to kill you. One or the other," Sam laughed. They shared an uneasy smile and fell into comfortable silence.
Bucky needed Steve, but even more than that, Steve needed Bucky. He didn't believe Natasha, he couldn't believe it. Bucky was not in league with HYDRA. Not after all they'd done to him. Steve just needed to reach out to Bucky somehow. He needed to make him feel safe again. If Bucky wasn't going to recover his memories, Steve needed to let Bucky make new ones. They needed out of this. Steve needed to get Bucky away from the other Avengers, away from HYDRA. They needed an escape.
"Wanna take that jog now?" Sam asked.
Steve laughed. "Sure."
By the time Bucky came back, it was almost morning. The sun was threatening to peak over the D.C outline, but it wasn't just there yet. The world was cast in deep, purple and blue hues as the morning dew dampened the grass. Bucky parkoured up side of the house, going into Steve's window like he had several nights before. Steve was asleep in the bed, curled up and clutching a pillow.
Bucky stood there, watching Steve's shoulders rise and fall as he breathed. Rumlow thought this was a good idea. Rumlow believed Bucky could do this. Bucky closed his eyes, inhaling deeply and silently moving to the door.
"Buck?" a sleepy voice called. Bucky froze, his metal hand barely centimeters from the doorknob. He dropped it, turning around to face Steve. The man's face was red from being pushed up against the pillow and his hair was disheveled, but he was still beautiful.
"Go back to sleep," Bucky stated softly. "It's early."
"Where've you been?" Steve asked, closing his eyes and opening them again as he fought off sleep.
Bucky offered the tiniest of smiles. "I needed to think."
Steve sat up, rubbing at his face. "I love you, too."
Bucky blinked a few times, unsure that he heard Steve correctly. His mouth parted as he fell into silence.
"If you want to keep your distance, that's fine, I respect it, but…I love you too. You're not the same as you were before, but you're still you. I see it in the small things you do. I wanna help you, Buck. If you'll let me."
Bucky leaned against the door, gingerly biting at his lip. It was light enough so he didn't crack open his wound. "What about Peggy?"
Steve winced. He rolled in his lips, nodding slowly. "I don't…it's hard to explain. Just know that I don't hate you for it. I'm trying to tell you I love you, Bucky." Steve laughed, his cheeks flushing with rosy reds.
"So we pretend this never happened?"
Steve shook his head. "No. It happened. And we're going to go to her funeral procession in England. But we're going to move on from it…together."
Bucky looked up, a hopeful smile flirting with his full lips. He walked over to the bed, scooting onto it and pressing his face into the crook of Steve's neck. He wrapped his legs around Steve, pulling him as close as he could. He hated himself for how much he loved Steve. He hated knowing that this was the worst idea possible for him. Rumlow may trust that he'd do the right thing in the end, but Bucky didn't. He trusted himself to make the stupidest decisions and ruin everything because he loved this man. He loved him more than HYDRA, more than life, more than the rush he felt whenever Steve asked him what he was thinking or what he wanted to do. He felt tears wet his cheeks as he continued to squeeze Steve into the hug. He wasn't sure if they were happy or sad tears.
Steve's hands wrapped themselves into the locks of Bucky's hair. Bucky could feel Steve's pulse in his throat, it was fast and his breathing was quicker. Bucky pulled back, brushing his nose against Steve's. "Jesus Christ, I love you, you stupid punk," he said.
Steve pulled back, smiling a dopey smile as his eyes glossed over in a film of tears.
Bucky's heart froze as his eyes widened in fear. "What? Did I say something wrong?"
Steve allowed a single tear to fall from his eye. "No Bucky. You just used to always say that...before."
Bucky blinked, swallowing as he sat back, his legs still intertwined around Steve's middle. He'd never said that before…because he wasn't James "Bucky" Barnes. So how'd he know to say it now? Did HYDRA program him to be similar to the real Bucky from the start? Or was… No. He couldn't be the real one. Pierce wouldn't have lied to him like that. It would have made no sense. Why would he send Bucky out to pretend to be someone else if he was really that person to begin with? It didn't make sense…did it?
"I don't…remember…" Bucky said softly. "M'sorry."
Steve caressed Bucky's cheeks, running his thumbs over the cheekbones. "You don't have anything to apologize for."
Bucky laughed, it was sardonic but soft. "I have a lot to apologize for."
"We'll get through this together," Steve responded, still caressing Bucky's face. The motion agitated the stubble on Bucky's face, but he ignored it. It felt so good to have Steve touch him like this, for them to simply be sitting together without anyone looking or without the fear of not knowing how the other felt after everything that's happened.
"What if I never get my memories back?" Bucky asked, curious to the outcome, considering he'd never get them back, as he wasn't the real James Barnes, at least he didn't believe he was anyway. He trusted that Pierce would have told him the truth.
"I don't care if you get them back or not. We can make new ones. I just want you safe."
"Am I not safe?"
Steve sported a crooked smile. "I don't know. The rest of the Avengers aren't entirely thrilled with you…and with HYDRA getting the tech back…" He left the sentence to hang in the air.
Bucky nodded, pressing his lips together in an anguished line. He hated lying to Steve. He hated hiding his mission even though Steve was his mission. They all were. Bucky had been on his way to kill Natasha before Steve had woken up. It had been foolish to come into Steve's room, but Bucky knew better than to open Natasha and Clint's window. "They didn't take me. They could have, but they didn't. Maybe they don't need me anymore."
Steve's brow furrowed, and there was a flash of knowing in those blue orbs that Bucky didn't like seeing. He tensed momentarily, before settling back into Steve's lap. "I think we can't take any chances."
Bucky's face fell. He couldn't shake the idea that Steve was lying to him as much as he was lying to Steve. He leaned in, brushing his nose against Steve's again and then kissed the man's cheek softly, careful not to split his lip back open. He kissed the corners of Steve's eyes and between his brow, and lastly the tip of his nose. "Do you trust me, Steve?"
Steve laughed softly. "I trust that you love me."
Bucky was smarter than that. He'd been evasive. Steve didn't trust him. Bucky allowed a smile to play at his lips that didn't reach his eyes. He scooted off Steve, dropping his legs off the bed.
"What's wrong?" Steve asked.
Bucky closed his eyes, feeling the stirring in his stomach that he loved so much when Steve paid attention to him. "Nothing's wrong."
"Have you slept yet? Are you hungry?"
Bucky felt his stomach warming at the questions. This was why he fell in love in the first place. He'd been treated like a human… Was this really all it took for him to fall in love with someone? A pretty face and kindness? "I've not slept yet and I'm not hungry."
"You should at least drink some water," Steve said, standing up and walking to the door. "I'll go get you a glass."
Bucky scooted up the bed, resting back on the headboard. He was running out of time. He couldn't kill Natasha now because Steve was up and wandering around. There was no way Steve was going to let him out of his sight any time soon either, not that Bucky really minded. He looked forward to being with Steve again. His window was getting smaller and smaller. Natasha was the imminent threat, but then again, so was Clint and Tony… Perhaps even Banner if he was listening to any of what Natasha or Tony had to say. They were all threats, except Steve. Steve was the only one Bucky could get on his side, but even then, he didn't trust Bucky. Bucky didn't earn that right yet. He'd shattered their trust the day he took his knife against Peggy's throat.
Steve came back in, handing a glass of water to Bucky. He gulped it down, feeling some of it dribble down the side of his chin. He emptied the glass, realizing how much he needed that and wiped his mouth. "Thanks," he said.
Steve nodded, hopping onto the bed and pulling the covers over him. "You should get some sleep," he offered.
Bucky's lips contorted into a soft, crooked smile. "My mind's too awake."
Steve propped his head up in his hand. "What're you thinking about?"
Bucky now sported a full smile. He dipped his head, loving how his heart fluttered, yet hating it all the same. This was bad. This was so bad for his mission. He loved this man too much. It was too dangerous. Rumlow had misplaced his trust. If they didn't use Steve for the Asset Program− Bucky didn't know if he'd go rogue protecting him or not… "I'm thinking about me and you."
Steve scooted closer, pressing a kiss into Bucky's metal arm. Bucky shivered. He couldn't feel it, but it was the sentiment. "Anything specific?" he pried.
Bucky leaned his head back, looking up at the ceiling fan. "Just how we got here. How I almost…" He let the sentence break off as he shrugged. "How I almost lost you."
"You weren't gonna lose me," Steve said.
Bucky allowed a dark laugh to escape his lips. "No, I'm pretty sure there was a moment where you contemplated my future with you. The night I came back in the window…"
"I was upset, I still…look Buck," Steve sat up, supporting his weight with his arm. "Can we just not talk about Peggy anymore?"
Bucky's face twitched in resigned compliance. "M'sorry."
Steve pressed a kiss into the hollow of Bucky's cheek. "Don't be," he whispered. He pressed another kiss against Bucky's temple and another at the corner of his eye.
Bucky looked out the window as the morning sun started to trickle into the room. He pursed his lips. "Do you care if I close the blinds?"
Steve shook his head.
Bucky stood up, closing the blinds to provide some darkness into the room. He removed his shirt, dropping it to the floor and crawled back into bed. He wrapped his arms around Steve's middle, humming as he felt Steve's fingers run through his hair. "I love you," he whispered.
Steve chuckled. "I love you, too."
Bucky sighed, half in content and half in misery. This was only going to get worse. Natasha was an immediate threat. Stark and Barton were fast becoming immediate threats. Bucky needed to get rid of Natasha, and fast.
Bucky clutched Steve tighter, nestling his head into Steve's tummy, listening to his stomach make little gurgling sounds. He smiled into Steve's abs, pressing a kiss against them before resting his head into them again. He desperately tried to fight off sleep as his body calmed under Steve's hand as he continued to run his fingers lazily through Bucky's hair. If he could ward off sleep, he could perhaps sneak into Natasha's room and kill her, but Bucky's eyelids were becoming so heavy and Steve's fingers felt so good running through his hair. His body practically started to vibrate as it relaxed into Steve's body, like putty.
He'd fallen asleep before he even realized he closed his eyes.
