AN: Been a crazy week, even crazier week ahead. I hope to find time to write. Wish I could just write, write, write. Of course, thank you for all the wonderfully fascinating reviews. Love reading all you guys' insights and thoughts. And about that little question I had from last update, thanks for all the entertaining and insightful responses. I have to reiterate I asked solely out of mere curiosity. the question had no bearing on how I intend for the story to go. got it all plotted out in my head (and again, I love happy endings. ;) )
This was a pain to write and longer than planned. debated whether to cut off here or earlier or even further on. Don't have time to wonder more so i'll just send it along now. Only a few more chapters left, likely.
Chapter 7
It's almost 7, I've barely been up an hour and my phone has rung at least 10 times. Every single call has been from Jane but strangely, I have not felt a particular impetus to pick up. Knowing Jane and how well she knows me, the wheels in her head should be turning maniacally right now. After all, it isn't often that I don't pick up after only one or two rings. I'm certain she's drawing up scenarios in her head from something as mundane as me sleeping through my alarm to something more frightening such as a serial rapist abducting me from my bed.
It gives me a guilt-inducing feeling of satisfaction, being - for once - Jane's object of worry.
My superego, however, is quite dominant and soon, guilt does creep up. I would have picked up this last call but my hands had felt leaden and refused to move the few inches it would have taken to grab the bothersome device.
Another beep, a text this time. I give up and finally pick up my phone. A text I can handle as it gives me time to think up a response. Time, which I feel like I need a good amount of in order to examine the situation from every angle. I could very well be missing something here. Something that would ease my worries, hopefully slow my heartbeat down to where it doesn't feel like there's a threat lurking in every corner, waiting to snatch my relationship with Jane away from me.
A threat in the form of a blonde genius of a doctor.
everything ok, casey? getting worried. heading there if you don't pick up next call.
Like that would make me pick up.
She might not know me too well, after all. Or it could just be that she has no idea how much I want her here, with me. All the time, if possible, and regardless of reason.
I have lately been playing a most agonizing tug-of-war with my emotions. After the Sunday family dinner at my house, we'd gone back to our usual routine and had dinner or lunch whenever our busy schedules permitted. However, I have had an unabating compulsion to withdraw, to give myself a bit of a breathing room from Jane. Allow myself an opportunity to take a step back and get an objective view of our situation.
It's unsettling that I have started referring to our relationship as our "situation."
It's both unsettling and frightening as hell, having to think about where I stand in this triangle that is Jane-Maura-me sided.
There shouldn't even be a triangle. There should be all but two sides to my relationship with Jane - me and Jane.
My phone alerts me of another message and I don't even bother to check, knowing it couldn't be anyone but Jane again. Instead, I redirect my attention to the news on TV, desperate for a distraction.
It doesn't seem like the world's faring any better than I am though so I turn the TV off, lest this catalog of murders, rapes, mass killings and other atrocities the news anchor rattles off sends me spiraling directly to depression.
I decide it wouldn't hurt to leave early for work where there's never a shortage of problems to be solved. And because they don't involve a gorgeous brunette and second-guessing, they would be a welcome distraction. Within 20 minutes, I'm showered and almost dressed. I'm walking toward my kitchen to grab my requisite second cup of coffee when I hear the front doorknob rattling.
My chest instantly fills with a formidable mix of dread and excitement. Sure, I would have wanted a little bit more time to process my thoughts and feelings about whatever's going on with Jane and I but denying myself of her presence is something I'm incapable of.
I pour my second cup but don't turn around. I hear the familiar staccato of her steps approaching, hear them stop and I know her well enough that I'm quite certain she's right now leaning against the fridge, hands resting on her belt right after adjusting it in place - a habit I weirdly find very sexy. A girly giggle escapes me, unchecked.
"Care to let me in on the joke?" I hear her husk out from behind me. I take a deep breath, mirth all gone, and now somewhat exasperated both with myself and this contentious situation we're in.
I smile when I finally see her, standing just as I had imagined her to be posed. "Hey. No joke, I just...was playing a little guessing game with myself." I stay in place, letting her come to me.
And she does, approaching me with a look that's half-amused, half-preoccupied. She kisses me on the cheek but touches me nowhere else, my cup of hot coffee between us. "I was worried when you weren't picking up," she tells me quietly, unnecessarily. I figured that part out myself.
"Sorry, I…" I pause, wavering in my conviction to tell her the truth and finally take the lid off on this jar of issues and questions I've been slowly unscrewing the past few days. I make up my mind to be bold. "I didn't feel like talking," I tell her honestly, giving her a sheepish but not contrite smile. "I should have texted you back but...you said you'd come if I didn't and I thought well, that wasn't much of a threat - not to say that that's what you were doing, threatening me - it's just I really didn't mind the idea of you coming over and…" I pause to catch my breath, also catching her amused look.
"It's ok," she says mid-chuckle. "I wanted to see and talk to you anyway," she announces, causing my heart to pause a beat.
"You did? About anything in particular?" I ask, feeling her out. I rest my back on the kitchen counter, feeling a need to be propped.
She takes my cup and puts it down next to the coffee machine. She takes my hands in hers, crouches a bit to be able to catch my eyes. "Is everything ok, Case?" she asks finally. "I mean between us, are things ok between us?"
I expel a telling sigh, judging by the worry and anxiety now evident on her face. "I don't know, Jane. Are they?" I bounce the question back to her, knowing I'm not playing fair but wanting to buy myself some time. And maybe wanting Jane to be the one to take the lid off of this our shared jar of uncertainty.
"I'm not sure," she answers, surprising me. I thought she would call me out and prod me for an actual response. "I get the feeling there's something wrong. Something bothering you." She pauses, straightens out but does not let go of my hands. "I realize I haven't been the most attentive girlfriend lately. I mean with work," she pauses as if gauging for a reaction, " and taking care of Maura…" she pauses again, grimacing guiltily when she realizes she's hit the right answer, judging by the way I had tightened up at the mention of her best friend's name. "Is it...is it Maura? Am I spending too much time with her? Do you feel like I've been neglecting you?" she pushes gently.
I look her straight in the eyes, trying to communicate what my next words will confirm. "Yes, I feel like you have been spending too much time with Maura and Jane...I understand, you know I understand that Maura is your best friend and she's been sick and then she...she went through that horrible ordeal but…," I pause, unable to believe I am actually voicing a "but" in all this. "But...I'm your girlfriend, Jane. I have my needs too." I involuntarily pull my hands away from her, clenching and slightly shaking them in frustration. "Ugh, that sounds so selfish. I hate feeling this way, Jane." I look up at her, pleading for her to understand this limbo I feel like I'm stuck in.
She reaches out to take me in her arms, wrapping me up in an embrace meant to be comforting and reassuring. "Hey, hey, don't beat yourself up. It's understandable you feel that way. If anyone's at fault here, it's me," she says against my hair. She pauses but continues to squeeze me tightly. "I have been neglecting you, Case, and I hope you believe me when I say I haven't meant to it's just…" she pulls away, her hands coming to grip my upper arms while her eyes, filled with guilt and anguish, try to catch mine. "It's just like you said...Maura is my best friend. And I'm the only one she has, Casey. I know she has her parents but she had to have been sick and dying for them to leave their lives in Europe and come see her."
What do I say to that? I am unable to come up with anything that would not make me sound like a petty, jealous girlfriend. And I hate that I now feel a mere inch tall, giving in to my jealousy.
Still, a deep-seated sense of self-preservation and pride reminds me that I deserve something from Jane. I deserve a share of the person I've committed to and who's likewise supposed to have committed herself to me.
"I'm sorry, Jane," I find myself apologizing after all. "I do understand that. It's silly of me to have even let that bother me…"
"Hey, no. It's not silly. I understand, Case. Just...I promise when things settle down, I will make it up to you and treat you the way you deserve to be treated," she vows with conviction, once again enveloping me in her arms. "You're an amazing person, Casey. And I am so sorry I have made you feel any less than that. I do love you."
Her arms around me feel comforting, warm. I feel a part of my heart that's been repeatedly hollowed out getting filled again.
I love this woman and I choose to believe her when she says she loves me. I trust that in time, things will settle down and she will return to me, whole.
I nod against her shoulder, communicating that I am coming to terms with the source of my unease. "Let's have lunch later?" I ask her quietly in an attempt to lighten the mood and at the same time, reconnect.
I feel her hesitate for a moment, but she replies in the affirmative anyway. "Sure, I'll meet you at Parish noon?"
"That sounds great," I reply, sliding my hands from around her back to allow me to pull her in for a kiss. "I'll text you a reminder."
She smiles with some embarrassment, knowing she has, on more than one occasion, needed a reminder. "That would be great. I might get too wrapped up. We're in the middle of a very…" she halts, once again looking particularly bothered, if not distressed, "...difficult case. Speaking of which, I have to go, I told Frost and Korsak I'd try to come in early."
"Ok. Can't wait to see you at lunch," I tell her, reluctantly letting go but not before I fuse my mouth with hers once again, constantly missing and craving her taste.
When I open my eyes, Jane's gazing at me with an intense look in her eyes. "Casey," she begins, tone more serious than is good for my just pacified nerves, "if it happens again and something's wrong and you're feeling like I'm neglecting you or doing anything that makes you feel...insecure or doubt our relationship, you'll tell me, right?" she verifies. "Please tell me, don't hold it in. You don't deserve that."
I nod to reassure her. "Of course. I promise." My answer seems to satisfy her and, with a quick press of her lips onto mine, she turns and leaves.
Once she's gone, I realize I won't make it to work early after all. I explore how I feel a bit and decide I actually feel more at ease that I've had in a while despite that last appeal for reassurance from Jane . If feels like the noose around my neck had been loosened. Unfortunately, it still hangs around my neck, slackened but ever present.
Mostly because the last thing Jane had asked of me had not felt very reassuring despite that being what I imagine her intent was - to reassure. It had felt too much like she was giving me an out.
Despite my niggling doubts, the short talk with Jane did reassure me immensely. We're supposed to meet for lunch but the text I had just received informed me that she would not make it.
She had to drive Maura to see her oncologist and did not seem like they would be able to leave in time. Apparently, the M.E. had been feeling more fatigued lately and her doctor wanted to run tests to make sure her cancer is not back. I, of course, replied that I understood and wished Maura well.
It would be impossible to deny that I had not been disappointed but my sincere concern for Maura's well-being trumped my upset. Jane promised to stop by after work and I figure that to be a worthy consolation. I decide to go ahead and go to the cafe we were scheduled to meet at anyway.
As I order my pasta salad, I find myself ordering Jane's pastrami sandwich, too. It would be nice to surprise her with a visit at work, something I haven't done in a while. I'm immediately cheered and excited by the thought but still take my time eating, figuring Jane would likely insist on taking Maura home to rest before returning to the station.
I get to the BPD not even half an hour later. After the process of getting my visitor sticker, I go upstairs to but find no sign of Jane at her desk. Vince and Frost inform me Jane had gone down with Maura to the basement.
"She didn't take Maura home?" I ask, surprised.
Both Vince and Barry chuckle, exchanging amused glances.
"No. But you can't say Jane didn't try," Barry proclaims.
"She just can't win against the doctor when she's determined," Vince pipes in. I notice the easy camaraderie between the two and realize this is part of why these two men easily fit into the Rizzoli family.
"Yeah, especially when we're in the middle of a case like this, there's no way Dr. Isles would not be here working her butt off, sick or not," Barry rattles off, evidently proud and in awe of the doctor's work ethic.
I nod and make a small sound of agreement. "Would I be allowed to go down there? I brought Jane her lunch since she couldn't make it to our lunch date."
Vince gets up from behind his desk and heads out the door, motioning for me to follow. "Come on, I'll take you there," he offers kindly, motioning toward the elevator. When we get to the basement, Vince' phone rings just as the elevator doors open. He lets me step out and points to his right, indicating which way Maura's office is. It sounds like he's being called urgently so I gesture to him that I'll be fine and send him on.
I walk the same way Vince had indicated but not before taking a quick glance the opposite direction and noticing a sign pointing to the morgue. Funny, I always thought the morgue would be Maura's office. I laugh to myself lightly as I walk toward Maura's actual office. I see just one door on the other end of the hallway and figure that should be it.
As I approach, I hear voices, easily identifying Jane's throatier tone, pitch somewhat higher than usual. I initially guess they might be in the middle of an argument but when I don't hear another voice, I walk a little closer.
"Maur, please. You need to rest. I agreed to take you back here and not home but come on, take a nap at least. You look like you're about to fucking...sorry, you look like you're about to pass out from exhaustion," I hear Jane clearly pleading with her best friend. I halt my steps, deciding not to intrude and instead wait this apparent dispute out before announcing my presence.
I hear nothing for several seconds and reckon one of them must have given in. As I get closer I see through the crack in the door Jane crouched in front of Maura who sits on the couch. She's looking up at the doctor with imploring eyes, hands out in supplication. "Please?" I hear her ask quietly, eyes focused and beseeching but more playfully so than I had imagined earlier. It looks nothing like an argument.
I take a step back, realizing the matter hadn't been decided after all, and hear Maura sigh in resignation. "Fine, Jane. But only for an hour and you have to promise you will wake me then. Not a minute after and," I hear another pause, a few moments of silence, "I will rest only if you do, too. You've probably slept even less than I have this week, Jane." I listen to the doctor finish her pronouncement with authority, the initial timbre of amusement gone from her voice.
I take another step, about to knock and planning to say "hi" to both of them and then maybe whisk Jane away to let Maura take that nap Jane had been insisting on. I stop dead on my tracks, not seeing things as I had imagined. I imagined Maura would now be lying on the couch, Jane ready to leave her to sleep.
Instead I see the two have rearranged themselves on the couch. Jane sits on the far end. Maura is lying on her side across Jane's lap facing and curled into my girlfriend's chest, cradled like a child in her arms. I catch a glimpse of the doctor's face, visibly exhausted and already seemingly asleep. Only Jane's profile is visible to me but I don't need a view of her entire face to see the intensity of her gaze on the dozing blonde, their faces so close together.
I notice her furrowed brow and worried gaze, fingers stroking but looking like they barely touch Maura's hair, afraid to disturb her sleep. But then she lays her lips on Maura's forehead, appearing unable to resist. I step back, the gesture hitting me like a shove on the chest.
Maura stirs, I hear rustling. Jane is quick to soothe and reassure though. My curiosity pushes my head forward the tiny bit it takes for me to hear her shush the doctor reverently. And just enough to catch her kiss Maura's head, sigh deeply, and then lean back in this time to gently brush her lips over the blonde's bare shoulder.
My feet move on their own, pivoting away from the door. There is no way I can knock and announce my presence now.
I can barely find a way to take my next breath.
My throat is all choked up with something that feels painfully close to defeat. I've seen more than I've ever wanted to see. And gleaned the one idea I've tried, for the longest time, not to even consider.
Jane could be in love with Maura.
How I managed to return to work afterward, I truly have no recollection of. I have been home a couple of hours now and been expecting to hear from Jane, imagining either Vince or Barry would have told her that I had been at the BPD to bring her lunch.
I'm tucked in under my sheets and truthfully do not really care whether Jane calls, texts, or comes over. I'm exhausted and bleary and only wish my brain would shut down long enough to afford me a few hours of sleep. Instead, all it does is play the scene in Maura's office on a loop and wonder where Jane is now. The thought of her being with Maura does not even add to my torment only because there's no room left for any more.
I try to rehash my usual litany of excuses for Jane's relationship with Maura, my go-to comforting thoughts, starting with a reminder that I am healthy and very much alive while Maura has come close to dying more than once and could still be very sick. I tell myself again, for the thousandth time, that Maura needs care and comfort, ignoring the fact that everyone seems to constantly remark about how strong and resilient she is.
I feel no comfort. What I feel is weariness and a strange sense of calm amid all this unease. Like the proverbial calm before the storm. My brain knows what my next step should be. But it is my heart, that which I feel has taken enough, that wavers.
I just am not sure I can give up Jane, no matter what my brain tells me.
But it does help to know what I should do. It's a step I've never managed to take before which tells me I have made gains in dealing with this. The thought gives me no comfort. But it does give me hope - not for the relationship but for my sanity at least.
Just as I think I'll be able to finally sleep, my phone rings and in my half-asleep state, I automatically pick up. It's Jane.
"Case," she says, not even bothering with a greeting. "Case, are you there?" she checks when she hears nothing from me. I manage a weak "yeah" which she takes as her cue to keep talking. "Case, I can't stop by tonight, the case we're working on has opened up and we'll likely be here all night. I'll be there early tomorrow morning though and I need you to promise you won't leave before I get there." She halts and I hear her talking to someone in the background. "Sorry, that was Vince. Anyway, I need you to just make sure your place is locked and wait for me in the morning, ok. You're fine, don't worry, it's just a precaution," she reassures me somewhat distractedly. "Just please, promise me you won't leave for work before I get there, ok."
I want to ask what the hell is going on but before I can say anything, Jane rushes off with a quick goodbye and apology, promising she'll make sense of this confounding conversation when she comes over.
I stare at my phone for several seconds, not quite sure if I had dreamt that exchange with Jane.
I sigh and realize it would be even harder to find sleep now.
I wish I could say Jane's call and cryptic instructions were enough of a distraction from what I consider the more pressing matter, the next step to take in our relationship, but it was not. I had lain awake till past two weighing out the pros and cons of every possible step I could take next.
I have resolved to, once and for all, ask Jane outright about her feelings toward Maura and the consequences on our relationship. It was never my plan to withhold from Jane that I had witnessed their intimacy in Maura's office yesterday. It will be brought up, among several other things.
By 6 I'm dressed and ready for work, thinking that if this conversation with Jane ends badly, I would be able to just leave without having to worry about the logistics of getting dressed and such. Besides, knowing Jane, her definition of "early" could vary anywhere from 4AM to 10 AM.
Sure enough, I hear a car pull up in the driveway and then footsteps approaching my front door. I take a peek through the peephole and am surprised to see Frankie with Jane.
The siblings appear to be engaged in serious conversation when I open the door, startling them both. "Sorry, didn't mean to startle you guys," I smile at the haggard-looking pair.
"Oh, hi hon," Jane greets me first, Frankie waving a greeting from over her shoulder. She leans in to give me a quick kiss, seemingly eager to usher me inside. I move over to let them in, keeping a hand on Jane's arm to let Frankie pass. I shoot her a questioning look as soon as Frankie's a small distance away, slumped on the couch in obvious exhaustion. "Let's go sit down, I'll tell you everything," Jane leads me toward the couch with a hand on my elbow.
"Wait," I halt her progress, tugging on the tail of her blazer which is all I manage to catch. She gives me a tired smile, her features a mixture of curiosity and restlessness. "Will we have time to sit down and talk later? Just us," I ask almost whispering, not wanting Frankie to be embarrassed and feel like he's intruding.
Jane is quite obviously hesitant. "We'll make time, ok. I'm just...we're kind of in the middle of something really important in the case we're working on right now. But...I'll make time, of course," she says, what's written on her face not quite matching her reassuring words. "Let's go sit down and let me tell you what's going on."
Frankie moves over to the recliner while Jane and I sit on the couch. Jane takes a deep breath, heightening my anxiety. I still have absolutely no clue what this is all about.
My girlfriend takes both my hands in hers and then shifts them so that her palms are facing up, my hands resting lightly on hers. "I know you've been curious about my hands, Casey…" she begins, tone sombre and uncertain. She proceeds to tell me about how she got the scars on her hands and, more importantly, who had put them there, how he's involved in their current case, and the threat he poses.
"But I thought you had put him in jail?" I question, a little more enlightened yet still feeling a bit lost and confused.
"Yes, we did. But he has...ways. Apprentices, things like that. I don't really want to get into too much detail, Case. All you need to know is his M.O.," she tells me firmly, trying to keep me focused. "He targets couples to instill more fear. He kills, rapes the wife in front of husband...I'm sorry," she pauses, laying a comforting hand on my thigh, "I know it's hard to hear but I just want to give you an idea why I'm concerned. He targets couples and he...he hates me. He has a bone to pick with me and because of that, I want...we want to be careful. Vince and I feel it's in your best interest, you being my girlfriend, that someone stay with and keep an eye on you for the time being. Just until we sort things out and make sure he doesn't have the means to hurt anyone."
It makes sense to me now, Frankie's presence. He must be here to watch over me, protect me should there be a threat. In spite of the gravity of the situation, I find the prospect of Frankie following me around a tad amusing. "So I'm guessing Frankie's gonna be my bodyguard?" I turn toward the younger Rizzoli, shooting him a teasing smile. He sends me an "at your service" salute in reply. We both chuckle at the situation.
"I'm glad you two find this amusing," Jane quips, smiling slightly but evidently still in stern detective mode.
"Come on, Jane, I have to find a way to not let this drive me insane," I reason with her. "I mean, this is quite a bit to take in, don't you think?" That earns me a guilty look from her.
"Of course. I'm sorry, Casey. You wouldn't even be in this situation if not for me," she rasps out, her exhausted eyes clouded even more with guilt.
"Hey," I put a finger under her chin, lifting her distraught face up toward me, "no. No, Jane. Don't go there. I knew what I signed up for when I fell in love with you. This...this is part of it and you should give me more credit than that. There's no way I'm blaming you for this, ok. You haven't done anything wrong. You're doing everything right, trying to protect me." I cradle her face in my hands and kiss her, my own emotions intensifying. My words intended to reassure her may have been meant for my own ears, my own heart, to hear too.
"Thank you, Casey."
Frankie clears his throat behind me, effectively putting an end to the moment we're having. "Uh, sorry to interrupt but Janie, it's almost 8, you gotta be at the infirmary soon and you still have to pick up Maura."
The mention of the doctor's name snaps me back to reality. I reckon there wouldn't be time for my questions now. I wouldn't even think of bringing them up when Jane is clearly preoccupied, almost obsessively so, with this case. It explains why she seems to have been suffused with anxiety these past few days, on edge and uneasy.
It also explains why Maura had been so insistent on staying at work yesterday. It also gives new meaning to what she had witnessed at the M.E.'s office. It may have appeared like it had been Jane comforting Maura but it had probably gone both ways, the doctor keeping her best friend close as a means to comfort. Acquiescing to Jane's entreaty may have been meant to take the edge off the brunette.
It makes more sense now. And hurts that little bit more, finding one more thing to validate just how much they rely on each other - almost to the exclusion of others around them.
Almost as an afterthought, I ask, "Where are you and Maura going?"
I catch the glare Jane sends Frankie's way and know instantly he has divulged something she hadn't meant for me to know. "Uhm...we're…" she stalls and I prod her with a look, "We're meeting with Hoyt."
"You're what?! Are you crazy, Jane?" I cry out in disbelief. "Why would you even want to see him, be in the same room as that lunatic after everything you've gone through with him?"
"Case…" Jane pleads, attempting to calm me with gentle hands on my arms, "It'll be ok, it's in a secure place, there's going to be a guard, and he'd be chained and cuffed. There's no way he could touch me. I won't let him," she reassures me. "As soon as we feel he's yanking our chain, we won't even waste our time, we're gone." Her words do work to reassure me. As scared as I am for Jane, I trust her skills as a detective and given their history, I know she would be extra careful.
"It's not like I can say anything to stop you anyway," I remind her, reaching up to give her another kiss. "Just promise me you'll be careful."
"I promise."
I can't help the heaviness in my heart as I watch her leave. Before she can run off, I grab her by the elbow and pull her towards me for another kiss. "I love you, Jane. Be careful, please," I whisper against her lips.
"You too, Case. And I promise, I'll be back in one piece," she tells me, reassuring me with a confident smile I know masks her own anxiety.
It's only when I'm watching her drive off that I realize I hadn't even asked why Maura, who is not a detective, would be going with her.
