"Do you truly have to go?"

Morgana felt the hairs on the back of her neck stand to attention the moment Merlin glanced across the bed at her in response, sapphires drawing her in against her will. The first rays of morning were creeping across his face, odd shadows playing over the sculpted landscape. In moments such as these, she was beginning to learn, the goofy servant would fall away and the ethereal sorcerer emerged, breathtaking in his strangeness. It was bizarre, how long it had taken her to notice him, as if she was intentionally denying something to herself. He smiled softly and traced circles on her hand with his thumb; though in their wakefulness they shyly occupied opposite sides of the bed, she'd found herself almost physically unable to free his callused hand from her vice grip.

Last night had been a first for her. She had slept in the same bed with her parents and even Gwen when she was a little girl, trying to stave away her night terrors, but with adulthood came a yearning to deny her weakness (or as much of it as she could) even to her best friend. She was a lady of the court now, strong and beautiful and untouchable by anything, including silly dreams. And yet, any amount of time spent alone with Merlin found her cast-iron walls swinging open at the slightest nudge, as if he had a key and could stroll into her heart whenever he wished. She had later lamented voicing to Merlin her thoughts on magic when they were fighting for that poor Druid boy's life, unable to understand what had prompted her to say such potentially lethal things, and kept her distance to prevent further incriminations.

Some part of her knew even then that he made her vulnerable in a way she'd never been before, that she had to erect a wall between them to maintain her strength. She had spent so much of her life coming apart at the seams in one way or another; she could not- would not- let anything break her further. For his part, Merlin had always kept his own walls between them- between everyone- and she now understood what was behind them; stared into the shining eyes of an old soul who had killed and schemed and fought endlessly to protect those who would hate him if they ever knew. In a little over a day, both of their walls had been obliterated- no, they had been let down for each other, as if on instinct. And suddenly they had gone from close acquaintances to… something more.

Because they weren't friends, couldn't be after they fought back-to-back through the day from hell and lost anyway; after they shared everything and swore an unspoken vow to never let each other be lonely again; after their very feelings mingled as easily as their magic and the line between Morgana and Merlin blurred ever so slightly. But most of all they couldn't be friends because all through last night she had clung to him harder than she had ever held another, her fierceness countered only by his tender grasp around her back, and with all of herself laid bare before another and seventeen lives on her conscience somehow she had never, ever slept better. No, they were not friends, they were… something. If only she knew what. All she knew was that now that he was in her bed, she desperately didn't want him to leave.

"…Morgana?"

Morgana blinked and flushed under his tiny smile, realizing that she had very obviously wandered off into her musings and missed his response.

"I'm sorry, Merlin, I'm, um… still waking up." From his small nod he seemed to accept her clumsy lie- they were far too calm to feel each other's emotions- and that was something else that confused her. She had long ago learned the ways of the court, of politics and deflections and double meanings and even outright deception. So why was it so difficult for her to lie to him?

"I was just saying, um, I think I've stayed long enough as it is." Merlin said with his own flush, the sight making her gut do an odd swoop, and the feeling must have been strong enough to register magically because he shot her a surprised look and embarrassedly made to get up.

"No!" She was slightly angered at how childish she must have seemed, grabbing the back of his shirt and pulling him back to bed, and he gave her a shocked look from the pillows. It took her a moment to realize she was above him now, her hair framing his face like rainfall, and against her will she found her eyes again trailing over his face, his lips, drinking in the sight of his (for once) bare neck and the contours of his collar bones peeking above the shirt.

The sight of his bandages broke her from her trance, making her realize maybe his expression had been one of pain when she pulled on his shoulder, and she felt herself flush (again) with shame. He was only hurt because of her after all, and the least she could do was not make it any worse.

"…Milady."

Merlin's firm voice and the hand cupping her face brought her gaze back to him below her, giving her a loaded look. She felt their magic beginning to mingle again, as best she understood it, and a torrent of his mixed sensations poured into her. Surprise, pain, sorrow, faith, confusion, sympathy, arousal-

…Now hang on a minute.

They both looked away and tried to calm themselves down, and she moved further away on the bed and allowed him to gingerly lift himself up. It was the first time she had broken contact with him since they had gotten into bed, and the loss of it threw her. The more time she spent with him the more she felt her inner sorceress, buried and imprisoned up until now, roaring to life and begging for contact. He brought out the magic in her, literally connected to her in a way no one else could and the newness of it all was terrifying. What was happening to them?

"I think…" Merlin began shakily, and then gave her a short piercing look before continuing. "Gwen will be here to wake you up soon, and I need to do the same for Arthur." …A crooked smile. "And I'm sure Gaius has had a few heart attacks since I went out last night with an arrow wound and didn't come home."

Morgana nodded and tried for her own smile; as if she wasn't terrified by whatever was between them and infuriated that he wouldn't stay and figure it out with her.

"I-I suppose you're right. …All back to normal, then?"

They locked gazes for another long while as the sun finally rose completely into the room. Could anything ever be normal again, after this?

"I hope you're feeling better, milady." Merlin spoke formally as he at last stood, bowing as a good servant should. It was a calculated attempt at reversing the changes in their interaction and she hated it. Instead of letting herself fly off the handle, she caught him before he left with a sensual drawl.

"Oh yes, Merlin. I haven't slept that well in my life."

Morgana took great pleasure in the way his body went still at that, before he slipped out the now unguarded door.

Left alone, she fell back on her pillows, blowing her hair out of her face angrily. Her eyes landed on his beautiful flowers, moved next to her bed last night as a reminder of him. She glared at them as if they were Merlin.

So you think you can just go back to being my "sometimes friend", do you? Morgana thought furiously, too angry to notice the thread of excitement in her. She wasn't going to make it that easy for him.

###

"Where the hell have you been?"

Arthur was already up by the time Merlin came careening into his room with a food tray, almost spilling it in his haste. The prince rolled his eyes at Merlin's ineptitude and strode over.

"Oh, give me that before you fling it across my chambers." He scolded affectionately- or as affectionately as Arthur got with anyone who wasn't Gwen, you had to know him to tell the difference- and forcefully took the tray. Good thing, too, because Merlin's arm wasn't one hundred percent and he had been discretely levitating it above his hands in order to carry it.

"Sorry, sire." Merlin said with a smile. "It was a late night, last night."

That wasn't to say that he wasn't extremely rested. To be honest, he couldn't remember ever sleeping better in his life than snuggled up to Morgana, and did he just use the word 'snuggle' with 'Morgana' in the same sentence? How the hell had all this happened?

Apparently she liked snuggling up to you too, you know. Will-Merlin reminded wryly, and damn it, he was supposed to stop doing that. Morgana was bringing out the crazy in him… amongst other things. This was so very, very wrong, not to mention dangerous, and he needed to find a way to control these feelings before he began trying to teach her to magic. Merlin ignored the massive surge of joy at the thought of actually sharing what he knew with her, of watching her eyes light up with that beautiful glow.

Self-control, Merlin, come on!

"Oh, really?" Arthur broke him out of his reverie, prat-voice at maximum. So he was cross, then. The good news was that he hadn't started going 'Merlin' yet, so there wasn't going to be anything flung at him at least.

"Yes, really." Merlin replied, his seamless deception skills in effect. Well, maybe not so seamless, because Arthur was giving him the prat-eye now.

"Because a little bird told me that you were drinking yourself stupid at that tavern last night while I fought with my father and the rest of the men for Morgana's life."

"…Fought, really?"

Arthur grimaced in confusion at his odd response.

"Yes, fought! It was an epic battle."

"Are you sure? Are you sure it wasn't just a lot of talking and some arrows and then the sorcerer left?"

Arthur glared, somewhere between annoyed and flustered. Merlin just looked at him, taking advantage of Arthur's befuddlement at the turn the conversation had taken to swipe slice of bread from the tray he was still clutching unnoticed.

"No, Merlin, it was an epic battle."

Merlin just loudly took a bite from the bread in front of him in response. Arthur angrily snatched it out of his mouth and pointed it at him like a sword.

"And anyway, the old bastard is dead; otherwise Morgana would still be enchanted." He sobered. "I still can't believe what was done to her. Do you know he made her confess to being a witch to my father?"

Merlin shifted awkwardly. "I… heard. Terrible. Almost as terrible as my night."

Arthur cocked an eyebrow regally. "Oh, and what's so terrible about dunking your head in a keg of ale and sobbing over your great unrequited love for Morgana?" Merlin shot him a death glare that just made him smirk knowingly.

"For your information, I got into a bar fight."

Arthur burst into laughter. It took Merlin showing him his bandaged torso to convince him that he had, in fact, been stabbed by an unruly lout at the tavern last night; the only cover Merlin could come up with for both his disappearance at the time of Dragoon's attack and his obvious wound. Once he had gotten Arthur calmed down, ("Who the bloody hell thinks they can stab my manservant and get away with it?") he decided to address something that was beginning to grate on him.

"And I'm not in love with Morgana, by the way."

"Mm-hm."

"Totally not all."

"Right."

"I mean, when you think of people I'm in love with, she's not… not even up there."

"Merlin, if you don't even sound convinced, how can you convince me?"

###

It hadn't been difficult to procure the list of the executed.

Morgana had sat there reading it as she eat breakfast, as Gwen did her hair, as Uther came in to check on her and reassure her and all the things worried guardians did when they weren't psychotic. Her eyes blazed over the names, until every single one was burned into her memory, until she saw the ink strokes on the backs of her eyelids. Never forget, she drilled into herself.

And that was how she ended up standing nervously under the afternoon sun in the lower quarter of town. Before her was the humble home of Deacon the groomer, husband to Estelle the seamstress who had been suspected of ensorcelling her needle to move faster than the naked eye and therefore executed as a suspect in her attack. Gwen grasped her hand worriedly.

"My lady, you don't have to do this."

Morgana shot her a sad smile. "Of course I do, Gwen."

"This wasn't your fault."

Morgana bit back a harsh retort, so tired of hearing that when it was her powers that had put Estelle and the others in harm's way. Gwen looked at her imploringly, curls blowing in a slight breeze.

"That spell the sorcerer put you under; it wasn't you, Morgana. Uther killed those people because of the sorcerer's actions, not yours."

Morgana shook her head. The problem with the plan to hide her part in the mess was that it worked too well, hid her blame and made it difficult to openly express her guilt.

"Still, I feel responsible," she said when she had composed herself. "This man's wife is gone and she is just one of many to have fallen in some way because of me." In all ways because of me. "I need to talk to him, Gwen."

Gwen nodded understandingly. "Do you want me to come with you?"

"No, thank you." She said fondly, because this was her very best friend in the whole world even if she was too scared of magic to ever be trusted with her secret. The thought speared her heart, made her realize that she and her sister in all but blood were drifting in different directions. Was this what Merlin felt, every time he lied to Arthur?

With a last reassuring smile at her handmaiden, Morgana knocked on the door, and prayed the month's supply of fresh bread and wine she could offer could give the man some comfort.

It was all she could do for her victims.

###

He felt her excitedly approaching the door before he even knocked, and breathed in the cool night air to try and calm himself before their bizarre connection had gotten any further. He was tempted to ask Gaius about it, if only it wasn't so intensely personal , and even briefly entertained the notion of talking to the dragon before slamming the door shut on that idea with uncommon venom. He- it- still whispered to him occasionally, reminding him of the oath he had sworn ("…on my mother's life…") to release him and his terrible rage. Merlin preferred not to think about the dragon- about what it had almost done to his mother through him- but he couldn't help but wonder when the day would come when he would again need help… and what other promises the dragon could draw from him.

"Merlin!" Morgana's pleased exclamation brought him back to reality as the door swung open; she was a vision in blue today with her hair braided back, and Merlin quickly cut himself off before he ogled her anymore. He had been over this with himself, damn it.

"Milady." He said, not realizing how graved he sounded, and unconsciously clutched the wrapped package he was holding closer to his chest. Her face fell at his tone, but she opened the door wider to let him in.

"You've changed your mind." She said, and the anger in her voice was only overshadowed by her sadness. Merlin blinked owlishly at her in surprise.

"…A-about what?"

"…About teaching me magic. You've changed your mind, haven't you?"

"What? No!" He almost yelled, making her jump in surprise. Merlin realized she had misinterpreted his initial solemnity as regret for promising to aid her, perhaps thinking that because of this morning he was pulling back completely. As if I could. Even if she was, perhaps, becoming a bit too attached to him then was appropriate, he couldn't stay away from her. He physically couldn't.

Merlin shoved the package in his hands forward awkwardly, aware that he was looking a bit like a child presenting a badly drawn picture. Morgana glided forward to accept it, and he almost cursed inwardly at the way she intentionally brushed her fingertips with his own. She flashed a small, victorious smile at his reaction, before her curiosity won her over and she gestured wordlessly for him to explain.

"Just open it." He replied shyly, backing up a step embarrassedly and catching her annoyed glance at his feet.

Merlin knew it was very counter-productive to stare, but her elegant fingers where mesmerizing as they carefully slid through the shorn fabric; his old blue scarf which he had once accidently transported into an eagle's nest (damn bird). She seemed intent on not tearing the cloth further, and when she was done gently unfolding she looked up at him in incomprehension.

"It's… it's a spell book. Actually, it's my spell book." Merlin felt a massive grin split his lips. "A very early happy birthday to you, milady."

In all of Merlin's time on earth, there were a few memories he held close to his heart, preserved for future examination when he needed them. The pride and joy in his mother's eyes as he performed magic intentionally for the first time. The furious look on Will's face when he told him how much he felt like a freak, as if his friend couldn't understand how the world could do that to him. The first time he had seen Arthur, his mother, and Gaius alive after Nimueh, all untouched after the worst ordeal of his life. The first time he had seen Morgana, looking down somberly out her window at Thomas Collins' execution, the sight forever burned into his mind.

Merlin knew instantly that her explosive smile, and the knowledge that he had put it there, would be an image he would carry with him forever.

###

"…And what does this one do?"

A rumbling laugh. "It darkens a color to black."

"Hm, that's not very interesting. What about this one?"

"Sleeping spell."

"Oh, was this what Mary Collins used on all of us when she was singing?"

Merlin yawned from his spot next to her on the table. They were sitting close together, pouring over the dusty tome like a new toy; Morgana had never been this excited in her life, and judging by his grin it must have been infectious.

"No, this is just the basic sleep spell. There are more advanced variants," he blushed and jerked a thumb towards the lilacs on her dressing table. "I've put a few passive ones on those flowers, actually."

Morgana raised an eyebrow. "They don't work very well."

Merlin gave a weak grin. "…Like I said, passive."

Morgana laughed, taking the opportunity to covertly place her hand over the inside of his elbow, delighting at his shiver. Not so easy to pull back now, is it, Merlin?

"So, you're really giving this to me?" She asked, leaning in perhaps a bit more than necessary. Merlin averted his gaze with a flush, looking awkward and adorable.

"We-well, I think the best way for you to learn is to have a way for you, uh, stay connected to your magic whenever you want, even if it's just reading all the stuff you'll be eventually doing. Besides, that book taught me everything I know, it'll serve you well."

Morgana frowned as a thought occurred to her. "But won't you need it? All the trouble Arthur gets into?"

"I've read most it anyway, and if I need to look through it I'll just swing by." She didn't bother to hide her grin at yet another reason for him to come see her. Merlin smiled back, only a bit restrained, and rested his palm on her hand over his arm. They both almost jumped as the idle gesture caused their magic to click into place, mixing like two rivers colliding into one.

"Merlin…"

They were very close.

"Morgana, I…"

…And moving closer. Her hand slipped out of his grasp and trailed up his arm, feeling the goose bumps rising on his skin as if the sensation were her own. He shifted slightly and their hips connected with an electric jolt. The intensity of their bond was overwhelming her, but she wanted more, lips almost brushing, hand moving across his chest-

"OW!"

Morgana yelped as the feedback from the pain Merlin felt echoed into her through their magic, and she quickly pulled her hand away from the wound that she had again forgotten was there.

"S-sorry, are you alright?" Of course he's not, he was hit by an arrow and you won't stop groping the gaping hole in his shoulder.

Merlin waved her off. "Yeah, yeah, just a- just a surprise, is all."

Morgana thought that was a bit of an understatement, but she felt his guilt and regret about what had just almost happened between them before he shut off the connection. Of course, she also felt a great thrumming want engulfing him as well, which made her more than a little happy. And also smug.

"Well, um…" Merlin searched for words as he got to his feet, rubbing his shoulder achingly. He looked solemn, almost sad all of a sudden, and she was reminded of the look on his face as he sat below her last night. "I'm sorry."

"Whatever for?" Morgana said immediately, standing up with him. "I was just as much a participant in that as you were." She was aware that she was flirting for all she was worth, but he really was too cute when he was flustered. Instead of cute, though, she got guilty Merlin, a rare sight.

"Yes, and that's… wrong." He almost whispered, and if she wasn't so confused she'd be infuriated. He rushed to explain, "You've had a difficult few days, and you're not yourself right now. I couldn't live with myself if I…"

"…Took advantage?" She finished for him weakly, and felt a blow to her heart when he nodded. Is that all he thought this was? That she was just… using him for comfort?

"Anyway!" Merlin clapped suddenly, (hiding a wince) slipping back on the cheerful servant mask that served as such a good deflection. "We're both pretty tired and I have a million things to do for Arthur in the morning, so we'll start your lessons tomorrow, okay?"

"Merlin…" She protested, her voice falling on deaf ears as he moved towards the door uncommonly fast.

"Look through that book as much as you want, there's a lot there!"

"Merlin, I-I…"

"Don't worry about finding too good a hiding place, it's enchanted-"

"Merlin-"

"…Most people barely notice it unless they know what it is-"

"Stay with me tonight!"

His lanky frame froze stiff at the door, just like it had in the morning, but this time he didn't open it. Morgana was standing still herself, unable to believe she had actually put that thought into words. Slowly, he turned towards her, looking bewildered and… hopeful?

"I… what?" He said dryly, and taking a deep breath she stomped towards him determinedly.

"I want you stay with me again, tonight, Merlin. If you don't mind?"

"What- milady, I can't-?"

"And why not?" She shot back furiously, using her anger to hide an irrational hurt. Merlin's eyes shot around the room as if he was looking for some escape.

"It's-it's not seemly…"

Morgana took a deep breath to prevent herself from exploding; both times she had yelled at him he had fought back just as hard, and as much as she loved the way he looked when angry she knew she had to be truthful if she wanted him to listen. On the other hand-

"Merlin, it's not like I'm going to ravish you…" She looked up at him under her eyelashes. "…unless you ask me too, that is."

The look on his face was delicious.

But it was quickly dissolving into anger, and she realized that he thought she was teasing him, or using him, or whatever absurd notion he had in his head. Was it so hard for him to believe that she could genuinely want him? He moved to open the door-

"No!"

-and the door slammed shut again on its own accord the moment it was open.

Merlin's eyes met hers, amber in response to her magic, conveying so much surprise and appreciation and pride that she felt herself glow inside with warmth. Instead of letting it show, however, she made a frustrated gesture at the door.

"See? That's why I need you to stay, Merlin!" He just tilted his head oddly, and she almost tripped over her own words in her rush to convince him. "My magic is still out of control, and it will be until I learn. The last random act of magic I had got seventeen people executed and you almost killed, and I can't-"

She turned away from him for a moment to hide the tears threatening to gather, knowing it was a futile gesture, knowing he could feel her guilt threatening to swallow her whole at the thought of them. Almost against his will, she felt his feet drag him behind her and coarse hands rest comfortingly on her shoulders.

"They're dead, and I can't stand it." Morgana whispered brokenly. "And I can't stand the thought that I could go to sleep tonight and have another horrible nightmare and light my room on fire and more people could die."

Merlin rested his forehead against the top of hers, an odd motion that only served to make her feel closer to him. On impulse she spun around, so that their foreheads were now together, and stared him dead in the eyes.

"And then there was you. You held me all through the night and I meant it, Merlin, when I said I'd never slept better." He was blushing again, wide-eyed and so very breathtaking. Instinctually she raised a hand to ball over his heart, smugly feeling his heart accelerate at her closeness. "I touch you, and I can feel your magic…"

A thread of affection spread from him up through her arm, and she let him see the way it made her shiver.

"…and I can feel you, Merlin. And you make the dreams and the fires go away, and I can sleep. I need that. I need you."

His heart actually skipped a bit at that, and she moved in for the kill.

"Just until I can control my magic… please."

For the longest time he just stared at her, blank faced and determinedly calm to keep her from feeling inside of him. Just when she was thinking that he would turn and walk out the door, he gave a resigned sigh and was suddenly plopping unceremoniously onto her bed, arms outstretched towards her. She actually squealed as she leapt into his arms.

Morgana stayed up late that night, listening to the rhythm of his breathing against her ear and the gentle song of his magic resonating with hers. It was the closest she had ever felt to another, the most natural thing in the entire world. No, they weren't friends. And right now, in this moment, she finally knew what they were. Merlin was in denial about it, whether because of their differences in status or that what they shared could get him killed, she didn't know. What she did know is that while she wasn't known for her patience, she would learn how to wait for him.

Because we're in love, Merlin. And you can't fight love.

###

And so it begins in earnest. :D

Longest chapter yet, don't expect any future installments to be this long. I had a... what's the opposite of writer's block? Writer's flood?