Doom was waiting on the phone for me. Rather, it was just Rosalie, but it might as well have been the Grim Reaper. Condemnation and Rosalie usually went hand in hand for me.
Alice still held the phone as she took my hand and began leading me upstairs. Esme gripped my other arm. I let them take me, focusing on the spongy feel and squashing sound my feet made on the carpeted steps.
I was in the bedroom now. Esme shut the door behind us. Alice pushed a button on the phone and set it on the nightstand beside us.
"Go ahead, Rosalie," Alice said as she returned to my side. She had placed her sister on speaker phone. Esme began drying my hair. Alice was peeling my shirt off.
Embarrassment coursed through my shoulders, fear gurgled in my chest, and anxiety ran through the floors of my mind. I wished the frigid rain would numb the overwhelming emotions in the same way it had numbed my fingers. I eyed the bed, wondering if I could get away with flinging myself under the covers and shutting out everything else, at least for a time.
"How is he?" Rosalie's clear voice came through the black plastic.
"He's.... I … he's downstairs with Carlisle. I can go get him," I offered, tearing at my nails before Alice separated my hands and slid a fresh shirt over my head. I looked to Esme for help. She gazed at me with hesitating eyes; she only shrugged her shoulders helplessly and continued running the towel over my hair.
"Just tell me how he is." Rosalie's firm voice filled the stiff night air.
"I- I don't know. He's tired. Something's not right. Maybe you should ask Carlisle… Esme?"
"We already told Rosalie. She is up to speed on the situation," Esme explained. I kept my vision on her. Her golden eyes held a concern that was doing a better job of warming me up than the towel that was running through my hair.
"I don't know what you want from me, Rosalie," I uttered with a silent prayer that she would hear my earnest confusion.
"How is he?" she asked again, slowly. I stopped to picture Edward in my mind. I sighed.
"He's … happy."
"That's what I thought. Don't fight him on this then. Not on this, Bella."
"I'm scared," I admitted. Alice and Esme stepped closer on each side of me. Coolness radiated from their bodies, but I relaxed at their proximity.
"What's happened is like a miracle," Rosalie declared.
"And if something happens to him? How much of a miracle would it be?"
"Do you love him?" Rosalie ignored my question and fired one of her own.
"That's why I'm scared. I don't want to be here without him. He could be really sick, Rosalie." The tears were falling off of my cheeks before I even knew I had started crying.
Esme's beautiful, hard face was pressed with pain. The image pinched my throat closed, making it difficult to breathe normally. She gasped over her own tearless sobs. My fingers found her hand and squeezed.
"Do you love him?" Rosalie asked again. I huffed in frustration and looked to the ceiling, willing the water to abate.
"Rosalie," Alice warned, and I felt her hand travel up and down my back.
"Do you love him?" she asked again loudly, sounding almost impatient.
"Yes," I finally screamed. I was angry now. "Of course I do. That's why this is impossible!"
"You love him," Rosalie's voice confirmed. "That's why you must believe in the impossible. This could work, Bella. Just let him try."
"If this works, you'll be the next in line. Am I right?" Bitter Bella was making an appearance. I clamped my mouth shut, managing to bite the very tip of my tongue in the process.
"We haven't always gotten along, Edward and I. But he is my brother. I want him happy, and I know better than anyone that this – sparing you from an unnatural world – will make him the happiest. He and I share a similar desire. We yearn for a human life. Bella, if he could get past his physical ailments.… If he was healthy, would you allow him to try to make a life with you in this way?"
"My life is with Edward – no matter what he is or what I am."
"Then let him heal. Be patient, Bella. Please. Please."
"Are you coming home soon, Rosalie?" Esme cut in as she began ushering me toward the bed. She had obviously had enough of this conversation.
"Not quite yet. Emmett is meeting me in Italy. I'll be back soon enough. As long as Bella promises to take care of my now very human brother."
"I will." My voice wasn't as strong as I needed it to be. A clicking sound came from the phone, but the three of us remained silent in the unlit room long after Rosalie hung up.
I laid back beneath the blanket and Alice and Esme hovered beside me, their eyes blank and lost in obvious troubled thoughts.
"What do we do?" I finally risked a question.
"Can you be happy with Edward's decision?" Esme asked.
"Yes. I love Edward. I need him in my life because of that. As long as he's okay, I'll be happy."
"Then, what you do, Bella, is be happy. Simply be happy together." Esme brushed the hair away from my face.
Alice winked at me. "I can't see the future, but I still know that there is a happy ending in this. Human Edward and Bella or the Vampire equivalent. I feel it in the deepest part of me."
I could only nod, and then they left me to the silence.
A very lonely silence.
I couldn't fall asleep knowing that Edward was so close but not within my fingers' grasp. I never wanted to spend another night sleeping apart from him. I finally rolled out of bed and shivered all the way to the bathroom.
I clicked on the light and stared at my mangled hair in the mirror. It looked like dusky straw now that it had been dried a little. Static from the sheets had sent random strands wildly upright all around my head. I blew some of it out of my face and focused on my reflection.
I concentrated on changing my future.
I scrutinized myself in that bathroom mirror.
I had planned on something so different. For so long, I had planned on Edward's venom coursing through my veins. I had counted on my transformation into a vampire to secure an eternity with him.
Now, I would settle for what every other person must settle for. A human existence. Mortality. I no longer saw pale white skin and golden eyes. I saw plain brown hair and matching chocolate irises. A smile crept onto my reflection. Strange. I kind of liked my eyes as they were. I knew Edward did too.
I actually squinted, inspecting this new life further.
Now, I saw … college campuses. Christmas with Charlie and trips to visit my mom with Edward at my side. I saw the two of us growing older together. A ring on my finger and a walk down the aisle. We wouldn't have to disappear. I would see my family and still experience much with my friends. I could even envision a small baby enveloped in Edward's and my arms with Renee and Charlie as a proud grandma and grandpa spoiling the snot out of their grandchild. I imagined further a more mature body and Edward's gorgeously disheveled hair with strands of silver slicing their way through the copper. I pictured it all.
A long, happy life with him. Birthdays, milestones, changing diapers, reunions, and numbered sunsets. Time seemed so, so sweet – short and poignant, yes … but blissful and precious too. Time was all this and more when I looked inside this alternate bubble of imagination. Life would be the steady progression it was always meant to be.
I studied the mirror, imagining the skin around my eyes as crinkled, much like my mom's had begun to do recently. I could see laugh lines that would be sure to develop, but I didn't feel threatened by them. I envisioned Edward standing behind me, his head resting on my shoulder, looking older too, and so happy. Vivid and alive. I wasn't afraid.
I could finally see it. I would grow and live a blessed life,and Edward would grow old along with me. Man and wife, best friends. Two parts that made a single, perfect whole. He kept me complete, and he had given us a chance at a human life – to be lived together.
I inhaled deeply as if my future had its own fragrant aroma, and I breathed its scent in heartily before turning off the light.
When I returned to the dim bedroom, I could see Edward had returned. He was sitting on the edge of the bed, his back to me and his head hung dejectedly in the darkness.
"Edward?"
His shoulders shook as he spun to face me, apparently startled.
"You're still here?" he questioned, rubbing tired eyes.
"Where else would I be?" I asked back, walking over to him. I crossed my arms over my chest, still freezing from the stormy night.
"I thought … I thought maybe you had Alice take you home early."
"I've been waiting for you to finish your talk with Carlisle."
Longer than that, my mind chastised. So much longer. "I've been waiting for you for all these months. And I've been waiting for you since before Italy when you first left. Edward, I've always been waiting for you. I can't ever leave."
His shoulders slumped and he probed my face with a crumpling expression. I saw pain in the creases of his forehead, yes. And remorse. Hope, too, I thought. At least I wished for hope to be there.
"I don't deserve that kind of devotion, Bella."
"But you have it. I'm not leaving you. And I'm not letting you leave me. Ever. Again."
He raked his fingers through his hair in a sense of frustration. "Don't worry anymore. I told you before. I'm much too selfish. If you are willing to have me, I will not let you go.... I simply won't let go."
I couldn't be separated from his embrace any longer. I closed the gap, grabbed his shoulders and held onto him for dear life as he backed further into the bed and allowed me room to slip in right beside him. He pulled the heavy blanket over our shivering bodies. I pressed my chest against his, and our legs twisted together like branches of a tree. We merged together from foreheads to toes.
His hands moved up and down my arms. I mimicked his actions. We warmed each other. I listened to his breathing; it was sweeping warmly over my face. This was love. Edward was my great love, and that trumped any other feeling that could be sought after in this world. Anyone that fought against it or chose to live without it had to be out of their minds. Absolutely absurd it would be not to fight for this emotion and the one soul in the universe that made it possible. Mistakes. Pain. The sacrifice. Risk and danger. It all came with the decision to love. I was learning.
We fell into a silence, but it was not a lonely silence any longer.
"What are you thinking about?"
"Gibran's "The Prophet"," I replied, still tracing my fingers over his upper arm.
"Any particular part?"
"The part that makes me see the sense in melding my soul to yours."
My fingers roamed to his chest, hovering directly over the area where I could feel his heart thumping underneath. I hesitated.
"Would you like to hear it?" I asked after a moment.
His hair tickled my cheek when he nodded. I whispered nervously the words that could make me feel strong and sturdy on my feet in the path of any darkness.
"When love beckons
to you, follow him,
Though his ways are hard and steep.
And
when his wings enfold you, yield to him,
Though the sword hidden
among his pinions may wound you.
And when he speaks to you,
believe in him,
Though his voice may shatter your dreams."
I held my breath. Now the quiet felt strained. Silence was proving to be quite fickle.
"How I've hurt you," he finally croaked. His words broke from the sob he seemed to try keeping inside.
Love is powerful and impossible to control, I was thinking. For all of Edward's experiences in the century he had lived, he was as new to this as I was. We were stumbling together.
"Your sword is sharp, Edward. But it's just because you don't know how to use it yet. But your wings.… They're the safest feeling I've ever known. "
"How can you still trust me? I've only broken your heart. All I want to do is take care of you. And it seems as though I'm quite horrible at it. Disastrous really."
"I trust in your intentions, Edward. Always."
I heard his breathing slow after the statement. He was calming down.
"What did Rosalie want?"
"To make sure you were being taken care of. Answer honestly. Are you okay?"
"I feel better. I'll be okay."
"You have to be okay, Edward, or this plan won't work, all right?"
"There's a plan?"
I sighed. "The plan of growing old together, silly. It won't work if you croak before we ever get there." I tried to laugh but the forced effort only made it to the back of my throat. He laughed easily, though.
"What did Carlisle say?" I asked as means of diversion, pushing the pesky tears away from my eyes and off my face.
"He promised me," Edward whispered, "that no matter what, he wouldn't change me back."
I gulped. Carlisle had given him his blessing. Edward's family would support him. It was time to finalize this decision, resolve our limbo.
"One lifetime is long enough," I said quietly and searched for his lips in the dark. I kissed him encouragingly.
"Truly?" he asked me when I pulled away. I heard the hope riding on the single-worded, anticipation-laden question.
"Truly. One lifetime is long enough. If we live it together. And we leave it together."
He was crushing me then. Hugging me with a fierceness that chased away the icy coldness from my limbs.
Surely, the howling wind outside was warning me. The darkness will come again, it wailed. Bony fingers were reaching out to me in distress. No. They were just branches of dead conifers whipping against each other and snapping in the storm.
A war seemed like it had yet to be fought. But Edward and I were buried in warm blankets and wrapped in each other's needful limbs. We were together and safe in that bedroom, in that moment. I let everything else fall from my shoulders, mere weights keeping me from flight.
He murmured, "Thank you," over and over into my ear. The words under his breath were an airy, soft song that lulled me into a sleepy state. I fought against his bewitchment, but he wouldn't stop hugging me, and he wouldn't stop placing those sweet kisses on my forehead and in my still damp hair. I succumbed to the magic of his husky voice and finally fell asleep beneath his arms - the resilient, secure wings of love.
