G. A. A. R. A.
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Summary: After seeing Naruto again, Gaara is left with some puzzling thoughts and makes a trip to see the Genin from Konoha.
Disclaimer: I do not own any of these lovely angsty characters.
Pairing: NarutoxGaara
Warning: MalexMale relationships and possible language.
A/N: Yaaay!! I broke 100 reviews!! Man that always seemed like a dream of mine. Thanks to you all who contributed : ) Well I'm glad you all liked it and I know my hard work isn't going to waste. Lol This chapter is one I've been looking forward to writing forever so I hope I do the scenes justice.
I'm glad you thought I did Shino in character ;.; He was really the hardest to do. I was like … Shino… Shino… If I were Shino… What would I do? … Shino… Shino… I am a Shino… Damnit!! Lol Enjoy.
000
"Naruto…
His head was beginning to spin and he could feel the breeze flow past his face as he started to give into the temptations he had been restraining for a while now, falling into the cold water of his mind. Suffocating in thought. He wasn't ready to deal with this.
Why can't I understand?!
A new part of himself was awakening."
It was not long before the two Genin arrived back at the blonde's apartment. The travel was nearly silent as were many of them. However, Naruto couldn't help but feel the air of awkwardness that his red headed counter part was emitting this time, though he chose to ignore it. He told himself it must be a "Gaara thing."
It wasn't particularly late at night, but it was beginning to get dark as a set of gray clouds started to sneak in over the horizon, blocking the sun. Naruto looked up at the ominous sky and gave a frown. He hated it when it rained. Most of the time it just made all the bad in the world seem worse and dulled his energy. He tended to get extremely bored when it rained as well.
So it was no surprise that he felt an overwhelming sense of joy when he saw his apartment. At least he could make it light inside his room. He cast a glance at his silent friend who didn't appear to be all there at the moment and decided he hopefully wouldn't be bored either.
Gaara's eyes were hard to read at present. Naruto could tell something was bothering him, but he couldn't say what it was and he didn't expect the red head would tell him any time soon. He looked like a shell of his own body, almost as if nothing were inside him. It was a very eerie appearance and Naruto wasn't sure he liked that kind of look on Gaara. It reminded him of not too long ago when Gaara didn't give a damn about life and was mentally unstable. Not something he really wanted to remember.
Though he couldn't really complain. The day had been amazing and he was still on a natural high from all of the fun he had with his friends. He was sure tonight would be relaxing and comfortable. Gaara wasn't one for rambunctious behavior, but was really good for company when one was lonely, even if he didn't talk much. It was just nice to have him around every once in a while, Naruto decided.
The two made their way up the steps to Naruto's apartment, pausing in front of the door as the blonde fumbled with his keys, squinting at the set to determine which was the right key. Once the right one had been found he shoved it in the lock and turns it, hearing the click of the door unlocking and allowing himself inside.
Naruto didn't bother shutting the door, hoping Gaara would do it for him as he followed suit. The blonde gave a big stretch and a loud yawn as he entered the comfort of his home, making an exclamation of nothing in particular.
"Man! I'm tired," he said to break the silence in the room. He could hear the door click shut. "The sun tends to do that to me," he turned, smiling, to his red headed friend who was situating his belongings next to the door. His smile dimmed a small bit and he watched Gaara's stiff movements.
The blonde wondered if Gaara was just deep in thought… He had been introduced to a lot of people who hadn't exactly thrown cusses or shirked away from him. In fact, Naruto's friends actually seemed to be interested in Gaara. This made him a bit excited at the thought of his friends being able to hang out with the red head without Gaara feeling like a third wheel, not knowing any body and all. In reality, Naruto was more excited about Gaara being able to have good friends than anything. It brought a soft smile to his face.
Gaara lived far away, a three-day travel to another country. Naruto rarely ever saw the red head and therefore he wasn't exactly one of Naruto's best friends. However… Gaara was a demon bearer like himself… someone who was born to a fate of pain, suffering, and endless hardships. It was something the two shared that no one else could understand. It was like having a secret that only they would know about. Lips sealed. It was hard to describe…
One thing was for sure. Naruto felt drawn to Gaara because of this bond and it was Naruto's persistence that rekindled the red head's heart. There was an immense connection despite the distance between them.
Naruto hadn't realized that he had been staring until his azure eyes connected with the ice green ones belonging to his friend. The blonde felt as though he had been caught committing a crime as he studied Gaara's pale face, taking great interest in the way his brows drew up in a way that almost seemed to express that the red head was feeling some kind of remorse or sadness. There was no frown, only lips drawn into a tight line… Just his eyes…
It was strange how the shadows played on his face and Naruto couldn't help but be captivated by this display of what could be emotion. He felt privileged and mildly embarrassed that Gaara would allow such a face to be seen by the blonde.
"Are you hungry? You didn't eat much at lunch." Gaara blinked once at the statement and suddenly whatever he had been allowing Naruto to see was gone, leaving the blonde confused to if he was supposed to witness the display at all. This thought disappointed him a bit.
Instead of responding, all Gaara offered was the movement of his eyes as he switched his gaze to the floor beside him. Naruto waited a moment longer to see if the red head would make some motion with his head, but none followed. He just stood there… Staring at the floor, occasionally squinting his eyes into a glare.
"Okaaay…" Naruto gave him an odd look. Gaara was a strange character, Naruto knew that. He did and said things and acted certain ways that most people would dub as strange. Naruto accepted that. But that didn't mean that he didn't think he was still weird.
A strange smell drifted to Naruto's nostrils and he crinkled his nose.
"Well, while you go figure that out, I'm going to take a shower. Man did I work up a sweat today!" He smiled and turned to head towards the bathroom. "I stink!"
That was that.
Gaara looked up the moment Naruto turned his back to him and he watched him until the bathroom door was shut behind him.
He suddenly grimaced and drew a hand up to his head, gritting his teeth tightly and wrenching his hair by the roots. He couldn't let Naruto see him like this.
Just the very sight of the blonde was enough to send him violent shivers and uncontrollable urges to do things he had never even thought of. He had been trying so hard during their walk home to keep himself void of any thought. It was the only way to keep himself from breaking down.
He could feel himself teetering on the edge, ready to snap. He had already fallen into the ocean. He couldn't swim… He was scared.
The things that the blonde made him feel. The things that Naruto made him want to do…
It was all mixed in with the water that he was currently drowning in… He was scared.
Everything was foreign, a new world, a new light. Like nothing he had ever experience before and it scared him enough to shake his core. And when Sabaku no Gaara got scared, he got defensive.
He made a small noise to try and contain his emotions that were shaking him to the brim. He had to get them under control before Naruto came back out. He had to suppress them so the blonde wouldn't question him. He wouldn't be able to answer him calmly if he didn't… How could he answer anything pertaining to this burning desire within?
This was exhausting.
He didn't understand anything. He didn't know why he felt the way he did. He didn't know how to deal with it.
Did he accept it?
Did he fight it?
All he could do until then was suppress it. Bottle it up.
He was a volcano waiting to erupt.
What if he did the wrong thing?
What if Naruto ended up hating him for it? This scared him the most.
His pent up emotions were beginning to become overwhelming. He was tired of this. So very tired…
He felt cornered, trapped by this sea… but Gaara did not just give up and roll over. He would not just let himself drown in the abyss of carnal urges… The desire to touch… The desire to ask and listen… The desire to smile… The desire to grow beside and live like him…
These thoughts… Why was he having them? Was it because of his love? He had never felt like this before… Never wanted to do these things before…
… Did that mean he was changing?
… Was… Naruto changing him?
… What would he become? … ?!
He had wanted to change… To become the person he had always wanted to be… Loved by some and respected by all… To become someone who could be called Kazekage.
Change.
Confusion.
Love.
He didn't get it at all! It was all so frustrating and it angered him! It made his blood boil and all carnal instincts began to surface. He wanted to lash out and relieve this pressure building inside of him.
He would kick and thrash below the surface of the ocean, as futile as it was. Like an animal he would growl and claw at whatever the cause of this situation was…
…
Naruto.
He would fight it. That was it.
The door creaked open and Gaara slowly withdrew his hand, standing up straight, turning his gaze to the door as Naruto stepped out in his boxers, a towel draped around his neck as he rubbed some water from his blonde locks.
There it was again.
Gaara felt a twinge of desire to touch the blonde. To see what he felt like on his neck, his cheeks… His hair.
Naruto was the cause of all this turmoil he felt. Naruto was his problem. Naruto's effects scared him and he could feel himself recoil at this fear in defense.
Gaara sent a chilling glare at the unsuspecting blonde.
Naruto looked up at the feel of the gaze, pausing for a moment before smiling and tossing Gaara a bottle.
The red head's vision did not divert as he caught the bottle with one hand. Only then did he retract his arm to investigate what the blonde had thrown at him.
Naruto watched the red head as he examined the bottle.
"It's aloe for your sun burn," Naruto explained with a smile. "It's going to hurt later."
Gaara's head snapped up immediately, his eyes colored with guilt.
Naruto continued to smile.
What was he doing?
Gaara felt himself subconsciously swallow a large lump in his throat.
What was he doing?!
He had just been not moments ago all prepared to eliminate Naruto from his life forever. What was he thinking?! Was that even himself thinking…?
Naruto was important to him. He said things that encouraged Gaara and he did things that motivated him and helped bring him to understand what he could do with his life. He did things like this…
Gaara looked at the bottle.
Naruto had been concerned about him enough to give him aloe for his burns… He cared about Gaara… How could Gaara even think of such a thing? …
But it was this very reason that brought him back to the fact that Gaara could forgive Naruto for anything. Naruto drove him crazy with these foreign temptations and urges. To the point of actually wanted to cause the blonde physical harm… but with just a smile and a simple gesture of care, all of that was gone…
Why was this?
Was it because Gaara loved him? But he loved him as a friend… Friends can't always forgive for everything… Can they?
No… this intense emotion… Naruto had to be wrong.
Gaara's love went beyond admiration and lingered along the line of gratitude, thus giving birth to some new form of love.
But what did that mean? Words such as those meant nothing to Gaara. He didn't get them at all. He couldn't trust them. Not one bit.
Naruto's effects on him frustrated him. Drove him crazy. But Naruto himself calmed Gaara in some way and made him feel as though his existence was needed in this world… And then somehow this frustrated the red head that Naruto could make him feel many things he didn't understand because of this, thus Naruto's effects of kindness drove him mad.
It was a frustrating loop that somehow boiled down to one simple discovery that Gaara "loved" Naruto.
Love.
It was so… aggravating!
He just wanted it to disappear! Life was so much simpler without love. Painful… but simple.
There was a loud crack and Gaara could feel the cool contents of the bottle seep into the sand on his hand. Then there was silence.
"…" Naruto registered the situation as he watched the aloe ooze out of the now broken bottle. Suddenly he shifted his shocked expression to Gaara who was shooting daggers at the blonde with his eyes. This made Naruto narrow his own blue depths in retort. "What'd you do that for?! That stuff isn't cheap you know!"
That really pissed him off. Why'd Gaara just break the bottle of aloe? And most of all why was he giving him that kind of look?
He was beginning to think he did something to offend the red head.
However, Naruto got no response as he tried to silently provoke Gaara into an explanation. Instead he gave a snort and turned around to hang up his towel.
"Fine! You're so moody sometimes," Naruto said from the bathroom before emerging. Gaara hadn't diverted his gaze any and remained in the same spot as before. "I'm going to bed. Good night."
That was a cold retreat for Naruto and for some reason it brought Gaara to his senses.
Why was he acting this way? He thought to himself as he watched the blonde's back retreat to his bed.
He watched as Naruto climbed under the lightly colored sheets bathed in silky moonlight, shifting to get comfortable before stilling. Gaara did not move until he saw the steady fall and rise off Naruto's chest.
He let his gaze drift to the bottle that had been making a puddle of goop on the floor.
Why was he being like this? He didn't want to upset Naruto… He just wanted to…
That was it.
He didn't know what he wanted to do. Not with words. Not with actions. It was just something that couldn't be described. Something burning in his chest…
It confused him to the point of anger.
…
He couldn't deal with any of this.
He didn't get it…
111
It was no surprise that when morning rolled around, Naruto had completely forgotten or had forgiven Gaara for his actions the previous night. It was just the way he was.
The blonde clicked off his alarm wearily before heaving himself up into a slouch. His nightcap was a skew and he blinked a few times, trying to coax the sleep out of his eyes. Morning at last.
His limbs felt sore from the previous day even though he had obviously done much more intensive training than volleyball, fun was tiresome on its own. It was then that he remembered he had a guest with him and he sat up straight, quickly scanning his room for his visitor who seemed none to thrilled the previous night. Perhaps the nightwalker was a bit more relaxed now that he had the whole night to cool down.
Naruto had figured that Gaara was in a mood last night due to the fact that Naruto had practically begged him with his big blue eyes to come along to a social gathering. It was bad enough that Gaara wasn't too big on events such as those, let alone events with people he didn't know.
It had been a surprising experience for the red head he was sure, considering people engaged him in activities and conversation. He should have expected Gaara to be a little on edge and had felt a tiny bit guilty for snapping at the other boy. It had only been a bottle of aloe.
He did not spot the other immediately, but eventually his eye landed upon the emotionless face of his friend. Pulling off his nightcap, Naruto graced the other's presence with a warm smile.
"Mornin'!" He received no answer and let the smile drop a little to slight curves of his mouth. Gaara was always quiet, but the silent red head didn't even make a motion to acknowledge that Naruto had risen from his slumber.
To the blonde, it appeared Gaara had fallen asleep with his eyes open… Or maybe Gaara was sulking about how Naruto snapped at him the previous night… The red head was fairly sensitive towards such things the blond had concluded some time ago.
A small wave of guilt passed through the blonde.
Naruto found himself throwing off his blankets and kicking his feet off the bed into a standing position. He walked over to Gaara in a casual and unsuspecting manner and began talking to his friend.
"Hey, I'm sorry for yelling at you last night. But since you broke my bottle of aloe, we'll call it even?" the blonde offered out his hand as a truce and sent a smile his way. Naruto had been fully expecting Gaara to ignore the hand and just give one of his looks to the side that meant that Naruto was forgiven. Instead, Naruto found himself in a stare down with the green-eyed boy who was currently narrowing his eyes at Naruto's smile.
A small wave of sand appeared out of nowhere and slapped Naruto's hand away, leaving the blonde a little taken back. Naruto eyed his wronged hand before giving Gaara a strange look.
There was something different in his eyes this morning… It wasn't the same kind of look that Naruto appreciated in Gaara. The one that lets him know that's he's not alone in the world. No…
This look was colder and full of hatred… and something he couldn't quite put his finger on. It was one that sent chills down his spine and created a sense of unease throughout his body all the way to his fingertips, since he had known it so well. The look of a misunderstood six-year-old boy who hated the world he had been thrown into along with its people.
Naruto looked Gaara up and down, taking in the rigidity of his posture… his unblinking eyes and "on edge" demeanor. He almost looked like a cornered animal… That other emotion… Could it be fear?
Was Gaara afraid of something?
That would explain his actions. Gaara was an emotionally stunted child, so whatever he felt he reacted to in the way a child would see fit. He had never been taught any different nor how to handle emotions in a reasonable and mature manner.
It was evident in Gaara's fighting style as well…
Sabaku kyuu… The desert coffin. Naruto knew it was meant to kill whatever was upsetting or annoying the red head. Outstretching a hand and squeezing his fist. It seemed a very childlike mannerism to Naruto. Gaara wanted something gone, so he would use a hand signal to express what he wanted… and the sand would do his bidding.
When a child wants something, they use their hands to express their wants and needs, as does the red head standing in front of Naruto.
Yes, Gaara was inept in the field of dealing with emotions, but that was fine because Naruto would help him through it. After all, Gaara was his friend.
Naruto squinted his eyes at Gaara, giving a quick examination before giving the red head nothing more than a simple shrug before walking away. As Gaara's friend he would respect his privacy on the matter… though it was incredibly difficult to keep his mouth shut.
What in the world would scare Gaara of all people? It was juicy detail about the redhead that he was trying desperately to suppress the urge to get.
"You don't have to be such a jerk about it."
Naruto decided to ignore the redhead who was still glaring daggers at the blonde as he moved into the kitchen, searching for something his sensei would consider a "normal" breakfast.
Poking his head into the refrigerator, Naruto found a half-gallon of milk and spontaneously decided he would have cereal… If he had the cereal… Or maybe he would just have ramen and a glass of milk. Yeah, that sounded like a good meal.
Quickly, he checked the expiration date on the milk. It was only one day passed the date. It was probably still good and so he poured himself a glass and proceeded to heat up some morning ramen.
Gaara silently watched Naruto with his eyes, making sure to keep the blonde at a distance.
For Naruto, it may have seemed as though Gaara would have had time to settle his thoughts during the night seeing that Naruto had done so in his sleep. However, the blonde was completely unaware of the eight or nine hours of inner turmoil that Gaara had gone through during the night.
Currently, he was still at a stalemate with himself.
This new realization of love, the desire to be Kazekage, and everything that Naruto made him feel… It all brought on a bunch of emotions that he was unsure of how to deal with.
Originally, he had all but been consumed by them, drowning in a horrible sea of things that he didn't understand. It had brought him to a depressed state of being, something that he didn't enjoy being in, so he fought it.
He struggled against that sea, trying to understand what these emotions meant to him and it seemed unfathomable. How did one characterize something they could not see, but only feel? Something with words they did not understand?
Then sometime after Naruto had fallen asleep, leaving Gaara to admire his sleeping form… all hell broke loose.
Floating in that water, he suddenly could feel a familiar presence that was not welcome. The amber eye below him, watching him joyously as he swam for his life, left no room for misconception.
Shukaku.
Emotions were not welcome among the redhead mainly because of this problem. Gaara had never known how to differentiate between his own thoughts and Shukaku's desires since he and the raccoon demon were one and the same from Gaara's birth. Gaara had neither any instruction on what he was feeling at the time.
Shukaku was a wild spirit and loved to cause havoc and be a selfish being. So whenever Gaara would have problems understanding what caused him pain and joy, he would go into a period of break down, to try and understand all of this, leaving him vulnerable to Shukaku's wake.
He suppressed a shudder as he could almost, and perhaps he did, hear the funky chuckle of the demon waiting within.
Shukaku would not pass up the chance to be allowed one second of freedom and so this lead Gaara to the conclusion that he had to keep a distance from Naruto for the time being.
It was bad enough being in the blonde's presence. Everything he was doing was driving Gaara nuts and down into the river of confusion and ecstasy. The boy made him happy, that he was sure of. Why Naruto smiled at him and why Gaara could so easily forgive him was still a mystery.
This confusion that came with him was dangerous though. If Gaara slipped just once with his mental battle, even in his exhausted state of mind, it would be all over for Naruto. Shukaku's bloodlust and love to torment his red headed host would win.
Gaara didn't want that… He wouldn't be able to bear the loss of his only true friend…
He could very well just leave to get Naruto off his mind, but that was the problem. He didn't want to leave. He wanted to be around Naruto like all the others in Konoha and he had to admit he was jealous of the Uchiha and the lot for being privileged enough to see the blonde on a daily basis.
Though Gaara was not of Konoha, nor would he ever leave Suna. He had something to prove there and something to live for there. Konoha would serve no such purpose other than to provide him with the comfort that is Naruto.
Gaara eyed the blonde as he munched happily away at the ramen and drank his milk, unaware at what was going on in his friend's mind.
The clink of wood on porcelain signaled the end of breakfast and Naruto stood to place his dishes in the sink for later.
"Did you want something to eat, Gaara?" Naruto asked, playing host. He was fairly certain the red head wouldn't eat. He never really saw him eat outside a few nibbles of something here and there and he wondered vaguely if Gaara could eat his sand in place of food… It would be handy when food was scarce, but probably not possible without coughing up some dirt first.
Gaara's eyes homed in on Naruto, giving him a small glare. "Not if all you have is that soggy block of noodles you call ramen," he all but hissed at the blonde.
Naruto was sure his heart would stop and he felt his soul deflate little as his most precious ramen was criticized and stomped upon. Talking poorly about his favorite food was the same as talking badly about Naruto himself as far as the blonde was concerned.
His face tightened a bit at the comment and he forcibly twitched the corner of his mouth into a smile, despite the obvious vein of annoyance protruding from his forehead.
Gaara's harsh tone hadn't exactly gone over well with his easily riled nature and he had to tell himself to be patient with the redhead. He needed to be understanding, though hard as it was. Gaara was being a real jerk ever since the previous night. What with the broken bottle of aloe, the glares and physical taboo, and now the harsh comments… Gaara was becoming a regular asshole.
"Fine. I have to get some stuff at the market anyway. We'll find you some food," Naruto forced himself to say without exploding on the redhead.
Gaara was torn at this point. He wanted desperately to just simply enjoy his time with Naruto, but seeing as how the blonde had made Gaara come to love him, that was nearly impossible. The redhead needed to pry into the subject that he really didn't understand. It was just the way he was and unfortunately his actions had come with consequences concerning the possible pending death of his object of affection.
Gaara did not respond and instead watched Naruto pull on his clothes for the day, his normal orange jumpsuit. The color aggravated Gaara at the moment.
The blonde headed for the door, pausing once to see if the red head was going to follow. Gaara stood with his arms crossed across his chest, moving forward rigidly following the blonde out the apartment door and into the streets of Konoha.
112
Naruto was becoming increasingly frustrated with Gaara. The whole walk through the market was tense. On several occasions Naruto had attempted to strike up conversation with the redhead, which only resulted in the response of either silence, the most common of the two, or a rude remark.
Gaara was generally quiet during conversation, but due to the nature of the circumstance, Naruto found this to piss him off greatly and despite all of it, the blonde continued to be hospitable to the redhead.
Naruto had picked up another bottle of aloe in the market and had found some food in the store that Gaara hadn't refused or ignored. It had been quite the trial of his patience, which was wearing thin by now.
The clouds of the previous night had done nothing to disperse, still giving that ominous air and promise of rain. It was muggy and the air was thick and quiet. Not many were outside in the gloom hovering over Konoha.
The pair were climbing the stairs back to Naruto's apartment in silence. Naruto was not keen on breaking this silence seeing as how all other attempts had brought his friend into an even fouler mood, however the time was getting late and he had to meet Team 7 out at the training grounds soon.
When reaching the door, Naruto turned to Gaara. The redhead stared at his host with sharp eyes, intensified by the rings surrounding them.
The blonde hesitated, pausing to lick his lips. His heart was jumping for reasons he couldn't quite explain. Instinct was telling him that something big was about to happen and he wasn't sure if it was good or bad.
"Hey… You can use my kitchen to make yourself something. I need to get going. Sakura-chan's waiting for me," Naruto explained, not being able to help the silly voice that escaped him at the mention of his crush. Hopefully training with Kakashi and the others would relieve him of the frustration Gaara was making him endure.
Gaara couldn't stop the words that flowed from his mouth next and he instantly regretted them.
He hadn't really meant them. In fact he did not mind the girl he had just insulted at all.
He was annoyed at the fact that Naruto was going to be leaving him alone for a little while to be around someone other than him. Someone else that Naruto obviously "loved." Gaara had been struggling to keep himself sane just to be around the blonde. He wanted Naruto to be around him, yet he couldn't blame the blonde at the moment if Naruto wanted to leave. Gaara wasn't being exactly sociable.
He was jealous.
He was on edge all day and night and he was becoming irritated by this whole mental situation he found himself in. But the look on the blonde's face as soon as the last word left his lips led him to believe that this particular topic that had been bothering him for some time would soon be ending.
"Why are you so intent on seeing that twit? You know she has no interest in you," Gaara said, looking to the side in a subconscious fit of guilt… trailing off in his words.
The low rumble of thunder in the distance was drowned out by the intense silence that hung between the two standing outside Naruto's apartment door.
Gaara could feel the rage building inside his friend at his words. Why was he intentionally making Naruto angry?
Naruto clenched his fists tightly, his eyes obscured by the shadow of his bangs. Gaara could not will himself to look at the blonde, suddenly afraid at what his words might have caused. He felt his heart clench a little as the corner of his eye caught a shudder in the blonde's firm stature.
Suddenly, Gaara felt very small. He knew he had done wrong and he was afraid of what would come. The words spoken were not his right to say. They would undoubtedly anger Naruto. They would drive him away. Make him hate Gaara…
…
Gaara didn't want that… and yet the monster that he was made him say things like that.
"What is wrong with you?" Naruto said quietly and slowly. Gaara had stepped over the line. It was one thing to be rude to Naruto. To mock him. To ignore him and just be a downright bastard… But when Gaara insulted one of his important people…
And yet it was so unlike Gaara…
They had been making so much progress… Gaara was becoming more able to talk to other people and interact with his family… He was opening up and was comfortable around Naruto…
So why this?
Why the sudden change? It didn't make sense…
Gaara could hear the tremble of rage in his voice and he could feel his heart cracking. Why was this happening this way? Gaara had come to Konoha to figure things out. To become closer to Naruto. To support him and enjoy his company… Not drive him away.
And yet… How did it come to this?
The anticipation and anxiety of the situation was eating away at the Shukaku holder. So many possibilities and words could come out of those lips that made him want to feel. They all played in his head in those split seconds before the climax of the moment hit, causing him to live a thousand painful possible lives.
The tension was rising. Gaara bit his lip, head still turned. What would he say? Should he say anything?
"What do you know… About Sakura-chan and me?! Huh?! That's none of your business!" Naruto finally snapped his blue eyes that reflected the piercing beam of the lightning that struck nearby.
Why?
Gaara's life from birth until this very moment flashed before his eyes. He saw the faces of his father and Yashamaru. Remembered the pain… The blood and the assassins that followed… His brother and sister… The Chuunin exam… Naruto's determined face and his utter defeat… The first smile from the blonde… His eye awakening punch… The sleep over… His realization of his desire to become Kazekage and his love for his friend… Naruto's sleeping and smiling face… That ray of sunshine and hope.
How was it now at this?
Gaara couldn't take it anymore. All the pent up emotions. All the sudden desires and nothings that he couldn't understand… It was all too much for him to bear and he could hear his scream echo throughout the barren streets of Konoha.
"I don't know!!" Naruto paused in shock, his anger forgotten as he watched his friend snap his hands up to his head, pressing them into his red locks and pulling at his hair. His dark ringed eyes were closed and his brows were scrunched up in pain.
"I don't know… !!" Gaara said a little more quietly. He really didn't.
He didn't know anything about this situation.
He didn't know why he had said those things.
Nor did he know why he felt them.
All he knew he was sure of… That warm and light feeling that spread throughout him, that inspired him and made him want to live righteous… That made him strive for physical contact and meld with the blonde… That made him feel like a person…
What was that called again?
Oh yeah. Love.
"I just love you…" Whisper.
It had shocked them both and there was a long time for either could say anything about what was set before them.
Naruto could only stare at his friend in disbelief… He felt his lips move to question his words, but found that no sound came from them.
Of course he knew Gaara loved him… He loved him as a friend he was sure, but… The manner of which this confession had just been expressed to him caused him to believe that perhaps Gaara felt just a little bit more than what Naruto had expected… Still…
It was hard to process that: Gaara loved Naruto.
Gaara loved Naruto… He was in love with Naruto…
Somehow… with all that has been going on with Gaara… It somehow made sense…
Naruto couldn't recall a time ever in his life where someone had said those words to him. "I love you," they were precious to him. To think that Gaara of all people would be the first person to ever tell the orphan that he was loved…
He was in shock.
Gaara felt his fingers lose their grip on his hair and he tried to process what he had just initiated. A confession of feelings.
He had never felt an anxiety so great. His insides twisted and turned into a Celtic knot. He felt pierced and vulnerable. He wanted to reach inside and pull out this feeling… He didn't like it… It made him nervous… He was afraid of what would come… Why was he afraid though?
"What… What did you say?"
Naruto's voice broke the awkward silence, snapping Gaara from his tortured thoughts. Gaara felt the pressure of Naruto's gaze and it took all his strength and courage to dare a glance at his friend.
It was one look. One look was all it took and Gaara felt himself crumble as he met eyes that were just as confused as his own. He realized that once again… he is not alone.
Seeing as how Naruto had no window to read his thoughts, Gaara had more of a grasp on the situation than Naruto. Green eyes danced with azure and Gaara felt he owed the blonde an explanation.
But how could he do that when he himself didn't even understand it? He had just blurted it out before… but what kind of love did he feel for Naruto? … He needed to clarify this to himself and to his blonde haired friend who waited for his answer.
In friendship and family love, you care greatly for one another… but he wanted more than that.
In marriage love there was great care and formalities to be met… but he didn't want all the formalities.
It was so hard to decide what he felt for the blonde. He just knew.
…
He just loved Naruto.
… And then a thought struck him…
Did anything else have to matter?
He didn't want a set of bells and a large cake. No rings to be exchanged. He didn't want to just "hang out." He just wanted the blonde hair and beautiful blue eyes that were so full of life despite the things that had happened in the past to be his.
He just wanted to be around him.
He wanted to be close to him… He wanted him to see him smile… He wanted to watch him laugh… He wanted to watch him become the greatest he could be and surpass all… He wanted to help him live that dream and live it with him.
He wanted to love Naruto.
He just loved Naruto…
With this sudden revelation in his life, Gaara felt himself swarm with a newfound confidence and he stood up tall.
No childishness. He would not cave. He would not give Shukaku the chance.
He had to say it now. For once in the past few months of this agonizing confusion that Naruto had stirred within him, he felt confident in what he was about to say. He truly believed it. He was no longer in that ocean, far away from Shukaku's grasp.
"I love you, Naruto."
Then it clicked. Naruto stared into Gaara's pale eyes, studying them… Passing through the emotions that floated by idly. The confidence that was shown in Gaara's suddenly tall form did not betray his words and Naruto felt trapped.
What was one supposed to think in this kind of situation? He had honestly not expected this argument to turn into a love confession.
The most troubling thing about the situation was that Naruto was fairly certain that he did not return those feelings towards Gaara… He had honestly never thought of his friend in that light before…
But looking into those eyes that have seen so much pain… endured so much heartbreak… To see them brimming with an emotion that had been given a second chance… It was hard.
This was Naruto's friend… He didn't want to hurt Gaara's feelings, but… He couldn't lie to him…
And yet it was still too sudden for him to make a decision. Why?
He couldn't quite place a finger on it, but he had always felt more connected to Gaara than anyone he knew on an emotional level… When Gaara felt pain, he felt pain… He could understand the damaged and the damaged could understand. It was a mutual relationship that went beyond friendship… So much further that no one would ever be able to understand… No one except the two…
"Gaara…" was all Naruto could get out at the moment. It meant Naruto was thinking, that he was taking the redhead seriously. To Gaara that signaled hope… Hope to be saved from what he feared, though he couldn't remember the name.
Naruto was having a hard time with this… He needed to make a decision about this, now.
Gaara was… Gaara. His friend, Gaara. His male friend, Gaara.
Naruto had never in his life found himself attracted to another male. He was not gay, nor was he bisexual. He did not think Gaara was gay either. He didn't think Gaara really paid attention to genders, let alone think about love.
Naruto had no problems with anyone who happened to be that way though and if they were a good friend of his he would support them, though never truly understanding it himself…
It just wasn't the way he was.
And here was his male friend whom he had a deep connection with, who just confessed his feelings of romantic love towards him…
What was he supposed to say to that? …
What did Gaara expect him to say?!
Deep down inside Naruto knew that he didn't love Gaara in that way… Yet he was giving this a chance… He was thinking it through… Why?
Because he cared about Gaara… Gaara was his friend, a friend that needed him and one that he needed in return… He didn't want to hurt him… It made this so much more difficult…
"Gaara… I…" Naruto fumbled with the words. Gaara looked on hopefully. He wasn't sure why it would matter whether or not Naruto would return this love, but his silly emotions said that it would. He didn't want to believe that…
Things would still be the same between them regardless of Naruto's decision… Right?
Naruto had to say it. He had to say it now or he never would.
He shook his head to the side once, clenching his teeth and bringing out the courage to respond to this complicated situation.
"Gaara, I love you…" Naruto looked at Gaara with hard eyes. Gaara felt himself lift from the ground a little, a flutter in his chest… Everything seemed so much brighter just then.
Though it was short lived as Naruto continued. "Just…" Gaara suddenly felt his heart and stomach drop heavily to the ground as he watched Naruto's lips move slowly as the blonde closed his eyes… a pained look on his face.
"It's not the same…"
Silence.
Gaara could swear his heart would fail and he brought a hand up to grasp it through his clothing.
What was this pain?
Naruto opened his eyes a little to see Gaara's reaction.
…
It was strange to see. Gaara's pale eyes seemed to receive and reflect nothing. He did not look hurt by Naruto's words other than the small hand clasping tightly at his chest… and yet that essentially was the worst sign Naruto could have received.
He had always been able to tell what Gaara was feeling by looking into his eyes… But now… they just looked, broken.
Naruto could feel his heart break a little with his friend.
Gaara had been through so much pain and suffering… So much longer than he had… And just when the red head had decided to give love a second chance, Naruto had to smash it back in his face.
But it was for the best… Naruto could lie to Gaara about something like this. Naruto didn't love Gaara that way and that was that. He hoped Gaara would understand that…
So it was strange…
Naruto could feel the awkwardness of the situation rise. He needed to talk. He needed Gaara to say something. Do something, anything to ease his guilt.
"Well!" he started out happily, not truly believing in his own happiness, nor the words to follow. "We can still be friends as long as you don't mind," Naruto smiled forcibly. Honestly, he wasn't sure if it would be the same… It was weird knowing a friend of yours likes you as more than a friend… but even so… Naruto would accept Gaara as such… He was more worried that Gaara would not be able to face Naruto the same way…
With a connection like theirs it would be harder too… When two people are close in mind and spirit and one is rejected… the fall is bad, but the friendship is also tested.
Naruto could feel something within him break a little as he watched Gaara stand in front of his door, looking lost and completely vulnerable.
"I really don't want to lose you as a friend because of this…" Naruto said some more. He spoke the truth. Gaara was an interesting character and he was someone that could understand Naruto. Someone Naruto could talk with about things other than becoming the Hokage or ninja techniques… He didn't want to lose that connection…
The words went right through Gaara.
Naruto bit his lip. The situation was too tense… He needed to get out of there…
He took a small retreating step backwards…
"Well," he started. "I need to get going… Kakashi-sensei and the others are waiting for me…" Naruto gave one last look at his friend.
How was he going to deal with this?
"Ja!"
Naruto turned on heel suddenly and sped off down the stairs and into the streets, as far away from Gaara as he could.
The moment Naruto had left, Gaara found himself snapped from his mindless thoughts, eyes refocusing and searching for the blonde as he ran down the stairs.
The reality of the situation hit him hard and he felt himself go weak in the knees, falling forward to support himself on his hands, retching his stomach empty.
What was this?
The last bit of bile dribbled from his mouth as a slight, cold wind brushed him from behind, easing the sick feeling from him.
What was this?
He took a hand and gently wiped his mouth with the back of it.
What was this? …
His chest felt tight… constricted. His stomach felt sick and nauseas…
Instinctually he found himself holding onto his sides as he knelt on the ground, huddled over pathetically. He felt defeated, exhausted… What a sight he must've been…
Sabaku no Gaara. Defeated by love.
This pain was unlike any kind of physical pain… It was hollow and passionless. There was no adrenaline… Only empty sorrow and pain.
A wound of the heart. One to add onto many…
What was this? …
This was why he avoided love. He had forgotten… Naruto had made him forget. That smile had made him forget…
He would go home… His mystery had been solved… He didn't want to be bothered anymore…
…
Why had it been like this? Something wet trailed its way down his cheek and he subconsciously brought a hand up to touch it before pulling it away to stare at the moisture.
Even a monster was human to these emotions he supposed. It was rather humbling.
What was this…?
…
Ah, yes... rejection.
Another drop hit his face and Gaara lifted his head towards the sky, allowing many more to cleanse him for some time.
000
Next: Dizzy
A/N: Man this was so hard to write. ;.; Confused Gaara's thoughts made me confused… I can't actually see what I'm typing now 'cause it's about 3 AM or something and I'm sick so lol Hopefully I didn't leave too many typos. Actually I'm more worried about this making sense O.o :no confidence:
I decided not to combine it with Dizzy because I kinda wanted to leave you guys w/ this part for a while before going into the craziness that is Dizzy. Lol XD Well hope you guys enjoyed. Stay tuned for Dizzy whenever it comes out. Sand sibs cuteness in that chapter I promise : ) Actually sand sibs is one of the main reasons I wrote this fic XD
As for the AMV… I'm working on it. It's taking a lot longer than I thought it would since I'm drawing out all the pictures so it'll be out before the fic is over. It's a scene from this chapter though.
In the mean time, I drew a scene for this from the first sleepover arc. It's on my DA account. My name on it is SirLadyKastor (don't ask lol) and I titled the pic, "Butt Bomb" because I absolutely loved shintas1st's phrase. XD
