One Piece isn't mine. So please don't sue me…


Sanji felt the heavy weight of dark eyes on him the moment he walked out of the bathroom but ignored it. Which was a mistake.

One moment he'd been idly tousling water from his hair and the next rough hands seized his in a steely grip, a hard body crushing Sanji to the worn wood of the storage room wall and trapping his legs. The sudden assault left him blinking stupidly while Zoro pressed forward, capturing his lips in an enthusiastic kiss.

"Fucker," he hissed, twisting away from the zealous swordsman. "What's wrong with you?!"

The movement left the cook's neck wide open for Zoro's suddenly lonely lips and he attacked it with vigor, mumbling as teeth grazed soft skin. "Nothin's… wrong with me… shitty cook."

The not entirely unwanted attention sapped his desire to get away almost faster than Luffy could eat. "We're gonna get caught again, and this time I will kick your ass," Sanji growled, wrists still clasped in the swordsman's large hands. It happened every time they attempted to do anything; somebody showed up and ran screaming, or laughed, or teased, or something… It was frustrating as hell. Sanji was not an exhibitionist, dammit; he didn't exactly want their activities broadcast to the entire ship, but that seemed impossible on a vessel this small. Zoro kept trying, Sanji protested (before giving in), they got caught, Sanji bitched Zoro out, and the whole confrontation regressed into a vicious skirmish that inevitably resulted in things being broken. Two weeks of not getting anywhere in this relationship was wearing on the cook's frayed nerves.

"Eh, not likely." Apparently deciding that the blonde wouldn't try to kill him if he got free, Zoro shifted to release those deadly legs and pressed himself between, continuing in his explorations of pale skin.

The worn cotton rubbing over Sanji's bare chest, the hot breath over his saliva-damp neck, and rock hard thighs between his own quickly convinced the cook that he didn't want to argue, that there were better things to do. "Let go of my hands, asshole."

"Nope."

Teeth on collarbone and oh yesss that spot right there drew faint noises from the captured chef. "Come on, you domineering bastard. I can't do anything this way…"

"Mmm-hmm." The stupid marimo sounded almost glad about the prospect, Sanji noted darkly. He squirmed, trying to get loose, but only accomplished to make certain parts of himself very, very happy. Which apparently worked both ways as he received a pleased grunt and answering wriggle from the swordsman.

"Sanji, are you done yet? I need to get- WHOA." Usopp stopped, pivoted, and was back out the storage room door (which stood open, Sanji realized belatedly) with a speed that probably could have won him awards. "I didn't see anything… I didn't see them humping each other again, no I didn't..."

"Goddamn fucking Longnose," Zoro growled, not even fazed as his head dropped lower and an eager mouth went at sandy-brown nipples like they were candy.

But as usual the interruption completely ruined the mood for Sanji. He put his flexibility to good use by slamming his heel right into the horny idiot's stupid green head.


"-so I walked in on them again. 's not like they even tried to be stealthy about it." The liar added another drop of tabasco to the mixture before him, eyes fixed on his work even as he continued in his tirade to Nami. "I don't care all that much, but… They always fight after they get caught and then I have to fix the damage. Merry's not invincible, you know!"

Nami bobbed her head in reply, newspaper lying forgotten in her lap as she frowned. "I think we've all walked in on them at least once. And fixing things every time gets so damn expensive-"

"Oi, Nami, Robin, Usopp! What're you guys doing?" Luffy bounced over (literally; Usopp hunched over his work to protect it from the flailing rubber limbs). Heaving himself onto the rail, he peered at his crewmates curiously.

They exchanged looks. Finally Robin smiled, slipping a bookmark between the worn pages of her book and setting it carefully aside. "They were just discussing Cook-san and Swordsman-san's… dilemma."

"Dill-ema-ma…" The rubber boy's face scrunched in concentration as he rolled the unfamiliar word around in his mouth. Suddenly he perked up. "Oh, they have a plant? That's weiiird…"

The only thing that kept Nami from socking him right then and there was Usopp's quick words. "No, Luffy, not dill." He waved the navigator back with a pleading hand, dark eyes fixed on their captain. "Dilemma. Like, a problem. We're talkin' about Zoro and Sanji's problem."

Luffy's mouth formed an 'O' of understanding. "Ah, their problem… Which one?"

The Wrath of Nami descended.

Several minutes later, after Nami calmed down and Usopp conveyed the problem to their captain in terms he could comprehend, Luffy rubbed at the throbbing bump on his head and nodded. "So they just need some alone time." Rubber lips stuck out in an unattractive pout. "You coulda told me that, you didn't have to hit me…"

"I'll hit you again if you don't stop being annoying."

Luffy eeped and scooted closer to Usopp, who quickly moved the test tube he'd been working with to the (relative) safety of his far hand.

"Well," Robin started after a moment's silence, "Navigator-san was telling me about the island we will be reaching in a matter of days. According to Cook-san, we'll need to spend at least a day gathering supplies, and Merry needs some additional repairs..."

"Yeah," Usopp mumbled grumpily.

"… so why don't we take a bit of a rest here?" Robin's eyes twinkled as she settled further back into the deck chair. "We have more than enough money to rent a few rooms for a night or two."

"Robin, do you realize how much that would cost?!"

Luffy interrupted. "But Nami, just think! Real beds to bounce on. Maybe one of those hot tub things you like so much."

The redhead began ticking a mental checklist off on her fingertips. A bed I don't have to make, letting Sanji and Zoro blow off some steam, rickety hotel room locks I can pick, probably loads of valuables to make off with, mmm, hot tubs…

Utter bliss spread across their captain's face, his eyes shining as he clasped hands together in glee. "And maybe even room service!"

Three sets of hands smacked him with varying amounts of intensity, voices chiming in unison. "Oh hell no."


"But Nami-san, you don't need to spend money on an extra room! The Brainless Wonder and myself can easily stay with the other guys…"

Five Strawhat pirates stood around the doorway of the hotel room, watching their other two nakama. Sanji looked… nervous? Worried? Embarrassed? Whatever it was, it was quite in contrast to Zoro's smug grin. Nami couldn't keep the conniving sneer from her face as she pointed between them. "No. You and Zoro are going to take some one-on-one time and get some of those blasted hormones out of your systems so you don't drive the rest of us crazy."

Sanji sputtered. "B-b-but Nami-san-"

"That means," Luffy interjected from his perch on Usopp's back, "you guys can have sex."

"Luffy!"

"What? That's why we got them their own room. So they can do it without us walking in on it, right?"

"You're not supposed to just blurt it out like that, stupid!" Usopp hissed.

"But it's the truth!"

"ANYWAY," Nami cut in, rolling her eyes. "We'll leave you two to do whatever. Fight, sleep, screw… Just do something, ok? I don't think either of you realize how stressful it is to live under all the tension you two have been oozing."

The swordsman's face darkened as a hand tightened over the hilt of his katana. "Oi, witch, if you think I'm gonna stand here and listen to you tell us what to do-"

"You will unless you want your interest rate to go up again," the navigator sang sweetly.

mumblemumblebitchmumble…

"Don't you even think about insulting my beautiful Nami-san, you stupid excuse for-"

Any further arguments were cut off when feminine arms blossomed all around Sanji and Zoro, pulling, pushing, tugging them (with mild protests) into their room before closing the door, leaving the hall in relative silence. After a few moments, the remaining Strawhat pirates turned to stare questioningly at their oldest crewmate.

Robin shrugged. "At the risk of using a rather bad pun, sometimes love needs a bit of a 'helping hand', wouldn't you agree?" She turned and headed towards the exit. "Now why don't we leave our friends to themselves for a little while? The marketplace of this town looks to be quite promising." The rest of the crew agreed and followed quietly after her, stealing covert glances back towards the closed door they had just left with a mixture of relief, curiosity, and humor.

Nakama looked out for each other's interests, after all. Especially when the stubborn idiots refused to do it for themselves.